Saturday, October 08, 2011

Know What She REALLY Means, or Lose Your Relationship or Marriage

Keeping attraction alive in a relationship is crucial, as is solid compatibility, but there is another crucial element that can chip away at it or explode it in a cold minute: communication. You don’t have to read her mind, but you do have to know what’s on it when she speaks. Can you?

As you can imagine, I get a lot of e-mail every day, including a lot of strange news, jokes, and cartoons from friends and readers who share my love of comedy and the “truth is stranger than fiction” examples found in the world. Wait until you see this one!

The following is a real classified ad in a newspaper offering a motorcycle for sale:

$10,000
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801) 555-5555

I’ve changed his phone number to protect his identity since the ad has expired. Now, would you have bought the motorcycle? Not me!

I know that anytime the word “whatever” comes out of a woman’s mouth, I need to pay close attention to the context. Why?

As you will note in my free “Break-Up Busting 101” report, which you can download at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/144-Free-Reports!, while “whatever” generally means “anything you want is fine with me” to us men, to women it rarely has a positive connotation unless they have a sincere smile on their face. Observe some definitions provided by female readers and test group members:

1. Screw you!
2. Screw you and die!
3. Go screw yourself and die the Death of 1,000 Cuts!
4. Screw you, and you will be dying, slowly, painfully, and without even knowing it, just as soon as I figure out how I’m going to torture you to death.
5. I’m done, you lose.
6. Go ahead, smart ass, and whatever happens next, you have it coming.

Obviously there will be a few times when “whatever” is benign when spoken by a woman, but as I said, unless there is a genuine smile on her face, beware. Steve was apparently a world class bone-head, because even without the 90% of his wife’s communication that was non-verbal, you can still see and feel the anger in her statement, "do whatever the f*** you want." You can almost smell the threat of punishment in that, can’t you?

If not, there are several things you need to do immediately. The first is to download that free report I just mentioned and see where else you’re setting yourself up for trouble, or worse, a break-up, and see what you need to do to reverse that trend before it gets out of hand. There is a lot of good information in that report, and there’s more than one author in this industry angry at me for giving it away. They think it’s too much to give away. Maybe it is. I don’t know and frankly don’t care. My purpose is to get you on the road to correction fast and to prove to you that I can help. The same goes for another free report, called “What Women REALLY Want,” at the same link as above at our forum.

Speaking of which, another outstanding resource you should tap is our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, where you can see people solving problems and historical cases of those already solved. There are also women at our forum who enjoy helping men “get it” instead of rolling their eyes, tossing their head and leaving the room. Many of them are learning quite a bit about the male side of the equation, too, so no matter who you are, there is something for you to learn and friends to make there.

The biggest and yet possibly the easiest thing you need to do is go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download my e-book, "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and get all the details on how to evaluate your relationship properly (women do this constantly, and you’d better be doing it at least periodically, or you’ll pay dearly), what women really want from us, how they think and why, and how use what you know about them to make everybody’s life fun, exciting, rewarding, and sexy, instead of boring, frustrating, scary, and celibate.

Those who are doing it are stopping divorces and making their relationships better than they’ve ever been, or realizing that they never should have come together in the first place and moving on peacefully and with dignity, some already to the best relationships of their lives. Join them, now, while you have room to maneuver and life and energy left to enjoy. Life doesn’t wait for you; you live it while you have it or you lose it forever. ‘Nuff said.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, October 07, 2011

Why Do We Suck Up When It Destroys Our Lives, Not to Mention Our Relationship or Marriage

Why do people, both men and women, suck up, kiss butt, or whatever you want to call it, to get what they want? Women will divorce men for sucking up as surely as if they had an affair! What does it say about you if you’re doing it, with the opposite sex and in other areas of your life? It’s bad, no matter what you think it gets you. Read on…

I got some rather colorful comments on a recent post about women being disgusted by men who allow themselves to be trod upon, and there was recently a discussion thread on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, posted by a woman who was at the end of her rope with her husband doing suck-up things like deferring to her on every decision, so let’s talk about this common mistake that most people make far too often, frequently without realizing it: ass-kissing. Yes, that’s pretty much aggressively seeking to be trod upon, isn’t it? LOL!

Oh, you never did it, huh? Never once in your entire life laughed at a bad joke to keep the boss happy, never once fawned over a woman hoping to get to first base and beyond, never said, “Yes, sir,” to a cop and then cursed at him under your breath as he walked away?

Okay, have it your way. Denial fixes everything, right? Get a clue. For the rest of us who embrace reality, it makes us feel like crap if we do it and it’s a particularly embarrassing and wholly unattractive spectacle to witness. More importantly, there’s little a mentally and emotionally healthy woman hates any more than to have a man sucking up to her; unless she’s a parasite, predator, or horribly damaged and insecure, such as a woman with abandonment issues, she wants no part of it.

So why do we do it? And more importantly, why and how should we STOP DOING IT?

At first glance, one might think that it’s caused by fear of punishment, but for some reason, it’s only punishment that entails loss of something. Admit it, if your boss punched you in the mouth you’d punch him back, but if he threatened to fire you if you didn’t do something he asked, (yes, I said “he,” because most women are security-minded and diplomatic, and therefore would not make such a threat in the workplace, not because women can’t be the supervisor in the workplace, so hold your accusations of misogyny for someone who’s earned them) you’d at least consider doing what he was wanting. But…

Back in your single days, if you were a little more secure and happy-go-lucky because you still had your whole life ahead of you, if a woman threw a drink in your face, you might just throw one back, or laugh it off, but today if she starts acting like you might fall out of favor, you start sucking up. It’s a fear of losing something that you think would be hard or impossible to replace. How is this relevant to being attractive to the woman you love (or any other woman for that matter)?

How do you think it makes her feel when you kiss her behind? First, it shows weakness, and women really hate that. It’s also boring, because most men do it, so it’s commonplace and therefore even more boring, and they really hate the idea of getting stuck for the long haul with a boring, weak guy. Then it starts getting really bad…

In “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” we discuss how women are constantly testing and reevaluating everything around them, consciously and subconsciously. What kind of thoughts do you think that acting weak and boring can inspire in your partner?

How about that since you’re afraid of losing her because you couldn’t replace her, that you might be right and nobody else would have you?

That makes you the bottom of the barrel, doesn’t it? Ouch!

And now she’s settled for the bottom of the barrel, right? Double ouch!

Well, yes, because like it or not, in her mind it’s all about her, not you. Yes, really! And she’s naturally competitive, so you don’t want to be bottom-shelf goods in what F.J. Shark calls “the social marketplace.” What he refers to as “social proof” – being desirable enough for other women to pay attention to you too – is important. So how many tests do you think you’re actually passing while acting like a wuss? How good do you think you’re making her feel about having you around?

At the end of her day with you, do you think she’s feeling attraction, and even arousal, or aggravation, and the distinct feeling that she should have chosen “the other guy” because the choice she made ended up being a boring wuss? Realizations like that contribute to the onset of full-blown female mid-life crisis as the realization of how many things in her life are unsatisfactory comes crashing through.

Show me a woman who really wants a sniveling ass-kisser under her thumb and I’ll show you a woman who most likely has some severe self-esteem issues and is looking to control and punish men, probably after being traumatized by one or more of them. They don’t want us terrorizing, bullying, or abusing them with verbal or physical aggression, but they don’t want us acting like a whiney little wuss, either. What women want lies between those two extremes…

They want to be able to respect us, because that’s part of what creates and sustains attraction and all those wonderful feelings they have when attraction commences, and we have to act respectable for them to do that. We have to act like leaders, not suck-ups. What gets in the way of that? Go back to fear of loss for a minute…

I’ve heard this fear of loss referred to as a “scarcity mentality” (an attitude of “I must protect what I have because I’ll never be able to replace it” as opposed to an attitude of “I can earn or create whatever I want”), and it’s a dangerous trap to fall into. Indeed, it can kill relationships, careers, even lives. How and why?

When you don’t feel worthy of a job, a woman’s attention, etc., it makes you question how you would replace it, instead of whether the employer or the woman is worthy of your presence, commitment, attention, effort, etc. This kills any self-esteem you may have, because it forces you to fear the loss of whatever benefit that job, partner, situation, or whatever provides you. Fear, not hatred, is the most mentally and physically destructive of all emotions, and I hope it’s obvious to you why. If not, hit Google with a question like “how does fear affect the human body” and read the results.

It’s truly devastating, even when it’s only subconscious. There is a recognized medical condition, called “apoplexy,” which is defined as a physical state of having worried until one becomes physically ill. It upsets natural chemical balances so severely that it can kill you.

Why put yourself through that?

BE worthy of whatever you want in life! Do your job to the best of your ability, and get paid for it. If your employer can’t pay what you’re worth, for whatever reason, find a new employer. Pay your employees well for the work they do. If they don’t do enough to earn the check, don’t worry about how you’ll replace them, but replace them.

Closer to home, BE the best partner you can be to your wife or girlfriend (or husband or boyfriend for you ladies – the door swings both ways on this issue!); if they don’t appreciate it enough or care enough about themselves or you to be the best they can be, fire them, too! Life is too short to spend it being less than you can be or with someone less than you deserve.

Commit to memory: “Never make a high priority someone who regards you as merely an option.” Repeat it daily and live it minute to minute.

When you know that you are doing your best and worthy of whatever it takes to hold your attention and loyalty, you’ll walk into a room like you own it, and consequently the women there, especially the one you love, will want you because of it, and if you treat them with respect while leading them through life, you’ll have them for life, because no woman will risk losing the feeling of attraction, of being swept off her feet, that such behavior is always going to create. (There are times when women will push you to exhibit that behavior if you don’t do it on your own, but that’s another newsletter!)

Face it. If you didn’t either have problems or want to avoid problems, you wouldn’t be reading this newsletter. Everything you need to know to become a functional expert on your own relationships is in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and you’ve got two choices:

You can do what losers do and keep doing what you’re doing, or you can go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and do yourself and your partner (present or future) a huge favor by downloading your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," because life really is too short to live it in fear of losing what’s important to you.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Be As You Wish to Seem for the Best Relationship or Marriage You Can Have

As we see in this woman’s letter, just looking the part doesn’t get the job of creating attraction done, even when it’s somebody famous. You have to BE attractive, not just put on the act of being attractive.

It’s time to talk about the appearance and effects of wussitude again. Strap yourself in, and by the way, congratulations are in order.

I once wrote about the first episodes of “Gene Simmons’s Family Jewels,” wherein the rock idle was on television basically having handed his pants and his testicles to his wife and spent episode after episode letting her wipe her feet on him like a doormat, but I’ve heard recently that he’s corrected that and taken a pretty serious stand on some other things, so I’m going to drop that discussion in favor of something newer, because I don’t want anyone getting the idea that I’m saying the problem still exists. Credit must be given where credit is due, and I’m happy for him.

However, this woman, who also tries to give credit where credit is due, is not happy, and I can most definitely see why:

Hello, David,

I really need for you to talk to my husband. He has a bad case of “nice guy” and drives me up the wall deferring all decisions to me, following me around the house, etc., just as you write frequently about. He has been reading a lot of dating self-help material and he is misconstruing most of what he is reading. I give him credit and love him to death for trying, but if someone cannot get him to see what he is doing soon I will surely choke the life out of him.

He explains all these things to me as he reads them, and sounds as if he has spoken with an old man in a diaper and turban atop a high mountain with stars in his eyes, as if he has found some great truth. He read about leadership, and about scarcity, and how they relate to attraction, and decided that he would be more attractive to me if he spent two nights out each week throwing darts with friends, because he is good at it and can help the younger men. But I am not to go with him to see the spectacle of his leadership so that there will be scarcity. I told him it does not work that way, and he told me I would have to trust him because his mentors know what they are talking about.

He does not like being away from me, and he does not like being in bars. He likes to go to bed early and he is allergic to tobacco smoke. So he thinks he is doing all this for me, and I don’t want him to do it and I know he doesn’t want to do it either, plus it is the wrong thing for him to do for our marriage and still does not see that dumping all decisions in my lap and being underfoot all the time is the real problem. Is there anything you can tell me to help me convince him?

Thank you so much,
Charlotte

Charlotte and her husband do indeed have a problem. This is the one time when he SHOULD be deferring to her, or at least listening to her, because he really has it wrong.

Socrates said, “BE as you wish to seem.” And with good reason; a LOT of stress is created when you try to act as something or someone you are not. Stress doesn't help problems; it amplifies them. Charlotte’s husband is making the classic mistake of trying to look like something he’s not, and it’s apparently going to be a big surprise to him when she blows her stack because he’s going to be doing something he doesn’t like and expecting her to enjoy it.

Good marriages are not built on compromise and sacrifice. They are built on compatibility and cooperation. Attraction and adventure are the spice that keeps them fresh. These are not things you can fake, and if you don’t have them between you, disaster is the only possible outcome. There will be disappointment and frustration as your competition grows and compromises wear you down, as giving in and especially trying to be or enjoy things that you aren’t and don’t create expectations that cannot be met, causing resentment.

There is a discussion in one of the many threads on our forum about this, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/399-Are-Nice-Guys-Closet-Narcissists, comparing nice guys to narcissists, because they both tend to be angry and abusive when things don’t go their way. The question of whether nice guys were closet narcissists was asked, and while they’re not (because the narcissist’s entitlement mentality is pathological while the nice guy has made an effort to be liked and resents what he feels he is owed because of his efforts not being matched), it’s still fascinating to see how closely these two people, seemingly at opposite ends of the spectrum, have in common.

You should definitely join us for these and other discussions. None of us are born understanding the gender opposite, or anything else, for that matter, and we go to school to learn everything that is important to us and then spend a lifetime in on-the-job training building upon that basic education, but while you know that you can’t do integral calculus without first learning simple mathematical principles, everyone seems to think that just jumping right into relationships without any preparation is going to bring success. It isn’t. Even if you’re very, very lucky, you’re still going to have to learn some very important and not-so-obvious fundamental facts and truths before you have a chance. Our forum is a good place to do your advanced study, but how do you get that basic core of fundamental knowledge to build upon?

Easy! Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and read it, learn what you need to know, follow the few very simple instructions, and watch what happens as your understanding and awareness grow. Then enjoy being one of us very few men who really know what women want, especially our own partner, the one that matters most, and enjoy your new life!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Turning Back the Clock to Better Days, a HUGE Boost to Your Relationship and Marriage

Familiarity may eventually breed contempt, but in the nearer term, it’s going to breed boredom as couples fall into a rut. Here’s a great way to get out of it…

Did you ever wish you could turn back the clock, to a time when your relationship was fun and exciting? When laughing, naughty play, and earth-shaking physical encounters were not a matter of “if,” but of “WHEN”? Think about what brought you to the point of making that wish, and you’ll quickly see why I tell you that you can turn back the clock in an instant.

What did you do when you were in high school, hormones raging, not having yet learned that rejection happens more often than not, not having grown too accustomed to seeing your wife in a baggy robe or sweat suit with hair and make-up unattended, not yet beaten down by a job you don’t like, kids screaming in the middle of the night, etc.?

Or if it wasn’t you that did what I’m about to talk about because you were already too timid and insecure to score a great date on the weekend, do you remember what the other guys did, the ones who did enjoy that success and bragged about it every Monday morning when everybody returned to class to either tell of high adventure on date night or lament having spent another weekend playing video games?

Regardless of which side of the fence you were on, it’s time to go back to high school, and if you did it wrong before, it’s time to do it right. It’s all in the naughty play, projecting the attitude that you’re all about the fun, not about needing sex or approval. It’s about having adventures, like sneaking away to a seedy hotel, or making out in the back seat of your car. It’s about surprise picnics that lead to sneaky sex in the woods, covert caresses when the kids (or the other people in the grocery store) aren’t looking.

In short, it’s about doing all those things that you did when your relationship was fresh, new, exciting, and hotter than a freshly fornicated fox in a forest fire, or learning how to just do all those things you wanted to do then instead of being afraid of rejection. It’s not so hard as you’re thinking…

Women live in a state of needing a higher level of emotional energy going at any given time than we men need. Hence, they delight in anything that gets it going, especially having a man genuinely enjoying having fun with them – WITH THEM, mind you, NOT AT THEIR EXPENSE; fun, not cruel. Both positive and negative emotion will work, and you have the opportunity to make it positive before she takes matters into her own hands and starts a fight to blow off some steam.

Yes, women do that, and the reason is perfectly simple: It’s far easier and faster for her to create negative energy than positive. Something positive takes time, cooperation, and/or planning, where negative simply takes a choice to take something the wrong way, or get mad about something benign. And you get to decide which it’s going to be if you’re on your toes.

So when you see her bent over picking something up, don’t just stare at her butt and wish you could squeeze it, SQUEEZE IT! Pinch it enough to say, “I could have really lit you up!” but not enough to hurt. Spank it hard enough to make a noise but not enough to make it hurt. It’s the surprise and naughtiness, not any show of ownership or force, that gets the job done.

Or sneak up behind her and tickle her, or tug the waistband of her undies if it’s showing. Just get a rise out of her, preferably with something both fun and sexy, but at least something fun and playful. Get back in touch with that fearless, hormonally-driven teenager that you used to be, and do those things that you either did with impunity or that you wished you could do like the “popular guys” did. Why do you think they were so popular in the first place? Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t their looks! It was their fun-loving, confident attitude. The ones with looks got a lot of first dates; the fun, confident ones had a lot of subsequent dates – not to mention steady relationships and sex!

If you find yourself having covert interludes outside your house, don’t just do it and go home, celebrate it. Mark the spot as a favorite in your car’s navigation system (Garmin, TomTom, etc.), or keep a “covert mission log” together. Start a collection of tokens taken from this places of venture – a blade of grass, a piece of tree bark or a stone, a lid from a disposable drinking cup or bottle cap that held a celebratory drink afterward. Just anything she can tie the memory to and put in her treasure box.

Giving her something to remind her of all the fun that you have will stir up more longing for fun and avoid both the doldrums and the inexplicable explosion that ultimately comes when she gets bored, not to mention the affairs and other problems that will happen if the boredom goes on too long. And as the collection grows, put it somewhere that you see both see it, and when someone asks what it is, just smile and change the subject, upping the naughty level by maintaining an intimate secret that draws a wink every time you’re in the room where the “treasure” lives.

You can really get creative with that covert mission log, too. To create an extra adventure, find some way to record the position in terms of latitude and longitude (a GPS or Sat-Nav device is extremely handy for this) on a slip of paper with nothing else, and have your wife store the slips in her treasure box. Sometime in the future, have her extract one of these slips of paper from her treasure box, at random and use the latitude and longitude to try to find the spot. If you can find it within an hour or two, have a repeat performance to celebrate. Geocaching? Hah! And after all, it must be a good spot since it worked the first time! ;-)

I’m thinking about having a contest. The contest is I start a thread on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, in which everyone who cares to participate lists the most outrageous places they have ever had adventure nookie. No lewd descriptions of the nookie itself, just the place, and any remarks about how your spouse responded, i.e., “in the walk-in cooler at my dad’s restaurant after closing, and my wife is still talking about how fun it was ten years later.” Stuff like that. The prize would be a copy of my book. If interested, e-mail me at forum@makingherhappy.com and if there’s sufficient interest, I’ll set it up and we’ll do it.

This isn’t rocket science, gentlemen. It’s simply the result of knowing what women want and need, especially that part that is different from us, but yet not in conflict with us. It’s the result of knowing that women crave having us act like men instead of scared little boys or couch potatoes who revel in being born with two hands so that we can operate a remote control and a beer can at the same time. It’s the result of knowing what a man is, and what is natural for him to feel, and that it’s usually not just okay, but highly desirable, for him to act upon those feelings in all but extreme cases.

How do you learn all that? Easy! Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and spend a few hours reading the wisdom of the ages, that which women have proven that they want you to know most, and then the rest of your life being a man, a real man, sought after by women and loved, adored and nurtured by his wife.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Can You Take a Hint? Learn to, NOW, If You Want to Have a Great Relationship and Marriage

It is the average woman’s nature, due to the physical structure of her brain, to speak indirectly, often employing hints, signals, questions that are statements and vice versa, etc., that she has no idea that you can’t perceive and interpret. Do you have any idea what you’re missing? Or what she’s thinking – or assuming -- because of it? It’s not a pretty picture, but you can easily improve it.

Gentlemen, I have a real treat for you today! A woman has written about the hints she dropped to her boyfriend to try to seduce him, and it’s an eyeful to say the least! Meet Evelyn:

Dear David,

I’ve read your book and I wish I had the money to buy your book for every man on the planet but I would have to read to them and no one has that much spare time. My god how hard can it really be to buy a book that tells you all you need to know about a woman and be able to understand how woman speak??? It’s not brain surgery we are looking for them to perform, it’s just simple everyday things we are looking for them to understand.

For example today I went over to my boyfriend’s to pick up something he had made for me. I wasn’t going over there with just sex on my mind but to be honest I was really wanting to spend some time with him and hoping for a good roll around the bed while I was there. I was not sure how good he was feeling so I was not going to ask him straight out if he wanted some. I would just feel it out and see how he was acting. As I walked in he was doing something and we talked for a little bit then I decided that before I left I was going to give it a try and see if he wanted to spend some time on the sofa or in the bed with me.

I started dropping hints talking about sexy things and even went as far as to stroke his crotch one time while I was looking into his eyes and grinned and winked at him. When that did not work I would rub against him and kind of purr at him lean in for a kiss just anything I could do to get him to touch me and look at me.

In the end I finally told him I was going out this weekend and he could not touch my breasts because I wanted them to sit up and look nice in this low cut shirt I was going to wear. I know how he hates it when I go out with the girls because yes we do drink and knowing I can not always handle my drinks like I should and that I sometimes get into trouble flirting after a few drinks. He looked at me and said “it’s time for you to get undressed.” Well you know what went on from there but my point is what else could I have done to get the same results without saying “let’s have sex” straight out? I have no problem doing that once in a while but a woman likes for a man to know what she wants by actions without her having to spell it out for him every time.

Thanks for your time,
Evelyn

My reply:

Hi Evelyn, and thanks for writing. I would have had to be there and seen what happened to give you an accurate answer, because what you are describing can be taken more than one way, and his demeanor and body language would have provided details that you left out.

It could be that he’s really that daft, but I’d find it hard to accept that a man couldn’t take the hint of you stroking his crotch to know what you wanted. It could be that he was making you chase him to heighten your arousal, but a man in-the-know will try to make that more fun for you instead of frustrating; maybe he was just following bad advice to play “hard to get.”

It could be that he was extremely busy but didn’t want to tell you that he didn’t have time for sex play at the moment because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings, and either recognized your “desperation” or got jealous when you spoke of going out with the girls. It’s just too hard to say without the necessary facts.

There’s nothing wrong with just inviting him to the bedroom or starting to undress him, as long as you are sure of his mood and physical condition, and as long as you don’t do it so often that he feels no challenge; men get bored in the absence of challenge just as easily as women. I’d strongly suggest trying to talk with him about it, in an exploratory, not threatening, complaining, or accusatory tone, and find out if he was unaware of the hints, just trying to save your feelings, trying to do the wrong thing because he thought it was the right thing, or whatever.

No matter what he says, as long as it’s the truth, the two of you can get things worked out if you’ll simply focus on the issues and not each other’s fault or blame. ALWAYS focus on issues, not people, when addressing problems – WHAT is wrong, not WHO is wrong. That’s how the problems get solved without the people getting angry.

I’d also suggest you mention that you have read my book and offer to let him read it because it would be the easiest way to bridge the communications gap the two of you appear to have, not to mention point out to him that if he’s going to tease you and hold out on you, it’s a lot more effective if he makes it fun instead of frustrating. He may well have been reading some relationship help material and picked up on the need to create a challenge for you but missed the part about making it fun, IF it was even included. Some really bad books for both men and women advise making your partner insecure as a way of keeping them close, which is toxic at best.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David

Gentlemen, there are several things here for you to learn. The most obvious is that women do think about sex when we’re not around, and that they don’t like to just bluntly initiate their own seduction. That takes all the fun out of it for them because for them, sex is about anticipation, adventure, and connection; about getting intimate and getting to the orgasm, not the orgasm itself. It sounds odd to a man, but for the majority of women the majority of the time, the orgasm is simply the end of sex, not the purpose of it; it’s good, and lots of them are better, but it’s icing, not cake. They tend to remember not having orgasms a lot longer than they remember having them. It’s the intimacy, anticipation, tension, teasing, seduction, and to an immense degree, trust, that makes it work for them and that they yearn for.

They will drop hints because they want you to take the lead in the seduction process, playing, teasing, creating sexual tension to the point that they can’t hold back any longer and tear into you like they haven’t experienced an orgasm in twenty years. For them, it is that rush of anticipation and the intimacy and attention that follow that is their purpose for sex, and without that, they get bored to death. That’s why they don’t even open the door to sex, but rather just unlock it. You have to open it and lead the way in most of the time.

Again, that’s not to say that they don’t enjoy the orgasm, or multiple orgasms. Being able to perform like that is important for too many reasons to get into in one newsletter, but at this moment we are speaking of priority, and for most women most of the time, the chase, anticipation, intimacy, etc., will be somewhat more important than orgasm (after all, most of them can give themselves orgasms that we can’t match, but just as it is for us, it’s “sterile,” as in “relief without gratification,” since there is no connection factor) and spending more time with her in those things will benefit you in ways that you will have to see to believe.

Do keep in mind that there is a lot of evidence to support the assertion that if you can regularly bring a woman to orgasm, it will take some extraordinary problems to cause her to leave you, so no slacking in the bedroom! Remember, her orgasm is the result of anticipation, adventure, and connection, three of the most important things to a woman regardless of whether sex is even involved, so it’s not surprising. So like everything else in relationships, balance is required because everything is interrelated!

I will go to my grave saying this: Emotionally- and mentally-healthy heterosexual women like men and like sex -- a lot – some of them even more than men; they are physically able to enjoy a lot more of it than we are. But they are biologically wired to enjoy being led and to be aroused by alpha male behavior (human, not dog, and make sure you know the difference), and they need for you to take the lead in moving them from curiosity or mild arousal to that wild, uncontrollable state that gives them that “swept off their feet” feeling. You need to learn how to recognize the hints and signals that she is so inclined, and you need to know the behavior that causes her to direct that curiosity and attraction at you instead of letting her get bored and ultimately directing it at someone else.

What? Your wife would never do that? Don’t bet on it, because what you are wagering is literally your marriage and family life. Affairs and divorces can happen between two people who love each other deeply, and they do happen all too often. Love does not create the attraction and excitement that keeps you intimately involved and defeats her worst enemy, literally a woman’s arch-nemesis: boredom.

(And conversely, attraction without love won’t keep you together either; rather, it creates one of those relationships in which you have good sex but everything else sucks and you fight all the time because the compatibility isn’t there. It takes both.)

Quick review: Women deal with boredom the same way men deal with crisis; boredom appears on a woman’s emotional scale in the same spot as crisis on a man’s emotional scale. They will take desperate action if they have to, and if desperate enough, an involuntary survival mechanism kicks in and she literally cannot be held responsible for her actions. It’s not a moral or logical issue; it’s pure anatomy, physiology, and biology.

The good news – indeed, the GREAT news! – is that doing your job in the relationship and protecting her from boredom is one of the easiest and most natural things you will ever do, not to mention great fun! The biggest requirement is that you become a “real guy,” and shed all that ridiculous New Age and politically correct programming that we’ve been inundated with since the 1970’s. How hard can that be?

Quickly picking up your communications skills to a level much closer to hers is also easy. Very few of us will ever be on par with women as communicators because we don’t have the biological infrastructure to do so, but we can get close enough that they’ll meet us in the middle. Luckily, it’s one of those things where sheer awareness goes a very long way toward ensuring success, and it really doesn’t take that much effort once you know how everything works.

The bad news is that in order to be one of the very few guys who know, beyond any doubt, what women want, how to communicate effectively with them, and how to turn their sexual attraction to you on and off, you’re going to have to take a few hours out of your busy schedule of sitting on the couch channel surfing with a beer and read a book, 118 pages to be exact. And it’s going to cost you, too, a little less than dinner for two at a decent restaurant. That’s not so bad, is it? Think about it!

How many decades have you been telling yourself that “no man will ever know what women want” or that “communicating with a woman is a lost cause”? Even Sigmund Freud, the renowned psychologist, said, “The Great Question, which I have not answered, is ‘What does a woman want?’” Well, you can know, today, with just a few hours of reading. And I can prove it, because joining me on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, are other men whom I’ve taught and women who will vouch for us. Interested?

Yeah, I thought so. So click on over to http://www.makingherhappy.com and get your copy of the book Evelyn mentioned, "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and become that guy you always wished you could be, that manly man who does manly things and who knows what women want, and what they are saying and even THINKING when they’re with you. It doesn’t get any easier or more affordable than this, so get moving! Never, EVER put off until tomorrow the success you can enjoy today!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, October 03, 2011

Readers' Lessons Regarding Testing and Emotional Scales Affecting Their Relationship or Marriage

Recent lessons have brought some great comments from readers that you can learn from, so here they are!

We’re going to do something a little different today. Some of my best students have recently shared comments that are insightful and pertinent, but wouldn’t provide sufficient content for a whole newsletter, so I’m going to put them together here for you so that you may share their insights and hopefully have something “click” that may not have occurred to you.

Regarding a recent article on testing (http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/874-The-Truth-About-Testing-and-Why-Being-a-Nice-Guy-Will-Kill-Your-Relationship-or-Marriage), the following paragraph was embedded in a status report from my top student:

“Great newsletter, by the way - if it isn't one of your ‘must read’ reprints, it should be! The whole subject of testing is so critical that it can't be talked about too much. The key, I think, is to get men beyond the recognition of it [we all recognize it, whether we name it or explain it properly or not], and get us to understand that women aren't to be BLAMED for it, just understood. It would get rid of a lot of anger, but deny comedians a ton of material!

“Of course, it wouldn't hurt women to learn a bit about men and stop BLAMING us for things, either. So much of the relationship advice is of the "what men do wrong" type that it leaves women thinking they have to change their husbands or leave them - no alternatives. What a huge disservice to the women that is, not to mention the men. One of my favorite quotes from you is that people need to be concerned about WHAT'S the issue, not WHO'S to blame. Huge.”

That is absolutely right. Blame is for losers; you NEVER see an achiever of either gender engaging in blame at any time. If you look at the people who are respected in the world on any level, they don’t try, they don’t blame, and they don’t wait. They DO. They simply see a problem, figure out what needs to be done, and get it done. The biggest favor you can do yourself in your entire life is to do the same thing, forget about trying, blaming, and waiting for others to act and take responsibility for what’s happening in your life. It’s only then that you can make it better. One of my favorite lines from a movie is when Yoda said to Luke Skywalker, “Do, or do not. There is no try.”

That doesn’t mean you should expect to do the impossible; a rational decision must be made about a solution before the solution is implemented. It means that once you’ve identified the problem, you take responsibility for whatever part of the outcome you can influence and you take appropriate action. For example:

You’re in a hypothetical marriage that started off too young and with the wrong person. The two of you have had a great sex life because there has been abundant attraction, but you’ve fought tooth and nail in all other aspects of your relationship because there is no real love, common values, common or shared goals and interests, etc., to give the rest of the relationship substance, and everything other than sex is a point of conflict. Your wife says she’s had enough and it’s time to move on. What do you do?

You take the only rational action available to you, and you take it quickly and fairly. You move on.

You don’t wait for things to get better, because compatibility problems don’t go away over time. You don’t make some heroic attempt to do the impossible, because it only causes more pain and resentment. You don’t blame her and go to war and punish her or allow her to punish you; it was a mutual mistake that requires cooperation to get out of without further pain and frustration, not to mention totally unnecessary escalated legal expenses. In a nutshell, you just do what must be done.

Second hypothetical situation: you’ve been married twenty years, your lives have revolved around your children, who left home a year or two ago, and the two of you have love, respect, trust, loyalty, and communicate better than most couples you know. But you’re not having fun. You’re in a rut of watching TV every night while you eat dinner, then the two of you go off to your computers to chat with friends or to other hobbies, and you go to bed whenever the mood to sleep strikes you without saying “good night” to the other, let alone inviting them to go with you. Your sex life amounts to one episode every month or two that can be described as “relief without gratification.” Your neighbor starts making advances toward you. What do you do?

Do you succumb to the temptation of the affair? No, because it’s a stupid move. Too easy for it to get out of control and get you caught. Any other affair has about the same probability of the same outcome. Behavior changes too much to go unnoticed.

Do you accept the realization that life could be more fun and hope that things get better? Also a stupid move. When was the last time you saw people ignoring their relationship problems and their problems just fixed themselves?

Do you blame your wife for the rut you’re in and wait for her to take the first action in making life fun again? Utterly ridiculous, given that it’s your job to lead the action because you’re wired to do it and she’s wired to respond to you leading.

Do you just break it off and get a divorce because you can’t take the boredom anymore? Throwing away genuine love is the most foolish and destructive act a person can inflict upon oneself, except for suicide.

So in a nutshell, you have a whole lot of options, but only one good one: Recognize that you have a great foundation for a lasting relationship, but have indeed fallen in a rut. Take responsibility for the rut, find out what it takes to get out, and get out! You may have to “try” a few things to see what helps get out of the rut, but there’s a big difference between experimenting with potentially fun things to help your relationship and failing to commit to fixing the relationship and following through. If you’re attitude and conviction are where they are supposed to be, you’re “trying” activities and solutions, not “trying” to fix the relationship; you’re FIXING the relationship.

This excerpt is from another of my top students:

“Your newsletters and e-book have helped immensely. I saw that I was a wuss. I couldn’t and wouldn’t make choices for a fear of hurting someone’s feelings. Now I make choices or give options and if someone says ‘doesn’t matter,’ I make a choice and stand to it. I am still in the learning phase of reading my wife. She is a very independent woman and makes decisions without me. I have to learn how to deal with that. One of her hot buttons is the ‘making a decision’ button. I have learned that when she says ‘it doesn’t matter’, she is testing me and she wants to be led and she wants to follow.”

He’s noticed that some things are simply a matter of choice and attitude, like decision-making, while other require some study. He’s mastered the principles and is now methodically looking everywhere for new opportunities to apply what he knows. Ultimately, he realized that success, self-improvement, and great relationships are not destinations, but journeys that can last a lifetime and take you places that the rest of the world doesn’t even know exists.

From a new student who rapidly went to a seat in the front row of the class, in response to my remark that “I have looked extensively and intensely for a downside to attractive behavior, and have failed utterly to find one”:

“Abso-friggin'-lutely. And we seem to exude that simply by expressing more of what it means to be human; for example, expressing anger or disapproval quickly, but in a calm, controlled, constructive manner...setting boundaries...having self-respect, taking charge, leading, etc.”

I wish I had said that. Really. I’ve been trying to tell men for years, since long before I took up this project, that…

“…being human is something to which one should aspire, not something for which one should apologize…”

And that being an attractive male is all about doing those things that come naturally to men: leading, protecting, being deliberate and competent, not to mention confident, enjoying their life and being able to laugh at themselves and with everyone else, all with self-love and self-respect…

Yes, self-love is required! Those words cause altruists to cringe, but think back through your own life and identify even one person who was self-abusive or self-immolating that you wanted to be around, indeed, felt COMPELLED to be around (unless you were codependent, of course), and I’ll be thoroughly shocked, to say the least. That’s not to say that narcissism is an admirable trait, because it’s not; EXCESSIVE regard for anything is inherently unattractive, but a man must love himself enough to be able to respect himself before others can do either one.

And one more quickie, because this newsletter is getting longer than some of you may have time to read, regarding the crying incident at the dinner party, after which I gave the crying woman a mug of hot chocolate after I…

“…shot some whipped cream on top of it and set it in front of the woman, who I knew to be a ‘chocoholic’ and very sensitive to the serotonin-boosting effects of the polyphenols in dark chocolate."

“Sir - you are a genius. Great newsletter, thanks.”

No, I’m not a genius. I’m 38 IQ points above genius, regardless of what my typos may cause you to think. ;-) But what I described was not the result of genius, and you don’t have to be a genius, either. That was the result of being OBSERVANT and being a MAN, and taking action where action is prescribed. That is something ANY MAN CAN DO. When you know what a powerful comfort food chocolate is and that women respond simultaneously to the smell, taste, and feel of a mug of hot chocolate in addition to the powerful effect is has on the brain, being ready and able to quickly dispense some when there are women around is like keeping versatile tools like a hammer, flashlight, and screwdriver within easy reach in your home, something that every man does because it is his nature to resolve problems quickly and efficiently and move on.

If you watch women, they have their tools, just like we do. They have things like their treasure box and chocolate to fight melancholia. They have gadgets for painting their faces and curling their hair and eyebrows, not to mention removing hair. They have tools like romance novels and chick-flicks to fight boredom and help them manage their hyperactive hormone pumps that can mess with their moods at inopportune times. They are masters of communication and social networking because they are driven to engage in it, and you’ll find they always have things like telephones, notepaper, stationery, and these days a notebook computer or Blackberry for e-mail, etc., within easy reach of them, no matter where they are. A good look into a woman’s “tool box” can teach you a lot about women, if you have the sense to raise the lid and look.

There’s more, and I may continue this tomorrow, but I’ve noticed that many of you say you read this newsletter during coffee breaks at work so I make it a point to keep it short enough to be read in five minutes but long enough to make sure you can really learn something that can help you each day.

There is one other thing I’d like to point out in closing, and that is that all of my top students have a common characteristic: They seek out solid information (like the pages upon pages of newsletters, coaching, and problem solving at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com) and they act on it when they find it. They try different information sources, but they don’t try to arbitrarily make improvements or mix and match methods; they recognize facts, truth, and what much be done, and just do it.

Plato said, “Fortune favors the bold,” speaking of men of action, but if you’re like me, you don’t put much stock in “fortune” anyway. However, history is another matter, and while history also favors the bold, it seems to favor most THE PREPARED. And it makes perfect sense: The prepared are those who can be the boldest with the greatest chance of success.

So what about you? Are you blaming somebody for your problems? Or waiting for them to just go away? Or waiting for somebody else to fix them? Taking responsibility sounds tough, but in fact it’s the easiest thing in the world to do, because all it takes is a simple choice to seek appropriate action and take it. The decision is most often harder than the action itself.

So go on and make a choice, right here, right now, to make your marriage or committed relationship better and keep it that way. There’s no sense taking a bad trip when you can have a grand adventure, is there? Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and then join us, the truly happy men of the world who know what men have always wanted and needed to know about women, and make your life one that you want to get out of bed every morning to live.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Understand Our Differing Emotional Scales for the Best Relationship or Marriage

MUST READ: Men’s and Women’s emotional scales are calibrated very differently, and understanding how can literally make the difference in being happy and being divorced.

If you’ve been following me for long, you know how seldom I put the words “MUST READ” in a title or summary, and I promise it will be worth your time to read this time, too.

If I could teach everyone on Earth only one thing above all others to help them get along better, not just in intimate, committed relationships, but in ALL inter-gender relationships, it would be a hard choice between compatibility, our difference in communication skills and protocols, and the difference in the structure of our emotional scales. All are critical to getting along well, and if I had to choose one, I’d feel like I was being asked by King Solomon to cleave and split a child between three mothers, because the three are so crucial; the absence of any of them spells disaster.

I discuss communication protocols and compatibility frequently, and today I want to focus on our emotional scales. One you your fellow readers, who is now a moderator on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, contacted me in crisis once and now has his situation under control, thanks mainly to the understanding of these two points. (His attraction skills were already fairly strong and needed only minimal improvement once he realized he had let them slide.) He agreed to allow me to share excerpts from our discussions to help explain both the concept and how important it is to any relationship.

Here’s an excerpt from one of his status reports:

“...It quickly rolled into the ‘emotional scale’ speech, which she seemed to really listen to - I think it's starting to sink in, and makes sense to her. Taking it slow has allowed her to process that and buy in piece by piece. Honestly, David, if that were your sole contribution to the world, you should be famous for it. I'm not sure of its origins, but it's absolutely brilliant. Applies to all men and women, and the only trick to applying it is to understand that each woman has different levels of tolerance and varying coping abilities. I was able to give her an awesome example for evidence - a fight we had years ago - that also included a basic communication problem as well, and one where she's always ‘fought to win,’ [instead of ‘fighting to get what’s right’] and never admitted her role in the thing. Tonight, her silence told me she's seeing it, or admitting it to herself. There were a few instances of her processing those things and allowing that she was partially at fault. Big step for her lately - she used to do it, but hasn't at all lately.”

An excerpt from my response, just for clarity:

“As for the emotional scale thing, that was my own, something I've noticed in working with all these women. I looked for weeks on Google and everywhere else for any mention of it, and never found it.”

And here’s “the emotional scale speech,” as he called it, a suggestion I made to him for explaining to his wife why she had done some things about which she was feeling very guilty and why he had failed to recognize her problem and do something about it:

"I just read a thing about the difference between how men and women build, process, and prioritize emotions, and it sounded weird at first, but after looking back it makes a lot of sense. Our emotional scales are different, at least with regard to what we need to feel to be comfortable. My emotional scale or range runs from extreme negative to extreme positive (left to right), with neutral being in the middle of the scale.

“The female scale or range runs from neutral, or emotionless, to extremely emotionally charged, overwhelmed even, with little to no discrimination between positive and negative emotion. Both of us are most comfortable when we are just slightly 'to the right' of the middle of the scale, me feeling a little positive (too much positive makes a man irrational and silly) and you being just a little more emotionally charged than the center of your emotional range (too much emotion, positive or negative, with no way to vent it overloads you as well.)

“What's really interesting is that we act similar when we are at the same place on our scale. Being bored to you feels the same as being scared or angry feels to me: agitated, desperate, ready to do anything, even if it's wrong, to change the situation, and potentially irrational. We’re both very comfortable just a little to the opposite side of the center of the scale, and at the far right, we get irrational, overwhelmed, and don't know what to do next, and have a strong tendency to do the wrong thing because our inhibitions and discipline go right out the window.

“One of the points it brought out of that is that men are naturally a bit comfortable with emotional neutrality, at least for a short time, while it is downright torturous for a woman. I never realized it was such an issue until I read that, and now that I know, I'll never let a woman be bored in my presence again, because I won't see someone tortured like that."

A couple of weeks passed after that discussion, and it apparently really produced understanding, some forgiveness, and cooperation where none was possible before. His last comment follows:

“You've really, really got to get that ‘emotional scale’ idea out there - everyone will steal it, but if you put some marketing behind it, you can retain credit as the source. Maybe there's a visual you could create so it instantly made sense to those who see it.”

That’s quite an accolade, having a reader see something as so important as to want to protect the author’s ownership of a concept that he paid to learn. Think about that for a minute…it would take some pretty significant results to convert a “reader” into a “disciple” in any case, would it not?

By the way, the graphic is pretty easy (comfort zone is at the “+” symbol):

Men’s emotional scale:

------------------------------------+--------------------------
-∞ no emotion +∞

Women’s emotional scale:

------------------------------------+--------------------------
no emotion ∞ emotion

Learn this concept and keep it in the front of your mind at all times. Recognize when the women in your life are bored, and try to do something about it whenever and however it’s appropriate, even if it’s just to invite them to join you in whatever you’re doing. You’ll find yourself attaining a sort of hero status among them, and triggering a lot of appreciation, cooperation, and nurturing. A coworker will watch your back and try to help you out, a friend will be more attentive and supportive, and your partner will reward you with the relationship of your dreams, as long as you don’t blow it by engaging in wussy, deceitful, or abusive behavior.

How do you do something about it? Sometimes a kind or funny word or two will do it, sometimes a smile, sometimes a surprise or even an adventure. It varies from woman to woman, mood to mood, and setting to setting, and there is no laundry list that will get you through. If you need a rule of thumb that will fit all situations, here it is:

“Attraction is any and every woman's ultimate salvation from boredom.”

There is nothing bad that can come from just being a confident, fun leader at any time and many great things that can come from it, so if you’re doing what you should be doing as a man, no woman will ever be able to be bored while you’re around, and the woman who lives with you will feel good about her choice and know she’s in the right place -- your partner deserves more than any other woman in your life, right?

She’s the one you share everything with, and the one you’re trying to fix things for so you can spend the rest of your life with her. For her, you must learn more about women: what they want, what makes them tick, how to listen to and understand them, how to speak to them, and what flips their attraction switches, among other things.

Are you a guy who likes a single source to fill in a whole lot of gaps? I certainly do; the older I get, the more I try to find ways of simplifying everything. If simplifying your life sounds good to you – and you won’t believe how much having a great relationship with your partner will simplify your life until you actually experience it – then you need to jump over to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and get up to speed, fast and easy, and start clearing some of the relationship clutter, nuisances, and even disasters out of your life.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham