Friday, October 08, 2010

Signs That She’s About to Erupt, and a Miracle Cure for Tension and Drama in Relationships and Marriage

A guy asks if there are any tell-tale signs of a woman needing a drama fix. A few do come to mind… (WINK!!!)

This is one of my favorite topics, and it’s something fun and useful. To start the ball rolling, meet Zane:

Hey David,

I’ve been following you for a while and I see the things you talk about in my home every day, especially the testing and the drama. I got pretty good at handling the testing within a couple of days of reading about it in your book, but the drama thing has me stumped. I know she does it, I even know when she’s doing it and not expressing a genuine problem, but I can’t quite catch the knack of seeing it coming so I can head it off before it gets ridiculous. What am I missing?

Thanks,
Zane


Hey, Zane! Always good to hear from a fellow Southerner. (For all non-Southerners, “Hey” is Southern for “Hello, how are you?” We’re not lazy, just efficient.) You are indeed missing something, but it’s not hard to spot.

In "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," when I describe why women create drama (emotional boredom) and how they nearly always use negative pressure to create it because it’s both faster and easier to get a drama fix by stirring up a fight than by achieving something exciting, you missed the description of the progression of the problem in her and how it works up into an explosion.

Remember that in a woman’s emotional make-up, it’s boredom, not crisis, that is the biggest enemy. (See this article on our differing emotional scales for more details). If she doesn’t get relief from the boredom, she gets anxious, and then irritable, and you’ll watch her getting more and more uneasy and unreasonable as the tension within her builds. By the time she gets to the point of nearing an explosion, you’ll notice that her attitude has become very sour…

Let’s say your car broke down on your wedding anniversary and you jogged three miles to your house because she didn’t answer the phone when you called to tell her you were in trouble (okay, she was in the shower getting ready to go), and you hit the door late, sweaty, smelly, and tired. A woman in a normal state of mind would see that as heroic and be thrilled, where a woman in need of a drama fix would ignore the fact that you ran home to her and fight with you because you were late getting home. Get it?

Fights that break out over legitimate issues usually have some identifiable logic in them somewhere (although you may not be able to find it if you haven’t yet read "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and become well-versed in what women want and what makes them tick). On the other hand, drama-induced fights are in a word, absurd. These are the fights in which she seems to be raising the roof over nothing, brings up things that happened 20 years ago, and plays dirty, and your warning signs are pretty much toned-down versions of that absurd behavior – being abnormally bothered by more and more insignificant things, preoccupation situations and details that she’d normally ignore, etc. Why?

She’s trying to milk enough emotion from those things to get her fix, and getting more and more frustrated by the hour because it’s not working any better as she deviates more and more from her normal behavior. That’s what you watch for. If on a normal day she’s fairly laid back, then you notice she’s acting depressed and tense, then fussy, then negative about everything she speaks of, trouble’s coming.

There are two things you can do. Let her pick the fight, which you will both regret, or you can buck up and admit that you failed to give her some positive emotion that she needed and make up for it with some sort of surprise act of leadership, mystery, and fun, but be advised, if she’s too far gone, your efforts may end up being the very thing she uses to start the fight, and all you can do is hang tough. What exactly does that mean?

It does not mean you should be abusive, or play dirty like she is apt to do. It means that when tension and voices start to rise, you must step immediately into that leadership role and exercise some stern – and maybe even tough – love, by calling her on whatever bratty behavior she’s committing. For instance…

She says, “That’s it! I’ve had it! I’m so sick of you ALWAYS buttoning the button in the middle of your shirt first and then bouncing up and down from bottom to top! Why can’t you just start at the top and work your way down like everybody else?!”

To which you reply, “Because that’s how I’m comfortable buttoning it, and I don’t really care what you or anybody else thinks about it. It’s ridiculous that you should even bring something like that up, and the only reason you’re doing it is because you’re bored to death and need the a rush. Now settle down, stop being a brat and conduct yourself with a little dignity, and let’s find a more productive way of giving you what you need without the two of us saying and doing something that we’ll both regret later.”

She may try to further escalate the situation after that to test your resolve, and if she does, there’s an answer to that as well, one that involves getting a bit cocky and having some fun with her, but rather than spell it out in detail I’m going to employ it now and tell you that if you want to know what it is, you’re going to have to read it in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" – LOL! However, if you want to cheat a bit, the number of women who have joined our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, to help clue you gentlemen in has doubled in the last week, and I’ve already talked with them and they’re as sharp as those who were already with us, so there are quite a few brains to pick.

Face it, Guys; it’s not and has never been a secret that the simple act of wishing your wife a good morning and making it out the door to go to work in the morning can be the joy of your day or like walking through a mine field. You need to know how to listen to her and how to talk with her to get along with her. You need to know when to be tough and when to be gentle and reassuring, when to indulge and when to reject, when to make her laugh and when to stand tall and get serious. If things have slowed in your bedroom, that’s not old age setting in, it’s one of the first symptoms of real relationship problems, the kind that lead to affairs – a symptom of advanced relationship decay – and divorce. There are pills that can help with physical deficiencies, but not with lack of engagement, lack of attraction, lack of desire, etc.

And if you doubt it, I have readers and clients in their 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s that have been together 20-50+ years and are still “whooping it up” 3-4 times per week or more, while the national average for couples who have been together for two years or more is six times per year. Yep, that’s once every two months. Talk about decay…it’s a wonder their “organs” don’t rot due to lack of contact.

You can let things continue to decay and try to make a heroic save at the last minute, which can indeed be done under the right circumstances and with the right help, or you can take the easier path and employ the same tools now, when you are not under so much pressure and have far less damage to correct, to fix everything that’s broken and keep your relationship running like a precision machine. The cost is the same (at best – it can be MUCH worse if you wait!), and it takes less time and effort to do it now before everything goes critical.

The big question is whether you are the kind of man who puts everything off and unnecessarily risks the future of his family by letting it fall into crisis before doing anything about it or if you are the kind of man who steps up and does what is necessary to keep his family – and himself – happy. What kind of man are YOU?

If you’re the kind who sees the wisdom of fixing the little problems to keep them from getting big and maintaining a happy status quo, or if you’re the kind who likes to fix them early but have been unable to find answers before things got bad, then you need to click over to http://www.makingherhappy.com right now and get your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and put things on the right track. If you’re the kind who puts things off until the last minute because you just don’t want to deal with them until you’re forced to, then I’ll be seeing you later, or if not me, your wife’s boyfriend, and probably her attorney. It’s your call; make it a good one!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, October 07, 2010

The Good, the Bad, and the Naughty: What Does She Want in YOUR Relationship and Marriage?

There seems to be a lot of confusion concerning how women relate to “nice guys” and “bad boys.” Let’s clarify…

A quick announcement: I’m about to hit the road for a training event and because there is so much gear involved I’m driving, so between now and October 17 I may miss an issue or two. The driving there and back may be around the clock and the training schedule is 12-16 hours per day, depending on the day, so I’m letting you know in advance that responses to e-mail and forum posts will be slow and a newsletter edition or two may be missed entirely so nobody will get the idea that I’ve suddenly lost interest in this project.

I’ll post a review of the training program when I get back in case anyone is interested. It sounds quite exciting and has a lot of positive reviews, but I must have some Missouri ancestors because my response to positive reviews is “show me.” I’m going to talk with the owner of the training facility while I’m there and see if I can arrange some sort of special consideration for you folks, too. There is a Hobbies section on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, and I’ll post whatever I come up with there and broadcast the link to it through these blogs and newsletter dispatches as soon as it’s up.

Let’s dig into today’s lesson. The word is finally getting out that when it comes to getting along with women, nice guys finish last – or are finished before they get started! – but as usual, the language being used to discuss what’s happening is inaccurate and misleading because there are too many “artistic liberties” being taken with the facts and their expression.

In the 1980’s we thought we were being told that women wanted a “nice guy,” a guy who was sensitive and would include them in discussion and decisions. And eager beavers that we are, we took that to mean that was ALL that women wanted. Not even close.

What we were really being told was that women wanted a guy who was a manly man, and who wouldn’t do things like verbally and physically abuse them, lay around drunk while they brought home the bacon, etc., and would be at least marginally aware and considerate of their feelings. Hence, we ended up hearing “experts” (pronounced “academic morons with pet theories and feminist propagandists”) tell us that we should do really stupid things like cry in front of our women while watching their tear-jerking movies, defer all decisions to them to compensate for chauvinism, etc.

That didn’t work too well, did it? If it had, you wouldn’t be reading this!

Now it’s happening again, only this time, the phrase that is being bandied about like a cheap bromide is “bad boy.” Every woman wants a bad boy. Well, I have news for you: NO, SHE DOESN’T! At least not the real deal…

A bad boy is that abusive, worthless parasite or predator who lets her support him and beats the hell out of her in return and leaves when he has exhausted her resources; a psychopath or sociopath. Women are not looking for a man to abuse them, at least not if they are mentally and emotionally healthy.

When a woman says she wants a bad boy, what is she really wanting? You’ll find clues posted all over the Internet. To wit, consider these answers to the question, “Why do good girls love bad boys?”:

“They add spice to our good girl lives. They make us feel wild and sexy.”

“They excite us because they are so different from us. They’re the guys our parents warned us about.”

“They put passion into our sometimes boring, structured lifestyle.”

“They aren’t afraid to argue with us, and they usually win. We know they won’t come crawling back.”

“They represent rebellion, excitement, and steamy sex all at once. We’re under their spell.”

“They are hungry, unpredictable and a little bit dangerous”

“They make us feel sexy merely by the fact that they want us. You’ve got to be hot to catch a bad boy.”

“They have mastered that sly come-hither stare. “

“They can sweep us off our feet before we even know what hit us, and we love that rush.”

“They are irresistible because they know they’re hot.”

“They know what they want, and they usually get it.”

“With them there’s never a dull moment. You never know what they’ll do next”

“They don’t feel tied down to any one woman, and we love the challenge”

“They’re not afraid to break out of dating norms. Actually, most dates are just hooking up.”

“The word insecurity is not in their vocabulary. They don’t care what others think.”

“They are usually strong-willed and sexually aggressive.”

“They make us feel safe because they’re not intimated by anyone else.”

“They usually can’t be negotiated with, but when you get your way, it’s way exciting.”

“They are unpredictable. They keep you on your toes. (Duplicate! “Never a dull moment”).”

“They are untouchable for most women (depending on where you want to touch!).”

“They bring out the sexual animal in us because we don’t feel the need to be ladylike.”

“They take charge in all the right ways whether we admit we like it or not.”

“They live life on their own terms. “

“Because they can be extremely charming and unquestionably passionate. We love the challenge of reaching them.”

“They act with authority even when they have no right to.”

“They flirt with other women. It drives us crazy and makes us want them more.”

“They can’t be tested (or trusted most of the time!)”

“They are independent and throw caution to the wind.”

“Because they exude confidence at all times, making even the most secure women try harder.”

“They seduce us without even trying. And we feel like we’ve got to work hard to seduce them at times.”

“They are the right mix of mysterious and elusive. We never feel smothered but sort of wish we could.”

“They carry on as if women aren’t important to them. We want to be the one that matters.”

“They encourage us to be a little bit bad. They love it when we’re a lot bad!”

“We can be as obnoxious as we want, and we know they will always act worse. (Women need to be lead into being bad when a man is around!)”

“They show us a better time than responsible, upstanding guys. We try to fight this gut reaction, but we can’t. (Attraction is biological, not logical!)”

“They make us feel incredible when they do pay attention to us. The little things matter so much more.”

“They love their lives and aren’t bound by the rules of society. We want to let loose with them. (Again, needing to be lead to being bad.)”

“They have a lot of energy, and we can’t wait to see just how they plan to use it.”

“They are always a challenge. Who can resist a challenge?”

“They keep us on our toes and make us less selfish. They won’t put up with it.”

“They are our little “projects” to nurture and change, but if they do, we eventually dump them for another bad boy! (Challenge to see if they can make us a wuss and destroy our manhood, and toss us if they succeed! Diabolical!)”

“They have devilishly playful personalities and a twinkle in their eyes. We never know what they’re really thinking.”

What do these things tell you? Do you see any mention of a woman wanting a criminal, a loser, a bum, an abuser, a parasite, or a predator? No, you don’t.

So what DO you see?

You see attributes of a NAUGHTY BOY! A guy who is self-confident, self-respectful, self-directed, marches to the beat of his own drum, and isn’t caught up in being prim, proper, and polite at all times. BUT…

This must be kept in context! The context of these statements is concerning what a woman finds fun and exciting in, predominately in her DATING life! The rules are different when you are in a committed, long-term relationship, married or not, but especially when the two of you are sharing a mortgage, kids, etc., or can you see that?

Total unpredictability is fun and exciting for a woman to see in a man on the street, or in one she’s having a “fling” with, but in a long-term relationship, unpredictability must be balanced with responsibility, usually fatherhood, and a lot of other things. Your wife enjoys not knowing what you are going to do next insomuch that it entertains her, not that it scares the living hell out of her.

Hence, coming home and announcing that you’re taking her on a surprise picnic or day trip that the family can afford or have taken on a new, non-life-threatening hobby tickles her to death, where coming home and announcing that you quit your job for no apparent reason or have decided to leave and go to Japan to study nin jitsu so you can enter a career as a bodyguard or something equally outlandish is not going to go over well at all. Indeed, you’ll be lucky if you live through it with your marriage and dignity intact.

It’s a difficult balance, much more difficult than in the dating world. In the dating world, a “rebel without a clue” can go for years, bouncing from woman to woman and never allowing any of them to get close enough to see what a loser he really is and have all kinds of fun, but when you live with her, it’s another story entirely. One of the keys to success is to remember that when a woman is single, she only sees a “bad boy” infrequently, and spends the rest of her time dreaming about it. What does this tell you?

That you need to engage in this naughty boy behavior erratically, not all the time. Turning it on and off so that you can still competently fulfill the role of breadwinner (whether solo or with your partner), husband, father, homeowner, groundskeeper, investor, etc., is not only important, it makes it more effective, because it provides both contrast and the opportunity for her to see you doing other very attractive things, like being a confident and competent leader, craftsman, protector, and whatever else you can be confident and competent doing.

It’s about shaking her up a bit to break the boredom, not taking on a full-time role.

It’s about shocking the mortal life out of her once in awhile, but doing so in a non-threatening manner.

It’s about creating tension by jumping back and forth from fun to serious and back.

Yeah, it’s about a lot of things, but being a true “bad boy” who is mean-spirited, abusive, parasitic and/or predatory is not among them.

It’s a tough act to put on, but there’s no reason at all for it to be an act, because being a guy who does these things naturally is quite easy and fun! Most of it requires nothing more than shedding all your New Age, politically correct programming and simply getting back to being a man, a manly man who does manly things and leaves the girly things to the girls. There’s one secret ingredient that takes that dating version of the naughty boy to a new level, the level where a life-long relationship can be sustained…

SELF-RESPECT! Somebody like Johnny Knoxville, star of that idiotic show “Jackass,” who would sit on a display toilet in the middle of a hardware store sales floor and take a crap just for shock value might be a riot in the dating world, but few women would accept such behavior from her husband, nor from any man they were sizing up for his potential to be a husband and father of her children. Self-respect makes the difference in having the right kind of attention without desiring any attention at all and getting all the attention you can, even if it’s the wrong kind.

That balancing point you’re looking for is between being responsible and being fun. Predictable is boring, but you must be predictable to the extent that you will be responsible as a husband (and father if appropriate). Aside from those serious issues being addressed responsibly, having fun with everything else is your option and at your discretion. That’s where you can shake things up without tearing things up. You follow?

Being that guy who holds her trust yet is free-spirited enough to also hold her attention also requires knowing your partner more intimately than you ever thought possible, but that’s easy too, once you learn how she communicates and how to communicate with her and simply pay attention for a while. Sounds like a pretty tall order, doesn’t it?

Well, it’s not, at least not of you read and apply "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," my 118-page (single-spaced type, unlike most, who double- and even tripe-space e-books and online reports to make them look longer!) seminar-in-a-book that teaches you everything mentioned here and more, in great detail, after having tested and proven it in the relationships of literally hundreds of couples coached and surveyed.

It’s time to make a choice. Do you want your life and relationship to just continue on the way it is now, or do you want to be the only guy you know who really knows what makes women tick, knows what they want, and can turn them on and off at will? That’s a pretty easy decision, isn’t it? So make it, right now, and then go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/, download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and follow through. It’s really just that easy.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Missed Signals Can Be the Death of a Relationship or Marriage

Women will go to extraordinary lengths to tell us and show us what they want. And often that is the problem; because of their communications skills and habits, they start with the extraordinary instead of the simple, and it usually goes right over our heads. What you miss could make a lot more than a difference; it could make for a break-up or divorce. What are YOU missing?

A quick, fun note before we begin: the latest bona fide sex survey is out, the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, and I’ve posted links to both analysis of the results and the original reports if you want to read them. I found some really interesting surprises in it, including hard evidence of common sex drive in adults over age 70 (wait until you see how many of them admit to “self-pleasuring,” and then remember that we’re talking about people over 70 who may have been too embarrassed to admit it, even anonymously).

I also noticed hard evidence that men are not in tune with their women’s needs because considerably more men than women achieve orgasm during sex, yet that same percentage of men think that their partners achieve orgasm with them. So unfortunately, the stereotype is true. You can read the whole thing at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, and I really suggest you do, because you can never know too much about your partners sexual needs.

Getting to today’s lesson, I am proud and pleased to say that a lot of my readers have become personal friends, and that many of my best students and greatest success stories still keep in touch, having mastered the wonderful world of women and relationships, they write with things for me to share with the rest of you to help you, and it’s always interesting when they do.

The following letter is from one of my best friends, who was one of the first winners of the “King Arthur and the Witch” contest I run every year and is a Jedi master among masters. He manages a convenience store, which is a veritable circus of human behavior and a laboratory as well. He points out some things that no man can afford to not know, so give him your undivided attention for a couple of minutes:

An interesting scene played out at the store on Sunday, and I thought would be helpful to some folks who haven't had the sense to buy your book yet.

I've told you before about this lady who comes in, with the Princess necklace because that's how her husband treats her. She came in Sunday morning with her husband and I couldn't help getting the feeling she had him there for one reason and one reason only: to show him how she wanted him to interact with her. From her body language towards me and to him, you would think even a modicum of insight would provide some clues. He missed them all, poor sap.

As soon as they came to the counter, she leans in toward me, away from him, and begins the teasing. We go back and forth, and I try to include him but it goes over his head. He stands to her side but behind her, and the one time she asks him if he wants something, she leans away from him to ask the question, and when he declines, she leans back toward me again and keeps going.

This whole time, his body language is subservient to her. His responses are to gain her approval and while it's obvious he thinks it's all fun and games, he has no clue that she is trying to get him to see, through a vivid, in-your-face example, what she enjoys in interacting with a man and wishes him to do more of.

It begs the question of how often men who may be getting angry, frustrated, or outright fed up with their wives’ and lovers’ flirty behavior are missing the point, and how many of them do miss it often. Of course some women are that mean, as you've made clear in those who destroyed their husbands as a game of guilt and boredom in their relationship. However, might not a frustrated woman, who still loves her man, feel forced to act out in non-threatening ways, to try to show him what she wants to see more of in him?

And when she has the integrity to do it in front of him to demonstrate, instead of doing it behind his back as an adulterous coward, does he not owe it to her to pay attention? Maybe he doesn’t have that kind of behavior in him, unlikely as that may be, but she’s communicating with HIM, not her girlfriends, not an adulterous lover, exactly what she wants and needs. Men have been begging women to do that since the dawn of time, have they not? Yet when they get it, they don’t embrace it. They call their wives teases and harlots, and rail against their disrespect.

And when the hints, the dropped clues, and questions produce no results, in what other ways can she be more aggressive with her pleas? Considering that I see anywhere from 150 to 200 women a day, I see things daily most men would have no clue of in a lifetime. I see how they act when their man is around and when he isn't. I watch as they attempt to give clues, drop hints, and as in this case, have a teachable moment.

The most telling hint was that on first arriving, she and I both tried to include him. When that wasn't working, she got more obvious, and by the time they left, she was in charge and wishing she wasn't. It took a while but I finally understood that her teasing about how special he treated her was an admission on her part that she likes it, loves him, but wishes he knew how to ramp that up with teasing and play. She enjoys aspects of the pedestal as long as it means it's a part of being appreciated as a woman, not a place to live.

A good analogy would be the commercial where the little girl is trying to ride a bike in a small square barely big enough for the bike. She understands that she can't enjoy the bike unless she gets to explore all over with it or enjoy the extended freedom it gives her. If you view a woman as being on a pedestal, she feels the restrictions, the pressure to conform to that small definition of what she is supposed to be.

She cannot enjoy the extended freedom a relationship should give her. She can never relax and enjoy it, herself, or her man. She can never be herself in every aspect as a woman. She can never truly be herself and let loose and be free in the moment to live life together with her man as she craves to do.

So just how many "plays" have we missed, how many restrictions on her does she feel from you while you're trying to get her to fit your definition of what a woman should be? Instead of trying to understand her, you worry more about why she doesn't understand you. If you feel the bite of being restricted and can't "just be yourself," how do you think she feels? Are her bites at you really bites about how you are treating her? Are they really about the pressures and restrictions she feels from you?

Instead of feeling pressured to be something you're not, it's time to man up and see that she wants you to be the man she sees you capable of being, so she can be the woman she's capable of being. She can't relax and be who she wants to be for you until you are the man she can trust to let go with. She wouldn't be with you unless she saw those traits in you in the first place. What have you done to prove it lately?

Just some random thoughts for the day...

David


What did you get from that? There was certainly enough to get. If nothing else, you should have seen two things: that women are subtle, not blunt, and that they do try to communicate their needs and desires. But unless it’s blunt or I’ve trained you, chances are it’s going to zing right over your head and be gone. She doesn’t know that. Women really don’t know that we communicate so differently, and have a hard time accepting that we can’t read four paragraphs into the single gesture of a toss of the head, leaning toward or away, a roll of the eyes, or a touch of any part of their body against any part of ours.

They don’t know that we don’t have the receptors for body language and other unspoken communication that they are born with. They don’t know that we don’t see the questions behind their statements and the statements behind their questions. Consequently, they think that we’re either daft or ignoring them. Bad either way, huh?

We don’t have the physical infrastructure to ever be able to communicate with a woman as women do. Our body chemistry during childhood makes it impossible for our brains to develop in such a way as to be similar enough to theirs to do so. Hard fact, not opinion; the effect of testosterone and estrogen on the brain between birth and age 6 is well documented, as are the changes we see at puberty. BUT, we can get a whole lot closer than we are, and if we talk about this with them, and tell them that we are trying to meet them somewhere in the middle and it would help if they would try to be a little more blunt with us when they thought of it and not be angry when we didn’t pick up on something and just realize that we missed it rather than ignoring it, they gladly try to meet us in the middle too.

Are you ready for the fun part? I’ll guarantee you that if you can remember and use just three simple rules and talk openly with your wife and other women about that main difference, that we are blunt while they are subtle, your communications problems, and all the eye-rolling and other dirty looks you get when you miss your cue, will be eliminated.

What are these three simple rules? Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and find out. I’ll bet you’ll find them worth a king’s ransom or more. They will help you to answer that eternal question: “What does a woman want?” Sigmund Freud, the renowned psychiatrist and psychologist is famous for admitting that he didn’t know. But you can, and you will, if you stop sitting there wondering if this will work for you and just do it.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Know What She REALLY Means, or Lose Your Relationship or Marriage

Keeping attraction alive in a relationship is crucial, as is solid compatibility, but there is another crucial element that can chip away at it or explode it in a cold minute: communication. You don’t have to read her mind, but you do have to know what’s on it when she speaks. Can you?

As you can imagine, I get a lot of e-mail every day, including a lot of strange news, jokes, and cartoons from friends and readers who share my love of comedy and the “truth is stranger than fiction” examples found in the world. Wait until you see this one!

The following is a real classified ad in a newspaper offering a motorcycle for sale:

$10,000
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801) 555-5555


I’ve changed his phone number to protect his identity since the ad has expired. Now, would you have bought the motorcycle? Not me!

I know that anytime the word “whatever” comes out of a woman’s mouth, I need to pay close attention to the context. Why?

As you will note in my free “Break-Up Busting 101” report, while “whatever” generally means “anything you want is fine with me” to us men, to women it rarely has a positive connotation unless they have a sincere smile on their face. Observe some definitions provided by female readers and test group members:

1. Screw you!
2. Screw you and die!
3. Go screw yourself and die the Death of 1,000 Cuts!
4. Screw you, and you will be dying, slowly, painfully, and without even knowing it, just as soon as I figure out how I’m going to torture you to death.
5. I’m done, you lose.
6. Go ahead, smart ass, and whatever happens next, you have it coming.

Obviously there will be a few times when “whatever” is benign when spoken by a woman, but as I said, unless there is a genuine smile on her face, beware. Steve was apparently a world class bone-head, because even without the 90% of his wife’s communication that was non-verbal, you can still see and feel the anger in her statement, "do whatever the f*** you want." You can almost smell the threat of punishment in that, can’t you?

If not, there are several things you need to do immediately. The first is to download that free report I just mentioned and see where else you’re setting yourself up for trouble, or worse, a break-up, and see what you need to do to reverse that trend before it gets out of hand. There is a lot of good information in that report, and there’s more than one author in this industry angry at me for giving it away. They think it’s too much to give away. Maybe it is. I don’t know and frankly don’t care. My purpose is to get you on the road to correction fast and to prove to you that I can help. The same goes for another free report, called “What Women REALLY Want.”

Another outstanding resource you should tap is our forum, at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, where you can see people solving problems and historical cases of those already solved. There are also women at our forum how enjoy helping men “get it” instead of rolling their eyes, tossing their head and leaving the room. Many of them are learning quite a bit about the male side of the equation, too, so no matter who you are, there is something for you to learn and friends to make there.

The biggest and yet possibly the easiest thing you need to do is go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download my e-book, "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and get all the details on how to evaluate your relationship properly (women do this constantly, and you’d better be doing it at least periodically, or you’ll pay dearly), what women really want from us, how they think and why, and how use what you know about them to make everybody’s life fun, exciting, rewarding, and sexy, instead of boring, frustrating, scary, and celibate.

Those who are doing it are stopping divorces and making their relationships better than they’ve ever been, or realizing that they never should have come together in the first place and moving on peacefully and with dignity, some already to the best relationships of their lives. Join them, now, while you have room to maneuver and life and energy left to enjoy. Life doesn’t wait for you; you live it while you have it or you lose it forever. ‘Nuff said.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, October 04, 2010

Why Do We Suck Up When It Destroys Our Lives, Not to Mention Our Relationship and Marriage

Why do people, both men and women, suck up, kiss butt, etc., to get what they want? Women will divorce men for sucking up as surely as if they had an affair! What does it say about you if you’re doing it, with the opposite sex and in other areas of your life? It’s bad, no matter what you think it gets you. Read on…

I got some rather colorful comments on a recent post about women being disgusted by men who allow themselves to be trod upon, and there was recently a discussion thread on our forum,
http://forum.makingherhappy.com, posted by a woman who was at the end of her rope with her husband doing suck-up things like deferring to her on every decision, so let’s talk about this common mistake that most people make far too often, frequently without realizing it: ass-kissing. Yes, that’s pretty much aggressively seeking to be trod upon, isn’t it? LOL!

Oh, you never did it, huh? Never once in your entire life laughed at a bad joke to keep the boss happy, never once fawned over a woman hoping to get to first base and beyond, never said, “Yes, sir,” to a cop and then cursed at him under your breath as he walked away?

Okay, have it your way. Denial fixes everything, right? Get a clue. For the rest of us who embrace reality, it makes us feel like crap if we do it and it’s a particularly embarrassing and wholly unattractive spectacle to witness. More importantly, there’s little a mentally and emotionally healthy woman hates any more than to have a man sucking up to her; unless she’s a parasite, predator, or horribly damaged and insecure, such as a woman with abandonment issues, she wants no part of it.

So why do we do it? And more importantly, why and how should we STOP DOING IT?

At first glance, one might think that it’s caused by fear of punishment, but for some reason, it’s only punishment that entails loss of something. Admit it, if your boss punched you in the mouth you’d punch him back, but if he threatened to fire you if you didn’t do something he asked, (yes, I said “he,” because most women are security-minded and diplomatic, and therefore would not make such a threat in the workplace, not because women can’t be the supervisor in the workplace) you’d at least consider doing what he was wanting. But…

Back in your single days, if you were a little more secure and happy-go-lucky because you still had your whole life ahead of you, if a woman threw a drink in your face, you might just throw one back, or laugh it off, but today if she starts acting like you might fall out of favor, you start sucking up. It’s a fear of losing something that you think would be hard or impossible to replace. How is this relevant to being attractive to the woman you love (or any other woman for that matter)?

How do you think it makes her feel when you kiss her behind? First, it shows weakness, and women really hate that. It’s also boring, because most men do it, so it’s also commonplace and therefore even more boring, and they really hate the idea of getting stuck for the long haul with a boring, weak guy. Then it starts getting really bad…

In “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” we discuss how women are constantly testing and reevaluating everything around them, consciously and subconsciously. What kind of thoughts do you think that acting weak and boring can inspire in your partner?

How about that since you’re afraid of losing her because you couldn’t replace her, that you might be right and nobody else would have you?

That makes you the bottom of the barrel, doesn’t it? Ouch!

And now she’s settled for the bottom of the barrel, right? Double ouch!

Well, yes, because like it or not, it’s all about her, not you. Yes, really! And she’s naturally competitive, so you don’t want to be bottom-shelf goods in what F.J. Shark calls “the social marketplace.” What he refers to as “social proof” – being desirable enough for other women to pay attention to you too – is important. So how many tests do you think you’re actually passing while acting like a wuss? How good do you think you’re making her feel about having you around? At the end of her day with you, do you think she’s feeling attraction, and even arousal, or aggravation, and the distinct feeling that she should have chosen “the other guy” because the choice she made ended up being a boring wuss?

Show me a woman who really wants a sniveling ass-kisser under her thumb and I’ll show you a woman who most likely has some severe self-esteem issues and is looking to punish men, probably after being traumatized by one or more of them. They don’t want us terrorizing, bullying, or abusing them with verbal or physical aggression, but they don’t want us acting like a whiney little wuss, either. What women want lies between those two extremes…

They want to be able to respect us, because that’s part of what creates and sustains attraction and all those wonderful feelings they have when attraction commences, and we have to act respectable for them to do that. We have to act like leaders, not suck-ups. What gets in the way of that? Go back to fear of loss for a minute…

I’ve heard this fear of loss referred to as a “scarcity mentality” (an attitude of “I must protect what I have because I’ll never be able to replace it” as opposed to an attitude of “I can earn or create whatever I want”), and it’s a dangerous trap to fall into. Indeed, it can kill relationships, careers, even lives. How and why?

When you don’t feel worthy of a job, a woman’s attention, etc., it makes you question how you would replace it, instead of whether the employer or the woman is worthy of your presence, commitment, attention, effort, etc. This kills any self-esteem you may have, because it forces you to fear the loss of whatever benefit that job, partner, situation, or whatever provides you. Fear, not hatred, is the most mentally and physically destructive of all emotions, and I hope it’s obvious to you why. If not, hit Google with a question like “how does fear affect the human body” and read the results.

It’s truly devastating, even when it’s only subconscious. There is a recognized medical condition, called “apoplexy,” which is defined as a physical state of having worried until one becomes physically ill. It upsets natural chemical balances so severely that it can kill you.

Why put yourself through that?

BE worthy of whatever you want in life! Do your job to the best of your ability, and get paid for it. If your employer can’t pay what you’re worth, for whatever reason, find a new employer. Pay your employees well for the work they do. If they don’t do enough to earn the check, don’t worry about how you’ll replace them, but replace them.

Closer to home, BE the best partner you can be to your wife or girlfriend (or husband or boyfriend for you ladies – the door swings both ways on this issue!); if they don’t appreciate it enough or care enough about themselves or you to be the best they can be, fire them, too! Life is too short to spend it being less than you can be or with someone less than you deserve.

When you know that you are doing your best and worthy of whatever it takes to hold your attention and loyalty, you’ll walk into a room like you own it, and consequently the women there, especially the one you love, will want you because of it, and if you treat them with respect while leading them through life, you’ll have them for life, because no woman will risk losing the feeling of attraction, of being swept off her feet, that such behavior is always going to create. (There are times when women will push you to exhibit that behavior if you don’t do it on your own, but that’s another newsletter!)

Face it. If you didn’t either have problems or want to avoid problems, you wouldn’t be reading this newsletter. Everything you need to know to become a functional expert on your own relationships is in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and you’ve got two choices:

You can do what losers do and keep doing what you’re doing, or you can go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and do yourself and your partner (present or future) a huge favor by downloading your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," because life really is too short to live it in fear of losing what’s important to you.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, October 03, 2010

Be As You Wish to Seem for the Best Relationship or Marriage You Can Have

As we see in this woman’s letter, just looking the part doesn’t get the job of creating attraction done, even when it’s somebody famous. You have to BE attractive, not just put on the act of being attractive.

It’s time to talk about the appearance and effects of wussitude again. Strap yourself in, and by the way, congratulations are in order.

I wrote once about the first episodes of “Gene Simmons’s Family Jewels,” wherein the rock idle was on television basically having handed his pants and his testicles to his wife and spent episode after episode letting her wipe her feet on him like a doormat, but I’ve heard recently that he’s corrected that and taken a pretty serious stand on some other things, so I’m going to drop that discussion in favor of something newer, because I don’t want anyone getting the idea that I’m saying the problem still exists. Credit must be given where credit is due, and I’m happy for him.

However, this woman, who also tries to give credit where credit is due, is not happy, and I can most definitely see why:

Hello, David,

I really need for you to talk to my husband. He has a bad case of “nice guy” and drives me up the wall deferring all decisions to me, following me around the house, etc., just as you write frequently about. He has been reading a lot of dating self-help material and he is misconstruing most of what he is reading. I give him credit and love him to death for trying, but if someone cannot get him to see what he is doing soon I will surely choke the life out of him.

He explains all these things to me as he reads them, and sounds as if he has spoken with an old man in a diaper and turban atop a high mountain with stars in his eyes, as if he has found some great truth. He read about leadership, and about scarcity, and how they relate to attraction, and decided that he would be more attractive to me if he spent two nights out each week throwing darts with friends, because he is good at it and can help the younger men. But I am not to go with him to see the spectacle of his leadership so that there will be scarcity. I told him it does not work that way, and he told me I would have to trust him because his mentors know what they are talking about.

He does not like being away from me, and he does not like being in bars. He likes to go to bed early and he is allergic to tobacco smoke. So he thinks he is doing all this for me, and I don’t want him to do it and I know he doesn’t want to do it either, plus it is the wrong thing for him to do for our marriage and still does not see that dumping all decisions in my lap and being underfoot all the time is the real problem. Is there anything you can tell me to help me convince him?

Thank you so much,
Charlotte


Charlotte and her husband do indeed have a problem. This is the one time when he SHOULD be deferring to her, or at least listening to her, because he really has it wrong.

Socrates said, “BE as you wish to seem.” And with good reason; a LOT of stress is created when you try to act as something or someone you are not. Stress doesn't help problems; it amplifies them. Charlotte’s husband is making the classic mistake of trying to look like something he’s not, and it’s apparently going to be a big surprise to him when she blows her stack because he’s going to be doing something he doesn’t like and expecting her to enjoy it.

Good marriages are not built on compromise and sacrifice. They are built on compatibility and cooperation. Attraction and adventure are the spice that keeps them fresh. These are not things you can fake, and if you don’t have them between you, disaster is the only possible outcome. There will be disappointment and frustration as your competition grows and compromises wear you down, as giving in and especially trying to be or enjoy things that you aren’t and don’t create expectations that cannot be met, causing resentment.

We’re having a discussion in one of the many threads on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, about this, comparing nice guys to narcissists, because they both tend to be angry and abusive when things don’t go their way. The question of whether nice guys were closet narcissists was asked, and while they’re not (because the narcissist’s entitlement mentality is pathological while the nice guy has made an effort to be liked and resents what he feels he is owed because of his efforts not being put up), it’s still fascinating to see how closely these two people, seemingly at opposite ends of the spectrum, have in common.

You should definitely join us for these and other discussions. None of us are born understanding the gender opposite, or anything else, for that matter, and we go to school to learn everything that is important to us and then spend a lifetime in on-the-job training building upon that basic education, but while you know that you can’t do integral calculus without first learning simple mathematical principles, everyone seems to think that just jumping right into relationships without any preparation is going to bring success. It isn’t. Even if you’re very, very lucky, you’re still going to have to learn some very important and not-so-obvious fundamental facts and truths before you have a chance. Our forum is a good place to do your advanced study, but how do you get that basic core of fundamental knowledge to build upon?

Easy! Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and read it, learn what you need to know, follow the few very simple instructions, and watch what happens as your understanding and awareness grow. Then enjoy being one of us very few men who really know what women want, especially our own partner, the one that matters most, and enjoy your new life!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham