Saturday, September 03, 2011

Desperation: the Great Destroyer of Lives, Relationships and Marriage

What’s the old saying? “Desperate times call for desperate measures…”? Well, maybe, but the last thing they call for are desperate people making a bigger mess of things through desperate, irrational acts. How do you handle trouble in your relationship? Do you act desperate and go out of your way to try to please your partner? Not if you want them back!

I got the strangest call from a friend in Phoenix, and I have to share some of the details with you. My friend Jake, a man’s man if ever there was one, called and said he and his wife of 22 years were suddenly having a lot of trouble, and he was scared to death he was going to lose her. I was instantly in shock when I heard this, because I’ve known him since we were at the Air Force Academy together in the early 1980’s, and “fear” is one word I could never put in the same sentence with his name, unless it was to say he had none for anything or anyone.

As an example, Jake and his wife met sky-diving. Her chute failed to open, he saw it, chased her and caught her in the air before opening his own, and they had never met before that, other than sharing the ride up to jump altitude. He sort of reminds me of the character “Swoop” in the Wesley Snipes movie “Drop Zone,” just a fearless maniac, and his wife is just like him.

Getting back to the call, Jake’s business had started to slow down, and he had some severe personal catastrophes (simultaneous deaths of both parents and a brother in a car accident, robbery at this house, and his wife nearly car-jacked – didn’t happen because she was armed!) within a very short period of time, and the pressure got to him and understandably “rattled” him a bit. He started sticking a little closer to his wife, and she subconsciously started picking up on wuss signals and losing interest in him after 22 years, which REALLY rattled him, and in a weakened state he wussed completely out and said to her, for the first time in 22 years, “I need you,” instead of “I love you.” You can guess what happened next…

She went ballistic! Now remember, these are two of the most fiercely independent and fearless people I’ve ever met, and I’ve been among the cream of the world’s crop. This started a cycle, the same cycle that always sets in when a “scarcity mentality” (as John Alanis puts it) sets in, a cycle of one partner getting insecure and needier and the other partner rejecting them more because of it, which in turn feeds the insecurity and intensifies the neediness, which amplifies the rejection, etc. Jake became desperate and did what desperate men do in a relationship – he wussed out and made it worse!

Desperation is a state of fear, the strongest of emotions, that borders on terror; you’re still able to act where terror would immobilize you entirely, but you’re completely unable to think and proceeding entirely on emotion. Here’s a big, BIG tip: Real-world problems require real-world solutions. Desperate problems and desperate people still require real-world solutions. When you ignore reality, things don’t get better, they get worse!

Jake knew from 22 years of living with his wife how she would react to him being a wuss, and he did it anyway! He lost sight of reality! Needless to say, when I pointed this out to him, he did the typical alpha male thing and spent a minute kicking his own ass, then said, “I gotta do some serious damage control, and yeah, I know what to do. I’ll call ya in a day or two when the smoke clears,” and hung up. I can hear the conversation that followed with his wife, as he related it later:

“Yeah, dammit, I freaking wussed out because everything came at once and the stress just got to me. I haven’t forgotten who I am and I certainly haven’t forgotten who you are, either. I’m going to apologize for the wuss act, for no other reason than because after 22 years of being married to you, I know that wussing out on you was just plain freaking insulting, and you didn’t deserve it. I talked to Dave (I hate it when he calls me that and I swear I think he does it just to yank my chain!) and he told me I’ve had my head up my ass and he’s right, so it’s over and not going to happen again. Now get over here and gimme me some lovin’, you saucy-looking wench, so I can get back to work.”

Obviously, not everyone would or should handle that situation with exactly that language, but that’s Jake and the way he handles things is blunt and head-on, a text-book example of a rough-and-tumble Alpha Male (not all alpha males are rough-and-tumble; indeed, some are quite polished – think James Bond 007), and his wife is the same way, at least to the extent that women can be, and more to the point, that’s how she expects him to be because it’s a lot of the reason she married him.

She’ll know the crisis is past because he’s acting like himself and not seeking her approval anymore, which is what she’s looking for to know that things are back to normal. For them, it took a few seconds to patch things up, as I’m sure he’ll tell me about in a few days when he gets a new handle on business, takes some time to grieve for his lost parents, etc., but for an average couple, it would probably take a few days to a couple of weeks to turn things back around because entering into wuss mode is a pretty serious offense, as is the failure to recognize reality and think before you act.

Speaking of which, I’m going to mention as another example of what desperation can do to you something that happened to one of you. I’m not going to reprint his e-mails because I haven’t obtained his permission to use them, but this is too compelling an example to not use here. He wrote saying his wife had filed for divorce after they had a wonderful dating period and marriage which suddenly went south when their first child was born because they started behaving differently. He still had the presence of mind to recognize from these newsletters that he had slipped into wuss mode, but failed to notice the significance of several of the details he mentioned in the newsletters.

First, she had filed for divorce, but was telling him that she still cared about him and they still got along well, and had even been out to dinner together alone (without their child). Say it with me, Ladies, loud and clear so the men will hear you: “She testing him and/or trying to provoke him to kick him out of wuss mode!” Also, she said she had just lost her “deep feelings” for him. Ladies??? Yep, ATTRACTION was gone because he was in wuss mode. And the kicker: he said he couldn’t afford a copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage”! I’ve spent a lot more than the cost of my book on LUNCH! Could he then afford the legal fees, alimony, child support, and property settlement coming down the pike from the impending divorce??? His dinner dates each cost more than the book, and could make every dinner he had with her for the rest of his life something exciting!

I took the better part of a couple of hours to analyze everything he had said and sent him back a list of significant details and indications that had missed, including the above points, and a short time later I saw an e-mail notification from my merchant account company where he had purchased my book and a “thank you” letter from him for helping him get his feet back on the ground. A few hours after that came another e-mail saying he was half-way through the book, was already recognizing some of the signals in their conversations and a lot of his previous wuss behavior, and extremely excited. Seeing a plan start forming and realizing that there is action you can take to make a difference can eliminate feelings of desperation in the blink of an eye, but none of that can happen if you ignore reality and the lessons it holds for you while in a state of fearful desperation.

Don’t let what happened to these couples happen in your home. Desperate times don’t call for desperate measures, but rather for immediate, well-considered, and spectacular responses. Learn how to communicate with your partner on a level that neither of you dared dream of, and learn what it takes to continuously and automatically keep her excited, interested, and attracted to you, and she will return your effort many-fold. For us men, it takes some effort, but for the ladies in our lives, it’s automatic – they are biologically wired to take care of us as long as we take care of them.

They still must expend effort and energy to do so, but they don’t have to make a conscious effort to figure out how like we do, and enjoy doing it when given the opportunity. That’s why I chose the name for my web site, makingherhappy.com, because the key to a happy and harmonious relationship really is in making HER happy by keeping that attraction alive and well, being the alpha male that your “Y” chromosome gives you the infrastructure to be, having fun with her being the naughty boy, tripping her triggers so that all those wonderful and entirely automatic responses we love (nurturing, playfulness, adventurousness, seduction, etc.) happen.

The really cool part is that all those things that you are supposed to do are as automatic for you as hers are to her, and you just have to strip away decades of disinformation and programming. That’s why it works; there is nothing unnatural, nothing made up or put on, nothing that could even be called “faking it until you make it” about it. And don’t take my word for it, either. Come to our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, and ask the members there, about one-third of whom are women.

When you think about it, love, attraction, and an appropriate level of respect, commitment, and responsibility are really all women ask of us in return for all the wonderful nurturing, partnership and intimacy they are prepared to give us, and in that light it doesn’t seem like a lot to ask, does it? Don’t ignore reality. You probably already have everything it takes to knock her socks off except the know-how (you knew how at one time or it happened naturally, else you probably wouldn’t be in a long-term relationship or marriage right now, would you?), and the know-how is in my book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy right now and make things right, before you find yourself in that desperate downward spiral.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, September 02, 2011

Banter, a Girl's Best Friend and a Key to a Great Relationship or Marriage

MUST READ: A key ingredient in any fun, sexy relationship is the fun, flirtatious, innuendo-filled, anticipation-building ritual of “banter.” Women refer to it by name, while most guys have no clue. If you want to kick things up a notch, read and learn…

I had a revelation this morning, or an epiphany if you prefer. I was milling some new cabinet doors and drawers for my kitchen, which makes my wife nuts because my power tools both excite and scare the hell out of her, not to mention the anticipation of seeing the kitchen redecoration complete, and started going over the week’s conversations and events looking for another good lesson to give you guys. And sure enough, I found one.

I received eight e-mails this week from women mentioning the word “banter.” Do you know what it is? You can bet the women in your life do, and they’re looking to you for it, especially the one you’re living with, so you’d better learn quickly.

American Heritage Dictionary defines “banter” as n. 1. Good-humored, playful conversation. v. ban•tered ban•ter•ing ban•ters v. tr. 1. To speak to in a playful or teasing way. v. intr. 1. To exchange mildly teasing remarks.

What is all that? Yup! Naughty, teasing, playful building of anticipation, a.k.a., “verbal foreplay!”

One of the better kept secrets about women that shouldn’t be a secret at all is that where we are easily stimulated visually, they are easily stimulated through engaging their imagination and letting it run wild, which can be started by anything verbal, whether it is spoken, sung, or in print. That’s why I keep telling you guys that foreplay starts in the morning before you leave for work, a naughty word here and a naughty gesture there will have her thinking naughty, sexy thoughts about you all day, in anticipation of her reward later in the evening for being so patient.

For women, it is the anticipation that is the thrill of the chase, and they enjoy the chase far more than the “kill.” This seems to be a very difficult concept for men to embrace, but where for us orgasm is the highlight and purpose of sex, for women, it is simply the end of sex, no matter whose orgasm you speak of, ultimately, even for a woman who has multiples, because one of them is going to end it. That’s why every sex therapist, marriage counselor and relationship expert that has ever spoken or written about sexual relations has stressed the importance of foreplay, and that advice being ignored by the vast majority of men is the reason so many women are sexually frustrated and ripe for an affair.

Stoking her up once this anticipation is started is most easily accomplished with banter. Let me give you an example. When I’ve visited Texas, I’ve frequently ran across this really interesting concoction the Texans call “JalapeƱo ketchup” or in some places, “Texas ketchup.” (In other parts of the country and world, it’s spelled “catsup,” but it’s the same thing.) This stuff isn’t just plain bottled catsup with some pepper juice added for heat. It has some extra onion, some cumin, and bits of jalapeno swimming in it and tastes like a good, spicy taco sauce or salsa picante, and sometimes it’s pretty hot, too.

Now, imagine you’ve been to Texas and you’re coming home, and you’re passing text messages or one-liner e-mails back and forth with your wife.

You: I’m on the way home!
Her: Can’t wait to see you!
You: I’m bringing you a surprise…
Her: Am I going to like it?
You: I’ll bet it makes your cheeks get flushed
Her: How cum?
You: It’s pretty hot…
Her: Yeah?
You: Might make you wet, too…
Her: I’ll bet I know what it is ;-)
You: I’ll betcha don’t!
Her: I’ve had it before!
You: Nope, not like this!

Do you see what’s going on here? You’re talking about the pepper in spicy catsup making her cheeks get flushed and making her break out in a sweat, she’s thinking you’re talking about body parts and getting her to lubricate, or at least wondering if that’s going to be involved, then you set the hook by making her guess what it is and claiming that what you’re talking about is not sexual and that she’s never had it. All the innuendo has her mind on sex, and she’s going to be thinking all those thoughts as she tries to figure out what you’re talking about, which just adds to the tension.

Now, remember the “two-steps-forward-one-step-back” dance I’ve mentioned in the past, ramping up and then easing back a bit before taking her even higher? You break contact for awhile, whether you’re traveling, working at the office or whatever, and give her a couple of hours to stew in her own juices, then another message goes out:

You: Figured it out yet?
Her: Of course!
You: Nope. I’ll guarantee you’ve never had it like this or even thought about it.
Her: You sound mighty sure of yourself!
You: That’s because I am!
Her: So you’re really gonna give me something like I’ve never had it before, huh?
You: Yep, and it’s guaranteed to make you wet even if I’m in another room…
Her: You are so bad!
You: Maybe, but you’re the one that’s going to get the spanking… ;-)

You’re still talking about catsup, she’s still on the sex channel…

Now, banter doesn’t have to contain all that innuendo. It can be just for the fun of it, picking at each other in a very good-natured way.

You: Watcha doing?
Her: Laundry
You: You got a license?
Her: What license?
You: One that shows you can run all that heavy equipment.
Her: What heavy equipment?
You: Whatever you’re using to wash my underwear. It must be pretty heavy to handle it!

Her: Did you mow the lawn yet?
You: Nope
Her: Are you going to?
You: Nope
Her: Why not?
You: It needs seeded next month, so if I don’t mow it until then, it will seed itself right on time!

Her: Can you hand me my black sandals with the straps? (She has very tiny feet.)
You: No, I’m sorry
Her: What’s wrong
You: I’m not breaking my back lifting those things!

A note on playing with a woman: NEVER say something like this last example if she has big feet and is sensitive about them. Only talk about her feet being big and ugly if they are small and pretty. The idea is to make fun of an exaggeration or absurdity, not to make fun of her. If she’s gorgeous and confident about it, hand her a bag to put over her head (but don’t put it over her head when she’s spent two hours getting ready to go out and her hair is perfect!) and crack wise about the wart beside her nose, her broom, etc. If she’s thin and fit and confident in her looks, tell her she needs to go on a diet and work out before her gravitational pull gets any stronger, again if she knows she’s hot, not if she’s insecure or anorexic, no matter how good she might look. You’re looking for comedy, not control via brow-beating, and making such a remark when she’s insecure is a direct attack on her self-esteem.

Get it yet? Something that is obviously satire, exaggerated to the point of total ridiculousness, not something that she is sensitive about, and always delivered with that naughty grin, or at least followed pretty quickly with the naughty grin before she has a chance to realize that what you just said could be taken more than one way and she does what women naturally do, which is to take anything ambiguous that you say in the worst possible way instead of the best.

If she has spent a couple of hours getting ready to go out with you, when she says, “How do I look?” you can crack a naughty grin and say something like, “I guess you’ll do…” or if you’re really brave and there are no security or fidelity issues, “almost as good as my girlfriend,” and give her a few seconds to respond before slipping an arm around her waist and pulling her up close and saying, “yes, you look great, and you will most certainly do,” or “Nah, my girlfriend never looks THIS good.”

You MUST MUST MUST understand that playing with a woman isn’t like playing with a man in some respects. We tend to pick at each other and make remarks about each other’s beer bellies, big ears, receding hair line and getting gray as a sort of bonding ritual in which we help each other stay thick-skinned and able to laugh at ourselves, but women don’t do this, and they don’t take it well when we do it to them. Indeed, you’re quite likely to be on her bad side for quite a while if she’s feeling insecure about her hair turning gray and you make a remark about it.

I’m not saying that women are so fragile that they need to be coddled, but they do tend to take things like that a lot harder than we do because they’ve spent generations being purposely made to feel insecure by oppressive men, the health and beauty industry, the fashion industry, their own competitiveness, etc., so know your partner’s hot buttons before you start getting into this kind of play and don’t press them. The whole idea is to have fun together, not for you to have fun at her expense. Making her laugh keeps her from being bored, and anything that keeps her from being bored makes her happy, and anything that makes her happy makes your world a much better place to live in because it engages her nurturing drive.

Yes, parts of this are a little complicated. They require knowing your partner, knowing her hot buttons, knowing what she’s confident about and what she’s insecure about, knowing what makes her laugh and what ticks her off. Some of that comes from careful observation, some from conversation. Both require knowing how to read a woman, and listen to her, and what makes her tick, all of which are required to lead her in a way she finds fun and exciting instead of scary and controlling, or worse yet, BORING.

You need an edge, a thorough course in understanding all these things. Something that not only answers all these questions and needs, but trains you to be that guy that every woman wants and yours is proud to call her own, the guy who keeps her on her toes and on fire with anticipation and enjoys doing so because all the has to do is be himself. Does such a course exist?

Of course it does! Why else would I tell you that you need it??? ;-)

It’s called "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and you should go right now to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy so you can get started. You think not? How long has it been since your wife gave you a dirty look for no apparent reason, or you heard the words, “You never listen to me?” I rest my case. And if you’re a little unsure of how to get this play and banter thing going, about a third of the members at our forum, http://forum.makingherhapy.com, are women, and many of them have said they’d be glad to help you figure it out, because they like to banter, too!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, September 01, 2011

Some Thank You Notes with Great Lessons on Relationships and Marriage

Talk about extreme! There are even some great lessons to be learned in some of the “thank you” notes I got from some of the "King Arthur and the Witch" contest winners! Check them out:

In case you’re curious, here are some interesting excerpts from “Thank you” notes from the winners of the King Arthur and the Witch contest, in which you’ll notice a common thread:

Hi David,

Thought I'd write and say thanks for my prize. I've started reading your book and it's exactly what I felt was the missing piece in my 'studies' - And It turns out you used about 90% of the same experts as I have been for the last few months.

Much appreciated,

Karl.

Incidentally, after my comment about Karl’s period after his signature being a mark of a confident man, a reader asked me if not putting a period after my name meant that I was not confident. No, it doesn’t. It just means that I adhere rigidly to the rules for formatting correspondence, as everyone should. ;-)

Hi David!

Thanks for the gifts and I am reading "THE Men’s Guide..." now. Boy I should have gotten this some time ago! I have some of David D.'s stuff, John's stuff, Shelley's stuff and get Mary Jo's newsletter. I also have F.J. Shark's Jerk book and have looked at other folks' goodies as well. You could say I'm a lot like you in the sense I have this intense drive to go after things I'm interested in if they catch my attention and fascination.

I have been in 2 marriages of about 8 years each and decided I've got to find out what is really going on before I ever do this again. The pain is just too much. Now I'm learning, observing and watching and yes practicing different things. Yes I have "seen the light" in the sense I was way too much the wussy man trying to please and take care of my little princess.

I guess the big light came on when I finally started understanding, like the story, women want a man who can be the man and be a partner at the same time. Thanks Again BIG TIME!!

Time to get back to reading so I can flush out some more garbage and replace it with pearls.

Take very good care and keep up the truly special "work" you do.

Thanks David,

Dave

Did you notice the recurring theme? They’ve been reading advice from the dating gurus and others, but it didn’t come together until they read "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" because the rules are different in committed relationships than when you’re dating, especially after you get married. The basic principles are the same, but the definitions and applications change, radically in some regards.

If you’re in a committed relationship, stick with me. If you’ve been in a committed relationship and trying to figure out why she ended it so you don’t repeat the mistakes, stick with me. If you’ve never been in a committed relationship that worked and you’re dating now, use the dating gurus advice to meet people, and use the evaluation section of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" to help you choose from among the many candidates you’ll be dating. After all, dating is a time of finding and exploring options, not homing in on one option and trying to convince them and yourself that they are “the one.” Then continue to read the rest of my book and stick with me at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, to make sure that each step you take along that road toward a lifetime relationship and commitment is the right one.

Forewarned is forearmed, and as you have seen if you’re past puberty, there are countless pitfalls in a relationship, but you can be ready for every one of them. Whether you are in a committed relationship or wanting to be, you need to know what’s in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and you should go to http://www.makingherhappy.com right now and download it. The Boy Scouts have it right: BE PREPARED!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

“Can't You Just Let Me Feel Bad for a While?" -- Understanding Female Emotions in Relationships and Marriage

Sometimes women say they want to feel bad, and it drives us absolutely nuts, because we don’t. What’s happening, and what can you do about it?

As you might guess, the women in my life (wife, mother, sister, friends, readers, etc.) are usually a great source for material for these newsletters, as are their husbands and boyfriends and my male friends on occasion. One such occasion was one day while my wife was having her lunch and was watching television.

My wife, and a lot of other women, because they are inherently attracted to anything where they can see authority figures, will watch just about anything that has a cop, a lawyer or judge, a pilot, or a doctor in it. (They also like mysteries because they enjoy the anticipation and suspense, so take the hint!)

I walked into our living room to join my wife for lunch (lunch at the coffee table while watching a home improvement show was a favorite pastime at that time) as the end of an old episode of “Judging Amy” was on television, and saw a woman jump off the ledge of a tall building after letting her daughter loose to run to the judge. My wife says that Judge Amy had refused to alter a custody agreement due to lack of evidence, and said that the woman had contrived the “drama of the issue” as part of an ongoing fight. Witnesses has described her as “paranoid,” and “dramatic” during the proceeding.

The scene then changes to Judge Amy sitting in front of a fire in the dark drinking something that looked like Scotch on the rocks and her mother, the social worker, walks in looking concerned and sits down, and starts telling Amy how the woman was unstable, Amy had made the right judicial decision, sounding very much like a man would sound under the circumstances. (There’s nothing masculine about Tyne Daly, even in her “golden years,” but there are times when her character is quite direct and masculine, but in a matronly kind of way.)

Amy interrupts her by saying, “Mom, I feel bad because something bad happened today. Can’t you just let me feel bad for a while?”

Yes, that sounds crazy because no man would ever say something like that, unless of course he was pretty effeminate, but I would bet the farm that eight out of ten men reading this will have heard a woman say something like that at one time or another because I’ve heard eight out of ten of the women I’ve ever known well enough to want them to feel better say it. Why?

It’s that same problem of our differing emotional scales. (See http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/217-Understanding-Our-Emotional-Scales-Another-Key-to-a-Great-Relationship-and-Marriage for details.) Ours runs from negative to positive, with neutral in the middle, while a woman’s runs from zero to extreme without a lot of discrimination between positive and negative. They would prefer to feel good over bad if handed the choice of two doses of equal intensity, but there are times when a woman has a choice between feeling a little good and really bad that she’ll choose to feel really bad just to feel SOMETHING intensely. Again, why?

We both tend to stay near the middle of our emotional scales, which is our comfort zone. Men don’t like to stray too far from neutral in either direction. Feeling bad creates an urgent need to fix something, while feeling too good makes us irrational (it will be a long time before the world forgets Alan Greenspan’s words, “irrational exuberance” and the fallout from that) or makes us paranoid, wondering so intensely when the good time is going to fall apart that we cause it to fall apart.

Women, on the other hand, have a higher level of emotional involvement and energy at the middle of their scale, and if they go too low, they get bored (and start exhibiting a lot of the same behavior we exhibit when we’re at the low end of our scale – scared, hurt or angry – including in extreme cases nausea, trembling, disorientation, feeling of desperation, etc.), or if they go too high on the scale, they tend to get irrational and get lost in the emotional overload, unable to return to the middle of the scale until they bleed off that excess emotional energy.

So what does this have to do with Amy? She was trying to bleed off that excess emotional energy by just experiencing it and letting it burn her out and make her bored with the issue to sufficient degree that she could get back in balance, recentered, and refocused. So what does this mean to you?

First, that when one of the women in your life is feeling bad, giving her logical, rational reasons why she should feel good isn’t going to do anything but frustrate her. She’s not stupid, and she likely already knows most or all of the reasons available to feel good and has tried thinking about them. Throwing them in her face is the equivalent of telling her she’s too stupid to think of something like that herself. Don’t do it.

Logic and reason can very rarely be used to bring a woman out of a heightened emotional state unless you are a very strong leader, so with a low chance of success and a high risk of insulting her and royally pissing her off, just don’t go there until you have mastered alpha male leadership and can jolt her out of her distress with a strong, alpha male maneuver that will cause a massive and rapid bleed-off of all that emotion. As a novice, there are really only two things you can do.

The first is to do as Amy asked, and just let her get through it. Be supportive if you can without acting like you’re trying to be a father or coddle her; otherwise just let it go. Or, there’s a better option, if you’re a pretty strong leader…

In some circumstances, especially when she’s feeling bad about something that happened to somebody else, such as a friend’s mother dying (as opposed to her own), you can convert that negative energy to positive energy by finding something utterly outrageous to do to distract her, and when she acts pissy and says something like, “Can’t you see I’m upset?” you just turn it up another notch with something like, “Do you think I’d be acting this ridiculous if I couldn’t?” and crack the big naughty grin.

She might smack you a good one, but she’ll be pouting and smiling at the same time, a sign that you’ve won, so keep it up and lead her out. If however, she says something like, “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I’m just going to have to get past this myself,” give her a hug and tell her that you’ll be somewhere doing whatever you’re going to be doing when she’s over it or if she wants to talk.

Be perfectly clear on this point: You can lead her if she wants to be lead, but you cannot force her out of a bad mood or emotional pain, so forget any notions you have to the effect of “I have to save her or die trying.” No, you don’t, and if you try to save her when she doesn’t want to be saved you’ll just make her mad.

Besides, as her partner, your job is protection and nurturing, not salvation. Some would say that’s the job of religion, not men; I say it’s the job of the person needing saved, because someone not willing to try to save their self isn’t salvageable, and someone who can’t save their self may not be worth saving. In any case, give her the respect of assuming that she can save herself when she’s ready and will at most let you help a bit. Women who can’t save themselves from their problems aren’t partners; they’re dependents, just like men who can’t save themselves.

As I’ve been saying, lessons are everywhere if you look for them. Some of us are better at identifying them and organizing them than others, and we tend to be counselors, trainers, consultants, and teachers. There are women on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, who have proven to be good teachers and trainers where men who are trying to understand women are concerned, I’m all of the above, and an author as well, so you lucked out!

I’ve put a whole lot of these kind of lessons in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," so go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy right now and have the benefit of all the testing and experience that went into it now, while it’s easier to do something with it than after everything blows up in your face. (You can fix it after the blow up, but why do it the hard way when you have an easier choice???)

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Late Winner, Success Story, and GREAT Lessons for Your Relationship and Marriage

I found a late entry that was so well-analyzed, well-prepared, and well-presented that I had to reward its author. He has a GREAT story to tell about his own life and the best analysis and teaching presentation of the King Arthur and the Witch story that I have seen to date, and I’m calling this one a “MUST READ.”

We interrupt the regularly scheduled newsletter edition today to bring you one that I really never thought I would present, and am SO proud to do so. One of you has moved straight to the head of the class with a great success story and the best analysis of the King Arthur and the Witch story I have seen or heard to date, bar none. Indeed, he covered every significant point that I found and even small one that I didn’t spot myself. Meet Stan:

David,

I am one of those guys who lost their wife of twenty-three years because of not knowing the signs that you teach of. I worshiped the ground that "SHE" walked on and it killed all of her attraction for me. She filed for divorce and I went into a depression after she left and became a sniveling flubber. A wimp who begged her to come home and love me. You were right, this only repulsed her and she would tell me that she was going to find a "Real Man" and told me that I made her sick.

Well, her "Real Man" turned out to be a homeless drunk without even a driver's license who didn't compare to me in any way. Looks, money, character or morals. She bought him things and helped get him a place to live, drove him around and had sex with him while suing me for divorce and trying to take everything that I worked for, which brought me down even further. When he was done with her, he, of course, dumped her. All within a matter of a few months.

I have two children (One a teenage boy the other a nine year old girl) of whom the courts gave me custody from the beginning but with supporting them and loosing work because of my depression I still haven't been able to afford your book yet. However, using your advice (received via your E-Mail letters) I have met a quality "LADY", whom is even more beautiful than my ex and way more of a lady to me and my children than "SHE" ever was.

I have learned a lot from your letters and I thank you for everything, for until I found your site I had given up and had all but crawled under a rock to die. From you I learned how "I" had a major role in her actions and infidelities and as such, I also have to accept some of the blame. Now "SHE" is begging "ME" for love and to let her come back but I have learned from you what to look for in a quality woman and she has none of the qualities of a good wife or partner or sad to say, even a mother.

I am an adamant reader of your E-Mail articles now and so appreciate your help getting me through my "Wuss Syndrome". I thank you for teaching me to be (and helping me to realize that I am) an "Alpha Male" and as such, I am a better man, father, and inspiration to my friends and family and especially my son.

That being said, here is what I learned from the story: "What does a woman really want?"

The first lesson in this story is that Arthur should not have sought out the wisdom of the wise or priests, because this particular question had nothing to do with spiritual wisdom, but pertained more so to a woman's nature. The princess wasn't truly qualified to answer the question because she would have probably had everything handed to her since her birth and wouldn't comprehend the true meaning of the word "want."

Arthur probably didn't go to the witch at first, not based solely on the fact of cost (He didn't even ask the cost yet) but because he, neglecting the fact that she IS a woman, didn't think that a woman of her stature would have the answer to a question so pertinent, for she lacked the looks and finer qualities associated with regular women for whom society sometimes associate looks or appearance with quality. How would a woman of her stature know what "REGULAR" women want?

The witch, however, did have the knowledge of what she or "Women" wanted, because she in fact WAS in charge of her own life. She had the choice of being whatever or whomever she wanted. The witch was perceived as ugly by others but they all respected her and knew that she would have the answer for a reason; she was a powerful woman who was strong within herself. She did not have to prove to anyone who she was because she already knew who she was. She was “it,” so to speak. Thus the exorbitant costs she required.

She wanted Lancelot, who stood out from the crowd, as her booty because she knew that she deserved him and would not settle for less than the best. As the "Most noble of the knights" He had already proven himself an "Alpha Male" which had already triggered her attraction switch knowing within that she was also a quality female.

Retaining her looks through the wedding ceremony was probably a test to see how much of a man he was and he passed with flying colors. It didn't matter to him how anyone else felt or what they thought, Lancelot lived for and answered only to himself. He was willing to do what was right for his people, again showing leadership qualities and selflessness by taking the initiative and being a leader for his king, continuing to trigger attraction in her.

On their wedding night the witch offered Lancelot part of what she "COULD BE" not so much as a reward only, but possibly as a continuing test. She rewarded him and partially submitted to his authority by giving him part of what she knew he, as a man, would want while posing yet another test of when he would want it; is this about pride (the way other people see you) or is it about you (what you want)?

By accepting her gift and graciously granting her the authority back, to make the decision as to when he would receive it, he gave her the security of letting her know that he believed that she was capable of making her own decisions and that he was going to stand by her either way continuing to trip her attraction triggers thereby causing her to want to please him, turning her into what he wanted her to be, naturally.

Thanks for letting me thank you.

Stan


Well done, Stan. Well done indeed. Enjoy your copy of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and keep in touch. If you can learn that much and do that much with my newsletters, I can’t wait to see what you can do with my book.

And what about the rest of you? Maybe you’re getting a lot out of my newsletters, and I’m pleased as punch that you are, but has it occurred to you that as good as what you’re getting out of these newsletters is, you’re not getting anything close to what’s available to you in our free forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, or in my book? If you’re getting more smiles than you used to, you’re really talking again, and things are starting to heat up in the bedroom again, great, but you’re catching crumbs, so to speak. How about a nice big steak? Can you imagine what you could do with that? And don’t you deserve to treat yourself and your relationship better?

I love this work, I love helping you folks, and I love every one of you for making the effort to try to make your life better, but I’ll be the first to admit that I do this for a living and I’ll never put more than 10% of what I’ve researched and proven into these newsletters. It was a lot of hard work for a lot of people, especially me. And you’ve seen that I put a whole lot more useful information in these newsletters than most authors put in their premium reports and books, so can you imagine what’s in my book? And what you could do with it?

So are you a crumb-catcher or a beef-eater? Have a steak, hot off the grill. Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and see what I mean, see what you can do, and see how great YOUR life becomes because of it.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, August 29, 2011

The Final Lesson for Your Relationship or Marriage from Our King Arthur and the Witch Contest

We’ve reached the contest deadline, and it’s my sad duty to report that we don’t have another winner, but there was a GREAT (and TOO funny!) “honorable mention” response and tune in for the greatest lesson of all!

Our King Arthur and the Witch contest is over, and there were several entries, most of which were pretty good and a few that were excellent. Some of you are quite the philosopher, submitting observations that were totally off-topic but still quite astute!

I’m also quite proud to report that there was still not a single lame entry, which holds a couple of lessons in itself: “it is far better to be silent and thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt,” and “When you don’t know, don’t try to fake it; listen and learn from those who do know!”

There are lessons everywhere you look if you take the time to seek them out. Many people just go through each day doing whatever it takes to get to the end of the day without looking for the lessons each situation has to teach. That’s a recipe for stagnation and failure. I just pointed out to a guy who’s been e-mailing me for a while that his concern about having reached middle age without being married and lacking the perspective and lessons learned from past marriages could be cured in large part just by spending some time reading the problems and solutions at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, and in the end could in fact be the wise man who learned from everyone else’s mistakes and didn’t have to make them at all.

One of the wisest men I ever knew told me something very early in my career about both life and business that I will never forget: “If you’re not growing, you’re dying.” You grow by seeking out lessons to learn, right?

Yeah, I know, shut up and give you the lesson that was missed! See, it’s that kind of impatience that drives women into the arms of the gardener, milk man, pool boy, etc. You need to learn the value of anticipation, yet another lesson found where you weren’t looking for it.

First off, here’s a hilarious answer from one of our more active forum members, “Cyno”:

Arthur was a Pansy Ass and Lancelot a homosexual!!

1.) If a King needs a Witch to save his life, he's living in the wrong Kingdom. Not Alpha Male.

2.) If a King needs a Witch to save his life, he has laid down his Excalibur. Not Alpha Male.

3.) This has wrecked my enjoyment of stories of King Arthur and Sir Lancelot, now that I know both are wusses.

a. Arthur was willing to let his friend save his ass, instead of handling his own challenges. Not Alpha Male.
b. Lancelot regarded his life as less than his friend's life instead of as at least equals, if not of greater value. When the only solution one can see is perpetual sacrifice, the only realistic outcome is a life of defeat. Not Alpha Male.
c. Lancelot did not lead the negotiation with the witch, he ran from making one by not offering a decision up for negotiation, or at least a suggestion by throwing the decision back over the fence to the woman. Not Alpha Male.

4.) The witch and Lancelot will be getting a divorce because she will be bored of Lancelot's indecisiveness.

5.) Lancelot loved another man more than himself or a woman. He was a homosexual.

6.) This story was written by a woman, because what neither of these men are what a woman really wants, but both are what they SAY they want.

Best Regards,
Cyno

I asked him about number 5, which seems to ignore the ancient axiom, “Bro’s before ho’s,” but haven’t heard back from him yet. But you have to admit, he has some excellent points! The only reason he’s not this year’s winner is a technicality, that being that he already bought the prize and is already one of my star students, so I’ll have to figure out something else to do for him.

Okay, time for the real lesson, as submitted by a 2006 winner:

Hi David,

The biggest lesson I saw is contained in the latter half of the story. The Witch is a real witch, until a man makes her happy, and then she is compelled to make him happy. I’ve noticed in several of your newsletters that you say “If mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy, and if mama is happy, everybody’s happy.” That’s the lesson, so I win too!

Max

Yepper, Max won because he spotted the biggest lesson of all, and the reason behind my choice of domain name, “makingherhappy.com.” (And I must commend you all for behaving honorably, because it’s obvious that nobody went to my newsletter archive on our forum (http://forum.makingherhappy.com/forumdisplay.php/4-Daily-Newsletter-Lessons) and looked up the winning answer, but that’s the only time you’ll ever hear me compliment you for not taking advantage of that archive!)

I get a lot of flak from some guys about how I’m promoting ass-kissing and pandering to a woman’s whims by having a web site with that name. In a nutshell, they’re idiots who speak before they read or think. Lancelot didn’t pander to the witch at all. He did nothing more than empower her to do something that she already had every right to do and was entirely capable of doing it. Other than that, he was just being himself.

Real women are the same way! They don’t want us to pander to their whims, cater to them, etc. They want us to stand up and act like men, like leaders, like the guys we were born to be, and break up their boredom and tension with a witty remark or adventure of some sort from time to time. They want us to listen to them speak and take them seriously when they’re serious, not join in on their drama and help them to drown in it.

They want us to tell them when they’re being a brat and unreasonable, and help them snap out of it and get back to being happy and having fun. Their emotional nature is at times their greatest strength and at others their greatest weakness, and part of our job as men is to help them keep it from hurting them.

When we do our job, we get rewarded with all the fun, nurturing, respect, loyalty, friendship, and support they can muster – they’re biologically wired to do it, so you needn’t worry about wasting what little time and effort it takes to go back to being yourself and shedding all that man-killing programming we’ve all received since the 80’s that had many of us sitting on the couch watching chick flicks and crying.

So there you have it. More or less a dozen good lessons for men about women and life from a simple joke that may have never been intended to do anything but make somebody laugh. Valuable lessons are everywhere, if you take the time to look for them.

Speaking of which, I can save you a whole lot of time, because I’ve got a book for you full of valuable lessons, the combined experience of several hundred couples and my own. Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and see what other of life’s great lessons about women, committed relationships, and marriage you have been missing. Here endeth the lesson…for today, anyway. ;-)

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

The First Winners in Our Contest, With Lessons to Help Your Relationship and Marriage

I’ve not received a response so far this year in our contest from the King Arthur and the Witch story that is worthy of winning a prize, so I’m extending the contest for more winners to enter!

For those of you joining us late, in yesterday’s edition, which you can view in the archive at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/828-King-Arthur-and-the-Witch-Lessons-in-Women-Relationships-and-Marriage-and-a-CONTEST, I announced a contest for the best lessons from that story that readers could pick out and submit, because it was full of them.

I’m disappointed to say that I’ve not received a mentionable response to this contest so far this year, because in years past, there have been some very insightful comments made by some of you. I’m going to print the winners from the past years here because they are quite brilliant, and I’m also going to extend the contest so if I receive any more really good ones before the deadline Sunday night at midnight, Mountain Time, the submitter will still get the prize. Get a load of these:

Hi David!

Yes I loved the story too! You did bring out some amazing points and very possibly the most important ones. I have a few you may find interesting as well. I think one very understated one but is so easily overlooked in many, many stories is the Ugly Swan.

Yes everyone else saw the "old crone", what a sacrifice it would be, etc., etc. Something which could be very easily overlooked is she obviously had the potential to be WHATEVER she chose at any moment all along. She, or any woman is perfectly capable of being as beautiful or as "crony" as she wants at ANY time.

Let's face it, we have all had relationships where the lady we couldn't be without, "turns" in to a waspish, mean, nagging crone we can't wait to be away from. Little realizing WE kept pushing her in that direction because we weren't being the man she needed. Responsibility can be a tough taskmaster unless we relish and see it for the liberating force it can truly be. I don't have your course but from the emails I've seen from you a lot of the principles are perfect for turning your crone back in to your queen.

Another part of this is it illustrates the women could very well be a cackling witch simply waiting for a real man to lead and allow her to be the woman she really wants to be all the time. How many "bitches", sorry for that, are really simply screaming for help, for a real man to stand up and say it like it is so she can relax, breathe and enjoy truly being herself? And making the man who reached her the luckiest guy this side of heaven in all the ways he never even imagined? Look out and make sure your health is tip-top because you're in for a ride buddy!

You can also learn from this story people will rarely tell you the real reasons why they do something. I am reading "Influence, The Psychology of Persuasion" by Robert Cialdini and this is brought out in many ways where people consistently never see the reasons why they acted how they did and even refused to accept those reasons when directly confronted with them. If asked, many women will say they want the wussie, fawning, put me on a pedestal little boy. But their actions, romance novels, magazine stories and certain movies all say something completely different.

Choosing your sources of information is absolutely crucial. We may not like or be afraid of finding out because if we do it will mean we will have to take responsibility and OWN it. That can be a very scary thing especially if we are already having confidence issues. It can seem like your being asked to throw yourself down and asking someone to kick you. That's not the case at all because when you find the answers you need, see them make the changes you want and create the excitement, the thrill you want so terribly in your relationship, you'll treasure that moment for life.

I could go on but this is already long so I will close and say THANK YOU for all of your great emails. I truly believe if people would just act on the emails alone it would give them a HUGE leg up on creating the success they want in their relationships. It just boggles the mind to think what it would be like putting your emails together with your book.

Sleep soundly and enjoy knowing you are reaching a great many more people and making a difference whether they say so or not. I will take this time as well to again say thank you and I look forward to all your emails. They are very special in every way. Just like you.

Thank You Very, Very MUCH!!

Sincerely,

Dave
(2006 winner)

Dave is obviously an achiever, and very insightful. After reading "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and my two free reports (http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/144-Free-Reports!) “Break-Up Busting 101,” and “What Women REALLY Want,” he has become an absolute master and guru in his own right, as well as a very close friend and valuable moderator on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/. And by the way, he’s right; the content of these newsletters means a lot more to those who have read my book. They’re like continuing education lessons for them.

Now check out Karl, who’s letter clearly demonstrates the appropriate attitude for a real man and achiever:

Hi David,

The best lesson in the story is in the first paragraph - That being: If you can't figure something out for yourself, ask someone who CAN figure it out. It's worked a treat for me.

I win,

Karl.
(2006 winner)

Karl entered expecting to win, and said so! Also notice that he placed a period after his name in closing, which some handwriting analysts say means he emphasizing that his is the last word on the subject, something you see in very confident personalities. Not everyone who comes to me is a wuss; some are very manly men who need help understanding women, others who need help communicating with them. Many are very manly men who have been led to believe that they need to act wussy in order to get on with women and are horribly unhappy putting on that act, and wanting relief from the stress of acting against their nature. All of them are getting help, because they’re taking Karl’s lesson one step further:

To deal with something they can’t figure out for themselves, they’re asking someone who has already figured it out, tested it, and succeeded with it, then went on to help others succeed with it, the very definition of a trusted source of information for those who know how to recognize it. Which brings me to an entry that I couldn’t have made up if I’d tried, and made me laugh so hard that I had to send him one just for the laugh. Meet Paul (who by the way, is a VERY important guy for reasons I can’t divulge without violating his privacy, but if any of you single ladies are in the NYC area, I really should introduce you to him, so e-mail me at support@makingherhappy.com and I’ll pass your address along to him):

Hello David,

I gather the lesson is as follows:

When your questions go unanswered and something is not working after a year and many people are advising you about a suggestion take their advice and spend whatever the advice will cost. Example: In this case many people advised King Arthur to seek the advice of the Old Witch, however Arthur felt the price would be too high and wasted precious time. How to relate this to today's time: When David is doling out terrific advise and your marriage is in the rut and all it cost is about what you would pay for a couple of movies and popcorn or beer and cigarettes then stop wasting time and purchase and read "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." and save your Marriage.

PS David, if this entry wins, as I am still single, please donate your copy to next e-mail that you receive from someone whose marriage is on the rocks.

Kindest Regards
Paul
(2007’s winner)

As I told Paul, who is also a friend and truly a man among men, many of my readers have said that this book should be required reading in high school because in addition to helping you fix problems, it does a great job of preparing you to FIND that one in a million relationship that can be an effortless, happy, and life-long marriage. He’s single, and by the time he gets to the end of this book, he’ll be ready to find happiness in what I suspect is one of the world’s richest concentrations of high-quality single women, New York City.

Here’s a 2008 winner, who also ended up becoming a close friend later:

Hello, David,

I found several lessons. Like you, I am an Objectivist. So I saw Lancelot trade his single life for life with a crone because he would not choose to live without Arthur as king, just as a man might trade his single life for life with any woman because he would not choose to live without someone to lead, protect, and provide for, recognizing that there are benefits in both single and married life, some of which are mutually exclusive, and having the guts to make a decision about which he wanted and stick to it.

I saw that there is a lot of free information around, and that not much of it is useful. “Common sense” is today a misnomer. “Uncommon sense much more accurately describes what common sense used to refer to, the ability to think through something to a correct conclusion or functional remedy. There are always people around ready to give free advice, and most of them are merely parroting what they’ve heard others say with no idea of whether it works, or else telling you what they’ve done that didn’t work, but they think it should have and are looking for personal validation through your success where they failed, rather than hoping that you succeed.

Another thing that I noticed was that Lancelot went through with the wedding, and was going to go through with the honeymoon consummation as well. Just as many real men try to make the best of any situation without complaint. He “steeled” himself, instead of whining and lying about a headache or some other ailment.

And the part that struck me most was that he trusted his wife to make a decision if she had the guts to make it. I personally would never trust any decision a woman made after consulting a dozen girlfriends, because girlfriends are often too good at persuading other women to do something that is not in their best interest purely for the sake of drama, but I would trust a woman who would skip the drama and realize the gravity of the situation to make the best decision she was capable of and be open to discussing and negotiating it afterward.

Thanks in advance for the book!
Joel

I really don’t think I can or should add anything to Joel’s comments. His points struck me as self-evident as I read them. Joel had only been subscribing for a couple of weeks, and we quickly become very close friends after this. He is another guy who has no trouble being a man, but has some issues with evaluating women and relationships and communicating. He had to work a bit at growing tolerant of the indirect communications style his wife uses, because he’s hyper-analytical and efficiency-oriented and therefore driven to take the shortest path to anything, but he got there, and they’re good now.

So what about the rest of you? What lessons do you see that haven’t already been disclosed? There are still a few, and you’ll recognize them when pointed out after midnight if not before, but try to dig them out and send them in because I’m still inclined to award another copy if someone spots the one really super lesson that has yet to be reported. And if you don’t see one…

…take it as proof that you need to step up your efforts to learn and go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage". It is THE quickest path to happiness, as anyone who has used this book or whom I’ve coached will tell you. I don’t buy this crap of needing 10-30 weeks of counseling to straighten out a marriage or determine that it can’t survive. The facts of your life are right there before your eyes, and if you can identify and observe them without bias, you’ll know exactly what to do. After that, it’s just a matter of execution. So get busy! Life is short, too short to waste being unhappy, the clock is relentlessly ticking, and not a single tick can be regained once it has passed.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham