Sunday, June 05, 2011

Where Have All the Real Men Gone? Fighting the Extinction of Great Relationships and Marriage

Real, masculine men who are truly comfortable both in their own skin and in positions of leadership and authority are nearly an extinct species, in spite of all the information available to help men avoid drowning in a sea of wussitude. Why? What can you do to protect yourself and reverse the damage that has been done? Will the woman in your life appreciate it? (You BET she will!)

There is something I have to talk about from time to time because it bugs the hell out of not only me, but virtually every woman alive. Women and the dating gurus are also mentioning it, so it’s not just me. Men are rapidly deteriorating into miserable wusses at an accelerating rate, and it’s getting scary.

During conversations with men, the most ridiculous things keep coming up. Fights over things that wives have found out from non-family members that they should have found out from their husbands, leaving decisions about outings, dates, etc., to the women, total indecision about career and asking their wife not for input, but for decisions about what they should do! Men being afraid to be men!!! It’s a disgusting and unfortunate by-product of a lot of miscommunication (and arguably, misinformation) in the 80’s and 90’s.

I still keep tabs on the gurus in the dating world, and Shelley McMurtry has reported that she went into a bunch of bars in a major Texas city where men and women used to “hook up” regularly, and it was the same story, singles style – the bars full of women, dressed to the nines and obviously looking for action while the men are playing pool, talking to each other in hushed tones with slumped shoulders and drinking, sneaking a peek at the women and mentally undressing them but rarely if ever walking up to them and introducing themselves, let alone initiating a conversation. Again, disgusting!

Being married, I’m seldom in a bar because I have much better things to do with my time, but on the rare occasions I’m in a bar, coffee house, or anywhere else that single men and women are, I see the men eyeing the women, looking sheepish, and not approaching. The only ones who appear to be taking any action are the nerdy-looking pick-up artists, sporting their peacock gear a la Neil Strauss, in “The Game,” and as Strauss describes finding out at the end of his book, that’s all just a show to get women’s attention, and has nothing behind it worthy of a relationship or that could ever sustain a relationship, and women are so aware of this that they refer to the pick-up artists’ approach as “running game” on them.

"The Game" is a great book, by the way, and while you won’t learn much about long-term relationships other than what to avoid doing if you want one, it’s still fascinating to see how far wusses will go to try to make up for not having alpha male characteristics they could easily develop in themselves. I have also been told that there are some local groups of married men who study the psychology of the PUA scene and use it to try to better their marriages. I have no idea of the results, but the men speak of the group being supportive.

My own exposure to the PUA scene and culture was nothing short of revolting, because there is little that is more disgusting than watching a man seeking a woman’s attention, but I was chastised by one of these men for being narrow-minded and demonizing PUA groups. It was not my mind, but my experience that was limited, specifically to those in the dating part of PUA, which he said was a totally different world, so in the interest of fairness, I’m printing his report of his experience as well. You can easily tell for yourself if your local group will be of any help by simply listening to what they teach; if they espouse attention-getting, which is tantamount to approval-seeking no matter how many “negs” you throw at a woman, it’s going to hurt more than it helps. But I digress…

When I’m out and watching couples interact, I rarely see a man walking with his head up, smiling and looking confident; he’s usually looking either angry or lost as his wife or girlfriend seems to be leading him around and making all the decisions, and when she stops to talk to another woman, you can see the looks of “yeah, I’m out with stupid wuss-boy here again, and I’ll call ya later and give you a good laugh about his latest stupidity” from across a shopping mall. Double disgusting!

Gentlemen, it is our station in life to make decisions – not to force our decisions on everyone else, mind you – but to be decisive when we have information; strong, and confident to the point of being benevolently aggressive and even a slight bit arrogant, and having the gonads and intestinal fortitude to talk to women about whatever we want or need to discuss with them, looking into their eyes, not at our feet. We are born and bred to lead. There is no excuse for failing in this regard. Nor is there an excuse for being towed around a place we don’t want to be like a little red wagon, or more appropriately, a child being led by the nose or ear to a place to be punished for his bad behavior.

Yes, we’ve been programmed by our mothers, our teachers, ex-girlfriends, Hollywood, etc., to be “nice,” to “share our feelings,” to be “sensitive,” and do a lot of ridiculous crap that literally annoys women to death, whether they realize it as they are doing it or not, but we are not born or built that way. We are born male, with the capacity to be authoritative, confident, and able to comfortably exercise leadership, and it is our natural state. No matter how long and how severely you have been programmed, you can deprogram yourself with a little knowledge and very little effort.

Did you catch that? I said “deprogram,” not “reprogram.” You don’t have to listen to subliminal programming messages, psych yourself up, fake yourself out, or play any kind of head game with yourself. All you have to do is scrap the idea that you’re some kind of second-class citizen because you have a pair of testicles and become comfortable just living and being a man who loves life. If your life isn’t a life you can love, realize that a man can choose what he wants and work his way up to it, no matter what it is. Self-improvement is not difficult; it’s the realization that self-improvement is a reward, not a chore, and that anyone who is able to earn it is able to deserve it that most people have a problem with.

By the way, how are women responding to all these girly-men? They’re getting more and more bored and frustrated with them, and pushing them harder and harder towards an emotional explosion in hopes of just getting a glimpse of their maleness. There are quite a few men and women on our forum,, right now who are in the worst stages of this problem, women trying to find something to hang onto so they don’t leave their husband (and absent attraction, having a very hard time doing so), and men who are losing or have lost their wives to the same cause, seeing and correcting their errors and hoping they can get their departing or estranged wives to spend enough time with them to see the change before the divorce is final. And reading the stories on both sides make you wonder how our species has survived, let alone flourished nearly to the point of over-population.

Women don’t want us to be supermen, just real men, to the extent of risking a huge fight to see us do it, and when they don’t get what they want, they continue to escalate until your worst nightmare begins: they decide you may be unsalvageable, and then either affairs or divorce proceedings start, because such things will either get your attention and finally call you to action or at least provide them some relief in the form of drama and a change of scenery. (The one partial exception I’ve noted is in marriages where there is a high level of religious involvement, in which cases the woman “wears the pants in the family,” and both parties to the marriage are obviously unhappy, usually stuck in that “comfortably unhappy” state I warn you about.)

At that point, they have nothing to lose either way. It takes time, and they don’t like going through it, and if they see you suddenly start trying to improve, they will cautiously encourage you while skeptically testing you to see if you have the courage of your convictions and will see it through, or just shrug it off and consign yourself forever to terminal wussitude.

Women don’t mind at all telling us what they want, either, if we ask in a way that communicates genuine interest in understanding them rather than an attempt to find a new way to either appease their anger or get into their pants. What’s reputed to be the greatest mystery of all, what women really want, is no mystery at all, and I can show you a whole group of women dedicated to helping men get it if you’ll just visit our forum, It’s really not that hard to understand if you just want to understand it.

You can fix this, starting right now, if you have the desire and guts and of course, know how to read. That’s all it takes. You’re reading this, so you’re one third of the way home already. Go for broke. Go to and download your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” right now. Fix this before it gets out of hand, and be one of the few and the proud instead of one of the many and lame.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

No comments: