Saturday, June 04, 2011

What's Holding YOU Back from a Great Life, Relationship, or Marriage?

My readers are having such successes that some of them have started sending me their own versions of my newsletter and telling me to publish them. And they’re good, too! Tune in…

You know you really have something that works when the people you advise start trying to help you spread the word. I occasionally get suggestions for newsletters from readers, and lately, I’ve even been getting drafts of newsletters asking me to publish them. And they’re good, too, taken from these readers’ own experience.

So I’m going to start publishing some of them, and keep in mind as you read them, these people came to me for help and were in as bad a shape as any of the rest of you when they did; these students have become masters. This one from David C., one of the winners of my “King Arthur and the Witch” contest, also known as “Think-First,” now an administrator on our forum:

I've had this question floating around for a while and some of it started bouncing around in my head and I can't seem to get it into clarity. You see with all the rewards of being the Alpha Male in any relationship, I've often wondered what could hold someone back?

Alpha: Noun - the first in a series of related items: frequently used in chemistry and physics. Adj. - being the most prominent, talented or aggressive person in a group: the alpha male of investment bankers.

Male: Noun - a person bearing an X and Y chromosome pair in the cell nuclei and normally having a penis, scrotum, and testicles, and developing hair on the face at adolescence; a boy or man. Adj. - pertaining to or characteristic of a male person; masculine: a male voice.

What has held me back in the past? While there is an intense desire to succeed, there is always that underlying risk or fear of actually becoming successful. Then I began to see that what I was picturing in my mind was my own lack of self-confidence and hence the fear of making mistakes and imagining the ridicule that would result from it.

Notice here that I am building a picture in my mind, despite all evidence to the contrary, of what a failure I would be and how I would be made fun of because of it.

Defeated before I ever entered the contest.

Now I be could fully justified in choosing the passive voice, the kind and understanding guy, a nice friend. Buried underneath all this is the basic rule that there is no conflict, there is no challenge and there is no pressure to succeed; hence there is no failure. Something or someone else is always at fault for my problems in this victims’ universe of how being nice will save us all. Blame can be passed off as lack of training, lack of knowledge or lack of other people understanding how nice you are.

"She'll appreciate how nice I am when she gets tired of that jerk she's with now." Yea right! LOL!

"The Princess Bride" syndrome as I like to call it. How this lowly stable hand became the true love of her life after being the passive Mr. Nice Guy for so long, she was overwhelmed with love for him. And we've seen just exactly how much evidence of this? Reality is the antagonist in this kind of thinking because no matter how much of it attempts to intrude, subtly or with a slap across the face, it is always "THEY" who don't understand or appreciate what YOU do for their love everyday.

This got me to thinking the only possible way this could succeed is if the natural drive to excel got buried so deep in BS, that any attempt to help them see it for what it is means they would have to look around and see, smell and taste what the world they are living in is really like. Remove the rose colored glasses, the potpourri infused nose filters, soothing sound filters for the ears and the velvet gloves to see a harsh, cold world waiting to stomp on them. "But I love them warts and all. Why can't they see that?" Because reminding them of their warts is fine, reminding you of yours proves they don't understand how nice you are. The most selfish person in the room is a martyr for the noble cause of themselves.

The Alpha Male - The first to generate the chemistry of attraction in those around him by being the most prominent, talented, or aggressive person wherever he goes by demonstrating that “having a pair” is not just about what's between his legs.

Like a babe born into a cold new world, it may seem harsh at first but that birth had to happen before they could experience a life of their own making. If you haven't read "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," you're still waiting to be born. Because while a baby is in a controlled environment, seemingly comfortable, warm and happy, it also has no clue why things that jostle, push and prod it are happening and no way to stop it when it does.

The question is “Are you going to keep letting life happen to you or does life need to get ready for you?”

Straight from the hip, straight from the source; I corrected nothing more than a couple of spelling and punctuation errors that his word processor software didn’t pick up. And he’s asking the right question, too!

“Are you going to keep letting life happen to you or does life need to get ready for you?” Are you going to keep sitting there taking what comes, or are you going to stand up and start making things happen? One of my favorite movie lines comes from the football spoof, “The Replacements,” when Gene Hackman says to Keanu Reeves, “Winners ALWAYS want the ball.”

Men who want really success in anything want to take action, because they know that’s how to make success come fastest. They don’t wait for things to just work themselves out because they know that seldom if ever happens. They get tools, information, and whatever else they need and they get busy. And women love them for it. Women also hate it when they don’t.

We have more than one gent on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, who is dealing with the aftermath of failing to act. And they freely admit that if they had acted earlier, they wouldn’t be staring down the barrel of a divorce. They’ve learned from their mistakes, the hard way: problems don’t just go away, or fix themselves. They fester, boil, erupt, spread, and eventually devastate, ever escalating until something is done to fix them, unless in the case of a bad marriage, one of the partners is widowed, in which case the problem ends without ever being fixed. Not exactly a recipe for a happy marriage either way, huh?

So now it’s your turn. The question has been put to you, and since you’re here, it’s safe to say that you have been put to the question as well! Do you want to do it the hard way or the easy way? Proactive, where you can lead the action, or reactive, where you are constantly on the defensive and trying to play catch-up? Are you ready to step up and make life happen the way you want it to? If so, go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” right now, before you do anything else. Live the life you’ve dreamed of instead of just dreaming about the life you’d like to live.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, June 03, 2011

Is Someone Getting the Short End of the Stick in YOUR Relationship or Marriage?

