Saturday, March 19, 2011

What Women Say They Want in Their Relationships and Marriage, Sharing the Details of the Day

To help you understand what women want from a man, this issue is definitely a must-read. It addresses a specific issue and scenario that is addressed more generally in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," the issue of “How was your day, Dear?” and how women want to share in the bad as well as the good like they do with their girlfriends, while men don’t want to relive a bad day by going through it, and prefer to skip it and move on to something positive. A real eye-opener!

I hope you’re having a great weekend. I’m having a blast with reader e-mail. Lots of good questions with good lessons for all to learn, so keep them coming. I’ve had some questions about women wanting to share drama with their men, a topic from my free “What Women REALLY Want” report, and since many of you have apparently assumed that free report was worthless because it was free and chose not to download it, we’re going to go through that chapter today and then handle the reader questions and comments concerning it tomorrow. It’s good, so hang with me and stay tuned.

I’ve promised you statements directly from women about what they want, and here you go: This one, which demonstrates the difference in the emotional make-up of men and women, that a woman’s emotional scale goes from zero to infinity, without much regard for positive and negative, where a man’s scale goes from negative to none to positive, and the emotional upheaval that can come as a result of not understanding those differences and that both scales tend to run in the middle.

What exactly does that mean? What’s in the middle of a woman’s scale? A significant amount of emotional energy being absorbed and expended. What’s in the middle of a man’s emotional scale? Neutrality! Some would even say “boredom;” we say it’s the point where everything we have to protect is protected and everything we have to provide is provided, and we have a minute of peace to catch our breath. Women need to have something going on pretty much all the time or they get bored stiff (their “emotionometer” goes to the far left, at zero emotion), where men don’t mind deviating from the middle a bit on an on-going basis, but the farther we stray and the longer, the more we’ll try to push things back toward that calm and simple state somewhere near the middle, where everyone is fed and protected.

Note that on the “left” side of our emotionometer is the most negative, and to a large degree, both men and women exhibit a lot of the same symptoms when the needle moves to the left; extreme boredom makes a woman as agitated and physically uncomfortable as fear, anger, and pain to a man. See my “Emotional Scales” article at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/217-Understanding-Our-Emotional-Scales-Another-Key-to-a-Great-Relationship-and-Marriage to see a graphic representation of the scale and a lot more information about it and how it works.

Without further ado, meet Alyson:

Dear David:

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! I need some help. I am totally frustrated! My husband and I have been married for a year now. We are happy and communicate wonderfully except in one area. When we sit down to dinner, that is our time to talk. I ask him how his day was and get the standard [one-word] answers, fine, ok, good, rotten...etc. That's it, except when he is having an incredible day and tells me of the rewards. I want to know the good and the bad, but he won't talk about them. If he did tell me it would be great, I would continue to get to know him and how he functions and solves problems.

All other aspects of our marriage are great, he is kind, courteous and an incredible Alpha male but that one area drives me nuts. I have tried to prod and probe and he just says "leave it alone, I don't want to talk about it". What can I do to make him talk or am I going about it the wrong way, the nagging wife syndrome?

Can you help me?

Alyson


My response:

Hi Alyson!

I’m going to give you the answer that you need to hear, probably won’t like too much, but will have to accept because this is just how it is in the real world.

Men of action, achievers, the strong alpha male that women respond to with overwhelming and magical-feeling attraction, don’t like to dwell on problems, they like to fix them and get them out of the way. We learn whatever lessons these problems and solutions present and put the events behind us, taking only the lessons forward with us. This is part of what makes us who and what we are, because it is a huge influence on self-esteem and self-confidence, things which you and all women admire and want in a man.

We don’t like living through these events the first time, and to discuss them as women do, as an accounting of the day and exploration of the emotions, as you no-doubt go through with your female friends, is like living through the problem a second time, dwelling on it, and having that negative influence of that frustration and aggravation eating at us all over again.

It’s not that we don’t want you to know about the day or how we handle problems or anything else. We simply don’t want to relive a bad day and unnecessarily expose ourselves to those negative influences all over again, which can erode confidence and expends time and effort that could be spent in spending quality time with you or doing something else we enjoy, building achievements that we can celebrate with you, etc.

You’ll also notice that your husband does share his triumphs with you. This isn’t to brag and pound his chest; it’s an act of intimacy. When a man of action relives a victory with you, he’s inviting you to share in and celebrate something that is special to him: ACHIEVEMENT.

This celebration reinforces his feelings of strength and independence, and makes him better prepared to face the next day’s challenges. Bear in mind that being an alpha male and loner by nature, a genuine male achiever doesn’t need anyone else’s recognition or approval of his achievements; telling you about it is purely an act of sharing, of trust, and of intimacy, and not to be confused with the bragging of a man who one-upped someone by some trick of cunning or stroke of luck instead of through competently performing whatever tasks were at hand.

All of this is in stark contrast to the female social practice of sharing and even dramatizing everything that happens, indiscriminately reliving everything that has happened and trying to milk every last drop of emotional energy from it, regardless of whether it was a positive or negative event, and hence, whether they are bombarding themselves with positive or negative emotions.

(Gentlemen, you need to understand that they are not being nosey or trying to rub your nose in a bad day; this sharing is reaching out for intimacy and when you just stomp on them for asking it’s a severe rejection, which we’ll discuss further in a minute, and it’s just as natural and automatic a drive as your own drive to bury negative things once they’ve been resolved and move forward.)

Women are frighteningly effective and efficient at this, and I must wonder how damaging this practice must be to women, and how much better their lives could be if they didn’t spend so much time and energy digging into negative emotions and drama and milking the emotion from it the way they do.

Take care,
David


I’ve never seen this in print, or heard anyone discuss it in any venue or forum, but it is statistically ridiculous that nobody in the 10,000 years of recent history has ever noticed this, so I can’t help but also wonder if it’s never been mentioned in public because those who noticed feared the outrage that women might voice at the mere suggestion that negative emotions and negative drama could be bad for their psyche, self-esteem, and by virtue of the chemical impact of stress on the body, their health in general.

Nonetheless, I’m saying it now; I wonder if women acted as men do in filtering out negative influences like those encountered in the ritual sharing of problems, especially those marathon drama-fests where the same problem is iterated over and over until everyone in the conversation gets bored with the repetition and moves on, this would leave them with time and energy to spend planning, achieving, celebrating and reaping the benefits of much more positive energy and influence on their psyche, emotional balance, and physical well-being, not to mention the boost in self-esteem and confidence and proportional drop in insecurities this would create.

This hypothesis is based on observation of a limited number of women, under 300, and of those, the ones who do not get bogged down in negative emotion are indeed much more happy, motivated, and successful than those who do. The evidence says that negative emotion creates physical stress in both males and females. I’m still looking for a way to test this hypothesis on a very wide scale, and if anyone hears of an existing study, I’d like to know about it immediately.

A word for the ladies reading this: Please think about this, Ladies. I realize that the concept sounds like suggesting you cut off your arm, more accurately, like you cut out a piece of your heart, emotionally speaking, but look at your own life and assess how much time you have spent in the last day, week, month, year, etc., indulging in negative emotions to milk the rush from them before setting to the task of solving and eliminating the problem. Then try to get some feel for how much time you spent that you could have spent doing other more positive and productive things, and what your life might be like right now if you had spared yourself all that negative influence and had those extra achievements and decreased stress from less time pressure. If you feel comfortable talking about it, I’d love to hear from you, and would love to eventually do a formal study of a large group of women, but this is strictly for your benefit, and I’m sure that if you are objective in your assessment, you’ll find that you could have done a lot with that time and positive energy.

Now that everyone hopefully understands where everyone else stands on the issue, and the origin and nature of the behavior, let’s talk about what can be done to bring everybody closer together. Ladies, don’t feel like a man is being closed off or rejecting you when he doesn’t want to relive a bad day. Be glad that you have a partner who is an achiever and is strong enough to do this instead of doing what many men do: whining and acting weak and pissy, and sometimes getting caught up in the frustration and abusing you to release the frustration that something or somebody else caused. That makes him look like a girlfriend instead of a man, and kills your attraction for him.

Gentlemen, be aware that any time a woman is asking you questions about yourself in any non-accusatory, non-confrontational context, she’s trying to learn about you, trying to be closer to you and connect with you, so don’t just stomp on her if she’s asking about something you don’t want to talk about. Give her the gift of a little understanding and dignity by telling her that it was one of those days that was bad enough the first time you lived through it, and rather than going through it all over again and reliving all that negative emotion, you would rather put that part of the day behind you and give her the best part of your day, the enjoyable part, and rather than rehash bad memories it would be far better for both of you to use the time to make some new, positive memories.

When you do tell her about things, tell her as much as you can about the emotional aspects of it, the details that let her feel what you felt, and while it is still not good to rehash the really bad stuff, you could share the neutral to positive things with her to give her some part of the day. It may not have been something you thought worth celebrating, but it’s still something that she can examine to get to know you better, and it helps eliminate that illusion that you are trying to shut her out. And if it was a bad situation that you resolved and the day had a successful ending, by all means tell her, because women love to hear how anyone, especially their man, saved the day.

This was the best solution found by our test group, but is by no means the only possible solution. If you can find something that works better for you, write about it, and we can possibly discuss it here. If readers were more active, it might inspire me to set up some blog or discussion forum software on the website to allow you interact and exchange ideas and success stories directly, but I won’t be going through that trouble and expense without seeing that those resources, if provided, would be used for the benefit of a significant group of people, so if you want it, get involved by e-mail and let’s see where it goes. Just kidding! The forum is already open, at http://forum.makingherhappy.com. ;-) And it is a GREAT place to discuss something like this, because everybody who wants to can get involved.

There you have it, the answer to one of the toughest problems in any good relationship. In my men’s book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” men are instructed about women’s social mechanisms and their need to share, and encouraged to be sensitive to those needs to whatever degree possible, as well as many other critical topics and skills in the areas of relationship evaluation and understanding, communications with women, and a wealth of knowledge about attraction, that magical feeling poets refer to as “being in love,” including how it works, how to create it, and how to kill it (like making your partner feel shut out!), which is the beginning of trouble of paradise and the end of more relationships than you can imagine. In case it’s not obvious, these are all the very things that women REALLY want from a man!

Relationships can survive without a lot of things, even without love to a large degree, but they seldom survive without effective communication and attraction, so don’t let it happen to you. Jump on over to http://www.makingherhappy.com and get your copy today, because life is too short to spend it bored, fighting, or worst of all, lonely.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, March 18, 2011

Know the Right Time and Place for Naughty Play to Have a Great Relationship and Marriage

There are times and places for the naughty play that gets a woman into that excited state that eventually leads to sex, and there is are times and places where it’s counter-productive to say the least. You must learn them if you want to create attraction instead of killing it.

There are two very old sayings that a man needs to keep in mind when creating attraction for the woman he loves, or any woman for that matter: “Moderation is the key to all things,” and that old real estate and business charm, “Location, location, location.” Meet Thad:

Hello David,

I’ve been reading your newsletter for awhile, and I’ve picked up on what you say about building sexual tension throughout the day with doing naughty things and picking at her, and sometimes it makes her look at me like I’m dinner and other times she gets mad and won’t talk to me until the next day. Like a few days ago, she was standing in the kitchen and I snuck up behind her and made a slightly lewd remark about her getting my dinner ready or I was going to have her behind, and gave her a playful spank to reinforce the sexuality of the comment, and she grinned and picked right back at me with something to the effect of if I messed with her I wouldn’t get any dinner because I’d be doing her in the kitchen.

But today I picked her up for lunch and she wanted to go to a fast food place because she was in a hurry, and we were standing in line about to order and she asked if I knew what I wanted. I squeezed her butt and said, “Yeah, some more of this,” and she gave me a drop dead look, walked out of the place, and jumped in a cab. I tried calling her twice at work and she wouldn’t take my calls, and when she came home I asked what was wrong, and she said if she had to tell me we had a bigger problem than she was willing to continue to live with, and would be leaving, so I’d better be figuring it out. I’m lost. Do you have any idea what I did to tick her off and what I can do to fix it?

Thanks in advance,
Thad

My reply:

Well, Thad, I can tell you what you did wrong, and what to do to fix it, but I’m not going to make any promises about how well you like the answer. What you did wrong was arm yourself with just enough information to get yourself in big trouble instead of getting the all the information you need plus how to use it, and you humiliated your wife or girlfriend (we’ll talk about that issue momentarily, by the way – you don’t even mention which she is, or her name, which smells a bit of disrespect for her), bad enough that I’m frankly surprised she’s giving you a chance to correct the problem.

First of all, you were apparently insensitive to the fact that wanting to go to a fast food joint because she was in a hurry might have meant that she didn’t really have time to go out with you for lunch at all, and was either trying to be polite or you didn’t give her a way of negotiating her way out of lunch by asking her if she still had time to do it. That tension alone can put a woman on edge enough to make her react badly to a small thing, and this was no small thing by any stretch of the imagination. Grabbing a woman’s behind in public, especially using the language you did, and double-especially if anybody overheard you, is just about as disrespectful and demeaning as you can get; indeed, your average prostitute might even have more self-respect than to tolerate what you did.

Naughty attitude and sexy playfulness is an integral part of intimacy, which by definition, means deeply personal and private. Imagine if you were being goofy, and did that idiotic thing guys do by hanging a towel or piece of clothing on your erect organ, or maybe a sock puppet, something that was meant for nobody in the world but her to see, and she posted a video of the whole act on a web page for everyone on the Internet, including some people who knew and respected you (there may have been one or more of her coworkers, including her supervisor, eating in that restaurant!) to see. Do you think you might want to crawl under something and hide for about 20 years until everybody forgot about it? That’s how she felt when you did that.

The only time that this kind of behavior is okay in public is when it is done covertly, so that it is a shared naughty secret between you and her. It’s the child-like and naughty “getting away with something” element that makes it fun, and the covert nature of the act keeps it intimate.

You took something intimate out of context, in a way and venue that that made it cheap and disrespectful, and now that you’ve done that, touching her behind in any context is liable to fire off a mental anchor and bring back that memory and feeling of humiliation for her, at least for a while. You’re standing on your toes in a cesspool, the sewage is over your mouth and about to go up your nose and drown you. Count your blessings. Men have died for less.

I don’t know if your problem is entirely ignorance, or if it is also born of general disrespect for women. You don’t provide enough information to deduce that, but do you realize that nowhere in your letter do you disclose whether this woman is your wife or your girlfriend? Or her name?

It sounds as if she’s just really not important to you; indeed, you not only omit her status in your life, but her name as well, referring to her only as “her” and “she.” If “she” were to read that, you might find yourself living alone very quickly. Relationship status is EXTREMELY important to women, and they are constantly evaluating and actively managing their relationships, which is what gives rise to the vast majority of the testing they do. And make no mistake; you will NEVER have a satisfying relationship with a woman if you don't respect her, because respect is part of love. And I’ve noticed that men who write to me who love and respect their wives or girlfriends consistently refer to them as either “my wife/girlfriend” or by name, and sometimes both, in their letters, only using “she” and “her” after having identified the woman.

The first thing you need to do in attempting to rectify this situation, which I don’t know is even possible at this point, is to apologize to her and explain that you’ve been trying to learn to do things to improve your relationship and acted on something you read but apparently took out of context, that you now realize how grossly disrespectful it was and that it will never happen again. If you still don’t see that it was disrespectful, you’ve got a lot of personal growth to accomplish (read “growing up to do”) before I will be able to help you further. You might find considerable help with that at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, where there are a lot of people who have found the path to happiness willing to help others find it for themselves. It’s free of drama, judgment, and guilt, and promotes personal development as a man, understanding and getting along with women, and enjoyment of your life. Take full advantage of it while you can.

The other thing you can do is what a great many people reading this newsletter need to do: Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” and read it, follow the instructions and examples, and incorporate everything it describes into your true self so that relationship assessment, effective inter-gender communications, and creating (instead of killing) attraction aren’t just second nature, they are FIRST nature to you, things that you do so easily and naturally that you no longer have to think about them, and which make the woman you love know beyond any doubt that no matter how many men there are in the world, you are the one for her. Do this, and you will find that she will richly reward you with all the nurturing, support, and intimacy that she can muster, automatically! “Making Her Happy” is the key to making you both happy. Try it and see.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Nice Guys, Naughty Boys, and Bad Boys: Which Makes for a Great Relationship and Marriage?

A reader letter sparks a discussion of the differences between “naughty boy,” and “bad boy.” He was a nice guy and lost his wife to a bad boy while he was learning to be a real man with a naughty boy side that comes out to play when appropriate.

Letters like the one I’m about to show you are a bittersweet challenge; bitter because they attest to someone being in real pain, but sweet because they show someone taking responsibility for their life and making improvements, even in the face of hardship. Meet Todd:

David,

Six months ago my wife and I separated because it was just to the point I could not live with her and all the fights we were having every day of our lives. We agreed to part company and get lives of our own. So I decided to work on improving myself in hopes that I could find out once and for all if I was the cause of our breakup as she claimed I was.

The first step I took was reading up on relationships and other vital parts of a good marriage. I read all lot of crap before I found your book and I have to tell you it made the most sense of anything I’ve read. The problems you describe seemed like a roadmap to how my life fell apart, and the solutions were certainly doable. After making some changes in my life I realized just how much I loved my wife and that our marriage fell apart because I had become the "NICE GUY" so I put a big stop to that at once.

I wanted to try and work things out with my wife and to become a family again, but to my surprise she has gone off the deep end. She has been going out with a real "BAD BOY". He is unshaven, unclean looking, and every word out of his mouth is “the f-word” or some variation of it. He treats her like his very own slave, always ordering her around and telling her what to wear or not to wear and acting like he is her lord and master. I know she is a grown woman, but I truly think it has gone on for so long now she is scared to break it off.

What I am saying is I want my wife and family back and I am not afraid to fight for them, I am just not sure how to make the first step to let her see I am still responsible and take my family obligations serious, but I am no longer that nice guy pushover I use to be. Have any suggestions as to how I can get her out and show her the new man I am now without causing this bastard to either hurt her or cause me to have to hurt him?

Todd (x nice guy, and yes, you can print this)


My reply:

Damn, Todd! That’s a mess, and my heart goes out to you, really. I’m at a bit of a loss here because of a few missing details, so I’m going to take a stab at it based on some deductions and inferences and if I miss the mark somewhere you’ll just have to write back and clear up a detail or two.

First of all, you say “separated,” not “divorced,” and you say “family” as if it were a separate entity from “wife,” implying that there are kids, and if that is true you should have frequent opportunities to see each other under the guise of visitation. Believe me, if you are indeed the new man you feel that you’ve become, she’ll notice. The big question is…

…do you really want her back? I understand that you have my book and have read it, but have you been brutally honest with yourself in the relationship evaluation and found that the two of you are indeed a great match, or have you been caught up in some idea of “proving yourself,” “winning her back,” etc., and haven’t inserted the new data into the equation?

If my wife had left and I found that she had taken up with such a man as you describe (and she wouldn’t because she does demand both respect and self-respect of a man), I’m pretty sure that I would not want her back, because even in spite of the power of attraction, a woman of any quality should be able to at least insist on decent personal hygiene (because it’s a sign of self-respect) and being able to form a sentence without a sexual vulgarity before getting close enough to a man to allow the other, more driving factors of attraction, such as his defining authority and exerting authority over his environment, to come into play. Attraction doesn’t happen for a woman without interaction; she must first experience curiosity and then intrigue before true attraction takes hold at a level strong enough to cloud her thinking severely, and she had plenty of time to make a choice.

Also, if you do “win her back,” will you want her back? Will you be able to live with the idea that she chose this scumbag, slept with him, and allowed herself to be treated in this way? And that she exposed your children to him? Indeed, at this point, your best option might be to renegotiate your custody agreement or whatever to try to protect your children from this seemingly controlling predator.

People make mistakes, and can be forgiven, but forgiving and forgetting are as unrelated as love and attraction, and you have to try to determine how often the thought of the two of them together is going to weigh on YOU. You must decide whether you can live with that without feeling like YOU are settling.

Your choice should be about what is BEST FOR YOU, not proving something. Wusses do things to prove things; real men do things to get them done and enjoy the benefit of their completion. Check your motivation, and if you can be honest with yourself, your next move should be self-evident. Write to me if it’s not.

Take care,
David


Gentlemen, before you make the mistake of thinking you wish a woman would respond to you the way this woman responded to this bad boy, think again. You could not possibly respect a woman behaving in this manner, and without respect, there can be no love. The personality you are after is not that of a “bad boy,” as described above. He’s insecure and has no self-respect, which is what causes him to be dominating, constantly vulgar and abusive. And believe it or not, he’s only a temporary play-toy, an oddity, a subject of her curiosity, not an object of her desire or certainly not her love. Who wants to live like that??? Do you want a woman, especially one you love and therefore value, to fear you or to love you in return, to serve you or to enjoy you and share life with you? This “bad boy” character is an alpha dog at best, and definitely NOT an alpha male.

The alpha male is confident. People follow him because the projects confidence and competence, and they respect him because he respects himself. He defines authority and exercises it through leadership, not despotism or dictatorship. And when he’s not being a “great guy,” he’s being “naughty,” not “criminal.” He’s being adventurous, not a “rebel without a clue.” People want to be around him and want to follow his example; they don’t fear leaving his presence or his disappointment. He’s fun to be around when the naughty side shows up, not simply tolerable when things are going his way like the bad boy is. The women at our forum http://forum.makingherhappy.com. have written at length about this, including even small details about what their men do to flip their switches, and you’ll be shocked at how simple and fun much of it is.

You’re smart (else you wouldn’t still be reading this!), so I’m sure you get the picture, but do you know how to become and live as – not just act like – the alpha male? Do you know how to know if you’re paired up with a good partner who will appreciate you being all that you can be? Do you know how to effectively communicate with your partner so that you don’t end up in a mess like Todd did when his wife tried to tell him what was happening and he didn’t speak “feminese” well enough to understand that she was trying to tell him something that would help? Logic dictates that if you did, at least to an effective degree, it’s unlikely that you would be reading this, so do what a real man would do:

Take responsibility for your life, and act to improve it, for your own sake and for that of your whole family if you and your partner have built one. Start by jumping over to http://www.makingherhappy.com and getting your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” because it works, and life’s too short to mess around guessing, wondering and experimenting when a group of intelligent people have already come together, figured it out, tested, proven it, and a guy with a knack for telling it like it is has put it in an instantly downloadable electronic document that you can read on any device that will display or print a PDF file. C’mon! I dare ya… ;-) And for you Southerners, I double-dog-dare ya…

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Retail Therapy, Sign of a Bigger Problem in Your Relationship or Marriage

If you’ve noticed your wife (or yourself!) buying things not for the benefit of ownership, but for the thrill of making the purchase, you have a problem on your hands. Yes, you are responsible, but it’s something you can easily fix…

I wish every one of you could know how much fun it is at times to be me and do what I do with and for all of you. Yes, there’s a lot of stress and frustration at times, but the success stories are exhilarating and some of the questions I get are just downright hilarious, like this one. Meet Kent:

David,

My wife and I have been married for 18 years, and we love each other deeply. However, we’ve fallen into that rut that everybody seems to fall into. We do things together and talk, but we just don’t seem to have real fun or real intimacy anymore. We’ve done nothing but sleep in our bedroom every night this year but three, and I know exactly which three they were.

If it weren’t for our hobbies, I don’t know what we’d do. I spend much of my evenings in my workshop making jewelry boxes, turning pens, and doing other small woodworking projects, and my wife watches mystery and cop shows on TV. Every few days, she’ll get particularly antsy and fidgety and announce that she’s “going out for retail therapy” and come home with a bunch of stuff that she never wears or uses and it just ends up cluttering up the house, and then she complains about it and gives it away.

I keep telling her that she’s giving away our retirement when she does this, and that she should keep receipts and return items that she’s not going to use, but she claims that’s too embarrassing for her. I’m at the end of my rope. Can you tell me how to explain to her why she needs to stop this?

Thanks,
Kent


My response:

Hi Kent!

There’s no amount of explaining that you can do that will help the situation, and that’s not because your wife is stupid, impetuous, or enjoys trying to put you into the poor house. It’s because she’s bored. The thrill of the purchase gives her a temporary rush of adrenaline and dopamine that relieves her boredom for about long enough for her to get home, then she’s over it, and the purchases go into storage where she doesn’t have to look at them and admit that the purchase was a mistake and face her embarrassment.

I don’t see your name on my customer list and you’ve only been on this newsletter list for a little over a week, so I’m going to bet that you have no idea just what a destructive emotion boredom is for women. In a nutshell, as it gets worse, it has much of the same impact on them that sheer terror has on us. Yes, it’s really that bad. I’ve proven it 100% consistently with several hundred women. They have feelings and thoughts of desperation, are almost entirely incapable of logic, and in extreme cases even have physical manifestations like trembling hands and nausea. The good news is that this is something you can fix.

Boredom is one of the things for which a woman looks to a man to for protection; it’s the price you pay for her nurturing, and it’s a biological mechanism, not a logical one. It’s the result of chemical reactions natural to the female brain, and denying it or trying to find a way around it just doesn’t work. The good news is that acting like a man and using a few well-timed surprises and other little things can give her the small but frequent doses of excitement she needs (something so small as finding a Post-It note with a few well-chosen and heart-felt words on it will more than suffice, as an example).

You’ll find all of that and more explained in my book, should you choose to pursue it. Do the math, and I’m sure you’ll quickly realize that your wife does more damage to your checkbook in each outing than my book will do to it once, and the results are not just guaranteed, they’re a foregone conclusion if you use it. My customers have proven that consistently, time and again.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David


So how about it, Gents? Is something like this going on in your household? Wives aren’t the only ones that engage in retail therapy; men can be just as guilty of it as women. But where men can fix their boredom with a new hobby, women have the need to see a man, preferably their man, acting like a man, and to be entertained by him to some degree as well. They look to us for leadership (NOT control), and when we fail to provide it, boredom quickly ensues. Mark down the following as one of the most profound and useful things you will ever learn:

Boredom really makes women crazy. And it makes them crazy vulnerable to attraction.

That’s a double-edged sword, as some of you have found out a little too late in life. If you realize your mistake and create attraction for her to relieve her boredom, she’s swept off her feet and good to go for as long as you keep it up, but if somebody else creates it for her, it is possible for her to turn her back on you completely, especially if she has tried over the years to tell you that the problem exists and your inter-gender communications skills have been lacking enough that you didn’t understand what she was saying, because when that happens, a woman takes it that you don’t care to hear her, not that you can’t do it. Why?

Because she thinks that you speak and listen the same way she does, just as you think that she speaks and listens the same way you do, and no matter how much you want it to be that way, it just isn’t so. Both of you can easily learn the other’s natural communication style and quickly come to terms (you can easily communicate accurately with a woman by following three simple rules you’ll find in my book), but you do have to learn them and then use what you have learned.

That doesn’t take a staggering intellect; just a genuine desire. Our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, is replete with the proof that it’s not rocket science, Gentlemen; it’s women. They make up a little more than half the world’s population, and if it were that difficult, our species would have been extinct long ago – they are, after all, HUMAN, just like us. But the knowledge you need has been ignored and even buried for so long that you never got the opportunity to learn it.

Instead, you had a bunch of idiots with a misandrous socio-political agenda telling you that to make a good impression on a woman you take her to a chick flick and cry with her, and you spend more on clothing and skin care products than she does. And you’re supposed to be nice and let her make all the decisions, like Mom said, right? Oh, and let’s not forget that absurd business about buying their love with expensive jewelry and other gifts, or impressing them with big money and expensive cars. A bunch of pure, unadulterated B.S., or “bovine fecal matter” as we used to say in the service, especially that last bit; women have told me personally that expensive gifts presented to try to buy their affection are insulting, and they will take them and then abuse the man to get back at him for insulting her.

So what’s going on at your house? Maybe your wife isn’t indulging in senseless shopping sprees, but is she happy? Fun? Engaged in your life and happiness? Or is she acting as bored, frustrated, and confused as you may be right now as you read this? Or would you even know?

Why take the chance? If you were hit with a divorce right now, what do you think it would cost you, in both financial and non-financial terms? Most of the men who write to me to say that they desperately need help because their wife just filed for divorce also say that they didn’t know that there was even a problem, so yes, that’s a fair question that you really need to answer.

Now, for a bigger question: If you could read a book that could mitigate some or all of that cost, especially the emotional cost of having that divorce bomb dropped on you, and put you back into a happy relationship, or get you out of a relationship or marriage that you never should have entered with some dignity and finesse, not to mention having a friend for an ex-wife instead of someone waiting around every corner to stick a knife in your back, would you read it?

When I had to answer that question, there wasn’t even a book to read. I had to write one! Everything I bought, studied and tried blew up in my face and made matters worse, and doing enough research and testing to be able to write my own book ended up being what was required to save the marriage. But you don’t have to write a book.

You can read mine; indeed, you can start reading it in the next few minutes. Just go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." You’ll see what I mean, and you can thank me for it when you’re done. For now, just get started! The longest journey ever completed started with a single step, and for you, this is the one.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Flirting: Dying Art and Key Ingredient to a Great Relationship and Marriage

Do you flirt with your partner? If not, it’s no wonder she’s bored! Flirting is the gateway to attraction, fun and excitement, and in a woman’s eyes, a mark of a real man!

Before we start, I’d like to remind everyone that our forum (
http://forum.makingherhappy.com) has been open now for a year, and I noticed that, as seems to be the norm for forums, a minority are posting. The few who have posted have said some truly useful things and/or presented problems that led to others posting very useful things, so you really need to join us.

I’d also like to point out that forums are often an excellent example of “what not to do” as a guy. Need I point out that it is this very kind of timid, wait-for-somebody-else-to-lead attitude that has gotten most of you into your relationship problems and the very reason you are here is to overcome it?

I’ll also point out that the easiest way to get over being timid around people you know is to talk with strangers. They don’t know you, and in an anonymous environment like a forum, they can’t meet you or know anything about you if you don’t tell them, so you have nothing to lose by just diving in, introducing yourself to the group, and striking up a conversation. That’s why groups like Toastmasters are so popular. You don’t have to know anybody, don’t have to use your real name unless and until you’re ready, and don’t have to disclose anything about yourself. You just stand up and talk about whatever you want to talk about, and grow comfortable as you do so.

So why wait for everyone else to do it before you join in? Why not distinguish yourself as a leader by being among the first? I hear a lot of people using the term “baby steps,” and it makes me a little nutty because I’m a “grab it and growl” kind of guy, but THIS is a perfect “baby steps” type of opportunity to start turning a new page and taking a little initiative. Now get in there and get on the stick. I spent about four months putting it together, and those of us participating have spent months populating it with useful information, so you can at least spend a few minutes introducing yourself and exploring.

I also want to remind everybody that my free Break-up Busting 101 course is still available at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/144-Free-Reports!, so get it and pass it around before I take it offline. If you haven’t read it, I strongly suggest you do so, because the primary causes of break-ups are not affairs and other problems; those are merely symptoms of other underlying problems, like boredom and gross incompatibility.

Knowing how these root causes of problems work and how to cure them can keep you out of trouble even easier than they can get you out of trouble, and spending a half-hour or so to read that report is definitely worth everyone’s while. And my free and highly-informative “What Women REALLY Want” report is still available, too, at the same link as the other one I just offered you.

Today, we’re going to talk about a dying (and for the vast majority of you reading this, DEAD) art, flirting. In a world seemingly bent on instant gratification, speed dating and speed seduction techniques appear to have supplanted good old fashioned conversation and flirting in the dating world, and believe it or not, that’s a bad thing, and losing the knack of flirting in a committed relationship or marriage is even worse, an invitation to absolute disaster! Why?

Flirting is a series of steps before seduction. It ranges from general poking and chiding a woman to get her smiling to a playful way of ambiguously using naughty but nebulous innuendo to ease into seduction later. Joking about “floppy drives and hard drives” in a way that can be construed as talking about arousing a man instead of speaking directly of the arousal is a good example. But why is it so important and why would you want to do it with your wife or girlfriend of many years?

For the same reason you would want to do it if you were single! First, flirting is extremely complimentary without being a wussy, kiss-ass kind of maneuver. It says, “I noticed you, and want to have fun with you.” Women live for stuff like that to break up or escape the boredom of their lives, and appreciate it when ANYBODY does it for them. So if you’re not the top flirt in her life, you can bet that somebody else will be applying for the position whether she awards it to somebody else or not.

Do you want to take that chance, especially when neutralizing that risk requires you only to do something that’s totally fun and leads to a “heated exchange” (damned spam filters! LOL!) in the bedroom? I should think not!

(You will see me mentioning female boredom until you’re sick of hearing it, but it is a HUGE problem. It’s one that we were never told about growing up and one that some women think we already know about while others don’t realize it themselves, so you need to be an expert in identifying and fixing it if you want to get along well with women, let alone live happily with one or more of them.)

Second, it can be used to transition from almost any mental state to a playful mood, which is extremely beneficial in everything from diffusing a fight to waking up your partner’s “urges,” since the leap from flirting to seduction is a simple transition from ambiguously naughty to directly naughty.

Even without seduction as the end game, flirting is still a most-excellent chance for your inner child to come out and play with her inner child. That’s how you have intimate fun that is non-sexual in nature, the adult version of “child’s play,” and don’t let anyone tell you that playing with your wife is silly or unnecessary. If the two of you can’t play together, you’ll find out at some point that you can’t live together, either.

If you’re not flirting with your girlfriend or wife, you’re causing both of you to miss out on a whole lot of fun, both inside and outside the bedroom. It is truly the gateway to fun and excitement, and one of the easiest ways in the world to stir up attraction if done correctly, and in case you haven’t heard, it’s attraction, not love, that keeps the sheets warm, worn and wrinkled; love is what keeps you sleeping on the same sheets and talking the next morning. (And again, the relationship emotions are often very misunderstood, thanks to programming and poetic liberties, and you can get the facts and truth concerning them in that free “Break-Up Busting 101” report I mentioned earlier.)

Relationships start going stale and sour when things like flirting and naughty play start to wane. Maybe you got lazy, maybe you got stressed out, maybe you forgot how, or maybe you just did it naturally at that time and really didn’t understand how important it was and what it was that you were doing that really flipped her switches. Check with some of the men on our forum if you have any doubt at all about the damage that is done when you fail play with your wife on a daily basis. It can get really bad, especially if she enters mid-life crisis, but in most cases, it’s fixable, as long as you’ve not let it go so far that another man has created attraction within her.

What you need to know is waiting for you in my e-book, "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," which you can easily download right now at http://www.makingherhappy.com, and start reawakening fun and excitement that neither of you have felt in too long. Or maybe you’d like to waste a few more years of your life waiting for things to get better on their own? They don’t just get better; you have to DO SOMETHING about them to MAKE THEM BETTER, and this is your best shot, so take it.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Right Attitude To Be a Happy Man In a Great Relationship or Marriage

My favorite motivational poem, which projects the true spirit of the unconquerable alpha male, who does takes both action and full responsibility for his actions, and how the confident attitude it projects will make you absolutely ooze attraction. AND! An announcement about the makingherhappy.com forum: It’s been up for a year now, and for the foreseeable future, it’s going to remain free.


Our forum has been open at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/ since March of last year, and we seem to have all the kinks out of it, have it secured from hackers, spammers, and pranksters, and have a LOT of great information on it, but we don’t yet have the size of a user community I want to have before activating the subscription feature. So all access to all areas is still free to all registered members until I’m satisfied that it’s big enough, which will probably be after we cross the thousand-member threshold. After that, you’ll find the subscription prices lower than you could imagine for what you’ll be receiving, for reasons also explained when you get there.

Registration is free and for your protection, and your privacy is both respected and guarded, as you will see when you reach the site, and you can read all you want as an anonymous guest, but as part of our system of protecting you from spammers and other ne’er-do-wells, everyone who wants to post must register, but as with e-mail addresses for the newsletter, no information is shared with anyone unless compelled by court order. Registration enables other benefits for you, like RSS feeds, post notifications in your favorite threads by e-mail and Facebook Connect, so don’t be shy and miss out -- join us!

There’s something there for everyone, including women and singles. That’s right, singles. Women have been writing to me asking to meet men who have been through my program, and divorced men have been asking for help in easing back into the dating world, and it’s there, waiting for you, along with live chat in both a chat room and person-to-person chat, personal blogging, Facebook-style profile pages, photo albums to share, and a lot more. I’ve posted a lot of articles related to dating and single life, including how to screen dates for the purpose of a happy long-term relationship or marriage, so if you haven’t joined yet, now is the time.

I also have another special treat for you, my favorite motivational poem of all time. Many of you may have read it, but I’ve met few who ever gave it serious study and consideration. And that’s a shame, when you see what it holds for you that could help a man, relationship and marriage.

Most people remember and even quote that last line or two, but few remember their origin and have never really studied the poem, trying to live the part of the main character, and exploring and adopting the attitude expressed. Read it carefully, once for understanding of what the character is saying, and then a second time to try to feel what they are feeling, and we'll discuss it and how it relates to your relationship and building attraction afterward.



Invictus
By W.E. Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods there be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced or cried aloud;
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this vale of doubt and fear
Looms but the terror of the Shade
And, yet, the passing of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the Master of my Fate,
I am the Captain of my Soul.



So let’s dig into this, deeply, and see what Henley knew about being a man and how that might help you get your life and relationship or marriage back on track. To make sure you get the context, “Invictus” is "soliloquy," defined in "The American Heritage Dictionary" as “A dramatic or literary form of discourse in which a character reveals his or her thoughts when alone or unaware of the presence of other characters." He’s not trying to impress anyone; he’s alone and thinking or speaking only to himself.

Speaking of gender, we don't know whether the character is a man or woman, but everyone assumes it is a man when they read it, because the feeling generated is that typical of an alpha male - independent, strong, railing against the storm so to speak. He is in complete darkness, according to the first paragraph, possibly in a prison or dungeon cell, or in an apartment or bedroom, utterly alone and celebrating his own sense of self and character. In the second stanza, he says that no matter what has happened to him, he's taken it and moved on.

He's been beaten up, but not beaten down, and certainly not beaten into submission. In the third stanza, rather reminiscent of Psalm 23 of the Christian Bible ("vale of doubt and fear" is identical allegory to "valley of the shadow of death," "the terror of the Shade" being the angel of death or god of the underworld, as in the first stanza we see that Henley's character is religious, but not Christian, as his “gods” are unidentified and existence questioned – “whatever gods there be”), he says that life is uncertain, and the afterlife possibly more so, yet he has no concern for that.

He goes on in the fourth saying that it matters not how he is judged ("how straight the gate" is an allusion to several different versions of Heaven and Hell, and “the scroll” is the judgment of his life) because he lived his life making his own choices, and is perfectly prepared to accept the consequences of those choices. His world and his choices are simply, utterly, and relentlessly, his own.

Why? Is it ego? Conceit? Hardly. Ego and conceit are not signs of confidence, but of a lack thereof, the leper's bell of someone lacking self-esteem and trying to fake it. This character has simply chosen to command his own life, to do with it the best he can, to accept all challenges to his life and well-being, and if he is to lose a battle, he will regroup, re-engage, and ultimately win the war.

What image does this paint for you? A sniveling, craven little wuss huddled in a corner of a dark room? I should say, "not just no, but hell no!" A man standing straight, tall, shoulders back, feet at shoulder width, head held high, ready for action; he may not own the world, but he certainly commands what part of it is around him. So blatantly heroic an image that it's not hard for a cape whipping in the breeze to enter the picture if you're not careful.

Why do I bother going through all of this about a poem? Wake up, gentlemen! This is the guy every woman wants her partner to be! At the very least, it is the image of him that she wants to hold, strong, confident, moving through the world with a purpose that is his own, in command (not CONTROL, mind you!) and in demand. Do you want to know one of the best-kept secrets in all of existence? Every one of us is born this way!

Really! Look at small children. They try to do things assuming that they will succeed. They don’t jump off the back of the couch and land face-first on the floor because they’re stupid; it’s because they’ve not yet learned that there are things that are impossible. Unfortunately, as they grow older, they learn a lot more than the simple physics of gravity, inertia, and motion that would keep them from jumping off the couch and busting their face again.

It is failure that they (we!) learn, and which plagues us all for the rest of our lives if we let it. The operational phrase there is "if we let it." It's a choice. Failure of any kind is a choice, a choice to be defeated instead of a choice to learn all we can, give something our best effort, and if it doesn't work out, to acknowledge that it required more resources - whether time, money, energy, relationships, or whatever - than we were able to muster, and to make course corrections so that we continue the journey toward something desirable. No matter what the outcome of any endeavor, it is only a failure if we choose to declare it so, and choose to be a loser or victim instead of a contender and survivor. And as long as a man truly gives something his best effort, he cannot fail; the only failure is to fail to rationally address an issue and meet it with whatever he can reasonably muster.

Do you realize that humans are the only species on Earth with the power of volitional choice - the power to think and choose everything, instead of simply growing to the point of being able to survive and then having all development stop? Intellect allows us to reach a point of being able to survive, then surpass that point and flourish, improving our standard of living, and possibly that of others around us and in generations to come. We are the top of the food chain for that reason and none other. Contrary to popular belief, being human isn't something for which one should apologize (..."I can't help it. I'm only human..."), it's something to which one should aspire! (Be a REAL man! Or be a REAL Woman! I think, therefore I succeed!)

Those whom women find the most attractive are those who have aspired to be and finally became supremely human men, the alpha male - the strong, confident male, able to make logical decisions, formulate successful plans, and carry them out with all the confidence in the world that he can do just that, who looks not at his feet, but at the horizon, and onward to the next world he is to master. Be that man; it's your choice, and her dream. Make both of you happy. If you have to, print this poem and put it where you can read it while you shave every morning. (Yes, EVERY morning! Real men have more self-respect than to run around with two-day old stubble on their face and “bed hair” trying to look like a thug or a flake, no matter what might be “in style”!) Memorize it, and recite it several times throughout the day. Get it done.

It’s time to take charge, and make the world your own. She'll notice. It’s not an act. It’s a matter of first learning how things work and what the best behavior is, then toning down your bad behavior while enhancing the good behavior, and then adding to the good behavior with other traits that you can enjoy having and she will enjoy seeing. There’s a full explanation of all of this and an effective training seminar to help you put it all to work in a natural, stress-free manner, in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” so download it now at http://www.makingherhappy.com. Go ahead, do it now, and start living the “unconquered” life, because life is too short to live it otherwise.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Wusses Are Boring and Non-Wusses Are Mean? Untangling Conflicting Signals in Relationships and Marriage

The Great Female Contradiction (being a wuss is boring, but being a non-wuss is mean), and how to deal with it to have a happy relationship and marriage.

It’s always an interesting morning when the “mailbag” (my e-mail inbox) contains several concerns over accusations of sounding “mean.” This is a point that every man and woman who is going through a relationship makeover needs to understand. It’s covered in detail in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” but I’m going to give you a crash course right now so you’ll know what it’s about and that it can be handled without bloodshed and is actually an incredibly good sign that you are doing the right things and your efforts are paying off.

Meet Scott D., who seems to do the best job of succinctly stating the problem:

Hi David,

I bought your book and signed up for your newsletters almost a month ago, and I must tell you that I am pretty impressed with both the writing and the results I am seeing. I am not accustomed to someone writing to me in the same style and tone as if we were just sitting and talking, and it has made it both an enjoyable read (my wife calls you “her favorite smart-ass”) and a huge help in recognizing past mistakes and correcting them. The change in my wife is noticeable. As I get more ballsy and playful, she gets more sexy and playful. But, there is something I have to ask you about.

Sometimes when she is “being a brat” (I would have never thought of her pouty, whining, demanding behavior that way before reading your book) and I bust on her to let her know that she needs to grow up and lighten up she says that I am “just mean.” She says it kind of sheepishly with a hint of both a pout and a smile, like she has been caught off-guard (or with her hand in the cookie jar) and a bit embarrassed, but I can not help but wonder if she is hinting at something that I am not picking up on and if I am setting myself up to be punished for something if I do not catch on soon, so I am asking you, straight up, what is going on? Please respond, because things are going so well that I would hate to blow it over missing a signal.

Take care, and thanks!
Scott D.

My reply:

Well, Scott, congratulations on taking control of your life and working for the results and the life you want! You’re not missing anything. You’ve caught her in a somewhat juvenile attention-getting ploy, and she’s a little embarrassed because she’s not used to you (or any man) “getting it” – knowing that she’s being a brat and not wussing out and surrendering control to her. It sometimes makes them a bit uncomfortable until they get used to the new, “alpha male” you. It’s no big deal, and don’t dwell on it and make it one. [She sees it, is surprised, tests to see if it’s real, finds out that it is, sexes up and lives happily ever after. One of my favorite stories.] And whatever you do, don’t “explain it to her.” That makes it seem like an act and steals the magic away.

We’re all a bit resistant to change, even when it’s for the better. She doesn’t want you to be a wuss, and she doesn’t want to be in total control (at least not if she’s not emotionally damaged from some prior trauma). Women want to know if we are real men, ready and able to lead and protect, or really are just wusses pretending to be real men until we have them hooked into some kind of complicated commitment like marriage or a mortgage. They’re not trying to take control, and not trying to make us wusses, but all the testing can eventually perpetuate the result she doesn’t want, because we can get either tired of the testing or insecure about it and wuss out if we don’t know what’s going on or aren’t pure in our desire to be a man and live happily as such.

This is really important for both sexes to understand, and I will probably die preaching this sermon. The tests make it look like they want us to wuss out, and since the testing stops when we finally do, it appears that we get rewarded with a discontinuation of the minor abuse that constitutes the test, so we somewhat logically but incorrectly deduce that we gave them what they wanted. It’s incorrect because we didn’t know some things that needed to go into the equation before logic could work, starting with “no woman wants to live with (again, unless she’s severely damaged) a wuss that gives into her every whim.”

In the end, years of testing and having you and other men wuss out on her have created a habit of feeling in control. She just needs to break the habit so she can fully enjoy the rush she gets from being attracted to you again. You will never, EVER chase a woman off by making her feel attraction, unless she’s so insecure or emotionally scarred that she equates attraction with abuse or some other trauma and runs from it.

While we are on the subject, if she hooked up with you while in this damaged state, there are several things you can be sure of: she was never attracted to you, doesn’t want to be attracted to you, was and is probably using you as a safe haven from men she would be attracted to, and most likely will run like hell if she starts feeling attraction for you. Logic leaves no alternatives. You can let her run, or try to hang with her while she fixes it; be advised that people who are damaged that badly seldom fix it, even with love and lots of therapy, so if you decide to hang with it, establish some sort of time table and performance criteria so that you don’t waste your whole life waiting for the impossible.

Take care,
David


Make no mistake, attraction is biological, not logical, so virtually all women seek it and respond to it. Indeed, a woman’s first criteria in evaluating a man is this rule: “If you can’t stand up TO me, you can’t stand up WITH me or FOR me;” ask the women on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com if you think otherwise. But don’t sweat it. If you do what men are born to do, it happens quite naturally, and once it happens, many women will literally kill to protect that feeling, so you can imagine what an effect it has on a committed relationship, and how destructive its loss can be as well.

To know all you need to know about attraction, communication, compatibility, evaluation, and many other things that are crucial to a life-long happy relationship, go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” and see how you can kick your relationship up to notches unknown to humankind!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham