Thursday, October 06, 2011

Be As You Wish to Seem for the Best Relationship or Marriage You Can Have

As we see in this woman’s letter, just looking the part doesn’t get the job of creating attraction done, even when it’s somebody famous. You have to BE attractive, not just put on the act of being attractive.

It’s time to talk about the appearance and effects of wussitude again. Strap yourself in, and by the way, congratulations are in order.

I once wrote about the first episodes of “Gene Simmons’s Family Jewels,” wherein the rock idle was on television basically having handed his pants and his testicles to his wife and spent episode after episode letting her wipe her feet on him like a doormat, but I’ve heard recently that he’s corrected that and taken a pretty serious stand on some other things, so I’m going to drop that discussion in favor of something newer, because I don’t want anyone getting the idea that I’m saying the problem still exists. Credit must be given where credit is due, and I’m happy for him.

However, this woman, who also tries to give credit where credit is due, is not happy, and I can most definitely see why:

Hello, David,

I really need for you to talk to my husband. He has a bad case of “nice guy” and drives me up the wall deferring all decisions to me, following me around the house, etc., just as you write frequently about. He has been reading a lot of dating self-help material and he is misconstruing most of what he is reading. I give him credit and love him to death for trying, but if someone cannot get him to see what he is doing soon I will surely choke the life out of him.

He explains all these things to me as he reads them, and sounds as if he has spoken with an old man in a diaper and turban atop a high mountain with stars in his eyes, as if he has found some great truth. He read about leadership, and about scarcity, and how they relate to attraction, and decided that he would be more attractive to me if he spent two nights out each week throwing darts with friends, because he is good at it and can help the younger men. But I am not to go with him to see the spectacle of his leadership so that there will be scarcity. I told him it does not work that way, and he told me I would have to trust him because his mentors know what they are talking about.

He does not like being away from me, and he does not like being in bars. He likes to go to bed early and he is allergic to tobacco smoke. So he thinks he is doing all this for me, and I don’t want him to do it and I know he doesn’t want to do it either, plus it is the wrong thing for him to do for our marriage and still does not see that dumping all decisions in my lap and being underfoot all the time is the real problem. Is there anything you can tell me to help me convince him?

Thank you so much,
Charlotte

Charlotte and her husband do indeed have a problem. This is the one time when he SHOULD be deferring to her, or at least listening to her, because he really has it wrong.

Socrates said, “BE as you wish to seem.” And with good reason; a LOT of stress is created when you try to act as something or someone you are not. Stress doesn't help problems; it amplifies them. Charlotte’s husband is making the classic mistake of trying to look like something he’s not, and it’s apparently going to be a big surprise to him when she blows her stack because he’s going to be doing something he doesn’t like and expecting her to enjoy it.

Good marriages are not built on compromise and sacrifice. They are built on compatibility and cooperation. Attraction and adventure are the spice that keeps them fresh. These are not things you can fake, and if you don’t have them between you, disaster is the only possible outcome. There will be disappointment and frustration as your competition grows and compromises wear you down, as giving in and especially trying to be or enjoy things that you aren’t and don’t create expectations that cannot be met, causing resentment.

There is a discussion in one of the many threads on our forum about this, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/399-Are-Nice-Guys-Closet-Narcissists, comparing nice guys to narcissists, because they both tend to be angry and abusive when things don’t go their way. The question of whether nice guys were closet narcissists was asked, and while they’re not (because the narcissist’s entitlement mentality is pathological while the nice guy has made an effort to be liked and resents what he feels he is owed because of his efforts not being matched), it’s still fascinating to see how closely these two people, seemingly at opposite ends of the spectrum, have in common.

You should definitely join us for these and other discussions. None of us are born understanding the gender opposite, or anything else, for that matter, and we go to school to learn everything that is important to us and then spend a lifetime in on-the-job training building upon that basic education, but while you know that you can’t do integral calculus without first learning simple mathematical principles, everyone seems to think that just jumping right into relationships without any preparation is going to bring success. It isn’t. Even if you’re very, very lucky, you’re still going to have to learn some very important and not-so-obvious fundamental facts and truths before you have a chance. Our forum is a good place to do your advanced study, but how do you get that basic core of fundamental knowledge to build upon?

Easy! Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and read it, learn what you need to know, follow the few very simple instructions, and watch what happens as your understanding and awareness grow. Then enjoy being one of us very few men who really know what women want, especially our own partner, the one that matters most, and enjoy your new life!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

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