Some men (and women) work their butts off for all the wrong reasons. Are you one of them? Would you know? There’s an easy way to tell, and there’s a way to fix it, too…

Today I was reminded of something that happened to me a long time ago that really teaches a great lesson about making a contribution in your relationship. I’ll spare you the details of the event because it was both boring and pathetic; I’ll merely say that it involved a broker who had resorted to scamming his clients to feed his wife’s insatiable appetite for shopping and ultimately ended up jailed, divorced, and selling used cars after he got out of jail, all because he didn’t say “no” or “stop” when he should have. (Haley, you knew him.)

Have you ever asked yourself why you work the way you do, and who it’s really for? Whose goals you are trying to meet? If not, you should. That answer is definitely one worth having.

If you and your wife have sat down and planned your retirement together and you have jointly chosen things that you want to accomplish before and during your retirement, great! You’re on the right track. If the two of you are so independent that you keep your finances separated and are both making your own arrangements for retirement, that’s great too, as long as everybody holds up their end. But…

If you’re doing all the working and she’s doing all the spending, or if you’re both working but she’s still doing all the spending, something’s wrong. And no, I’m not talking about your wife being the one to handle paying the bills out of a joint account. If your wife is better at that kind of thing than you are and you can trust her to do it right and honestly, that’s the best thing to do.

What I AM talking about is when all significant financial decisions -- indeed, all decisions of any kind -- serve her goals and not yours. I see this around me nearly every day, and get letters from men asking for help with the issue. I won’t say that it’s a problem in every household by a long shot, but it’s getting common enough that I feel compelled to address it.

Why does it happen? Because you wussed out! No, there’s no other explanation, so don’t try. You wussed out and gave in and spoiled her rotten, or allowed her to spoil herself rotten because you didn’t have the spine to say, “No, that doesn’t work for me and I don’t want to do it. Working for no reward at all is slavery, not love, and you cannot leave me without reward for my work.”

Maybe it was fear of retaliation, or fear of rejection, or fear of making the wrong decision. Maybe it was fear of her leaving if you didn’t. Maybe it was just being too lazy to make a decision. Maybe you were such a wuss that you thought that you had to buy her love by turning everything over to her and living for her pleasure to the exclusion of your own. Only you can know that, unless you want to give me the details of your history and have me point it out to you. But what I can deduce with 100% accuracy is that it happened because you were not involved in the decisions, except possibly as a “yes man” and “meal ticket.” You don’t even rate as a “sugar daddy” because she was the one making the decisions.

If it hasn’t happened to you, congratulations, but pay attention and make sure it never does. The broker I mentioned was an alpha male sort who ran onto some hard times, and his conniving wife smelled blood and told him that if he didn’t continue to keep her up in the manner to which she had become accustomed, she’d leave and take everything he had. He panicked, plain and simple, and turned against everything he was (he was my futures trading broker for years and was the only honest broker I had ever met until this happened) out of fear that he would lose her.

I hope that it’s obvious to you that a woman who would leave you because you won’t spoil her isn’t worth having anyway, because she’s only there for the money, to take your life, not share it with you. One of the wiser things Mark Twain ever said, and he said a lot of wise things, was "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

And before anybody goes off half-cocked and sends me a nastygram because I’m saying that “all women are just after money,” NO, I’M NOT. Most women are good women, just like most men are good men. But the bad ones tend to be really, REALLY bad, and if you find you’re with one, you’re options boil down to precisely two: Remain a slave to her desires or free yourself of her and start over, first to regain your life and then with a good woman who will share your goals and desires and help you to attain them – a partner, not a parasite or predator.

There is nothing you can do to change a bad person into a good one; they must do that, of their own free will and because they desire it, if it is ever to happen. You can’t blame a good woman for letting you spoil her, or a bad one for making you spoil her if she succeeds. All you can do is force a correction of the attitude and behavior and let the chips fall where they may. The woman’s character will be indicated by whether she straightens up or hits the door running (or tries to throw YOU out).

The point? It all boils down to who benefits from what you do. If you don’t benefit from your labor, why do it? (And for that matter, if you’re putting all your love and energy into a relationship and not getting any in return, why do that, either???) If you’re not benefiting from the time and effort you spend to generate income (or be a good husband) while others in your family do, that’s not being a man and a provider, it’s being a slave, and there is nothing loving or noble about being a slave.

Stand up and at least share in the benefits of your labor, and if somebody gets mad about it, tell them to either get over it or hit the road, because their days of reaping all the benefits of what you do while you get nothing more than the headache and the backache are over. That leaves them two choices, respect you and stay, or leave. Either one is a good option for you under the circumstances, right? Even if they take everything you have as they exit, you weren’t getting to enjoy it anyway, and with a fresh start, you can enjoy everything you work for and earn. Starting over, if things are bad enough to require it, is not the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a whole new world.

A great relationship and marriage is based upon love, which is in turn based upon compatibility, and love brings with it respect, loyalty, trust, and friendship; the absence of those things is an accurate indicator of the absence of love. It also requires attraction to provide the fun and excitement that keeps the relationship alive for the decades that the two of you live together. Without attraction, life is boring, especially for her, and she’ll find a way to cure her boredom if you don’t cure it for her, either with drama or with somebody else.

Speaking of which, we have an interesting story on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com. One of our women advisors has disclosed that she’s having man troubles. Her man has a case of low self-esteem, she’s bored to tears, but instead of hiding in an affair, she’s trying to help him see the light and man up. It’s interesting seeing a woman helping like that, because it’s so easy for her to do something else. Warms my heart, as the saying goes, and you should join us and watch it unfold. You might be surprised at how much what you read that she complains about sounds familiar, and how easy, and even fun, it will be to fix it.

Nobody who loves you would allow you to work as their slave, and nobody to whom you are enslaved could ever feel love, respect or attraction for you. It’s really that simple. You have to either turn it around or start over, the right way, with somebody else, if you are ever to be happy. Otherwise, at best, you’ll spend the rest of your life “comfortably unhappy,” settling for trying to keep things from getting worse because it’s impossible for them to be better, holding survival, not joy, as your goal. End of story.

Sometimes mistakes are made and people get off-track, and you can turn it around just by making the choice to correct mistakes and get back on track. Other people start off the wrong way, marrying for need instead of love because they don’t know the difference, and you simply can’t get it back on track because it was never there to start with. How do you know the difference? And how do you respond when you do?

It’s not hard to do, just hard to recognize when you’ve not studied women, couples and relationships, and nobody who has studied them has told you what they’ve found. I’ve studied them, and still have dedicated women and couples working with me regularly to research and expand the knowledge base by testing new ideas and scenarios. Once you get on this road to improving your relationship, you can’t get off. It’s not that it’s an addiction; it’s just so rewarding to feel yourself getting more and more happy, intimate, excited, and safe in the knowledge that you are indeed living with a true partner, not just a dependent who may stab you in the back or leave you for no apparent reason.

Care to join us? We’re literally in a revolution, revolting against the mistaken and life-destroying ideas that bad relationships can only get worse or must be suffered in silence, that it takes months of expensive therapy to get over common problems, that bedroom intimacy is going to die, no matter what, after you’ve been together for a year or two and an affair is the only way that you’re ever going to enjoy that kind of life again.

If you want to know what we’ve found so far, go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and start reading. If you’re already feeling the strain and think a break-up might be imminent, also download my free “Break-Up Busting 101” report at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/144-Free-Reports! and feel free to share it with your friends. Together, we can fix just about anything, one way or another, so climb aboard and let’s get busy!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Is She Faking Orgasms? "Performance Monitoring" in Relationships and Marriage

How can you tell if she’s faking “the big O”? Does it matter? The truth may indeed surprise you!

It’s time to address a sticky issue. I keep getting hammered with this question, so I’m going to answer, and then I’m going to tell you something a lot more important…

The question is simple. Meet Todd, one of the many people who asked the question, and who did so in the fewest words while sounding intelligent:

Hi David,

How do I tell if and when my partner is faking her climax?

Thanks,
Todd

Todd’s a man of few but well-chosen words, isn’t he? To answer, there is no way to always tell with 100% certainty, at least not without medical monitoring equipment, but here are a couple pretty dependable bits that can help you figure it out.

First, if she appears to be screaming during the contractions (not between the contractions, but through them), she’s either faking or grossly exaggerating. Physiologically, that’s as near an impossibility as being able to hold your eyes open when you sneeze, and for the same reason. It’s in the “wiring” of her nervous system. The problem is that trying to exhale to scream during the contractions doesn’t work, so any noises of pleasure should be broken up by the contractions.

There are rare – and I do mean RARE – exceptions to this, according to what I have read in medically- and therapeutically-oriented books and studies on the subject, but the exceptions are mentioned in the context of nerve damage, birth defects, and anomalies so rare as, for example, having all your internal organs on the wrong side of your body (juxtaposition of organs is unrelated – the rarity is the point). Like I said, RARE.

Along the same lines is another very telling sign, but in the opposite way. It is reported by medical authorities on the subject to be near-impossible for a woman to experience any significant level of climax without her toes curling. No kidding. Note that if she knows about this, she can fake curling her toes, but if she’s bucking and thrusting and making all kinds of steamy animal noises and her toes aren’t curling, either she’s faking or she’s one of those RARE cases mentioned earlier. I’ll say only that I have never personally observed one of those RARE cases.

Don’t even think about asking me how you’re supposed to keep an eye on her toes while in the act. If I even try to answer that question the spam filters (annoying pieces of crap!) will be trapping 99% of this edition and few will ever see it. (Don’t get me going about spam filters. I finally found spam protection that works better than anything that uses content filters – see http://www.mailvice.com/ if you have your own domain name and you’re interested.) Just use your imagination, get into a position, like “canine”-style or “rodeo” style that lets you see her feet without being obvious, and don’t obsess over it. If she’s hot enough to have you in such a predicament, she surely has assets that are much more interesting than her feet. You shouldn’t be worried about it anyway. Why?

Because you ought to be doing it right and know it by the fact that your partner is acting like you are the “King Daddy Pleasure God” by giving you sexy looks, being playful with you, inviting YOU to the bedroom, etc. If you’re being the alpha male (not alpha dog! – see my free “Break-Up Busting 101” report for the distinction! http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/144-Free-Reports) and engaging in naughty play as you should be, especially in the way of slowly ramping up the action through the day as described in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” using her anticipation for maximum impact, you’re going to know, in no uncertain terms.

