Saturday, May 28, 2011

Attitude Adjustment, a Double-Edged Sword That Can Make or Break a Relationship or Marriage

We’ve talked about how an attitude adjustment can build attraction, but we need to talk about how the wrong attitude adjustment can just as effectively kill attraction, to the point of trashing a relationship or marriage completely!

First, I’d like to tell everyone how proud I am of those of you who have been writing to me. I have a very good group of readers, people who make the choice to improve and follow through on it, something that I don’t see much in the rest of my day-to-day activities. Constant contact with people who get things done is both therapeutic and motivating, and if you don’t have any other “winners” in your social or work circle, I strongly urge you to find some.

It’s very easy for the members of any group of people to sink to the level of the lowest member in the group, and surrounding yourself with high-quality people is excellent insurance against this, not to mention much more enjoyable than listening to some mealy-mouthed worm complaining about his mishaps and shortcomings every time you see him. Good people should keep the company of good people, not those who want to be supported by good people rather than expend the effort themselves to be good people.

Getting into today’s lesson, I was reminded by a letter from one of you that attitudes can be adjusted in both directions, for the better and for the worse, and it can go entirely unnoticed until it’s too late. Meet my buddy Joe, one of the older among you:

Hi David,

Thought I'd take advantage of the invitation to share a current example and the observed effects.
I'll try to make this the “readers digest” version, but some back-story is probably beneficial.

About 8 months ago some friends and I pooled funds and bought a business that would otherwise have disappeared. Three of us contributed money and one was to be sweat equity.

At the time I was exerting leadership and authority it triggered attraction in a woman (we'll call her Judy) I'd known for about a year and who was involved in the purchase as well. We were spending an increasing amount of time together, sharing more of our lives and becoming intimate. After being alone for about 4 years (long separation and divorce) it was a very welcome addition to my life.

After things settled in I neglected to “keep it going” in terms of leadership, (mistakenly) feeling that since she and I were doing well and had a definite affinity that things would continue. WRONG. There are other factors involved, but basically I failed to continue in the leadership role and the attraction waned considerably. The end result was that the relationship that had been hot and very mutual was put “on hold” until we “each got things in our lives straightened out.”

This last week we had to remove the “sweat equity partner” from managing the restaurant. Since I'm the geographically close partner AND the person that put the deal together AND have worked the business as well, it has fallen to me to organize and manage the restaurant. This created a lot of strain and even induced a bit of “panic” initially. A lot communication went on with the partners over status, decision-making, etc. Again I failed to take a strong enough leadership position.

Since that point I've gotten a handle on things, however, the effect on my relationship with Judy took a worse turn in that she's not confident with my assertiveness and there's now some struggle and even bossiness on her part in how things will proceed. Yep, classic wussiness and deference have caused her to feel she has to 'be the man'.

Now there are other issues in play here, and an evaluation of Judy as an appropriate partner is clearly required as she has her own set of issues. HOWEVER, observing the progression of events here it's clear that FAILING TO TAKE THE LEADERSHIP ROLE HAS TANKED WHAT WAS ONCE A CLEAR AFFINITY AND PRETTY FUN AND INTERESTING RELATIONSHIP.

I'm re-evaluating my process of relating information to my partners with an eye towards framing the issue, identifying options and suggesting the most effective choice, INSTEAD of coming across with a “what am I going to do now?” type of attitude.

It's a learning process and some take longer to “get” the lessons. The thing is that the lessons continue to come until we DO get it.

Thanks David for your help and newsletters. They're helping me to change into a better man and better partner...for someone, sometime.

Regards,
Joe


As you can see from Joe’s account, letting your attitude deteriorate in the face of stress, deadlines, boredom, and a lot of other things, is easy, and it can cost you, dearly. So keep an eye on your attitude, mood, deviation from good habits (like being on time, or being well-groomed) that show self-respect, etc., and don’t let things go down the tubes when they could easily be maintained or improved. It’s far easier to maintain the good things in life than it is to regain them once lost.

There was one guy on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, who went through this and never could get it right. For the last two of seven years of marriage, his wife tried harder and harder to tell him that his attitude was pushing her away, and it got so bad that she has not only dropped the divorce bomb on him, she’s so much in the habit of punishing him verbally for what he did in the past that she was unable and unwilling to even attempt to see him as he is now. We tried to coach him through it, and his attitude was bouncing around like a ball, rather dramatically in fact.

He’d see the problems and admit what needed to be done, and then start making excuses and fabricating things out of thin air that were in direct contradiction to what he’d already said, trying to evade the fact that he was married to a predator just to keep from having to make a change that could have facilitated a happy life. It’s a fascinating read and could save your marriage or a friend’s somewhere down the road because it exposes so many pitfalls and what happens when you handle them the wrong way, so join us and give it a read. Search for “Lerxst” and you’ll easily spot the relevant threads.

Getting back to maintaining things being easier than regaining them once lost, think of a bundle of asphalt roofing shingles. Once you get them up on your shoulder, holding them there or going up the ladder with them isn’t hard at all, but getting them from the ground to your shoulder (especially if you do two at a time like I do) is rough, and you can get hurt pretty badly doing it if you don’t do it just right. Relationships are the same way. Easy to maintain or elevate from a comfortable position, but having the potential to break your back if you have to bring one from the ground up.

So now you have to ask yourself a question: “Do I know what my attitude, demeanor, personality, habits, etc., are projecting about me???” And do you know how the people, and specifically the women in your life, are interpreting what they see? Another question: “If somebody, especially a woman, tried to tell me what they see, would I listen, and understand?”

You will after you’ve read my book, "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and you’ll also know what they like seeing and how to adjust your attitude and outlook so that they see what they’re looking for and you enjoy your life more, not because they see it, but because YOU do. It’s fun, easy, and every man who has tried it to date has succeeded in making his life better, regardless of what woman’s company he was keeping, so whatever is holding you back, skip it, and get over to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy right now. Never put off until tomorrow the success you can have today!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, May 27, 2011

"How Was Your Day, Dear?" Men Who Don't Talk Are Killing Their Relationship or Marriage

Curiosity killed the cat, and a woman’s curiosity is about to get the best of her, and maybe of him, too. Confident achievers are more inclined to listen than to speak, unless they are teaching, and the more social nature of women make them want men to talk about themselves more than most are comfortable doing. Men also tend to try to separate their work time from their family time and are not driven to explore and milk negative emotions the way women are, so “talking about his bad day,” isn’t something most men are likely to do unless they are wussy complainers looking for attention. There are ways of handling this mess if you use your head…

Today’s edition is on something that has been a recurring theme in readers’ letters, a man who doesn’t talk enough about himself to satisfy a woman’s curiosity. Some men keep secrets because they are ashamed of themselves and their past, but others simply aren’t comfortable blowing their own horn.

Achievers tend to let their actions speak for them. I’ve had a lot of letters from women and men over this problem since it was last breeched in my newsletter (see the archived article at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/635-What-Women-Say-They-Want-in-Their-Relationships-and-Marriage-Sharing-the-Details-of-the-Day?highlight=sharing+drama); from women who think their man is hiding something and from men who are annoyed with what feels like “constant prying and digging.” Here’s an excellent example. Meet Bernice:

Dear David,

My husband and I have a great marriage and we love each other very much. We purchased your book out of curiosity and I am so glad we did. Even though our marriage is a good one I believe there will always be room for improvement.

There is one area that I would like to ask you about and hope you can help me to understand better what I need to try to do. As far as sex, after reading your book we are again like two teenagers getting away with sex in my parents bed or in some public place that makes us even hotter. The only part of our life that seems to be a problem is we never talk to each other. This is starting to take its toll on me and I feel the wedge between us sinking a bit deeper every day.

I would love to be able to share what happened in our day together over dinner, but it seems the last thing he wants to talk about is his day. I feel like I do not know this man in certain areas in his life and to be honest I do not like how that makes me feel. We never talk about his life before me at all, but his past is not really my biggest concern. Sure I would like to know all I can about him, but I would be happy if he would just open up to me some and share with me portions of his life. I do not feel that is too much to ask him to do.

I would appreciate any ideas you have on this subject, other than this it seems we have the perfect partnership and most loving marriage of any of our friends or for that matter anyone we know. He knows all about me and sometimes I feel like I am married to a stranger.

Thank you for your time,
Bernice


(Gentlemen, stick with me, because there is a huge lesson here to help you to understand women’s perceptions.)

Well Bernice, thank you for writing, and I’m going to start by asking you and everyone else who has not read the issue linked above to please do so. It is full of details about why men do this and how to handle it, and I’m not going to reprint it here because according to AWeber (my newsletter broadcaster and autoresponder manager), 84% of subscribers have read that newsletter and I don’t want to bore them with a repeat.

I will, however, help you to get some perspective here. You say that you have a wonderful marriage, and that’s simply not possible without good communication, which is a strong indication that you are talking a lot more than you are allowing yourself to acknowledge or else you’re exaggerating the state of your marriage, which is highly unlikely since this newsletter leaves your identity entirely anonymous and there’s no logical reason to do exaggerate. Hence, you’re making way too big a deal of him not talking about his past or his workday. The contents of the other article will help you to rectify your problem with the scant or missing “workday report,” but not about the issue of him talking about his past, or not talking, as the case may be.

Achievers, the kind of men who make terrific husbands because they are confident, intelligent, usually good leaders with good communications skills, and are therefore highly attractive, know that your mind and body go wherever your eyes are focused. Hence, they are always looking forward, not at the past. They don’t spend a lot of time reminiscing about the “good ol’ days” because they are constantly making good NEW days. One of the greatest keys to being an achiever is in learning the lessons that any event has to offer and then relegating the event to the past, taking forward only the lesson to guide future choices and actions.

This doesn’t mean that achievers have no fond memories, but they are usually far too busy looking forward to the next day, the next week, the next year, the next project or the next venture to be thinking much about the past. It’s a boring waste of time for us, as it holds no challenge at all, and it’s usually not until such a man has fully retired and is no longer looking forward to his next achievement (which rarely happens for true achievers, even when well beyond retirement age) that he will look favorably on spending much time talking about the past unless he needs it as a backdrop or framing for a lesson he is trying to teach to someone to whom is being a mentor.

“But what if he’s hiding something from me?” you say? What do guilty parties do when you ask them questions about something they are trying to hide? No, they don’t just refuse to answer or change the subject, they ACT GUILTY!

You’ve seen it. You ask a simple question like, “What were you doing before you met me?” and they first repeat your question back to you, then respond with something like, “What are you accusing me of???” and act indignant or embarrassed. Only a true sociopath can pull that maneuver off convincingly, because they have a structural and chemical condition in their brain that causes them to have no conscience, no fear of discovery.

Hence, if a man reacts indifferently or amused to a question about his past, he simply IS indifferent or amused, nothing more and nothing less. If he acts embarrassed he is embarrassed, and if he acts defensive he is defensive. No matter how intelligent we may be, when it comes to communication we men are simple creatures, far simpler than women, and if we’re hiding something bad that would negatively impact our relationship, women will pick up on it in a heartbeat because they have receptors for non-verbal communication that will likely be thousands of years evolving in men. (There’s part of your lesson, Guys: just don’t bother lying about anything, because you won’t get away with it for long, if at all.)

Now, Gentlemen, as distasteful as it might be, it would also help if you would cut the woman you love some slack and realize that she’s not just nosy, she’s genuinely curious about you and interested in knowing you as well as she can. Women also connect through sharing accounts of their day and exploring the emotions that the day’s events caused. Experiencing the emotions of your day help her to connect, and connection is one of the most important things in any relationship a woman has.

When she asks about your day, try to give her more than just, “Fine,” or “Lousy.” Something like, “It was a pretty good day. I didn’t start any new projects so there’s really nothing outstanding to report there, but everything else is moving forward without any kind of spectacular progress or interruption, so it was a day worth spending because I earned my pay. There was a funny thing that happened at lunch; the guy in the next office got a belly-dancer-gram and was embarrassed to death, but that’s about it,” would tickle the pants off of most women, just because you made the effort to give her more than a monosyllable answer, like, “Fine.”

There’s another BIG lesson: Women only answer in monosyllables when they are upset with you and have thrown up a wall, and expect that you are doing the same thing, so try to remain aware of that, avoid doing it, and pay attention when she does it because it’s a declaration that something needs to be straightened out.

If it was a bad day, “I don’t want to talk about it,” doesn’t work nearly as well as, “It was a very frustrating day, because there were a bunch of idiotic interruptions and nothing really went right, but tomorrow should be better, so if you don’t mind I’d really like to just put this day behind me and enjoy spending some time with you.” Her curiosity won’t be entirely satisfied, but she did get a taste of your frustration and the remaining curiosity will most likely be nullified because you took the time to give her the respect of an explanation instead of just cutting her off like she’s insignificant or you’re ticked off at her for asking.

As for talking about your past, again, as distasteful as it might seem, try to give her something, even if it’s just an interesting or amusing story from time to time, because she’s wanting to get to know you better. Women like stability and continuity and are usually also very curious in general, and feeling like they are familiar with your past creates a sense of security for them, as if they have known you all their life. If there are truly painful or embarrassing moments in your past, you should at least tell her that what she’s asking about is something that is truly painful or embarrassing that you are trying very hard to move beyond, and at least for the time being it would be best to leave it alone until you can do a better job of resolving it mentally and emotionally.

I have found, in my own life and that of those who have written me about theirs, honesty about one’s past to ultimately be the best policy, even if it ends up ending a relationship, because the stress of hiding the past wears on you and the truth about the past can come at you out of nowhere, and it’s far less likely to be a problem if she hears it from you than from someone else.

Obviously, confessions are always better received by a spouse than accusations, damning testimony and evidence, and ultimately convictions. Frankly, the time to confess all is between the marriage proposal and the wedding, not after the wedding when everything has become much more complicated. You want a partner to be with you because they choose to be with you, not because they choose not to leave as the lesser of two painful choices. You also want a partner who accepts you as you are, not who merely accepts your best side.

Communicating with your partner can be the glue that binds your relationship or the wedge that drives you apart; it’s your choice, and it’s a serious one. I cannot tell you how much easier my life has become since learning how to communicate with women; so few men can do it well that women really appreciate it when they are speaking with one, and will just about kill to protect a relationship with such a man because he’s rare and valuable, especially if he’s an alpha male to whom she’s genuinely attracted and knows that he has deliberately evaluated their relationship and decided that it is worth maintaining.

There are some gents on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, right now who are in deep trouble, and at least one of them is saying that failure to communicate is a huge part of what has his wife pressing for divorce. They’re getting some help in trying to fix the problem, too, and it would behoove you to read through it.

You can be one of us few guys who “get it” simply by reading and applying what you find in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.’ It’s waiting for you at http://www.makingherhappy.com. Get yours now and get busy making your life better, because it’s far too short to spend it bored, frustrated, or fearful of being alone. As I keep saying, never put off until tomorrow the success and happiness you can have today!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, May 26, 2011

It's TOO Easy to Destroy Your Relationship and Marriage When You Don't Talk With Your Partner

A reader letter demonstrates how a simple problem with a simple solution can be blown out of proportion to a damaging level if there is no communication to address the problem.

I hesitated to include this reader letter, because it’s going to make this newsletter a few paragraphs longer than normal, but aside from the fact that there’s some really good questions and answers involved, there’s also an EXTREMELY important lesson, for both men and women, to be learned from it. Bear with me for a few extra paragraphs and I’m sure you’ll find it worth the read.

By the way, note that the reader’s question is completely off-topic, and I’m not complaining about that and don’t want you to, either, because it leads to something very useful for everyone that is absolutely on-topic. Luckily, it was easy to develop some logical, practical and appropriate advice to give her and there were several women on the support team, including another counselor, who confirmed that it was what she should be told. But, the very fact that she presented this question to me, as someone who doesn’t overtly offer sexual advice to anyone, should be a clear sign to all just how important both relationships and self-esteem are to women and that when things aren’t working, they will sometimes resort to desperate measures to try to bring things back to normal.

Luckily for Christy, the question landed with someone who could give rational, tested advice with the help of a research team instead of a girlfriend looking for drama, some whacko who could have done irreparable damage to her and her relationship by offering guess-work and opinion, or in the case of some less scrupulous individuals, whatever would manipulate her emotions the most for personal gain. Here’s her first e-mail, and the subject matter is a little less “family-oriented” than I usually print, but please just bear with me because the resulting understanding will be well worth stepping outside your comfort zone for a moment – after all, these are real-world issues, and they don’t go away just because people don’t like to talk about them:

David,

I'm currently on my "monthly cycle" and during this time, my live-in boyfriend and I don't have sex. I still make it a point to try and please him, but he takes advantage of the "break" and masturbates to thoughts of other women. The other women are mostly fantasy -- movie stars, porn actresses, or faceless women in general. I consider myself a very attractive and satisfying woman (and he knows it), so I think it's questionable and even hurtful as to why he currently fantasizes about women (I also think porn is reserved for single men only). Our sexual relationship is VERY healthy, so I'm at a loss. Is this okay for men to do this when they're in a happy coupling? Can this be considered mental cheating?

Sincerely,
Wishing I was the only one

My reply:

Hi Christy!

Thank you for writing. Your question is a tricky one, and the correct answer depends on some details that you haven't yet provided. At first glance, it doesn't appear that there is a problem. If he's telling you that he's fantasizing about other women, he's being honest and most likely faithful; if he were lying about it, or had any real desire for another woman, he'd be trying to conceal that, and lying to you about what stimulated him during masturbation.

Contrary to what women are unfortunately taught as they grow up, men don't masturbate because they are unhappy with their partner; we masturbate mainly for physical relief, especially if we are health-savvy and know that lapses in sexual activity cause a build-up of DHT and minerals in the prostate gland, which causes prostate congestion, which is uncomfortable to say the least, then Benign Prostate Hyperplasia (BPH, commonly known as swollen prostate or prostatitis) and has also been shown in clinical studies to be a prime factor in contraction of prostate cancer later in life.

As for whom he's fantasizing about, men are primarily visually stimulated sexually, and it may simply just be easier for him mentally to recall the images of things he's seen on the screen, especially if the two of you generally have sex with the lights out. Even the most sexually-free men have some subconscious issues with masturbation because of the way parents deal with it, and frankly, it's prone to make us quite raw and sore if it takes too long, even with lubricant, so we tend to take the quickest and easiest path just to get it over with. If you're satisfying your man and he’s being honest and open about what he’s doing, the evidence says his masturbation is strictly preventive medicine, and I would strongly suggest to you that you don't try to read anything into it.

If you are insecure with him recalling the images from porn movies (speaking of which, many couples sit and view porn films together, sometimes as a mood enhancer, sometimes looking for adventurous techniques, etc., but it's by no means something that a woman should be concerned about unless he's spending more time with porn than with you, or is burning up half his paycheck with porn movie rentals, which is an obvious sign of some kind of addiction or mental problem) as he masturbates, there are a few things you might consider, among them, having sex while you're on your period, if you can find a way that's not uncomfortable, like in the shower (unless of course your objection is that it's painful during that time), or offer him some other form of sexual attention in addition to or in lieu of his masturbation.

The main thing is to try to find a way to make it pleasurable for both of you, don't try to read anything into it, especially any kind of shortcoming on your part or infidelity on his, and use it as an opportunity to find new intimacy in your relationship. If you allow it to impact your self-esteem, both of you will pay dearly for that mistake, and if you feed any insecurities about his fidelity over this issue, you'll send a strong signal that he can't be honest with you about some things without being punished for it, and punishing honesty can turn into a relationship-killing problem.

I hope this helps. I'm not going to publish this in my newsletter unless you feel that it adequately answers your question and you're okay with having this show up in the newsletter, with or without your first name (I never use full names when quoting readers). If we need to discuss this further to fully address your issues, please feel free to write back.

Sincerely,
David


Now, her final reply:

Thanks for your quick reply! I'm comfortable having this in the newsletter if you choose to do so, but then I wouldn't get to read anything new tomorrow :p. I think your response was logical and it helps me realize I'm just fueling my own insecurities. I'm definitely going to buy your book!

Thanks!
Christy

Note the last sentence before she says she’s going to buy my book: my response was logical and helped her to realize that “she was just fueling her own insecurities.” Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot overstress how nearly all women are prone to do this, obviously some much more than others, because their self-esteem is constantly being challenged, and how all it takes to put things right is simple, honest communication. It would have been far better if Christy’s boyfriend had answered her question instead of me, but he apparently made her believe that he was too “closed off” to discuss it, or just blew it off as something “she should just get over.”

WRONG ANSWER!

What he should have done when it was cursorily discussed (which they must have done because she had details that she could have only had if he had provided them, like who he was involved with in his fantasy images), was to recognize that she wasn’t being whiney; she was looking for dialog and understanding, and he should have left her an open channel to discuss her feelings and how the two of them might approach their “down time” that could be more satisfying for both of them. Women get through problems by first talking about the problem, especially the emotions that the problem generates, and then negotiating a resolution.

Refusing to take part in that process comes across to women as dismissal, and on a scale of one to ten, with ten being thermonuclear damage to your relationship, that’s about a seventeen. And the ugly part is that he may not have recognized her concerns if she said something like, "And you think this is okay for a married man?" which is how a woman says, "I don't think a married man, especially MY married man, should be doing this."

The Lesson: Gentlemen, when women bring up anything that has to do with your relationship, they are concerned; they actively manage their relationships of all kinds, and work the hardest to manage the ones most important to them. Don’t make light of their concern and blow them off, because you then leave them to their own devices and assumptions, which are mainly emotionally-based since it’s an emotional issue and they are emotionally-driven, in lieu of factual information, to try to handle the situation for themselves, and this will never end well. If they were secure enough for it to end well, they wouldn’t have been concerned in the first place. They can easily grasp fact and reason when you give it to them before they have a chance to get upset and get amped up on drama adrenaline, so talk WITH (NOT “TO”) them when they want to talk instead of waiting until they force you to talk.

If you’re not sure how to talk with a woman about something, there are some very sharp women on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, who love to help me teach men how to talk with women. They are very open about telling men what women mean when they say things, what they need to hear in responses, why things are important to them, and all those other “super-secret” things that women are born knowing about talking with women and men have to learn the hard way, so join us.

Ladies, until your partner has been through my book and fully understands how you view relationships and communicate, he will have little to no clue as to the importance of this subject matter because he is unfamiliar with your priorities and not skilled enough at interpreting advanced female communications protocols and techniques to read between the lines. Try to keep your emotions in check and your wits about you, and know that you have to voice your concerns, bluntly and verbosely, and looking disturbed and rolling your eyes as you omit a guttural exhale doesn’t constitute bluntly and verbosely. You must be patient, and spell it out for them. When you do this, they may still not completely understand your dilemma or why it’s such a big deal at first, but will understand that since you’re speaking bluntly when they’ve never heard that before, it must be something incredibly important and you will have their undivided attention long enough to make progress, unless they are just a complete and utter moron.

I’m sorry that it took so much verbiage to get this across, but this is such a shining example of what can happen in a communications vacuum and how easily it could be avoided that I just had to do it. Unlike some, I can’t do things half-heartedly or half-assed, and I hope that you will settle for nothing less as well. I’ve taken the same approach in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” giving you 118 single-spaced pages of solid, tested information (in normal type) when most reports and e-books in the $40 range are more like 30-60 pages of double- or triple-spaced large type; I was advised by others in the industry to keep it that short so I could “fluff it up” and turn it into a paperback later, which I found disgusting to say the least. Download your copy today at http://www.makingherhappy.com and start getting along, instead of just getting by.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A Female Perspective on Political Correctness, Wussification, and Their Destructive Impact on Relationships and Marriage

A female reader speaks out on behalf of many others against “political correctness and the castration of the American Male” (according to other readers this is going on EVERYWHERE!). There is a solution, and it’s a great idea, no matter where you live.

I got an e-mail from a reader who sounds like she’s about as fed up and downright pissed off as a woman can get. She’s got a beef with the world’s over-reaction to feminism and political correctness in general, and is issuing a wake-up call. Meet Gail:

Hi David,

I’m angry right now, very angry, and it might have been better if I had waited to share this until I was a little more composed, but I’ve been angry for months, and I’ve shared this repeatedly with my girlfriends and realize that doing so is not accomplishing anything because I’m SO “preaching to the choir” that it’s ridiculous. I’ve got to share it with someone who can help me do something about it, and I’m starting with you.

My husband of 28 years is a wuss. He wasn’t a wuss when I married him, or for years after I married him. He’s a production manager at a large manufacturing company, and got to that position because he was an excellent leader, strong and decisive, but always fair, and tried to be a good motivator. If he doesn’t straighten up soon, he’s going to lose his job, and he may even end up losing me, if I don’t kill him first!

You see, he went to this seminar that was supposed to help him be a better manager, and from what he told me, it amounted to a pep rally for touchy-feely people and about the only thing he came away from the seminar with was the idea that he needed to pay his employees personal compliments to make them feel like he was interested in them as people, not just employees. I think this is ridiculous, because you show people you are interested in them by asking them questions, not saying flattering things, but that’s beside the point.

There was a woman who worked under him – I call her a woman, but she was a gold-digging hussy just watching for a chance to sue somebody – and when my husband complimented her on a nice hairstyle one day, she went to the HR department and filed a sexual harassment complaint! He spent the next six months being raked over the coals by corporate attorneys, HR consultants, attending “sensitivity training seminars,” etc., to finally get the little bitch satisfied and still be able to keep his job. He’s now been so mentally and emotionally battered that he’s afraid to talk to women, including me!

He used to be so very strong and confident. He walked into a room like he owned it because he did. Now he walks into a room looking as if he expects to be attacked if there’s a woman there. We’ve talked about it, and he says the problem is that the legal threats and the threat of losing his job after 31 years with the same company made him realize what would happen if he were to suddenly lose his job this late in life, and how little it might take, and it “spooked him” as he says.

I’ve just bought your book for him, and if it has everything in it you say it does, I’m pretty sure he’ll be okay. He or I may have questions; will it be okay if we contact you? If so, how?

Thank you in advance for your help,

Gail F.

My reply:

Well, Gail, to say I’m feeling your pain would be an understatement. What you describe was one of my main motivations for writing “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” I’m not an antagonist or provocateur, but I am as disgusted with all this politically correct nonsense and the wussification of both men specifically and people everywhere in general that I could about puke. There was a time when I would have offered an apology if the word “puke” offended anybody’s fragile sensibilities, but today, I just really don’t care. I say it to get the message across, not to try to offend people.

Getting back to the subject at hand, congratulations! I see all kinds of corrective action being taken here. Discussion with your husband and nailing down the problem is a huge and wonderful step in the right direction, one that, unfortunately, many couples couldn’t pull off. Identifying a path back to your husband’s old alpha male (and therefore highly desirable and effective leader) self and taking the first steps down that path are also commendable.

To answer your questions, I read all e-mail, answer as much of it as I can and still remain productive, and any questions and answers that can benefit all readers, as you know, appear here in this newsletter with the senders’ consent. If your husband needs a session with a personal coach to speed up the process he can e-mail me at support@makingherhappy.com, but it shouldn’t be necessary. You’ve made an excellent start with my book, and I’m going to suggest to you that in your case, you skip the beginning material on evaluating your relationship for now and have him start with the communication section. He is one of the few whom I would say should complete the evaluation after he has cured this crisis of confidence; your relationship is obviously on a solid foundation if you are taking this route to try to help him.

In your case, the communication section will help him regain his confidence in speaking to women because he will be better prepared to pick up hints and signals, which will in turn help remove that “vulnerable and lost” feeling, one of the main reasons I put it before the attraction section. Then have him continue through the attraction section, and work with him as he goes through it. If you want to be really supportive, read a bit ahead of him and try to round up copies of books, movies, etc., that are mentioned as good examples so they will be convenient for him. It will speed his progress, which you’ll both appreciate, and the two of you will thoroughly enjoy watching movies like “The Fountainhead” and “Don Juan DeMarco” together.

Speaking of examples, there is one that is not yet in the book that I need to add, and while it is about U.S. Americans (I personally hold all people in this hemisphere as Americans, since we live in “North,” “Central,” and “South America”), it is an interesting read and full of good examples for all men to follow, regardless of where you live. The book is called “The Greatest Generation,” by Tom Brokaw. I never cared for Brokaw’s politics or the political slant in a lot of his reporting because there’s a big difference in reporting the news and trying to influence the public’s perception of it, but the details in this book about the men very often describe heroic alpha males, and regardless of your feelings for Brokaw or U.S. heroes of World War II, the role models found there are effective, and it makes for interesting and productive supplementary reading.

One other thing that I need to bring out and that you need to point out to your husband is that “sexual harassment” is only a workplace issue as far as legalities go. It is a workplace issue because you are compelled to co-exist there for the sake of your employment. That doesn’t give you license to be chauvinistic, rude and obnoxious everywhere else, but that does mean it is the only place where you may have to actively avoid any kind of sexuality, so if you are concerned, contain your concern to the workplace and be yourself – your respectful but assertive and naughty, and therefore FUN self – everywhere else. He just needs to see examples of it being okay to be the way he used to be so he can get back in touch with it, just like most men.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David


There you have it, folks. And it doesn’t have to this way. It’s not difficult to talk to women, nor is it difficult to learn how to read them. In fact, it’s so easy that there are some women on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, teaching men how to do it – on the Internet, using only written text!

If you (Gentlemen) or the man in your life (Ladies – it’s just wrong that I even have to say that, but I know I’ll get a ton of smart-ass comments from you jokers if I don’t! LOL!) are feeling castrated, there is a fix, guaranteed effective, in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” Download your copy today at http://www.makingherhappy.com and get back to being the man you were born to be.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Can You Ever Be Too Prepared for a Great Relationship or Marriage?

A reader reminds us that it’s never too soon to start working toward a better life and relationship, and I provide additional tips on how to get it done.

I got a quick note from a new reader I’d like to share with you. It holds a wonderful lesson for anyone whose eyes are open. Meet Brad:

Hello David, I just bought your book and I just wanted to let you know that it is very insightful. I am still single but you have much needed understanding of the most interesting female mind...you've got to love them. Brad

Here’s an excerpt from my response, followed by additional commentary:

Hi Brad!

I’m glad you’re finding my book useful. I’ve had quite a few readers comment that they wish they had been able to read something like that before they ever got into a relationship, and others go so far as to say that it should be required reading in high school.

Do yourself a HUGE favor and don’t skip the first part of the book, the part on evaluating relationships. That part works wonders in troubled mature relationships to make sure they have a foundation sufficient to warrant improvement, and it also really shines if you use it as you see a relationship starting to develop and do your evaluation as you go in and as the relationship evolves, so you can get out early if you start seeing red flags. An ounce of prevention is worth several tons of cure when it comes to relationships and marriage!

Also remember that the rules for creating attraction are different in the dating world, mainly because your window of opportunity is very narrow in dating, so once you’ve finished my book, if you’re having trouble meeting women let me know and I’ll steer you to the dating gurus who can really help you; most of them are about as full of crap as most of the marriage gurus, selling snake oil and academic theory as if they were solutions, but there are a few that get results every time, and I know who they are and will be happy to point you in their direction if and when you decide the time is right.

Take care, and keep in touch. I can’t tell you how delightful it is to see a young single man taking the bull by the horns and doing his relationship prep work on the front end instead of trying to do crisis management on the back end.

David


Brad has it right. He’s thinking both ahead and “outside the box.” He’s single, but will be looking for a permanent relationship at some point, so instead of just looking for information on how to get phone numbers, he’s looking for what will help him understand women and choose the right one for the long haul. (Remember the old adage about dressing for the job you want, not the one you have? Same principle!) Getting the phone number might get you a date, or even two or three, but being a man who understands women and can converse comfortably with them near or at their own level, and knows what flips their attraction switches will get him his choice of women in a relationship that lasts for as long as he continues to act like a man.

It’s never too early to prepare to succeed, and not just no, but hell no, there is no such thing as being too prepared for success. If your relationship or marriage is anything less than a honeymoon now, it’s because you went in unprepared to sustain it.

If it is at honeymoon status right now, do you know that you know what it takes to sustain it, or are you just guessing that it will go on forever without you needing a back-up plan for when the novelty of the new relationship wears off and reality sets in? Be warned; you do indeed need one, because it won’t. Do you even know that there are chemical changes in men and women at between one and two years into a relationship that stop automatically providing the honeymoon spark? Ask anyone who’s been married more than a couple years where the magic went. They know it’s gone, but don’t know where.

One of the reasons that the average couple who has been married for two years or more has sex six times per year is this body chemistry change, but you can overcome it easily if you know what will compensate for it. And the good news is that compensating for that lost chemical costs you nothing, not even time and effort, once you’ve learned how it works.

So if that spark is gone and even if it’s been gone for years (I got an e-mail from a man a while back that said he and his wife had not slept in the same bed or had sex together in 18 years, they had stayed together by reason of religious convictions, and he had her back in his bedroom permanently the day after finishing my book), that doesn’t mean it’s too late for any of you. Unlike in Brad’s world, where windows of opportunity are very small, perhaps only seconds long, and the window tends to get slammed on your fingers because there are so many possibilities and little or no vested interest in a relatively new relationship, couples that have been together a couple years have a vested interest (“sweat equity,” kids, real estate, time, life, etc.) in continuing the relationship and will only let it go as a last resort.

Hence, where a wrong remark or sideways glance can ensure that you won’t have a second or third date (or maybe even her name and phone number!), a woman will give you months, maybe even years, to straighten up and fly right, especially if she knows that you’re making an effort, not to just do everything her way, but just to try to meet her in the middle on some basic issues, like understanding her when she speaks, being a stand-up guy who exercises a little personal authority, enjoys life with her, and protects her from boredom by giving her some excitement from time to time, all of which is far, far easier than you’d ever imagine.

We’re seeing that proven more with each passing day on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com. The women there are demonstrating everything I teach, boldly and bluntly, such as how important good kissing is, their favorite romance scenes in movies and what men can learn from them, the body language and other signals that they issue and get crazy when we miss them, and a lot more. And when you’re brain has turned to mush from absorbing too much information about women, there’s a lot of fun stuff happening in the hobbies forum to relax with, too! It’s all there for the taking, if you’ll just spend a few minutes to join us.

Being the guy every woman wants is never hard to do; indeed, much of it is quite natural, and the part that isn’t all that natural is still a lot of fun. Imagine, after all those years of telling those jokes about the genie who could build a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii but couldn’t grant a man’s wish to know everything he needed to know about women, you suddenly knew! How would that change your life? No matter how much you think it will, based on the history of my readers, I’ll bet it will still be more than you think, and for the better.

Or maybe you’d just rather sit and wait and let things blow up in your face, like it has for your friends. None of your friends saw it coming when it hit them either, did they? And how’s that working for them, by the way? All that business of having their family torn apart, losing half or more of everything they own, plus getting saddled with alimony and child support – yep, sounds like something every man looks forward to, huh?

Frankly, I’d rather have my testicles pounded flat with a meat tenderizer than to go through that mess. How about you?

It’s never too soon and seldom too late to get on the right path, the path to personal authority, success, and happiness. Even if she’s gone, she may not be gone for good, and if she is gone for good, there are a whole lot more that will be lucky and happy to take her place after you’ve read "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and become one of the few of us whom women recognize at first glance as a man “who just knows what a woman wants.” Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and get your copy right now, or wait awhile and let things blow up in your face and catch you unprepared, so you can see if you handle disaster any better than your friends did. It’s your choice; choose well…

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, May 23, 2011

Getting It Done, No Matter What "IT" Is, Is Great for Your Relationship and Marriage

There are all sorts of things that create or kill attraction, both in dating and in committed relationships and marriage. In dating, unpredictability is wildly attractive, but in a committed relationship, while unpredictability is attractive to a degree (and under several unsurprising constraints), it is far surpassed by…

When I was growing up, I was constantly hammered about character, especially in terms of doing what you say you will do when you say you will do it. "Do what you say you'll do, perform as if somebody is watching even when they aren't, shake hands with a firm grip, look people in the eye when speaking or listening, always be on time no matter what, hold your head up and speak clearly. That's what a man does, Son. He respects himself and is respected because of it." The lesson sunk in, too, so much so that while I hold nobody to a higher standard than I hold myself, incompetence and tardiness are nearly intolerable to me.

When you keep your promises consistently, no matter how large or small they are, it creates the one form of predictability that actually enhances attraction. Normally, predictability equates to boredom for women, and unpredictability in a man provides a never-ending chain of surprises and delights. However, doing what you say you will do in a timely manner, being on time for appointments and dates, and keeping people apprised of changing schedules when circumstances beyond your control do make keeping a scheduled appointment or milestone impossible is a hallmark of good character, personal strength, self-respect, and leadership, the combination of which is in turn the hallmark of strong, heroic alpha male behavior that women find so irresistible.

In addition to projecting that crucial image of trustworthy, competent leadership, in this day and age, you’re also distinguishing yourself from the vast majority of other people as special, because incompetence and lackadaisical attitude has become so prevalent that while we don’t like it, most of us have come to expect incompetence, lack of commitment, and tardiness from the majority of people and businesses we deal with daily. Showing your partner that you are one of us rare men who get things not just done, but done well, and on time every time makes her feel as if she has the “catch of the county,” and when you do anything that piques and satisfies a woman’s sense of competitiveness, you’re making magic.

Another thing you must see is that even the most secure women want a man to make them feel “safe,” that is emotionally, physically, and financially (not so much that she will be “kept” as simply being responsible, especially with debt-management and retirement planning, because of “nesting drive”), and showing such self-respect, leadership, and character marks you as a man into whom she can invest her emotions, energy, and life without fear of becoming one of the horror stories that other women are telling. You’ve heard the stories they tell, stories of men who falsely promised love to get sex, hung around just long enough to spend the woman’s savings, acted like such a great guy until the first time he got mad or depressed and beat her, left her, or just got drunk and worthless and stayed that way. Being able to see you as a man who gets things done is one of those really big things that makes the difference between a guy who’s a fun date from time to time and a guy she’ll give anything to spend her life with.

If you find yourself unable to meet a lot of commitments, consistently tardy, or having things blow up in your face frequently, and it doesn’t bother you, wake up, because you’re bothering the hell out of the rest of us. Ladies, that goes for you, too, especially you mothers who think that having a child or two entitles you to hold up the rest of the world because you can’t get a kid dressed and in the car on time – late is late, it’s disrespectful, and since the rest of us didn’t take part in the fun that made you pregnant, we don’t owe you any slack. So get over it. ;-)

However, if you are indeed concerned and just can’t seem to find the answer, the first step is to make sure you are looking in the right place. It’s not the system’s fault or everybody else’s, or for that matter anybody’s FAULT. Fault and blame are the tools that losers use to evade what you should be focused on, which is RESPONSIBILITY.

When you take responsibility for performing competently and being timely, you can look to yourself for the answer. Am I late because I’m overloading myself, or because I just wait until the last minute to start? Am I incompetent because I don’t know enough to do a good job, or because I’m ill-suited to the task, or because I dislike it so much that I really don’t want to do it at all? Just find out what it is that is causing the problem and fix it. For example…

No, wait. Before I give you an example, I’m going to very quickly answer the question that has some of you scratching your head: “Why is it so important to be timely?” Because when you keep people waiting, you are wasting THEIR life, in addition to your own. It’s bad enough when you can’t respect yourself enough to do what you say you’ll do, but when you tie somebody else up by being late when you had the ability and the choice available to you to be on time, you’re disrespecting them, and interfering with their ability to achieve what they have on their schedule in a timely fashion. Look past the end of your nose and realize that your attitude and actions can have a negative impact on the lives of others that they have not earned, and minimize it. Otherwise, you make people want to disassociate from you at best, and beat you severely at worst – not exactly the formula for attraction, huh?

Now, for your examples…

If your wife is always riding you because the yard work is getting put off, ask yourself why it’s being put off. Is your schedule too over-loaded? Do you have arthritis or something else that makes it painful? Or something that makes it irritating, like a grass allergy? Is it just much lower on your priority scale than on hers and you never make it down that far on the list? If the cause is something that you can’t remedy yourself, then hire it out. If it is something you can remedy, like with a “riding mower” to overcome arthritis or a surgical mask and antihistamines to overcome allergies, do it.

If you just hate doing it, then see if you can trade that chore with your wife or somebody else who does enjoy it for something that you enjoy doing that they aren’t good at or don’t like. Barter is the oldest form of trade, and the oldest form of cooperative problem-solving. Maybe you like fiddling with cars and your neighbor likes mowing the grass. Change his oil and do his tune-ups in exchange for him doing your yard. You both win.

We swap chores at my house. I hate yard work. I don’t mind the labor, and I love being outside. The repetitiveness is boring, I have a grass pollen allergy, and it reminds me too much of the farm work I did as a child that I hated, which in turn wasn’t because it was hard work, but because it kept me from extra-curricular activities and was as boring as riding the lawn tractor. Yes, it’s an “issue,” and maybe one that I could deal with better, but I don’t have to deal with it, because my wife loves to do yard work.

She likes repetitive tasks, likes being outdoors, and enjoys the fresh air and the smell of freshly cut grass. I’m an exceptionally-skilled chef, and I do all the cooking, which she doesn’t like to do. That’s not to say that I don’t help with an outdoor project, like setting a flower bed or building a planter, or that my wife doesn’t occasionally cook. We’ve each traded the ongoing responsibility for the timely completion of tasks that we deem as chores for the responsibility of the timely completion of tasks that we deem as fun and enjoyable.

As a quick aside, I told you guys that anything goes on the Hobbies section of our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, and you guessed it, there’s been a bunch of gardening discussion in there while discussions of kissing, hugging, mid-life crises, etc., are going on in the various relationships forums. We’re exploring chili peppers, Lord Baltimore hibiscus, spinning primroses (I found a great video of their incredibly rapid opening on YouTube and posted it), and I I just installed forum areas for computers and smartphones, so I suspect by the time I log on again, other stuff, too, so drop by and learn something, give us your two cents’ worth, introduce yourself, and have a good time.

Handy tip: When visiting the forum, you’ll notice a button on the tool bar that says, “What’s New?” and it will produce a list of all threads containing posts you’ve not yet seen.

The bottom line is that there is always a way to handle whatever comes up, if you just use your head and think it through instead of letting your emotions interfere or letting problems just fester unattended. And, when you handle things as they come up, meet your commitments in terms of both outcome and schedule, it builds your self-esteem and you are seen and appreciated by everyone else as a man’s man. It’s also an especially effective turn-on for the woman in your life, the kind that she will not only appreciate, but nurture and defend (but if it just stopped the nagging it would be great, right? LOL! Just kidding!)

Guys, there are a lot of small, simple things that you can do to spice up and strengthen your relationship that on the surface may not even seem to have any bearing on it, things that you should be doing for your own sake, or that of your business. When you understand your partner’s needs, both by knowing all you can know about female mental and emotional mechanisms and learning how to effectively communicate with her so that you can be aware of her individual needs at all times as well, you can take a sub-mediocre relationship to rock-solid and hotter than nine kinds of hell in a matter of weeks or even days, as many of my readers have, provided that the two of you are just fairly compatible and have a positive basis for the relationship.

(Having been through a shared trauma like an unwanted pregnancy, tornado, or a hostage situation and getting married in a fit of passion just because you survived it together without any common values, common priorities, etc., does not make for “fairly compatible” partners.)

What do you need to proceed?

Just some solid, tested and proven information like I’ve included in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." It worked for the 118 couples in the test group during its development, and if it’s not working for anybody who’s using it now, they’ve not told me. I get letters daily with success stories from readers, and in fact, here’s one that arrived as I was composting this newsletter:

David,

Thank you so much for your newsletters and your e-book.

I have to say that you have helped me more than you could know. I started reading your book when things in my marriage went south. I was unable to salvage that relationship, due mostly to my spouse's issues rather than mine. I was in extreme wussy mode towards the end of my marriage and have made great strides in removing that mentality from my existence.

I have since entered into another relationship and have put into practice many of the things that you suggest. My new lady friend has made comments to me such as "I really like your self-esteem" - "everyone says you’re a nice guy, but there is a naughty side to you too" and other comments along this line.

I have caught myself at times slipping into wussy mode and have kicked myself out of it. Your teachings have helped me not only in this relationship but with myself in general. I can't thank you enough.

Sincerely,
Steve

I often share readers’ letters when they hold a lesson for the rest of you and can be conveyed while maintaining the reader’s privacy, and this one just happened to pop up saying something you needed to hear, that a real guy with real problems took this ball and ran with it, and he’s happy now. You’re welcome to peruse my newsletter archive on our forum at your leisure for other testimonials and lessons, as well as download my free reports and put them to work for you right now. But…

Your best move right now is to go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and get your copy of this instantly downloadable e-book, "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and get started, because it works, and you should never put off until tomorrow the success and happiness that you can have today. That’s how a real man lives, getting it done when it’s there to do and moving on, happily, not stressing about what he’s going to do next. And come on over and join our forum where you can find people of similar experience to be your mentors and emotional support. That’s why we’re gathered there.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Creating Attraction to Revive Relationships and Marriage: Not an Act, but an Attitude!

What works to create or bring back lost passion? And why do men, when they know what they are doing isn’t working, continue to do the wrong thing, as if they think putting soured milk back in the refrigerator will cause it to come out fresh in the morning? What’s the right thing to do? Big hint: being attractive isn’t about an act, or a series of acts; it’s about attitude!

Let’s talk about why we do things, both right and wrong, when it comes to our interactions with other people, especially those of the opposite sex.

It is said that there are only two reasons people don’t perform, ignorance (not knowing how) and apathy (not caring). Ignorance is treatable, simply by teaching, but apathy is much more difficult to treat, because it involves either showing someone value they haven’t seen, or changing someone’s value system, which in turn is defined by their guiding philosophy. For most people, this is a place where fools rush in and angels fear to tread. Why?

It’s not very difficult to change someone’s perception of value of a particular thing if it already meets the requirements of their value system, because all you have to do is show them how it meets their needs. But when their value system says something is unimportant, you’re literally dealing with what makes them tick, their guiding philosophy, the mechanism behind every decision that they make in their life. People resist changing their value system because if they do, then there will be a whole lot of bad decisions in their past that they now have to acknowledge, and possibly feel guilty or atone for.

Not a pretty thought is it? And the older we get, the more choices we’ve made, and the more we might have to admit to as a mistake. (Objectivists are the only people I know who seem to be immune to this en masse, but that is because we treat mistakes as a resource for learning – a value the rest of the world could benefit from.)

What about when a value system contradicts reality? That’s a pretty disturbing question, isn’t it? Reality always prevails, and people make bad decisions, and then try to blame them on something or someone else – “You just don’t understand,” “It’s the system,” “You just don’t care enough to see it my way,” etc. Spare me. You can hide from reality, but you can’t hide from its consequences.

When I hear, “But you just don’t understand,” after giving someone a dose of reality, I know that whatever follows will be a direct contradiction with reality, and any further conversation with this person is a waste of my time and energy, because their purpose is now to drag me into their fantasy for validation. The same goes for when they keep asking the same question over and over because they aren’t hearing what they want to hear, as if the answer would change to suit them if they ask it enough times. They’re seeking validation of the past, not improvement for the future, and they’re going about it as a child trying to wear down a parent until they give in.

What does this have to do with attraction and dealing with the opposite sex?

For how many years, decades, even centuries, have we been saying ridiculous things like, “I want to be liked for who I am,” when “who I am” is pretty disgusting? (I’ll address approval-seeking behavior in several other newsletters.) Guys, we’re visually stimulated more than anything when it comes to attraction. Like it or not, that’s just the way it is. Sorry Ladies, we may eventually evolve out of it, but for the time being our first impressions of attraction come from visual stimuli. Yours do too, although to a somewhat lesser degree and from different visual stimuli.

Men are biologically wired to be excited about seeing a woman who looks healthy and able to bear healthy children, hence the triggers of ample breasts, wider, rounder hips, which are necessary for birthing and feeding, and good skin, hair, and teeth, which speak to one’s health and physical ability to nurture and raise children. Again, it’s not logical, it’s biological, primal – INSTINCT! Once that initial attraction is there, it is enhanced or diminished by personality factors, and ultimately can be replaced entirely by personality factors, but that first impression is often physical, and if not made by curves, is made by pretty eyes or a striking smile.

Women are wired to appreciate the alpha male, the guy who can take a club and bring down a buffalo or lead other men to do it for him or with him, but for most women, that is only the beginning of attraction, more on a level of curiosity or intrigue than attraction. It makes a man a candidate, not a target. A woman sees an obvious alpha male and wants to know more, where a man sees a sexy woman and subconsciously wants to mate, now, because curves equate to sex, which in turn equates to procreation – our biological purpose. To seal the deal with the man as far as attraction goes, especially in the early stages of a relationship, you don’t have to do much more than walk up to him, or smile when he walks up to you. Pretty boring, huh Ladies?

Ask them, Guys. Most of them are sick of men being such easy pickings; most men are such low-hanging fruit that they’re a turn-off before they ever open their mouths, as their body language and facial expression telegraphs shock that a woman is noticing them and desperation for her approval. Women like a good challenge as much as we do, especially in terms of building self-esteem. A man who is not a challenge is boring, no help to her self-esteem, and often perceived as desperate and weak. Remember that…

Once you have aroused the woman’s curiosity by exhibiting alpha male behavior, you still have a way to go. She’s already made up her mind whether you are a candidate for further investigation, and at this point is testing to see if you blow it. You still have to show that you have enough guts to approach her, which is intriguing, and then seal the deal by showing you can entertain her with a good sense of humor, at a bare minimum; charm, polish, savoir faire, etc., don’t even come into the picture until at least these three criteria are met. No if’s, and’s, or but’s, this is it, stark reality, no arguing about it.

And again (yes, I’m preaching, because this is really that important!), this is BIOLOGICAL, not logical – primal and instinctive, and contrary to some really ridiculous crap that some of you have recently shown me in some other newsletters and web sites, not the result of “social conditioning.” Women don’t “lubricate” or men become erect at the sight of their attraction triggers because of “social conditioning;” biological responses come from biological causes. (Damn! There’s that pesky law of cause and effect again!)

So what do you do to make yourself attractive to this woman you love?

Exactly what I just described! Show her that adventurous, heroic, fun-loving guy she was first attracted to when you met, or even better that REALLY adventurous, heroic, totally independent fun-loving guy that you were born to be, before you were poisoned with all of the wussy programming you’ve been exposed to over the last forty years or more, by everyone from your mother to the media. If she has ever been attracted to you to any degree, it has been to the degree that you did what I was just describing. If you don’t think so, ask her. If you ask, be prepared for the truth, and accept it; it doesn’t do any good for her to try to soften the truth or for you to try to ignore it. Here’s where the problem I mentioned earlier starts.

Many men, including at least some of you, are at this point saying, “I don’t want to have to act differently just to make my partner interested in me again! She should like me and respect me enough for who I am to be attracted to me. Why else would she still be with me?” That’s crap and you know it, but if you need proof...

Imagine the most grotesque woman you can imagine. Seriously. Somebody you wouldn’t have sexual relations with using even an enemy’s genitalia. Let’s say about 500 pounds, dirty, stringy hair, rotten teeth and breath, warts all over her, a nice thick beard growing, and to top it all off, she has an affinity for cheap cigars and Polish Kielbasa and suffers from chronic flatulence, the kind that peels paint, in the house next door. Doesn’t bathe or brush her teeth, or shave anything and has more body hair and nose hair than you. Gross enough to guarantee that there’s no way you’d ever sleep with her? Good. Now imagine her saying, “I don’t want to change my looks and hygiene habits. I think men should get hot for me just the way I am.” Whaddaya think? Up for some of that? No? Hell no? I didn’t think so. Why not?

Because she didn’t trip your attraction triggers. Indeed, she negatively impacted most if not all of them. Now imagine that she was a hottie when you married her and this is what you have 20 years later. Any questions? So if you don’t want to straighten up and act a bit different to be attractive to the woman you love, why in the world should she be expected to respond positively to you when you’ve become lazy, or a wimpy girly man who bores her to tears, smothers her, seeks her approval at every turn, can’t make a decision about anything and defers them all to her, shaves his body but not his face (just like she does), and either uses more hair and facial products than she does and out-dresses her or doesn’t bathe and groom regularly and dresses like a homeless guy or “gangsta”?

In a nutshell, just like the 500-pound woman, the guy I’m describing demonstrates a total lack of self-respect and self-love, and that’s poison to a woman’s sense of attraction, turning every switch off and sending her running. You can’t expect her to go against her natural programming or wiring any more than you could be expected to do the same thing. If you want her to respond differently, you have to behave differently. End of story. Here’s a cool little rhyme to keep the idea fresh in your mind at all times:

If you always do
What you’ve always done
You’ll always get
What you’ve always got.

No, it’s not today’s latest rap, but it gets the point across. Dare to be different, IF different is an improvement, which it won’t be if you’re unaware of or rejecting the reality of what creates attraction.

Now, you can go about this one of two ways, one of which will fail miserably, while the other succeeds every time. You can fail by trying to put on a cool act for her. An act might get you a date, and might even get you in the sack once or twice in a dating situation, but with a woman you’ve lived with for a while and who knows you? Guess again. Ain’t happening. You’re going to get caught being a wuss and the attraction is going to die right then and there, and in the meantime, you’re going to live in fear of being discovered. Now, what if I told you that the way to succeed was far easier than the act that would surely fail? Want to give it a try?

The thing you can do is to simply BE a better man! Learn what it is to be an alpha male. Recognize that this is really who you were born to be and get the alpha male attitude. Be SOMEBODY!

Be a leader when you are qualified to do so, even if it’s just in a conversation about something you like. If there’s nobody to lead, be competent and expert at something; be able to do it and talk about it intelligently, even to teach it. And by all means, ENJOY IT!

Have fun, and don’t be afraid to be seen having fun. Tell anybody who would interfere with you truly enjoying your status as a man, your job and your ability to be competent, or try to diminish your self-image by telling you that it’s not politically correct to enjoy being a guy to take a bloody hike!

Any wussy behavior will fall away and be replaced by the confidence in knowing that as an alpha male, people will seek your company and your counsel, especially the woman you love and live with, because you are what she wants! You don’t have to put up an act. All you have to do is be a guy and enjoy being a guy.

Then, you can take a look at yourself and engage in a little self-improvement exercise by taking a look at the things women respond to, like charm, charisma, leadership, public speaking ability and comfort in a crowd, sense of humor, etc., and if any of these things aren’t a natural part of you and you see personal benefit in having them be part of you, you can develop them in yourself, and enjoy doing so.

You study for other things you enjoy, don’t you? Sports statistics, woodworking methods, fishing, hunting and shooting, camping, tuning up or souping up a car, starting a fire in a charcoal grill, are all things you pick up to enjoy other parts of your life, so why not learn a few things about women so you can enjoy them more???

(Hey, there is a hobbies section on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, where you can make friends who share your hobbies. I also need to mention that one of the “Hot Tips” recently posted is a supplement therapy – which I am NOT selling – that raises nitric oxide levels, which lowers blood pressure and increases the “firmity” of performance “down there” without those expensive “helper pills,” which can also be a big boost to your self-esteem, so join us, because you are missing out on some REALLY good stuff!)

Public speaking is a biggie when it comes to tickling a woman’s fancy, and one of the most fun experiences in my life was joining the Toastmasters’ Club. There were a lot of wonderfully interesting people there who told funny stories and jokes, taught tips and skills, and even recited some pretty decent poetry, all just to get used to being and speaking in front of a group of people.

Since everyone was there for the same purpose, the entire group was very supportive, and I made friends that I wouldn’t trade for the world. I could not have cared less if I ever made a public speech; I just wanted to be able to confidently and calmly address a group, like telling a good story at a party or explaining to a group of peers something I’d learned, and it was great to finally be able to do that. The point?

Self-improvement should always be enjoyable; both achieving it and having it should be a true pleasure. And, once you have achieved it, it’s there, naturally, not just some act to be seen through and discounted, but genuine and enjoyable for those around you as well. Hence, if you target self-improvement efforts at things you enjoy and your partner finds attractive, improving your relationship, and consequently, your sex life, while a most serious pursuit, can be as enjoyable as any hobby, and the effects are forever useful, unlike a lot of self-improvement fads that change with the seasons.

The behavior women are attracted to might spawn different deeds as trends come and go, rather like raising a car door in the future (gull-wing doors) instead of swinging them outward as we do today, but the attractive attitude that determines the behavior hasn’t changed in centuries, and due to the extremely slow pace at which we biologically evolve and given that attraction is based on biological responses, you can be sure that it won’t be changing in your lifetime, either. So invest a little time and effort in your future…

I’ve given you the general lay of the land, but for the detailed map, how to travel it (including creating anticipation), and how to talk and listen along the way, go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ right now, and download your copy of my book “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage”. It’s so named not because it sounded cool or catchy, but because IT WORKS. Period. Get your copy today and get back to being that real man you were born to be because life is too short to spend it acting like a wuss, not to mention being treated like one, which among other things, means being mostly celibate, frustrated, and lonely – a very bad way to spend, and indeed, WASTE your life!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham