Thursday, April 21, 2011

Words, Deeds, Emotions, and Reality, and How They Can Make or Break Your Relationship or Marriage

A very disturbing example of how women's emotions, left unchecked, cause them to ignore and even reject reality. (For the record, men fall prey to this, too, but usually to a lesser degree because it's at least partially biologically-influenced by the same gender-specific differences in brain structure responsible for gender-specific differences in our communication skill levels and styles.)

My heart goes out to this reader, Dawn. She appears to have the man of her dreams, and knows it, but is apparently suffering the same fate as all men and women who refuse to look at their partners' actions as evidence of the status of their relationship. She presents symptoms of a bit of a self-esteem deficit, and this causes her to question whether she deserves this man she enjoys so much, which in turn is creating a trust issue. She thinks it is him that she doesn't trust, but if you read between the lines, it's actually her ability to hold him that she questions. And make no mistake, this can quickly destroy an otherwise very solid relationship. More discussion after the letter.
Meet Dawn:

Dear David,

I am writing you to tell you I think your book is one of the best I have read in my life time. I bought your book not with my boyfriend in mind, but for me so I could get a better handle on what has been bothering me about our relationship. This wonderful man in my life could have been the role model for your book and I love every part of him. In fact, sometimes I think I love him to the point of wishing he and I were the only people on the planet. Meeting him eight years ago was the best thing that ever happened to me and even though he was married and so was I at the time we fell in love with each other. I know there are going to be people who think our relationship is wrong, but I could care less what they think. After all these years he has never given me any reason to be jealous and most all the time I am not. I am very proud of him. My reason for writing you is that sometimes though I am very jealous. It is embarrassing me and making me nuts. I can not eat, sleep or stop my mind from thinking up all kinds of things.

It has come up at times and he always tells me things like "in the past eight years have I ever given you any reason to even think that?" To be honest he has never given me any reason to think he would even look at another woman, but still sometimes it comes up. The most recent worry is he has joined a small network of professionals who get together weekly and trade contacts, tips and such and I think about the women in the group. Not that he is going out with one of them just that they might spark something in him that I do not anymore. I want to make sure I am the spark that lights his fire if you know what I mean. He needs to be around people who get things done because that is how he is and that is one of the things I so love about him.

I need your help and I am desperate because I hate feeling this way and I would never let him know how I feel about this because it might just drive a wedge between us. I have never been the jealous type and am not sure why I have these feelings now. I would give my life for this man, but now I am not so sure I could give him up. I want to be with this man till the day I die and I need to handle this before I go crazy. I know actions speak louder than words and his actions tell me how much he loves me and I feel that every time we are together, but is it wrong to want to be told you are the only one from time to time? I know according to things I have read that wanting to be told is some sort of insecurity, but I do not feel like that is the case here.

Please David can you help me? I have never loved anyone like I do now and the way he makes me feel I want to be with him making love, talking and just enjoying our time together. He is the ultimate manly man and any woman who can see just how great he is I am sure would want him as much as I do. I am just lucky enough to love him and have him love me back.

Please forgive me if this letter sounds childish, I started writing and it just all came out not in the way I had it in my mind, but it stills says it all. I do not want to make a mistake and take a chance on loosing the one thing I have done in my life that finally makes me happy. I appreciate your time in reading this letter and I hope to hear from you soon.


My reply:

Dawn, thank you for writing and trusting me to help you, because you do have a problem. It's pretty bad, and one that's not going to go away until you make it go away. I can see from what you wrote that you did pick up from my book and these newsletters that his actions tell all, and you say you can see in stark reality that you are all he wants. The problem is two-fold...

First, you're having a self-esteem problem. It's not him that you are not trusting, it's your own ability to keep him interested. Read carefully what you wrote and you'll see what I mean. All your fears are focused on you losing him to people who are different from you because you perceive them to be different, and therefore potentially BETTER than you. You have to stop that, and now. Accept what you know of your husband and your relationship, and then dealing with the second problem will provide the remainder of the solution for this problem.

The second problem is that you seem to be comparing people in his professional life to yourself, but you are his PERSONAL life. Notice that your husband didn't say he needs to be around OTHER people; he said he needs to be around "people who get things done." In anyone's professional life, if surrounded with losers, they will drag you down with them. If you surround yourself with achievers, they help you to stay motivated to succeed in your own endeavors. It's like soldiers telling war stories, a self-confirming camaraderie that encourages good professional behavior.

Since your husband is an achiever and seeks the company of achievers in his professional life, he probably sees you as an achiever on some acceptable level in personal ways and maybe in a professional way as well (you didn't mention your professional life so I can't comment), but he doesn't want his personal and professional lives to mingle; otherwise he may have tried to involve you in his business, which logic would dictate you would have mentioned if he had done so. That's how achievers become over-achievers and then get burned out. They need the insulation and separation of their personal and professional lives.

You're not necessarily wrong to want to know that you are the only one, but you admit that you already know it. Does hearing it, when anyone could say it to you, really prove anything? I could tell you that you were the only one for me even though we've never met! Would that mean anything to you? Of course not. For that matter, a man could tell you that he loves you right before beating you senseless, raping you, or even killing you. Words mean nothing without action backing them up, and when the action is there, the words are redundant, so in all cases, they're functionally moot, other than to give you an emotional rush from time to time.

Do this: Let yourself feel the impact of his actions, full force. Don't just play with romance, be a true romantic: look for the best, the beautiful, the heroic, the poetic, in everything around you, especially what your husband does. Don't exaggerate or try to create something that isn't there; simply look for what is, appreciate it, and allow yourself to feel that you deserve it - you obviously do or he wouldn't have been with you for EIGHT YEARS!

Next, have your husband read "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." It's obvious that he's already attractive, and you can use that to your advantage to get him to read the communications and attraction sections to help him better understand your needs and what makes you the way you are. If you're not comfortable just showing him the book and saying that you have read it, found it interesting and think that he should read it as well, tell him that you've read it and you're thrilled by how much of the things in the book describe things that he does, and that he should read it himself because he would enjoy it and will learn some things about what makes women, especially you, "tick" in the process - things that you would like for him to know but the book does a better job of explaining than you can. No achiever ever turns down the opportunity to check out good information, even if they think they may already know all of it. Achievers are always on the lookout for more knowledge, a new angle on old knowledge, a new way to use old knowledge, a better way to do things, etc.

He'll learn about your needs for knowing that he thinks of you from time to time and how to appropriately communicate that, how to "read" you and tell when you're needing a little extra attention, and learn to appreciate the complex system of things that you do for him every day that he may "feel" around him but has never been able to put his finger on and thereby be able to fully appreciate.

Take care, and keep in touch,

Gentlemen (and Ladies), I keep saying it, and will continue to say it until I can no longer speak. The best way for both of you to be happy is for everyone to know what it takes to keep making HER happy, because that in turn ignites the nurturing, playfulness, and sexiness that every woman is born with and literally DRIVE her to make those around her happy. It takes a little understanding and effort for us men to do what is so automatic for women, and once we begin, we start a self-perpetuating cycle that doesn't end until we get stupid or lazy and end it - not even after our deaths do women stop feeling attraction for us if we keep it going for them, because once turned on, it has to be turned off for it to stop.

Learn what it is, how it works, and how to do it better than ever in "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," by downloading your copy at today! And while you’re at it, join our forum at and talk with the men and women there to see that this really isn’t rocket science, isn’t painful, and is in fact fun. Oh, yeah, I’m there too! ;-)

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

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