Saturday, September 24, 2011

What Are Outside Influences Doing to YOUR Relationship and Marriage?

Is your environment, especially the part of it you choose and create for yourself, increasing or killing your attractiveness? It’s easy to tell by taking a good look around you, if you know what to look for. Do you?

I get a lot of mail from men who are feeling bad about themselves, complaining that their wives disrespect them, don’t like their job, feel like they’re alone and have no friends, and generally have a crappy outlook on life. There are a lot of causes for this, but generally when a man is disrespected, disregarded, and/or has nobody around him he would call a friend, it’s the result of bad attitude. And that’s fixable.

Many of the causes of both good and poor attitude are in the things that surround us daily. Let’s take a look at your living and work environments to see what they may be doing for you, or TO you. Much of male attractiveness is the direct result of attitude, self-esteem, and confidence, and your environment can impact those things directly and profoundly. Therefore, it can impact your attractiveness directly and profoundly, which in turn determines how – and whether – those around you will want to interact with you.

Feeling good about yourself requires that you take action to succeed, which in turn requires that you feel worthy of success and motivated to go after it. How does your environment affect you in this regard? Everything around you can impact you, so let’s look at some of the big ones to give you a feel for what to look for, and you can refine your search from there. Let’s start with music.

Yes, that’s a biggie! Even if you aren’t listening actively, it’s still there, being interpreted and assimilated, and there are subconscious mechanisms that act upon what you hear, so to what influences are you exposing yourself? First, what do you choose to listen to? If it’s depressing, as a lot of alternative rock, death metal, and some country and honky tonk, ballads, and of course, blues can be, it’s working on you. In my own experience, according to pop culture lore Michael Bolton was a great guy, but his music was so depressing that I couldn’t listen to it, and while I like some of the instrumental portions of Iron Maiden and Metallica, the death-oriented lyrics of many of their songs make me want to just shake somebody and tell them to wake up and get a clue. (The same goes for the angry-sounding rap that glorifies rape and cop-killing; fortunately, this isn’t all rap, just the worst of it.)

It’s a shame, too. Whether you like “hard” rock or not, there is no denying, debating, or escaping the fact that Trent Reznor, the heart of the now-defunct Nine Inch Nails, is a modern-day Mozart. Really. The richness and complexity of his composition easily rivals Mozart if you listen to it actively. However, active and inactive listening require that you hear the lyrics, which caused one music critic to describe Reznor as “having taken self-loathing to an art form.” But what do you expect from a guy who just broke his 20-year heroin addiction when that critic spoke? It’s hard to write happy or uplifting song lyrics when you hate yourself that badly. And unfortunately, most “alternative rock,” while popular, seems to follow that same formula of desperation and self-immolation.

I grew up in an area where country, bluegrass, and honky tonk music was the music standard, and in my childhood, country music was all about trouble. Even if somebody had something good to mention in a song, it was in the context of missing it, or somebody else having it and wishing they could have it. I can remember even as a small child wondering why people wanted to listen to songs that spoke of people hurting each other, breaking up, divorcing, being lonely, etc., and I could see that those who listened to depressing music were depressed. That made me wonder which was the cause and which was the effect. I learned later in college that it goes both ways, and once in the cycle, it forms a feedback loop that sustains and even amplifies itself.

Even if you’re not choosing what you listen to, as in cases where you have piped-in music in your office that someone else chooses, or have a partner or a child that tends to dominate the household music listening (which luckily isn’t as bad these days since personal computers and personal MP3 players make private listening much easier), you may consciously just ignore it, but your subconscious mind ignores nothing. Hence, the music you expose yourself to, at least with regard for helping you to maintain a positive attitude and good self-image, needs to be fun, uplifting, motivating, etc., providing at least some positive influence; at worst, it should be attitude neutral, like some form of light instrumental or dance music.

What about television? Do you watch informative shows that help you feel better-prepared to achieve? Comedies to help break the tension? Heroic adventures to see the good guys kill the bad guys and go home with the girl for “gratuitous whoopee”? Or do you watch sad stories, a.k.a., “human interest” stories, where the object is to pull you in to feeling sorry for the subject? Or nothing but news, which tends to be negative because disaster gets better ratings that acts of heroism? Being informed is necessary, but you have to be careful of the source, because between sensationalism and bias, it can wreck your outlook and attitude in a cold minute. How can anyone expect to have a good outlook on life if a good portion of what they see every day is negative? There is obviously a lot you can’t choose, but there is also a lot that you can, so choose well.

By the way, did you know that studies prove one of the biggest differences in wealthy people and poor people is the amount of time they spend engaged in “passive entertainment”? That’s entertainment that doesn’t provide any benefit other than passing time and eliciting emotional responses, like most television programming. In a nutshell, those studies indicate that wealthy people read motivational and instructive material for entertainment, or attend seminars, while poor people watch soap operas and reality TV; one lives, while the other passes time.

Speaking of what you see in the workplace, how is your job affecting your outlook on life? Are you well-suited to your chosen profession and advancing through achievement? Are you appreciated and rewarded by your current employer? Do you enjoy getting out of bed in the morning to start your work day or do you leave home at the last possible minute and arrive a few minutes late every day because you just really don’t want to be there?

High self-esteem comes from achievement and no other source, and in everyday life, that means mainly from success at productive work or a productive hobby, one that offers challenge – eating donuts or watching football is not a productive hobby. It’s a “pastime,” and you need to distinguish between them. Pastimes provide no mental challenge. That’s why I cringe when baseball is described as “America’s favorite pastime.” Passively watching the game is a pastime, but playing, coaching, or even scorekeeping is absolutely not. So make sure that in addition to work, you have at least one real hobby and not just a bunch of pastimes sucking up the time and energy you could be using to enjoy achieving and feel better about yourself.

Getting back to work, if your work conditions keep you from feeling like you are accomplishing anything, either in your job or your career, or if it’s swallowing you (as seems to be frequently portrayed on police dramas like “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit,” or any of the various flavors of “Crime Scene Investigation” where the officers are constantly exposed to the worst elements of human behavior and cannot avoid it because their job is to deal with it), depression and unattractive behavior is virtually inevitable.

The statistics available on divorce rates bear it out, too, by the way. Social workers, vice cops, criminal lawyers, and doctors all have higher divorce rates than bakers, telephone operators, etc. If your chosen field is killing your marriage – or has killed more than one – and marriage is important to you, it’s time to look at a career change, even if it’s a bit of a step backwards. And before you say, “But I can’t afford to make less money!” how long is it going to take you to pay for another divorce? How much will the medical bills inflicted by the stress of a career that is more pressure than you can safely endure cost you? A career change might actually be cheaper and help you live longer in the long run.

Take a hard, objective look at your job and your career, and if it is not satisfying you, talk with a professional headhunter or placement agency, no matter what you do now or think you may be capable of doing. They stay in business by competently matching people with good jobs, and often have aptitude tests and other placement aids they will be glad to offer you on the chance that they may be able to pick up a commission by placing you in a good job. And don’t let the idea of a career change scare you into failing to act. You may be surprised at how radical a career switch you can make but still be able to leverage your experience and be able to make more of a lateral – or UPWARD! --move instead of having to start over at the bottom of another career path.

Another huge influence, and the last one I’ll speak about today, are the people around you. Achievers will influence you to achieve, and slackers and miscreants of every sort, being unwilling to do what is necessary to achieve, will seek justification and validation by spreading their lackadaisical or defeatist attitude around like a virus.

You know them, the people to whom you announce good news and they insist that all good fortune is either fleeting or something bad must happen to you to pay for your good fortune, and they’re always blaming their sorry life and lack of achievement on limited opportunities and some oppressive entity, system, or mystical force, instead of doing what achievers do to make their own opportunities, while telling you that you need to relax and not take life or yourself so seriously. You may include these people in your circle of “friends,” but they are not friends. Friends don’t try to impede the happiness of friends by trying to negate or impede every good thing that comes their way.

If you have any of these people around, even if they are blood relatives, get them out of your life before they take you down with them; if they had any interest in climbing out of their funk, they would have done something about it already, so don’t bother trying to “save” them, either. Learn to let people be accountable for their own choices, and be accountable for your own. It’s a lot easier to successfully manage your life and affairs that way, and you’ll never be put in a position of feeling like a failure because of someone else’s failure to act.

Once you find and eliminate all these negative influences from your life, you’ll find that confident, “can’t touch this” attitude that women find so irresistible comes automatically. You’ll also find that your life is a whole lot simpler and more enjoyable, and that you have new-found room in your life for people you enjoy being around as well.

Think you can’t do it? Talk to me. Just join our forum at http://forum.makingherhappy.com and post your concerns in any forum there that seems appropriate for what’s on your mind; I’ll find it and we’ll figure it out together. There’s a nifty “What’s New” feature that shows all new posts every time you log in, and I use it every time I log in to make sure I don’t miss anything. You don’t have to join to read what anyone else has posted, but to protect you from spammers, hackers, and other social nuisances, we do require registration to post.

But it’s as anonymous as you choose to make it, and we neither share your e-mail address with anyone (unless compelled to by legal authorities) nor flood your inbox with third-party product offers. Indeed, e-mails sent to forum members are of the “We have a special case that could use your input” ilk or announcements of new useful features, like our online chat room, Tapatalk interface for mobile access, etc. In short, you’ll never get an e-mail trying to sell you anything as a result of joining our forum.

And by the way, here’s a big bonus: when you couple that improved attitude with a solid working knowledge of how to evaluate relationships, how to effectively communicate with women, and what they automatically respond to with curiosity, excitement, and desire, a great relationship with a great woman is a foregone conclusion, even if you’re not currently with one!

What you need to know about all of that is waiting for you in a single source, my e-book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” It’s an instant download at http://www.makingherhappy.com, fully tested and guaranteed to work -- and for less than the cost of a good meal for two at a nice restaurant! Can you afford to ignore such information? NO! Can you use such information? YES! So get clicking, Bub, because life’s too short to waste it feeling lousy about your life, job, and marriage! ;-)

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, September 23, 2011

What Is Your Partner's Motive for Having You in Your Relationship or Marriage?

What is your partner’s REAL motive for having you around? The answer lies in their words and actions…

Another lovely morning with a big country breakfast, a huge mug of coffee, and a lot of friends trying to find a way to make their lives together better. For me, that’s a great way to start a day: pleasure and productivity.

A quick note before we begin today’s lesson: One of you sent me a link to an article that is revealing, revolutionary, and for some, downright scary. Entitled “Mommy’s Little Secret,” it describes, among other things, statistical evidence that 10% of children in the western hemisphere think that their father is someone other than who their biological father really is, if you know what I mean.

DNA evidence is causing all manner of revelations of infidelity, and it’s so bad that the courts are now trying to figure out when people are legally bound to tell fathers and “duped dads” (the one who is paying the bills thinking it’s for his own child) and when they’re not. The article is at http://www.canadiancrc.com/articles/Globe_and_Mail_Moms_Little_secret_14DEC02.aspx and I strongly recommend you read it; even though it was published in 2002, it's still relevant and accurate and may apply to one of your friends who hasn't heard yet.

As for today’s lesson, one of your cohorts said this in response to the issue where I talked about men using guilt and pity tactics to try to obtain sex, the article titled “Sex for Pity’s Sake,” which you can access in the archive at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/858-Sex-for-Pity-s-Sake-a-Great-Way-to-Quickly-Destroy-a-Relationship-and-Marriage if you missed it:

Meet Tanja K.:

In my eyes women who use guilt or pity for sex are pathetic.....my hubby and I have been married for almost 22 years and there's what real married for love partners call give and take....my hubby is like my kids, spoiled to death and well adjusted...2 in college and 2 in grade school, if you get my drift, sex is our way of being one with each other, and trying new thing together, is what makes our marriage so to die for, so if you got out of me somehow that I use guilt or pity, you better find some new info about real women, not this new age “I'll sleep with you if you'll pay for my hair cut, or my college ed”....those are the women that make good men say dumb hurtful things....my hubby has been my prince from day one, if he's guilty of anything it might be that he hasn't taken time to find friends to have fun with, besides me, but then again, neither have I, our kids have made our life busy and full....hope you find a real women w/real moral values....

Tanja


Tanja’s beef is with women who prostitute themselves, not honestly as professionals, but as surreptitious gold-diggers; those parasites who land a man to be kept, provide means to create and maintain babies and/or self-destructive habits, and use guilt, pity, and sex to keep the man engaged and thinking everything is peachy. Google or Bing “toxic wife” for some extreme stories that will stand your hair on end, and if it looks familiar, don’t fly off into denial. Investigate and analyze the evidence. Gentlemen, we should all protect ourselves against such a woman, just as they protect themselves from predatory men; fortunately for us, they are the minority.

There are many kinds of relationships that can exist between a man and a woman, but this kind, especially in its most extreme variant, the codependent relationship, is the most destructive. One partner sucks the life out of the other and wastes it in destroying themselves, effectively rushing both of them to ruination and even an early grave. How can you tell if you’re in one of these?

It’s not that difficult. Indeed, detection is the easy part; accepting the truth and acting upon it is where most people fail.

First, take a look at who is contributing what and how much to the relationship, and how those contributions are being distributed. If you’re working your butt off and she (or HE! – it can go both ways, Ladies, as you’ll see in my next book) is spending it faster than you can make it, possibly on things that you find you secretly resent, such as a lot of extras for her and the kids, like eating out a lot and designer labels on all their clothes while you have holes in your shoes and take a cheese sandwich and store-brand soda to work for lunch, that’s a big red flag.

There’s no need to keep a detailed score; it will either be equitable because the relationship is committed and tight or completely lop-sided because one partner is using the other, depending entirely on whether the partners truly love each other or one is using the other. I have a story from one of you that just came in within the last week or two from a client-turned-friend that is an excellent example, and I’ll try to get it together for you ASAP. And as you will see, your status will be obvious if you merely open your eyes to what is happening around you, regardless of what is being said. “By your works shall you be known” is one of the greatest bits of wisdom to come from the Christian Bible, a tactic that has been working for two thousand years, right? Professing love and devotion is easy; faking it is not.

Next, take a look at language. Even the best liars screw up from time to time, usually when they are either too relaxed, too stressed or have had a drink or two too many and their guard is down. A partner who really loves you will tell you so for no apparent reason, and their body language and actions will confirm it. One who is indeed NEEDING AND USING you and not loving you will say that they love you in order to get you to tell them that you love them; the statement “I love you” is indeed the question, “Do you love me?” – a plea for confirmation that their ploy is still working. When it comes, it sounds forced, like the ritual “I love you” that ends all too many phone conversations with that hint of whining or desperation that makes what should be a profession into an interrogation.

You can also learn a lot from the nature of compliments and explanations that inappropriately follow or replace declarations of love. A woman who says, “I love you because you make me feel safe,” may be saying that she enjoys not having to worry that you’ll abuse her emotions, she can also be saying that she loves the feeling of being protected, not you; anybody with an alpha personality and a weapon (or a large bank account) could make her feel the same way. So can anyone who doesn’t place any demands on her for love and commitment.

Gentlemen, good women don’t need a caretaker any more than good men do. They’re “all grown up,” strong, independent, intelligent, and sexy, not a clingy, needy, neurotic ball of insecurity looking for someone to blame their entire miserable existence on or pay their way. Being able to take care of themselves, they want a real man who can take care of himself, to form a true synergistic partnership, in which the partners can achieve more together than the sum of what they could achieve separately.

Good women are looking for a man to SHARE their life with, not GIVE them a life or all the trappings of a life. And there are plenty of them around, but they may not be looking for a man because while they would immensely enjoy one, they don’t need one. So they may not be obvious to you when you first see them. You have to explore, and evaluate. Remember that for the rest of your life.

Such a woman, one who is looking for someone to share a life with instead of someone to take care of her, will enjoy watching you being strong and taking the lead, instead of depending on you to do it, and you’ll enjoy doing it with her, instead of resenting the whining and pressure. And she will hold your feet to the fire, constantly holding you to the standard “if you can’t stand up TO me, you can’t stand up FOR me, or WITH me.” Good women very seldom actually need you to stand up for them, but they need to know that you’re able to so that they can respect you, since respect is a prerequisite of both love and attraction.

If you feel like you’re being sucked dry by your partner, you’re in the wrong relationship, unless of course the only time you feel that way is in the bedroom while she’s…well, you know. And if she does happen to be really proficient at “well, you know,” don’t let that cloud your judgment and cause you to excuse or ignore things that you’ll look back on at retirement age and think, “What the hell was I thinking???”

Good sex, even great sex, can be a lot easier to find than a good mate, so don’t let the fear of scarcity of sex put you in a position of real scarcity of self-esteem, self-respect, home, retirement savings, a life, etc. Think with your head; that other thing that whispers in your ear from the vicinity of your trousers makes some REALLY bad decisions, and you know this. If you haven’t learned it yet and require proof, there’s plenty of it on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, where you’ll find accounts of men who married for good looks or good sex and found out too late just how much such a mistake costs a man.

I like what Ron White says about women. The following is paraphrased: “Marry an ugly woman with a brain and some character. You can take a little nip here, a little tuck there, and next thing you know, she’s pretty easy on the eyes. But you can’t fix stupid.” Nor can you fix conniving, entitlement-minded, and deceitful. Those are problems that go too deep to fix.

You can assess yourself, your partner, and your relationship, as well as have great contacts to help you get out of a bad relationship and find a great woman if you have to, with the information in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” Download your copy at http://www.makingherhappy.com right now, read it, and get things on the right track. If they’re already on the right track, use the rest of the book to stoke that attraction boiler and kick things up to the stratosphere where problems just don’t happen! The woman in your life can be a ball and chain or a ball of fire, and the choice is entirely yours. Choose well, and choose NOW!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Mistakes Create Distractions, and Distractions Create Mistakes, Especially in Relationships and Marriage

Sometimes what looks like the easiest thing to do for a relationship problem ends up creating more trouble than you can imagine. Let’s take a look at some options and what really makes sense…

I once got a note from my buddy Ken that I’m sure many of you will find amusing, especially if you noticed the same mistake he did:

Hi David

I found it interesting reading the header on this email. I have read in the past that one of your pet peeves are emails that you get with improper punctuation and sentence structure. It is a pet peeve of mine also. So when I read the header of this email I had to chuckle.

I’m in a mood to bust chops of anyone who deserves it today, so I figured I’d start with you. No hard feelings, it’s all in fun my friend.

By the way, my wife is moving back in at the end of September.

Cheers


(I did this several years ago. For those of you who weren’t around or didn’t notice, the title read “What Is Does Your Partner REALLY Keep You Around?” but was supposed to read “Why Does Your Partner Really Keep You Around?” Let’s look at what happened, because there’s a lesson in it…)

My reply:

Hi Ken!

What can I say? BUSTED!!! LOL! I started using one title (What Is Your Partner’s Real Motive for Keeping You Around) and decided to change it to “Why Does Your Partner REALLY Keep You Around,” and got interrupted by a phone call. Not an excuse by any means, but rather an example of what happens when you’re distracted. Can you imagine the mistakes that we make and never find out about while we’re having relationship troubles? Yikes! In fact, I think we just scored the topic for tomorrow’s newsletter! Thanks for the inspiration!

Congratulations on your progress! Keep me posted!
David

I didn’t mention to him that the verb “are” doesn’t agree with his subject, “one,” because I was distracted by the lesson I was formulating for you folks! Indeed, I just noticed it. Distractions, distractions. What’s a guy to do except have a good laugh. ;-)

So think with me here for a minute; have you thought about the distractions relationship problems can bring, and the problems those distractions create?

What happens when you have trouble? It can make you bored, depressed, nervous, fearful, frustrated, maybe feeling dejected, rejected, disconnected, etc. All of these feelings require huge amounts of mental and emotional energy, especially for a man, since we are wired for problem-solving, right?

What’s the most popular quick fix? An affair, right? But does it fix anything? Maybe it temporarily relieves some of the negative feelings you have about your wife, or yourself, but they simply get replaced with other distractions, don’t they?

During a new affair, you feel relieved, thrilled, excited, etc., which makes you daydream about meeting up with your lover, and juggling your schedule and telling all the lies to cover everything has you are pulled in too many directions at once, causing things to fall through the cracks. And it doesn’t end there, does it?

If the affair ages, you hit that 2-3 month mark where a woman starts wanting to know if the relationship is going somewhere, you know, wanting to have “the relationship talk,” and now the resentment starts setting in. You resent your partner for leaving you hanging, and resent your lover for the pressure to commit when you’re not ready for more complications, and all that resentment mixes with new fears that start to pop up, like will the lover get impatient and expose the affair, or blackmail you in revenge for not committing to her if you break it off? Right?

What is all this commotion and distraction costing you? How many blunders have you made while you weren’t at the top of your game because you were distracted by a fight you had before you left the house, wondering if it was going to continue when you got back home, or if there was even anybody there waiting to continue it? I’ve known a lot more guys than I care to count who have lost jobs, trashed careers, made trading errors that bankrupted them, and even a few who ended up being sued into bankruptcy or in jail over their choices while distracted by a fight or an affair. We’ve all seen a suicide or murder in the newspapers over this same thing as well, right?

So how well do you think those affairs really worked for them in the end?

Guys, I’m going to ask a huge favor of those of you who have had affairs. I want each of you to go to Hotmail, Yahoo, G-mail, or any other place you can think of and create an anonymous e-mail account with bogus information that can’t be traced to you, and send me anything you care to write about your affairs without so much as initials or a nickname so that we can save those who have never been through one the hassle and risk without reward. E-mail your response to support@makingherhappy.com and then delete the account and clear your browser history, Internet cache, etc., so nothing can be traced back to you.

Or you can also join our forum and send them to me in a private message if you don’t want to post it publicly. I want to show the men (and women) who haven’t yet made the mistake of an affair what can go wrong and what they can expect when they get into one. Your experience could save more than one person the pain of repeating your mistake, and they – and I -- will appreciate it.

So what SHOULD you do when things start downhill, or even reach the bottom of the hill?

The first thing to do is see if the relationship is fixable. There are problems like incompatible values and life goals that are not fixable, and others like poor communication and lost attraction that can be easily fixed. Believe it or not, the biggest bonehead that will ever be on this mailing list will be able to make this determination accurately within an hour or less, depending on how fast he reads and how long it takes him to think something over. It’s crystal clear when you know what to look for and want an honest answer enough to put your emotions aside and look at the truth for a minute, and we’ll get to that in a minute.

Based on that evaluation, you either get out of the relationship or fix it. Getting out can be achieved as friends just as easily as mortal combatants, and probably a LOT easier for most people, but less frequently because most people don’t stop to realize that those really big problems like compatibility issues are not value judgments, but just simple reality, the result of not asking the right questions when you first got together in most cases, and getting out to have a chance at a happy life is a favor to both of you, not an insult as it is usually taken, like tossing out yesterday’s trash. But you have to know how to talk about it, and we’ll get to that in a minute as well.

If you have the foundation for a good relationship in terms of compatibility, shared values, etc., and have just fallen in a rut or have never communicated well enough to know how to excite each other, have fun together, speak to and listen to each other in a way where there are seldom if ever any kind of understandings, YOU GRAB THE BULL BY THE HORNS AND FIX THE RELATIONSHIP! And guys, it’s not just easy to do once you know how things work, it’s also a lot of fun!

What? Have fun fixing marital problems? Yes, it is!

It’s great fun to learn be able to understand a woman. It’s incredible fun to see the things that you’ve seen a million times before and know what they really mean this time. It’s fun to know that you’re probably the only guy you know who knows everything you know! It’s fun to be able to flip her attraction triggers on and off like a light switch, dialing the attraction up, then easing back a bit to tease her and let her savor the anticipation before ramping it up higher.

And you know it has to be fun to watch her getting more and more excited and anxious until she can’t wait any longer and pounces on YOU! I can tell you from personal experience and that of many of my readers that there is a lot of fun to be had in life, and that certainly ranks in the top few! It’s also fun to read what the women on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, write that confirms all this great stuff I keep telling you, since they usually let their own reactions slip into the stream and you get to see just how big a deal some of these seemingly little things are!

So yes, there is a clear path to follow: Evaluate, and then either acknowledge your mistakes and move beyond them to try again in a different relationship or acknowledge your mistakes and remedy them within your existing relationship. In the end, it’s really that simple over 99% of the time.

Results require action, action requires a plan, and a good plan that brings successful action requires solid information. If you’re ready to be a man and get things in your life back on track, go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and get started. Life is short, and it’s getting shorter by the second, so make what you have left of it count.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sex for Pity's Sake, a Great Way to Quickly Destroy a Relationship and Marriage

Do women find tactics like guilt and pity attractive? Or even compelling? Tune in, and see just how needy, pathetic, and downright disgusting this comes across…

Prepare yourself for one of the most disgusting tales of male wussitude I’ve ever heard. Friends, meet Darlene:

Dear David,

I thought I had experienced every form of male wussiness there is until last night, when my husband reached a new, utterly disgusting low. I’ve been trying to get him to read your book for over a month now, and he gets mad and refuses every time I bring it up, but he has no clue!

My mother-in-law has been in the hospital in critical condition for a few days, and he’s been either stumbling around the house like a zombie or yelling and screaming and throwing things at me and the kids ever since she went in. Last night, after several days of walking on eggshells and wondering if in the next moment he was going to kill himself or me and the kids, he crawls into bed with me (we haven’t shared a bed in over a year), grabs me, and informs me that any good wife would show him sympathy and caring by having sex with him. I nearly puked.

There is nothing in this world that a man can do that is any more disgusting in a woman’s eyes, especially mine, than to beg for sex, and to do so by trying to invoke pity and guilt for what’s going on in his life, especially something like his mother being in the hospital (how many sexy thoughts can that possibly cause???), is literally sickening. I jumped out of bed, and told him that if he were a real man, he wouldn’t be trying to make me feel sorry for him, he’d be making me so excited that I had to have him.

Men, wake up. We will seduce you to make you feel better if we see you feeling bad and are already feeling attraction, and we may even do so in the rare instance that we find ourselves feeling sorry for you, such as if we find out you’re a virgin at thirty years old, but there is nothing that you can deliberately do to make us feel sorry for you or guilty about not wanting you that will excite us and make us feel the attraction that makes us want sex with you. It’s just that simple. Be a man, or be somewhere else.

David, I loved your book, and if I don’t get this man to read it soon, I’m outta here. Cross your fingers.

Darlene

Well guys, what can I say? Darlene has pretty well nailed the whole issue down in a few short paragraphs. Women don’t find any kind of coercion, be it bullying on the strong side or guilt-tripping and pity-mongering on the wussy side, attractive; in fact, they find it literally repulsive. All of the above are strong signs of weakness (yes, bullying, while dominant and abusive, is a sign of weakness, not strength), and chicks don’t dig that – really!

(Indeed, in the months since this letter was written, Darlene has in fact left this pathetic loser and moved on to a really great guy. DO NOT EVER THINK that a woman won’t or can’t leave a bad relationship. Even if they seem to think they can’t, or if you threaten their life, there comes a point where they feel that either they have to leave or somebody has to die, and they will act on those feelings, so take this seriously!)

As the old saying goes, “Chicks dig real men,” men who know what they want, and walk through the world earning it, knowing that they deserve it, and holding their head high as they do so, eyes fixed on either their next achievement or their partner’s sexy self. Good things come their way because they’re worthy of good things, not because they can coerce or con people into providing them.

Gentlemen, we’ve been trying for centuries to figure out what makes women tick, and except for a few of us, we’ve failed miserably. That’s it, that’s reality, accept it, and get over it. Fortunately, they’ve now begun telling us not only what makes them tick, but what they want, from life, and from us, and much of it is in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” No book will ever contain everything there is to know about each woman alive, but this one does contain everything that a large group of them has said that we need to know about them, and it’s in “guy language,” not “girly-speak,” so you can understand it.

No signals, no hints, just facts, laid out for any man to own and use to become the real man that he was born to be and his partner has dreamed of all her life, discovered by interviewing a hundreds of women and couples and tested by turning them loose with the results. And we’re still discussing, discovering, testing and confirming new information, situations, ideas, problems, and a lot more on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, and you’re welcome to join us at any time.

Download your copy at http://www.makingherhappy.com today, unless of course you like living that “frustrated celibate dude living with the grouchy frumpy wife” thing. It’s your choice; choose well, and choose now!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Are You Happy, or Comfortably Unhappy In Your Relationship or Marriage? Your Life Could Depend on Knowing the Difference

Settling for less and tolerating adversity because it’s easier than fixing it leads to the pathetic condition of being “comfortably unhappy.” It kills self-esteem, motivation, and hence, attraction. That in turn kills relationships and marriages. Don’t let this happen to you! Would you recognize it if you saw it? Let’s find out!

Today’s edition is something I touch on from time to time because it goes almost entirely unnoticed but wastes more lives than the words, “Let’s wait and see,” the deplorable condition of being “comfortably unhappy.” Yes, it sounds like an oxymoron, but as you may have seen around you, even in yourself, it is entirely too easy to get comfortable with being unhappy.

People generally dislike major changes in their life, often even positive ones (that’s a topic for another newsletter, but before you think I’ve lost my mind, stop and consider all the people you’ve ever known who responded to things going well for them by finding some way of sabotaging themselves, such as showing up late for work when they’re in line for a promotion, etc.), and will often choose tolerating things that make them unhappy rather than endure the stress of change, especially if it requires a little effort on their part, even though it’s for the better.

Once this choice is made, its effects are insidious, far-reaching, and destructive. It sets a precedent of settling for less than one deserves, which is to live as happy a life as they can earn through good choices and effort. Then it becomes easier and easier to choose to tolerate more and more, because the choices are now becoming more radically different, between a little more nuisance, aggravation, or pain and a radical improvement if they get tired of settling and decide to make a major effort and fix what’s wrong in their life.

They get comfortable with feeling worse and worse, until being depressed, frustrated, and just plain pissed off all the time is not only the status quo, it’s the EXPECTED NORM. Feeling good is at this point abnormal, and therefore, as strange as it seems, subconsciously UNDESIRABLE! (What’s REALLY undesirable for most people is putting out the effort to change, but for the comfortably unhappy, they may not even be able to tell the difference.)

It can creep up on you over weeks, months, or even years, and will start with a single choice to settle for less: a home or neighborhood that you settle for because that’s all that’s available at the moment, a job you don’t like but is easier to keep than finding a better one, a relationship that drags you down but is easier than breaking up, dividing up the stuff in the house, and looking for better company to keep, etc. Keep your eyes, ears, and mind open, and periodically evaluate what you’re doing and those with whom you’re doing it.

When things could be better, do yourself a favor and MAKE THEM BETTER! Upgrade the job with either a promotion, transfer, or a change of employer. Upgrade the relationship by either improving it or getting out of it, thereby freeing yourself of the restraints and conflict that make you unhappy and creating the freedom of navigation required to find and engage that which makes you happy.

And most important of all, in any situation or relationship, if improvement is impossible because the other party (or parties) won’t be involved in positive change that you’re willing to work for, cut bait and find a better pond to fish in, because you’re fishing in poisoned waters, and it will be the death of you.

Great relationships are uncommon, as are great marriages, but they are far from impossible, or even difficult to find and manage if you know yourself, know your desires, and have the guts to hold out for what you want instead of settling for something you hope you might mold into what you can tolerate. That kind of behavior is precisely the reason why great relationships and marriages are so uncommon. People get insecure and attach themselves to the first person who gives them a smile, approval, acceptance, or most commonly, sex, without checking to see if the rest of the package is something they can live with, let alone enjoy. That’s a recipe for disaster.

You MUST have compatibility and attraction for the relationship to last. If you have the compatibility, the attraction can be created or recreated, but if you don’t have the compatibility, your only choice is to get out and find it. Otherwise, you will consign yourself to a competitive relationship with an adversary instead of a cooperative relationship with someone you truly love and who truly loves you, and the best case scenario there is comfortably unhappy, while the worst one is catastrophic destruction of life as you know it, and in some cases, quite literally your life; substance abuse, suicide, and murder are what some people opt for or have inflicted upon them instead of divorce. Know what you have, what you need, and how to tell if they are the same or different.

If you want a great system for evaluating your relationship, and solid, tested advice for improving it (through better communication and creating attraction, getting her tuned in and turned on to all that is great about YOU) if you find it desirable, as well as solid advice and great contacts for getting the mess cleaned up and getting back into the dating game if this relationship is too far gone to save or never should have started in the first place, it’s in my e-book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” at http://www.makingherhappy.com/. Download your copy today, because life is too short to spend it unhappy, even comfortably unhappy.

And while you’re at it, swing by our forum at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/. We’re all talking about the very kind of thing you read in this article. And aside from being informative, it’s becoming quite entertaining. Get a load of what a couple of the women said about attraction and men’s perception of women:

sg722: Hey David,
Can we clone you and give one to every woman? I think if half of the men out there had your insight, the world would be a much better place.

Steph:
Dear sg722,
Isn't that the truth!!! But, I have to say, when my husband acts in the David manner, woooooo weeeee... Good times...


These posts can be seen right now at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/102-The-Ladies-Room if you still have doubts. So you see, I’m not pulling your leg about my book or the fun and helpfulness of our forum and its community. Avail yourself of both immediately, lest you end up being another “comfortably unhappy” statistic.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham


Monday, September 19, 2011

A Word (or Two) From a Woman to Men About Great Relationships and Marriage

Here’s some feedback from one of my most highly valued female readers, one who lives, learns and tells it like it is in a brutally direct manner that few women are capable of. She has some lessons of her own to teach, for those who will listen; lend her an ear, and see what I mean…

Well guys and gals, I’m up to my ears in business evolution projects, and today I’m going to let someone else do most of the talking, which is cool in this case, because she says a lot with few words.

Deb lives on literally on the other side of the world from me, in Australia, yet she sees the same problems, same solutions, same opportunities and same stupidity every day. Listen to what she says as I share a couple of her brief e-mails with you:

Hi David.....

Wow yes long time no talk...

I have been too busy with my coursework to do too much chatting. I have been reading most of your newsletters and have made it through your book ... just.

Interesting and pertinent as usual...your comments...especially having a girlfriend who is swinging in her relationship at the moment...but she said to me the other day…Deb I'm bored...and I just laughed to myself and said, “Watch this space!!!”

I read your book and see so many things ringing true. From the creating attraction and being the strong MAN, to learning to communicate and to being playful and taking time to learn about your partner and what makes them tick and what they like.

A comment [from a newsletter] really jumped out at me regarding a man "knowing" his woman. I thought if more men took the time ...and it doesn't take a lot... to really have a wee think about what their partner likes and actually put into practice some of those things...it would make a huge difference.!!

Women are soooo much better at seeing something that their partner likes and doing it for them, doing it with them, or surprising them with it.

I went out with a man who even though I told him what I liked physically when getting intimate...still loved me the way he wanted...I just shut up in the end...and ended it for many other reasons as well but....HELLO?? ...it could have been great...but it wasn't.

My ex-husband knew what my ultimate date was....and no it wasn't expensive...a moonlit picnic on the beach ...and we lived right close to one....and I waited our whole marriage...but he CHOSE to ignore that and never did it. A simple thing can mean a lot to a person...and when someone takes the time to do those little things which mean a lot...a LOT of love and attraction is created.

THOUGHTFUL is still number 1 on my list of what to look for in a man....if they are thoughtful they can see beyond themselves and what they need and want and hopefully will put that into action.

Anyway keep up the good work...
It is finally starting to warm up a bit over here and it feels like spring.
Now off to class
cu
DEB


My response:

Hi Deb!

It is so good to hear from you! You sound as if you’re really getting things together, resolving the past, and gathering lessons to take forward with you. I’d even bet that you have established a new rule that any man who wants to be a serious candidate for your life partner is going to have to take you on a moonlight picnic on the beach within a short while of learning that little tidbit or he’ll be ruthlessly kicked to the curb for being a bonehead.

If you haven’t established that rule I STRONGLY suggest you do so, because a man who can’t be told what a woman’s ultimate date is and not take her on it is at best grossly mismatched with her (doesn’t like picnics, the beach, moonlight, romantic seclusion, etc.), and at worst an insensitive bastard who is looking to dominate and/or drain a life instead of share one. I’m pretty sure you could call that “the acid test” for your number one requirement of “thoughtful,” don’t you think? ;-)

I would LOVE to post this letter for the other readers, sterilized of any personally identifiable information, of course. I can preach to these guys day in and day out with the very words given to me by the group of women who taught me everything I’ve learned, but only letters from women always seem to wake up the ones who refuse to realize that getting along with a woman really is that simple and that easy, and your letter is a perfect testament to that fact.

Things must be warming up there and on the verge of springtime; spring in a place so unspoiled as where you live must be breathtaking. I hope this one brings you not just a change of temperature, but a complete rebirth into a new life of independence and happiness. By the way, have you noticed that independence isn’t the state of being alone, but the state of being “prepared to” and “comfortable with” being alone? So many people miss that lesson throughout their life, but I doubt it will be lost on you… ;-)

David


Her response, which not surprisingly, contains yet more valuable insight for those with eyes to see it:

Hi David

Hey feel free to post the letter...if others can learn from my mistakes or life’s lessons so be it...I wish I had read material like yours YEARS AGO!! and definitely recommend that people pre-empt lots of pain and heartache and read your material BEFORE they need it and work on creating a WOW relationship which others wish they had.

I still read your newsletters because I learn from them. You have that no-nonsense, sensible advice, and know when someone just needs a good wake up call!!

I know I am so much wiser now and know what I am looking for in my next relationship...and more importantly what I will not put up with...(Yes the date test will be a good test)..but I have also learned how to communicate when I am upset so as to solve issues and not drive a man away from sorting something out...

So here's to happiness while single and great friends and here's to the next relationship whenever that may be. But as you say definitely enjoy the ride...celebrate who you are, develop your passions and look for someone who won’t stomp on them when you get involved with them. Thanks for your encouragement.

Talk to you soon
cu
DEB


Okay, Gents, what did you learn here?

How about that if you don’t have compatibility, you don’t have a relationship that will last? Relationships between incompatible people are competitive instead of cooperative, and it creates an adversarial relationship. Did you ever really try to trust or love an adversary? “Love thine enemy as thyself” is an unmitigated crock of crap, no matter who said it. That’s why nobody can do it. You cannot value that which is in conflict your life and detracts from it. The drive to survive will win, just as it does in every other species of life on Earth.

How about that women are so aggressive in trying to find and manage a good relationship that they will buy a book written for men to learn about what kind of man to look for? Relationships are serious business to women, since part of how they evaluate their life is through their relationships and how they manage them, and if you don’t take yours seriously, you WILL be replaced by someone who does, and punished for it in the process.

How about that no matter how good or how bad things are, they can be better if you’ll just work on them? Or more importantly, that if you work on them before they get bad, you won’t have to work as much or as hard and things won’t ever get bad? “WOW relationship,” anybody?

How about that yet another woman is offering unsolicited testimony to confirm what all the men and women involved in the development of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" proved to be as certain as the passage of time? Women want a real man with whom they can communicate and have fun, which is a tall order when you don’t have a clue what to do, but as natural as procreation when you learn the few secrets about getting along with women that shouldn’t be secrets!

Or how about the one that continues to knock my socks off after nearly five decades of watching women wallow in drama and refuse to deal with problems: that women can talk about and resolve problems with you, and WANT TO DO SO ONCE THEY AND YOU LEARN HOW! Can you imagine a life with minimal or even NO DRAMA? Yes sir! It can be done! I can even point you to women with whom you can do it, or if you’re married, who can at least prove to you it can be done, on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com.

There’s more, but it’s fairly obvious, so I’m going to let you dig it out so that this dispatch doesn’t get any longer. If you’re ready to step up and take Deb’s advice and start making things better now instead of waiting for them to get worse, download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" at http://www.makingherhappy.com and get started. Every day you wait is another several days you’ll have to make up for later, and one that could have been spent a lot better.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham