Friday, April 08, 2011

The Path to Real Manhood and a Great Relationship or Marriage, Part 3

Well, here we go again! Today my buddy David is wrapping up his observations on the Path to Real Manhood, or so he thinks, and you really must read this!

I hope you’ve been enjoying David’s insights. He was as lost as every other man when we met, but as you can see, he has indeed become a true master. He sent me a journal of sorts, describing a lot of what was going on at his place of business, which he entitled “Confessions of a Convenience Store Manager,” and I’m seriously considering letting all of you read it as well, because he writes well and makes excellent points.

I thought David was done enlightening us yesterday, but not so; indeed, he may not be done today! I sent him a quick note letting him know that he was featured in yesterday’s newsletter, in which I said that he was being so astute and explaining so well that a lot of the smarter readers would be able to home in on the attraction issue and thereby buy themselves some time to deal with the other big issues, like compatibility and communications. He replied:

It's true. If they can't see how this is the absolute foundation of what attraction REALLY is, they'll never get it.

Since before even Aristotle's time, it was considered a fact, indisputable by any rational means, in order to be true to others, you first have to be true to yourself. You first have to be a man or not one single thing you do to try to square anything in your relationship will work, PERIOD. You cannot fake this.

It won't be taught in school, in seminars, or discovered from watching a movie. While I was married, I invested more than a thousand dollars in seminars, lectures, classes, and books. Then still more in counseling. Very expensive band-aids. Yet not a single one got me anywhere but more confused, more frustrated and both of us fighting all the time. When it was already too late, over by a few years, I finally discovered your book. More than 15 years invested, the pain, the doubts only to face an empty house, resentful ex and seeing my kids when she felt like it.

Now my ex wants me to teach her husband! She has hinted on more than one occasion she could very easily be persuaded to start over. It's too late for that now for other reasons I won’t get into, but you see my point: it’s reversible, even after the divorce, as long as you’re still talking at all and as long as no other alpha male has presented himself in your absence, which dampens your chances considerably because he’s a sure thing and she may not want to risk having you mess up what she’s found.

Anyway, it's no wonder so many men get overwhelmed with all the crap out there about this new program, those new skills or doing exercises to learn how to get along with your partner. And in my mind, this is where all the absurdity surrounding what makes an Alpha Male gets sickening.

A woman hates to be bored, and yes it's your responsibility to see neither of you are. That does not mean you have to be Robin Williams for laughs, Donald Trump for money or Don Juan for romance. If you insist on measuring yourself by other people’s standards, you will never measure up because YOU ARE NOT THEM! YOU ARE YOU and should be proud of it!

When you free yourself of all the crap, you will amaze yourself at what you are capable of. When you stop trying to be funny and let it come from within, you'll surprise everyone, most of all yourself! Making excuses about not being funny, interesting, or strong doesn't cut it. An Alpha Male realizes there are no excuses. What is it Yoda said? "Do or do not. There is no try."

Yes, all that fancy crap sounds very romantic. But have you stopped and thought why a woman in a mansion will have a fling with the pool man? The gardener? The mechanic? The chauffeur? It's not his money, it's not about his body. Good grief! Take a look at a plumber sometime, and how many jokes there are about his cheeks showing from under the sink and puttying his crack shut, yet he will inspire more offers than you think. I know. I used to be one.

Why is that? It's not their clothes, their car, or their money. It's because many of them are simply men being men. “No excuses to anyone, thank you, and you know what you can do with it if you want me to be something else.” That attitude of meeting life on his own terms and no others, head on, straight up, do or die. Get it done and do it right. Howard Roark in the flesh.

Read a good Romance novel recently? Many of the characters the women end up with in a hot affair are precisely the antithesis of what supposedly passes for a man these days! See when you finally stop thinking it's something OUTSIDE of yourself that makes a woman want you, you're finally starting to get it.

In the sappy movie Titanic, the lady snuck away from her rich suitor to experience life with a man – a REAL man. The passion in the back seat. Posing nude for drawings. Dancing and drinking with the "lower class." The thrill, the excitement, the tension of maybe getting caught. Boring? Not in this lifetime! She was almost resigned to a life of correctness, appropriate behavior, and boredom. Then she began to live when she met a man who showed her what life could be like with someone not afraid to live it. She smelled adventure, and that was it. Game over.

Or Ripley in the movie "Aliens." She was bitter, hard and cold until she met a man, a mere corporal mind you, who freed her to be a woman again. Someone she could trust to take charge and lead. Then she could relax, rest and finally begin to unwind. If you watch their interaction when he's showing her how to use the rifle, then with the locater beacon wristband. This is a woman who was not afraid to tell the vice president of a corporation to go screw himself yet she's giggling and getting all shy and playful with him. You can see the tension slowing moving away from her shoulders, her neck and her face. The rest of the movie she defers to HIM and no one else.

While there are other issues that make these movies less than ideal, the picture it paints is unmistakable. Can you even count the times men went ga-ga over Ripley? Wanted her? Yet were afraid of her at the same time. Why? All the clues were right there as well for what she wanted in a man. Did any of them even see them? NOT! He was not the leader until forced to. He was not the clown. He was not the loudest or put himself forward in any way. He quietly did his job. When asked to step up, he made no excuses; he just did it. He did not have to be in front to lead, he did not have to take charge of the room, he already owned it. He did not have to shout to be heard, they listened. While the others before him had to threaten and demand, when he told them what needed to be done, they did it.

And if you think I'm telling you that's how ALL Alpha Males behave, you're not paying attention. You will be different. If you've ever watched a comedy program where Robin Williams was on with others, do you notice how they all defer to him? How he can take over the whole show at any moment with never a second thought? He's not aggressive about it; he's simply being who he is. Others try and are sneered at while he is rewarded for it. He is a leader within his area of expertise, an authority. Chicks dig that, and men follow it.

None of these men were perfect, rich or even considered the top of the food chain. Yet they showed enough of what being a man is for the women to enjoy being a woman. Any man can be an Alpha Male right now. This minute. Not when he gets a better job, a better house or a better car. Right now. No more excuses. The cage door is open. It's up to you whether you close it again and live in its shallow confinement or choose to live free as you were meant to be. No one or nothing makes that choice for you. You cannot blame anyone else, dodge the responsibility or worm your way out of it. Step up or step down. Your decision.

Think about it. I see from 40 to 50 women every single day I work. Young, old, skinny, fat, you name it. They all respond the same. I see teenagers, college girls, young professionals, stay at home moms, and corporate leaders walk through my doors every day. I talk to them all and while we may only talk for a grand total of 1- 5 minutes, it's surprising what an impact those moments have on their day.

Over time there are quite a few I get to know much better. And they bring in their friends as well. When I'm off for a few days many of them ask where I am and tell me how much they miss me when I'm not there. I've detailed the other offers I get many times to you in private and I won't go into them here. What I had dreamed of being was all inside me. It took your book to unlock it. I'll never be able to thank you enough.

Later,
David


Wow. Can this guy preach or what? LOL! Seriously, if you’ll notice, he’s just doing what alpha males do: grabbing the bull by the horns, shooting straight, and taking charge of the situation. He has something to teach, something of great value gained through personal experience, and he’s stepping up in front of the crowd and saying, “Brothers! Lend me your ears and let’s fix your problems.” And make no mistake; this is natural behavior for him. I’ve watched it develop. And that’s why I wanted him to help at the forum; I know he’s the real deal and can trust him to set a good example for the rest of you, and I know that he gets things done when needed.

As I mentioned earlier, David won a contest, the prize for which was a copy of my book, "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." He mentioned that he was interested in learning to write advertising copy, and I offered to help him learn. So we discussed my book quite a bit over the course of the next week or two as he was going through it trying to take command of the material to write a sales letter – self-improvement outside of learning to write advertising copy was not even his goal! But it soaked in, and took over. Watching the change in him, even though I was expecting it from having seen it in too many other men to count, was a delight to witness, and you see how he turned out – good enough to be a very popular and trusted member of the cadre at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, too.

The world of women is his oyster, as is the rest of his world. He is where he is because he chooses to be there, and I know enough about his resume to know he could be in a lot of other places if he chose to do so. And he’s having so much fun studying women and watching for that special someone that he’s feeling no pressure whatsoever to commit to any of them, holding out for “the one” is an enjoyable experience for him. And all because he read a book, the very same one I am offering YOU.

It’s a book full of blindingly self-evident facts and truth, and it will do the same to and for you if you give it a chance. Download your copy today at http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and give it a try!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, April 07, 2011

The Path to Real Manhood and a Great Relationship and Marriage, Part 2

My buddy David saw his letter in yesterday’s episode, and erupted with a continuation of his epiphany, which has even more valuable insights that you won’t want to miss, so read on!

One of my older coaching clients and best friends, and probably my top student of all time, Noel, has joined our forum at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, so it’s about to get even more interesting. I’ve built quite a few newsletters around conversations that he and I had, because he has a talent for noticing small but very important details and for bringing abstracts into the real world. So now my top two students, both now masters, have come onboard as supermoderators, able to moderate and discuss in all forums, joining several other very adept helpers, some intelligent and prolific members, and me, and you can bet there is going to be a lot of good information flying around.

If you missed yesterday’s episode, you really missed a treat, so go back and catch up. Today’s is even more insightful and significant than yesterday, as the floodgates appear to have been opened. Without further ado, more from my friend David, one of the aforementioned masters:

THANK YOU!!!

I could tell it had all the earmarks and thanks for further clarifying some of the points, which inspired me further:

Stress basically comes from what? Doing things we don't want to do, feel compelled to do or don't enjoy doing. Being an Alpha Male is who we are meant to be and nature gears us up for it from the moment of conception according to all scientific evidence. We are genetically programmed for it and are hence born to be precisely and elegantly an Alpha Male, nothing less.

So when you throw in the BS of trying to get us to be anything other than MALE, our stress levels rise accordingly because we are doing something AGAINST OUR NATURE! As you pointed out, it is not a question of gearing ourselves up for more stress to save our relationships; it's a question of how much relief we want in our lives, our relationships and our minds.

How popular was the song "Take This Job and Shove It!" because it echoed so many people’s despair over their jobs? When it finally clicks in men’s minds how HUGE a stress it is for a woman to be bored, is it any surprise she's ready to sing "Take This Relationship And Shove It?" because it has all the earmarks of being a JOB now and not a source of pleasure, safety, trust, fun and excitement, or anything positive at all?

We all fantasize about being free. How magic a honeymoon is because you have PERMISSION to enjoy yourselves with no restraints. Run on the beach naked? No Problem! Tickle and tease? Go for it! Get frisky wherever and whenever? Hooyah!

What restrains this behavior at home? It's not the kids, it's not the job, it's not her. YOU have stopped giving yourself PERMISSION to be YOURSELF. You have now become locked up behind the cell door of "expected behavior" and the constant stress that goes with it. Your creativity goes by the doormat, your fun hangs on the coat rack by the door, and your stress amps up as you walk in. You now have two jobs. Work and home. Is it any wonder things go south? Now your relationship and marriage has turned into a job, a bad job, for both of you! And at this point, could life together such any worse? Not much!

Why do we lose patience with those who are not men any longer? Because nobody tolerates a fake. Someone who lives a lie in an attempt to please. Our natures scream against it. We are following our nature when we seek to open the eyes of those in lockdown. Yet they - like a caged bird - have grown so used to it being "normal," they no longer see the bars. It has become safe, and they have become your “comfortably unhappy.” Our frustration grows because we are trying to free them and they don't want it. It's too hard. It's too much work. They’re safe. The constant bombardment of whining wears anyone down. You can hear so much of it before it becomes sickening. It becomes so clear, so obvious you stare in disbelief how obvious it is and they can't see it!

And just how safe is it if she's out the door after trying, fighting and begging you to step up and you keep closing the door every time she tries to open it? She wants her man back and he only wants his safety. It is a fact lions, tigers and most any large animal in a zoo will fight to keep its territory in that little cage even when offered a larger open space in front of it. They have to poke and prod it into freedom. What size prod will it take for men to learn?

D.H. Lawrence wrote a lot of poetry, and some of it sounds strange until you find the context, such as one that was featured in “G.I. Jane” (another shining example of women acting more like a man than men do):

“I never saw a wild thing feeling sorry for itself. A bird will fall, frozen dead, from a bough, without ever having felt sorry for itself.”

I never saw the significance of that until we started discussing this, and the lion analogy reminded me that we were once wild, but now, like the lion, we can’t tell the difference between what we have and something better, and feel sorry for ourselves because “she just doesn’t understand,” and “we do everything for them and they just don’t appreciate it.” Yeah, right.

The question would then simplify to - "Do you give yourself permission to be a man or do you enjoy your cage too much?" Asking someone else's permission does not free you of responsibility. It adds to it. It now makes YOU responsible for your and her decisions because you didn't make them. You may see the responsibility as being hers because she made it. What you have done in fact is make her FEEL responsible for not only her issues, but now she has to take care of yours as well. Now she is feeling more caged by the minute. Trapped behind bars she does not want, did not build and YOU put her there. Any wonder she starts to resent you?

So if any man ever asks a woman for permission as an attempt to be sensitive, what he is asking her in her mind is, consciously or not, for her to join him in his cell, in his enslavement, in his BOREDOM. What woman in her right mind would agree to any such thing? Is it any wonder every instinct in her is screaming 'LEAVE RIGHT NOW!" Or that eventually, if he doesn’t straighten up, she listens to the voices inside and either leaves or puts him out?

Think about what being true to our nature means. One aspect is being able to sense the falseness in others. It becomes easier to tell from the smallest of hints. Women cultivate their true nature as a part of growing up. It builds and enhances their nature to more effectively deal with life and their relationships. Because they are strengthening their true nature, anyone being false hasn't a chance of fooling them. It's also why when they are not being true to their nature but fighting against it as most feminists do, it's harder for them to tell when someone is false.

Understanding body language helps, but when you sense it as a part of your nature, it takes minimal education of its nuances for the recognition to expand.

Is the light of truth harsh reality or a beacon of freedom?

Harsh reality slaps you in the face with papers, storming out the door in anger, or affairs.

The beacon of freedom frees you from the need to put on an act, to pretend, to lie to yourself or her any longer.

And if you don't have to pretend any more, think what freedom that gives you to have some fun again! There is no longer any pressure to "perform!" No longer wondering what will set her off or make her happy. No more eye-rolling, making you wonder what just happened and why you have that knot in the pit of your stomach. It's now simply a matter of who you are that makes her wet just thinking about what is to come.

Her tests are easy to pass because you simply react as a man. You don't have to learn how to handle each situation in detail. You don't need examples. You simply call it what it is, make it clear you know what's up and she'll love you for it.

Maybe that's why there's such a negative reaction by women growing stronger and more outraged at all the dating and attraction "skills" being taught. They find out about them, check to see if you're using them and make it clear in no uncertain terms what they think of you. I even saw a CSI Miami episode where the women were having great fun making fun of and embarrassing men "caught in the act" of “running game” on them.

To my mind it also taints the image of what men perceive about fixing relationships. It's learning another set of skills to deal better with their women when in fact it's nothing of the kind. Like you said. It's about being reborn as the man you were intended to be. Stop looking at it as a skill, an act, a set of learned behaviors you need to practice. It's learning to forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made and realizing nothing would please her more than to see you making mistakes and having successes on your way to being the man she wants. The mistakes she'll forgive, and help you learn from when she sees you actually doing something. The successes she'll reward you with in ways you had no clue she was ready to give you to make sure they keep coming!

Finally it will begin to sink in that she REALLY DOES want you to succeed. It's in her best interest, her long term sanity and safety. She can relax and be your woman when you relax and BE her man. The nagging and carping stop when you begin. Then maybe you'll realize the picking at you is not her trying to drive you nuts, it's her trying to wake you up! Once she knows you are back among the living again and not hiding behind "expected behaviors" anymore, the rewards won't cease.

Oops! Gotta get ready for work. I've been thinking the logical conclusion to this is how misunderstood the picture of an Alpha Male is in most men's minds. It's gotten so idealized it seems unapproachable, when indeed it is our natural state.

Later!
David

Are you getting all of this? Could it be made any clearer for you? This is the way of the world, and if you don’t “believe” it, ask a woman! Ask her what it feels like to be with a man who bores her, a man who doesn’t listen to her, a man who won’t step up and act like a man, a man who won’t lead, and either whines about having to make decisions or even worse, is so insecure that in lieu of leading, he attempts to control everything, including her. I did…

Indeed, I asked a great many, and learned from them. And I taught their boyfriends and husbands, and we then refined everything and once it was all proven, I began teaching other men, including David, and they in turn are teaching thousands more as they live in relationships and marriages that most would think impossible, when indeed if a foundation of compatibility is there, true happiness that lasts is easily attainable. My students are now masters themselves, helping me to spread the word, and you should be one of us.

Care to join us? Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and get started. Join us on our forum at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/ too, and mix it up with the masters, and a bunch of women who are volunteering to help out. Or stay in your cage. It’s your choice, so make a good one.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

The Path to Real Manhood and a Great Relationship and Marriage, Part 1

A long-time reader and close friend goes on a rant that paints a strikingly clear picture of where most men are today and the short, simple, and straight path they can take to true manhood and a great relationship and marriage with a great woman. Give him a listen…


I ran a contest a few years ago wherein readers were challenged to read a fable and glean from it any of several profound lessons concerning getting along with women. One of the winners quickly became a very close and valued friend, and helps me with advertising copy on my web site and helps moderate our forum (http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, he goes by “Think-First,” a very appropriate nickname since he’s consummately deliberate, and by the way, check out the “Hot Tips” forum while you’re there). Yeah, he’s that good.

His command of my information is outstanding, and his deployment of it has been flawless. And his job, managing a convenience store in a large city, gives him a never-ending stream of exposure to examples of what I teach of both male and female behavior. He is truly a master, and he occasionally sends me something that I have to send to all of you because its value to you is so self-evident. My good friend, David:

What if it turned out every man was who he was supposed to be? Right now. This minute.

What if all he had to do to live it was to see it, understand it and cultivate it?

What if the reason he wasn't was because he was so buried in bulls**t about "today’s man," the idea of why the old Marlboro Man ads were so frigging successful, and still are, completely eludes them?

What if being the man they dream of being, the success they want to be, the lady killer they dream of has little to do with learning something new, but everything to do with following our true nature?

How can you know who you are when you are so wrapped up in trying to fit yourself into a mold of someone else's devising?

It seems to me no one buried us in it. We gladly wrapped the thick smelly coat of dried BS around ourselves out of what, fear?

Fear of disappointing whom? Mom, Dad, brother, sister, boss, girlfriend, or wife?

Fear of losing girlfriend, wife, or boss?

Fear of being seen as less than a man while hiding every sense, urge and instinct to scream "Screw this!"

Are we so afraid of being ourselves, men, real men, manly men who do manly things, that we see the coat as silk, smell the stench as sweet, and feel the bloody abrasion against our nature as soothing?

Can you tell I've had to deal with a bunch of wimps and wussies all week?

I was having this nice conversation with myself about how I finally realized I AM the man I always wanted to be. I have spent so much of my life covering it all up with BS because I never learned to trust myself. That understanding was key to releasing all the garbage holding me back and acting on what I know I am capable of. How it was all finally beginning to gel in my mind. Becoming clear enough I could finally see it, believe it and know it. Some may think of this as cocky but would have no idea it means I understand I am not perfect, don't know nearly as much as I want to, not the shape I want to be in BUT I am happy with me. I believe in me.

What brought this all to a head was all the whining, complaining and groaning I've been hearing, especially some of these tough guys, young and old, gladly surrendering the fight to the women in their life to try to make them happy. And no matter what I say, they just scoff like I'm trying to blow smoke up their butt or something.

Has being a wimp to women become so commonplace and downright mainstream for men that being a man is heresy now?

That might actually be the start of a great headline... or a newsletter...

Ah well, to bed. I am off tomorrow and working 2-10's for the next week starting on Friday.

Later!
David



Interesting points he makes. For starters, all of the “what-if’s” he opens with are rhetorical questions, a train of thought for a letter advertising my book that eventually turned into a rant. We ARE already the man we were born to be, and ARE cloaked in a veil of wussy “bovine manure” of dubious origin. And we took it on ourselves by choice. No woman, nor any other authority, twisted our arms and said, “You will be a wuss or suffer the consequences.”

We didn’t know what to do, misinterpreted women’s stated desire to have men be a bit more aware of women’s emotional needs, and turned into a bunch of insufferable wusses that women want no part of because they can’t respect us, can’t follow us, and we bore them to tears by always asking them what they want to do instead of leading into a conversation with at least a suggestion if not a tentative decision.

He also discloses something that I’ve been sensing in myself for a long time now: once a man has returned to being a real man, he has very little stomach for those who are still wallowing in wussdom. Based on conversations with women over the last few years, I seem to have as little tolerance as any of them, maybe even less, for indecisive, emotionally-driven, emotionally-overwhelmed men, unless they are trying to find their way back to being a man. You may not think this information has much of a direct effect on your relationship or marriage, but consider this:

“Alpha males” are what they are mainly because they exhibit leadership qualities. This gets them promoted into leadership positions, and one of them may well be your boss. If you’re acting wussy and indecisive as a result of having remade yourself to suit a woman (which she and I know isn’t working, by the way, even if you don’t yet), you can bet you’re annoying the life out of an alpha male boss, and since he knows how to spot leadership qualities, you can bet that a promotion isn’t in your future. A chilling thought? Spending the next thirty years of your career without advancement because you can’t take the reins? Scares the hell out of me.

And how do you think a wife might respond to it? With respect? Admiration? Attraction? I can assure you that most would respond to it by shifting into mother mode for a while before losing interest and having an affair or dumping you, while the rest would move straight into having an affair and dumping you at some point. A woman has to respect you to love you as a partner instead of a dependent, and being indecisive and failing thereby to improve and advance yourself certainly does not invoke respect.

Getting back to things that directly affect your relationship and marriage, the other big thing that David points out is that since we’re not talking about a reinvention, but a rebirth, a return to what you really are, we’re not talking about adding stress to your life; we’re talking about REMOVING it. You don’t have to put up with your wife being a brat. You can call her on it, as a man should, and in truth, AS SHE EXPECTS YOU TO DO!

You don’t have to defer all decisions to her. You can ask for her input and make the decision, as a man should, and in truth, AS SHE EXPECTS YOU TO DO!

To this day, I’m still amazed by the letters I get from men who are reading my NEWSLETTERS and saying how hard they think it will be to do what I teach, and how they don’t think they can do it. The only thing more amazing is the letters I get from the ones who have read my BOOK and returned to being a man, stating how EASY IT WAS, and how much THEIR WIVES LOVE IT AND LOVE THEM FOR IT.

Okay, I’ve preached enough for one day. It’s decision time. Can you make one? Are you going to continue to bore your wife to tears (and yes, you are, or you wouldn’t be reading this -- go ask her!), and embarrass the life out of her by being a wuss, or are you going to straighten up, stand tall, and start enjoying your life, and allowing her to enjoy hers with you? It’s really that simple a choice. The former is hard, and takes a lot of effort on your part, while the latter is easy, as any man who has put my book to work will tell you. You already have everything you need to do it except the know-how, and you can have that in the next few minutes.

Just go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of my book, "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and see for yourself. And when you’ve turned a new leaf and find yourself being annoyed by girly-men as you enjoy a renewed marriage with a woman who thinks you walk on water, you can write me a letter like David’s, and I’ll publish it here for all the world to read and we men and our women will celebrate it with you.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, April 04, 2011

What Baseball and Bubblegum Can Teach You to Improve Yourself or Your Relationship and Marriage

Baseball players are notorious for letting their “inner child” out, doing everything from throwing tantrums by destroying the water cooler to the ritual bonding displays of their 40-step “handshakes.” There’s an attitude amongst all that which women find irresistible, and that once you recognize it, you can easily live with, because it’s naturally part of YOU, too!


Baseball season is finally here again, and I wanted to tell you my favorite baseball story for men looking to be more of a man, because it’s a great one. (We have a Baseball forum in the Hobbies forum at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, and it’s time for fans to start posting in it!) Even if you’re not a baseball fan or have never seen a baseball game, there is something you can learn from baseball players about being that attractive mix of alpha male and naughty little boy that no woman on the planet can resist. I saw a perfect example at a Yankees game, and it’s been proven perfect by the reactions of several women, too!


Bobby Abreu is a Venezuelan-born player who was traded by the Philadelphia Phillies to the New York Yankees. At that time, he was a very good player, and one of those guys who is always playing like he enjoys the game, frequently cracking a big grin on the field and at the plate. (Phillies fans have written that they don’t care much for him, but was a great addition to the Yankees. He’s playing for the Angels now, and I have no idea how he’s doing.)


I was watching a game between the Yankees and the Detroit Tigers, and the Tigers had some pretty tough pitchers. The game was close, and Abreu walks up to the batter’s box and starts going through the ritual gripping, mock-swinging, etc., that all players go through when getting ready to bat. As the pitcher caught the signal for what pitch to throw from the catcher and stood up straight to deliver, thunder struck…


Abreu was chewing a huge wad of gum, as usual, and started blowing a bubble that was as big as his head, and just held it there for a few seconds, let it pop, and then grinned the most classic naughty-boy grin I have ever seen, taunting the pitcher, who was so rattled by the comedy of it that he had to step off the rubber (the thing at the top of the pitcher’s mound that they brace against and push off of to help them throw harder and more consistently) to try to compose himself. The next pitch was very nicely hit, indeed, crushed, because (according to the pitcher in the post-game interview) Abreu’s stunt had destroyed the pitcher’s concentration and it was a little too close to the middle of the strike zone to be missed, especially by a skilled batsman like Abreu.


I asked some female readers and friends who were Yankees fans about it and the response went pretty much like, “I like him. I wasn’t sure about him before, but after that bubble-blowing stunt, I like him a lot. He’s fun to watch!” Think about that, and let’s analyze…


First, this big guy comes walking up looking very strong, confident, and pretty much swinging a club. Very primal, and if you don’t think it has an effect on women, who seldom play the game, take a look in the stands sometime and see how many are WATCHING the game, often in groups of women! I’ve sat near groups of them at games and listened to them, and some of them know baseball, but the majority of them are there to see the guys in their tight pants swinging their clubs with authority, having fun, and making things happen. Why else do you think Derek Jeter is one of the world’s most eligible bachelors? Look at any picture of him and what do you see? That same “naughty little boy out to have a good time” ear-to-ear grin, and women eat that attitude like candy.


Now add to that the confidence and confident expression of a guy who’s batting very well and an excellent fielder – basically an expert in his chosen profession, a huge display of authority – who walks up to the plate and in open defiance of a pitcher who is regarded to be among the best, says, “You don’t scare me a bit,” by blowing a huge bubble in his face and grinning like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. It put me in mind of a ten-year old boy getting ready to smack a teacher in the back of the head with a grapefruit-sized spit ball and getting caught, and cracking that grin as he said, “Who, me?” in true Alfred E. Newman (MAD Magazine) style.


Which brings up something else, something that may be even more important! The average guy, if he had seen his wife responding to another man like that and was smart enough to realize that he was seeing attraction would have immediately been insecure and started either wussing out or getting jealous and angry with his wife. Why? And more important, why should he NOT?


He would have done it because he didn’t know any better, and would have seen valuable information as a threat to his ability to maintain his fragile fantasy of being enough to satisfy his wife instead of seeing it as an example of something he could do to make things better in his relationship or marriage. You may have a tendency to do this as well; let’s face it, if everything was good at home you probably wouldn’t be reading this. But why should you not get angry, and instead see this as an opportunity to learn?


For starters, another man’s attractive behavior isn’t necessarily a threat, nor is your wife’s reaction to it, at least not at first. Remember, it’s the behavior, not the guy, that excites her; a biological trigger, not a conscious, logical value judgment that makes her respond to him. Most of all, it’s a big clue as to what you should be doing if you’re not doing it! And if you get mad when she does something like this, you lose all opportunities to learn what flips her switches, where if you take note and play along, she feels free to “let it all hang out” and “open the window to her soul,” so to speak, for you to learn all you can about her inner desires and automatic responses.


Never, ever allow yourself to see something that is better than you are currently capable of to be perceived as a threat. It’s a choice, so frame it as a goal, an opportunity to improve, and an example to follow as you try to make things better. Treat the person who excels more than you as a mentor, not an enemy, and you’ll go much farther in life.


I’ve given you some VERY valuable lessons today, unfortunately more valuable than most of you will ever realize; I’d like to think that these lessons won’t be lost on any of you, but the truth is that only half or less of the people who receive this e-mail will actually read it, and a large percentage of those who do will mistakenly think self-defeating thoughts like, “Treat somebody who’s better than me as a mentor? Yeah, right! Like somebody successful would want to teach me something.”


Well, yes, a lot of people would love to teach you something, especially me, if you would just wake up and realize that the world is not against you, and people do enjoy seeing others succeed so they have somebody to swap stories with. That’s part of what being a guy is all about, isn’t it??? We do things, they work out, we learn from them, and we swap stories and celebrate our victories, and tell each other how to avoid making the same mistakes. Has it not occurred to you that what you are reading is just such an effort? WAKE UP!


You will have noticed in your life that not everything you pay for has value; also notice that not everything you don’t pay for is without value. Sometimes people want something other than money in exchange for their effort, and sometimes they want a mixture of things, and money is only a small part of it. I want to see the world populated with real men, because I’m tired of the wuss attitude, laziness, incompetence, and the gaping “black hole” where male self-respect used to be.


I need to earn a living like most other people, but I need to live an enjoyable life, too, and for me, that means meeting and creating men who are a lot more like me and a lot less those bumbling, neurotic, wussy jackasses on television and that I interact with nearly every day of my life. Men are not nearly as social as women, but we still crave the company of others from time to time to beat on our chests, dance around the fire, and tell stories of great hunts and battles.


I grew up amongst such men, and watched them slowly die out as I went through my 20’s and 30’s, until in my 40’s I found myself being viewed as a barbaric anachronism by most of the men I knew and seeing every woman’s head turn as I walked into any room, in any situation, not because I have movie-star looks, but because I was the first “man” they’d seen in a long time. They like it when they see a guy who “owns the room” before he walks in, and they don’t try to hide it.


So a bunch of those women and I, along with some other authors like Shelley McMurtry, John Alanis, Jason King, Ann May, John Alexander and others are trying to turn things back around, because we’re all pretty much sick of the way things are and know not only that things can be better, but how much better they can be, because we help people make it happen every single day. And once it happens, their relationships and marriages quickly and significantly improve, even if sometimes it means they find another one because they realize they don’t need the needy parasite or predator they are with and are ready to step up from a dependent to a real partner and be truly happy for the first time in their life.


So for those of you who do realize the value of what’s written here, whether it was before the ass-tearing or after, this doesn’t even scratch the surface of what I have that will help you. Over 3,000 man-hours went into the research and writing of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and it contains the wisdom of the experience of hundreds of couples, 118 of them in the first writing and hundreds more since. Download your copy right now at http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and take advantage of all of us who are offering to be your mentor, giving you what you need to make your life and relationship better than it’s ever been, maybe even better than you ever dreamed it could be, from our own experiences.


In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Manly Man or Metrosexual? Who Does a Woman Want in Her Relationship or Marriage?

A female reader is displeased with her husband’s recent evolution from “manly man who does manly things” to “metrosexual guy who acts like a girlfriend instead of a husband. What can I say? Contrary to what you see on television, chicks dig manly men, so be one. After all, it’s entirely YOUR CHOICE!


A lot of men have trouble dressing themselves, especially those of us that have no artistic sense of proportion, color-matching, etc., and many of us don’t have the self-respect to learn how to dress and groom ourselves. Unfortunately, many of us are also so insecure about what our partners like that if they suggest anything that they like, we have a tendency to go overboard, inundating them with something they really would have like to see just a little more of until it ruins it for them (think chocolate three meals per day or back rubs that last so long it chafes their skin and hurts) and has the opposite effect of what either of us want: they end up bored and/or frustrated. Meet Nancy:


Hi David,


I love your newsletter. I wish I could get my husband to read it and your book. I’m at my wits end with him.


He started watching that TV show, “What Not to Wear” a couple of years ago because he wanted to look better for me, but he went overboard, got obsessed with clothes, fashion, scents, etc., then came the hair products, then the skin products, and if he wasn’t pursuing me like he does I’d swear he was gay. He has become one of those “metrosexual” men. It was fun for a while, because he’d go shopping with me, and we’d sit and talk about what everybody else was wearing and stuff. After a while he was more fun than most of my girlfriends, but the more we did this, the less I responded to his advances,” and it’s come to the point where he takes longer to get ready to go somewhere than I do and it’s just too much, if you know what I mean. He gets more attention than I do when we go out, at least more compliments.


I guess I should be grateful because other women used to approach him right in front of me, servers were always flirting with him, etc., but they don’t anymore, and frankly, neither do I. My husband was a sexy man until this started, and now I see what people were talking about when I started hearing the term “girly man” awhile back. He was a manly man, and very sexy acting, but I’d remarked a few times that I wish he’d upgrade his wardrobe a bit because the shorts and graphic T-shirts just weren’t doing anything for him, and now, I wish I’d kept my mouth shut. Can you help?


Nancy


My reply:


Well, Nancy, I can help by pointing out the obvious, but you could help him as much as I on this particular issue by simply telling him, bluntly, that while you appreciate his effort, he’s gone too far down the wrong road, and you want your “manly” man back, because while he’s now a lot “spiffier” than he was, he’s just not sexy anymore because he’s turned into a girlfriend.


When you said something about his wardrobe, something snapped and his sense of self-esteem and security went down the tubes, possibly because he realized how bad he looked and was quite embarrassed about it. That could have been all it took to stop him from acting confident and displaying the alpha male behavior that you found so attractive, and he needs to regain that confidence by returning to doing the things he enjoys and can feel competent in doing instead of trying to compensate for a history of dressing badly by seeking the approval of everyone who saw him looking like a slacker.


The main problem with the metrosexual behavior, which you have expressed but may not have noticed, is that the two of you have started doing “girlfriend things” together, and your husband, once a “manly man who did manly things” is now in effect another social relationship (“girlfriend”) to manage. What was once special, exciting, unique, and sexy is now mundane, to the point of boring and frustrating you.


It’s good that he’s “upgraded his wardrobe,” as you put it, but what he needs to understand is that for men, dressing to project self-respect is far, far more important than dressing with the latest fashion trend. The shorts and graphic T-shirts didn’t bug you so much because they were ugly as because in your eyes, he was both capable and deserving of better, and he didn’t treat himself with respect nor project the respectability that you knew he commanded.


Now, if his dressing habits are “going overboard,” it’s likely making a subconscious impression on you that he’s insecure, and looking for approval and enjoying the extra attention. Approval-seeking behavior is one of the wussiest, most attraction-killing things that a man can engage in. Taking more time than you to get ready to go somewhere is reinforcing that projection of insecurity, because the excessive and fussy use of facial products smells of a fear of wrinkles, signs of aging, and aging itself; a man needs to take care of himself, but looking and acting “girly” is a bad move, no matter what action you’re talking about.


Take care, and keep in touch,
David


Gentlemen, it’s like this. Women (at least heterosexual women – I’m not qualified to comment on lesbians) like men. They like being around men, having relationships with men, and sleeping with men – real men, manly men who do manly things. They like having a man define and exercise authority (NOT CONTROL!) by taking the lead in things, making decisions, and exhibiting confidence. Don’t ruin it for them by doing “girlfriend stuff” with them and turning into another girlfriend to keep up with.


Do “guy stuff” and do it with self-respect and respect for them. Most of all, ENJOY IT! Go fishing, hunting, and to sporting events, or whatever “guy stuff” you enjoy doing, with or without them, but if you go without them, don’t go on their birthday, your wedding anniversary, or the day that they told you that you needed to go with them to see one of the kids in the school play.


Yes, there is a bit of a double-standard there, but it’s a good thing, because having her do guy stuff with you lets her see you being an alpha male, the “Right Guard Guy,” “Old Spice Sailor,” or “Marlboro Man” from the old advertisements, and it makes her hot because it differentiates you from her girlfriends instead of homogenizing you with them. Besides, “guy stuff” is often fun for everybody, but women are too busy managing relationships, social circles, and other things to check them out.


In addition, women hate being bored so badly that if you do ANYTHING with enthusiasm, they usually want to watch or join in. This is especially true if you announce that you are going to do it and then just tell them they can come along instead of hounding them to come and do it with you. The next biggest thing that most women hate after boredom is feeling like they missed out on something fun or interesting, or worse, was LEFT out. Indeed, the more enthused you are about the activity and less you act like she needs to be there, the more she’ll expect it to be interesting and want to get involved.


And if she doesn’t, you’ll be “giving her the gift of missing you,” as David DeAngelo says. She doesn’t want you in her face all the time because she needs to think about you, fantasize about you, and long for you in your absence. Yes, we hate that feeling ourselves, but women thrive on it, and especially the anticipation it creates, so let her enjoy it.


If you’re going to be gone for a long time, make sure that she hears or sees from time to time that you’re thinking about her – daily, not hourly like some wimp checking in with his mama or jealous jerk checking up on her. Women like knowing you think about them when they’re not around, which heightens the anticipation of your return, so don’t spoil it for them by calling every two hours with the same lame “Whatcha doing?” thing. And either leave her something or bring home something for her “treasure box;” leaving something is often better because it ensures that she has it out while you’re gone. (The rules and proven enjoyable methods for letting her know you’re thinking about her are in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage".)


Be a man’s man, not a girly-man, and not a pig. Clean yourself up and clean up after yourself as any self-respecting man would, but let her make the big fashion statement when you go out. Her girlfriends will be checking every last detail on her, but only whether you dressed with self-respect; don’t complicate your life by trying to join in that competition. Take a look at the most expensive formal wear and you’ll see what I mean; gowns are as varied as snowflakes, yet if you’ve seen one black tuxedo, you’ve seen nearly all of them. Take the hint. If you’ve out-spiffed her, it will embarrass her, and you’ll find that to be quite bad for your love life.


Being the arm candy is her job, not yours. Your job is leading the arm candy. ;-) And if you do that job right, whether she feels like arm candy or not as she puts on that dress, she’ll most certainly feel like it when she takes your arm and heads out.


Ladies, since I know that a third of my readers are ladies, do guy things with your guy if you enjoy any of his hobbies, like sporting events, etc., and keep the girl stuff for your girlfriends. That includes all the emotional chit-chat over problems. Your man is there to fix problems, not to listen to you milking the emotion from them, so try to avoid taking a problem to him until you are ready to discuss it in earnest and at least entertain suggestions on fixing it. If you don’t like any of the guy things he does, then enjoy the time away and savor that anticipation of meeting up after an afternoon, evening, or even a day or days apart.


Much of being attractive to a woman is a simple matter of doing simple, manly things – things that guys like to do and that trigger the primal responses to manhood. A lot more of it is simply enjoying being a man instead of apologizing for it and asking permission to do the things that men of self-respect do at will. Get out there and do those things! Just don’t mess the house up in the process and leave it for her to clean up. That’s what a grab-asstic teenager does to his mother, not what a self-respecting manly man does to his partner.


Sounds complicated? Sure it does, if you try to reconcile what you know a manly man is supposed to do and enjoys doing with all the effeminate, touchy-feely crapola that we made the mistake of buying into since the 1980’s, from crying on your woman’s shoulder to being her metrosexual shopping buddy (girlfriend!). But it’s really not. I find myself saying to someone, “It’s not rocket science,” all too often on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, because it’s really not. It’s just simple cause and effect. Come join us and find out.


And while you’re at it, jump back and get back in touch with your inner naughty boy and manly man with “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and take on or get back to that attitude and corresponding behavior that has you feeling and acting like a manly man and has her seeing you and wanting you as a manly man. It’s the only way to go – one reader referred to it as “The Keys to the Universe” – and it’s at http://www.makingherhappy.com, guaranteed to work, for less than the cost of dinner for two at about any place that puts cloth napkins on the table. (And if you think that means it’s expensive, think back to the last time your wife went shopping out of boredom, or the last divorce you heard about!) Now get on over there and get it done, because life is short, yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come!


In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham