Saturday, February 19, 2011

What Is Your Body Language Saying About You, Especially to Your Partner in a Relationship or Marriage?

Experts say over 90% of all communication is non-verbal, much of that through body language. Women are generally far better at reading body language than men; what is your body language saying to her, especially about you?

I was watching the news once and a politician was talking about how a new project was going to do so much for the area’s economy, and his body language said he was lying his ever-loving ass off! His eye-blink rate changed radically when he talked about benefits to local taxpayers and local businesses, and kept touching his nose and blinking even faster as he talked about how critical the project was and how everyone would see its worth in the very near term.

He also looked away from the interviewer when this aberrant behavior started, kept shifting his body posture into a guarding position or a selling position, etc. He’s new, and apparently he can’t yet afford the really good handlers that train politicians to lie with a straight face and keep their body language from giving away their unspoken thoughts.

No matter what is coming out of your mouth, your body language tells what’s on your mind. What is your body language saying about you, especially to the woman in your life? I’ll guarantee you that if you’re feeling bad about yourself, it’s telling the tale without you saying a word, and even if you and your guy friends don’t pick up on it, the women around you, especially the one you love, certainly will, even if only subconsciously (they’re wired for it, but we’re not). It can be an attraction maker or an attraction breaker, and you need to choose carefully…

For instance, if you’ve been having a hard time at work and are letting it get to you, there’s a good chance that you are no longer standing straight and tall. Your shoulders are slumping and you’re looking at your feet as you walk, among other things. How does the woman you love react to this? (Or the people around you?)

From an attraction stand-point, she will react badly. There’s no other way to describe it. Even if she kicks into nurturing mode to try to be supportive, nurturing mode can easily and quickly evolve into a mothering mode, especially if you’re not acting strong and decisive, and that kills attraction, for a number of reasons.

It puts you in an inferior position, it changes the framing of the relationship from you being the alpha male to being a child not feeling well, etc. If it persists a bit, which it can, as depression sets in and moping around becomes a comfortable habit, she becomes even more the mother as she gets bored with your bad attitude and either gets depressed herself or starts looking elsewhere.

Or even worse, she can become ticked off about it, and assume a leadership role, wherein she is defining authority for you and exercising it over you, which is the end of attraction until you have straightened up and resumed the leadership role with gusto and held it until she’s comfortable that you’re willing to keep it by virtue of putting you through numerous annoying tests. That’s a pretty crappy outcome, wouldn’t you say?

Want to peg the “crappy-o-meter”? How about if your depression is brought about by your perception that she is no longer as attracted to you as she once was, and as you get more depressed, you get less and less attractive -- spiraling downward, swirling the drain, or however you want to put it, locked into a self-amplifying feedback loop that kills not only attraction, but your relationship. Is that crappy enough to make you want to do something positive? I hope so. Once again, think with me here for a minute or two:

There are things that you do when you’re happy, sad, excited, bored, strong, scared, please, ticked off, truthful, lying, and everything else that you feel, and the chances are very high that you are unaware while she is totally aware of them, even if it’s only subconsciously, and reacting to them. You need to be aware of these things, and watch for them. Why?

First, because she is, and you need to know what you are telling her. Second, and more useful to you, is that you can watch your own body language for clues to your own emotional well-being. If you catch yourself slumping or looking at your shoes as you walk, that’s a strong signal that you need a reality check – there’s a problem somewhere that you need to be addressing, because you’re body language has already alerted her to the fact that there’s a problem, so the clock is running. She needs to see you taking action or you suddenly become a slacker who can’t keep himself on track or a wuss who won’t. How attractive does that sound?

Speaking of unattractive body language, what do you think your wife, girlfriend, or girl you just noticed sees when you approach her with sex as your goal of the encounter? It doesn’t matter if you’re smiling, cringing, or anything else, your body language will betray you as a predator. We’ve been discussing this a lot on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, and you should drop by and join in on the discussion, because the solution to the problem of most of the rejections you’ve ever experienced is discussed at length.

At this point, we must discuss the “faking it” element. I don’t recommend faking anything, at any time, for any reason, because it’s just too easy to trip up, especially when she’s balancing less than 10% of your communication, the verbal part that you deliberately say, against the 90%+ that you involuntarily say through non-verbal means, as well as checking the body language to make sure it’s consistent. Any inconsistency brings about testing, and the testing escalates until she either sees her suspicion confirmed or sees a behavioral change that removes the suspicion completely. You know how we men hate testing…right? So don’t do that to yourself.

Besides, with a lot of women, it doesn’t take but one lie to start an onslaught of testing and punishment that will end up driving you away, and their take on the outcome will be that you were worthless and left, and you’ll have to be punished for that, too, won’t you? Honesty, while sometimes tempered with a touch of diplomacy, is always the best policy.

The flip side? If you’re walking tall, eyes forward, and acting like you own the world and can handle everything that happens in it, you’re too sexy for your shirt. If your body language is confirming what you are verbally telling her, it builds trust quickly and firmly. If your body language is saying you’re all that while you’re not saying a word, you’re exactly where you should be and she can’t get enough of you. I don’t know about you, but I’ll definitely have some of that!!!

If you don’t feel that good about yourself, it’s time for a change, Brother, because as a human being and as a man, you can make it happen, and such feelings are your birthright once you do. Everything you need to know to live a life that makes you walk tall and be the attractive “alpha male” is in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” I’ve been doing consulting and personal coaching for years, and the only people I’ve seen fail to take their life back and make it everything they want it to be are those who didn’t know what they wanted, so if you’re a really tough case, we can make arrangements for that, too.

So download your copy at http://www.makingherhappy.com and get started immediately, call or write me if you have to, but get on the stick and get it done, because life is too short to spend it depressed, alone (especially alone in a crowd), and celibate, and the choice is in your hands. Choose wisely…

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, February 18, 2011

Your Wife’s Mother-In-Law and Your Relationship and Marriage

We’ve talked about handling her mother, but what about yours? She can have a major impact on your relationship, too, if you let her…

We talked yesterday about how to deal with a man’s mother-in-law, but what about a man’s mother? You’re about to see, if you haven’t already, how she can also have a major impact on your relationship, as many of you have found out, sometimes the hard way.

All too often, a tug-of-war between a man’s mother and his wife or girlfriend ends up forming, and while it may not always get as vicious as the situation in the movie “Monster-In-Law” (Jennifer Lopez, Michael Vartan, Jane Fonda, Wanda Sykes), it doesn’t have to get real vicious to cause a wife or girlfriend to decide that she doesn’t have to put up with the hassle, deliver you an ultimatum, and leave immediately when you say something lame like, “But Honey, she’s my mother,” as if that gives her license to be nasty to your partner or exert some sort of control over your household or marriage. Here’s one of many letters I’ve received on the subject; I chose it because it sums up a lot of the most common issues, and I have some tips for you after I answer her. Meet Jean:

Dear David,

I hope this note finds you well and happy since this is supposed to be one of the happiest times of the year for lovers. I know this will be a better day for some than others. What I am writing you about today is not a happy subject but one that I could use your advice on. It has to do with my mother in law, my husband and I are now what they call middle-aged and are for the most part happy and still very much in love.

However, there is one very difficult subject we can not get to the same decision on and I was hoping you might have some words of wisdom for us. We live a very short distance from my mother in law who still refuses to let us have our own life after 18 years of marriage. Every chance she gets she is always hanging around or calling my husband on his cell phone instead of the home phone so she can talk to him without the possibility of me overhearing what is being said. To be honest with you I could care less what she has to say about me but when she starts problems between me and my husband over nothing I do have a problem.

For instance, if he says he’s taking me out to dinner or shopping (or anything else come to think of it) she says something like, “But Donnie, I was wanting you to come over here for supper tonight.” If we make plans to go out of town, she either invites herself along or comes up with some dire emergency, like needing us to feed her dog while she is gone for the weekend. Just anything to try to foil our plans. She’s over here almost every day making snide comments about the way I cook, the way we I have differed from her in raising our kids, my housekeeping, and bringing up Don’s high school sweetheart every chance she gets.

Could you offer some advice as to how I can make my husband to see she is just out to cause us to get into a fight or cause a problem without me coming off as the witch? I have never been good enough for her since day one and the truth is when I married her son no other person would even go out with him much less marry him because she was such a witch to everyone and word got around the small town we live in. There is a lot more to the story, but I’m sure you get the idea, since you seem to “get it.” Please help.

Yours truly,
Jean


My reply:

Yikes! Jean, I don’t know how you’ve endured it for 18 years, but Don’s a lucky man, and you should start by telling him so. I notice that you’ve been subscribing for several months, so I’m sure by now you know that you need to be fairly blunt with him, but not accusatory or combative. Tell him that you would never try to come between him and his mother, but she needs to pay you that same respect too, and that either he can have a word with her, or you will.

Give him specific examples of what has happened; he’s already seen them, but you’re telling him to let him know that you know and that it bothers you. Don’t dramatize or focus solely on your emotions, and be factual and to the point; WHAT happened is going to do more to help him understand than how you feel about it. If he does wuss out and doesn’t want to talk to his mother, then you need to. Tell her that you have not in any way tried to come between her and her son, and that you demand and expect that she pay you the same respect, because you have been respectful of her and been loving and faithful to her son for 18 years, and it’s high time that she accepted it and started making some effort to try to get along instead of trying to antagonize you.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David C.


Gentlemen, there are a great many mistakes that men make with their wives and girlfriends that involve their mothers. The biggest is in comparing your wife to your mother in any way. Women HATE that! If your wife cooks something that you prefer the way your mother did it, chances are a thousand times better that she’ll do it the way you like it if you said, “I really like it done (however you like it done),” instead of saying, “That’s not how my mother does it,” or “I like it better the way Mom does it.”

That’s not your mother’s house you’re living in; it’s yours and your partner’s, or at least it better be. If your mother has come to live with you because you don’t want her in an elderly care home, that’s great, as long as you are still leading the household and your wife maintains the respect she should command as your wife and co-owner of the house, but if you and your wife are living in your mother’s house, every goal you have had better take second place to getting a place of your own, because your partner needs a place in which to nest, and you have no idea of the grief you’ll be inviting on yourself if you don’t facilitate one quickly.

Speaking of nesting, there is likely to be a bit of a conflict between your wife and mother, even if their tastes are similar. Women nest. Nesting is a primal drive, and no amount of logic or argument will suppress it. You can count on having to referee from time to time unless your mother is a very exceptional woman. When you have to referee, insist that your mother constrain her nesting activities to her quarters, and insist that your wife allow her to nest in her quarters on the condition that she doesn’t nest elsewhere in the house without your wife’s approval. She’s your mom, but she’s also a guest, even if permanently residing; your wife LIVES THERE, if you know what I mean.

Getting back to handling competition and conflict, as with your wife’s mother, your mother is above all else, a woman, and must be treated as such. If she is too involved in your household, it’s because you let her by failing to establish your authority as head of your household, leaving her room to think that SHE is and act accordingly. There must be boundaries established, and you are the one primarily responsible for establishing them, since you are not only the “man of the house,” but also the one in the middle of this potentially hazardous triangle.

You must lead her, gently but firmly, to the level of involvement that you and your partner are comfortable with. You don’t ask her to give you a break, you tell her that you love her as much as you always did, but you are an adult and you need to lead an adult life, which includes making and being responsible for your choices. You tell her that while she has always been and will remain an important part of your life, she must pay you the respect of letting you lead your own household and live your own life with your own family. You tell her that she did a good job raising you, and she needs to accept that and let you rise to the challenges she prepared you for, and give you and your wife the same respect that she expected in her own home when you were a child.

She may not like it at first, but she will at least respect you for saying it, and she’ll go along with it in the end in nearly all cases unless he has some control issues that won’t go away without therapy. There may be testing from time to time to see if you were serious or just trying to placate your wife, so you must be consistent. But in the end, no matter whose mother (or mother-in-law) you’re interacting with, if you can’t stand up to her, as far as she’s concerned you can’t stand up for yourself or anybody else she cares about. And if she refuses, you have to make a choice between your mother and your marriage, and fast, or you can bet that your wife will make that choice for you.

Men, women are not as difficult to talk with, get along with, understand and enjoy as we’ve been led to believe. Indeed, we’ve been programmed to think that it’s hard or impossible, just like they’ve been programmed to think that we’re insensitive jackasses who have no use for them except for sex. Our mothers were primarily the ones who programmed us, and their parents primarily were the ones who programmed them; there’s also been a lot of inappropriate reinforcement heaped on you from Hollywood and the politically correct media. But…

Deprogramming is a painless and fun process, and requires nothing but some good information about what women REALLY want, and what REALLY makes them tick. And contrary to what the world thinks (including Sigmund Freud, the renowned psychiatrist/psychologist, who is famous for saying, “The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, ‘What does a woman want?’”), that information is available, thanks to some hard work and the input of a few hundred women, and it’s entirely affordable for every man. Indeed, compared to the cost of a divorce, it’s damned-near free!

Luckily for you, it’s in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and you can download your copy right now at http://www.makingherhappy.com. You’ve spent your whole life wishing somebody had written a book to tell you what women want and what makes them tick, and now it’s here, and there you sit, not seeing that what you’ve wished for your whole life is a few mouse-clicks away. Open your eyes and start living a life with your partner that will be even better than either of you have ever dreamed. And if you think I’m kidding, visit our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, and search for “Cyno” and “Thomas,” two guys who recently grabbed the bull by the horns and took their marriages and lives back.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Gentlemen, the Proper "Care and Feeding" of Your Mother-In-Law Is Critical to a Great Marriage

Your partner’s mother is also female, but the governing dynamics of your relationship with her require special handling.

We’re going to spend the next few days addressing the ways in which mothers can influence your relationship. Today, we’ll be talking about the woman’s mother, and tomorrow we’ll talk about the man’s, and then we’ll explore defending your wife from a meddlesome mother.

My mother-in-law has been in the spotlight in my own life over the last several days (I am fortunate to have such a great one), and it has made me take a closer look at that relationship and what you might do to improve your relationship with your partner’s mother; whether you are married or not, her mother can be a significant influence on her life and yours, in either a positive or negative way; she can be a powerful ally or a formidable enemy, in which case, unless your partner is very young, rebellious, and impressionable (qualities you probably don’t want anyway), she could kill all attraction you could hope to create in your partner. Fortunately, you can have an influence on which way it goes. Think with me here for a few minutes, because understanding is requisite for success:

Your partner’s mother, to whom I will be referring as “MIL” (“Mother-In-Law) for brevity’s sake, is obviously and above all else, a woman. She therefore has “girly radar,” and picks up on all the nuances in your speech and behavior that any woman would. However, she is also, by definition, a mother, so she’s also equipped with “mama radar” (the eyes in the back of the head that can see through buildings and across space and time, the super hearing that lets her hear the cookie jar being opened in the next county, and an uncanny ability to identify the elusive “Mr. Nobody”), so she’s always on heightened alert with regard to any shenanigans that might affect her offspring, a.k.a., your partner. What does this mean to you?

For starters, with regard to B.S. (“bovine manure”) detection, she’s likely to be the equivalent of your partner on perception steroids; she’s older, more experienced, and most of all, not under the influence of attraction. Hence, you cannot, under any circumstances, try to B.S. this woman. Aside from being more sensitive to it and naturally suspicious of you because you pose a potential threat to her daughter, she’s more experienced at spotting it than your partner and more jaded after having spotted more of it in her longer life, and since she’s not likely to be feeling attraction for you, has no reason whatsoever to overlook or forgive anything that feelings of attraction might mitigate. And if she’s old enough to be past the influence of reproductive hormones, just double all of the above.

Trying to impress her is also the kiss of death; the only real reason to try to impress someone is if you are so unsure of yourself that you don’t think it can happen naturally, and that is not a characteristic of any man that any woman wants her daughter mixed up with. Indeed, you can take any anti-attraction behavior I describe in this newsletter or in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” and multiply the negative impact by ten or more if you exhibit it in your MIL’s presence. What happens then?

She switches into “protective mama mode” and starts telling her daughter all the bad things she’s seen in you to try to get her to see the same thing she sees “for her own good.” Even if your partner doesn’t accept it at first, it plants the seeds of worry, which stirs up emotional energy your partner will indulge to some degree just by virtue of being a woman and needing that emotional activity, which brings on more testing and more worry, which escalates until it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. How can this be avoided?

Actually, it’s pretty easy if you’re on the straight and narrow. It’s going to sound weird at first, but the answer is to treat your MIL just as you treat her daughter, just without the strong sexual overtones; responsibly adventurous, confident, fun and a bit flirtatious at times, but never seductive. You want her to see you as a strong, attractive man and good for her daughter, not feel like you’re coming on to her.

Be strong and playful with her. Showing her that you can be strong and playful will assure her that you will be able to protect her daughter from that most heinous of female enemies, the one that gets them in the most trouble the fastest, boredom.

Be of good character. Tell the truth at all times, and don’t be afraid to say the difficult things as long as you are factual without being mean or rude. She will have both her mama radar and girly radar engaged and sweeping on maximum sensitivity, and being a wuss or a liar is not an option. Remember that ANY woman’s first criteria for assessing a man is “If you can’t stand up TO me, you can’t stand up FOR me.” In the MIL’s case, it’s more like “If you can’t stand up TO ME, you can’t stand up FOR MY DAUGHTER.” And MIL’s enforce that standard even more rigidly than their daughters.

Communicate with her as if she is important to you, because she is. Create a little tension by flip-flopping from naughty boy to alpha male, but don’t make it overtly sexual tension by dropping in bits of sexual innuendo like you would with your partner; the privilege of that kind of intimacy is exclusively for your partner, and is one of the things that makes her feel special. Lead your MIL as you would lead your wife, just lead her to fun or results, not to the bedroom, acknowledging her position without granting her authority over your life or your partner’s.

The bottom line? Your MIL can have nearly as big an impact on your life as your partner, and you must give her the respect that this position commands. You will find that if you do, she will be making positive comments to your partner, which make your partner both feel better about you and appreciate that you are treating her mother as a special person as well.

If for some reason you can’t respect her, then benign avoidance until you can is the only good answer, because if you try to fake anything, you’re toast. And yes, it’s true that a very few MIL’s will detest their daughter’s partner simply because he is her daughter’s partner, maybe because she perceives him as having stolen her daughter and maybe because she’s just psychotic, but it is important that you try to find out what the problem is and fix it if you can.

If she really thinks you’ve stolen her daughter, it may require nothing more than encouraging your daughter to make a weekly or biweekly habit of having afternoon tea, a shopping trip, trip to the salon, or something distinctly and femininely social with her, or something else that gives them some regular time together to demonstrate that you’re not trying to come between them. Don’t worry about how she’ll find out; your wife will let her know in the proper way that it was your idea. She wants this to work out, too, you know.

Showing up on time for all visits to her home helps too. It shows that you are responsible, respectful of her time, and that you aren’t trying to avoid her. Indeed, most people in any part of your life will tend to judge you and your relationship with them based on how timely you are. Being a little early is perceived as being enthusiastic, well-prepared, and engaged, being on time is considered at least a sign of preparedness and respect, and being late carries all manner of negative connotations with it, including indifference, disrespect, disorganization, incompetence, avoidance and irresponsibility, to name a few.

If she’s just psychotic, we’re back to benign avoidance. What is that exactly? You accept invitations to her home, but avoid deeply personal and controversial subject matter. You still give her an input channel as you must give any woman when you want to get along with her, but you don’t give her a channel through which to exert undue and unwanted influence. Be cordial, diplomatic, and aware of her non-verbal communication at all times, but don’t let her have control of a conversation to the extent that she can get a fight started, which above all else, means don’t be defensive or suck up. Set boundaries and enforce them, regardless of protests, especially when you consider that boundary jumping might in some cases just be another form of testing to see how much of a man you are. When trouble starts looking imminent, it’s time to take charge by enforcing boundaries, changing the subject, or simply leaving if she persists – don’t let a fight get started.

In short, if you treat your MIL right, she can help your partner to see you in the positive light that helps to amplify your attractiveness, and if you don’t, she can kill it dead for you. Either way it’s your choice, so choose wisely. Much of your success with her will also come from understanding how to accurately and effectively communicate with a woman and being able to project the image of a manly man by BEING a manly man, both of which are covered clearly and effectively in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.”

Man, just think about that, one book that can bring you closer to your wife and your mother-in-law! (Through the understanding that you will gain of what women want and how they communicate, it will also improve your relationship you’re your daughters, sisters, mother, and all the other women in your life!) That’s a bargain at any price, but what you pay is less than the cost of a good meal for two at a good restaurant.

The question – and CHOICE – is whether you are going to go for it and make your wife and her mother – and thereby, YOURSELF – happy, or are you going to sit there thinking you already know all the answers, when in fact, you wouldn’t be reading this if you did and you know it. Our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, is littered with accounts of men who thought they knew it all, thought everything was great, right up to the second they were served divorce papers. With our help, they got their problems worked out, but you don’t want to end up going through what they did to get it right, I’m sure. So what do you do?

Quitters never win, and winners never quit, right? There’s your answer. Jump over to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy today, because life’s too short to spend it with a pain in the neck (or the butt)!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Do You Know Why Your Partner Keeps You in Your Relationship or Marriage?

What is your partner’s REAL motive for having you around? The answer lies in their words and actions…

Another lovely morning with a big country breakfast, a huge mug of coffee, and a lot of friends trying to find a way to make their lives together better. For me, that’s a great way to start a day: pleasure and productivity.

A quick note before we begin today’s lesson: One of you sent me a link to an article that is revealing, revolutionary, and for some, downright scary. Entitled “Mommy’s Little Secret,” it describes, among other things, statistical evidence that 10% of children in the western hemisphere think that their father is someone other than who their biological father really is, if you know what I mean.

DNA evidence is causing all manner of revelations of infidelity, and it’s so bad that the courts are now trying to figure out when people are legally bound to tell fathers and “duped dads” (the one who is paying the bills thinking it’s for his own child) and when they’re not. The article is at http://www.canadiancrc.com/articles/Globe_and_Mail_Moms_Little_secret_14DEC02.aspx and I strongly recommend you read it; even though it was published in 2002, it's still relevant and accurate and may apply to one of your friends who hasn't heard yet.

As for today’s lesson, one of your cohorts said this in response to the issue where I talked about men using guilt and pity tactics to try to obtain sex, the article titled “Sex for Pity’s Sake,” which you can access in the archive at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/373-Sex-for-Pity-s-Sake-a-Great-Way-to-Quickly-Destroy-a-Relationship-and-Marriage if you missed it:

Meet Tanja K.:

In my eyes women who use guilt or pity for sex are pathetic.....my hubby and I have been married for almost 22 years and there's what real married for love partners call give and take....my hubby is like my kids, spoiled to death and well adjusted...2 in college and 2 in grade school, if you get my drift, sex is our way of being one with each other, and trying new thing together, is what makes our marriage so to die for, so if you got out of me somehow that I use guilt or pity, you better find some new info about real women, not this new age “I'll sleep with you if you'll pay for my hair cut, or my college ed”....those are the women that make good men say dumb hurtful things....my hubby has been my prince from day one, if he's guilty of anything it might be that he hasn't taken time to find friends to have fun with, besides me, but then again, neither have I, our kids have made our life busy and full....hope you find a real women w/real moral values....

Tanja

Tanja’s beef is with women who prostitute themselves, not honestly as professionals, but as surreptitious gold-diggers; those parasites who land a man to be kept, provide means to create and maintain babies and/or self-destructive habits, and use guilt, pity, and sex to keep the man engaged and thinking everything is peachy. Google or Bing “toxic wife” for some extreme stories that will stand your hair on end, and if it looks familiar, don’t fly off into denial. Investigate and analyze the evidence. Gentlemen, we should all protect ourselves against such a woman, just as they protect themselves from predatory men; fortunately for us, they are the minority.

There are many kinds of relationships that can exist between a man and a woman, but this kind, especially in its most extreme variant, the codependent relationship, is the most destructive. One partner sucks the life out of the other and wastes it in destroying themselves, effectively rushing both of them to ruination and even an early grave. How can you tell if you’re in one of these?

It’s not that difficult. Indeed, detection is the easy part; accepting the truth and acting upon it is where most people fail.

First, take a look at who is contributing what and how much to the relationship, and how those contributions are being distributed. If you’re working your butt off and she (or HE! – it can go both ways, Ladies, as you’ll see in my next book) is spending it faster than you can make it, possibly on things that you find you secretly resent, such as a lot of extras for her and the kids, like eating out a lot and designer labels on all their clothes while you have holes in your shoes and take a cheese sandwich and store-brand soda to work for lunch, that’s a big red flag.

There’s no need to keep a detailed score; it will either be equitable because the relationship is committed and tight or completely lop-sided because one partner is using the other, depending entirely on whether the partners truly love each other or one is using the other. I have a story from one of you that just came in within the last week or two from a client-turned-friend that is an excellent example, and I’ll try to get it together for you ASAP. And as you will see, your status will be obvious if you merely open your eyes to what is happening around you, regardless of what is being said. “By your works shall you be known” is one of the greatest bits of wisdom to come from the Christian Bible, a tactic that has been working for two thousand years, right? Professing love and devotion is easy; faking it is not.

Next, take a look at language. Even the best liars screw up from time to time, usually when they are either too relaxed, too stressed or have had a drink or two too many and their guard is down. A partner who really loves you will tell you so for no apparent reason, and their body language and actions will confirm it. One who is indeed NEEDING AND USING you and not loving you will say that they love you in order to get you to tell them that you love them; the statement “I love you” is indeed the question, “Do you love me?” – a plea for confirmation that their ploy is still working. When it comes, it sounds forced, like the ritual “I love you” that ends all too many phone conversations with that hint of whining or desperation that makes what should be a profession into an interrogation.

You can also learn a lot from the nature of compliments and explanations that inappropriately follow or replace declarations of love. A woman who says, “I love you because you make me feel safe,” may be saying that she enjoys not having to worry that you’ll abuse her emotions, she can also be saying that she loves the feeling of being protected, not you; anybody with an alpha personality and a weapon (or a large bank account) could make her feel the same way. So can anyone who doesn’t place any demands on her for love and commitment.

Gentlemen, good women don’t need a caretaker any more than good men do. They’re “all grown up,” strong, independent, intelligent, and sexy, not a clingy, needy, neurotic ball of insecurity looking for someone to blame their entire miserable existence on or pay their way. Being able to take care of themselves, they want a real man who can take care of himself, to form a true synergistic partnership, in which the partners can achieve more together than the sum of what they could achieve separately.

Good women are looking for a man to SHARE their life with, not GIVE them a life or all the trappings of a life. And there are plenty of them around, but they may not be looking for a man because while they would immensely enjoy one, they don’t need one. So they may not be obvious to you when you first see them. You have to explore, and evaluate. Remember that for the rest of your life.

Such a woman, one who is looking for someone to share a life with instead of someone to take care of her, will enjoy watching you being strong and taking the lead, instead of depending on you to do it, and you’ll enjoy doing it with her, instead of resenting the whining and pressure. And she will hold your feet to the fire, constantly holding you to the standard “if you can’t stand up TO me, you can’t stand up FOR me.” Good women very seldom actually need you to stand up for them, but they need to know that you’re able to so that they can respect you, since respect is a prerequisite of both love and attraction.

If you feel like you’re being sucked dry by your partner, you’re in the wrong relationship, unless of course the only time you feel that way is in the bedroom while she’s…well, you know. And if she does happen to be really proficient at “well, you know,” don’t let that cloud your judgment and cause you to excuse or ignore things that you’ll look back on at retirement age and think, “What the hell was I thinking???”

Good sex, even great sex, can be a lot easier to find than a good mate, so don’t let the fear of scarcity of sex put you in a position of real scarcity of self-esteem, self-respect, home, retirement savings, a life, etc. Think with your head; that other thing that whispers in your ear from the vicinity of your trousers makes some REALLY bad decisions, and you know this. If you haven’t learned it yet and require proof, there’s plenty of it on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, where you’ll find accounts of men who married for good looks or good sex and found out too late just how much such a mistake costs a man.

I like what Ron White says about women. The following is paraphrased: “Marry an ugly woman with a brain and some character. You can take a little nip here, a little tuck there, and next thing you know, she’s pretty easy on the eyes. But you can’t fix stupid.” Nor can you fix conniving, entitlement-minded, and deceitful. Those are problems that go too deep to fix.

You can assess yourself, your partner, and your relationship, as well as have great contacts to help you get out of a bad relationship and find a great woman if you have to, with the information in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” Download your copy at http://www.makingherhappy.com right now, read it, and get things on the right track. If they’re already on the right track, use the rest of the book to stoke that attraction boiler and kick things up to the stratosphere where problems just don’t happen! The woman in your life can be a ball and chain or a ball of fire, and the choice is entirely yours. Choose well, and choose NOW!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Know What Romance Is REALLY All About for a Great Relationship or Marriage

Since St. Valentine’s Day is just past and the word “romantic” has been and is still being bandied about like opinions at election time (especially by retailers stuck with too much Valentine’s Day merchandise!), let’s look at a wonderful movie in which to see the personification of the proper expression of “romantic.”

I hope all of you who celebrate St. Valentine’s Day had a nice one. Since St. Valentine’s Day is today held as a day of romance (it was originally a day set aside for old flames to get back in touch with each other, and it was okay on that day for women to let previous suitors know that they were again entertaining gentlemen callers, usually after a broken engagement or they were widowed, and therefore had nothing to do with existing couples), let’s take a look at a movie that gives a very clear picture of what “romance” and “romantic thought” is really about. It’s called “Don Juan DeMarco,” and it’s at all of the better movie rental houses.

For those who have not seen the movie, you have been missing out, especially if you are a man trying to get a grip on the rules of romance and attraction. In a nutshell, Johnny Depp plays the main character, Don Juan DeMarco, who is a 21-year old man who has decided that his life has been fulfilled as he has romanced the 1,000th woman of his lifetime. He climbs a billboard and says that he will throw himself to the street if he is not allowed to duel with another Spanish don who lived in the 17th century, a contemporary of the original Don Juan.

Marlon Brando is playing a psychiatrist who just happens by, talks him down off the billboard by posing as another don who invited him to come down and discuss life with him, and promptly admits him at a local psychiatric facility where he works. Brando thinks at first he is schizophrenic, until he starts to see that DeMarco’s not delusional at all, but that he merely chooses to look for the best, the greatest, the most heroic, and most enjoyable in everything he sees and have fun with it.

I won’t spoil the rest of the movie for you, but the way that DeMarco looks at things, seeing the mental hospital as the don’s villa instead of the doctor’s treatment center, seeing women as beautiful, sexy creatures who want to be wanted and who want to express their sexuality, focusing only on the best in everything is what I want you to see. He is taking it to the extreme, but there are times and situations when it is safe to take romance to this same extreme.

If you do so when it is safe, and let yourself be swept up in it when nobody can be hurt by it, it helps make you more acutely aware of the beauty, wonder, heroism, humor, and other things around you that you can still appreciate even when things are bad, so that you can see the proverbial silver lining in clouds and not let bad situations overwhelm you. Instead you can keep your chin up, shoulders back, and be inspired by the romance of even the worst situation and overcome it, instead of being swallowed by it and becoming a has-been who gave it up instead of a hero who gave his all.

This is something that everyone, especially the woman in your life, just loves to see. Indeed, the reactions of the women in the movie to the somewhat exaggerated romanticism is not at all exaggerated. I’ve seen them first hand, reacting to things I’ve done, and watched them grip tablecloths, napkins, sofa cushions, until their knuckles turned white as they fell under the spell of romanticism; while in my twenties, I watched one woman clench her fist until her nails dug into her palm and bled as I described an interpretation of a dance to her. When I saw the blood drip from her fist, I grinned a naughty grin and said, “You sprung a leak, there, didn’t ya?” She knocked me flat on my back, saying, "Yeah, and you're about to!" tore our clothes to shreds trying to get us out of them, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Women will literally kill to feel attraction, and if you can’t make them feel it at least sometimes, it doesn’t matter how much they love you, they will be driven to have somebody make them feel it or they will fall into a depression that can after a time become suicidal, and you cannot blame them for this in any way. Make no mistake, this need is 100% biological, and there is no amount of love, faith, religion, guilt, or even brute force or beating than can stop them from needing it and responding to either finding it or lacking it.

It may take a few years for them to gradually decline, and they may leave you before you ever see the full force of the decline as a survival mechanism takes over, but lost attraction and boredom are a major cause of midlife-onset depression, substance abuse, spousal abuse, and suicide, and since women don’t always recognize and treat their needs because they get caught up in the needs of their family, the drama of hardship, etc. It is YOUR job, as the man in their life, to recognize their need for this feeling and provide it; it is the price you pay for their nurturing and all the other things they provide for you. Anything you do that creates this feeling for them will be repaid many times over; it is the only sure thing that you are likely to ever encounter in this life. Women are driven to compete, and a man who can start fires in her with a glance is well worth competing over for a lifetime.

Creating attraction is not difficult, IF you know how to create it, and not hard to maintain if you also know how to avoid killing it, which under some circumstances can be done with as little as a glance or a word. “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” was written for the sole purpose of making your long-term relationship all that it can be, by teaching you how to evaluate and manage a relationship, how to communicate with a woman on a level that will give you the answers to the ancient question, “What makes women tick and what do they really want?” and to give you that understanding of the nature, creation, and destruction of attraction. (In the unfortunate case that you are paired with someone who is a hopelessly bad match and with whom you can never be happy, it will also help you to figure that out, get out, and find someone infinitely more suitable so that you both can be happy.) Now, think about this for a second…

If you could buy dinner for two and have your dinner guest tell you what women really want, what makes them tick, how to talk to and listen to them, how to turn them on and off sexually, and how to make sure that they would be fun and exciting for the rest of your life, and if it turned out that you couldn’t or just plain didn’t use what they told you they’d send you the money for the check, would you do it? I’d have bought that dinner a hundred times over to get back the first umpteen years of my adult life, before I did the research to write this book. I’d be coming up on my 25th anniversary instead of my 12th, too, and would likely have been in my first marriage instead of my fourth, because I would have chosen well the first time and made it work instead of having to go through three false starts when I was probably too young and immature to be married at all.

And in case you’re a Doubting Thomas, that thread I mentioned yesterday has been augmented as the reader posted the results of his grand Valentine’s adventure he designed for his wife. While you’re reading, keep in mind that this is a guy who thought a few weeks ago that he was too much of a geek to be capable of romance. Check it out on our forum at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/542-10-steps-out-9-steps-back#post2414 and decide for yourself.

It’s never too late to take corrective action, and it’s never too soon to start preventive maintenance. Just go for it. Right here, right now. Hop on over to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy, before you do another thing, because life is too short to settle for the mundane, boring, frustrating, and painful potential disaster (DIVORCE!) you leave yourself open to if you don’t.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, February 14, 2011

Listen As a Woman Tells You EXACTLY What ALL Women Want in Their Relationship and Marriage

A major success story from a couple who went from dreadfully boring to acting like a couple of teenagers in the throes of honeymoon passion!

I hope you're having as great a day as I am! Yeah, I say something like that nearly every day, and every day really is that great, especially when I start going through the mail and find success stories. It’s true that I make part of my living from the sales of this book and others, and I’ll not insult your intelligence by saying I don’t enjoy the money, but when people take the time to write to tell me that something I spent a good chunk of my life creating has made a positive change in their life, that really hits home.

The sales tell me I’m successful selling the book, but the success stories tell me I’ve been successful in WRITING the book, because people are using it to create a better life for themselves. I don’t reprint as many of these reader letters as some authors do, because they can be both long and boring if you read too many of them, but this one really hit home.

By the way, I had to omit a few details from the original because they were a little too spicy. I’m dead-against censorship, but I don’t know whose kids might be looking over their shoulder as they read this, and I don’t want any reader having to answer embarrassing questions from their kids. Parents hate that… ;)

Here’s her letter, and I’ve enclosed edits in square brackets. Meet Amy:

Dear David,

I would like to make a strong plea to all men to read your book. Even if you think there is nothing wrong with your relationship reading this book can make for the relationship that everyone only prays to have as an adult. I am no longer just living with the father of my kids, I am with a man that women would kill to be with and I would kill to keep.

He used to just ask me what was for dinner, now he is in the kitchen cooking with me when we are not taking breaks to make out like we were teenagers. We no longer just have sex or spend time together. We are finally after 10 years a real couple and we can not get enough of each other.

Sex is not all there is to a relationship, but I would like to say that more women than you think want sex just as much as men do. The thing is most men do not know how to pick up on our body language and how to interpret the signals we are giving off. Yes, I admit it would be better to be blunt and just tell the guy what we want, but we all know women are not like that and that is not likely to happen any time soon. When Bill started picking up on mine and we started understanding each other better, we just started getting closer, then hotter as he started noticing the things he did that set me off and the other things he did that get me off.

Bill and I now find ourselves in all kinds of places doing all kinds of things. For example, we were out having dinner the other night and started playing around under the table. A couple of minutes past and he told me he was going to the restroom and to follow him shortly. I was more excited then I had ever been with this man. When I walked back to area of the restrooms he grabbed me into the Men's room and we kissed me so deeply I was dizzy. Before I thought about it I was on my knees giving him the kind of [naughty attention] that makes a man loose feeling in his legs. This is only one of the things we do now, anytime we are together we are turned on and there is not a place we go now that the only people we notice is each other.

So for all the men who think that woman are complicated and not worth the trouble think again. When a woman is really deeply attracted to her man nothing comes between them, not even in a public place. Trust me, I know what I am talking about and anyone will once they read your book and put it into action. I only wish your book had been around years ago and it would be a bargin at twice the price.

I have a new man and I am a new woman thanks to you!!

Sincerely,
Amy T.


Wow! Congratulations, Amy and Bill, for taking charge and making your life all you want it to be!

Judging from the spelling and grammatical errors and the way they multiplied as the letter progressed, Amy was getting so aroused she was losing focus just telling her story. Guys, There’s not much I can say here that Amy hasn’t already said, except that she bought my book for her husband a few months back, and if you look at what she’s saying, and how excited she got as she said it, I think you can expect, among other things, that she’s going to pounce on Bill when he gets home, because women thrive on anticipation -- just look at what happened while she was waiting to follow him!

Seriously, they love it! Most of us, when we get turned on, pretty well stay that way until we get satisfied, and we don’t want that satisfaction to be too long in coming, either. But with women, they can put it on the back burner when they have to, but it creeps up on them later, and they savor that anticipation for a bit, and then let it cook in the back of their mind for a while longer while they do other things, and it creeps back out all over again, creating this series of spicy little surprises throughout the day as they see or hear things that remind them of it and bring their fantasies back to the foreground to be savored again. By the end of the day, when she and her man get back together, she’s ready to explode, as long as he doesn’t hit the door acting like a whining wimp or a drunken abuser and spoil it for her.

Here are the lessons for today:

1. This stuff really works! (Gee, you’d never guess that one was coming, would you?)

2. Ladies want to be attracted to their men to the extent of doing things to help them become attractive, like buying this book and helping them understand. Is yours trying to tell you something? Can you read signals, body language, and her spoken language full of unspoken wishes well enough to know if she were?

3. They know they use lots of non-verbal communication and appreciate it when you pick up on it – and you can pick up on a lot of it if you read any good book on the subject, mine included.

4. They get excited when they talk about things that have excited them in the past, and they love anticipation of future delights, so the morning after something hot, even if it happened in the morning, before either or both of you leave for the day, make some sexy, pleasurable, and naughty comment(s) about it and promise her that if she’s a good girl, she might get to enjoy a surprise or two when you meet later. Give her a soft, sexy brush on the lips with yours and a gentle stroke somewhere erotic with your hand, forearm, or fingertips, or gently spin her around and do the same to the back of her neck, and then step away and walk off, letting her imagination run wild for the day (don’t spoil the surprise by telling her exactly what you’re going to do, and if she asks, tell her she’ll have to be there later to find out. I’ll spell it for you: A-N-T-I-C-I------------------P-A-T-I-O-N! (a la Tim Curry as “Frankenfurter” in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show!)

Ladies and gentlemen, you can be writing a letter like this one to me in a few days or weeks. Indeed, check out this thread on our forum and see just how quickly extreme improvement can be made: http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/542-10-steps-out-9-steps-back.

I’ll tell you what; you write a letter or post on our forum and I won’t even call attention to your spelling and grammar if you do. Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com, download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" (and get a free copy of my “What Women REALLY Want” and “Break-Up Busting 101” reports when you do!), get with the program, and make your life all it can be, because life is too short to accept anything less, right?

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Do You "Get It" When It Comes to What Women Want in Relationships and Marriage?

Some men just don’t get it, even when their wife beats them over the head with the truth. Don’t be one of these guys, because when a woman gets tired of beating you, she won’t just stop, she’ll go away…permanently.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Today’s edition will be short and sweet because it is so self-evident that a lot of explaining won’t be necessary. When somebody buys a copy of my book, signs up for the newsletter, or ends their newsletter subscription, I get an e-mail advising me of the activity. I get to create the forms for these tasks, and rather than just notify me of activity, I also try to use them to get feedback from readers about what they need to know, what’s important to them, and even why they end their subscription to the free newsletter as quality control measures. Here’s an example that just floored me:

From: zeusXXXX@yahoo.com [mailto:zeusXXXX@yahoo.com]
Sent: Thursday, February 09, 2006 5:08 PM
To: D. Cunningham
Subject: AWeber mhh_tips: This Lead Unsubscribed: zeusXXXX@yahoo.com

This lead has unsubscribed by following the link at the bottom of one of your AWeber messages, and decided to provide comments. Why did I receive this email? http://www.aweber.com/faq_messages.htm#messages6b

Name: Axxxxxx
Email: zeusXXXX@yahoo.com
Signup Date: XX/XX/XX 0X:XX PM XST

Comments:
Never signed up...EX-wife did...

I’ve sterilized the personally identifiable information to protect his privacy, so don’t be cute and try to send an e-mail to zeusXXXX@yahoo.com because it won’t go anywhere. Now, look at the “Comments” portion, which is just the field name for a blank on the form that is captioned something like “Reason for ending subscription.” He didn’t sign up, “his EX-wife did…” What can you divine from this comment?

I’ll not get into the macho inference by his choice of the name “Zeus” in the e-mail address; it could be the guy is just likes Greek philosophy. Yeah, right. (His wife also subscribes and we talked about him at length, and she said he really was that full of himself, but without any good reason.) His wife signed him up for it (and according to her, she wasn’t his EX yet, but was now looking forward to it), trying to tell him that he was falling short, and giving him an example of what he needed to be doing to help their relationship.

Rather than being glad that she was providing him valuable information and taking action (not to mention being glad that she was signing him up for a newsletter instead of having an affair with the perfect example of what she wanted and purposely getting caught in the affair to show him, as many women have done and written to me about!) he slams the door on her. Hence, she is now his “EX-wife” in his mind, and soon to be in reality, when she wasn’t looking for a divorce, she was trying to save their marriage.

Notice how he emphasizes “EX;” he resents being told that there’s something wrong, and let a fragile ego, which probably contributed to the wussy attitude and behavior she was trying to get him to change, cost him his marriage. There’s no telling how much or in how many ways she tried to communicate problems to him, but like most men, he didn’t understand that he was being given instructions on how to fix things, and it doesn’t matter whether she left because he didn’t fix anything or he left because things weren’t suiting him, it’s over, and it probably could have been fixed.

According to his wife, all it would have taken was a little less ego and a little better communication skills, and a little effort to follow-up and make the improvements, but “Zeus” here was too busy protecting his ego to develop some real self-esteem and appreciate the fact that his wife wanted him instead of an affair or a divorce. Now, instead of a loving wife who was interested in staying married to him, he lives alone with a big neon sign that says, “Hey, I’m an idiot who can’t see past the tip of my nose!” Don’t let this happen to you!

And in case some of you are thinking, “Why should I change to suit her?” you’re not supposed to change to suit her at all. And she’s not supposed to change you. You’re supposed to change to suit YOURSELF, feel good about YOURSELF, and enjoy your life. THAT’s what women want, a man who loves to live, not a man who is some sort of high-maintenance emotional dependent. We’re not talking about the designs of a manipulative woman trying to get a man wrapped around her finger so she can lie on the couch eating bonbons and watching soap operas. We’re talking about a good woman of good character who wants to see her man be a man and feel good about himself instead of being a grouchy, paranoid bully.

And there’s no reason you should! “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” is filled with the benefit of the real-life experience of 118 couples who helped with the research of the original version, my own experience, and the experience of hundreds of readers who have commented and shared since. Each point in it has been tested and proven to work in 90% or more of all test cases, and if you think about that, that’s pretty amazing. That means, among other things, that 90% or more of all the women involved in this have agreed on and responded to each of these things! Can you imagine that?

Believe me, waiting until you have a crisis on your hands is not the best time to start working on fixing it. It can still be done, but it’s a lot harder than if you just get things in order and keep them that way, not to mention a whole lot more of a pain in the neck, with all the frustration, boredom, fights, affairs, etc., that crop up before the crisis is evident – often in an attempt by the wife to MAKE it evident. Check out the stories told by men and women on our forum that describe exactly this. Indeed, check out this specific post, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/578-The-Sneakiest-Yet-Deadliest-Enemy...?p=2406#post2406, and you’ll see precisely why so many men get blind-sided by an enraged wife and divorce papers (the rest of the thread is pretty interesting too!).

So do yourself and your family a favor. Go on over to http://www.makingherhappy.com right now, before you do anything else, and download your copy of this truly amazing book. Get your house in order, and keep it that way, because life is too short to be living behind a big sign that says “OUT OF ORDER,” or even worse, “I’M AN IDIOT!”

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham