Saturday, October 02, 2010

Turning Back the Clock to Better Days, a HUGE Boost to Your Relationship and Marriage

Familiarity may eventually breed contempt, but in the nearer term, it’s going to breed boredom as couples fall into a rut. Here’s a great way to get out of it…

Did you ever wish you could turn back the clock, back to a time when your relationship was fun and exciting? When laughing, naughty play, and earth-shaking physical encounters were not a matter of “if,” but of “WHEN”? Think about what brought you to the point of making that wish, and you’ll quickly see why I tell you that you can turn back the clock in an instant.

What did you do when you were in high school, hormones raging, not having yet learned that rejection happens more often than not, not having grown too accustomed to seeing your wife in a baggy robe or sweat suit with hair and make-up unattended, not yet beaten down by a job you don’t like, kids screaming in the middle of the night, etc.?

Or if it wasn’t you that did what I’m about to talk about because you were already too timid and insecure to score a great date on the weekend, do you remember what the other guys did, the ones who did enjoy that success and bragged about it every Monday morning when everybody returned to class to either tell of high adventure on date night or lament having spent another weekend playing video games?

Regardless of which side of the fence you were on, it’s time to go back to high school, and if you did it wrong before, it’s time to do it right. It’s all in the naughty play, projecting the attitude that you’re all about the fun, not about needing sex or approval. It’s about having adventures, like sneaking away to a seedy hotel, or making out in the back seat of your car. It’s about surprise picnics that lead to sneaky sex in the woods, covert caresses when the kids (or the other people in the grocery store) aren’t looking.

In short, it’s about doing all those things that you did when your relationship was fresh, new, exciting, and hotter than a freshly fornicated fox in a forest fire, or learning how to just do all those things you wanted to do then instead of being afraid of rejection. It’s not so hard as you’re thinking…

Women live in a state of needing a higher level of emotional energy going at any given time than we men need. Hence, they delight in anything that gets it going, especially having a man genuinely enjoying having fun with them – WITH THEM, mind you, NOT AT THEIR EXPENSE. Both positive and negative emotion will work, and you have the opportunity to make it positive before she takes matters into her own hands and starts a fight to blow off some steam.

Yes, they do that, and the reason is perfectly simple: It’s far easier and faster for her to create negative energy than positive. Something positive takes time, cooperation, and/or planning, where negative simply takes a choice to take something the wrong way, or get mad about something benign. And you get to decide which it’s going to be if you’re on your toes.

So when you see her bent over picking something up, don’t just stare at her butt and wish you could squeeze it, SQUEEZE IT! Or sneak up behind her and tickle her, or tug the waistband of her undies if it’s showing. Just get a rise out of her, preferably with something both fun and sexy, but at least something fun and playful. Get back in touch with that fearless, hormonally-driven teenager that you used to be, and do those things that you either did with impunity or that you wished you could do like the “popular guys” did. Why do you think they were so popular in the first place? Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t their looks! It was their fun-loving, confident attitude.

If you find yourself having covert interludes outside your house, don’t just do it and go home, celebrate it. Mark the spot as a favorite in your car’s navigation system (Garmin, TomTom, etc.), or keep a “covert mission log” together. Start a collection of tokens taken from this places of venture – a blade of grass, a piece of tree bark or a stone, a lid from a disposable drinking cup or bottle cap that held a celebratory drink afterward. Just anything she can tie the memory to and put in her treasure box. Giving her something to remind her of all the fun that you have will stir up more longing for fun and avoid both the doldrums and the inexplicable explosion that ultimately comes when she gets bored, not to mention the affairs and other problems that will happen if the boredom goes on too long.

You can really get creative with that covert mission log, too. To create an extra adventure, find some way to record the position in terms of latitude and longitude (a GPS or Sat-Nav device is extremely handy for this) on a slip of paper with nothing else, and have your wife store the slips in her treasure box. Sometime in the future, have her extract one of these slips of paper from her treasure box, at random and use the latitude and longitude to try to find the spot. If you can find it within an hour or two, have a repeat performance to celebrate. Geocaching? Hah! And after all, it must be a good spot since it worked the first time! ;-)

I’m thinking about having a contest. The contest is I start a thread on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, in which everyone who cares to participate lists the most outrageous places they have ever had adventure nookie. No lewd descriptions of the nookie itself, just the place, and any remarks about how your spouse responded, i.e., “in the walk-in cooler at my dad’s restaurant after closing, and my wife is still talking about how fun it was ten years later.” Stuff like that. The prize would be a copy of my book. If interested, e-mail me at forum@makingherhappy.com and if there’s sufficient interest, I’ll set it up and we’ll do it.

This isn’t rocket science, gentlemen. It’s simply the result of knowing what women want and need, especially that part that is different from us, but yet not in conflict with us. It’s the result of knowing that women crave having us act like men instead of scared little boys or couch potatoes who revel in being born with two hands so that we can operate a remote control and a beer can at the same time. It’s the result of knowing what a man is, and what is natural for him to feel, and that it’s usually not just okay, but highly desirable, for him to act upon those feelings in all but extreme cases.

How do you learn all that? Easy! Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and spend a few hours reading the wisdom of the ages, that which women have proven that they want you to know most, and then the rest of your life being a man, a real man, sought after by women and loved, adored and nurtured by his wife.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, October 01, 2010

Wusses Are Boring and Non-Wusses Are Mean? Untangling Conflicting Signals in Relationships and Marriage

The Great Female Contradiction (being a wuss is boring, but being a non-wuss is mean), and how to deal with it to have a happy relationship and marriage.

It’s always an interesting morning when the “mailbag” (my e-mail inbox) contains several concerns over accusations of sounding “mean.” This is a point that every man and woman who is going through a relationship makeover needs to understand. It’s covered in detail in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” but I’m going to give you a crash course this morning so you’ll know what it’s about and that it can be handled without bloodshed and is actually an incredibly good sign that you are doing the right things and your efforts are paying off.

Meet Scott D., who seems to do the best job of succinctly stating the problem:

Hi David,

I bought your book and signed up for your newsletters almost a month ago, and I must tell you that I am pretty impressed with both the writing and the results I am seeing. I am not accustomed to someone writing to me in the same style and tone as if we were just sitting and talking, and it has made it both an enjoyable read (my wife calls you “her favorite smart-ass”) and a huge help in recognizing past mistakes and correcting them. The change in my wife is noticeable. As I get more ballsy and playful, she gets more sexy and playful. But, there is something I have to ask you about.

Sometimes when she is “being a brat” (I would have never thought of her pouty, whining, demanding behavior that way before reading your book) and I bust on her to let her know that she needs to grow up and lighten up she says that I am “just mean.” She says it kind of sheepishly with a hint of both a pout and a smile, like she has been caught off-guard (or with her hand in the cookie jar) and a bit embarrassed, but I can not help but wonder if she is hinting at something that I am not picking up on and if I am setting myself up to be punished for something if I do not catch on soon, so I am asking you, straight up, what is going on? Please respond, because things are going so well that I would hate to blow it over missing a signal.

Take care, and thanks!
Scott D.

My reply:

Well, Scott, congratulations on taking control of your life and working for the results and the life you want! You’re not missing anything. You’ve caught her in a somewhat juvenile attention-getting ploy, and she’s a little embarrassed because she’s not used to you (or any man) “getting it” – knowing that she’s being a brat and not wussing out and surrendering control to her. It sometimes makes them a bit uncomfortable until they get used to the new, “alpha male” you. It’s no big deal, and don’t dwell on it and make it one. [She sees it, is surprised, tests to see if it’s real, finds out that it is, sexes up and lives happily ever after. One of my favorite stories.] And whatever you do, don’t “explain it to her.” That makes it seem like an act and steals the magic away.

We’re all a bit resistant to change, even when it’s for the better. She doesn’t want you to be a wuss, and she doesn’t want to be in total control (at least not if she’s not emotionally damaged from some prior trauma). Women want to know if we are real men, ready and able to lead and protect, or really are just wusses pretending to be real men until we have them hooked into some kind of complicated commitment like marriage or a mortgage. They’re not trying to take control, and not trying to make us wusses, but all the testing can eventually perpetuate the result she doesn’t want, because we can get either tired of the testing or insecure about it and wuss out if we don’t know what’s going on or aren’t pure in our desire to be a man and live happily as such.

This is really important for both sexes to understand, and I will probably die preaching this sermon. The tests make it look like they want us to wuss out, and since the testing stops when we finally do, it appears that we get rewarded with a discontinuation of the minor abuse that constitutes the test, so we somewhat logically but incorrectly deduce that we gave them what they wanted. It’s incorrect because we didn’t know some things that needed to go into the equation before logic could work, starting with “no woman wants to live with (again, unless she’s severely damaged) a wuss that gives into her every whim.”

In the end, years of testing and having you and other men wuss out on her have created a habit of feeling in control. She just needs to break the habit so she can fully enjoy the rush she gets from being attracted to you again. You will never, EVER chase a woman off by making her feel attraction, unless she’s so insecure or emotionally scarred that she equates attraction with abuse or some other trauma and runs from it.

While we are on the subject, if she hooked up with you while in this damaged state, there are several things you can be sure of: she was never attracted to you, doesn’t want to be attracted to you, was and is probably using you as a safe haven from men she would be attracted to, and most likely will run like hell if she starts feeling attraction for you. Logic leaves no alternatives. You can let her run, or try to hang with her while she fixes it; be advised that people who are damaged that badly seldom fix it, even with love and lots of therapy, so if you decide to hang with it, establish some sort of time table and performance criteria so that you don’t waste your whole life waiting for the impossible.

Take care,
David


Make no mistake, attraction is biological, not logical, so virtually all women seek it and respond to it. Indeed, a woman’s first criteria in evaluating a man is this rule: “If you can’t stand up TO me, you can’t stand up WITH me or FOR me;” ask the women on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/ if you think otherwise. But don’t sweat it. If you do what men are born to do, it happens quite naturally, and once it happens, many women will literally kill to protect that feeling, so you can imagine what an effect it has on a committed relationship, and how destructive its loss can be as well.

To know all you need to know about attraction, communication, compatibility, evaluation, and many other things that are crucial to a life-long happy relationship, go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” and see how you can kick your relationship up to notches unknown to humankind!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Can You Take a Hint? Learn to, NOW, If You Want to Have a Great Relationship and Marriage

It is a woman’s nature, due to the physical structure of her brain, to speak indirectly, often employing hints, signals, questions that are statements and vice versa, etc., that she has no idea that you can’t perceive and interpret. Do you have any idea what you’re missing? Or what she’s thinking because of it? It’s not a pretty picture, but you can easily improve it.

Gentlemen, I have a real treat for you today! A woman has written about the hints she dropped to her boyfriend to try to seduce him, and it’s an eyeful to say the least! Meet Evelyn:

Dear David,

I’ve read your book and I wish I had the money to buy your book for every man on the planet but I would have to read to them and no one has that much spare time. My god how hard can it really be to buy a book that tells you all you need to know about a woman and be able to understand how woman speak??? It’s not brain surgery we are looking for them to perform, it’s just simple everyday things we are looking for them to understand.

For example today I went over to my boyfriend’s to pick up something he had made for me. I wasn’t going over there with just sex on my mind but to be honest I was really wanting to spend some time with him and hoping for a good roll around the bed while I was there. I was not sure how good he was feeling so I was not going to ask him straight out if he wanted some. I would just feel it out and see how he was acting. As I walked in he was doing something and we talked for a little bit then I decided that before I left I was going to give it a try and see if he wanted to spend some time on the sofa or in the bed with me.

I started dropping hints talking about sexy things and even went as far as to stroke his crotch one time while I was looking into his eyes and grinned and winked at him. When that did not work I would rub against him and kind of purr at him lean in for a kiss just anything I could do to get him to touch me and look at me.

In the end I finally told him I was going out this weekend and he could not touch my breasts because I wanted them to sit up and look nice in this low cut shirt I was going to wear. I know how he hates it when I go out with the girls because yes we do drink and knowing I can not always handle my drinks like I should and that I sometimes get into trouble flirting after a few drinks. He looked at me and said “it’s time for you to get undressed.” Well you know what went on from there but my point is what else could I have done to get the same results without saying “let’s have sex” straight out? I have no problem doing that once in a while but a woman likes for a man to know what she wants by actions with her having to spell it out for him every time.

Thanks for your time,
Evelyn

My reply:

Hi Evelyn, and thanks for writing. I would have had to be there to see what happened to give you an accurate answer, because what you are describing can be taken more than one way, and his demeanor and body language would have provided details that you left out.

It could be that he’s really that daft, but I’d find it hard to accept that a man couldn’t take the hint of you stroking his crotch to know what you wanted. It could be that he was making you chase him to heighten your arousal, but a man in-the-know will try to make that more fun for you instead of frustrating. It could be that he was extremely busy but didn’t want to tell you that he didn’t have time for sex play at the moment because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings, and either recognized your “desperation” or got jealous when you spoke of going out with the girls. It’s hard to say without the facts.

There’s nothing wrong with just inviting him to the bedroom or starting to undress him, as long as you are sure of his mood and physical condition, and as long as you don’t do it so often that he feels no challenge; men get bored in the absence of challenge just as easily as women. I’d strongly suggest trying to talk with him about it, in an exploratory, not threatening, complaining, or accusatory tone, and find out if he was unaware of the hints, just trying to save your feelings, or whatever.

No matter what he says, as long as it’s the truth, the two of you can get things worked out if you’ll simply focus on the issues and not each other’s fault or blame. ALWAYS focus on issues, not people, when addressing problems. That’s how the problems get solved without the people getting angry.

I’d also suggest you mention that you have read my book and offer to let him read it because it would be the easiest way to bridge the communications gap the two of you appear to have, not to mention point out to him that if he’s going to tease you and hold out on you, it’s a lot more effective if he makes it fun instead of frustrating. He may well have been reading some relationship help material and picked up on the need to create a challenge for you but missed the part about making it fun.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David

Gentlemen, there are several things here for you to learn. The most obvious is that women do think about sex when we’re not around, and that they don’t like to just bluntly initiate their own seduction. That takes all the fun out of it for them because for them, sex is about anticipation, adventure, and contact; about getting to the orgasm, not the orgasm itself. It sounds odd to a man, but for the majority of women the majority of the time, the orgasm is simply the end of sex, not the purpose of it; it’s good, and lots of them are better, but it’s icing, not cake. It’s the intimacy, anticipation, tension, teasing, seduction, and to an immense degree, trust, that makes it work for them and that they yearn for.

They will drop hints because they want you to take the lead in the seduction process, playing, teasing, creating sexual tension to the point that they can’t hold back any longer and tear into you like they haven’t experienced an orgasm in twenty years. For them, it is that rush of anticipation and the intimacy and attention that follow that is their purpose for sex, and without that, they get bored to death.

Again, that’s not to say that they don’t enjoy the orgasm, or multiple orgasms. Being able to perform like that is important for too many reasons to get into in one newsletter, but at this moment we are speaking of priority, and for most women most of the time, the chase, anticipation, intimacy, etc., will be somewhat more important than orgasm (after all, most of them can give themselves orgasms that we can’t match, but just as it is for us, it’s “sterile,” as in “relief without gratification”) and spending more time with her in those things will benefit you in ways that you will have to see to believe. (But do keep in mind that there is a lot of evidence to suggest that if you can regularly bring a woman to orgasm, it will take some extraordinary problems to cause her to leave you, so no slacking in the bedroom! Like everything else in relationships, balance is required!)

I will go to my grave saying this: Emotionally and mentally healthy heterosexual women like men and like sex, a lot, some of them even more than men; they are physically able to enjoy a lot more of it than we are. But they are biologically wired to enjoy being led and to be aroused by alpha male behavior, and they need for you to take the lead in moving them from curiosity or mild arousal to that wild, uncontrollable state that gives them that “swept off their feet” feeling. You need to learn how to recognize the hints and signals that she is so inclined, and you need to know the behavior that causes her to direct that curiosity and attraction at you instead of letting her get bored and ultimately directing it at someone else.

What? Your wife would never do that? Don’t bet on it, because what you are wagering is literally your marriage and family life. Affairs and divorces can happen between two people who love each other deeply, and they do happen all too often. Love does not create the attraction and excitement that keeps you intimately involved, and defeats her worst enemy, literally a woman’s arch-nemesis: boredom. (And conversely, attraction without love won’t keep you together either; rather, it creates one of those relationships in which you have good sex but everything else sucks and you fight all the time because the compatibility isn’t there. It takes both.)

Quick review: Women deal with boredom the same way men deal with crisis; boredom appears on a woman’s emotional scale in the same spot as crisis on a man’s emotional scale. They will take desperate action if they have to, and if desperate enough, an involuntary survival mechanism kicks in and she literally cannot be held responsible for her actions. It’s not a moral or logical issue; it’s pure anatomy, physiology, and biology.

The good news – indeed, the GREAT news! – is that doing your job in the relationship and protecting her from boredom is one of the easiest and most natural things you will ever do, not to mention great fun! The biggest requirement is that you become a “real guy,” and shed all that ridiculous New Age and politically correct programming that we’ve been inundated with since the 1970’s. How hard can that be?

Quickly picking up your communications skills to a level much closer to hers is also easy. Very few of us will ever be on par with women as communicators because we don’t have the biological infrastructure to do so, but we can get close enough that they’ll meet us in the middle. Luckily, it’s one of those things where sheer awareness goes a very long way toward ensuring success, and it really doesn’t take that much effort once you know how everything works.

The bad news is that in order to be one of the very few guys who know, beyond any doubt, what women want, how to communicate effectively with them, and how to turn their sexual attraction to you on and off, you’re going to have to take a few hours out of your busy schedule of sitting on the couch channel surfing with a beer and read a book, 118 pages to be exact. And it’s going to cost you, too, a little less than dinner for two at a decent restaurant. That’s not so bad, is it? Think about it!

How many decades have you been telling yourself that “no man will ever know what women want” or that “communicating with a woman is a lost cause”? Even Sigmund Freud, the renowned psychologist, said, “The Great Question, which I have not answered, is ‘What does a woman want?’” Well, you can know, today, with just a few hours of reading. And I can prove it, because joining me on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, are other men whom I’ve taught and women who will vouch for us. Interested?

Yeah, I thought so. So click on over to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and get your copy of the book Evelyn mentioned, "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and become that guy you always wished you could be, that manly man who does manly things and who knows what women want, and what they are saying and even THINKING when they’re with you. It doesn’t get any easier or more affordable than this, so get moving! Never, EVER put off until tomorrow the success you can enjoy today!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Reader Responses to How Testing and Emotional Scales Affect Your Relationship or Marriage

The last couple of days’ lessons have brought some great comments from readers that you can learn from, so here they are!

We’re going to do something a little different today. Some of my best students have shared comments over the last few days that are insightful and pertinent, but wouldn’t provide sufficient content for a whole newsletter, so I’m going to put them together here for you so that you may share their insights and hopefully have something “click” that may not have occurred to you.

Regarding
a recent article on testing, the following paragraph was embedded in a status report from my top student:

“Great newsletter, by the way - if it isn't one of your ‘must read’ reprints, it should be! The whole subject of testing is so critical that it can't be talked about too much. The key, I think, is to get men beyond the recognition of it [we all recognize it, whether we name it or explain it properly or not], and get us to understand that women aren't to be BLAMED for it, just understood. It would get rid of a lot of anger, but deny comedians a ton of material!

“Of course, it wouldn't hurt women to learn a bit about men and stop BLAMING us for things, either. So much of the relationship advice is of the "what men do wrong" type that it leaves women thinking they have to change their husbands or leave them - no alternatives. What a huge disservice to the women that is, not to mention the men. One of my favorite quotes from you is that people need to be concerned about WHAT'S the issue, not WHO'S to blame. Huge.”


That is absolutely right. Blame is for losers; you NEVER see an achiever of either gender engaging in blame at any time. If you look at the people who are respected in the world on any level, they don’t try, they don’t blame, and they don’t wait. They DO. They simply see a problem, figure out what needs to be done, and get it done. The biggest favor you can do yourself in your entire life is to do the same thing, forget about trying, blaming, and waiting for others to act and take responsibility for what’s happening in your life. It’s only then that you can make it better. One of my favorite lines from a movie is when Yoda said to Luke Skywalker, “Do, or do not. There is no try.”

That doesn’t mean you should expect to do the impossible; a rational decision must be made about a solution before the solution is implemented. It means that once you’ve identified the problem, you take responsibility for whatever part of the outcome you can influence and you take appropriate action. For example:

You’re in a hypothetical marriage that started off too young and with the wrong person. The two of you have had a great sex life because there has been abundant attraction, but you’ve fought tooth and nail in all other aspects of your relationship because there is no real love, common values, common or shared goals and interests, etc., to give the rest of the relationship substance, and everything other than sex is a point of conflict. Your wife says she’s had enough and it’s time to move on. What do you do?

You take the only rational action available to you, and you take it quickly and fairly. You move on.

You don’t wait for things to get better, because compatibility problems don’t go away over time. You don’t make some heroic attempt to do the impossible, because it only causes more pain and resentment. You don’t blame her and go to war and punish her or allow her to punish you; it was a mutual mistake that requires cooperation to get out of without further pain and frustration, not to mention totally unnecessary escalated legal expenses. In a nutshell, you just do what must be done.

Second hypothetical situation: you’ve been married twenty years, your lives have revolved around your children, who left home a year or two ago, and the two of you have love, respect, trust, loyalty, and communicate better than most couples you know. But you’re not having fun. You’re in a rut of watching TV every night while you eat dinner, then the two of you go off to your computers to chat with friends or to other hobbies, and you go to bed without saying “good night” to the other whenever the mood to sleep strikes you. Your sex life amounts to one episode every month or two that can be described as “relief without gratification.” Your neighbor starts making advances toward you. What do you do?

Do you succumb to the temptation of the affair? No, because it’s a stupid move. Too easy for it to get out of control and get you caught. Any other affair has about the same probability of the same outcome. Behavior changes too much to go unnoticed.

Do you accept the realization that life could be more fun and hope that things get better? Also a stupid move. When was the last time you saw people ignoring their relationship problems and their problems just fixed themselves?

Do you blame your wife for the rut you’re in and wait for her to take the first action in making life fun again? Utterly ridiculous, given that it’s your job to lead the action because you’re wired to do it and she’s wired to respond to you doing it.

Do you just break it off and get a divorce because you can’t take the boredom anymore? Throwing away genuine love is the most foolish and destructive act a person can inflict upon oneself, except for suicide.

So in a nutshell, you have a whole lot of options, but only one good one: Recognize that you have a great foundation for a lasting relationship, but have indeed fallen in a rut. Take responsibility for the rut, find out what it takes to get out, and get out! You may have to “try” a few things to see what helps get out of the rut, but there’s a big difference between experimenting with potentially fun things to help your relationship and failing to commit to fixing the relationship and following through. If you’re attitude and conviction are where they are supposed to be, you’re “trying” activities and solutions, not “trying” to fix the relationship; you’re FIXING the relationship.

This excerpt is from another of my top students:

“Your newsletters and e-book have helped immensely. I saw that I was a wuss. I couldn’t and wouldn’t make choices for a fear of hurting someone’s feelings. Now I make choices or give options and if someone says ‘doesn’t matter,’ I make a choice and stand to it. I am still in the learning phase of reading my wife. She is a very independent woman and makes decisions without me. I have to learn how to deal with that. One of her hot buttons is the ‘making a decision’ button. I have learned that when she says ‘it doesn’t matter’, she is testing me and she wants to be led and she wants to follow.”

He’s noticed that some things are simply a matter of choice and attitude, like decision-making, while other require some study. He’s mastered the principles and is now methodically looking everywhere for new opportunities to apply what he knows. Ultimately, he realized that success, self-improvement, and great relationships are not destinations, but journeys that can last a lifetime and take you places that the rest of the world doesn’t even know exists.

From a new student who rapidly went to a seat in the front row of the class, in response to my remark that “I have looked extensively and intensely for a downside to attractive behavior, and have failed utterly to find one”:

“Abso-friggin'-lutely. And we seem to exude that simply by expressing more of what it means to be human; for example, expressing anger or disapproval quickly, but in a calm, controlled, constructive manner...setting boundaries...having self-respect, taking charge, leading, etc.”

I wish I had said that. Really. I’ve been trying to tell men for years, since long before I took up this project, that…

“…being human is something to which one should aspire, not something for which one should apologize…”

And that being an attractive male is all about doing those things that come naturally to men: leading, protecting, being deliberate and competent, not to mention confident, enjoying their life and being able to laugh at themselves and with everyone else, all with self-love and self-respect…

Yes, self-love is required! Those words cause altruists to cringe, but think back through your own life and identify even one person who was self-abusive that you wanted to be around, indeed, felt COMPELLED to be around (unless you were codependent, of course), and I’ll be thoroughly shocked, to say the least. That’s not to say that narcissism is an admirable trait, because it’s not; EXCESSIVE regard for anything is inherently unattractive, but a man must love himself enough to be able to respect himself before others can.

And one more quickie, because this newsletter is getting longer than some of you may have time to read, regarding the crying incident at the dinner party, after which I gave the crying woman a mug of hot chocolate after I…

“…shot some whipped cream on top of it and set it in front of the woman, who I knew to be a ‘chocoholic’ and very sensitive to the serotonin-boosting effects of the polyphenols in dark chocolate."

“Sir - you are a genius. Great newsletter, thanks.”

No, I’m not a genius. Come to think of it, I’m 38 IQ points above genius, regardless of what my typos may cause you to think. ;-) But what I described was not the result of genius, and you don’t have to be a genius, either. That was the result of being OBSERVANT, and taking action where action is prescribed. That is something ANY MAN CAN DO. When you know what a powerful comfort food chocolate is and that women respond simultaneously to the smell, taste, and feel of a mug of hot chocolate in addition to the powerful effect is has on the brain, being ready and able to quickly dispense some when there are women around is like keeping versatile tools like a hammer, flashlight, and screwdriver within easy reach in your home, something that every man does because it is his nature to make problems go away.

If you watch women, they have their tools, just like we do. They have things like their treasure box and chocolate to fight melancholia. They have gadgets for painting their faces and curling their hair and eyebrows, not to mention removing hair. They have tools like romance novels and chick-flicks to fight boredom and help them manage their hyperactive hormone pumps that can mess with their moods at inopportune times. They are masters of communication and social networking because they are driven to engage in it, and you’ll find they always have things like telephones, notepaper, stationery, and these days a notebook computer or Blackberry for e-mail, etc., within easy reach of them, no matter where they are. A good look into a woman’s “tool box” can teach you a lot about women, if you have the sense to raise the lid and look.

There’s more, and I may continue this tomorrow, but I’ve noticed that many of you say you read this newsletter during coffee breaks at work so I make it a point to keep it short enough to be read in five minutes but long enough to make sure you can really learn something that can help you each day.

There is one other thing I’d like to point out in closing, and that is that all of my top students have a common characteristic: They seek out solid information (like the pages upon pages of newsletters, coaching, and problem solving at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/) and they act on it when they find it. They try different information sources, but they don’t try to arbitrarily make improvements or mix and match methods; they recognize facts, truth, and what much be done, and just do it.

Plato said, “Fortune favors the bold,” speaking of men of action, but if you’re like me, you don’t put much stock in “fortune” anyway. However, history is another matter, and while history also favors the bold, it seems to favor most THE PREPARED. And it makes perfect sense: The prepared are those who can be the boldest with the greatest chance of success.

So what about you? Are you blaming somebody for your problems? Or waiting for them to just go away? Or waiting for somebody else to fix them? Taking responsibility sounds tough, but in fact it’s the easiest thing in the world to do, because all it takes is a simple choice to seek appropriate action and take it. The decision is most often harder than the action itself.

So go on and make a choice, right here, right now, to make your marriage or committed relationship better and keep it that way. There’s no sense taking a bad trip when you can have a grand adventure, is there? Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and then join us, the truly happy men of the world who know what men have always wanted and needed to know about women, and make your life one that you want to get out of bed every morning to live.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Understanding Our Emotional Scales: Another Key to a Great Relationship and Marriage

MUST READ: Men’s and Women’s emotional scales are calibrated very differently, and understanding how can literally make the difference in being happy and being divorced.

If you’ve been following me for long, you know how seldom I put the words “MUST READ” in a title or summary, and I promise it will be worth your time to read this time, too.

If I could teach everyone on Earth only one thing above all others to help them get along better, not just in intimate, committed relationships, but in ALL inter-gender relationships, it would be a hard choice between compatibility, our difference in communication skills and protocols, and the difference in the structure of our emotional scales. All are critical to getting along well, and if I had to choose one, I’d feel like I was being asked by King Solomon to cleave and split a child between three mothers, because the three are so indispensable; the absence of any of them spells disaster.

I discuss communication protocols and compatibility frequently, and today I want to focus on these emotional scales. One you your fellow readers, who is now a moderator on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, contacted me in crisis once and now has his situation under control, thanks mainly to the understanding of these two points. (His attraction skills were already fairly strong and needed only minimal improvement once he realized he had let them slide.) He agreed to allow me to share excerpts from our discussions to help explain both the concept and how important it is to any relationship.

Here’s an excerpt from one of his status reports:

“...It quickly rolled into the ‘emotional scale’ speech, which she seemed to really listen to - I think it's starting to sink in, and makes sense to her. Taking it slow has allowed her to process that and buy-in piece by piece. Honestly, David, if that were your sole contribution to the world, you should be famous for it. I'm not sure of its origins, but it's absolutely brilliant. Applies to all men and women, and the only trick to applying it is to understand that each woman has different levels of tolerance and varying coping abilities. I was able to give her an awesome example for evidence - a fight we had years ago - that also included a basic communication problem as well, and one where she's always ‘fought to win,’ [instead of ‘fighting to get what’s right’] and never admitted her role in the thing. Tonight, her silence told me she's seeing it, or admitting it to herself. There were a few instances of her processing those things and allowing that she was partially at fault. Big step for her lately - she used to do it, but hasn't at all lately.”

An excerpt from my response, just for clarity:

“As for the emotional scale thing, that was my own, something I've noticed in working with all these women. I looked for weeks on Google and everywhere else for any mention of it, and never found it.”

And here’s “the emotional scale speech,” as he called it, a suggestion I made to him for explaining to his wife why she had done some things that she was feeling very guilty for and why he had failed to recognize her problem and do something about it:

"I just read a thing about the difference between how men and women build, process, and prioritize emotions, and it sounded weird at first, but after looking back it makes a lot of sense. Our emotional scales are different, at least with regard to what we need to feel to be comfortable. My emotional scale or range runs from extreme negative to extreme positive, with neutral being in the middle of the scale.

“The female scale or range runs from neutral, or emotionless, to extremely emotionally charged, overwhelmed even, with little to no discrimination between positive and negative emotion. Both of us are most comfortable when we are just slightly 'to the right' of the middle of the scale, me feeling a little positive (too much positive makes a man irrational and silly) and you being just a little more emotionally charged than the center of your emotional range (too much emotion, positive or negative, with no way to vent it overloads you as well.)

“What's really interesting is that we act similar when we are at the same place on our scale. Being bored to you feels the same as being scared or angry feels to me: agitated, desperate, ready to do anything, even if it's wrong, to change the situation, and potentially irrational. We’re both very comfortable just a little to the opposite side of the center of the scale, and at the far right, we get irrational, overwhelmed, and don't know what to do next, and have a strong tendency to do the wrong thing because our inhibitions and discipline go right out the window.

“One of the points it brought out of that is that men are naturally a bit comfortable with emotional neutrality, at least for a short time, while it is downright torturous for a woman. I never realized it was such an issue until I read that, and now that I know, I'll never let a woman be bored in my presence again, because I won't see someone tortured like that."


A couple of weeks passed after that discussion, and it apparently really produced understanding, some forgiveness, and cooperation where none was possible before. His last comment follows:

“You've really, really got to get that ‘emotional scale’ idea out there - everyone will steal it, but if you put some marketing behind it, you can retain credit as the source. Maybe there's a visual you could create so it instantly made sense to those who see it.”

That’s quite an accolade, having a reader see something as so important as to want to protect the author’s ownership of a concept that he paid to learn. Think about that for a minute…it would take some pretty significant results to convert a “reader” into a “disciple” in any case, would it not?

By the way, the graphic is pretty easy (comfort zone is at the “+” symbol):




Learn this concept and keep it in the front of your mind at all times. Recognize when the women in your life are bored, and try to do something about it whenever and however it’s appropriate. You’ll find yourself attaining a sort of hero status among them, and triggering a lot of appreciation, cooperation, and nurturing. A coworker will watch your back and try to help you out, a friend will be more attentive and supportive, and your partner will reward you with the relationship of your dreams, as long as you don’t blow it by engaging in wussy, deceitful, or abusive behavior.

How do you do something about it? Sometimes a kind or funny word or two will do it, sometimes a smile, sometimes a surprise or even an adventure. It varies from woman to woman, mood to mood, and setting to setting, and there is no laundry list that will get you through. If you need a rule of thumb that will fit all situations, here it is:

“Attraction is any and every woman's ultimate salvation from boredom.”

There is nothing bad that can come from just being a confident, fun leader at any time and many great things that can come from it, so if you’re doing what you should be doing as a man, no woman will ever be able to be bored while you’re around. But your partner deserves more, right? She’s the one you share everything with, and the one you’re trying to fix things for so you can spend the rest of your life with her. For her, you must learn more about women: what they want, what makes them tick, how to listen to and understand them, how to speak to them, and what flips their attraction switches, among other things.

Are you a guy who likes a single source to fill in a whole lot of gaps? I certainly do; the older I get, the more I try to find ways of simplifying everything. If simplifying your life sounds good to you – and you won’t believe how much having a great relationship with your partner will simplify your life until you actually experience it – then you need to jump over to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and get up to speed, fast and easy, and start clearing some of the relationship clutter, nuisances, and even disasters out of your life.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, September 27, 2010

The Bottom Line on Testing and Why Being a Nice Guy Is Bad for Your Relationship or Marriage

It’s not such a big secret anymore that being a “nice guy” is bad for your relationship, and men are finally waking up to the fact that much of the bratty behavior they see from women is in fact nothing more than a “wuss test.” Here’s why, and a few other things you really ought to know…

During an interesting discussion with a new student, we got on the subject of women testing men’s level of wussitude and why being a nice guy doesn’t work for either of you, and since I’ve not spoken about it for awhile, I’d like to share briefly with you the high points of that conversation. Even if you think you already know all of this, read it anyway, because you can never tell when the spark of inspiration or revelation will light you up!

To get you newbies caught up, women often push bad positions in arguments, insist on unreasonable concessions, pout, pitch fits, and engage in a lot of other seemingly absurd behavior with a very logical and targeted purpose, and it’s not to get what they want. You heard me; it’s not to get what they want. It’s to get you to say, “NO.” Why?

It’s one of the elements of that “men are hunters, women are gatherers” thing that anthropologists talk about. I’ll spare you most of the boring details, but suffice it to say that as we evolved (and I’m talking about improving and becoming more sophisticated as humans, not about the age-old debate about evolution vs. creation as an explanation as to how we got here, so save the anti-evolution hate mail and “intelligent design” sermons for somebody who will read it), we developed different skills and physical characteristics that made each gender better suited to handle specific tasks.

Over time, men who had larger lungs, bigger skeletons and musculature, and spatial skills (navigation, being able to mentally gauge proximity to guess the arc of a spear as he threw it, developing tools, etc.) to help provide food and protect themselves and others survived better and reproduced more. Women who had wider hips (to aid in childbirth), advanced language skills (to cooperate with others in building huts, processing skins and sinew to build weapons, and other tasks that were best conducted in cooperative enterprises), sharper sense of smell (to sense danger approaching the dwelling and identify edible or poisonous plants), etc., also survived and reproduced more.

As with everything biological in every species of life, those whose survivability traits were the best-developed reproduced the most – survival of the fittest in its purest form. Some men were better protectors and providers than others. Some women were better at tuning in to a man’s traits and determining how much of a hunter and leader he could be. Through the generations, they became biologically “wired” through this process of natural selection (by locking in those genes that created successful traits) to possess skills that helped in finding a good mate.

While chasing down and killing a rabbit or deer with bare hands or a bear with a spear is no longer required for a woman and child to eat, and indeed, in most parts of the world women routinely provide for themselves quite adequately without the help of a man, these mechanisms are still present and active in the female brain, and they automatically engage to size a man up from time to time – indeed, virtually every time they encounter a man, familiar or not. Much has changed, but one thing hasn’t: the nature of the test…

…which, in a nutshell, is to provoke you in some way to see if you will say “NO” to her when she is being unreasonable. Most of the time it is not at all deliberate, and you would laugh yourself silly as you read transcripts of conversations and e-mails in which women said, “I NEVER test a man. That’s silly!” and then confessed to it within just a few seconds as their testing actions were called to their attention, after which many of them said, “Oh my God! He must hate me!”

No, he doesn’t hate you, Ladies. Your testing is a pain in our collective ass, but it doesn’t make us hate you. It makes us think you’re nuts until we understand what it is and why you do it. Then it’s usually somewhere between mildly annoying and wonderfully amusing. So on that note, guys, here it is, in a nutshell:

A woman knows, instinctively, without ever being told, as a result of biological development through the ages, that if a man can’t stand up TO her (when appropriate), he cannot stand up FOR her or WITH her. “When appropriate” is a big deal, too, because when it is inappropriate to stand against her, such as when right is on her side, you must also be able to stand with her, no matter how much ego or crow you might have to swallow, and if she’s in the wrong, you have to be enough of a leader to show her that she’s wrong so she doesn’t push a bad position any further and get embarrassed or hurt.

Write that down, and recite it mentally every time you start to enter a conversation with a woman until it becomes second nature, because you will eventually need it with every women you ever meet if you talk to her more than a few minutes, maybe even a few seconds. They have to know, and are biologically-driven to find out, whether it’s in a casual or formal situation, public or intimate context, and regardless of the nature or longevity of your relationship.

You WILL be tested, and if you can say “NO” to a woman she will feel safe in letting you get to know her better, safe in letting you hold sway over her emotions, safe in letting you negotiate on her behalf or as her adversary (because you’ll say “NO” directly instead of saying “YES” and then trying to trick her, go behind her back, or cheat her in some other way). No matter what you may think, there is no possible downside to saying “NO” when it’s appropriate and the logical thing to do.

But when is that? We’ll get to that in a minute, but before we do, let me clue you in on a HUGE difference in the way we communicate: nearly all communication you ever have with a woman, and ALL communication that carries the potential for conflict, will start as a negotiation.

It is EXPECTED that you enter a discussion with either a position or a statement that you require more information. So when saying “NO,” unless you are abusive about it, in a woman’s mind and according to the protocol she will naturally follow, that “NO” is not final; it is merely your opening negotiating position, and she expects a chance to give you input that may persuade you. An inappropriate “NO” will only anger a woman if you deliver the “NO” and deny her the opportunity of negotiation. That’s why they get so ticked off when we act like we’re afraid to say “NO;” it’s just too wussy for words in their world.

But it does make things easier if you try to say “NO” only when appropriate, because it shows that you are reading her, which in turn means that you are paying attention to her, a big compliment in the women’s playbook. The easiest way to draw the line between an appropriate and inappropriate “NO” is to ask one simple question, “Has she earned a ‘yes’?”

If your wife says she wants new furniture for a room, and has contributed to the smooth and secure operation of the household, whether through a job or “domestic efforts,” been loyal and trustworthy, given you love and respect, etc., then she’s earned a “yes,” as long as what she’s asking for is within or can be worked into your budget, obviously. If she’s laid around on her lazy or drunken butt while you and the kids have done everything and complained because you didn’t do it fast enough, abused herself and you, and exhibited a general lack of respect for herself and everyone around her, no, she hasn’t.

Indeed, she’s earned a trip out the door to divorce court, just as you would if you did the same thing. It’s really that plain and simple – ruthless, as one forum member called it, but necessary just the same. (It’s at http://forum.makingherhappy.com, and you should visit, because even though it’s still in beta and there are under 200 people there, the posts are REALLY interesting and helpful already.)

Or, put another way, if you think she deserves it and want to agree because of that, she’s earned a “yes,” but if you’re thinking about giving in to earn some favor from her that really isn’t a favor, but something a wife should be doing, you’re about to get busted for being a wuss, and getting the furniture without gaining whatever favor you were after is just the beginning of your punishment, so don’t go there. You can reward good behavior and punish the bad behavior, and you can exhibit good behavior by acting like a man of self-respect, but you cannot “buy off” a woman, at least not any woman worth having. That is in essence saying to her that you think she’s a prostitute, and they don’t take kindly to such things, sometimes even when they are.

As I said to this new reader today, I have searched extensively to find any rational downside to a man having genuine self-esteem and engaging in attractive behavior like being strong for his wife or girlfriend, and I have failed utterly to identify even an iota’s worth of a good reason to do anything less. If a woman says she wants something, even if you think it’s the right thing to do, invite her to make her case, thereby opening the negotiation that she expects and WANTS to engage in. Yes, you read that right.

Women naturally engage in negotiation to communicate nearly everything, and if she’s testing, you’ve made the right move, and if she’s not, she’ll be happy to build the emotion of making her case instead of just having you give in. The same thing if you think you should say “no” – yes, really! If you think it’s a bad idea, say so, and immediately invite her to make her case so that she doesn’t feel shut down and retaliate. It would sound something like:

Her: “Honey, what do you think about our living room furniture?” (Implied statement: “Honey, I want new living room furniture, and it’s time to negotiate.”)

You: “I like it fine, why?” (The “why” is needed for her to continue; if you don’t say it, she will most likely take it that you shut down the discussion!)

Her: “Well I think it needs to be replaced.” (Or in the long version, “Don’t you think it looks old and worn out (or the color is wrong, or it’s uncomfortable, etc.)?” meaning “I want to change it.” Some women will continually ask questions to repeat the statement they are trying to make until you make it back to them, signifying understanding and interest.)

You: “Well, like I said, I don’t see any problem with it, but you live her too, so tell me what makes you want to replace it.”

From there, she’ll either give you good reasons to do so, like pointing out that it’s stained, uncomfortable worn, or she’s so bored with it she doesn’t feel comfortable in the room anymore (yes, that can be a very legitimate reason, as you would know if you knew everything you need to know about women, depending on whether she is truly bored with the furniture and the room condition or if she is generally bored and wanting “retail therapy” on the magnitude of a furniture purchase), or she’ll stammer around talking about where you can buy it on sale, or giving you the old “you’d just buy it for me without asking questions if you loved me,” routine if she doesn’t have a good reason and is either testing you or showing her true colors as a gold-digger (and maybe it’s time to test her a bit, too!)

The bottom line is that if she has a good reason, she’ll enjoy talking about it and enjoy the intimacy and challenge of the negotiation. And if she doesn’t, her behavior will make it quite obvious.

Living with a woman is easy if you are fairly well-matched in terms of values, tastes and interests and you understand what you need to know about women, which is how they are both like us and different from us, and how to communicate well enough to recognize negotiations, questions that are statements, etc. Now, you have a decision to make…

Are you going to spend a lifetime trying to learn on your own and reach the end of your life lonely and still not knowing?

Or worse, assume that I’m full of crap and you don’t need to learn anything?

Or are you one of us guys who see a problem, seek out a viable solution, preferably one that has already worked for somebody else in similar circumstances, and fix it?

If you’re that first guy, I commend your can-do attitude, but isn’t reinventing the wheel a gross waste of time? Not to mention a HUGE risk of having life – family life – as you know it, come to a sudden halt if you don’t figure it out, or don’t figure it out fast enough?

If you’re that second guy, why are you reading my newsletter? If you’re looking for validation of your past actions instead of a solution to your self-inflicted problems, you’re looking in the wrong place. I help people fix problems, not feel good about having created them.

If you’re that third guy, let me hook you up with what you need, and yes, it has already been tested and proven by thousands of couples. Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." Read it. Study it. Learn from it the answer to that oldest of man’s questions: “What makes a woman tick?” and that next oldest: “What do women REALLY want?” Then go sweep your woman off her feet…I dare you! (And for those of you in the southern United States, “I double-dog dare you!”)

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Want to Put an End to Fights in Your Relationship and Marriage? This Will Help...

A progress report from a female reader proves yet again that personal authority and leadership get results in your relationship and marriage.

I got a letter from an old and dear friend that I want to share with you. She’s not what anyone could call a pessimist or skeptic, just a woman with a logical mind who needs to see proof in her own life before anything can progress from “theory” to “fact” in her own mind. Meet Halle:

David,

Okay, so I've been reading your newsletter for a while now, and of course, I've read your book, but I still wasn't 100% buying into some of your “theories” (don’t spank me, you know how I am about this stuff!)... but my current relationship is slowly but surely striking down each and every one of my "objections." I wanted to tell you about the most recent one.

I've been dating this guy for about 4 months ... we have progressed VERY slowly due to a combination of work schedules (both very busy) and our combined set of "baggage," which, although small enough to fit neatly in the overhead compartment or underneath the seats in front of us, is still sufficient to cause us each to slam on the brakes every now and then. So after 4 months, we've JUST had our first "argument."

It wasn't a particularly bad one by any stretch of the imagination, but due to the late (or rather, EARLY hour - it was about 3 AM), it did go downhill towards the end. I was having a very hard time articulating what I was trying to say, which resulted in several long, uncomfortable silences -- never a good thing when you're having a discussion in a dark room at 3 AM. At one point, I got upset because he was nodding off, so I got up and went into the bathroom.

Actually, to be honest, I probably did more of a "storm" into the bathroom - and closed the door loudly so that he would hear it. He did hear the door close, which jarred him out of his nodding off, and he yelled through the door, "Do NOT get up and walk out on this conversation. If you've got something to say, SAY IT. It's late and I'm tired, so let's get this settled and MOVE ON!" Now, my first reaction was to think, "How DARE he talk to me like that? Who does he think he is?? Talking to me like I'm a bratty little kid and he's my father ... the NERVE!"

But the truth is ... I WAS being bratty. It took about 7 seconds for me to realize that, and his tone of voice was what did it. In theory, I would have told you that an authoritative attitude would NOT have worked to snap me out of any negative behavior patterns ... it sounds like something that just wouldn't work for me. In theory, I would have told you that kind of tone of voice and those words would have hurt my feelings or made me cry ... or just made me mad ... but it didn't.

That one statement was all it took to straighten my ass out! :-) The fact is, I was subconsciously testing him to see what I could get away with, and to see if he was man enough to stand up to me and pull me back in line. I think he's the first man in my life who's ever talked to me that way ... and he's probably the first REAL man that I've ever been in love with. It should be interesting to see where this relationship goes ...

Thanks for your advice and your perspective -- I continue to be amazed at how RIGHT you are!!! :-)

Halle


My response:

Well, Sweetie, I thought you knew me better than to think I would indulge in anything that was merely a theory. That would amount to selling people the privilege of testing my theories in my book, which I would call “theft by fraud,” among other things.

I wasn’t kidding about the 118 couples who helped in the research for my book, nor was I theorizing about anything that is in it. That’s the result of working with all those couples and quite a few more after the first edition, and one of the first things that became immediately obvious in doing so was that what women think and say they want and what they respond to are quite often very different, and even opposite, like wanting a “nice guy.”

In any case, I’m glad it’s helping. It will help a lot more if you just accept what you read in that book and seek understanding, benefit, and protection from your vulnerabilities through it. I’m not saying, “Trust me.” I’m saying, “It’s been proven beyond any reasonable doubt through application on a significant scale.” You’ll find it quite empowering to be able to prepare for the unexpected and dispatch most if not all of those secret fears that every woman is programmed to have throughout her life, which is the main reason I wanted you to have it.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David


You see, Gentlemen, what I keep telling you isn’t theory at all. It’s the result of studying and interviewing real people with real problems and making adjustments that brought real successes in their relationships. Some people are good at visionary things, like inventing or composing. Others are good at organizing things. Still others are good at following instructions and consistently producing a quality result. I’m good at studying cause and effect and developing operational models, policies, procedures, and at using these things to manage and eliminate crisis, not to mention PREVENT it.

That’s how "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" came to be. My relationship with my wife was cooling after a couple of years, and I had a lot of friends whose relationships were somewhere between “strained” and divorce court. I started researching, found a lot of good information (by filtering through and trying a lot of BAD information!) that was making fast improvements in my own relationship, and knew that it was so universal in nature that if it could work for me it could probably work for a lot of other people.

I contacted my troubled friends and invited them to participate in a study and to contact their own friends with problem relationships and invite them in as well. After working with 188 women, we ended up with 118 couples, plus my own relationship, and all of us found major improvements, literally returning to honeymoon status: being fully engaged instead of going our separate ways after dinner, indulging in romance regularly, holding hands when we walked somewhere and talking about anything and everything with renewed interest, and returning to a satisfying sex-life after having slipped into that “the average couple has sex six times per year” status.

That was several years ago. After working with a lot of couples, I was finally convinced to open a forum, where we continue to discover and refine, and where people with problems get help cutting through the emotions that cloud their judgment and identifying, facing, and working within the factual basis of their problems to quickly reach a solution. No believing, no hoping, no listening to somebody else grind their axe in an attempt to justify their own bad choices or blind leading the blind. Just knowing, doing, and making friends along the way. You’re most welcome to join us at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/.

The best news of all is that the key to much of what makes a relationship or marriage work is for a man to start aspiring – or resuming -- to be a man instead of apologizing for being one. Can you remember how much fun it is to just be a guy? Can you even remember back that far? Were men still acting like men when you came into adulthood, or did you grow up in the age of political correctness and men crying in front of their women because some New Age idiot had told them that’s what women want?

Women want men, real men, manly men who do manly things. Not thugs, not predators or parasites, and although you couldn’t convince one of it until she’d tried it, not metrosexuals, either, because they end up being girlfriends to shop with instead of men. They want a real man with a real purpose and a real smile, who can protect them from their worst enemy, boredom.

They want more than that, but you’re going to have to go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and get your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" to find out exactly what that is and how to make it happen. You’d better do it now, because every day that passes is another day that you get to spend either happy or unhappy, and you don’t have any idea how many you have left. Neither do I, but even if it were millions more, I’d much prefer to spend them in a great relationship than in misery wishing I could have my great relationship back.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham