Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Confession! How Some Women Trap Men into Long-Term Relationships and Marriage

Another MUST READ! A female reader discloses several of the ways she was taught by her mother to trap a man into marrying her.

What a day this has turned out to be! I got a letter from a whistle-blower! And wait until you see what she has to say. Her mother taught her how to ensnare a man, one of the worst mistakes a woman can make if she wants to be happily married.

The biggest reason for marriages to utterly and violently fail is that the “partners” never actually function as partners because they are badly mismatched, but desperation, deceit, attraction, need, or unfortunate circumstances (being abused in parents’ home, pregnant, etc.) cause them to choose to marry anyway.

Such couples may try to hack it out for years but I’ve never seen nor heard of a couple that was happy or satisfied in an environment of tension and friction over conflicting values, philosophies, priorities, etc. The longest I’ve seen to date was 68 years, utterly miserable the entire time. It ended when one member of the couple died, and the other celebrated finally getting to have a life after finally being under the deceased’s thumb for 68 years. I see twenty-year and thirty-year relationships like that every week – what is wrong with people??? Identifying that you are in such a situation is the first step in getting out of it and trying to make a happy life possible, and life is too short to spend literally DECADES miserable like that.

Before I continue, please note that, contrary to the comments of some morons who have read nothing more than one or two of my newsletters before passing a very erroneous and emotionally-driven judgment, I do NOT advocate divorce as a blanket solution to marital problems. I advocate divorce only when reality dictates it because there are insurmountable marital problems. It is a weapon of last resort, not a first line of defense.

For the record and your understanding, I mainly recommend divorce as a solution to problems that are 100% fatal to a marriage, such as a lack of necessary compatibility or being tied to a parasite, predator, or an abuser, which cannot be corrected and no compromise will compensate for, so that individuals who are in a no-win situation can have a chance at enjoying a relationship with the foundation required to make a lifetime commitment not only reasonable, but enjoyable. Again, it is and should only be used as a weapon of last resort when all other reasonable options are exhausted, not your first line of defense.

However, if a marriage was doomed before the participants ever said, “I do,” it should be deployed immediately and with both finality and the cooperation of the participants so that they have a chance to invest their time and effort in something that has a chance of bringing them happiness instead of frustration, resentment, and emptiness leading them to lie, have affairs, and destroy their self-esteem, reputation, and lives.

And those of you reading this and thinking, “Yes I have that kind of trouble, but divorce is a sin,” you should be asking yourself whether you want to be forgiven for one sin of divorce or multiple sins of lies, cheating, adultery, etc. How many times will you say, “I love you,” and not mean it? How many other lies will you tell just to try to get along? How many times will you look at others and wish you were with them? How many times will you get caught looking, be asked what you’re looking at, and answer anything in the world except what you were really looking at? If you’re in this kind of situation, get an accurate perspective before you waste and/or trash the rest of your life.

So now let’s get on with today’s lesson.

A reader has written to inform us of some of the ways that her mother taught her to use to ensnare a man she thought would take good care of her. And before anybody decides to send me hate mail, I AM NOT saying that all women do this, or that most do it. Some do it, just as some men (using different tactics, of course) do it, and of those I’ve spoken with who did, most regretted it so much that they wouldn’t do it again. Then there are those few parasites and predators that can’t even discuss regretting it because they’re too damaged to realize how bad it is or how unhappy they are.

This is about helping you to check to see if it’s happened to you, not to convince you that it has. So keep an open mind and a view of the facts as you proceed, and in case you missed it, the article from a couple of days ago, “Don’t ACT Attractive, BE Attractive for a Great Relationship and Marriage,” also speaks of this kind of scenario and has more advice that you wont’ want to miss. Catch it at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/645-Don-t-Just-ACT-Attractive-BE-Attractive-for-a-Great-Relationship-or-Marriage-It-s-EASIER! if you haven’t already.

So now, without further ado, meet Mary. She has a lot to say:

Hi David,

First of all let me say that your book was at first a pill I had a hard time swallowing, not because it was not the truth, but because it hit the nail on the head and made me realize just how much of a pain the ass I could be to my boyfriend. To this day I cannot believe I could look at myself and not see what I was doing, but it made me really start to think about my actions and the way I talked and took care of problems with Jack. So thank you for opening my eyes and letting the light in. Our friends look at us now and see the perfect couple instead of the couple most likely to kill each other.

The main reason I am writing to you is to tell you about a discussion I had with my mother last night. She asked me how things were going with Jack and me and when we were going to get married. I told her that things were fine but he hadn’t yet brought up getting married, even though we’ve been together for four years and living together for the last two years. She started telling me about all the things that her mother taught her about how to snare or trap a man into marrying.

I listened for over two hours to her describing things that her mother’s generation and her generation had done, the reasons they had done them, and the outcomes, and by the end of it, I was literally sick to my stomach. I was also angry at her for thinking I should even consider doing something like she described, because I have a good job and can get along quite well on my own, where in her day (she’s nearly 70) marrying the right man was like a hunting skill, because if you wanted to be comfortable, you had to marry a man of means.

She told me a dozen stories about friends and family members using pregnancy to get married. Some would get pregnant while others would claim to be pregnant long enough to get married and then “lose” the baby. One of my aunts would claim to be pregnant, get the engagement ring, lose the baby, break off the engagement, and then pawn or sell the ring for money for liquor. She died in a drunk-driving accident when she was 26.

She said that when a man has low self-esteem, playing the virgin card almost always worked. She told me a lot of stories about women who teased men and refused to have sex until they were married because they wanted to “save themselves” for their husband. I was amazed at how she could say that it “worked” when so many of the people she talked about were date-raped before they got married, some of whom ended up pregnant without a husband.

She also told me to make sure that I was “a chef in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor, and a whore in the bedroom,” but not to worry because I wouldn’t have to do it after we were married, because he only had to feel special until he said “I do,” and then I could train him to be what I wanted him to be. Yeah, right. I’m 39 years old, and have never been able to get a man to put a new bag in the trash when he empties it, and have only been able to get one to empty it. I’ll not get into the issue with the toilet seat. She called this “plan B” for when you could no longer claim to be a virgin, and under plan B, you have sex whenever he wants it, not when you want it.

She said to just go along with whatever he wants to do, and act like I enjoyed all the same stuff that he did so he’d think I was the perfect mate. She called this “the icing on the cake” that would make a man who wanted my body marry me to have it, and that I could quit doing all this stuff with him after the honeymoon too, just by claiming that I was too busy with the house or kids or whatever, because there’s always a way to look too busy to have fun with him, and he wouldn’t mind if I told him to go out and have fun with his friends. I just needed to make sure that I stashed money out of his paychecks so that he didn’t have enough to afford enough fun to involve another woman.

Sucking up to his family was another big ploy, especially if he called his mother a lot. She said getting along with his mother was more important than getting along with him, at least until the wedding. At the same time, a woman is supposed to make him feel like she would follow him anywhere, even if it meant never seeing her own family again.

Biting your tongue and never arguing, no matter what, was also a great tool for reeling a man in, and she said that giving in to his whims and not nagging about anything would make him feel like he owned me. No matter what the issue, he was to be right, until he said, “I do.”

Then came the hook. Doing all of these things to show him what kind of a life he could “expect” was followed by a sudden withdrawal, saying, “I don’t think you love me. I do all this for you, and you’ve not brought up marriage. I’m going to go away on a trip with my girlfriends for a few days to let you think about this, and I’ll call you when I get back, unless I run into someone who appreciates me more than you do.” She said it’s like dangling a treat in front of a dog, and the higher you hold it the higher they’ll jump to try to reach it.

I’m still upset with my mother, mainly because she really thought that I would want to do these things. I’ve been married once before, I was alone for eight years before I met Jack and had an active and enjoyable dating life, I have six-figure income, own my house and four rental properties, and my retirement is already secure. I do not need a man around, but I do enjoy a good one, and by the way, thank you for what you’ve done for Jack and me. We may never marry, but I’m quite happy with the way things are now. He’s an alpha male from the ground up now, listens when I talk with him, and I’ve not been bored since he finished your book. Thanks for getting us out of that rut we had slipped into.

Be well,
Mary T.

Wow! Thanks for the letter, Mary. I’m glad to see that things are looking up for you, and in addition to the tactics you shared, I want to thank you for showing my readers that women can in fact achieve just as much as men and that the old paradigm of using “The Rules” to trap a man into marrying you is a bad idea from a woman’s point of view as well as a man’s.

Guys, a good match-up breeds everything else that makes a relationship work. It’s what creates love, respect, trust, and all those things that are the foundation of a happy long-term relationship. If you’ve seen the symptoms of what Mary described and you’ve been constantly unhappy, you at least need to take a look at whether there is any livable future to be had by staying in your relationship.

Attraction makes for a lot of fun, but yo-yoing from fun to fight spoils the fun, and that’s just no way to live. Sure, and occasional disagreement or fight is going to happen, but if you’re into a major altercation once or more per month and your relationship doesn’t seem to work anywhere except the bedroom, you’re mismatched, and there is no amount of counseling, hoping, praying, or anything else that is going to fix that. The kind of change that would be required to fix such a problem would in turn require that someone remake their self to suit the other, and people just don’t do that; indeed, they generally resent any pressure to do so on any level and it adds hatred to an already-bad situation.

But, if you have that foundation, learning how to communicate with the women in your life, especially your partner, is an easily-developed skill that will make all of them enjoyable to live or work with, and will deepen and amplify all elements of the foundation; do you think you can have true intimacy with a woman when you can’t communicate with her?

Then, the real icing on the cake is to understand “what makes her tick” and what she really wants in her “perfect man,” to make life fun and exciting and save her from that most torturous of all female ailments, boredom. It’s done by simply understanding what flips her natural, biological attraction switches on and doing it, which is ridiculously easy because what flips those switches on is acting like a man naturally acts when you remove all the wussy programming that has been shoved down our throats since the 1960’s.

That’s right! Becoming the “ultimate” male doesn’t involve programming yourself, it’s requires DEPROGRAMMING yourself, when means getting rid of the stress of trying, even subconsciously, to be something that you naturally are not. We are born to be something that women find overwhelmingly sexually attractive to perpetuate the species, and somewhere along the line most of us “learn” things that takes us away from this behavior, because it’s not “politically correct,” or “socially acceptable.”

If you don’t think so, look at a playground and see the ease with which little boys pull pigtails and the insecurity they have later in life when it comes time to ask one – even the same one who’s pigtails he pulled earlier in life -- out on a date? Women have had enough of this wuss programming and behavior, and they’ve come forward in droves to tell us so, and to remind us of what it is they really want, and it’s been translated from “girly-ese” to “man-speak” for you to make sure you don’t miss a single point. They even congregate on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, to discuss it and help spread the word!

Great news, right? It gets even better! How you can shed this wussy programming and be exactly what you were born to be, and incidentally, what every woman wants, is all contained in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" in an instantly downloadable e-book (how’s that for immediate gratification?!) at http://www.makingherhappy.com. Sure you can do it, because you were born to do it. That’s what that “Y” chromosome is there for.

Step up, shed the stress, enjoy your life, and in the process help your wife or girlfriend to enjoy hers. Then see the rewards she’ll heap on you for doing so. They are many and wonderful, so much so that you may not recognize her when it starts!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

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