Friday, March 25, 2011

Don't Just ACT Attractive, BE Attractive for a Great Relationship or Marriage -- It's EASIER!

Simply trying to act attractive won’t work; you can’t live a lie for very long before you get caught. The good news is that you can quickly change yourself, your self-perception, and BE attractive, so that it’s effortless and fun because it’s natural.

I really wish the rest of you would come on over to our forum and jump in. It is really getting to be a lot of fun. Aside from everyone getting relationship help, we’re talking sports, cooking and grilling, coffee roasting, kids, old movies, medieval reenactments, and more, and that’s just the beginning. Sometime in the near future, probably on a weekend so that the most people can participate, we’re going to have a live chat party, open forum, anything goes. And ladies, there are a LOT of single men coming in. Need I say more? It’s and if you’re not there, you ARE missing out.

I’m going to break tradition here this morning, and address something that is really bothering me badly, speaking to both the men and women of this list. I’m going to ask everyone to read it in its entirety, although it may appear briefly to be impertinent; the conclusion and advice will bring everything into clear focus and you will absolutely find it worth reading.

I mentioned a while back that I was reading a notorious book for women on how to “capture a husband” called “The Rules” and I’ve finished it, several times. It is the most disturbing book I have ever read. Why?

First, I want to say up front that I’m not setting out to trash another author’s work. There is some very good advice in that book on issues of personal safety and a few other things, but the authors, like most men and women, apparently knew little to nothing about female attraction. (Guys, again, stay with me here…)

Their focus was on getting married, using tactics that one of their grandmothers imparted to them, tactics that were developed and used well over a hundred years ago when for women, marrying well was still a survival skill and marrying for love was a very low priority. If getting married, without regard to the quality of man you marry or whether he is a good match for you, is your only concern, what they present will work, however…

Many of the tactics they tout involve preying on a man’s insecurities to manipulate his emotions and control his reactions; they openly state this at more than one point in the book, and then try to rationalize it. Any woman will tell you that she cannot respect or be attracted to a man she can easily manipulate or control. So while this may get a woman married, it would not be to the man of her dreams, it would be to a scared, needy wuss, someone who jumped at them out of insecurity instead of joining them out of shared joy. These tactics would never work on a secure alpha male. Even more disturbing, and the bigger issue was…

Much of the advice was worded and in a context that implied not being attractive, but putting on an attractive act. They also kept alluding to people who didn’t follow the program because putting on an act was too hard. Part of what was so disturbing was that they saw the problem as it being too hard to keep up an act and advising women not to discuss what they were doing so that nobody would talk them out of it – read “verify that it was a bad idea” – instead of realizing that the fix for being unattractive was to BECOME attractive, not to just try to ACT attractive.

Gentlemen (and Ladies!) I cannot overstress how bad a strategy this is, especially since putting on an act takes many times the effort of actually tuning up. At best, when you try to act attractive instead of just becoming attractive, you’re only replacing one kind of stress with another, one source of frustration with another, and one fear with another. The things that you should do to be attractive and exciting to the kind of person you want to attract and excite, especially as your partner – independent, confident, caring, etc. – are fun things, not stressful things. They are things that have a positive impact in your entire life, not just your relationship with your partner, such as personal achievements, great and small.

Indeed, I received this comment on the subject today in a private e-mail from one of our forum members:

“I've found myself slurring the line between my ambition to recapture/save/improve my marriage and all the rest of the elements of my life. I think it's nearly impossible to not have significant spill-over of improved perspective. I've always (barring momentary grievous life events) approached life and my interests with a strong type-A ambition, but my troubling marital problems etched away at my confidence and ambition. As a result of the many perspective and knowledge adjustments I've learned from you, I've found myself re-tooling my life, my goals, my time, and my family structure.”

And he's one of many who have made such comments. So it behooves you to step up to some fun and adventure, and take that extra step or two and make whatever changes to yourself real and permanent. Life’s too short to spend it afraid of discovery and stressed out!

I usually try to focus on only one point at a time, but these were all so inter-related that it seemed logical to address them together. I’ll sum it up for you to make sure we are on the same page:

1. Always look at the motivation behind and purpose for any advice anyone gives you, and make sure they are competent to give it by virtue of having succeeded at (and by!) doing whatever they’re advising you to do.

2. Any attraction tactic that preys on a man’s or a woman’s insecurities is bad; indeed, if they respond strongly to such a tactic, consider it a red flag that there is a self-esteem issue there to deal with, and if this person is already your partner, try to help them build self-esteem, don’t continue to tear it down by gouging it with scarcity. Preying on insecurity or anything else is a manipulative act of a predator, by definition, right? This is not rocket science.

3. Any attraction tactic that requires that you lie to your partner (or prospect, if you are in or end up in the dating world) or put on an act will ultimately just add to your problems, not fix them. The key to happiness is to simplify life, not add more complexity and potential for mishap, frustration, and disappointment.

4. Your goal in any relationship should be to have a good match, so that you can be yourself as much as possible and through compatibility find shared values and the love that it brings. Your personal goal should be to make yourself all that you can be so that you can live the life, not just look like it. As the saying goes, “Don’t just talk the talk, walk the walk.”

5. Any time you approach a relationship or situation in fear of it not working out instead of looking forward to enjoying it when it does work out, you’re setting yourself up for stress and ultimately failure. If you can’t be confident in what you are pursuing, seek knowledge and training, and make the self-improvements that are necessary to achieve and deserve the success you desire. See those who have done what you want to do as mentors to be sought out, not competitors to beat down. The difference in success and failure is very often just the difference in starting with proper preparation and just trying to “wing it.”

There is a lot of tested and proven information in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” that will get you to that level of relationship quality and competence that will let you enjoy it instead of being bored with it or fearing losing it. I’ve used it, my support staff has used it, and the many folks who have bought the book have used it, and the most negative comment I’ve received to date has been “Great stuff!” so I’m guaranteeing that it will work for you, too – you won’t risk a thing except a few hours to read it. Download your copy today at, because life is too short to spend it stressed out, scared, bored, frustrated, and celibate.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

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