A woman who’s happy in her bedroom makes it so wonderfully obvious by showing you that she wants to be there, and often! And she’s also a whole lot more open with coaching and feedback when she knows you’re listening to her, so getting those communications skills honed will help take a lot of the mystery (and consequent insecurity about whether you are pleasing her!) out of the equation.

Speaking of mystery, there are threads on our forum (http://forum.makingherhappy.com/) concerning all the signals that women issue and men miss, thereby driving women to frustration and even rage. It’s interesting and useful reading, and even if you think you already know it all, I’d strongly suggest you check it out.

As for your wife, if you’re having to worry about whether she’s faking, you have bigger problems than your sex life, and you’d better be getting your butt over to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and downloading your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” before she gets bored and frustrated and you end up either celibate or cuckold (that’s what we old farts were taught to call it when your wife sleeps with another man). You know as well as I do that if Mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy, and if Mama IS happy, EVERYBODY’S HAPPY, and this is proven daily to be your best shot at making that happen, so get busy!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

What the Poet Virgil Knew About Saving a Relationship or Marriage

“The wisdom of the ages” is so named because it is indeed timeless, and even if it is thousands of years old, still proves effective today. Over 2,000 years ago, the Roman poet Virgil knew a lot more about fixing a failing relationship than you might guess…

I can’t describe to you how much I love this job. Everywhere I turn, I see something that holds a lesson for you, even in my old e-mail! LOL!

I was looking through the e-mail I’ve received from readers in past months to see who I needed to check in on (I try to follow up on everybody who writes to me with a problem to make sure they get it resolved and are still moving forward every day of their lives), and I noticed something about them: those who had the greatest success are the ones who took the most decisive action swiftly.

The great Roman poet Virgil (70 BC – 19 BC) wrote a lot about bold actions and bold men, not to mention a lot of other things that a man, especially a man in trouble, should keep at the forefront of his thoughts.

First those on boldness and bravery:

“Look with favor upon a bold beginning.”

“Fortune favors the brave.”

Those who see opportunity and act not only succeed, they draw the favorable attention of others, especially women, and most especially the woman with whom they are in a committed relationship. After all, bold, well-planned and well-executed action is one of the hallmarks of leadership and alpha male behavior.

But what makes some men bolder than others? Virgil had a few words to say about that, too:

“They can conquer who believe they can.”

“They can do all because they think they can.”

If you expect success, you make it happen, plain and simple. It’s not a mind game, just common sense. When you don’t expect success, you hold back, not wanting to commit everything to the win, holding your options open to such a degree that you never fully exercise any of them, and eventually your options expire and you fail miserably. Henry Ford is often quoted, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, your right.” Some guys on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com are finding that out as we speak. One says that a couple of weeks ago when he first joined us, he’d never dream of calling his wife on bad behavior because he was basically afraid of her, and since realizing that he could call her on bad behavior and change it, his evolution is profound and accelerating. Regardless of the outcome of his problem, he will ultimately find happiness and success, because he’s now feeling both worthy of it and emboldened to go after it.

Ask anybody who has succeeded why they succeeded. They won’t tell you it was blind luck. That’s somebody who won the lottery, not somebody who has succeeded. Someone who has succeeded at anything will say that they thought things through, and then followed through (legendary U.S. Air Force test pilot Chuck Yeager’s formula for success). They may not use those words, but that’s the message you’ll get, that they were committed to success, and did what it took to make it happen.

The million-dollar question is, what gave them what they needed to commit? What say you, Virgil?

“Trust one who has gone through it.”

“Believe one who has proved it. Believe an expert.”

No man is born knowing how to handle every situation, good, bad, or indifferent. We learn as we go, some of us more than others. Those who succeed can commit to success because one way or another, they have come up with the knowledge that it takes to plot their path into the future, anticipating situations and making appropriate choices, thereby having a reasonable expectation of success because they have seen it. They then proceed, knowing that if their own learning and experience don’t cover everything that comes up, there will be others who can provide experience and knowledge that can bridge the gap for them, but one way or another, they will find or create everything that is needed.

But success can be fleeting, you say? Sure it can, if you let it! Virgil knew something about that, too:

“It is easy to go down into Hell; night and day, the gates of dark Death stand wide; but to climb back again, to retrace one's steps to the upper air - there's the rub, the task.”

Many a success, many a fortune, and many a life has been pissed away because someone wasn’t vigilant and started letting things slide, like paying attention to their business, their children, or their wife. But instead of taking action, they thought, “Well, maybe it will just turn around on its own if I’m patient.”

Yeah, right. I’ve had a lot of problems fix themselves, haven’t you? I think the last time I had a problem fix itself I was in high school, had dislocated a shoulder falling down a flight of stairs, and tripped on the way to the ground floor to go to the hospital and relocated it. That was over 35 years ago. Yep, happens all the time, right Sparky?

So what should you do? Virgil, another pearl if you please?

”Yield not to evils, but attack all the more boldly.”

When things start to slide in your marriage, one of the very first things that happens is your sex life goes to Hell in a hand basket. Boredom and frustrations build and you become part of that deplorable statistic wherein married couples who have been together longer than two years average having sex six times per year.

That sucks, doesn’t it? And it’s so easy to just go out and have a fling, while you wait for her to wake up and do something, because it’s all her fault, with the headaches, the complaints, right? After all, she’s the one who’s saying “no,” not you.

Don’t be a moron. She’s not saying “no” because everything is the way she wants it to be. She wants to be excited. She wants to desire you. She wants you to sweep her off her feet, as you must have done to some degree on some level for her to marry you unless she was totally desperate and feared being alone, in which case she still wants it and wants it to be you, but doesn’t expect it from you, so it’s even easier for her to be looking elsewhere, too. Isn’t it odd how the pendulum swings both ways?

One of the worst-kept secrets in all of existence is that there are actually VERY FEW headaches that are bad enough to interfere with sex. Ask anyone who has a healthy libido and satisfying sex life. It’s when you don’t mix it up with naughty behavior and alpha male leadership to create attraction for a woman, don’t pay attention to her and learn to communicate with her, and frustrate and bore her to death that it becomes easier for her to just fake a headache, or fatigue, or menstrual pain, etc., than to try to explain to you that you’re not “doing it for her” for the one thousandth time knowing that you won’t get it any better this time than the previous 999.

That’s when you have to dig deep within yourself and ask yourself how important your happiness, this woman, and your marriage are to you. Virgil even wrote something about that:

“O tyrant Love, to what do you not drive the hearts of men?”

That rhetoric can be placed in many different contexts, both good and bad, but think about it. When you really love a woman, when you truly VALUE her, and share her values, should you not be willing to do whatever it takes to protect and maintain your relationship with her, short of sacrificing yourself? (Self-love must exist before genuine love of another can.) And if you do not, should you not acknowledge that a mistake that has been made, that you are so mismatched that neither of you can ever be happy with the other, and seek a graceful, equitable exit instead of wallowing in misery or starting some kind of war?

That’s when you summon your expert, learn what you need to know, and commit to making a successful change. You can dread it, or you can revel in the opportunity to start over with better information in hand and do it right this time. Virgil had some pretty good advice about that, too:

“Let us go singing as far as we go: the road will be less tedious.”

There is nothing that can diffuse a bad time, lighten a load, or elicit cooperation like the combination of leadership and humor, and that goes double for any situation that involves a woman, because they are biologically wired to respond to it. They have a choice to a degree and up to a point, but attraction can become just as overwhelming for them as boredom.

Think about that for a minute…

You can create attraction for a woman, and have her nurture you and stay with you for life, or you can fail to create attraction for her, and have her so bored and frustrated that she makes your life hell and BOTH OF YOU end up risking or having affairs while waiting for each other to do something to put off the impending divorce. If he had had such language in his day, Virgil may have said something like:

“Hmmm….a no-brainer!”

So there you have it. Be bold, be brave, find an expert, trust those who have been there before you, and have fun fixing things. Wisdom of the ages.

I’m your expert. I’ve been there, along with the 118 couples that helped in the development of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and the hundreds that followed them to keep providing you with the wisdom of those who have been there so that you can be bold and brave, and get back to having fun in your marriage or other committed relationship. Download your copy right now at http://www.makingherhappy.com because it’s not just history that favors the bold and the brave; women do too, including yours!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

It's the Simplest Things That Make for a Great Relationship or Marriage

It’s the simple things that create attraction, as this woman explains as she relates an event from her past that most people would have seen and still completely missed its meaning and significance.

What a great day this has turned out to be. I’ve accomplished exactly nothing that was on my To-Do List when I started the day, but I’ve still accomplished more than I usually manage on an average day, and it feels good. There’s nothing that can boost your self-esteem like simple achievement.

It’s often the simple and obvious things that could make the biggest impact in our life and yet go completely unnoticed. A perfect example is in this letter from Candy:

Dear David,

I have been reading your newsletters for a while now and have recently finished your book. I found your information for both men and women to be right on the money. As a woman I really did not think there was a man out there capable of understanding us much less being able to share it with all men and I would like to say “Thank you.”

I was reading in your book about how men should pay more attention to the little things their wives say and do because it’s like magic in making us feel appreciated and special, and it reminded me of something that took place in my life that shows just how attraction can happen in a heartbeat.

A few years ago I was at my senior prom hanging out with my friends, my friends were the cheerleaders, football players and that kind of crowd and I will admit we could be hard to get along with especially if we did not like someone. Well I was outside of the hotel where the prom was being held waiting on my date to bring the car around so we could leave. It was a cool night and like most young women I was wearing a strapless dress that was revealing and anything but warm. As I was standing there waiting for my ride the wind kicked up and I shivered from the cold when out of nowhere I felt a coat fall over my shoulders.

I looked around and standing there was a guy I had known all my life, but never really paid attention too. You know he was not in the same crowd I was in and was rather “looked down on” because he did not have a flashy car or play sports. He had taken off his tux coat and placed it around my shoulders to shield me from the wind. As I turned to look at him he just smiled and said, “I noticed you shivering.” I don’t know what hit me the hardest, the shock of a man noticing I was cold and doing something about it or the sudden urge to have him take me, right then and there.

The urge passed pretty quickly, especially since my date pulled up and opened the door for me before I had really recovered from the shock, but it was there, and it literally swept me off my feet before I knew what hit me. It wasn’t the drama of some sappy romance crap, this was a real guy protecting me from the chill, something my boyfriend did not even do for me at the time, and it triggered a very deep, primal sensation of being possessed and protected that I’ll never forget.

From that minute forward I looked at Troy differently. I felt safe while he stood there with me, and every other time I was around him. I began to get to know him better and better because there was always that connection, even though we didn’t have enough in common to ever form a deep relationship and did not end up married or anything like that, I still have a very strong attraction for him to this day, and it doesn’t take much to remind me of him and those feelings. I also have an overwhelming urge to check on him, nurture him, and catch myself from time to time doing things that a wife would do. It’s rather obvious, because after seeing us together more than one person has asked if we were once married. We do still see each other from time to time and he will smile and ask me if I need a jacket.

Attraction can happen to anyone anywhere and it does not have to be something grandiose or flamboyant to knock you off your feet. It can be something as simple as placing a jacket over a young woman’s shoulders, anything that makes her see you in the context of a leader, protector, caregiver, etc., and that shows that you noticed something about her and that your reaction went beyond sizing up your chances to bed her down.

Candy


That’s a great story, Candy, and I’ll bet that only one out of ten women and one out of a thousand men that witnessed that act would have had any clue what was happening unless they had been through it and knew from their own experience. Every day we do things that create attraction or witness things that create attraction in us or in those around us, but we don’t stop to notice and fully experience those things and try to learn from them.

Men barely notice, and women tend to get lost in exploring the emotional impact rather than trying to discover the source of the feeling. There’s so much that goes on around us that we could learn from but don’t, even when we live with someone for twenty or thirty years.

So what is Candy saying that every man needs to know? Two things:

1. That when you pay attention to a woman and notice that she needs something it makes her feel very special and kicks her into “nurturing mode” to reward you for protecting, providing for, and/or nurturing her, and

2. Any act that resembles a primal act of protection or benevolent possession can trigger intense feelings of attraction.

Notice that I said “benevolent possession.” It’s important that you know the difference, providing or protecting on an intimate level. Benevolent possession would be doing something that a husband would normally be expected to do for a wife, such as sharing his own food (feeding her from your plate) or a garment (putting your coat on her). This is very different from being jealously possessive, which is an act of control that telegraphs a lack of self-esteem, and will kill attraction as quickly and surely as benevolent possessiveness can turn it on.

Creating attraction and navigating your way through the minefield of inter-gender communications are not that difficult, but the knowledge you need to develop the skills to do either one is not obvious; you could walk right by example after example of it over the course of a lifetime and never see it, as most people do. That’s why I sat down with 118 couples and extracted everything that was useful and reliable and put it in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and why this incredible e-book has continued to evolve since its inception as hundreds more couples write to me with success stories and their own insights, which we run through the test group and add to the text if their thoughts pass muster on the large scale. So now you have a choice…

You can continue to stumble around, blind and ignorant, or you can be one of the few men who really know what women want, what makes them tick, how to listen to them and talk with them, how to lead them without intimidating them and how to make them enjoy being around you instead of resenting your existence. You can be the guy that you may have been when you were young and carefree and had women falling at your feet, before you forgot what it was that turned them on, or if that was never you, you can finally be that guy, and the guy that your wife wants to show off to all her friends, not because you’re a pretty boy, but because you’re a manly man that will make her friends green with envy.

Sound like something you want to do? I thought so, because I’m loving every minute of living like that (at 48 years old, slightly overweight and we’ll not even talk about what’s happening to my hair!). And if you think it can’t happen to you, drop by our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, and take a look at the evolution of men that is happening right now. It’s all there, in print, historically and presently, and if they can do it, you can too.

So join us, the men who make our women truly happy (and hence, have them nurturing us like no other!) by going to http://www.makingherhappy.com and getting your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" right now, before you do another thing, because life’s too short to put off until tomorrow the success and happiness you can enjoy today.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, May 30, 2011

Know What a Real Naughty Boy Looks Like for a Great Relationship or Marriage

What exactly do I mean when I tell you to be “naughty”? And what is it about “naughty” that drives women crazy?

Over the years since high school graduation, I’ve talked with old classmates and found out all kinds of things that I never knew about myself and the girls I went to high school with. If I could go back knowing what I know now…

Well, I can’t, and really, upon reflection, I don’t know that I’d change anything at all, because the idea of dating a bunch of teenage drama queens is even less appealing now than it was then, but it would sure be fun to see all of that through new, more aware eyes! You see, what I’ve been finding out was how many of the girls “had the hots for me,” including the hottest ones in the school, even some a couple of years older than me, and I never knew. That begs several questions, among them:

1. Why didn’t I know?
2. What made it happen?

Both questions have answers that are easy today, but in those days would have amounted to hidden, mystical knowledge that no man was supposed to have! And which, by the way, I can now provide… ;-)

I didn’t know because I didn’t know how to listen to women and read their signals. One girl had such a crush on me that she bought tennis shoes that matched mine trying to get my attention; I had no clue. We were “just friends” as far as I knew, and I thought it was an act of camaraderie. Others asked questions that, at the time, I found extremely annoying because the answers appeared so obvious; they already had the answers. The questions were just excuses to try to get my attention and strike up conversation; I was the stupid one, in spite of graduating as class valedictorian and receiving a congressional appointment to a military academy.

What I knew about communicating with girls when I was in high school wouldn’t have taken a whole paragraph to record. I still thought, as nearly all men do, that women talk just like we do, but a whole lot more, and usually too much about too many things that I don’t want to talk about or hear. That doesn’t take anywhere near a paragraph to write, huh? But I learned…

I eventually found out that what caused all those girls to want my attention was two things: I didn’t give two hoots in Hell what anybody thought about me and was about as independent and often rebellious as a kid can be if somebody tried to push me to do something that didn’t make sense (alpha male behavior), and I was about the most devil-may-care, mischievous little demon in the school. It was impossible to be bored around me because there was always some prank, adventure, or impossible mission, mainly because I was so bored with school and had to find ways to challenge myself. Much to the chagrin of the faculty, they weren’t always academically productive. ;-)

You went to school with a guy like me, the one who couldn’t keep his mouth shut when there was a good joke to crack, always a smart-ass but usually a likable smart-ass. The prankster who seemed to be at the center of every spectacular stunt, joke, or uprising. The guy whom the teachers were always having to punish for breaking some rule or disrupting something, but never wanting to punish because his mischief brought some fun and excitement to their boring routine and because he was the curve-buster and teacher’s pet as far as academic performance went. And most of all, the guy who, in spite of all his shenanigans, never hurt anybody, and was always leading the action, recruiting others to join his quests and adventures, sometimes causing a whole group to sit in the principal’s office, brothers-in-arms, waiting for the group ass-paddling to commence and laughing it off.

(For you youngsters, yes, they used to beat our behinds with paddles, not send us to “time out” or “sensitivity training,” or “home for personal reflection.” And we turned out fine, by the way. Most of us grew up with a sense of purpose and a sense of personal responsibility and accountability, something I haven’t seen much of in recent years.)

Remember him? You never really knew what he was going to do next, or what he was going to say. A teacher would ask a question, and if he raised his hand to answer, everybody would turn and look at him, silently trying to guess if he would be serious and give an authoritative answer that would ensure his position as teacher’s pet for another week or crack wise with something that he and everybody else knew he shouldn’t say but had to say, and when the teacher would reprimand him through clenched teeth trying to keep from laughing themselves to death, would cock his head a little and with a sly grin say something like, “Who, me?” or “Now you KNOW I didn’t mean it THAT way! Get your mind out of the gutter, Ms. Teacher. There are children in the room!”

Sure he meant it that way, and so did I! But it was that attitude of selectively bucking the establishment when there was really no harm done, leading the way in making mischief when it was least expected, and grinning that manure-eating (taken from the colloquial “grinning like a ‘possum eating s**t”), fun-loving grin that drove the girls wild. They have a naughty streak, too, but for centuries they’ve been told that they shouldn’t let that be seen, because “nice girls don’t do that if they want to find a nice man and get married.”

And they won’t, until a man gives them such a dose of it that they can’t help themselves, and become overwhelmed with a feeling that it’s safe to cut up and let their own naughty side come out; some would say they’re waiting for your permission to show their naughty sides, and I couldn’t argue with them, but what I’ve seen looks more like they’re waiting for leadership to go down that road. AND BE ADVISED…

It must be only a side of you that you expose, not your whole being, especially in a committed relationship. Why?

Think about the guys you knew who cut up in school. There was the “class clown” who was constantly into something and getting in trouble, right? How did he fare? The teachers thought he was a mildly-amusing, constant pain in the ass, and nobody, including the girls, took him seriously, right? Everybody would go to him to get a levity fix and then move on to other things, because that was all he had to offer, a quick chuckle or a good laugh, but nothing of real substance. Like what, you say?

Like a deep conversation, or a challenge met and conquered, or an example set by leadership, or homework answers, or anything else that people naturally look for in other people. Do you think a woman wants to be married to a clown? Or do you think she’d prefer a man who gives her the feeling that he can handle the world, protect her from the world and the boredom it threatens her with, can have a deep conversation with her and leave her with something to think about, and when she least expects it, do something outrageously naughty that lets her show her own horns for a while too? That’s kind of a no-brainer when you think about it, huh? If you’re one of those people for whom comedy is a defense mechanism, you seriously need to get your issues addressed so you can enjoy a good laugh for a change instead of hiding behind the laughs of others.

So how do you develop this naughty boy bit? You don’t! It’s already inside you, no matter who you are. What you have to develop is the courage to let him out on occasion and the discipline to put the genie back in the bottle after you’ve had some fun. If you really don’t think you have it in you, then expose yourself to it, explore it in others, until you can remember it in yourself, or simply feel it trying to come out. You’ve been in situations where something serious was said and a sly, hilarious thought crossed your mind, but you didn’t let it out. Why?

Answer that one question, “Why did I not allow myself to be myself in that moment, and cut loose with that naughty thought as a naughty remark to be shared by everyone in the room?” and you’ll be well on your way to reviving your naughty boy side. Somewhere along the line you locked him in the closet, maybe because you were afraid of mom finding out, losing a job, being punished, or sounding silly – who knows? Find out!

That’s not to say that if you are invited to report at a board meeting that you should make a farce of it. But if you’re sitting in a meeting at work and things are just getting too tense, lighten the moment if it’s not going to get somebody fired. If you’re having a fight with your wife over some sort of drama and you have a funny thought cross your mind that won’t come across as you making a cruel and embarrassing remark to her or minimizing a legitimate issue she’s put on the table, let it fly! It will probably end the fight – maybe with her giving you a sound smack in the head for interrupting her rage and making her smile, but end it nonetheless – and how can that be a bad thing?

Just remember that naughty is about fun, for everyone. It’s never mean or cruel, and laughter should never come at anyone’s expense, including your own. If something that goes through your head has realistic potential to hurt others, keep your mouth shut. It’s far better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. It’s also okay to poke a little fun at yourself along with everybody else, but don’t embarrass or demean yourself for the attention.

As an aside, you should hear the women on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com describing the things they like and listening to how they talk. Extremely naughty, but not trashy. And understand, they talk trash with the best of us, but they don’t talk trashy. You could learn a lot just from reading for an hour or two.

So now you know. Just like when I was in high school, you can be doing everything right and never know it, or worse, be doing everything WRONG and never know it! Most men are, and if you were doing everything right, it’s highly unlikely that you’d be reading this, right? It takes two skills to really make it with any woman, no matter how much you love each other.

You need to be able to create attraction within her by creating and releasing sexual tension. This is done by alternating between various types of behavior ranging from strong and serious to thoughtful to naughty as a man can be. You also need to be able to really read and understand what she says and signals to you through words, deeds, body language, vocal tone and volume, etc., so that you know WHEN you are succeeding at creating attraction, and succeeding at receiving and returning her love, respect, friendship, and loyalty, or when you are killing any of the above.

THAT is one of the secrets of relationships that are enjoyed for a lifetime, and I can tell you about the others, too. Sound like something you want to get in on?

I thought so. Here’s what you do: Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and read the inadvertently best-kept secrets in the universe, those of what women want, how they think, how to communicate with them, and how to turn them both on and off pretty much at will. It doesn’t put you in control of them; it puts you in a position to lead, understand, and enjoy them, and to be enjoyed BY THEM. Do it now, before you do another thing, because you should never, EVER put off until tomorrow the success and happiness you can have today!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Who's Seducing Whom? Heating It Up in Relationships and Marriage

A reader says he wants to seduce his wife and I never write about seduction. Really? Let’s take a closer look.

I received the strangest e-mail from one you gentlemen, and I’m still trying to stop chuckling over it. He said I never talk about seduction, and wants to know how to get his wife into bed. I write about it frequently, so I’m going to spell it out to make sure that there is no misunderstanding from this point forward on anyone’s part:

One of the first symptoms of a relationship starting to fail is a decrease in the frequency and intensity of sex. It’s not just age and busy schedules, nor hormones. It’s the slipping away of attraction, making intimacy a lower and lower priority, which leaves a void that has a name: BOREDOM. (And guys, you know that boredom is the bane of a woman’s existence, her archenemy, the thing with the most potential to literally destroy her life, right?)

So you see, celibacy isn’t so much a problem as a symptom of a bigger problem, just like affairs: the lack of fun and excitement that leads to attraction, which in turn leads to more frequent sexual encounters with your partner. It takes both love and attraction to hold the relationship together, and that’s why we must talk about it and make sure that it gets fixed if it’s broken.

Hence, the sexual goal (there are many goals, both sexual and non-sexual) of creating attraction isn’t to get your wife into bed, but to make her want to get YOU into bed! (Among the other obvious ones are the aforementioned fun and excitement that keeps life interesting.)

Yes! Really! A quick reality check: They get excited just like we do, just as much, just as often. They’re more sexually powerful than we are too! You don’t think so? Look around you. How many women do you know that have multiple “O’s” vs. how many men? Yeah, that’s what I thought. They enjoy the process of seduction just as much as, if not more than, we do, as long as we give them the motivation to do it and make it worth their while by taking the time to let them do it right. How’s that?

Well, in a great many cases, when a woman “does it right,” she’s actually seducing both of you. Tell them, girls! When women act sexy for us, it turns them on as well. When you escalate it by giving them a little of what they’re after, and then withdrawing a bit, the challenge and anticipation eats them alive with delight, and they get even sexier trying to take you both to that next level, where you reward her with a little bigger taste and then pull back a bit, two steps forward, one step back, until she finally can’t take any more and just jumps your bones outright!

Seriously, if you follow the advice in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” and learn the skills of attraction and sexual mastery it contains, even if your partner has never responded to you aggressively in the past, she will tear you up (as long as she’s not been emotionally damaged by some trauma, like a rape) when you start flipping those attraction triggers and then slowly building up the tension and anticipation for her as described.

So you see, nearly EVERYTHING I’ve been writing about concerning attraction and communication has also been about seduction, YOUR SEDUCTION AND HERS, and heightened communications skills have an indirect yet nonetheless profound bearing on seduction as well – how to get your partner interested in you again, closer to you, excited to be around you, enjoying seeing you being the alpha male, being turned on by you being a naughty, manly man who jumps in and out of naughty mode, creating and building sexual tension until she MUST have you. It’s one of several fool-proof methods of eradicating boredom that I teach!

At our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, we have women basically telling all the secrets of seduction. They’re very openly discussing the secrets of kissing, talking, and everything else that we men seem born doing badly. You really should drop by and check it out, because you wouldn’t believe how much is being disclosed in how little space.

The difference is subtle, but it’s profound, and for those who know the difference, the rewards are HUGE; hence, I’m going to keep writing about it, no matter how many newsletter editions and books it takes, until everybody who can “get it” does. Life is too short to live it lonely, celibate, and thinking that lonely and celibate or sneaking around in affairs are the only way to live, so go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and start living the good life while you’ve got some life left to live!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham