Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Retail Therapy, Sign of a Bigger Problem in Your Relationship or Marriage, and You Can Fix It

If you’ve noticed your wife (or yourself!) buying things not for the benefit of ownership, but for the thrill of making the purchase, you have a problem on your hands. Yes, you are responsible, but it’s something you can easily fix…

What a day! First full day of range activities at Front Sight today, and there were a few changes from last year, mostly for the better. The restroom facility was indeed finished (if memory serves, they are referring to it as “the comfort station,” which was both amusing and apropos after being trapped on the range for a little too long while being a little too far ahead of the hydration curve, if you know what I mean!), a lot of staff I worked with last year was still there (conspicuously missing was Will, the former Navy SEAL who was the line coach on last year’s team, who is currently “contracting” in Afghanistan, but there were other former Special Forces soldiers and rangemasters I had not seen before, so they are continuing to attract extremely high-quality talent for instructors), and the program is still first-rate.

And as it appears right now, I’m definitely on track for the coveted “distinguished graduate” achievement, so the long days in the desert are definitely going to be worth it. Yepper, I’m pumped! ;-) But I’m also worn out, so we’d better get to today’s lesson while I’m still conscious. I do want to mention, for those of you who still wonder why anyone would go through all this trouble, that all the notes I have taken regarding this trip at any given time, including those from last year, a really raw and in-your-face look at taking personal responsibility for your personal safety, and even some most-excellent plans for portable target stands are found on our forum at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/416-Self-Defense-and-Home-Defense, and you should do yourself a favor and read it. If it does nothing more than wake you up to the fact that people carry guns because police are too heavy and that when seconds count, the police are always just minutes away, it will be worth your time.

I wish every one of you could know how much fun it is at times to be me and do what I do with and for all of you. Yes, there’s a lot of stress and frustration at times, but the success stories are exhilarating and some of the questions I get are just downright hilarious, like this one. Meet Kent:

David,

My wife and I have been married for 18 years, and we love each other deeply. However, we’ve fallen into that rut that everybody seems to fall into. We do things together and talk, but we just don’t seem to have real fun or real intimacy anymore. We’ve done nothing but sleep in our bedroom every night this year but three, and I know exactly which three they were.

If it weren’t for our hobbies, I don’t know what we’d do. I spend much of my evenings in my workshop making jewelry boxes, turning pens, and doing other small woodworking projects, and my wife watches mystery and cop shows on TV. Every few days, she’ll get particularly antsy and fidgety and announce that she’s “going out for retail therapy” and come home with a bunch of stuff that she never wears or uses and it just ends up cluttering up the house, and then she complains about it and gives it away.

I keep telling her that she’s giving away our retirement when she does this, and that she should keep receipts and return items that she’s not going to use, but she claims that’s too embarrassing for her. I’m at the end of my rope. Can you tell me how to explain to her why she needs to stop this?

Thanks,
Kent


My response:

Hi Kent!

There’s no amount of explaining that you can do that will help the situation, and that’s not because your wife is stupid, impetuous, or enjoys trying to put you into the poor house. It’s because she’s bored. The thrill of the purchase gives her a temporary rush of adrenaline and dopamine that relieves her boredom for about long enough for her to get home, then she’s over it, and the purchases go into storage where she doesn’t have to look at them and admit that the purchase was a mistake and face her embarrassment.

I don’t see your name on my customer list and you’ve only been on this newsletter list for a little over a week, so I’m going to bet that you have no idea just what a destructive emotion boredom is for women. In a nutshell, as it gets worse, it has much of the same impact on them that sheer terror has on us. Yes, it’s really that bad. I’ve proven it 100% consistently with several hundred women. They have feelings and thoughts of desperation, are almost entirely incapable of logic, and in extreme cases even have physical manifestations like trembling hands and nausea. The good news is that this is something you can fix.

Boredom is one of the things for which a woman looks to a man to for protection; it’s the price you pay for her nurturing, and it’s a biological mechanism, not a logical one. It’s the result of chemical reactions natural to the female brain, and denying it or trying to find a way around it just doesn’t work. The good news is that acting like a man and using a few well-timed surprises and other little things can give her the small but frequent doses of excitement she needs (something so small as finding a Post-It note with a few well-chosen and heart-felt words on it will more than suffice, as an example).

You’ll find all of that and more explained in my book, should you choose to pursue it. Do the math, and I’m sure you’ll quickly realize that your wife does more damage to your checkbook in each outing than my book will do to it once, and the results are not just guaranteed, they’re a foregone conclusion if you use it. My customers have proven that consistently, time and again.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David

So how about it, Gents? Is something like this going on in your household? Wives aren’t the only ones that engage in retail therapy; men can be just as guilty of it as women. But where men can fix their boredom with a new hobby, women have the need to see a man, preferably their man, acting like a man, and to be entertained by him to some degree as well. They look to us for leadership (NOT control), and when we fail to provide it, boredom quickly ensues. Mark down the following as one of the most profound and useful things you will ever learn:

Boredom really makes women crazy. And it makes them crazy vulnerable to attraction.

That’s a double-edged sword, as some of you have found out a little too late in life. If you realize your mistake and create attraction for her to relieve her boredom, she’s swept off her feet and good to go for as long as you keep it up, but if somebody else creates it for her, it is possible for her to turn her back on you completely, especially if she has tried over the years to tell you that the problem exists and your inter-gender communications skills have been lacking enough that you didn’t understand what she was saying, because when that happens, a woman takes it that you don’t care to hear her, not that you can’t do it. Why?

Because she thinks that you speak and listen the same way she does, just as you think that she speaks and listens the same way you do, and no matter how much you want it to be that way, it just isn’t so. Both of you can easily learn the other’s natural communication style and quickly come to terms (you can easily communicate accurately with a woman by following three simple rules you’ll find in my book), but you do have to learn them and then use what you have learned.

That doesn’t take a staggering intellect; just a genuine desire. Our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, is replete with the proof that it’s not rocket science, Gentlemen; it’s women. They make up a little more than half the world’s population, which incidentally is supposed to top SEVEN BILLION this week, and if it were that difficult, our species would have been extinct long ago – they are, after all, HUMAN, just like us. But the knowledge you need has been ignored and even buried for so long that you never got the opportunity to learn it.

Instead, you had a bunch of idiots with a misandrous socio-political agenda telling you that to make a good impression on a woman you take her to a chick flick and cry with her, and you spend more on clothing and skin care products than she does. And you’re supposed to be nice and let her make all the decisions, like Mom said, right? Oh, and let’s not forget that absurd business about buying their love with expensive jewelry and other gifts, or impressing them with big money and expensive cars. A bunch of pure, unadulterated B.S., or “bovine fecal matter” as we used to say in the service, especially that last bit; women have told me personally that expensive gifts presented to try to buy their affection are insulting, and they will take them and then abuse the man to get back at him for insulting her.

So what’s going on at your house? Maybe your wife isn’t indulging in senseless shopping sprees, but is she happy? Fun? Engaged in your life and happiness? Or is she acting as bored, frustrated, and confused as you may be right now as you read this? Or would you even know?

Why take the chance? If you were hit with a divorce right now, what do you think it would cost you, in both financial and non-financial terms? Most of the men who write to me to say that they desperately need help because their wife just filed for divorce also say that they didn’t know that there was even a problem, so yes, that’s a fair question that you really need to answer.

Now, for a bigger question: If you could read a book that could mitigate some or all of that cost, especially the emotional cost of having that divorce bomb dropped on you, and put you back into a happy relationship, or get you out of a relationship or marriage that you never should have entered with some dignity and finesse, not to mention having a friend for an ex-wife instead of someone waiting around every corner to stick a knife in your back, would you read it?

When I had to answer that question, there wasn’t even a book to read. I had to write one! Everything I bought, studied and tried blew up in my face and made matters worse, and doing enough research and testing to be able to write my own book ended up being what was required to save the marriage. But you don’t have to write a book.

You can read mine; indeed, you can start reading it in the next few minutes. Just go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." You’ll see what I mean, and you can thank me for it when you’re done. For now, just get started! The longest journey ever completed started with a single step, and for you, this is the one.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

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