Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Taking a New and Better Approach to a Great Relationship or Marriage

Times are changing, life is happening, and it’s time to take a different approach.

You may have noticed that I didn’t post anything yesterday. It wasn’t due to lack of interest.

There has been a lot happening behind the scenes. As the economy has slowed, it’s impacted me as much as everyone else in some ways. Some of my businesses have slowed and other opportunities have arisen to take their place. Technology has changed the way people seek and access information. And all of it has caused me to need to change some things, for my own sake and that of customers and potential customers, including all of you. Today I’m going to outline those changes for you.

Some of these changes require that I move my physical location back to Nevada. That’s already in the works. I’ll be swamped in relocation and settling in between now and about the end of March.

That means time will be scarce, and I must spend it wisely. It appears that the best way to continue to help you folks is to move everyone along to our forum so that there can be a single point of contact for all of us.

As it is now, I’m circulating this newsletter, posting on blogs on Blogger, Facebook, MySpace, LiveJournal, and Twitter, and reinventing the wheel daily has held back some other very necessary progress, such as getting my existing work converted for distribution through Amazon’s Kindle system and in other formats friendly to smartphones and tablets. So instead of spending an hour a day dispatching newsletters that are already in the archive, I’ll spend that time posting new content on the forum when there is something worth your time to read, answering questions via our forum or e-mail, and working on the aforementioned so I can move on to the big project that has been on the back burner for way too long, a book for women that they’ve been asking me to finish for years.

Copies of this newsletter are already filed in one of the subforums, called “Daily Newsletter Lessons,” and there is another forum where I’ve been categorizing newsletter content in preparation for the release of the next update of my current book with a massive expansion that includes the best information from the last several years' newsletters and examples from our forum. The entire forum is searchable, so finding what you want there as you need it instead of waiting for me to dole it out every day will work better for you, too.

For those of you who haven’t visited, we do have mobile access to our forum through the Tapatalk app; vBulletin has released a development suite for mobile support but I’ve not yet heard anything about it that impressed me enough to implement it. New releases of new products are always bug-ridden and spending a big chunk of money and time on something that won’t give you as good an experience as the $3 (one-time fee, not monthly subscription) Tapatalk app will give you as things are now just doesn’t make sense for any of us.

There is also a live chat facility there that nobody has been using. As more people register for membership (the chat service isn’t available to anonymous users because I don’t want spammers and pranksters harassing or hacking forum users), I’ll start dedicating blocks of time to be in the chat room myself for live discussion and possibly even some chat parties.

There are more surprises coming, but me abandoning this project is not among them for the foreseeable future. It’s just time to evolve, and a man who won’t evolve when changing times say it’s necessary is a coward doomed to failure and extinction, not a man. I practice what I preach.

So that’s it for now, folks. Join us at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/forum.php for the next evolution, and for your own next evolution, check out my book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage at http://www.makingherhappy.com/.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, January 23, 2012

Switching Gears: Coping with the Expected and Unexpected in Relationships and Marriage

What women want, they get more often than not; the only question is from whom or with whom will they get it…

I hope you're having a great day! The following reader comment blew me away when it first came in, and these many months later, it still does. Of all the letters I ever expected to get from readers, this one would have never been on the list. Meet Dawn:

Dear David,

I have been putting off writing you because I did not want to sound crazy. My boyfriend David and I bought your book so that we could see if we should really get married or not. He wanted to get married before now, but I kept putting him off because I felt there was something missing in our relationship. The thing is that I started finding his roommate attractive. I ended up spending the night with Eric (his roommate) while he was out of town. That night I found out that Eric had been reading your book the whole time and my David had not. I just wanted to say thanks, because Eric and I will be getting married in a few weeks and David is last week’s trash.

I hope your book helps everyone as much as it helped me find the man I always dreamed of calling my husband.

Sincerely,
Dawn T.

I didn’t originally write “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” to help anyone FIND a mate (although enough has been added to it that it will certainly do that quite well now), and to tell you the truth, I wrote it for GUYS (with a few BIG HINTS for women included). BUT, I’ve found through e-mails from readers that a lot of my sales have been to single women who are apparently smarter than us guys because they are reading material for guys to see what to prepare themselves for and ultimately seek out. I originally expected sales to women to be for their men, not for themselves. Women are taking initiative and going for it! After all, a huge part of their life is managing relationships; they are born wired to do it, and we could learn quite a bit from them about relationships if we'd take the time to do so -- I sure did!

However, Gentlemen, there are a couple of huge lessons here for all of us to learn, aside from the fact that what’s in this book works. Women pay attention to what’s going on around them, and they are extremely sensitive to not only behavior, but CHANGES in behavior. That’s why I recommend in the first part of my book that if a man evaluates his relationship and finds out that it is one that should be kept and improved that he have the woman in his life read it as well.

This is to help her understand that she and your marriage are to be the beneficiaries (along with yourself, of course!) of the changes she’s about to see, not a new girlfriend. A new girlfriend would often be a woman’s first thought when she sees positive change in a man, and unfortunately, most of the time she’d be right. Let’s face it Gentlemen, one of the things that get men caught having an affair is its effect as a confidence booster, which does change his behavior toward most, if not all, the people around him.

Another lesson is that women recognize when you’re committed by the effort you make, and if you’re caught slacking, you will be punished for it on some level, usually by having them withhold some part of themselves from you, whether it be time, consideration, support, favor, intimacy, sex, or whatever, and even by giving that part of themselves they withhold from you to another man. Being assertive and taking the lead in achievement, even the achievement of a better relationship, is sexy; being lazy or timid is anti-sexy. Take the hint, and get on the ball.

Make a hobby and a habit of taking responsibility for your life and doing constructive things to improve yourself and your environment (the space and circumstances around you – I’m not talking “green” here), and encourage others to do the same thing, a strong sign of leadership that no woman can resist. There is no person or group that can save the world, but if we all start taking better care of ourselves and the part of the world we live and work in, there won’t be much room left for problems. We’re proving that at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, as member after member figures out what’s wrong or missing from their life and fixes it, and you’d be doing yourself a favor to join us there.

We all have a bit of a tendency to slow down and let things slide a little as we get older, and the more we let slide, the more the momentum builds, and the faster we and our situations decay, so fix everything before it becomes broken, and I’m talking about every aspect of your life – marriage, job, hobbies, physical and mental condition, EVERYTHING! There’s no need to be an OVER-achiever, but be a “doer” and take care of yourself and your situation.

Start by going to http://www.makingherhappy.com and downloading your copy of my book “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” and get your love life (and sex life) in order, and then keep right on going, with the job, friends, physique, etc., using the confidence gained by a happy home life to build your momentum. Do it now, because life’s too short to do anything less than LIVE it.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Attitude Adjustment, a Double-Edged Sword That Can Make or Break YOUR Relationship or Marriage

We’ve talked about how an attitude adjustment can build attraction, but we need to talk about how the wrong attitude adjustment can just as effectively kill attraction, to the point of trashing a relationship or marriage completely!

First, I’d like to tell everyone how proud I am of those of you who have been writing to me and for all but one or two notable exceptions, posting on our forum (there have been a couple of people who were looking for validation of their crappy attitude and refused to step up and face reality when their own self-deception was pointed out to them). Those two notwithstanding, I have an outstanding group of readers, people who make the choice to improve and follow through on it, something that I don’t see much in the rest of my day-to-day activities. Constant contact with people who get things done is both therapeutic and motivating, and if you don’t have any other “winners” in your social or work circle, I strongly urge you to find some.

It’s very easy for the members of any group of people to sink to the level of the lowest member in the group, and surrounding yourself with high-quality people is excellent insurance against this, not to mention much more enjoyable than listening to some mealy-mouthed worm complaining about his mishaps and shortcomings every time you see him. Good people should keep the company of good people, not those who want to be supported by good people rather than expend the effort themselves to be good people.

Getting into today’s lesson, I was reminded by a letter from one of you that attitudes can be adjusted in both directions, for the better and for the worse, and it can go entirely unnoticed until it’s too late. Meet my buddy Joe, one of the older among you:

Hi David,

Thought I'd take advantage of the invitation to share a current example and the observed effects.
I'll try to make this the “readers digest” version, but some back-story is probably beneficial.

About 8 months ago some friends and I pooled funds and bought a business that would otherwise have disappeared. Three of us contributed money and one was to be sweat equity.

At the time I was exerting leadership and authority it triggered attraction in a woman (we'll call her Judy) I'd known for about a year and who was involved in the purchase as well. We were spending an increasing amount of time together, sharing more of our lives and becoming intimate. After being alone for about 4 years (long separation and divorce) it was a very welcome addition to my life.

After things settled in I neglected to “keep it going” in terms of leadership, (mistakenly) feeling that since she and I were doing well and had a definite affinity that things would continue. WRONG. There are other factors involved, but basically I failed to continue in the leadership role and the attraction waned considerably. The end result was that the relationship that had been hot and very mutual was put “on hold” until we “each got things in our lives straightened out.”

This last week we had to remove the “sweat equity partner” from managing the restaurant. Since I'm the geographically close partner AND the person that put the deal together AND have worked the business as well, it has fallen to me to organize and manage the restaurant. This created a lot of strain and even induced a bit of “panic” initially. A lot communication went on with the partners over status, decision-making, etc. Again I failed to take a strong enough leadership position.

Since that point I've gotten a handle on things, however, the effect on my relationship with Judy took a worse turn in that she's not confident with my assertiveness and there's now some struggle and even bossiness on her part in how things will proceed. Yep, classic wussiness and deference have caused her to feel she has to 'be the man'.

Now there are other issues in play here, and an evaluation of Judy as an appropriate partner is clearly required as she has her own set of issues. HOWEVER, observing the progression of events here it's clear that FAILING TO TAKE THE LEADERSHIP ROLE HAS TANKED WHAT WAS ONCE A CLEAR AFFINITY AND PRETTY FUN AND INTERESTING RELATIONSHIP.

I'm re-evaluating my process of relating information to my partners with an eye towards framing the issue, identifying options and suggesting the most effective choice, INSTEAD of coming across with a “what am I going to do now?” type of attitude.

It's a learning process and some take longer to “get” the lessons. The thing is that the lessons continue to come until we DO get it.

Thanks David for your help and newsletters. They're helping me to change into a better man and better partner...for someone, sometime.

Regards,
Joe

As you can see from Joe’s account, letting your attitude deteriorate in the face of stress, deadlines, boredom, and a lot of other things, is easy, and it can cost you, dearly. So keep an eye on your attitude, mood, deviation from good habits (like being on time, or being well-groomed) that show self-respect, etc., and don’t let things go down the tubes when they could easily be maintained or improved. It’s far easier to maintain the good things in life than it is to regain them once lost.

There was one guy on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, who went through this and never could get it right. For the last two of seven years of marriage, his wife tried harder and harder to tell him that his attitude was pushing her away, and it got so bad that she has not only dropped the divorce bomb on him, she’s so much in the habit of punishing him verbally for what he did in the past that she was unable and unwilling to even attempt to see him as he is now. We tried to coach him through it, and his attitude was bouncing around like a ball, rather dramatically in fact.

He’d see the problems and admit what needed to be done, and then start making excuses and fabricating things out of thin air that were in direct contradiction to what he’d already said, trying to evade the fact that he was married to a predator just to keep from having to make a change that could have facilitated a happy life. It’s a fascinating read and could save your marriage or a friend’s somewhere down the road because it exposes so many pitfalls and what happens when you handle them the wrong way, so join us and give it a read. Search for “Lerxst” and you’ll easily spot the relevant threads.

Getting back to maintaining things being easier than regaining them once lost, think of a bundle of asphalt roofing shingles. Once you get them up on your shoulder, holding them there or going up the ladder with them isn’t hard at all, but getting them from the ground to your shoulder (especially if you do two at a time like I do) is rough, and you can get hurt pretty badly doing it if you don’t do it just right. Relationships are the same way. Easy to maintain or elevate from a comfortable position, but having the potential to break your back if you have to bring one from the ground up.

So now you have to ask yourself a question: “Do I know what my attitude, demeanor, personality, habits, etc., are projecting about me???” And do you know how the people, and specifically the women in your life, are interpreting what they see? Another question: “If somebody, especially a woman, tried to tell me what they see, would I listen, and understand?”

You will after you’ve read my book, "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and you’ll also know what they like seeing and how to adjust your attitude and outlook so that they see what they’re looking for and you enjoy your life more, not because they see it, but because YOU do. It’s fun, easy, and every man who has tried it to date has succeeded in making his life better, regardless of what woman’s company he was keeping, so whatever is holding you back, skip it, and get over to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy right now. Never put off until tomorrow the success you can have today!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham