Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Why Nice Guys Finish Last, Especially in Relationships, Part 3, the Pedestal

Continuing our study, let’s look at the guy who puts a woman on a pedestal, unwittingly setting both of them up for disappointment.

First, some forum news: At one time I had all the security settings configured such that guests who were not yet registered had no access except to register. This was an effort to try to stop spammers from polluting our forum with their unwanted advertising, vandals from posting obscene or otherwise offensive material anonymously just because they thought it was funny to embarrass or offend people, and abusive people with an ax to grind giving our user community a hard time while hiding behind the anonymity of the “Guest” usergroup and “Anonymous” user name.

It worked, but it was also damaging to our effort to reach out to legitimate people. It made it impossible for people to check out our forum and see if it was for them (which I really never understood the need for because registration was simply a nickname and e-mail address and we keep e-mail addresses private, but some are more concerned with such things than others), and this morning I received an e-mail accusing me of hosting free reports on our forum to force people to sign up as members to obtain them. I didn’t really understand that, either, since we don’t e-mail forum members about anything except additions of new features at the forum (no special offers to buy anything, affiliate product e-mails, or any of that crap) and requests for involvement with specific users’ issues, but if that’s the perception, it had to be changed. So it has been.

We’ve been using some excellent security software and techniques which have stopped the spam “bots” since then, which only left live humans to deal with. I altered the security settings so that if for some reason a visitor wants to read any post (except the one ultra-private area where those who retain me on a monthly basis conduct scheduling), download any posted document, or e-mail articles to friends, they can. You just can’t post your own questions or comments without being a registered user. That has allowed people with legitimate interests to see and download what they want, check us out, etc., but not let the social retards and predators harass our guests.

I then took the further step of subscribing to the “Stop Forum Spam” service which allows us a direct interface between our forum and the forum spammers database they maintain; if the username, e-mail address, or IP address of someone registering matches an entry on the list, they cannot register. What these jokers try to do is register on forums with automated software, then using the username and password from successful registrations, they use other automated software to log in and either “scrape” the site (copy all the posts to be duplicated elsewhere for SEO ratings) or worse, make nebulous posts about solving a problem or finding a deal on something and leaving a link to a site that either tries to sell them fake drugs, steal their ID and credit card info in a fake purchase process for some incredibly cheap information product, or load up their computer with malware (spyware, trojans, etc.) or scareware (those programs that tell you that you have a bazillion viruses on your computer that they’ll fix for $39.95, and then screw your computer up so that you have a hard time bypassing them.

It’s a pain in the neck for all of you at a minimum, and a risk to your computers at most, so responsible forum operators like me spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to keep them weeded out. So far, the methods in place have proven 100% effective, but we’re always looking for other ways to improve, so if anyone has any further observations or suggestions, please post them on our forum at http://forum.makingherhappy.com or, if you don’t want to register, e-mail them to forum@makingherhappy.com and we’ll look into it.

Getting into today’s lesson, most of us have made this mistake at one time or another, and all too many make it every time they get into a relationship, or even try to get into one, for that matter. They put women on a pedestal.

(This is something that men have a terrible tendency to do with both their partner and their mother, both of whom are human and don’t want to be “deified,” and after you finish this lesson, I’d strongly suggest you also review this article on the subject at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/358-Whom-Did-You-Marry-a-Wife-or-a-Mother-Figure-Roles-and-Perceptions-in-Relationships-and-Marriage to gain a more thorough understanding of how failure to recognize any woman’s human qualities inhibits your ability to enjoy their company.)

As cliché as this problem is, it’s all too common. But so is being a wuss and thinking that a woman likes that. So pay close attention and think with me here.

What happens when you put a woman on a pedestal? You create expectations that neither of you can live up to, and set both of you up for failure and disappointment. No woman is any more perfect than any man, yet you foment the idea that she is “pure,” “perfect,” etc. Have you given any thought to what happens in the case that she might actually start believing it?

The first thing that will happen is your social dynamics will change. She will no longer be looking for your leadership; she’ll be ordering you around. After all, you’ve made her into a goddess. She’s always right, you’re always wrong. She’s justified in doing anything, and you nothing. And she will start testing to see where her limits are, too, just like a child, looking for firm ground to stand on, so to speak.

And what happens when this goddess’ demands become unreasonable, then annoying and frustrating, and then downright maddening as she becomes more aggressive with her demands and less accountable for her actions?

How much respect could she have for you at that point? Or you have for yourself?

Then comes the inevitable failure to live up to being on that pedestal. She gets bored because she’s a goddess without a god to entertain and lead her, and then there’s an affair, or she leaves. Your “goddess” has sent you to the self-styled Hell of rejection, betrayal, and loneliness.

Women don’t want to be worshipped, Gentlemen, at least not for long, and not often, if ever. Loved, yes. Respected, yes. Made to feel special from time to time, or even often, absolutely. Shown that your commitment to your relationship with them is real and deep, you bet. But rather than worshipped, they prefer, and most importantly, RESPOND TO, being led, and treated as a partner, not a goddess. They can live up to being a partner, but they can no more live up to being a goddess than a soccer ball can – or you, even if you had the correct “plumbing.”

So again, what we’ve been taught is “nice” isn’t nice at all, for either of you, unless she’s a predator or parasite, in which case it’s nice for her for awhile, until she gets bored with you and sucks you dry, and then moves on.

So think about this, in earnest: What do you want in a woman? (Aside from your genitalia, of course!) Do you want a spoiled, abusive brat who eventually falls from the pedestal you place her on and breaks your heart after sucking the life out of you? Or do you want a loving partner to share your love and life with?

A no-brainer, right?

Then never again shall you put any woman on a pedestal. Here endeth the lesson…

Well, no, not quite. There’s a lot more to having a great relationship and marriage than keeping a woman at your side and off a pedestal. Do you have a solid foundation of compatibility? Do you have love? Do you naturally create attraction? Can you communicate on her level and grow closer together? Can you make your differences complimentary instead of competitive, so that they are life-enhancing instead of an on-going source of conflict and problems?

All of those questions need answers, real answers, not assumptions, and certainly not opinions or theories. After all, your life together depends on them, as does your life as an individual to a great extent for as long as you’re in a relationship or marriage. Or had you thought of that?

There may be a lot you’ve not thought of, and a lot that you have thought of, heard and been told that is complete and utter crap. After all, if everybody had the answers, guys like me who enjoy our life and a great marriage wouldn’t be making a living providing them to you.

And not so obvious, yet more to the point, is that if the other people providing you answers had the answers to fix your problem, I would have never gotten into this project and this business, because I would have been able to use all the answers that I bought when I had problems instead of having to gather a research group together and find them on my own.

But I did, and fortunately for you, turned it into a book, one that you can have in the next minute or two if you go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download it. And one thing that is in that book that you’ll never see in these newsletters is probably the most important thing of all: the EASY WAY to make all this happen. So do yourself a huge favor. Click that link and get started on the path to being the man that every woman wants and that you’ll enjoy being.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

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