Saturday, August 14, 2010

Confidence Building: Yet Another Crucial Part of Great Relationships and Marriage

One of the greatest things you can do for your relationship is to build self-confidence. Here’s why, and more important, HOW…

I just got off the phone with a man for whom I feel incredibly sorry. I’m not one generally given to pity, and usually hold people accountable for their choices, but this guy had been hammered into the ground from birth, programmed for failure and zero self-esteem to the extent that he didn’t want to accept that feeling any other way was even possible, let alone normal.

I’ll spare you the details; he basically grew up in a home with a single mom who was abandoned when she found out she was pregnant and hated men, and had the bad fortune to be pregnant with a son who looked identical to his father. She’s spent his entire life abusing him and blaming him for her bad choices, and has him convinced that he is totally worthless, and the cause of all her problems.

Needless to say, like many of the men who come to our forum,, to get help, he’s never had a good relationship with a woman. He rarely even gets into a relationship because he rarely gets a date, let alone a series of dates from which a relationship can grow. After about two hours of discussion he finally started coming around to the idea that he really has a choice and asked how he might go about building self-esteem and confidence. What follows is the advice I gave him, at least parts of which should be useful to all of you.

Self-esteem is defined as regarding one’s self with respect, recognizing one’s own value. It has to be there to recognize it, and when it’s there it MUST be recognized and accepted. You must know that you deserve whatever life you have by virtue of whatever choices you have made, and that if you have made bad choices, you simply must make better ones to make your life better. Self-esteem comes from nothing more and nothing less than the use of one’s virtues to achieve and attain one’s values (the Law of Existence), and recognizing that you have done it (the Law of Identity).

To some of you that will sound terribly simplistic and self-evident, but you’d be shocked at how many people I’ve coached or encountered at seminars who think that their value is determined by what OTHER people think of them and not what they think about themselves. To make matters worse, people who look to others for their self-esteem are often so afraid of what others think that they will either withdraw completely or go to the other extreme and become an acute approval-seeker, which is self-defeating since nobody will respect anyone who seeks their approval.

As an aside, many women suffer from a particularly nasty variation of this condition. Because of their social nature in combination with having had their self-esteem hammered into the ground almost since birth (by the beauty and fashion industries, other destructively competitive women, predatory men who know to abuse women to force them into approval-seeking mode, etc.), they anticipate all possible criticism and negative comments about everything going on in their life, and then respond as if that criticism and those comments had in fact been made.

This leaves them constantly feeling under attack by those around them when in fact they are their own attacker, and it leaves those around them wondering what they did to deserve such a tongue-lashing or thinking the woman is paranoid. Should you see this, try to talk with her about it and take whatever measures are necessary to build her self-esteem, or at least to seek some professional counseling or therapy, else she may end up going down and taking you down with her; that level of dysfunction destroys lives.

Now, getting back to you, once you have taken responsibility for your choices and have thereby empowered yourself to make more and better choices, assess yourself, and see what value you have. Take stock of your good and bad traits, and see that the good ones outnumber and outweigh the bad ones; if they don’t, that just means you have more choices to make and corrective actions to take than the average guy, so don’t panic. Building a man is a lot easier than building a house if the man desires the improvement.

It is crucial that you appreciate all the good things you find in yourself. If you are a talented artist, a skilled craftsman, a competent manager or decision-maker, don’t just blow that off as something that you were born with. Even if you were born with it, you still had to DO SOMETHING WITH IT to recognize your talent. If you haven’t done enough to feel good about it, take that as your cue to start doing more to leverage your existing skills and talent. Why?

Self-esteem and ultimately confidence comes from achievement, and nowhere else. And yes, even the smallest accomplishments count! The more you accomplish, the more you feel qualified and prepared to accomplish more. That feeling of readiness to face new challenges is the very essence of confidence, and recognizing that state of readiness is the essence of self-esteem. It makes you more able to face the potential for success and adversity with the idea that you can influence and survive the outcome. Independence, anyone?

When you achieve something, take a minute to appreciate and celebrate it. Acknowledge that you have done something well. It doesn’t matter if anyone else acknowledges it; it’s your work and your achievement, and there is nobody else as qualified as you to know the quality of your achievement or how good it should make you feel. Reward every achievement by acknowledging and celebrating it, even if that celebration is just a silent moment to observe and reflect, and achievement will become more pleasurable, more desirable, and easier to conceive and complete, in turn making you a much more interesting, confident and fun person to be around.

Why am I talking about confidence in a newsletter about relationships and marriage? First, because no relationship will survive if you don’t feel worthy of being in it. And second, because women absolutely love it! And when they see it genuinely exist in their man, they will whip a running saw mill to protect him and their relationship. Why?

Because they literally dream of finding a man who feels good about himself. Such a man is low-maintenance and potentially high-excitement, and what’s a woman’s greatest enemy? All together now, 1…2…3…BOREDOM!

Yes, that’s right. Everybody who said “boredom” gets a gold star.

Did you ever hear a woman say that she wants a man who makes her feel safe? Did you make the mistake of thinking that she was talking about having a man who was just a bodyguard? Probably, so here’s the low-down:

When a woman says she wants a man who makes her feel safe, she’s talking about a man who will not play games with her feelings, or be so caught up in his own drama that he allows her to drown in hers. She’s talking about a man who won’t consign her to being bored to tears and feeling like life has no purpose because he’s too busy whining about his own problems.

She wants to feel like part of something worthwhile, and like the man she trusts as her partner is qualified to lead her without trying to control her. In short, she’s talking about having a man with healthy self-esteem who values himself and her, and knows how to interact with her in a way that is complimentary instead of competitive, or even worse, parasitic or predatory. That’s why women flock to a confident man like ants to sugar, and why when a woman has such a man, she’s just as likely as not to kill to keep him.

So there you have it, and I’ll bet it’s nowhere near as hard as many of you thought. I hear so often that confidence is something that “other people are born with and I’ll never have” that it’s sickening, because it’s simply not true. You can have it, indeed, you can EARN it, and it’s simply a matter of making some choices to identify and accept the truth about yourself and then improve on it if necessary.

I don’t walk into a room feeling confident because there’s a 99.9997% chance that I’m the smartest guy in the room, even though it’s true according to IQ points, or because there are a lot of things I could do better than anybody else in the room, even though that’s true as well. I walk into a room feeling confident because I know that no matter what happens in that room, I’m going to meet interesting people I can speak with, laugh with, and if appropriate, learn things from and accomplish things with. No matter what happens, I can have an interaction that enriches my life and the lives of others and very likely take something with me when I leave the room that also improves my life. What does that tell you?

It tells you that confidence is not a matter of how you stack up to the other people in the room; it’s a matter of how you see yourself in being able to survive and flourish the events of the foreseeable future. And that, brothers, is precisely the measure of a man, and when you measure up, the people around you recognize it, involuntarily, and respond to it, especially your partner.

It’s literally the single best thing you can do for your life, and it’s either the best or second-best thing you can do for your relationship, depending on your communications skills; for some, improving your inter-gender communications skills will provide more improvement in your relationship because you can’t get along if you can’t communicate, and we’ll get into that in other lessons – indeed, MANY OTHER LESSONS.

Or, instead of waiting for more lessons, you can just grab the bull by the horns and get everything you need to know by going to and downloading your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and accomplish in hours or days what might take months or years otherwise, if you could accomplish it at all without the knowledge required to navigate the rapids of relationships. Talk to some of the confident people you know about their rules for success, and one of the things you’ll hear is “Never put off until tomorrow the things you can accomplish today.” Truer words nor better advice were ever spoken…

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, August 13, 2010

Is Somebody Bringing You Down? Insidious Killers of Relationships and Marriage

There are some people who not only don’t want anything in their life to go right, they don’t want anything in your life to go right, either. These people will pose as your friends, but if you carefully listen to them, you’ll know they don’t act like friends, because every time you get excited about something going well in your life, they have something negative to say. These people can even end up being your partner or your spouse, and if they do, they “gotta go!”

I had a run-in with a defeatist this morning, and it reminded me that defeatists, people who are simply resigned to defeat without regard for real chances of success, are a scourge not only to all achievers, but to relationships, since a great relationship with them is not possible and a great relationship in their presence is something they will fight tooth-and-nail, and I want to make sure you can recognize them and get them out of your life before they can do too much damage to you or those you love.

You shall know these people by their works, as the saying goes. They lead a mediocre life at best, always complaining about some problem, always a day late and a dollar short, and always trashing any idea you have to get ahead or trying to tell you that whatever success you just experienced will have to be short-lived because they tried it and it didn’t work out for them.

The plain and simple truth is that these people have no self-esteem and refuse to see themselves as successful or even worthy of success, and to confirm that success is impossible, they have to obstruct everyone else’s success in whatever way possible, else their little delusion explodes and they have to admit that success is possible and it’s their choice to fail that has caused them to fail all their life.

You do know them, huh? Maybe some of these:

1. The guy who says the car you’re trading up to is a piece of crap, and Consumer Reports or other consumer advocate or customer reviews only say it’s good because they’re taking money under the table.

2. The woman who says that the business you want to start can’t possibly succeed because everybody knows there’s no real market for something like that, and only by dishonest means can you ever make a living selling real estate, manufacturing some way cool new gadget that the world is begging for, or performing a service that everybody and their brother is asking you to quit your job to come to do for them.

3. The guy who spends more time bitching about not having a job, or more effort trying to look like he’s trying to find one while milking unemployment insurance and entitlement programs for every penny he can get, than it would take anyone to actually get one.

4. The chronic chemical abuser who says there is no sense being clean and sober because they couldn’t do anything worthwhile anyway, and by the way, neither can you, so you might as well join them for a few drinks, smokes, pills, etc.

5. The zealot who greets your ambitions with sermons about how “money is the root of all evil,” and “power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” and telling you that you should be volunteering for their pet charity instead of starting or expanding your own business, trying to make you feel guilty about wanting to improve yourself and your situation through honest effort and hard labor.

I’m sure you get the picture by now. No matter what you want to do, they say it can’t work, and no matter how successful you are, they say it can’t last, or they want to throw some obstacle in your way, like guilt, or the futility of the system, or some lament about life not being fair.

There are three basic scenarios in which these sorry people can have a negative impact on your life and especially your relationship, if you let them. Above all else, keep in mind that they can only impact your life if you let them, because you always have the choice of eliminating them, even if YOU are the defeatist; we’ll talk about that scenario last, so pay attention, because it’s the biggie.

The first scenario is where someone who doesn’t live in your household is the defeatist. Maybe a co-worker, somebody you erroneously regard as a friend (no real friend who values you and whom you can value can truly be a defeatist – they are more likely to be some kind of dependent and need you rather than care about you), or even a family member who doesn’t live with you. These are the easiest people to dispatch, because you can give them two choices, to straighten up and support your aspirations or stay out of your life; you can ultimately hold them accountable for their choice by cutting them out of your life if they don’t get with the program.

Yes, they might get pissy, and might say bad things about you, but while they’re sitting around talking about how you cared so little about them that you just went off and succeeded without them (a defeatist’s favorite lament), you’ll be off succeeding without them! Big whoop, huh? Hardly…

In the second scenario, the defeatist lives in your household. Ouch. That either means family member or some down-on-their luck “friend” (yeah, right, see the first scenario) that has suckered you into taking responsibility for their bad judgment and may have even out-stayed their welcome within the first day of moving in. This scenario is considerably tougher, but still ultimately in your control; you may just have to pay a higher price for their cooperation.

Sounds harsh, huh? Well, yes it does, until you realize that the defeatist is so efficient at killing any chance of achievement and happiness they might have that they almost always end up in trouble as a result of their own choices, not random events. Yes, there were certainly some defeatists displaced by Hurricane Katrina or a tsunami, and one could reasonably argue that at least some of those were there by choice (to stay when they could have left and ultimately to live there at all) as well, but regardless, they would be doing it to themselves if natural forces weren’t doing it to them, because they choose failure after failure. What do you do with them?

The same thing you would do with the ne’er-do-well in the first scenario – you give them the choice to straighten up or leave! By continuing to support them as they destroy their own life and try to influence you to destroy your own, you are “enabling” them, and maybe even paying for them to do it! And they will reward you by inviting you to join them in their pity-party, and may even let you continue to pay their bills while they’re sitting around too depressed to look for a way to fix their problems and regain their independence, if they ever had any. Just what you live for, right? They think so. Their entitlement mentality will permeate everything they contact, poison it, and kill it if they are not dispatched quickly.

If you know a defeatist, look at their life – indeed, check out several. See how many are living in really bad rental housing, shacked up with friends, parents or other relatives (well into adulthood!), and how many of them are working minimum or near-minimum wage jobs when the average person of their age and expected experience level is at twice that or better.

Ever met the “starving artist” type, whose mantra is “nobody understands me or my art”? They may be the only person alive who realizes that their art isn’t art, and would be best used as fecal absorption medium in the loo, but the problem in their mind is that it is everyone else’s responsibility to appreciate their creation, not their responsibility to create something everyone will appreciate, and they are some of the worst in the world at trying to project that attitude onto others.

There may be some emotional repercussions from ousting them, but can you afford to be influenced by that failure-mongering attitude? Can you afford to have your partner or your children (if you have any still at home) influenced by them, or disrespecting you because of your failure to rip them from your jugular vein? Get them out of your life before they impact your relationship with members of your family.

But wait! What if it is your partner that is the defeatist? Does that make a difference? Should it? Think with me for a minute here. You’re on an ocean liner, it’s going down, you and the rest of your family and friends are on a lifeboat, there’s still more room and plenty of supplies, but your partner says, “no, I’m just going to go down with the ship, because if I get in that raft, nobody’s going to find us.” What do you do?

Do you step out of the raft and back onto the sinking ship to go down with them when there was clearly an available and attainable choice to live??? Not me, nor anyone else who realizes just how precious a resource your life is. Being on that sinking ship – that they choose to go down with rather than to step on the raft – is a bad choice on their part that does not in any way create an obligation on your part.

Repeat after me: “A bad choice on your part does not create an emergency or obligation on my part.” Again. Again. Keep going. Yes, again! Keep repeating it until you understand it, accept it, and can live it. You may choose to help somebody out of a tough spot if they are typically responsible and were blind-sided or possibly swindled, but there’s no good reason for you to sanction and enable someone’s stupidity by bailing them out of a bad choice that was made simply because they wouldn’t acknowledge the possibility that they could succeed at something else and give it a try.

If it’s your spouse, give them some time, support, and even professional counseling if they need it, as well as ample opportunities to succeed so they can learn that they can indeed do it, and hold them accountable for both the outcome and a timetable for an outcome, and if they just can’t make the choice to snap out of it, fire them! It may cost you half of everything you have, but that’s better than having the defeatist costing you everything you have, including your life, for the rest of your life.

Hmmm….who does that leave for the third scenario? Well, yes, YOU! If you are the defeatist, you’re in big trouble, because everyone around you either pities you, is annoyed with you, or flat out wishes you’d find somebody else to bring down with your negativity. Yes, YOU are the one who may be about to get the “shape up or ship out” ultimatum, and no, there’s no nice way to put it, they’re really feeling that way!

But, since it is you who is the defeatist, it is you who has ultimate control as to whether that defeatist philosophy and attitude gets fixed! You don’t think it’s you? Well, take the test. If as you read the preceding paragraphs and kept feeling you needed to defend those mentioned because they just couldn’t help making bad choices because everybody always makes bad choices and nobody does anything right except by luck, guess what! You’re a defeatist!

If you are the defeatist, denial time is over. All these things I’ve been talking about doing are subject to be brought to bear against you, and somebody may already be contemplating it. You’ve thought all your life that you couldn’t succeed, and as long as you thought that, you were right, precisely because you thought it.

Henry Ford, the great American industrialist who founded the Ford Motor Company was known for being tough and rude, and at times, a little too arrogant for his own good (such as trying to tell the market what it was going to accept, which almost bankrupted him over the Edsel), but he was also incredibly wise in areas of human intelligence and human behavior.

He was known to take prospective employees out for a meal, and watch to see if they salted their food before tasting it. If they did, they were creatures of habit, not people who salted food because it needed salt, and he wouldn’t hire them. He wanted thinking people. And one of his favorite expressions according to historians was, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.” Wisdom from the grave.

Ask any achiever about happiness and success and they will tell you two things: Success is a choice, and hanging out with losers is something they won’t do. So start by accepting that success is a choice, then pick a successful person and learn from them.

It doesn’t have to be a Fortune 100 CEO, just somebody who is living a life that you would like to live. Model their behavior, especially how they think about life, success and achievement. Then find others whom you can model, and learn from everyone you can. It will give you the picture of success to move toward, the thought processes to help you get there, and the confidence to continue succeeding and be strikingly attractive to your partner! Then instead of wishing you were somewhere else, everyone will want to be around you and doing things with you for a change. ‘Nuff said!

Incidentally, I’ve posted a highly-successful process for success in life, career, and relationships on our forum,, in an article in our Hot Tips forum called “Getting Your Life in Order for Happiness,” and it contains wisdom that some of the world’s most successful people have deemed crucial to their success. I’ll even give you the direct link to the article: And you now have a choice, to be a defeatist and dismiss it without even looking at it, or an achiever who will read the article and do what it says. I’m offering to spoon-feed you success here, so don’t be a prat (there are also links to British slang dictionaries there if any of you need one). Get it done.

Folks, success and happiness really are choices you can make, no matter what it is you want to do, as is a great relationship. You must choose to believe you can succeed, you must choose to act to succeed, and you must choose to eliminate anything from your path that will keep you from it. Nothing that is a part of your life is a neutral; it is either for you or against you, enriching your life or detracting from it. Remove the detractors and live. Part of your job as a husband and father is the same as that of a soldier, to protect your family and domicile from all enemies, foreign and domestic. And if you fail in that job, you have no right to complain when those in your charge want new leadership.

If you’re having relationship or career troubles, or any kind of trouble, seek advice from those who have successful experience upon which they can base good advice, not somebody who whines about how there’s no use in trying. Don’t waste your time discussing your plans, hopes, and dreams with someone who plans for nothing and expects nothing but failure, hopes everyone else will fail to validate their own failure, and dreams of nothing but rationalizations for their own failure (or someone handing them success, such as those people whose retirement plan consists of buying a lottery ticket every week), or seeking advice from those who obviously have none of value to offer. Invest your time, and expect a return; you don’t know how much you have left and any that passes is gone forever.

If improving your relationship is on your list of things at which you want to succeed, there’s a ton of good advice in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” It’s tested, proven, and works. Download your copy today at, because success is a choice, your choice, as is a truly great relationship, and what you need to know to get it done is just a few mouse-clicks away!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, August 12, 2010

One of the Funniest Video Clips I Have Ever Seen

Today's lesson and feature is going to be a quickie. This is just a little on the raw side, in fact, it's what some would call toilet humor, but I just couldn't resist, especially when it might help some of you to see the "dark but funny side" of women.

I laughed until I hurt when I watched it, and then I saw some lessons for all of you.

First, you'll note some serious role-reversal, at least from the stereotypical roles. The woman is the aggressor, and the one with the "coarse" sense of humor, and the guy is the one offended by the joke and acting downright helpless. The woman is all about the fun, leading the action, and the guy is all about whatever is on the TV screen and being prim and proper.

You can also see that she's quite bored with him and trying to stir things up. And it would be safe to say that since he's being such a whiny little twit about it, the masterful maneuver at the end is his punishment for being a wuss. ;-)

Watch the first time -- or several times -- just for the sheer shock value and delight, and after you get your kicks, watch it another time or two (it's only about 43 seconds long) and study the characters, especially their body language and expressions.

Watch it here on my blog on our forum.

You might recall a recent article in which I advised a man to not put his mother or his wife on such a pedestal because women are capable of just as much mischief and enjoy just as much naughty play and sex as men do. I really wish I had been able to post this video with that article, because it really drives home the idea and the visual of a woman letting her hair down and doing what comes natural.

That's all for today. Just a good laugh and a lesson. No sales pitch. We spend months at a time studying hard together, and today you get a break. Call it "recess" if you like. But tomorrow we're going to get back to it, so stay tuned!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Women's Biggest and Loudest Complaint About Men, and Fixing It Can Fix Your Relationship or Marriage

Boredom is every woman’s arch-nemesis; it literally poisons them and threatens their life and sanity. How can you spot it, and what can you do about it? You’d better know, because left to her own devices, you may not be part of the solution, or if you are, you may be wishing you weren’t!

Any coffee lovers in the audience? I don’t mean people who drink a cup of coffee every morning; I mean coffee LOVERS. People for whom coffee is not just a shot of caffeine to give you a bump, but cuisine, something to be savored. I’m asking because I have finished a rather detailed how-to on coffee roasting, grinding, and brewing in the Hobbies section of our forum,, and if you’re finding your cup a little deficient or want to find out just how good it can get, you need to see this.

Among the many things I do, I roast coffee and am a trained barista who also occasionally trains baristas, and I charge about $200 to train people to do what I have described in sufficient detail on the forum for you to do expertly if you will only take the time to read and learn. I’m serious about making this thing go, serious about making it helpful, not just in relationships but in enjoying life in general, and I’m serious about you missing out if you’re not involved.

Why a hobbies section on a relationship and marriage help forum? Well, for starters, it’s as much of a man-building forum as a relationship and marriage help forum; some would say more so, since manning up is the single greatest thing you can do to both improve your life and improve your relationship. And every man needs at least one hobby. Period. A real hobby that can give him something useful to learn and challenging to do, not trying to catch every episode of “Manswers” on TV or try to make it through his sixth beer every evening before falling asleep. A man needs multiple sources of challenge and self-esteem, and most women will tell you that they perceive a man without a hobby as a man whose life is not in order, or even a man without a life. I couldn’t argue with them, and if restricted to the facts, neither could you.

You have kids, you say? You have a business, you say? So what? If you can’t make at least a few minutes a day a few times each week for the pleasure of a hobby, your life IS out of order, because your PRIORITIES are out of order. Don’t let your schedule, your finances, your family, etc., run you into the ground. Learn to set priorities, and learn to say “yes” and “no” when people have earned them, and to reserve some personal time for personal challenges, personal pleasures and personal improvement, lest you become the proverbial “very dull boy.”

I’m telling you all of this because when I was researching "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" women’s biggest and loudest complaint about their men could be summed up in a single word: “BORING.” It’s the last word you ever want to hear a woman use to describe you in any interaction with them, no matter who they are or the nature of the relationship.

I received a letter that I want to share with you, because in one respect it’s sad and in another it’s downright annoying. It’s both sad and annoying that this man’s answers have been in front of his face for months, and he’s simply ignored them while the rest of my reader community has been succeeding. Meet Dan:

Dear David,

I am writing this letter in hopes you can help me. It seems of late that my wife is not as interested in me as she used to be. I have tried all types of things to get her back to where we were a year ago when we got married, but nothing seems to work. I feel neglected, and it’s starting to feel like she is getting bored with me. The tone in her voice is different and sometimes she makes me feel like I am just a toy to be used when she needs one.

I want her back the way it was when we had fun and I was not worried about upsetting her with what I had to say. I love this woman in every way possible and can not imagine my life without her in it. It’s just like I never say the right thing to her anymore. Could you please tell me what I could be doing wrong?

Thank you for your time,

My reply:

Yes, Dan, I can, but before I do, I want to ask you a question: I get letters literally every day from people who read this newsletter and especially those who are using "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" talking about the great results they get and how fast they get them, and how their wives no longer see them as a boring dolt, but as exciting and fun. You’ve been subscribing for several months now. Do you know why are you not getting the same results?

The short answer is because you’re not really reading these newsletters, which describe all these problems to you, and you’ve not yet read and used "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" in your relationship to recognize and fix these problems. I give more advice on this subject than any other, and more free advice in these newsletters than most authors provide in their premium products, and you simply haven’t been paying attention. Now your situation has become critical, so listen up while you still have a chance to fix this.

Your wife is indeed bored, and if you’ve been reading even a small percentage of the newsletters I’ve been sending you every day you know that she needs you to do something about it. That’s your job as her husband. Take responsibility and get it done.

You should also know by now that she has been trying to communicate precisely what she needs to you, but because you and she are not wired with the same biological communications circuits, you’ve not been hearing her, and she’s thinking that you’ve heard her and chosen to ignore her. That’s a bad problem, and the reason that she is now making you feel neglected.

In addition, you should know that what she is needing for you to do to break her boredom is to create attraction for her, to give her that “swept off her feet” feeling from time to time, which gets her neurotransmitters, endorphins, hormones, and everything else in balance, saving her from that antsy torment that causes women to seek and create drama to substitute for the attraction you are failing to create.

The other thing that you should know by now is that if you don’t do something about this, she will, and at best, you’ll find yourself dealing with the spill-over from the drama she creates and at worst you’ll be dealing with affairs and even divorce that are used in a last-ditch effort to communicate to you that either you shape up or one of you is shipping out, if she gives you that last chance; many women will just divorce a man outright without a second thought once you let them go this far if another man creates attraction for them.

Obviously, the thing to do to fix all this is to go ahead and get your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and put it to work. Depending on how fast you read, the average person can get through it the first time in 2-4 hours, and it’s a book that you’ll want to re-read periodically as your experience base broadens and your skills develop.

In its pages, you will learn how to evaluate yourself, your wife, and your relationship, making it easier for you to know what’s broken before you start trying to fix things, or if you and your wife are so mismatched that fixing it will never be possible. You’ll learn how she communicates, so that you can finally pick up on all those signals that you’ve been missing all your life. You’ll know what makes women tick in general, and what they want, and with your newly-developed communications skills, will know your wife so well that she’ll describe you to her friends as “he always just knows what I want.”

And finally, you’ll learn about attraction, what creates it and what kills it, and that because it is a biological, not logical, process, you will always be able to give your wife that “swept off her feet” feeling that keeps the two of you intimate and keeps your life fun and exciting, both in and out of the bedroom, and save her from her arch-enemy, boredom. Big hint: what she requires most is that YOU enjoy YOUR life, so it’s not like you have to learn to cater to her.

So there it is, Dan (and YOU!), all spelled out. All that’s left for you to do is go to, download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and put it to work for you, because it’s the best thing you as a man can do for your marriage, and one of the most fun things you’ll do in your entire life to boot!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Sweeping Her Off Her Feet, One of the Greatest Skills for Keeping a Relationship or Marriage Fun and Alive

Do you know what it takes to really sweep a woman off her feet? Unlikely. Legend has it that it takes a mansion, cars, money, jet-setting, etc., but that is unmitigated “bovine feces” (B.S.!). Sweeping her off her feet requires nothing more than creating a special feeling – one that she will kill to keep once you create it for her – through entirely natural and fun means!

I keep getting mail from men and women that refer to “sweeping her off her feet.” It would be comical to go through what most of the men think that sweeping her off her feet entails, if it weren’t so pathetic. I’m not going to print letters from the men because I don’t want anybody being embarrassed by seeing their effort used as an example of what to avoid doing or thinking on this most sensitive of issues, but we are going to talk about it, in detail, from both sides of the issue.

In a nutshell, the guys keep asking the question, “How do I sweep her off her feet when [I’m not/I can’t/I don’t have/etc.]”

What they aren’t, but maybe could become to some degree, is dashingly sexy and handsome, rich beefcakes.

What they can’t do, at least today, is be dashing, charming, traveling with their women all day every day, shopping like there’s no tomorrow without a care for where the money comes from.

What they don’t have, at least not yet, is a few million bucks, a mansion, an island retreat, exotic car, private jet, country club membership, huge male organ (which, by the way guys, is grossly unpopular with many women because while it’s fun to look at, a 10-inch long “member“ being forced into a 4”-6” long vagina hurts like hell according to the women, at least those who have not yet had a hysterectomy to make room for it!), etc.

You know what? Not one bit of this matters!!! At least not to any woman worth having. Yes, many of these things CAN be used, because some women do respond to some degree to some of these things, but when women talk about being swept off their feet, these things aren’t what come up on their wish lists.

When women talk about being swept off their feet, they consistently mention self-confidence and sense of humor (especially a naughty – but not trashy and especially not demeaning or disrespectful -- sense of humor) more than anything else. They mention “having him know what I’m thinking,” but when questioned on this point, will eventually explain that they don’t really expect a man to be psychic, but they want a man who listens and picks up on all their signals (non-verbal stuff, like body language, as well as hints, etc.) to the extent that they can tune in to what the woman wants and even anticipate it.

They also mention a man who acts with and even defines and exercises authority by making decisions, being intelligent – even an expert on something – and leading conversations, not to mention knowing how to lead a negotiation with them (yes, most conversations with women involve some sort of negotiation!) without trying to dictatorially control (bully) the conversation and outcome.

And more than half of them, believe this or not, said that they liked being grabbed, pressed up against a wall, and aggressively kissed and ravished. But there was a deviation amongst those that responded this way that means you must be very careful. A few said this scared them, some said they liked this, but liked for it to go on for a minute or two and then be left hanging so they could anticipate the finish later in the evening, while others just wanted to go for broke.

I noticed in two polls that I did early in this project that women who said this kind of sudden action scared them had also been abused or forced into sex, and described themselves as chronically insecure. The most secure of the respondents said they liked to be “pounced upon” and then left hanging, to be ravished fully later in the day or evening. (You may recall that I’ve told you that women often enjoy the anticipation of an event more than the event itself, and this is one of the things they enjoy anticipating most!!!)

You might be shocked at just how much a woman will tell you if you just ask her in a way that says that you’re genuinely interested in hearing what she has to say. And feel free to discuss this with your wife, and I do mean DISCUSS; DO NOT ask her permission. Tell her that you’ve heard about this and are curious as to what she thinks about it.

She’ll tell you how SHE’D react, because that is the question behind the question and that’s how women speak. But beware: if she says she would like or love it, use it sparingly, else you’ll spoil it for her by burning her out on it so that it bores her instead of giving her an adrenaline rush. Indeed, wait several days before doing it the first time, as she will be expecting you to do it immediately, and will love the anticipation and suspense of waiting and the adrenaline rush when it finally comes after she’s stopped thinking it’s going to happen.

This sudden ravishing is alpha male behavior that flips attraction switches like mad, causing undamaged women to go nuts with excitement and desire – the FEELING of being swept off their feet, walking on clouds being overwhelmed with anticipation of the next meeting with a man, his next smile, next touch, next authoritative statement or naughty remark, etc. Mature women who are the picture of sense and sensibility can be observed giggling like school girls when under the influence of this feeling, because it is that rare and delightful for them. It makes them feel alive like nothing else can; not just alive, but excited about being alive. It’s the extreme opposite of that dreaded curse of curses to women everywhere, “boredom.”

No matter whose advice you read or follow, read a romance novel or two to see the examples of the scenarios women fantasize about and the details these fantasies are built upon – and be smart about it by picking them off the best-seller list or asking a couple of really “girly” girls for their favorites – and tune in to the descriptions of this feeling in the characters in the books, and also pay some attention to what goes on to create that.

If this sounds like a stupid idea, think about this: If you are not invoking attraction in a woman, you are at least boring her, if not annoying the living hell out of her. Being able to sweep a woman off her feet is the second “Holy Grail” of a lasting relationship, only infinitesimally less important than a high degree of compatibility. It’s magic if you can pull it off, and guaranteed hard times if you can’t, because you will be failing to fulfill one of her most basic needs.

By the way, the women on our forum,, have also shared some personal observations about things that have swept them off their feet, and some of it is surprising, to say the least. One said that the most impressive thing her husband did on a completely perfect day was to take her to dinner and not be fiddling with his cell phone checking messages and such while they were out. It was the simple act of giving her his undivided attention, something she had been sorely lacking and missing, that did the trick. I’m telling you that no matter who you are, if you have a “Y” chromosome you will be shocked at what you can learn when you simply ask a woman, or a group of women, a question that expresses genuine interest. They are so sick of us not “getting it” that they will bend over backwards to try to help us understand if they see even a modicum of effort and genuine interest.

Think about this for a moment: when you’re boring a woman, you are in an inferior and adversarial position, trying to gain or regain her favor. If you were commanding an army against another army, and could read their Standard Operating Procedures manual and high-level stratagem papers to find out how they could be expected to behave in a given situation and how they could be expected to respond to a given maneuver, wouldn’t you? Sure you would! So what’s the difference, other than the obvious difference that a woman can be turned from adversary to ally much easier than a soldier?

For that matter, why do you think there are so many women subscribed to this newsletter, active members of our forum, and buying my book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage”? They want to know what you are being told, to know what to expect of you, if you’re smart enough to follow good advice! They also want to understand their own attraction mechanisms better, and want to identify the core of what makes some men so exciting so they might get a good one, possibly instead of the incredibly attractive losers, users, and abusers they’ve been dating in the past. Take a cue from them and get with the program! They’re a lot better at playing the relationship game than most of us are, so learn from them, especially their diligence in learning about and actively managing their relationships.

What else can I say, Gentlemen? Women are buying and reading this book, writing daily saying that it’s “spot on” and they wish their men would read it, or that they have their men reading it and it’s working for them. I have their letters to prove it. You can see a few of their testimonials in the archive at the address below and at, and download your own copy while you’re there. Several hundred of them have provided the information to create and maintain this book (can you imagine several hundred women agreeing on anything???), and their men put it to the test and confirmed it before the first copy of the book was ever sold, so if you want to sweep your partner off her feet, get your copy today, not later, because life is too short to waste it living less of a life than you could live. Never put off until tomorrow the improvements you can make today in any part of your life.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, August 09, 2010

Ex's: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Former Relationships and Marriage

Depending on circumstances, ex’s can be a valuable asset, a nightmare, and worst of all, an attraction-killer to your present partner. Let’s explore…

As you may remember from the bio on the web site, a lot of people have called me “Doc” since childhood, not because am a medical doctor, psychiatrist, dentist, veterinarian, or college professor, but because I’m the guy that makes whatever ails you go away, no matter what it seems to be.

Hence, I spend a large part of my life hearing other people’s problems and providing solutions for them, and one of the problems I hear about most are “ex’s” – ex-husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, employers, etc. I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about it, but how people become “ex’s” in your life and how you deal with them once they do says a lot about you. We need to talk about some of the things it can say, because some of it is really good, and some of it is really, REALLY bad. And whether you have an ex now or there is some chance you may have one in the future, you NEED to know this and think about it.

Let’s start with the worst case first, and work our way to the better ones. The worst case is the ex that became an ex because war was declared, and you got angry and/or hurt and have never gotten over it. You talk about the relationship and the break-up all the time, even though it’s been years ago. Have you noticed how people react?

Have you noticed that they tend to “glaze over,” look at their watches, or roll their eyes, and suddenly remember somewhere else they need to be or rather aggressively change subjects? If not, open your eyes, because they do exactly that, and it’s costing you. People don’t like hearing the same lament over and over, and they don’t like being around people who harbor pain, depression, grudges, etc., instead of resolving their problems and moving on with their life. It’s annoying, embarrassing, and can be quite depressing. It’s also a major respect and attraction-killer, and labels you as a wuss who can’t deal with life and move on.

Face it, everybody goes through at least one bad relationship in their life, and they get over it. They learn how to better choose a girlfriend, wife, friend, business partner, employer, or whatever, and they move on to have a better life. Or they wallow in unresolved anger or misery and become a pain in the neck to everyone they know.

If you’re not resolving problems and moving on, the only thing keeping you from it is YOU. How you respond to past events is entirely YOUR CHOICE! Make the choice to accept reality and whatever responsibility is yours, stand up, dust off your pants, and step forward. If it was so traumatic that you need professional help, get it, and get it done. Life’s too short to spend it looking backward and feeling crappy (and annoying the hell out of everyone else) instead of moving forward and experiencing the joy that you were born to have if you only step up and choose to earn it.

“But you don’t understand!” you say. Oh yes, I DO understand. You loved her, you needed her, the sex was great, you really loved that job, you never thought that buddy would screw you over. You never thought you’d come home to find your brother or best friend in bed with your wife. You loved being self-employed, or having money, status, and respect. I’ve seen and heard it all. Lived through it, too. And I can tell you with authority that none of those things has any impact on TODAY, unless you CHOOSE to let them.

There are lessons to learn from the bad things that happened to you. Stop lamenting the events and seek out the lessons. Learn them. Consign yourself to using those lessons to be more successful in the future. And relegate those events to the past and never, ever look back. The clock is ticking, and every second that passes can never be regained. You can spend each second looking back and wasting it or looking forward and living a better life. It’s your call. Let that choice and that ability to choose empower you to live well and be happy.

Stepping down off my stump now… ;-)

The next worst case isn’t much better. It’s the dependent that you can’t quite get rid of. The ex-wife or lover that you’re constantly having to bail out of a jam that they stupidly chose to put themselves in but want someone else to pay for, the child who is well into adulthood that you keep bailing out, even though a person their age usually has a family, mortgage, and established a career, the ex-employer who either fired you and continues to call on you for help or the one you left that keeps leaning on you instead of hiring a competent replacement, any of which causes you to complain and be distracted when you’re around people who currently really do matter to you and want to enjoy your company.

Those don’t like listening to you repeat the same laments and frustrations any more than you want to hear it out of them. It labels you as a push-over, another breed of wuss who just can’t say “no,” no matter how badly “no” needs to be said. You guessed it, another major respect and attraction killer that will send both genders scurrying when they see you coming down the hall.

People who don’t want to be partners of some sort and share life with you, whether it’s a wife, girlfriend, buddy, employer, business partner, offspring, or whatever, don’t deserve to have you sacrificing yourself to their incompetence, delinquency, etc. Altruists around the world are cringing as I say this, but you know it’s true. Your life is too short and too precious to allow yourself to be bled dry by a bunch of parasites who won’t let go of your jugular vein. Let them keep themselves up instead of sucking you dry, Brother. Do you understand? Their need is not a demand on your life; a poor choice on their part does not constitute an obligation or emergency on yours. Remember that. Quote it daily.

There are good people around you more than willing to share life with you, no matter who or where you are unless you are a parasite or predator, so why cheat yourself and them of the great things you can do -- and BE -- together while throwing your life’s energy away to these parasites? You’ll find that when you do this, all you will attract are more parasites, as well as a few predators, because good, competent, independent people will shy away, not wanting your problem overload to spill over on them, while parasites and predators will be watching for a sucker like you to come along and latch on as soon as you give them an opening.

What impact do you think this will have on any relationships or marriage you might enter into? If the good people are steering clear of you and the bad ones have you targeted, well…it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see how that will turn out, especially when parasites and predators are masters of using guilt and a person’s own insecurities to manipulate people into doing things they know better than to do just for approval and acceptance. If this is you, you’re going for ride after ride until you either choose to live better or they drive you all the way to the gutter. And again, the choice is yours, not theirs, so make the right one.

The last kind of ex to which I want to call your attention is the only good kind to have, the kind with whom you have shared something for a while, and as you grew apart or found yourself at odds, you responsibly recognized that you were evolving in two different directions or at incompatible paces or that you started a relationship without sufficient compatibility to sustain it and you went your separate ways on friendly terms. You’ve probably seen this at one time or another, a situation where both of you recognized that you were both good people in a bad match-up, and knew that you’d both be better off at arm’s length than close-up, “better friends than lovers” as the saying goes.

This would be the former employer who keeps you in their Rolodex as a potential paid consultant and gives you a good employment referral (not just a reference, but calls up somebody in their own network to help get you placement), and to whom you would refer competent sources of help, materials, or whatever. We’ve all seen a bad fit in the work place, and employers appreciate how it can happen and will often treat you much better if you sit down with them to discuss it instead of trying to hide the fact that it’s a bad fit until you’ve found something else and have to leave on short notice, leaving them hanging with a job to fill and no warning.

It would also be the ex-wife or ex-girlfriend who steers opportunities your way, and to whom you steer good-quality people. Maybe you even double date from time to time to help each other meet new people, steer contacts to each others’ businesses, etc. This is highly attractive behavior to all but the most insecure of women, because it says that you can accept responsibility for your actions and decisions, keep a level head and reach workable agreements with people, and won’t be a needy wuss who hangs onto them if things don’t work out for the long term. It says that you’re strong and of good character, that you focus on the value in people, not their flaws. I don’t know about you, but that’s precisely the kind of thing that I want to be known for, and consequently, am known for.

Fights are neither necessary nor desirable to resolve a bad relationship of any kind. At 48 years old I’ve never been sued, and every conflict I’ve engaged in during my adult life has been settled in a logical and equitable manner by mutual consent, including all former marriages, contracts, employment, and customer relationships. I know of nobody that I’ve ever dealt with that I couldn’t call up right now and have a good conversation, and probably find some way of stirring up a business deal or some kind of fun. It sounds like quite an accomplishment, but while it may be unusual, it has never been difficult, and should not be difficult for you, either.


Because all it takes is the willingness and respect to deal squarely with those around you, looking for what you can accomplish together instead of what you can cheat each other out of, put over on each other, get away with, or control. Being known for being such a person makes you attractive to everyone in all respects, and when it comes to women, they want a man who will take the lead, act responsibly and fairly, keep a positive attitude, help them to filter drama, and keep things moving for them, not somebody looking for every possible way to screw them, cheat them, lie to them, etc., or who feeds their drama instead of trying to keep them from getting lost in it. Sounds rather like an employer, does it not?

They also want someone to share life with, who knows when to say, ‘Yes,” or, “No.” They evaluate men using an iron-clad rule: “If you can’t stand up TO me, you can’t stand up FOR me, and if you can’t stand up for ME, you won’t stand up for US.” They don’t mind you sharing yourself with others, moderately, as long as you save the best part for them, which in a good relationship is a very fair trade for the nurturing, loyalty, and many other things a loving wife will give a good man who’s making her happy. And I’ll guarantee you that if you are with the right partner, saving the best part of yourself for them will be automatic, since that will be how you experience the most pleasure yourself.

Knowing how to evaluate and maintain a good relationship at home, how to communicate with people, and how to create attraction in the woman you love has far-reaching effects, much farther-reaching than you might ever imagine before doing it. Look around you. Those men who are happy at home are happy at work as well, and they have solid relationships with all the people in their life. They know how to choose good relationships, how to communicate with people, and how to be the kind of guy that people want to be around.

You’ll find that when you do the things described in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," the rest of your life will start improving at the same pace that things improve at home. Your confidence level increases, your communications skills improve, and you become more fun, interesting, competent, and generally enjoyable to have around. You can keep putting it off because you don’t know if you can do it, or you can accept the fact that a lot have people have already done it, many of which may not be as sharp as you, and you can make just as big a difference in your life as they have, if not even bigger. All it takes is to claim your birthright as a man and BE a man.

Download this fascinating and highly-effective book at It’s guaranteed, it’s fun, you can easily afford it, and quite frankly, you can’t afford to not do it, at least not if you realize just how short life really is and don’t want to spend it watching everybody else enjoying it more than you do. Join us, right now! Indeed, speaking of joining us, join us at our forum, too,, where you’ll find friends, help, reinforcement, fun and motivation, to say the least.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Whom Did You Marry, a Wife or a Mother? Roles and Perceptions in Relationships and Marriage

A reader asks how I can expect him to act naughty around women when they are so “pure and virtuous and never have naughty thoughts.” No, he’s not from another planet; he’s been programmed to think that way, as a great many men have. Let’s fix this…

I sometimes get letters from men who just can’t believe that getting naughty with a woman will be well-received. They have a misconception that women are somehow “too pure and virtuous” to do things like tell dirty jokes, pass gas, or most ridiculous of all, think about or enjoy sex! Meet Juan:

Hello David.

Thank you for your e-mails. I like to read them every day. I am having a hard time with your idea that I should be “naughty” with my wife. She is a good and pure woman, just like my mother. She never swears, takes good care of our children, and goes to Mass every week. How could such a woman be naughty?


Juan, Buddy, it’s time to wake up. Going to church, raising children, and keeping her language “G-rated” has nothing whatsoever to do with how she wants to act or be treated in the bedroom, nor did it have anything to do with your mother. You’ve made the same two mistakes that almost every man alive makes:

1. You put your mother on a pedestal, not allowing her to be human,

2. You put your wife on the same pedestal when you allowed your skewed perception of your mother to define your perception of all women, especially your wife.

Think with me here for a minute, all of you. There was very little that you could get away with as teenagers, right? I mean, even if you managed to sneak out of the house without getting caught sometimes, or went somewhere other than where you told your parents, or dated somebody for a while that you weren’t supposed to, you got questioned about all those things at some point if not all the time. Why do you think that is?

For the same reason that you do it to your own kids! You’ve “been there and done that,” and it’s high time that you realize that your parents have been there and done that too! For many people it’s difficult to accept that your parents enjoy having sex, because you don’t want to envision them having sex, but you know that you enjoy it, so why would you think that they – BOTH OF THEM – didn’t? Or don’t???

Now, take that concept a step further and a bit sideways. Unless they have been traumatically abused or have a serious hormonal problem or physical damage to their genital area, women like sex as much as men, possibly more so, because they don’t need to “recharge” between orgasms, and many don't even need the orgasm to enjoy sex. Indeed, for most women, while they enjoy orgasms, it is the intimacy of sex they really need, so while the orgasm is the point of sex for the man, it is merely the end of sex for most women.

They also have the same naughty streak that we have, the one that makes us like dirty jokes, talk about sex with friends, fantasize about it, masturbate, etc. If you’re treating your wife as if sex is some kind of chore or duty for her instead of something she enjoys, it’s going to be just that, a chore, or even worse, an embarrassment that she feels because she doesn’t feel that you can accept her sexuality. That’s just wrong on so many levels…

You think not? Think again. In my own life, the dirtiest jokes I’ve ever heard have been told by women; not just trashy, rough women in some dive of a bar, but classy women that you’d think were Fortune 100 executives after spending a few minutes with them. When working as a business consultant, I often overheard conversations between women that rivaled anything you’d ever see in an adult sex film, not to mention tales of gas-passing that peeled the paint from the walls and other bodily functions, and about any other “coarse” behavior you would typically think to be distinctly male until you’d seen otherwise.

Women don’t just “let it all hang out” around men for reasons that make for too long a discussion to get into here (anticipated criticism, low self-esteem, survival instinct, protection of image to fit tradition, to name a few); most women have to be lead into naughtiness by a man to feel comfortable being naughty around him, the way many men wait to hear a woman swearing before swearing in front of her or waits for her to make the first move in sex, which are obviously bad ideas since women prefer to being lead over leading in nearly all cases.

There are differences between men and women, such as our communications methods and sophistication, that are readily recognized and overcome, but sexuality and naughtiness are not among them. We all enjoy both; the exceptions are very, VERY rare, and usually the result of some form of trauma or abuse, or some kind of sick religious or sexually bigoted oppression. Accept it, celebrate it, and you’ll both be a whole lot happier. It’s always easier to be yourself than what you think someone else wants you to be.

There’s a lot that you may not know about your partner, or women in general for that matter, that they want you to know and have probably been trying to tell you, but you’ve been either unable or unwilling to hear them. In either case, the result of such an error are fear, frustration, boredom, growing apart, fighting, wanting affairs, having affairs, getting caught in affairs, nasty divorces resulting from getting caught in affairs, celibacy, etc. Why put yourself through any of that? If you’re going through it now, there is a great way to stop it, and if you haven’t arrived there yet but realize that there is a reasonable chance that it could happen somewhere down the road, you’re far better off learning how to prevent it now than having to fix it later, right?

So what do you want to do? Are you one who prays, hopes and waits? Or one who takes action and makes things happen? If you’re one who takes action, here’s the action to take: learn how to assess yourself, your partner, and you relationship to know what needs to be done (even if exiting the relationship is the only thing you can do), how to communicate across the gender gap, and how to do that incredibly fun and sexy alpha male stuff that makes women, especially your partner, want to eat you alive. All you have to do is learn and then do what comes natural as a result of knowing; no acting, no stressing, no worrying about getting caught trying to pull something.

Life’s too short to spend it feeling and doing all those nasty things listed above that happen when a relationship starts cooling off, so don’t go through that. Go to and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" right now and start getting your relationship back on track – back in honeymoon mode – right now! And if you think you need a little practice or female feedback or perspective, drop by our forum,, and talk to the women there. They love to help a man “get it” because so few do!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham