Saturday, November 06, 2010

The Tough, Playful Alpha Male: Just How Far Can You Go to Keep the Spice in Your Relationship or Marriage?

Our friend in recent editions, Kevin, writes of a stunning success you can all learn from in handling his wife’s fits and turning it around into fun.

You might remember us discussing women pitching a fit for no apparent reason in these recent issues:

http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/408-Signs-That-She’s-About-to-Erupt-and-a-Miracle-Cure-for-Tension-and-Drama-in-Relationships-and-Marriage

…and…

http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/410-Why-Does-She-Erupt-How-to-Stop-Drama-from-Killing-Your-Relationship-and-Marriage

Those two will bring you up to speed for what’s about to follow…

One of your fellow readers, Kevin, and I were discussing women who scream and pitch a fit but the instant a man gets upset and raises his voice one iota in response to their yelling, she comes off with something like, “I’m not talking to you while you’re yelling at me,” and Kevin replied:

(she comes off with "I'm not talking to you while you're yelling at me." )...LOL!! Oh man did that hit home!!! They flip it back to us all the time!! With mine it’s, "how ugly I talk to her and that she is certain I don't talk that way to the people I work with" ...David, I am like a deer in headlights every time!!!

I need to come up with something fun to flip back at her when I get that!!

Thanks!
Kevin

I replied with this:

"I don't spank the asses of the people I work with either, and I'm about to commence spanking yours. Are you wearing your big girl panties or are you going to wuss out and want a head start when I chase you?"

David

Now, keep in mind that remark was just an example, intended to define an attitude of a swaggering, fun-loving naughty boy. Kevin ran with it, and get a load of what happened:

David ...I just had to drop you a line and tell you that this suggestion to me has been golden man...I have been using variations depending on what she might say since you gave it to me....it immediately turns everything playful from the onset!!...I can see it in her face and what she replies every time I say something about pulling her panties off of her and spanking her, etc.!!! She wants her panties pulled down!!!!

Kevin

I’m telling you in earnest, Gentlemen, if you’re sitting on the fence waiting for somebody else to do it first, you’re missing the boat, because everybody who’s doing it is getting the same results!

So how far can you go? As far as you can go with her looking like she’s having fun, of course! Some women even find a little playful wrestling, spanking, hair pulling, etc., quite hot, so you should experiment, and ramp it up slowly and watch for signs of discomfort or displeasure. Everybody has limits, and if you’re going to play rough, you want to find them by brushing up against them and being able to back off, not by plowing right through them and creating a traumatic event.

You have to be careful about not overdoing the frequency as well. You can’t turn into a full-time prankster or clown, else nobody, including her, will respect you or take you seriously. It’s not an act or a false identity that you put on. It’s something that comes out naturally when you know that she’s just as naughty, playful, and fun as you but waiting for you to lead her into it.

So the big question is in striking the balance. The answer there is in being able to read her and yourself accurately. It’s not too difficult to read yourself; basically, if you feel you’re pushing it, you are, and if you feel you’re holding back, you are. Go for the gusto however often you enjoy it and she’ll enjoy it with you, as long as you don’t turn into a prankish jackass who can never get serious and take care of business.

Reading her is another matter. She wants and needs to have fun, but she also needs to see that you can get serious and handle things that need to be handled, including her! That takes knowing a lot more about women than any of us ever had the opportunity to learn in high school, but…

It’s still not that much. The problem is finding the information. Everybody and their brother claims to know what women want, including a lot of women, but often you (and they!) find that what they think they want is entirely different from what they actually respond well to. Indeed, take a look at any of the three articles I’ve given recently whose titles begin with the words “Be Careful What You Wish For” and you’ll see. You’ll see something else, too…

You’ll see that I’ve rounded up a bunch of women, had them teach me how to speak “girly-ese” so we could communicate effectively, and then had them tell me what they wanted and needed. That was all translated into “man-speak” and released to their husbands and boyfriends as the first working draft of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." And we proved that not only are there some common misconceptions among women about things like nice guys, we found the things that they really respond to by having their men try other things when what they said they wanted didn’t work.

Some project, huh? Well, it saved my marriage, and theirs, too! We all came out of it, men and women alike, with a new understanding of what makes us all tick, how we respond to things, how we really prioritize things, and most important of all, solid proof that we’re different and that those differences can be used to complement each other’s existence instead of being points of contention or competition! We found one other thing, too…

Some couples are so incompatible that they never should have come together, and no matter what they do, their only shot at a happy life is to go their separate ways. We also found that when they agree that the problem is one of gross incompatibility and not some failure to be “good enough for,” or even worse, “good enough to CHANGE FOR,” they could behave like adults and end their relationship with dignity, as friends, instead of combatants trying to punish each other into oblivion for their rejection.

It was quite a trip, and still is. There are a lot of things, like a happy marriage, a successful career, self-improvement, etc., that people mistakenly treat as a destination, when in fact they are a journey, an on-going process of exploration and growth. It would not surprise me to find out that I know more than any man alive about getting along with women in any kind of committed relationship, and yet I still find myself learning about them. And quite frankly, I hope that on the last day of my existence I’m still saying the same thing, because they are certainly worth learning about. After all, they outnumber us in the world population!

It’s true! And unlike us, they’re organized and methodical when it comes to learning about the opposite sex and managing relationships. We’re way behind the curve, so to speak, and not born with the natural resources to make it easy to pick up on, either, but…

We’re men! We take on problems and fix them! So while the women are sitting around milking the emotion from their problems in their relationships with us, we can be playing catch up! LOL!

Seriously, we have a lot of catching up to do, and I’m here to make that easier for you. I’ve set up a forum at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/ I have an e-book that has given men such a jump-start that they’ve literally pulled marriages out of divorce court in as little as a week, and you can download it at http://www.makingherhappy.com/. I’ll say nothing else, except that every minute you waste wondering what you should be doing is a minute you could be spending fixing your problems and going back to your honeymoon, so your best bet is to take action, now, while the means are available. You don’t want to find yourself a day late and a dollar short when your marriage – and life as you know it -- is on the line.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, November 05, 2010

A Female Perspective on Political Correctness, Wussification, and Their Destructive Impact on Relationships and Marriage

A female reader speaks out on behalf of many others against “political correctness and the castration of the American Male” (according to other readers this is going on EVERYWHERE!). There is a solution, and it’s a great idea, no matter where you live.

I got an e-mail last night from a reader who sounds like she’s about as fed up and downright pissed off as a woman can get. She’s got a beef with the world’s over-reaction to feminism and political correctness in general, and is issuing a wake-up call. Meet Gail:

Hi David,

I’m angry right now, very angry, and it might have been better if I had waited to share this until I was a little more composed, but I’ve been angry for months, and I’ve shared this repeatedly with my girlfriends and realize that doing so is not accomplishing anything because I’m SO “preaching to the choir” that it’s ridiculous. I’ve got to share it with someone who can help me do something about it, and I’m starting with you.

My husband of 28 years is a wuss. He wasn’t a wuss when I married him, or for years after I married him. He’s a production manager at a large manufacturing company, and got to that position because he was an excellent leader, strong and decisive, but always fair, and tried to be a good motivator. If he doesn’t straighten up soon, he’s going to lose his job, and he may even end up losing me, if I don’t kill him first!

You see, he went to this seminar that was supposed to help him be a better manager, and from what he told me, it amounted to a pep rally for touchy-feely people and about the only thing he came away from the seminar with was the idea that he needed to pay his employees personal compliments to make them feel like he was interested in them as people, not just employees. I think this is ridiculous, because you show people you are interested in them by asking them questions, not saying flattering things, but that’s beside the point.

There was a woman who worked under him – I call her a woman, but she was a gold-digging hussy just watching for a chance to sue somebody – and when my husband complimented her on a nice hairstyle one day, she went to the HR department and filed a sexual harassment complaint! He spent the next six months being raked over the coals by corporate attorneys, HR consultants, attending “sensitivity training seminars,” etc., to finally get the little bitch satisfied and still be able to keep his job. He’s now been so mentally and emotionally battered that he’s afraid to talk to women, including me!

He used to be so very strong and confident. He walked into a room like he owned it because he did. Now he walks into a room looking as if he expects to be attacked if there’s a woman there. We’ve talked about it, and he says the problem is that the legal threats and the threat of losing his job after 31 years with the same company made him realize what would happen if he were to suddenly lose his job this late in life, and how little it might take, and it “spooked him” as he says.

I’ve just bought your book for him, and if it has everything in it you say it does, I’m pretty sure he’ll be okay. He or I may have questions; will it be okay if we contact you? If so, how?

Thank you in advance for your help,

Gail F.

My reply:

Well, Gail, to say I’m feeling your pain would be an understatement. What you describe comprises one of my main motivations in writing “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” I’m not an antagonist or provocateur, but I am as disgusted with all this politically correct nonsense and the wussification of both men specifically and people everywhere in general that I could about puke. There was a time when I would have offered an apology if the word “puke” offended anybody’s fragile sensibilities, but today, I just really don’t care. I say it to get the message across, not to try to offend people.

Getting back to the subject at hand, congratulations! I see all kinds of corrective action being taken here. Discussion with your husband and nailing down the problem is a huge and wonderful step in the right direction, one that, unfortunately, many couples couldn’t pull off. Identifying a path back to your husband’s old alpha male (and therefore highly desirable and effective leader) self and taking the first steps down that path are also commendable.

To answer your questions, I read all e-mail, answer as much of it as I can and still remain productive, and any questions and answers that can benefit all readers, as you know, appear here in this newsletter with the senders’ consent. If your husband needs a session with a personal coach to speed up the process he can e-mail me at support@makingherhappy.com, but it shouldn’t be necessary. You’ve made an excellent start with my book, and I’m going to suggest to you that in your case, you skip the beginning material on evaluating your relationship for now and have him start with the communication section. He is one of the few whom I would say should complete the evaluation after he has cured this crisis of confidence; your relationship is obviously on a solid foundation if you are taking this route to try to help him.

In your case, the communication section will help him regain his confidence in speaking to women because he will be better prepared to pick up hints and signals, which will in turn help remove that “vulnerable and lost” feeling, one of the main reasons I put it before the attraction section. Then have him continue through the attraction section, and work with him as he goes through it. If you want to be really supportive, read a bit ahead of him and try to round up copies of books, movies, etc., that are mentioned as good examples so they will be convenient for him. It will speed his progress, which you’ll both appreciate, and the two of you will thoroughly enjoy watching movies like “The Fountainhead” and “Don Juan DeMarco” together.

Speaking of examples, there is one that is not yet in the book that I need to add, and while it is about U.S. Americans (I personally hold all people in this hemisphere as Americans, since we live in “North,” “Central,” and “South America”), it is an interesting read and full of good examples for all men to follow, regardless of where you live. The book is called “The Greatest Generation,” by Tom Brokaw. I never cared for Brokaw’s politics or the political slant in a lot of his reporting because there’s a big difference in reporting the news and trying to influence the public’s perception of it, but the details in this book about the men very often describe heroic alpha males, and regardless of your feelings for Brokaw or U.S. heroes of World War II, the role models found there are effective, and it makes for interesting and productive supplementary reading.

One other thing that I need to bring out and that you need to point out to your husband is that “sexual harassment” is only a workplace issue as far as legalities go. It is a workplace issue because you are compelled to co-exist there for the sake of your employment. That doesn’t give you license to be chauvinistic, rude and obnoxious everywhere else, but that does mean it is the only place where you may have to actively avoid any kind of sexuality, so if you are concerned, contain your concern to the workplace and be yourself – your respectful but assertive and naughty, and therefore FUN self – everywhere else. He just needs to see examples of it being okay to be the way he used to be so he can get back in touch with it, just like most men.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David


There you have it, folks. And it doesn’t have to this way. It’s not difficult to talk to women, nor is it difficult to learn how to read them. In fact, it’s so easy that there are some women on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, teaching men how to do it – on the Internet, using only written text!

If you (Gentlemen) or the man in your life (Ladies – it’s just wrong that I even have to say that, but I know I’ll get a ton of smart-ass comments from you jokers if I don’t! LOL!) are feeling castrated, there is a fix, guaranteed effective, in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” Download your copy today at http://www.makingherhappy.com and get back to being the man you were born to be.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Feeling Guilty or Apologizing for a Being a Man Will Kill Your Relationship or Marriage

An advertising copywriter’s take on the idea of feeling guilty or apologizing for being a man, and that idea’s impact on both men and women, is both revealing and instructive. Take heed…

Many of you might remember the “King Arthur” contest we did. One of the winners of the contest is a budding advertising copywriter, someone who writes the copy for direct sales letters like those you get in the mail and the main page on my web site, and we’ve been working together on an overhaul of my web site as something that will help us both in a lot of ways, including improved advertising copy for me and a deeper understanding of both copywriting and women and relationships for him, a true win-win situation.

We were looking at the concept of men, influenced by the politically correct crowd, feeling guilty and apologizing for being men and having our natural, biological tendencies (which incidentally are the very things that trigger curiosity, intrigue, and ultimately attraction in the female subconscious). I told him to look at the use of “feeling guilty for” versus “apologizing for” as a sort of exercise, and what he came back with in his analysis is even more relevant to proper male attitude than it is to the ad copy, and demands sharing with all of you. Meet my good friend and fellow copywriter, Dave:

Okay. Playing this out, I get the following feelings: I think of being guilty as a place I'm in when I've made a mistake. I did something wrong. Whether by accident or intention, I still made the mistake; hence I need to apologize for it. Guilt is about something that's wrong, apologizing is for admitting it and moving on. However, this brought up another, much bigger issue:

Being a man is who we are. Feeling guilty about being a man is an attack on our very nature and according to popular culture, the only way to overcome that is by changing yourself into some kind of metrosexual and being another girlfriend to your wife. It stinks of propaganda on a large scale – "Social Engineering" to diminish the power instincts in men? Why should being what nature or "evolution," whether you agree with it or not, determined to be our absolute best survival skills as a species, be apologized for?

That should be a line or turned into a paragraph in the copy as a supportive and illustrative example of how we are being "engineered" towards something we naturally aren't and it's time we woke up. Even if it doesn’t sell anything, it’s still a congruent, factual and provable message that every man on Earth needs to hear. They should be asking themselves whether the "delicious personal fusion" is being drained from our way of life by a bunch of politically correct, societal pool cleaners, and finding that idea totally unacceptable.

For us to feel guilty about being men, at some point we bought the line that what we feel natural and comfortable doing is not what women want. Being confident, secure about who we are, taking a leadership role because it is instinctual had to be abandoned, even though it went against every fiber of our being, which somebody should have taken as a huge red flag that this was a bad idea, since our species’ population was expanding, not contracting, at the time. Simply, we bought the idea that being a man and acting like a man is somehow wrong, a mistake needing correcting, and if we get too strong, we should be ready to apologize for your error. What utter crap!

I think your newsletter today even hints at this fallacy in a very subtle way because women who have "take me now you hunk" fantasies love and respond to the power and submission aspects because it frees them to really dig into their most basic nature as well, instead of having to play the prim and proper little vessel of purity that they’ve been programmed to be (which is more utter crap).

It’s sort of like throwing off the shackles of conditioning to be free, even if it’s once in awhile, because there are so many ways to explore having fun together otherwise, but usually in fairly defined roles that don't always require letting it all go. Like a vacation from who we "have" to be, to who we have a fantasy about being, which in truth, is who we REALLY are to start with after you flush away all the programming. One of the fantasies my ex had was us running down the beach totally unclothed with no one around and gettin' with it whenever we felt like it. Being free...as men and women were eons ago, after we realized we were men and women and before some demagogue told us that there was something wrong with it.

We grow up as boys with an instinct to tease and play with girls as long we can be the leaders and choosers on how the game is played. It's amazing how easily I got girls to do things for me other boys couldn't because I simply defined the terms of the game and they responded big time. Now that's food for thought! LOL! Even when we did things they knew they shouldn't, because it was a "part of the game," they responded and were happy to do so. Interesting...

Interesting, yes, but not magical, not by a long shot. What Dave saw as a kid was the power of defining and exercising authority, something the politically correct would tell us is a barbaric, chauvinistic, and demeaning insult to women. Really? Excuse me. How about clarifying this for me: Is it barbaric because it makes them involuntarily smile and move closer to us or because it makes them lubricate and think about being taken by us in a public place? It is chauvinistic because they expect us stand up and to do it? Is it demeaning because it excites them and pleasure or because it helps them to feel like a part of something and eliminate the boredom that otherwise torments them? I’m just not clear on that…

I just copied that paragraph to a friend, one of the women on the support staff, through an instant messaging program and she came back with this:

SoccerMom1966a: LOL! If that’s demeaning, all I can say is “Demean me baby! Demean me now!!!” My hubby’s getting pretty good at that!

See what I mean?

You see Guys, this isn’t rocket science. In only a couple of months, and in the midst of working full-time and helping me with this web site overhaul and his own continuing education in copywriting, he became a guru in his own right, and has proven it by making contact with his ex-wife and both gaining and giving her closure on the issues that they had outstanding at the time of their divorce, and they are now good friends instead of the bitter, hardened enemies with open wounds they recently were. It’s life-changing, world-changing stuff precisely because every man can grasp it and do it if he simply has the desire to improve his life and is able to read on about a fourth grade level.

So what’s holding you up? You’ve been listening to me say this and prove it for days, weeks, even months; I’ve been doing it before many witnesses, many of whom have given me unsolicited testimonials, for years. Indeed, there are a few of you who have been on my mailing list for over a year but still are not on my customer list. Are you waiting for me to reprint the entire book in these newsletters and blog posts? Not gonna happen. Are you waiting for somebody to just pop up on your doorstep and say, “Here, let me do that for you?” Not gonna happen. Are you waiting for somebody else to tell you that all your mistakes are validated and your problems are someone else’s fault? It may happen, but it won’t happen here, and it wouldn’t fix anything if it did. Besides, and because, you can do this.

I’ll make you a bet. Well, no, I can’t do that. Gambling is still illegal in a lot of places where this newsletter is going. So I’ll issue you a challenge. Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and read it. Then just do what it says for a few days and watch what happens. And something WILL happen, by the way. Just ask some of the guys who have stopped divorces cold in less than a week of downloading this book.

Then take your pick, a refund or continuing down the path you’ve begun walking. I have yet to see a man turn from that path once he started down it, and you’ll stay on it too, because it just feels too damned good to be a man and have your life coming together to give it up. To wit, check out this excerpt from our forum today:

Once again, thanks for your insight, David! And to anyone out there that may be reading this, I've learned some BIG things in a very SHORT amount of time, just be being here, asking questions, and being patient.

I can say that prior to any of this, I was the complete opposite - I wanted to get things done, fix the problems, figure out what was the matter or "wrong with my wife." It was stressful, and consumed a lot of my time and energy. I viewed things for the way I thought they should be, not the way they were.

It took a big investment in myself, and in knowing that it was more so: what I was doing wrong - what I needed to do for myself - before I could do anything for anyone else. A simple notion to type, a difficult one to actually put into practice and make a habit, but an effective one if you do it.

You can view that whole thread at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/431-World-War-III if you’d like to see the whole story of a man turned around and pointed down the right road.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

The Right Attitude To Be a Happy Man In a Great Relationship or Marriage

My favorite motivational poem, which projects the true spirit of the unconquerable alpha male, who does takes both action and full responsibility for his actions, and how the confident attitude it projects will make you absolutely ooze attraction. AND! An announcement about the makingherhappy.com forum: It’s no longer in beta, but for the foreseeable future, it’s going to remain free.

Our forum has been open at http://forum.makingherhappy.com since March of this year, and we seem to have all the kinks out of it and have a LOT of great information on it, but we still don’t have the size of a user community I wanted to have before activating the subscription feature. So all access to all areas is still free to all registered members (registration is free and for your protection, and your privacy is both respected and guarded, as you will see when you reach the site) until I’m satisfied that it’s big enough, which will probably be after we cross the thousand-member threshold. After that, you’ll find the subscription prices lower than you could imagine for what you’ll be receiving, for reasons also explained when you get there.

There’s something there for everyone, including women and singles. That’s right, singles. Women and have been writing to me asking to meet men who have been through my program, and divorced men have been asking for help in easing back into the dating world, and it’s there, waiting for you, along with live chat in both a chat room and person-to-person chat, personal blogging, Facebook-style profile pages, photo albums to share, and a lot more. I’ve posted a lot of articles related to dating and single life, including how to screen dates for the purpose of a happy long-term relationship or marriage, so if you haven’t joined yet, now is the time.

I also have another special treat for you, my favorite motivational poem of all time. Many of you may have read it, but I’ve met few who ever gave it serious study and consideration. And that’s a shame, when you see what it holds for you that could help a man, relationship and marriage.

Most people remember and even quote that last line or two, but few remember their origin and have never really studied the poem, trying to live the part of the main character, and exploring and adopting the attitude expressed. Read it carefully, once for understanding of what the character is saying, and then a second time to try to feel what they are feeling, and we'll discuss it and how it relates to your relationship and building attraction afterward.

Invictus
By W.E. Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods there be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced or cried aloud;
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this vale of doubt and fear
Looms but the terror of the Shade
And, yet, the passing of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the Master of my Fate,
I am the Captain of my Soul.

So let’s dig into this, deeply, and see what Henley knew about being a man and how that might help you get your life and relationship or marriage back on track. To make sure you get the context, “Invictus” is "soliloquy," defined in "The American Heritage Dictionary" as “A dramatic or literary form of discourse in which a character reveals his or her thoughts when alone or unaware of the presence of other characters." He’s not trying to impress anyone; he’s alone and thinking or speaking only to himself.

Speaking of gender, we don't know whether the character is a man or woman, but everyone assumes it is a man when they read it, because the feeling generated is that typical of an alpha male - independent, strong, railing against the storm so to speak. He is in complete darkness, according to the first paragraph, possibly in a prison or dungeon cell, or in an apartment or bedroom, utterly alone and celebrating his own sense of self and character. In the second stanza, he says that no matter what has happened to him, he's taken it and moved on.

He's been beaten up, but not beaten down, and certainly not beaten into submission. In the third stanza, rather reminiscent of Psalm 23 of the Christian Bible ("vale of doubt and fear" is identical allegory to "valley of the shadow of death," "the terror of the Shade" being the angel of death or god of the underworld, as in the first stanza we see that Henley's character is religious, but not Christian, as his “gods” are unidentified and existence questioned – “whatever gods there be”), he says that life is uncertain, and the afterlife possibly more so, yet he has no concern for that.

He goes on in the fourth saying that it matters not how he is judged ("how straight the gate" is an allusion to several different versions of Heaven and Hell, and “the scroll” is the judgment of his life) because he lived his life making his own choices, and is perfectly prepared to accept the consequences of those choices. His world and his choices are simply, utterly, and relentlessly, his own.

Why? Is it ego? Conceit? Hardly. Ego and conceit are not signs of confidence, but of a lack thereof, the leper's bell of someone lacking self-esteem and trying to fake it. This character has simply chosen to command his own life, to do with it the best he can, to accept all challenges to his life and well-being, and if he is to lose a battle, he will regroup, re-engage, and ultimately win the war.

What image does this paint for you? A sniveling, craven little wuss huddled in a corner of a dark room? I should say, "not just no, but hell no!" A man standing straight, tall, shoulders back, feet at shoulder width, head held high, ready for action; he may not own the world, but he certainly commands what part of it is around him. So blatantly heroic an image that it's not hard for a cape whipping in the breeze to enter the picture if you're not careful.

Why do I bother going through all of this about a poem? Wake up, gentlemen! This is the guy every woman wants her partner to be! At the very least, it is the image of him that she wants to hold, strong, confident, moving through the world with a purpose that is his own, in command (not CONTROL, mind you!) and in demand. Do you want to know one of the best-kept secrets in all of existence? Every one of us is born this way!

Really! Look at small children. They try to do things assuming that they will succeed. They don’t jump off the back of the couch and land face-first on the floor because they’re stupid; it’s because they’ve not yet learned that there are things that are impossible. Unfortunately, as they grow older, they learn a lot more than the simple physics of gravity, inertia, and motion that would keep them from jumping off the couch and busting their face again.

It is failure that they (we!) learn, and which plagues us all for the rest of our lives if we let it. The operational phrase there is "if we let it." It's a choice. Failure of any kind is a choice, a choice to be defeated instead of a choice to learn all we can, give something our best effort, and if it doesn't work out, to acknowledge that it required more resources - whether time, money, energy, relationships, or whatever - than we were able to muster, and to make course corrections so that we continue the journey toward something desirable. No matter what the outcome of any endeavor, it is only a failure if we choose to declare it so, and choose to be a loser or victim instead of a contender and survivor. And as long as a man truly gives something his best effort, he cannot fail; the only failure is to fail to rationally address an issue and meet it with whatever he can reasonably muster.

Do you realize that humans are the only species on Earth with the power of volitional choice - the power to think and choose everything, instead of simply growing to the point of being able to survive and then having all development stop? Intellect allows us to reach a point of being able to survive, then surpass that point and flourish, improving our standard of living, and possibly that of others around us and in generations to come. We are the top of the food chain for that reason and none other. Contrary to popular belief, being human isn't something for which one should apologize (..."I can't help it. I'm only human..."), it's something to which one should aspire! (Be a REAL man! Or be a REAL Woman! I think, therefore I succeed!)

Those whom women find the most attractive are those who have aspired to be and finally became supremely human men, the alpha male - the strong, confident male, able to make logical decisions, formulate successful plans, and carry them out with all the confidence in the world that he can do just that, who looks not at his feet, but at the horizon, and onward to the next world he is to master. Be that man; it's your choice, and her dream. Make both of you happy. If you have to, print this poem and put it where you can read it while you shave every morning. (Yes, EVERY morning! Real men have more self-respect than to run around with two-day old stubble on their face and “bed hair” trying to look like a thug or a flake, no matter what might be “in style”!) Memorize it, and recite it several times throughout the day. Get it done.

It’s time to take charge, and make the world your own. She'll notice. It’s not an act. It’s a matter of first learning how things work and what the best behavior is, then toning down your bad behavior while enhancing the good behavior, and then adding to the good behavior with other traits that you can enjoy having and she will enjoy seeing. There’s a full explanation of all of this and an effective training seminar to help you put it all to work in a natural, stress-free manner, in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” so download it now at http://www.makingherhappy.com. Go ahead, do it now, and start living the “unconquered” life, because life is too short to live it otherwise.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Proof That Your Inner Child Can Make or Break Your Relationship or Marriage

I mentioned the “Inner Child” a few days ago and have been inundated with both success stories and questions and requests for more detail, so here goes!

Wow! I’ve been swamped with the usual requests for help with delicate and desperate situations, which is nothing unusual, but it seems that everybody is wanting to know about this “inner child” thing I mentioned a few days ago.

If you missed the recent issue on how your inner child can trigger either attraction or maternal drive, depending on how you let it show through, back up and read that one now so that the rest of this article will make sense and you can get the most out of it. And you’ll want to also make sure you caught the following issue on ignoring women, because today’s most “interesting” response is from Kevin, the gentleman whose question spawned that issue. He’s sent us a status report that I’m going to have to lower the heat on a bit just to make sure it gets through all the spam filters.


Please note that our archive is now part of our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, and while you will have to join the forum to read these back-issues, there is no charge for doing so and you'll have access to all other content on the site. The search engine is much better than the one on the old Blogger archive, and you can get help with your own issues there as well.

Okay, now that everybody is up to speed, here’s Kevin’s response after applying the advice he was given in those two issues mentioned above:

David, so glad to have been able to offer that contribution as I know it will help other guys!! Your advice was golden!!! Last night the hand holding, etc. continued and I took the lead and pulled her to my shoulder this time!! It just was totally what she was wanting!!! The caressing began and before you know it, my wife was giving me the most fantastic [substitute your favorite totally raw term for “oral pleasure” here]!!!! Totally GOLDEN!!!!

Thanks man!!!
Kevin


Ummm…yeah. Any questions? All that bouncing back and forth between leadership and the inner child creates tension that must be released, and the release usually starts with her removing somebody’s clothing. ‘Nuff said.

Well, no, not quite. You may remember that his wife was telling him that he could put his head on her shoulder, and he ignored it. Would anybody care to bet on whether she was telling him to put his head on her shoulder to induce him to snuggle her up to where she could put her head on his? Possible test, possible “’Are you hungry?’ meaning ‘I’m hungry’” sort of scenario, very possibly an indirect attempt to communicate the desire she obviously had. So next time I start talking about indirect communications, pay attention. It happens to all of us, every single time we interface with a woman in any context and for any purpose.

So what is this inner child stuff? Let me paint you a picture. Indeed, North American residents will have seen this. There is a company here, Midas Muffler, that has been around as long as I can remember and does all manner of automotive service, including brakes.

They have this television advertisement in which they try to express how critical it is to have your brakes in good working order by staging a scene where a little boy rushes a group of three little girls with his pet lizard, causing them to squeal and laugh and run, and he chases them across an intersection. Half-way across, he drops his lizard, then runs back to get him. Meanwhile, a mother is coming up to the intersection and stomps on her brake pedal and stops short of hitting the boy, who is oblivious to her presence until he stands up and sees her.

What you’ll notice most if you watch these children is that first, they’re all laughing and having fun, and the little girls are enjoying the little boy’s attack. They’re not running and shrieking, they’re running and squealing with delight. Then, after Midas makes their pitch for having you come in and let them do a brake job on your car, there’s a scene with the four kids standing and grinning with their arms around each other – all four of them. And the little boy has a look on his face that most men would give their eye teeth to have on theirs, the look of the man who is the leader of the pack and all the woman are smiling at.

It’s that fearless sense of mischievous play, the one we all felt before we got old enough to let someone convince us that we needed to impress each other and fear losing each other, the one that makes you do wondrous, heroic, and fun things, and makes you enjoy telling and hearing a good story or a naughty joke, that makes it fun to steal a kiss when nobody is looking, that I’m talking about, and that women utterly adore and crave to see in a man.

Especially when he’s a manly man who doesn’t just dream things, but makes them happen. A man who will chase her with the lizard, but when he catches her, instead of saying, “EEWWWWW! Girl germs!” and running away himself, will hold her there, captive, looking her dead in the eye and teasing her with the promise of a kiss. A man who, when she’s crying, will ask what’s wrong, listen to her problem, and instead of trying to force a solution on her if she doesn’t ask for one, divert her from crying by teasing her and leading her into something fun instead of playing into her distraught state and getting upset himself, assuring her through his own bravery in the face of a problem that she can be brave too.

It’s not hard, Guys. Indeed, it’s pretty easy. The rules are really fairly few and simple, and the only reason you’ve been screwing up for so many years is because when you wanted to know what the rules were, every guy fed you a line of crap because he didn’t know and every girl or woman either didn’t know what she really responded to or knew but couldn’t tell you in a way you could understand. And until recently, you probably really didn’t think you needed to know any more than you do – also not surprising, is it?

But here you are, looking for information, and help. And there’s a whole bunch of people around who will tell you that you found it, too. It’s not just Kevin who’s kicking things up a notch, and by the way, all those exclamation points were his; I didn’t add a single one.

So do you want to get in on what he and the others are using to get their wives out of divorce court and into a second honeymoon that doesn’t involve travel to some exotic place and blowing a bundle of money on bad food and bad service? Sure you do!

So here’s how: Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and just read it and use what you learn, like the three simple rules that will break the inter-gender communications barrier (and stop all that damned eye-rolling and accusations of “You NEVER listen to me!”) and the few simple things that you need to do to make her see you as the man she married or better and shift back into honeymoon mode, even if you’ve been together twenty years or longer. It can happen to you just as easily as everybody else, and life’s too short to not go for it and MAKE IT HAPPEN, so get moving!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, November 01, 2010

Temptation Is All Around, So Don't Push Your Luck If You Want to Keep Your Relationship or Marriage

Men often forget that there are just as many temptations lying in wait for women as there are for us. If you let them get bored, they’re vulnerable, so don’t push your luck – or your limits…

I hope you’re having a great week. I’m having a busy one already, between counseling/coaching appointments and putting the final touches on some new content for the MakingHerHappy forum site,
http://forum.makingherhappy.com, but it’s rewarding to do a good job in helping people through their problems and to close in on goal achievement, so I’m pumped, not complaining.

You may remember
this recent edition in which a woman who left me a note while changing her subscription address saying that she had told her husband she was having a problem with marital boredom and had passed on newsletters for him to read saying that they directly addressed their problem, and he ignored them. It was quite a story, and you should read it if you missed it.

You may also remember this article in which a group of women were so bored they were holding an on-going contest to see who could manipulate their husband into buying the biggest gifts (and I’ve been told that there has been a recent development in that story, where somebody got busted, and I’ll be getting you details of that soon, when the story has unfolded and the lessons are obvious!). If you missed that one, you should catch it, too, because it’s a one-of-a-kind learning opportunity.

I mention these because the woman who left the note about her husband ignoring her prompting has written about
the follow-up article to the contest, another article you should go back and read if you missed it, because it details a bunch of married women getting bored and hustling drinks and collecting phone numbers in a bar in a different contest that ended up putting one of them in the hospital due to a rape and beating, and her marriage and life are now irreparably damaged. Once again, meet “P.”:

Good Grief......here we go again.......

2 weekends ago I spent a weekend away in a big city with an old neighbor of mine (yes...female). We spent 2 nights there. One of the nights we went to a bar and had a blast. Guys buying us drinks, showing interest, and paying attention. I was really enjoying the attention part of it, particularly since the 2 men who asked me to leave with them were 24 and 32 -- more than 10 years younger than me. That's an ego boost. They knew I was married, I had on my ring and was not out to get laid. But I did have fun and enjoyed the company.

I can see how lonely women can get wrapped up in this kind of thing...it was fun! It made me feel good about myself, knowing SOMEONE was interested. Our husbands need to be that someone though. One thought that went through my mind that night was "maybe I should give this guy my cell phone so he can talk to my husband and tell HIM what he wanted to do to me....."

I do think this is dangerous, and could be playing with fire, just like that lady's friend.

P.


She makes an excellent point, in that men often mistake a woman’s expression of having fun as a “green light” that isn’t there, and things get out of hand and she gets hurt. And while I’m thinking about it, guys, if you meet some woman and talk for a while and don’t get a number, or go out for a date or two and she doesn’t want to go out again, be a man and realize it’s just a bad fit and she had the spine and brains to tell you so. Sending her those abusive texts and e-mails and leaving the creepy, punitive messages on her voice mail calling her a tramp and a low-life isn’t going to make you feel better and is only going to prove to her that you really were as pathetic as she thought.

Move on and be glad you were saved the time, and if it happens to you a lot, learn a little something about women so you won’t get shot down all the time over being a jerk who doesn’t get it. And if you buy her expensive meals and gifts trying to impress her, you have no right to be ticked off when she isn’t impressed, because that’s no how functional relationships are started, built, or maintained, and the fault is yours for not doing your homework, especially if you let a predator take you for a ride for a few weeks.

It’s also not uncommon for a woman to go out for a drink with friends and get swept off her feet by some stranger, and in the throes of attraction does things that both she and you will have a hard time living with once she wakes up and realizes what she’s done (or even the thoughts she has while she is resisting the temptation), and there is no amount of blaming and finger-pointing that can fix such a problem.

She also points out that she (and in truth, every woman) wants her husband to be the one she has fun with and who makes her feel pretty, sexy, appreciated, and special. Think about this, guys…

We marry for life, they marry for life. We are afraid of sexually-transmitted diseases, they are afraid of sexually-transmitted diseases. We are afraid of meeting a psycho on a date, they are afraid of meeting a psycho on a date, not to mention being beaten and raped. The majority of us are uncomfortable meeting and trying to date strangers, and so are they, most of them even more than us. When it comes to fidelity, we may not be identical, but we’re a lot more alike than we are different. And something else you need to realize…

Attraction is a biological drive, not a logical one. It’s difficult to mentally override it, and there is a point where it becomes impossible, where a cascade of neurotransmitters in the brain, your brain and her brain, cause inhibition to fail and logic to be faulty, and hence, rational, responsible choice to be impossible and self-validation, no matter how self-destructive the behavior, to become standard operating procedure.

And again, all the finger-pointing and blaming in the world will not fix what happens if either of you get to this point. It is not a matter of morality, but of chemistry.

Whether you think it’s fair, moral, or anything else is irrelevant. The simple fact is that when you’re in a committed relationship, if you expect fidelity you have to do what is necessary to facilitate it, and more to the point, TO EARN IT. So does she. If you’re bored, it’s because she’s letting you down, and if she’s bored, it’s because you are letting her down – you got together in the first place because you had fun together, did you not? You can argue about that until you’re blue in the face, but it won’t change the simple fact that that’s how the world – and the human mind – works, so you’re only choice is to deal with it or try to survive the aftermath.

Would you care to wager on which choice is easier and has the greatest chance of success? I thought not…

And to those of you who are sitting there saying, “He talks too much about boredom, it’s just not that big a deal,” let me be quite blunt: boredom kills. Do you think for one second that people who do things that significantly endanger their life do so because they really enjoy it? Does the man who jumps out of a perfectly good airplane do so because he knows there’s no chance of parachute failure? Does the guy who drives a minivan or a station wagon as fast as it will go weaving through congested traffic do so because he really needs to get somewhere that fast? Does the social drinker who always ends up drunk and in trouble at parties do so because they like the taste of the booze and like waking up in strange places, or in jail?

No, they do it because they’re bored and looking for something, anything, that will give them even a moment’s relief. Just as the man or woman who gets too little attention at home takes a chance on wrecking their marriage and their life by carrying on an affair. Nobody gets away with it. Even those few who don’t get caught still have to deal with the guilt and the fear of getting caught – psychopaths and sociopaths notwithstanding, of course. (People with no moral compass have no fear of getting caught at anything because whatever they got caught at would be somebody else’s fault by default.) So before you’re too quick to say, “It can’t happen to me,” bear in mind that everybody else who has ever been on either end of an affair “knew” that it couldn’t happen to them, too, just like people used to know that the world was flat and the Earth was the center of the universe.

So what do you say? Are you ready to step up and make things better? Or are you going to keep your head in the sand and keep telling yourself that what I’m talking about is something OTHER men and women do, and something OTHER men and women have to deal with. Do you realize that you are implying with such nonsense that neither you nor your wife is human?

You are human, the top of the food chain on this entire planet, and that’s something to aspire to, not apologize for. You’re the top of the food chain because you have the power of volitional choice, the ability to think and make a decision that improves your life, making us the only species of life that continues to develop past the point required for bare survival. We don’t have to wait for evolution to raise our standard of living. We can do it ourselves, simply by making good choices and acting upon them!

And more to the point, you can do it yourself.

So start here. Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." Read it, put it to use, and make the success that those before you are enjoying now your own. Then you’ll know, beyond any doubt, that if your wife leaves the house, she’s going to be in a hurry to get back to you, and you’re going to enjoy having her there.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Ignoring the Woman in Your Marriage or Relationship -- We're Not In Dateland Anymore, Toto!

You may have heard it said by a dating guru that ignoring a woman is a good way to create attraction. This is another one of those places where the rules change when you enter a committed relationship – and most certainly when you get married – and you’d better know the rules if you expect to succeed.

I got a response from one of the more active of you, whom I’ll call Kevin to protect his identity, which brings up a HUGE point. His letter, referring to an excerpt from yesterday’s newsletter regarding the “inner child,” which you can read
in the archive on our forum, discussing whether the display of your inner child makes your wife want to mother you or “mount” you:

Hi David....Just read below:

"We've talked about the "baby talk" thing that couples do. BIG no-no. How about inferior positions during intimacy, like lying your head on her shoulder? This is what a child does when he doesn't feel good, is it not? Don't do it, EVER; being the protector is your role as far as the two of you are concerned, not hers"

How coincidental!! My wife and I were sitting together watching tv last night and here lately she has been initiating this hand holding for about the past 2 weeks whereby she had not been. That’s fine with me because I think she is realizing her intimacy has been non-existent. But for some reason, last night she says to me, ”You can lay your head right here and patting her shoulder".....Where did that come from!!! David, I did not lay my head there...I basically ignored the comment.

Kevin


Kevin was wise not to put his head on her shoulder, but ignoring her comment was a VERY bad move! My response:

Hey, Kevin!

The hand-holding is likely because you've stepped up the attractive behavior and have her seeking intimacy, which is great. BUT! NEVER ignore a woman. That's a recipe for disaster. When she invites you into an inferior position, it's not likely that she realizes that she's doing something dangerous, and is simply trying to nurture you. Instead, turn it around on her. Invite her to put her head on your shoulder, or to snuggle up under your arm and get closer, or even sit on your lap. That builds the intimacy and bonding without putting you in the position of a child, and doesn't telegraph that most negative of signals that ignoring her telegraphs: "I don't want your love and nurturing."

Take care,
David

Let’s be clear here, before somebody shoots himself in the foot. What the dating gurus say about getting a woman to approach you for a date and keeping her interested by ignoring her a little after you first meet, being a little slow to return phone calls, and making a show of independence is all correct, IN THE CONTEXT OF TRYING TO GET A DATE AND PLAYING HARD-TO-GET, especially the first few dates after the first one. But we’re not talking about dating here, are we?

We’re talking about a woman you’re at least committed to if not married to, and we’re beyond the stage of trying to create curiosity, intrigue, initial attraction, etc. Love is now involved, her nurturing mechanism has been engaged, and you have to heighten and sustain attraction without damaging that other most crucial part of a happy relationship, love. That’s why the rules change; that love, and the trust, loyalty, friendship, and respect it engenders must be protected.

In the interest of heightening attraction, it is true that you must provide some mystery and fun, as well as maintain a strong, independent attitude, and making yourself scarce from time to time and playing a little “hard-to-get” can do great things to spice things up a bit. But you never, EVER shut out a woman that loves you by ignoring her, especially when she is offering something nurturing. Hard to get is best accomplished by teasing, not ignoring her when she speaks.

There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to nurture you; indeed, everything about it is right, if you’ve earned it. But women have no more cause to think about such things as having your head on their shoulder as you do, until their attention has been called to it, at least. They certainly don’t want to kill their own attraction for you. But if you want to see a woman get hurt and angry, try telling her that you’re not going to put your head on her shoulder because it’s infantile just one time. One time will be enough to show you that you don’t ever want to do it again.

Instead, do as I told Kevin: take the lead, as a man is supposed to do. Recognize that she is trying to give you the greatest gift she has to give, her nurturing energy, and accept it, but in a more appropriate manner by taking action that triggers attraction instead of maternal drive. Give her the smile she’s always looking for, and a “c’mere, you!” as you pull her up close and snuggle her up as only a manly man can do with his wife.

Remember, as always, that these are biological triggers we are talking about here, not logical decisions. How she sees you triggers involuntary responses. The only logical part is your logical choice to make sure that the triggers that get tripped are the ones who make you the manly man who loves, excites, and protects her, not the ones that trigger the maternal urges to feed you and change your diaper.

I’ll be saying this until I die: It’s not rocket science. Even the biology part of it is simple. You don’t need to know the names of the neurotransmitters and other chemicals that make this happen or the order in which the cascade occurs, what part of the brain it happens in, or how any of this came to be that way. It’s interesting if you’re into that level of detail, but all you need to know to make it work is just the highest level of cause-and-effect relationships, the level at which you know with 100% certainty that if you display primal male behavior, she will respond with primal female behavior. You just need to know what that behavior is and allow yourself the experience. (And I say “allow” because it is automatic and natural, and in fact must be deliberately suppressed for it to not happen. Unfortunately, that deliberate suppression comes from a whole lot of bad programming that gets embedded in your head.)

The same thing goes for communicating with a woman. You don’t have to memorize millions of scripts to get you through untold myriad contingencies. Knowing (and following!) three simple rules that any fourth-grader could follow is all that it takes to do it right, both listening and speaking, so that you never again hear those most frustrating words, “You NEVER listen to me!” when the simple fact is that you listen, but don’t have a clue what she’s saying, and know that she’s just going to roll her eyes and say, “SEE! You should just know!” when you ask her what she means.

So do you know? Even if you “think” you do, why take that chance when somebody’s already proven how to understand, know, and do all of this? Are you a guy who likes to get things right the first time? Or are you the one who ignores the instructions and blames somebody else when the bicycle you bought with “some assembly required” comes out looking a time machine instead of a bicycle, and then blames the manufacturer instead of your own failure to follow instructions? If so, here’s a big hint: blaming somebody else for your failure gets you one thing: a guarantee of repeated failures.

I was about to close this post, but let’s talk about something I rarely mention anymore: spending money, and a big difference in how the average man and the average woman does it. The average woman is such a bargain hunter that she will drive across town to buy something that she doesn’t need because she can buy it at half-off the regular price, just in case she might need it later. Some men will do this too, especially with tools, but…

The average man, especially a man who gets things done, will pay extra if it will save him time and effort. John Alanis once gave a brilliant example of buying a $150 office chair and spending an extra $10 to get it preassembled, because that $10 would save him hours of dragging out tools, sorting through the little bags of easily lost hardware, bruising or cutting knuckles when wrenches or screwdrivers slipped, etc. The idea being that there are times when spending very little money can give you a huge benefit.

This is one of those times. It took me and a sizable group of people (of both genders) several man-years to figure out how all this works, and we did figure it out, and proved it by using it ourselves and checking the results and further refining the information. The amount of money we’re talking about wouldn’t buy you a good meal and cocktails for two in any restaurant I’ve ever been in, but it will buy you a lifetime of a relationship and marriage that most people would be thrilled to call a honeymoon.

So do you want to spend months or even years trying to put this together yourself, and ending up with a broken heart and a broken bank account instead of skinned knuckles, or do you want to throw what amounts to “chump change” at it (especially when you consider that the average divorce in the United States costs $27,000 according to recent surveys), get the right information, and go right to work and have your success quickly, and know how you got there so you can sustain it?

It’s up to you, but I can tell you from having been there that I would have much rather read this book and used it than been the one to write it. And I would have, too, if it or anything close to it had been available when I needed it, but it wasn’t. So if you want to take advantage of the easier path, the one I didn’t have, go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and get started. Life is short. Don’t waste it trying to reinvent the wheel, or just wishing you had the wheel.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham