Saturday, October 30, 2010

How Your Inner Child Can Help Make Your Relationship or Marriage Work, IF You Let It

A man’s inner child is an important part of him, even and especially in the alpha male, because it is that inner child that provides that naughty boy side that women find so irresistible and helps him to be a fun leader instead of a dictator. However, the inner child can kill attraction even faster than he creates it if you don’t know how and where to let him be seen and make him behave. Do you know how and where? I’m going to tell you…

I’ve had some random questions about naughty boy behavior, the inner child, etc., and the issue is one that should be discussed as a whole, so we’ll forego the customary reprints of the user letters and specific questions and dig into the subject, wherein the answer to all specific questions will be contained, along with a lot of other useful info.

When any adult loses touch with their inner child, it seems they entirely forget how to have fun, and become something the people around them will describe as “stodgy,” “too serious all the time,” “generally blah and depressed,” “dull,” etc., but if that inner child is constantly allowed to run amok, one is described as “Peter Pan,” “a middle-aged adolescent,” “someone who might grow up someday,” etc., and is generally thought to be undependable and irresponsible, possibly even a slacker. Obviously, a balance must be struck, because any kind of excessive behavior, even achievement, can be bad for your overall mental and emotional health.

With regard to attraction of the human female by the male, women love to catch glimpses of the man’s inner child, and definitely love it when that inner child is a mischievous little turd who cracks wise (without being disrespectful or hurtful), plays tricks and pranks on them occasionally (again, without being disrespectful or hurtful, seeking to share a laugh rather than have one at the woman’s expense), and is generally fun to be around. That cocky little boy who would pull her pigtails to get her to chase him is something she never outgrows; indeed, she expects him to grow up to be cockier and more sophisticated in his methods of teasing her and keeping her guessing.

However, there is a side to the inner child that a woman should never see, under any circumstances, lest her feelings of attraction are supplanted by maternal feelings and hence, instead of wanting to be intimate with you, she wants to lick a tissue and clean the mud off your face and tuck you into bed – ALONE!

Whoa! Never thought about that before? Just how much sexual energy do you think a woman is going to feel while her maternal triggers are being tripped instead of her attraction triggers? She’ll be mothering you, chasing you around the house cleaning up after you and bitching about your shortcomings, not chasing you around the house leaving a trail of clothing – yours and hers – behind. We’ve talked at length on several occasions about attraction triggers, and they are discussed completely and in great detail in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” but let’s discuss briefly these motherhood triggers and what happens when they are tripped.

First, what is the difference between a naughty boy and a wussy boy? Understanding this will help you tremendously to avoid allowing your “inner wuss” to even exist, let alone show through. The naughty boy understands that there are rules, and selectively stretches and disregards at least some of them, preferably those that are fun, harmless, and really shouldn’t be rules in the first place. Sound like fun?

He makes his own rules, at least to some noticeable extent, defining and exercising authority, not depending on someone else to do it. This makes him appear strong, cocky, even a little arrogant, not VULNERABLE. Anything child-like that has even a hint of vulnerability to it will pull the triggers on maternal behavior. What are you doing that could do this? Have you thought about it? Let’s look at it now, because it will open your eyes.

We’ve talked about the “baby talk” thing that couples do (see http://forum.makingherhappy.com/showthread.php/268-Is-Your-Intimate-Behavior-Killing-Your-Relationship-or-Marriage in the archive). BIG no-no. How about inferior positions during intimacy, like lying your head on her shoulder? This is what a child does when he doesn’t feel good, is it not? Don’t do it, EVER; being the protector is your role as far as the two of you are concerned, not hers.

Do you cower and sulk or pout when she gets mad at you? Screaming and throwing things is a really bad idea, but so is withdrawing and pouting; they both recall the subconscious image of a sulking little boy, weak and vulnerable, walking away after being scolded. How sexy is that??? Adults talk through their problems, right? And adult males lead the discussion and are respected and rewarded for it. A woman will sometimes get a rush from a man being verbally firm and sharp, as when he’s snapping her out of a dramatic tantrum to resolve an issue, but never when a man is being abusive or throwing a tantrum himself.

It’s fashionable for men to shave all their body hair, including pubic hair now. Somebody dial 9-1-1 and stop this madness, because that makes you look prepubescent! Trim if you must, but never shave, at least not around the genitals. You can’t look strong, virile, and sexy while presenting the same image that she saw when changing diapers or potty-training a little boy. Sure, she knows it’s you, but attraction and maternal drive are not volitional, logical things; they are fully automatic, biologically wired, irresistible and infallible. Once engaged, “stuff happens!” She may say she likes it, but it doesn’t take long for that child-like image to make her RESPOND biologically, not logically, in a way that neither of you want. Don’t indulge the moment at the expense of the rest of your marriage.

Okay, are we clear here? Never take on any posture, language, or activity that is reminiscent of a helpless, vulnerable child, even in satire (like intimate baby talk.) “Cute,” “sweet,” “precious,” etc., are not adjectives that equate to attractive, strong, virile, or sexy. As some of the women have reported, acting like a slacking teenager – depressed, unmotivated, lazy, irresponsible, etc. – can also dramatically trigger the maternal drive.

Watch your bearing, dress, grooming, language, tone, etc., and you will likely spot things that little wusses do, and even if you don’t do them for the same reason, they still present the subliminal/subconscious image of a little wuss in a bigger package. Yes, that’s bad, because that in turn equates to “giant industrial size little wussy boy who needs mama to clean up after him and put him to bed.” Just say, “no.” ‘Nuff said.

The name of the game Gentlemen, is “attraction,” a huge part of which is “communication.” What are you communicating? Is it attractive? Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of my e-book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and find out, and fix what needs fixing. Do it today, right now, because the longer you let it go the worse it gets, and the sooner you get it done the sooner you reap the rewards your partner has for you.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, October 29, 2010

Be Careful What You Wish For In Your Relationship or Marriage, Part 3: Romance

I’ve run into another of those “Be careful what you wish for” scenarios, and it’s yet another perfect example of how women will say they want something because it makes for a bit of an emotional rush, but it never quite works out the same way in the real world, especially on the subject of ROMANCE.

I got an e-mail from an Australian friend, one who’s pretty bright when her brain is engaged, but who seems to have been living alone and bored just a little too long, because she’s pretty bad about getting caught up in “sweet” e-mails when she’s lonely. Check this out:

RE: Awwww

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty.

He said, “No.”

She asked him if he would want to be with her forever...and he said, “No.”

She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he said, “No.”

She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said...

“You're not pretty, you're beautiful.

“I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever.

“And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die...”

I sent this out to two groups of women for their response. The first group was a group of 16-25 year old single women who had responded to a survey I ran last year. Their archetypical responses were:

“Awww…that’s sweet.”

“I wish I had a guy like that.”

“That’s so romantic.”

The other group was ages 30-60 who are married or in a committed relationship of two years or longer:

“’Awwww’ my ass! I’d say ‘EWWWWW!!!”

“Yuck! What a wuss!”

“Yeah, right. Like anybody would fall for that crap.”

“Can I just shoot him and get it over with?”

“Yeah, sure. I can just see Humphrey Bogart or Dirty Harry saying something like that.”

Are you getting the drift? When it comes to romance, young women and teenage girls are pretty silly, and don’t yet have a clue that there are things they respond to differently than how they imagine, while more mature women, while still prone to do that at times, can be expected to be more in touch with their feelings by virtue of having been burned by them in the past, so their reaction in this case is the one that tells you what you need to know.

There’s nothing romantic about acting like a needy wuss. Yet when we are in our teens and early twenties and are making our first efforts to learning about women, we’re inundated with all this silly crap we hear (or more likely, OVERHEAR, out of context) from girls, NOT women, mind you, and those wrong answers hang with us into adulthood until somebody pulls the wool from over our eyes and shows us the truth. One of the worst of these is the girlish tendency to confuse “sweet” with “romantic.”

So while you can’t necessarily be blamed for not having anything better to work with in the past, now that you know there is something better, you have a responsibility to yourself to seek it out, learn it and use it. So what is “romance”? And what is “romantic”?

Romantic, more than anything else, is that which is larger than life and sparks excitement and attraction, in a word, “heroic.” There’s nothing romantic about blowing a month’s salary to take a woman to Paris for lunch when you live in North America. That’s done for extravagance, and is wasteful. A young girl who has never had to work for what she has might mistakenly see that as romantic, but the average adult woman, while she might fantasize about something like that with a stranger, would see the actual act as wasteful and stupid if performed by the man she’s been with for awhile...

…and more to the point, a man who is so frivolous that he would blow money he didn’t have like that would not be seen by a woman in or considering a committed relationship as being able to make responsible decisions and be a good partner. He could be a plaything, but nothing more – another one of those things that might get someone’s attention in the dating world but has no place in a committed relationship, unless you’re so wealthy that going to Paris for lunch is something that you could afford to do for fun and would do by yourself. Otherwise it's just a desperate act of attention-getting and approval-seeking, a sign of a man who’s good for buying drinks, expensive dinners and vacations, and then leaving when she grows bored of it.

That’s not to say that a trip to Paris isn’t romantic. But it has to be a real trip. There has to be time to see the city, experience the city and build memories that she can relive, and time to gather mementos to put in her treasure box. There has to be time and opportunity for intimacy to take advantage of being in an exotic place and using it to build excitement, attraction, and all those memories as well. Just being there long enough to say you were there isn’t enough.

Think not? Think about it for a minute. You hopped a plane, went there, had lunch, and flew back. What memories will she have? Being rushed to café, eating, and being rushed back to the airport. And what happens when she tries to share it with her girlfriends? She will be barraged by “Did you see such-and-such? Did you go to such-and-such? Did you try such-and-such?” To which she can only answer, “No,” and then will hear, “Well, when WE went, we did all that, and it was great!” or “Then why did you go?” Instead of an adventure to remember, you gave her a disappointment and embarrassment in front of her friends. That’s not romance, is it?

To be romantic, she needs to remember more than the sights of the city; she needs to remember you and herself immersed in the emotion of being in the city.

And you need to know the difference! You need to know how to look at the situation through her eyes to know if it will be something wonderful that labels you a wonderful man who gets it or a desperate, approval-seeking jackass.

Do you?

Would you know how to use a trip, a dinner, a bouquet of flowers, or more appropriately, a live plant, or even a “sticky note” to create a romantic occasion for your partner? If you don’t, I’ll give you three guesses as to at least one of the reasons that she’s bored and unhappy and you’re reading this newsletter…

…and in truth, should be reading my book, "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," which you can download at http://www.makingherhappy.com, and getting your knowledgebase in order. You need to purge all the lore, urban legends, bad programming and other utter crap you’ve heard about women that’s swimming around in your head and screwing up your relationship and marriage and get with the real program, the one that lets you enjoy being and feeling like a man and lets her feel like she’s truly living with the man of her dreams.

You could also join us at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, where some rather brilliant minds, in addition to my own and including some belonging to some very outspoken women (and by the way, we’re finding out that when you remove a woman’s ability to use non-verbal communication and rely purely on text, she does finally get down to some very bold and very blunt talk, and it is truly fascinating!), to get the low-down on whatever happens to be bothering you at the moment. It’s all solid information, and all helpful to those who have the sense to listen.

It’s your choice, and your responsibility, to yourself and to her, so choose well, and choose quickly. The clock is running…

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Be Careful What You Wish For in Your Relationship or Marriage, Part 2: Fantasies

MUST READ! (And you know I use those words VERY sparingly!) When women say they have a “rape fantasy,” they are not being literal. They’re talking about a show of confidence and decisiveness, not brutality and cruelty. Find out exactly what they really mean by reading on…

Today is a great day. I stopped a reader from ruining his marriage and his life, and I may be about to stop somebody else by sharing his letter and my response. Meet Geoff:

Hi David,

I got your book, and things are really coming together fast. I had apparently become pretty boring without realizing it, and now that I’m back to being me, my wife is back to being her old self too, and it’s like you say, the honeymoon is back on. We’ve gone from once every time the seasons change to almost every night and sometimes during the day.

I’ve even overheard her telling her girlfriends about what’s happening and she’s trying to play it off to me like it’s not that big of a deal and teasing me to keep the pressure on, but when she talks to them and tells them about stuff I’m doing and stuff we’re doing, she giggles like a school girl. I walked in on her yesterday while she was talking to one of them and she was talking about what happened in the bedroom the night before and blushed and hung up in a hurry and ran out of the room laughing!

Overhearing her phone conversations is the reason I’m writing to you. I overheard her say something a few days ago about things are getting so hot she’s having “rape fantasies.” That makes me uncomfortable to think about, but if she really wants to try it I guess I’m willing. What do you think? I mean, is this something I should do for her, or is this some sign that she has a problem?

Thanks, and have a good one,
Geoff


Congratulations, Geoff! I just love hearing success stories like this. As for your wife’s fantasy, we need to talk, and fast!

Repeat after me and commit this to memory: NO MENTALLY HEALTHY WOMAN EVER HAS A TRUE RAPE FANTASY! Rape is violent, traumatic, and often damages women for life. It is not about sex, but about subjugation, terror, control, and abuse. It causes some women to do things like never want sex, never allow their husbands to see them undressed, fall into suicidal depression, become so paranoid they can’t leave the house or sleep in the dark, etc. She’s talking about something else, and you and every other man needs to know what that is, so here goes, straight from the mouths of women:

Women want to be desired, led, and ultimately taken by a strong, confident man who doesn’t ask permission to initiate sex, but loves and respects them enough to honor the word “no” when they hear it and recognize it as being spoken in earnest. A great example is the scene in “The Fountainhead” where Gary Cooper goes to visit Patricia Neal in her apartment. She wants him terribly, and has gone to great lengths to make him know that she wants him, but she still resists because she wants him to “take” her, to hold her tightly, kiss her passionately, and take her where she’s craving to go, emotional heights of sexual bliss previously unreached! Understand above all that she fights him off to see how much he wants her, and feel the rush of him winning, and she wants him desperately. She runs away because she wants, or even NEEDS to be caught, to feel the rush of passion and of being wanted.

This is what a woman refers to when she speaks of a rape fantasy, the feeling of a man being in charge and taking her where she wants to go, confidently, expertly, without asking permission. It’s a “sweep her off her feet” maneuver, not a “violate her and leave her emotionally ruined for all time” maneuver. They refer to it as a rape fantasy because once in a great while, in sharp contrast to their normal desire to be ramped up through a lot of talk, caressing, foreplay, advancing and withdrawing, it’s exhilarating for them to be taken to an aroused state through naughty play and seeing their man doing manly things to the extent that they’re wanting him, and then to just have him do something like walk in the house, pick her up, and carry her to the bed and ravish her without ever slowing down, shockingly and decisively, or to swiftly, hungrily, but playfully wrestle her to the couch, floor, kitchen counter, etc., and just go for it, hell-bent for glory and orgasm.

Things like firm-but-not-cruelly-painful pulling of her hair, spanking her behind firmly but not abusively (it’s much more about the sound of a spanking than the stinging for most women, and if you can cause a loud smacking noise without causing pain, you’re a master), wrestling and struggling a bit as you maneuver for position, etc., can be exhilarating for her and add to the sexual tension greatly if she’s into it, but the true essence of rape, the sadistic beating and threatening designed to humiliate, terrorize and subjugate, are not healthy, and not what she’s looking for if she’s healthy.

This is something you do only occasionally, and only when you can tell that she’s already amped up and you’ve been keeping her mind on naughty thoughts through the day. It’s done for the shocking thrill of pure, raw, carnal abandon, not when she’s had a bad day fighting with the kids, people at school or work, sitting with a loved one in a hospital, etc. If you encounter genuine resistance of any kind, this isn’t the time to be doing this; indeed, if she’s sufficiently aroused for this to be a good time for something like this, she may even be tearing at your clothes and clawing at your skin at the same time she’s saying, “stop.” The distinguishing factor is the heat; there will be very little if any foreplay, because she’s already amped up, is aching to have you inside her, and will aggressively be trying to make you erect and get you inside her as soon as possible. By all means, in this scenario, OBLIGE HER!

It’s about a show of confidence, not a show of force, or brutality. It’s about the man showing that he doesn’t fear his or her feelings or desires, or her rejection, and knowing, while seeing and feeling this powerful behavior, that if something weren’t right and she were to say, “No,” or tell him to stop in earnest, that he would do so, not because he’s weak, but because he’s in charge, not desperate; respectful and loving, not demeaning and abusive. This kind of action is a celebration of primal, carnal sexuality for both of you, not some “putting her in her place” maneuver intended to demean and subjugate.

If you really want to go to extremes, then at least establish some sort of safety signal that she can invoke so that you know that her resistance isn’t just part of the fantasy, such as the words “red light” or “too far,” which will allow her to say things like “stop” and “don’t” as part of her fantasy but still provide you a way of knowing that you’re going too far, being too rough, etc. One thing that you never, ever want to do is find yourself in a position of wanting to apologize for something after sex. But, as with most things concerning women, a little genuine communication goes a long, long way to keeping things on the right path.

As you can see, women often speak their desires, but even when they do choose to speak directly to us about them, which may be more often than you think, they don’t do it in language that we readily understand. They never state the obvious. When they say they want a “sensitive” man, they don’t mean sensitive instead of manly, they mean in addition to manly. When they say they have a “rape” fantasy, they mean they want to be taken swiftly and hungrily, not beaten to a pulp, verbally abused, scared to death, and then disrespectfully desecrated. But how are you supposed to know this?

You won’t, unless you learn to speak “girly-ese” as I and the many readers of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” have done successfully. There is a lot of instruction happening right now on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, were women are currently describing to men what all those signals are that we always miss and they always get so upset about, and a lot of other things they want. It’s only one facet of the communications gap, but it’s a biggie, and it’s a great place to start.

Effective communications or the lack thereof can make or break a relationship just as surely as being well- or poorly-matched, or sexually attracted or sexually bored. Luckily for you, all of the above are discussed at length in this truly amazing book, and by the end of it you too will be a master of happy relationships. Download your copy now at http://www.makingherhappy.com, before you cross some invisible line that lands you in crisis counseling or divorce court, or if you already have, because it will get you out of trouble and keep you out if you just read it and use it.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Be Careful What You Wish For in Your Relationship or Marriage, Part 1, the Nice Guy

A female reader cautions women to be careful what they wish for, because they might just get it. Like many women who don’t realize that what they think they want and that to which they respond are often two entirely different things, she wanted a nice guy, got one, and was bored to tears, but with some help from “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” everything is finally the way she likes it.

Today’s episode is a success story from a woman who wrote to me once before with a problem, with terrific lessons for both men and women on what women think they want and what happens when that’s radically different from what they respond to, namely, yes, the dreaded “B” word: boredom. Once again, here’s Daphne:

Dear David,

I hope it is ok that I am writing to you more than once, but I have something I think needs to be put out there for all to read. I am sure a lot of women have said "IF I could just meet a nice guy I would love that!" Well I am here to tell you be careful what you wish for. I used to say those exact words and I did find a nice guy. Then I wished he had found someone else besides me.

The trouble with a nice guy is just that. He is a nice guy. Now I am not saying all men should be jerks. I have had a couple of those as well. What I am saying is a typical nice guy is not attractive to a real woman. Women have all these ideas as to what a real man should be, like sensitive and open and always doing everything for us and waiting on us, and to be honest we are dreaming. Nice guys are fun for about an hour and after that you find yourself looking over his shoulder and yours for the naughty boy because the naughty boy excites us and we find ourselves so attracted to him he is all we think about or want especially in our beds.

After I bought your book and read it myself I left it for him on the bedside table in hopes he would take the hint because I got goose bumps reading parts of your book and thinking about a man doing all those things with me and to me and wanted him to be the one to do them. I know men do not take hints very well but I was hoping for once it would work and I would not have to totally crush him with the truth. No such luck. I finally had to tell him either read the book or I was out of there. After a few days of really taking your work serious I have a real man starting to form right here in front of me. I still have a nice guy sometimes but we’ll get past that eventually and the man’s man I see him becoming is great. But when I have the naughty boy come out to play I’m on fire all over again. He’s hot and he definitely makes me hotter than I care to mention.

If I could give some advice to your male readers take this advice to heart and you will never find yourself alone in the bed or in life again. No woman wants a wuss or a total ass. What we want is the best of all things in one package and with some reading and a few attitude adjustments you could be what every woman is dreaming of in a man. Is that not what it’s all about? Being a man who is wanted, enjoyed and loved by the woman of your dreams?

Men you can take things as they are and pretend all is well or you can make your wildest dreams come true. Women like to be just as sexually aggressive and free as most men so let us out and let’s enjoy the passion and heat with each other. Make it work for your life the way we have made it work for us. I can tell you our bed is never still and even when we are out I know the look in his eyes when he is thinking about us and now I want this man all the time.

David I know your wife has to be the luckiest woman ever since you already know the true secrets of making us happy. Thank you for giving the rest of us the chance to live it as well.

Daphne

Wow! What do you say to something like that, except “thanks for writing it and congratulations on finding what you want”? Well, on second thought, there is a thing or two.

Daphne’s right about the “nice guy” thing in several respects, if you know what she’s saying, which the women here do, and anyone who has read “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” does, but many of you men don’t have a clue. No, she’s not saying that women want a man to be mean to them, in spite of the reference to the naughty boy. Indeed, think prankster, like pigtail puller, not jerk or abuser.

What she’s saying is that when a man spends all their time together aggressively seeking to please and appease her, it’s weak, approval-seeking behavior that bores the mortal hell out of them, and they don’t like it at all. Yes, they want a man who is considerate, moderately well-mannered, etc., but ass-kissing, trying to buy their affection with gifts, especially expensive ones, etc., is not going to get it done.

Indeed, constantly being the overly considerate and staunchly well-mannered gentleman isn’t going to go over very well over time, either. He’s nice, and a breath of fresh air at first, but not interesting. There must be that naughty element of fun and mischief popping up when she least expects it, and several other things, all of which are interesting and fun for a man to be and do, brought to bear before you can sweep her off her feet and keep her up and happy.

I would also caution you that being with a woman is NOT what it’s all about. Being happy in your own skin, feeling good about who you are and the life you live, being independent and able to handle what comes at you competently and rationally, and having enough adventure to be challenging are what it’s all about. Do THOSE things, have THOSE feelings, and you will not only attract the right woman, you will be attractive to all women, in addition to being happy in your own right.

By the way, as I mentioned a day or two ago, there has been a lot of discussion recently about the “nice guy” on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, not just about the symptoms, or how much women hate it, but about the mechanics of it, how it impacts you internally, and even physically – it almost killed my friend David, or “Think-First,” his nickname on the forum. It’s interesting and highly motivating reading, and you should definitely join us and check it out. The whole site is searchable, so just put “nice guy” in the search box and it will come back with the threads that discuss it. Pretty sweet!

I need to comment on one other point. Daphne seems to say that some reading and a few attitude adjustments are all that is required. That’s not always the case, but that’s probably what she saw, and it’s pretty close to accurate. To be the man that every woman wants and the woman you love wants to stay with, you will most likely have to make some fundamental changes in either your life or your knowledge base and habits, changes that you will enjoy, but which may take some getting used to, like becoming independent so you can act and feel independent, becoming a man who enjoys his life so you can act and feel as if you enjoy your life, genuinely, not as part of some façade. It’s not difficult; indeed, it’s far easier than feeling dependent and insecure, but when you’ve been under the gun for a long time, it just feel foreign, and weird, until you realize how much you’re enjoying it.

Faking it causes stress that kills relationships as fast or faster than the problems you try to fake your way through. Besides, who wants to fake being happy when you have the option of really doing it??? Or fake feeling confident when you have the option to really do it? Do you want to fret over blowing your cover or do you want to be calm and relaxed in your relationship because things really are going well? Duh! ;-)

You really can do it, and people like you are proving it every day. Do you really want to put this off any longer? I advise you to start fixing problems and improving your relationship now, because it only gets harder as you wait. Fix existing problems, large and small, and prevent those that haven’t started or are just starting from becoming huge, painful issues, especially since it’s far easier to prevent any problem than to fix one.

The fix and the preventive medicine are the same, it’s just a matter of how much pain and pressure you can endure if you put it off until it forces you to deal with it. So you finally see the light? Good. Get on over to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” right now, and get started turning your life around, before your wife gets sick of having what she may have wished for before she knew any better and goes looking for someone to make her new wishes come true.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Confessions of Bored Women: Everybody Gets Hurt – Stop It from Killing Your Relationship or Marriage!

A woman writes in response to the contest some ladies were having in a previous issue. As she confesses, it’s not just the men that get hurt when women get bored and out of control.

Well Guys, I thought I was going to be able to leave this topic alone for at least a week or two, but when this letter came in, I knew it couldn’t wait. I’ve seen too much of this myself, and I’m sure many of you have seen it, too because it is so common. However, I have to ask how many people ever stop to consider the underlying cause of this scenario or the ultimate impact until it’s pointed out to them. Meet Ursula:

Dear David,

After reading your newsletter from the woman that told you all about the contest her and her friends used to have, I have one of my own. I never thought I would be sharing this with anyone, but I figured if she was able to open up enough to share maybe I should as well.

I had a group of friends that I liked to go out with and we really got crazy at times. We did not call what we did a contest, but we did place bets at the beginning of each night on who would come out on top.

We would go out at night for a few drinks and in the parking lot we would set the rules of the game. The game was to see who at the end of the night had the most phone numbers of the men we met in the clubs.

We’d pick a bar, club or whatever you want to call it and see who could get the attention of the most men in the short time we spent there. We’d have them buy us drinks and pretend to be interested, but in reality we were only after the phone numbers. Once the number was obtained we no longer had any interest in that man and moved on to the next poor sucker.

I know you may be saying “what a terrible thing to do,” but to us it was just something sort of fun to do. Having anything more than watching the kids and cleaning the house or sitting on the couch while our husbands hogged the remote and channel surfed was an improvement. We had no interest in ever using the phone numbers or ever seeing the men again. They were just a tool in the pursuit of attention, relief from the sheer torment of our boredom, and of course winning the bet for the evening. We never gave out our numbers or even fake ones. We would tell them that if they wanted to see us again we would call them and for the most part it worked.

In the beginning I loved the attention and that just fueled the fire to continue, but it was so wrong. The means by which we obtained their number was up to each woman and sometimes it did get into some pretty heavy sex talk. Making them believe that they were going to get something that never was going to happen was common. Men were waiting for a call that was never going to come and the whole time we were laughing and counting the money or whatever the prize was for the night.

When the evening would end we would all meet up and show all the numbers we had collected, laughing the whole time about how stupid most men were to fall for such a trick. The truth is we were the ones that were pathetic, thinking that no one would be getting hurt, it was just a game, right? Wrong. It was people’s lives we were messing with and no one has that right.

The game finally came to an end when my best friend was beaten and raped in a parking lot by man whom she had played earlier. She’d promised him they’d meet later at her place and he waited in the parking lot to follow her home, and got furious when she said she wasn’t going home. She was in the hospital for three days and still isn’t over the trauma. So it’s not just men who get hurt when we get bored and out of control.

As I look back and to tell the truth, not that long ago we were looking for the attention we were not getting from the one that said he loved us. Some had husbands and some boyfriends, but we all had someone. I do not know if any of the other ladies shared this with their loved one or are still living on the thoughts of what we did, but I did come clean with my husband and we have moved on now.

Our relationship is not yet perfect, but we are working on it every day now, thanks to your book, to make it as perfect as it can be, and after just two weeks it’s like I’m living with a different man. I no longer go out with those friends, and we seldom speak except by phone. Now I spend my time with my husband, thankful for each precious moment we share together. With the attention he gives me now I do not have time or desire for games and it was worth everything to me just to have him back and spending time with me and talking to me instead of hiding at work.

Thanks for the ear,
Ursula


Do you see why this couldn’t wait? I’ve been receiving a few letters from some of you guys expressing negative thoughts about the notion of being responsible for a woman’s boredom, but look at what happened here…

One of these women was beaten and raped in a parking lot. She hasn’t yet gotten over it, and may never get over it, and as long as she’s not over it, her family won’t be either. Now think about this: If your wife was mugged in the parking lot of a mall or grocery store and beaten and raped, you’d want to kill the guy who did it, wouldn’t you? And would you not also be thinking, “If I’d only gone with her, this wouldn’t have happened,” right?

So what makes this other scenario any different? You’d still want to kill the guy, and you’d still be saying, “If I’d been there, it wouldn’t have happened.” We’re just talking about a different kind of “being there,” are we not? Being there mentally and emotionally to keep her from feeling abandoned and bored?

For as long as men have walked on Earth, part of our job is to protect our mate and offspring. And sometimes we have to protect them from themselves. There’s no denying it. Kids and adults alike can do really stupid, desperate, pointless things when they get emotionally charged and don’t think about the possible outcomes of what they are doing, or about to do, and when we take on a family, we take on some level of responsibility for helping them to make good decisions and keeping them out of harm’s way.

Some of you might answer that with, “Well, there’s a point where I should be able to expect them to not need my protection.” To that, I must ask you, if you sent your wife, your daughter, your sister, or your mother out the door ahead of you and followed to find her being raped, would you be so cold as to say, “She shouldn’t have done whatever caused the guy to jump on her” or would you jump in and save her? I rest my case. Yes, there are things you should expect them to do and not do, but they may not always meet your expectations, and when they occasionally don’t, you still have to deal with the situation. Operative word there: “occasionally.” As you’ll see momentarily, I’m not saying you should give everyone license to self-destruct and expect you to bail them out of it time and again.

Living life isn’t about “what should be.” It’s about “what is.” There’s always room for improvement, but you can’t shirk your responsibilities because the improvements aren’t coming as fast as you would like. If you see room for improvement in your marriage or relationship, you have a responsibility to yourself and your partner to make it happen.

If they fail on occasion to meet their responsibility, you lead by example in meeting yours and demand that they meet theirs as you have done, and if they still fail, especially if they choose to fail and fail repeatedly, they aren’t worth your time and effort, and you “fire” them, just as swiftly and surely as an employee you catch stealing from you; indeed, such a person would be stealing from you, stealing your life!

I can’t make it any plainer for you, Gentlemen. We’re not the police, and we don’t exist solely to serve and protect, but protection is a part of the job of being a man, a husband, a father, and a friend, whether it’s from a thug or herself, from his fist or her own boredom. (And if you hit that extreme point where “doing your job” as husband makes you miserable, you do have a responsibility to yourself to look at the option of changing “employers,” if you know what I mean.) So is being able to conduct a conversation that actually solves problems instead of just initiates conflict and competition. So is knowing as much about the women in your house as you know about yourself, in terms of needs, feelings, and so forth.

And so is just standing up and being a man, and enjoying it. If you do it well, it’s a job that pays off better than anything you can imagine, especially in terms of benefits! ;-)

Incidentally, speaking of protection and responsibility, I just returned from a fantastic defensive handgun training program at the Front Sight Firearms Training Institute in Nevada, and there’s a review of the course and a lot of great tips posted on our forum if you’re planning on attending. While you’re there, take a look at everything else. In the short time our site has been online, we’ve already covered some of the toughest situations imaginable, and added a lot of other fun stuff from our female members, great tips on life, relationships, hobbies, and more, and you’re really missing out if you’re not there taking advantage of it.

So are you ready to do a better job of being a man, and get “paid” for it? I’ll make it easy for you. Just go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and see what I mean. Everybody who is using it is getting results, and so will you. After all, you’re a smart guy, right?

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, October 25, 2010

Choosing the Perfect Gift for the Woman in Your Relationship or Marriage

“The Holidays” are almost upon us, and it’s time to revisit the topic of choosing the perfect gift for a woman so you can have time to get it right this year. Choosing the perfect gift for a woman is a difficult proposition at best, unless you have paid attention to her and come to know a few intimate details about her. Why? An excerpt from “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” explains it…

Before I get into today’s lesson, I want to point out to everyone that our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, is the center of activity for everything I do and that’s where all new material will show up; these newsletters are on a one-year cycle and contain both basic and advanced material, as well as an invitation to our forum.

I mention this because I just posted an article on our forum that you’ll definitely not want to miss, describing the many common mistakes that people make that utterly destroy their sex life. I post something useful like this every chance I get, but you may only see it if you visit our forum regularly and click the “What’s New” button at the top, which shows all updated threads since your last login.

“The Holidays,” as we say here in The States, are almost here, and unless you want to be standing in those mile-long lines in mid-December you’d better start thinking about and making arrangements for that perfect gift that you’re going to give your wife or girlfriend this year. And, by the way, the same rules apply for any other woman in your life, whether it’s your mother, sister, daughter, special coworker, vendor, customer, neighbor or whomever. The same rules apply, because they’re all either women or women-in-training (like your daughter! LOL!)

I’ve published this excerpt from “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” several times and always received a lot of positive feedback on it, so if you’ve not yet read it or tried it, do yourself and the women in your life a favor and do so now. Indeed, even if you have read it before, call it “a last-minute review” and read it again to make sure you have it down pat before embarking on this most difficult, crucial and rewarding of male quests.

Without further ado, the perfect gift for any woman is:

A Gift That You Know She’d Like Because You’ve Paid Attention to Her!

Women want to know that we think about them from time to time when they’re not around, and notice them when they are. Is that really too much to ask? To know her well enough to know her favorite flower, perfume, color, scent, time of year, activity, etc., things that give you serious guidance when it’s time to surprise her with a gift? Can you really say that it’s that difficult? You can know something as intimate and guarded as her dress size by simply looking in her closet and checking a few tags.

How would you feel if you were allergic to wool and a woman bought you a wool bathrobe? Or allergic to peanuts and a woman bought you a box of peanut brittle? Or you were tone deaf and a woman bought you a music box or a guitar? If you had a traumatic experience as a child, like being attacked and mauled by a dog, and a woman bought you something that reminded you of it, like a puppy, especially of the breed that attacked you?

Men do truly stupid and insensitive stuff like that all the time, but we seldom hear about it except during an explosion, at which time it may have happened too long ago for us to even remember it, things like hearing a woman say she’s going on a diet or a pair of pants is a little too tight and then buying her a box of candy or insisting on taking her to an expensive restaurant that violates her diet or causes her to have to face up to having grown beyond her favorite dress for such occasions, or even worse, inviting her to a day at the beach after “being told” (being signaled) that she’s needing to go on a diet.

Have you never noticed how when they buy us a gift, it’s always well-thought out? Even if they don’t know what to get us and end up getting us socks or a necktie, the socks or tie will match what we have perfectly, and be the right size. They pay attention to us, and try to make things nice for us when they can. If a woman’s favorite flower is a daisy, she’d rather receive a bunch of daisies picked from the side of the road or even a picture of a daisy that you drew and colored with crayons for her than a dozen roses – the generic gift that every man gives every woman and is so blasted impersonal these days that if fools like us didn’t buy them for women who didn’t want them, nobody would be buying them except for funerals. Indeed, there are occasions where roses are in fact deemed an attempt to appease a man’s own guilty conscience because they have become so impersonal.

Cost doesn’t matter; the gift is both a sign that you’ve been thinking about her and a measure of how much you’ve been thinking about her – it’s your life that she wants to share most, not your wallet (unless she’s a gold-digger – see the “How Much Is Enough?” issue from August 6, 2006 if you’ve not seen it by following the link to the archive below my signature). After all the crap they endure from us while we’re trying to learn how to get along with them and do what we’re supposed to do as men, we owe them the little extra effort that the daisies – or whatever is supremely personal for them -- require.

Daisies, even when they are her favorite flower, are by no means the perfect gift either; indeed, if it can die and need to be disposed of, it’s probably a bad choice. Women get sentimentally attached to gifts. In some part of your home (or hers, if you aren’t living together) is probably a secret cache of all the notes, cards, and gifts that you ever gave her, every little thing that ever showed that you were really thinking about her.

When she’s feeling bad, including when she’s sulking after a fight, she’ll go to this secret treasure box and commune with all the mementos that make her feel good about herself and you. You’re actually doing both of you a huge favor when you give her things that while not extravagant, are tangible and lasting proof that you took the time to make her feel special – and small enough to fit in this treasure box!

This means that flowers, chocolates or other candies, pets, perfumes, and anything else that has a short life-cycle, while fun and temporarily exciting, in the long term will have to be disposed of, and she will find these things depressing, even traumatic as she has to separate them from her life, while the “sticky note” that you left on her mirror in the bathroom that simply says, “Can’t wait to see you tonight,” or something playful like “I’ll swap you a kiss for dinner when I get home,” (for you newbies, that remark will start a playful negotiation for intimacy later in the evening if you play it right when she says a kiss isn’t going to be enough to get dinner) will stay with her forever, and may indeed get you back into her good graces after you’ve made an ass of yourself and made her really mad as she digs through her treasure chest of memories and is reminded of all the reasons she keeps you around.

Before we wrap this section up, I need to make one thing perfectly clear: I AM NOT saying that you should never buy a nice gift for a woman. I know some of you tightwads are out there saying, “Cool! I can give her crayon drawings and take the money I would have used to buy her stuff and buy beer and hot rod parts!” No, and you should be ashamed of yourself. I’m saying that you should never use a gift to win her favor or approval, or because you feel guilty, or especially not to make her feel guilty (like buying an expensive gift to pressure her for something sexual) or for any other reason except either you think she’ll enjoy it or you will enjoy giving it to her, and when you do give her one, make it obvious that it is specifically for her, well thought out, and has something of you in it for her to relish as a keepsake, especially if it shows that you spent time to make it happen. There will be times when it will need to be expensive, at least to some degree, and if you follow the above rules, you’ll know when that is.

So you see, while holiday gifts should be a little out of the ordinary and may cost more than impromptu gifts, the expense of the gift is nowhere near as impressive, nor romantic, as the appropriateness and personal nature of the gift. Many couples do ask each other if there is anything in particular they were looking forward to as a holiday gift, and if you do, then of course, respond to expressed wishes, but also make sure that there is at least one gift that she’s not expecting, and that is particularly well thought-out, even if you have to enlist the help of your children or her girlfriends (threaten to put a curse on the house of anyone who divulges your secret and DO NOT enlist the help of anyone known to be indiscreet or whom you know to be competitive with your partner or you could find yourself in a trap!), figure out something very special that is so personal that when she sees it, it is obvious that you were thinking intensely and only of her.

(You can also do this with things she asks for, by putting that special little twist that makes something common that she wants special for her, either with the gift itself, or perhaps the packaging or delivery method of the gift, like presenting it to her in your sharpest-looking suit if she has remarked that she misses seeing you in one. Pay attention and use your imagination!)

For example, take a cue from this reader’s real-world situation:

I was discussing this issue with a consulting client (and friend – Hi Joe!), who said that his wife loves coffee, huge mugs to put it in so she can dress it up with flavorings, etc., loves New York City, loves a particular brand of chocolate, and wears a charm bracelet. From this, you can fashion a perfect intimate gift by finding a huge, artistically tasteful coffee mug with a New York City cityscape or something else peculiar to the town that would spark a fond memory for her (like a Yankees logo if the two of you had a romantic experience at a baseball game there), preferably in her favorite color if it’s available, filled with pieces of her favorite chocolate or a gift certificate for a purchase from the chocolatier (if she loves everything that Godiva, Ghirardeli, etc., make, as opposed to having one particular chocolate favorite), and hiding beneath the chocolate or gift certificate, a charm for her bracelet, again something that sparks a romantic memory of an intimate moment shared somewhere. Do you see how this all fits together?

The chocolate is obvious, but it’s short-term delight. To provide longevity, you have the coffee mug and the charm, both of which are related to something special to her, and which will spark romantic memories when she sees them. Everything involved is something personally chosen according to her passions. You see, one favorite aspect is good, but it’s still something that any other woman could receive. By combining all these aspects, ALL OF WHICH YOU CAN BET SHE WILL RECOGNIZE INSTANTLY, you make the entire gift uniquely personal, in spite of the fact that everything is mass-produced. Now, to top it off…

A small, hand-written note or card that says how much you’ve enjoyed having her in your life and how much you look forward to sharing more with her – NO PREPRINTED VERSE OR PROSE OF ANY KIND – includes a permanent piece of you in the mix, and gives her something to put in the treasure box. I have personally seen women burst into tears over simple gifts like this, simply because their man knew them well enough and cared enough about them to make the small effort that it takes to do it. All it takes is knowing your partner, which you should (and will be expected to do whether you have or not!) if you’ve been with her any time at all.

If she’s like Joe’s wife except that she doesn’t like chocolate so much, and her hands get cold when she drives, a nice pair of driving gloves – in the correct size and that match a scarf she wears, her handbag, favorite coat, or something significant like that – stuffed into the coffee mug is perfect. If she doesn’t do charm bracelets and charms, maybe a small coin run through one of those machines that converts it into an imprinted souvenir coin, or a ticket stub you saved from a concert or ball game there, even a subway pass to an event – anything to remind her of a very special time – or tickets to an upcoming event – to create a new special memory – will work.

Know your partner, and choose her gifts based on what you know. Know above all else that the idea behind a gift is to celebrate partnership and make her feel special, not to buy her favor. The idea is to show that you love and notice her, not to be needy or try to buy her, which are creepy and insulting to all but a gold-digger precisely because they imply that you think she is a gold-digger who would expect and respond to such a thing, and no good woman will put up with that for an instant!

Guys, I hope you found that excerpt helpful, and again, this advice pertains to all women – mother, daughters, sisters, friends, coworkers, boss -- under all circumstances, not just your wife. I can’t say it any more plainly or with any more conviction. Over 100 women were brought together for the express purpose of teaching me what makes women tick, what they want from men, what they respond to involuntarily in men, and how to communicate effectively with them.

They did their job and did it well. “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” was constructed from that research, and those women put this book to their partners to test and refine everything we covered. Anything that worked for 90% or more of those couples is in the book, and less effective principles are being refined for updates or discussed in this newsletter as potentials to explore.

It worked for them, and it’s guaranteed to work for you. Download your copy right now at http://www.makingherhappy.com and join the many happy men and women who have brought their relationships back from boredom, affairs, and even divorce proceedings – some in under a week! -- to be exciting, fun, sexy, and richly rewarding, often better than it had ever been, because life’s too short to spend it unhappy, bored, in fear of getting caught in an affair, or celibate.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, October 24, 2010

What Do You Hear When Your Wife or Girlfriend Speaks to You, If Anything? “Tuning In” to Save Your Relationship or Marriage

I received an e-mail from a woman who had gone so far as to put answers to marriage problems in her husband’s hands, and he ignored her. See her reaction, and ask yourself if you want this happening to you…

I try to respond to every piece of correspondence I receive out of respect for the time and effort that every reader who writes to me expends to do so, and I make it a point to read everything I receive whether I can respond to it at the moment or not. That includes the notifications I get when people cancel their subscription to this newsletter.

Some of the comments on those notifications are predictable, like people changing their e-mail address or just don’t have enough time to read, but sometimes there is a really revealing gem buried in one of them. Such is the case here, in this story from “P,” which I’ve edited only to obscure any personally identifiable information to protect her privacy:

Name: P
Email: xxxxxx@gmail.com
Signup Date: 00/00/00 00:00 AM EST

Comments:
I had subscribed to your newsletter using my private email address. I thought the daily advice was so appropriate, that I was forwarding it every day to our family email (this one) for my husband to read. I think you are hitting home for me, but he now has several weeks’ worth of them he has not read....which leads me to the realization that I am "shoving it in his face." I am switching back to my personal address, for me to continue to read what you have to say.

We have been married over 20 years, and in January the love of my life from high school and I started an emotional affair over the Internet since we live thousands of miles apart. He took my lifeless soul, and made me come alive again. I indeed was that bored wife that needed passion and desire in her life, and I got it with a married man I have not talked to or seen for 24 years. He was within four hours of me in May, and I took a weekend away by myself and met up with him for twelve hours. We were very physical, but did not have sex. Just this little bit of attention made me stop thinking rationally, and was willing to give up my husband and family to a set of feelings.

I have got my head on a little tighter now, and I have been the one going to counseling, reading, talking about our loss of connection etc. I have stopped communication with the other man. It isn't sinking into my husband's head, and I am tired, and ready to give up!! At this moment, if the other man asked me to, I think I would leave this marriage...

I did send an email to my husband telling him I would not forward your stuff to him anymore. But I also put your link in the e-mail in case he decides for himself that he wants to listen to someone who has his wife pegged. So I am re-signing myself up at my personal address. If you see this address sign back up, it will be because our marriage is on the turn-around, and it will be my husband that will WANT to change.

P


Gents, I don’t know about you, but I want to kick this guy in the head for being stupid! She’s saying to him, “Read this, because it tells you things that I want you to know about me and have been unable to communicate,” and he’s tuned her out. Or maybe he just doesn’t understand “girly-ese.”

What about her? Don’t go there. We’ve already established, over the course of the last several days, how severe the effects of boredom are on a woman, and in spite of her having a “swept off her feet” feeling for the first time in many years, she abstained from adulterous sex, went back home, and stayed, waiting for him to take heed and wake up. There’s nothing here to fault her for.

He, on the other hand, has refused (so far) to take responsibility for his influence upon the condition of their relationship. And if he doesn’t wake up quickly, she’s likely to just give it up, a decision they may both end up regretting to some degree.

“P” says I pegged her, but I didn't peg ONLY her. I write about what hundreds of women have taught me, through intense research and testing, about women, especially their common needs, desires, and way of going about things, like communicating, remedying boredom, and building up intimate tension for sex. I’ve never met P, never had an e-mail or other message from her nor any other communication. What I pegged was the common needs and tendencies in all women, including the one you’re with.

So what about you? Do you want to be this guy? Do you want to be the one at home with the kids while your wife is with her high school sweetheart trying to decide whether to leave you for him? Or even worse, the guy whose wife disappears one day and he gets the divorce papers and a restraining order along with a note declaring that it’s over, and he has no option but to sign the papers or fight it out with her attorney in court, because she’s done?

You think it can’t happen to you? Again, I bid you, look at the divorce rates since the 1960’s, and how they have climbed, and accelerated through the 1980’s and 1990’s to present day. Any questions?

On our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, there is an account of a woman who was in this very same predicament and ended up cutting off both men, her husband for being an alcoholic who treated his alcoholism by being a disengaged workaholic and her high school sweetheart because he had a long-standing history of failing to man up and stand with her when she was ready to stand with him. She told him time and again that she needed more than words, and all she got was excuses.

All the romance in the world won’t save you if you can’t commit when the time comes. Attraction brings you together and makes you interesting enough to live with, but it is love and commitment that are the foundation of the relationship.

It’s time to step up and take responsibility for your role in the health of your marriage or relationship, because if you don’t make the choice to do something about your problems, she will, and as you can see from P’s letter, it’s not likely that you’re going to like what she chooses.

So get it right, and get it right now. Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and lead the evolution of your marriage from something rotting on the vine to something reborn, revitalized, and in full bloom, just like it was during your honeymoon. And if she ends up pregnant as a result, don’t name it after me! LOL!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham