Saturday, May 29, 2010

Why a Man Should Be Naughty, Not Nice, to Have a Great Relationship or Marriage

A male reader asks why his relationship is going to hell while he’s being the nicest, sweetest guy he can be. Let’s see if he likes – or even gets -- the answer!

I’m both proud of this reader and dismayed at his question. I’m proud because he’s asking a good question, albeit one that is probably answered on my web site home page at http://www.makingherhappy.com, but I’m not going to fault somebody for taking the direct approach to getting needed information! I’m also dismayed that his life has gone this sour this soon after marriage; it usually takes twice this long, but he does hint that he’s doubling as a “girlfriend” for his wife. Meet Roy:

Hi David,

I just signed up for your newsletter yesterday, and I’m guessing you’re either some sort of guru or a real idiot if you’ve published a book like your ad claims, so I have to ask a question. I’ve been married for a little over a year now, and my marriage has gone from being hot dates and great sex to one never-ending routine. I can’t get my wife interested in doing anything with me anymore. She’s told me I’m the nicest, most considerate guy she’s ever met, and likes it that I’m “in touch with my feminine side” as she calls it. We’ve been friends for years before getting married and get along fine, but the spark is gone. I’ve always heard that marriage is the surest way to kill the female libido known to science, but it’s not just her libido that has gone. I can’t even get her to go out to dinner with me anymore. I offer to let her choose the restaurant and everything, and she just won’t go for it. Is this the way it always goes, or am I missing some magical mystery ingredient? Help a brother out here!

Roy G.


My reply:

Well, Roy, you came to the right place for help, but I don’t know if you’re going to like the answer. It’s going to depend on how easily you can accept reality and adjust your attitude to match it. You see, you’ve been doing everything we men have been told to do all our lives, and it’s all wrong!!!

We grow up being told by our mothers, teachers and everybody else to be “nice” to women, to be considerate by letting them make all decisions, etc., and a lot of them even think they like it when a man does it if they’ve recently been with some abusive jerk who tried to control their life and didn’t even leave them room for input into a decision.

As you’ll find in my book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” it’s not a nice guy nor an abusive jerk that they really want and respond to, but a guy that’s in the middle, a guy who’s assertive without being controlling, confident, naughty without being an abusive jerk, and can at least grasp communications on a woman’s level even though he’s not wired with the equipment to be able to communicate on such a complex and sophisticated level. It’s love, respect, leadership, adventure and fun that they need, not somebody fawning over them and catering to their every whim, which all but a damaged few actually find boring and annoying.

I know it doesn’t sound right, but it’s a biological response, not a conscious or logical one, like her attraction mechanism is on autopilot, and women aren’t visually stimulated to attraction like men are, except to the extent that the sight of a man’s self-confidence and self-respect intrigues and excites them. Picture in your mind the ugliest, nastiest, smelliest old “ho” you can think of, and gauge your sexual reaction to that visual. There’s no changing it, either, is there? Well, to her, a boring nice guy who acts like a wuss and dumps all the decisions in her lap and doesn’t recognize her frustration with him acting that way is the same emotional picture as your mental image of that old “ho,” and her reaction is the same, and just as unavoidable, automatic, and if I may say so, violently sickening.

In a woman’s mind, nice guys are wusses; predictable pushovers that present no mystery, no challenge, and no strong self-image. Indeed, such men often appear to be trying to buy respect and affection because they can’t command it. The underlying thought is that if you can’t stand up TO her, you can’t stand up FOR her. And the idea of “easy pickings” being a problem shouldn’t be foreign to you, either; what do you pursue in your own life? The too-easy and boring, or the challenging and exciting? Pretty clear when you stand in another’s shoes, huh?

Obviously, since I had to write a whole book on the subject to cover it, I can’t tell you how to fix your problems in a few paragraphs of a daily newsletter. Your best bet right now, since you’re already in trouble, is to go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download the book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and start reading. Once you have a command of what you need to know, you’ll find it easy, and to some degree automatic, to get your attitude right and put what you’ve learned into practice. Procrastination is the tool of losers, and action the tool of achievers, so get busy! Life’s too short to spend another minute of it losing!

Take care, and keep in touch,
David


What else can I say? If the problem sounds familiar, the solution is the same. If you think not, stop by our forum at http://forum.makingherhappy.com and see what some of the nice guys have said and how they’ve grown since. Get busy! And get happy!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, May 28, 2010

The First and Most Important Step in Having or Saving a Great Relationship and Marriage

The first step in any great relationship of any kind is being well matched. If you are not well-matched, you may be able to survive together, but the odds of being happy together are slim to none; if you are, you’ll find you can conquer about anything! Unfortunately, some couples live in misery for years without ever asking this most fundamental and necessary of all relationship questions! This is one of those “must read” issues, so dig in…

Today I want to talk more about something that seems to be so logical that it would be self-evident to all, but obviously is not practiced by many, the first step in having a great relationship. We touched on this in a previous issue of this newsletter, concerning what to do if your wife is with another man, and you should read that issue if you missed it. I try to go through this every few months because there are so many new people coming in and everyone needs to see it.

Those of you who have been banging your head against the wall after receiving advice from someone claiming that “any relationship can be saved regardless of circumstances” will want to pay particular attention to this issue, because this edition may be addressing your biggest relationship or marriage problem. And if people are going so far as to call you a “quitter,” or “loser,” because you’re tired of fighting a losing battle for a lost cause and can’t see how it can end well for anyone, you’ll not only want to read this, but share it with them, to at least get them off your back and possibly even help them get in touch with reality.

Men and women both get married for a lot of really bad reasons. If you’d like to participate in a quick study of them, I have a poll up on our forum asking why men got married the first time. Stop by and vote, check the tallies, and prowl around a bit, because there’s a lot of good information and friendship to be had and you’re missing it all. Registration is free and anonymous, your information is never shared, the search engines can’t find what you post, and there are a hundred other good reasons to join us that I don’t have time or space to list right now, so just do it and you’ll see what I mean. Now prepare yourself to receive a universal truth:

That first and most crucial step in any great relationship or marriage is being well-matched to your partner.

Yes, some of you are right now saying, “Duh!” but others are saying, “but can’t you learn to love someone?” Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Here are the facts and truth of the matter:

When you first meet someone, the emotion that pulls you together is either attraction or need (or in rare cases lust, but lust is seldom responsible for keeping two people together long enough to get married, unless they’re incredibly reckless or needy), which are both independent of love; indeed, need is in fact mutually exclusive of love – you cannot love someone that you need, because (in a nutshell) need actually makes you resent them as the object of your dependence, and fear their power to leave and remove the thing you need from your life. Fear is a partner to hatred, not love.

Love can only come later, when you’ve had a chance to discover your compatibility, which is the basis of love. “Love at first sight” is poetic nonsense, an allusion to attraction, not love. Attraction can happen at first sight, as can need and lust, but not love, because you can’t just see someone, know that compatibility exists in that instant, and be motivated to love. And this lack of understanding has ruined more lives than you can imagine.

This in itself is a complex and difficult concept for most to embrace, and if you find yourself wanting to argue with it, see Lesson 3 in my free “Break-Up Busting 101” report, entitled “Love, Need, Lust and Attraction – Do YOU Know the Difference?” or skip to the similarly-titled section of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” and gain an effective understanding, because it is both factual and crucial. We’ll address need first because it’s easier to see, then we’ll get into attraction and love.

Need never develops into love, and sooner or later, the other person (unless they are hopelessly codependent) gets tired of neediness and moves on. There is nothing you can do about this, especially telling them that you need them and can’t live without them. That is the very drain, pressure, and stress that they are trying to get away from, and your fight for independence is going to take too long for them to wait around for you to complete it, if you can; most truly needy people, those who would be called parasites because they take from their partners without giving anything significant in return, spend their life moving from host to host because it’s just easier for them to find a new host than to evolve into a non-needy person of independence.

In short, if the person you are with is telling you it’s over because you are too needy, take the hint and grow up, become self-supporting and independent, and you’ll find that people enjoy being around you for the long term. Make no mistake, fighting this break-up is only going to make things worse, because you are severely mismatched; a chronically needy person cannot coexist with an independent person who resents neediness. You got away with it for awhile because you were somehow charming, physically attractive, wealthy, funny, or something else that was temporarily endearing, but now that the cat is out of the bag and it’s known that you’re a needy wuss, you have two options: find another host or evolve so that you can enjoy another’s company instead of needing it. It’s harsh, but it’s really just that simple.

Someone asked once why I didn’t talk about a case wherein the woman is the needy one. I didn’t because I didn’t realize how common it might be for a man to be trying to save a relationship with such a woman, wherein he is independent and she is the needy one. But lo and behold, I have run across them, and the “cognitive dissonance” within the men is overwhelming. They fight between wanting to get away from the stress of being stuck with a needy person and wanting to try to “salvage their investment in their marriage.” The truth is that for many, their protector circuit comes alive and they are driven rather than making a conscious choice, even to the point of self-destruction.

The only hope for you if you are in this case is to help your wife understand that what she is feeling is need, not love, and that she needs to develop some self-esteem before she can love either of you. Try to help her develop some self-esteem, and if she insists on living in denial (“Why can’t you just love me as I am?” and such questions are infallible evidence of such a problem) in spite of your efforts to get her to acknowledge her problem, seek counseling, etc., you have two choices: Get out or go down with a sinking ship. You can either lead her out of it, put up with it, or leave, and you won’t be able to lead her as long as she’s in denial. ‘Nuff said.

Now, on to the more complex case, where attraction was the reason for you to come together. Once attraction has brought you together and you’ve had your initial episode of “physical exploration and gratification,” there should be a period where you get to know each other, find that you have common interests, philosophies, values, etc., and come to value each other – love develops. This is the source of the friendship, respect, loyalty and commitment required for long-term relationships to survive, while attraction is where all the fun, excitement, and energy come from. There are several possible scenarios that arise from the various permutations of these two emotions between two people.

The most obvious two are having both love and attraction, in which case you can be together happily and feel like you’re in a never-ending honeymoon (the ideal situation, right? And it can be sustained for a lifetime if you are aware of its requirements and constituents and hold out to find and have it, and we’ll get back to this in a few minutes), and having neither love nor attraction, after events have eliminated them both, in which case the relationship must end, because even though lost attraction can usually be easily rekindled, lost love just doesn’t happen. Peoples’ values and personalities just don’t naturally move radically away from some baseline and then go back there.

The other two are a bit trickier to deal with. We’ll talk about the harder of the two first, the case in which love is lost but attraction survives. It is common for people under tremendous pressure that they ultimately cannot handle, and they degrade themselves somehow. They could then become a loser, maybe a criminal or spouse abuser, and/or possibly a substance abuser, but they still project the personality traits that trip attraction triggers.

This would typically be a marriage that started out like a storybook romance, but currently one spouse is drunk or high all the time after losing a loved one, a business, or career, etc. They have lost their self-love, self-esteem, and self-respect, but have still managed to somehow remain fun, funny, authoritative, somehow sexy, or intriguing, or something that holds the other spouse’s attention. You can’t base a great relationship on nothing but sex, jokes, and parties, and you can’t “fix” somebody else, especially someone who won’t admit there is a problem and doesn’t want to fix anything.

Your only choices with such a relationship are to either get this person some professional help so that they can be redeemed or move on. Again, it sounds harsh, but statistically and historically, this is reality, and if they won’t get help, moving on is your only option; having once loved someone is no reason to go down with a sinking ship that refuses to be repaired. That’s martyrdom, the ultimate form of sacrifice, the trading of valuable life for nothing of value at all, not love.

The last possibility is the one I like dealing with the most, where love is still alive and healthy, but attraction has failed; you’re in the “friends column” but nobody else has created attraction in your partner and she still loves you, but is bored and vulnerable. In the dating world, lost attraction nearly always means that you blew it and you just move on immediately, because the other person already has; the window for creating attraction opens once, and very briefly, period. However, when you’ve been together for long enough for attraction to fade, you develop a vested interest in keeping the relationship alive. You acquire memories, security, a mortgage and property, and usually children, which motivate you to try to work things out. Hence, the window that closes in seconds in the dating world can be open for months or even years when you're committed.

Men are generally pretty easy when it comes to attraction. We’re attracted mostly to physical appearance and seductive talk and actions, and if attraction is lost and must be recreated, women seldom have to do any more than correct whatever major issues have developed with their appearance, if any, and act like a woman; self-respect and self-love in a woman are among the sexiest things a man can behold, and they cause the things that trip men’s attraction triggers, such as being height-weight proportionate, good grooming and posture, smiling, having fun, etc. Drama and depression are big turn-offs to men, but both tend to disappear when a woman feels attraction for a man.

Women aren’t so easy though. Physical appearance barely makes them curious, and then only for a short while, and that curiosity can be destroyed in an instant by any non-alpha male behavior, such as deferring decisions, approval-seeking or trying to impress them, being lazy or boring, etc.

That’s not to say that it’s impossible, or even difficult, to rekindle attraction. Indeed, if you have the right information to work from, it has been proven to happen in less than a week to a sufficient degree to halt the signing of divorce papers already prepared and move an estranged spouse back into the family home. This is the failing relationship that you fight for, even if there has been an affair, because love is not so easy to find and to earn, and a physical affair – which virtually always happens out of boredom and means absolutely nothing unless you choose to assign meaning to it – is no reason whatsoever to abandon a proven love.

Yes, I said that, and I’m about to say it another way: a one-time physical “fling” that happened out of boredom is not proof of lost love, nor a sign of disloyalty or disrespect. It’s an unfortunate and very STUPID thing that happens when two people can’t or just don’t effectively communicate with each other and allow their attraction to fade, nothing more, and nothing less. I’m not saying that the person who does it is stupid; I’m saying that it’s ridiculous that people will let their problems go to the point that this happens before realizing there is a problem and trying to fix it.

If you’re sitting on the couch with a beer and the TV remote every night while your partner is doing something else, and you’re part of that statistic that says that the average mature couple (mature meaning having been together, married or not, for two years or more) has sex six times per year (yes, that’s once every two months on average), trouble’s not just coming, it’s HERE!

And, there’s no sense waiting for it to get that bad before taking action; a good relationship is far easier to maintain than it is to fix if it gets broken, right? What you need is a plan for evaluating and then fixing and/or maintaining it and the knowledge required to empower you to do that. Luckily for you, it’s already been figured out, tested, proven, and published, and it can be yours in the next few minutes.

It’s called “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” you can download it right now at http://www.makingherhappy.com, and it’s working for everyone who’s used it. Don’t make things rougher on yourself than they have to be by waiting. Do it now, and do it for keeps, because life is too short to do it any other way.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, May 27, 2010

An Eye-Opening Confession About Bad Relationships and Marriage from the Comfortably Unhappy

One of your fellow readers offers a compelling confession of her 15 years of being comfortably unhappy – nearly half her lifetime! Look to see if you see any part of yourself in her confession…

A very dear friend in London wrote to me confessing having spent nearly half her life in this condition before she finally broke free of her husband, a philandering, abusive, substance-abusing codependent wussy parasite who thought her purpose in life was to provide for him and his was to take advantage of it. Meet Heather:

David....sorry but I read your lesson about “Comfortably Unhappy”
and do you realise that was me for a long time before I contacted you, comfortably unhappy? You could use me as a perfect example of how not to do what I did and waste years of your life.

I was evaluating how long I was truly unhappy and you know what I came up with..............I was with [him] for 15 years.......at 7 years I had an affair with an older man (gosh how I wish I'd run away then, but things wouldn't have led me to the other things I have today, like my career, if I'd done that, so it’s ok really!!) and I'd been miserable for a good year before that so and the friendship with the guy had been growing through that time where we were meeting each other in a plutonic way before we got it on so to speak and that means I was comfortably unhappy for 8 years David......why I stuck it for so long I do not know and all that happened is things got worse and worse even after I stayed after the affair as his possessive controlling behaviour escalated so how do we explain why people dont 'wake up' to what's going on for so long.............

I mean I didn't properly think about leaving when I was caught in the affair at that time it was easier to stay in the comfy situation than change everything, and I felt awful for the hurt I'd caused [my ex] despite the fact I knew the reason I had done it was because I was being taken for granted and treated like a maid even back then. Is that weird or what?!!

I think after embracing the change I had this time I'd be the first one to say if you’re not happy, run! Do whatever it takes! Just don’t waste life.

Life is a precious gift that is far too short already and the only thing I have grieved for through all of this isn't my failed marriage or my lost childhood love/sweetheart. It’s my wasted years of my life that I cannot ever get back, years literally spent being comfortable but unsatisfied and unhappy in every way.

Do you think if people realised how much you actually kick yourself afterwards they would wake up and sort out their own situations now, rather than waiting and waiting and watching the years of their life ticking away until they can't take it anymore?!!!!

Just my thoughts on the newsletter and if you want to use any of them feel free.......

Heather


Guys, it’s no different for us. We get in a rut, we spend years seeking a woman’s approval, or looking to her for our self-esteem when we should be looking to ourselves and she has none of her own, let alone any to give us. We mistakenly think that things get stale and boring because that’s the way they are supposed to be, and that’s the price we pay for sex, and then the sex stops, too, but we look at the calendar and think that we’re better off putting up with it and having an occasional affair than to give up half or more of everything we’ve earned and a big chunk of our future earnings to get out of it and have a life. What a load of crap that turns out to be!

For starters, unless you are with some kind of parasite or predator, or someone with whom you are grossly mismatched and never should have married, life doesn’t have to be like that at all. The truth is that she probably got bored at the same time you did, or even before, if she’s like most women, and would love for things to be fun and exciting again. Women are nesting creatures, right?

They don’t like crises that cause major changes in their life (like divorce!) any more than we do, even though you will see them craving the adrenaline it causes to combat their eternally-tormenting boredom. It is foolish, not to mention catastrophic, to let a little drama convince you that the average woman would destroy her household and her marriage just to get a little adrenaline rush. According to the best information I’ve been able to find, only one in two thousand is that insanely damaged. And there are several very intelligent women on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, that will verify this and anything else for you, if you’ll do nothing more than just drop by and ask them.

And no, it’s not easier to have an affair than to fix things with your wife if you have the foundation of a good marriage. That’s a myth that I’d like to strangle somebody for propagating, not because I think everybody should be married, but because it’s simply not true and has ruined so many marriages that could have been fixed. What does it take?

It doesn’t take much at all! It takes knowing whether you have the foundation for a good relationship, which is a matter of answering a few questions that I have for you. It takes knowing how you and your wife differ as man and woman, and using those differences to enhance your relationship instead of allowing them to remain points of contention, competition, and frustration.

It takes learning three simple rules that govern all communication with a woman, and using them to hear things she’s been telling you for years that you never knew you were being told. It takes shedding the “nice guy” programming that you’re drowning in, and getting back to being the “real guy” that your Y-chromosome has set you up to be, strong, competent, fun, and feeling good about yourself.

It’s the easiest process a man can go through, because it’s a return from your current unnatural self to your natural self, and a process that gives you the answer to questions you’ve spent a lifetime thinking you’d never see answered, like “What do women really want?” and “What makes women tick?” not to mention “Why did she just get mad at me for answering her question???”

So what do you say? Are you comfortably unhappy? Are you ready to learn things you never thought possible to know and enjoy your life – and your wife – like you never thought possible? Start the new year right! Go now, right now, before you do another thing, to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and see just how easy enjoying a great life can be!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

What Men Can Learn from Women's Problems in Relationships and Marriage

A woman responds to the very recent “Girls and Their Toys” article, saying that she’s tired of suppressing her desire and being insulted for her husband’s inadequacies. Join us, and learn…

I haven’t mentioned it for awhile, but about a third of my newsletter readers and book purchasers are women; this has been surprisingly and delightfully consistent since the beginning. Some women are just curious, others want to keep tabs on what men are being told, some are looking for the drama of an argument, others for validation, and my favorites, the real achievers, are looking at advice to men on how to be the best man to help them form a picture of their own perfect man and develop relationship criteria to use in their own life. If only everyone were that organized and deliberate when it came to choosing a life partner!

These women have provided an endless stream of questions, ideas for research and newsletters, and constant confirmation that what I am advising you gentlemen to do is what will work. I want to thank you ladies for participating, both personally and on behalf of the male readers of my newsletter, blog posts and "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and ask you to not only continue to participate, but to hang a note on “the girly grapevine” inviting your friends to join us.

I mention this because a woman posted a comment on my blog (when I ran this article a year ago) regarding the recent article about girls and their toys. Her comment smacks of irony in a role reversal of stereotypes; she is the dissatisfied one and her husband is being non-responsive and defensive, and it’s a lesson that all men need to learn from. Meet M.:

David,

You hit the mark every time. I wish my husband would read your newsletters. I put him on your mailing list but I can’t make him take your very excellent advice. I'm so totally frustrated with my man, I am at a loss. We have had a few very tough years and I decided to really stick it out. I often wonder what I could do to make him crave me like he once did. We might have sex once or twice a month and it’s not that great. I have really suppressed my wild sex kitten flirty ways because I have been insulted too many times with comments like, "that’s all you care about". What can I do??? HELP!

M.

Gentlemen, watch the “back side” of this conversation and see how much of your own problems and potential solutions might be found here. In what I’m about to tell “M” lie many potential clues to reasons for things that have happened in your own life, and you may well learn more from my advice to M than M does, depending on your situation and experiences.

Hi M.,

I would have answered you privately by e-mail before posting this publicly but the one downside to blogs is that private communication is not possible, and I’m guessing you realized that before posting on a blog. There are a few things we need to talk about.

First, (and this goes for everybody else, too!) don’t sign somebody up for my newsletter or anyone else’s. Aside from ticking them off and having them report the newsletter provider as a spammer, it’s too impersonal, too indirect for a man to appreciate, and it won’t be taken seriously as anything but nagging. If you see something in a newsletter that you want your partner to read, print it, hand it to them, and tell them that you want them to read it because it expresses something that is important to you and that you want them to know but have been ineffective at communicating to them. Highlight or underline the parts that are most important to you to show that you’ve put thought, time, and effort into it.

Don’t walk away, wait for them to finish, even if you have to tell them that you need for them to do it immediately before they begin to read. Remember that men speak and need to be spoken to with what most women would consider downright brutal directness (not mean-spirited, but so bluntly as to leave no room at all for interpretative leeway) most of the time.

This is not a time that you can do what women normally do and ask a question to make a statement or make a statement to ask a question. It’s one of those times that you must be so direct as you would be with a very small child, not because he’s stupid, but because we men just can’t communicate that way (until we’ve read "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage") and your margin for error here is near zero.

That brings me to the next point. He may not be as naturally sexually aggressive as you due to hormone levels, but a man with a low drive can still be excited and enticed into sex if he’s not stressed about it. The insults you speak of are a sign of frustration, and based on encounters with hundreds of couples on this subject, the source of his frustration could very well be from his inability to connect verbally with you when you try to talk to him about this. What to you feels like a discussion, or more likely, a negotiation, feels to him like nagging, because he just can’t hear what you’re saying.

You can’t express to him that you want more intimacy with him by asking him if he thinks everything is okay with your sex life. That’s the way a woman typically tries to enter such a discussion, and when a man hears a question like that, he doesn’t hear your statement that you have a problem that you want to discuss, he hears a request for information. He very likely said, “It’s fine,” or something like that, and left you feeling like he had shut you down and didn’t want to discuss it.

So being a good wife, you let a little time pass, tried to catch him in a better mood, and did it again, same response, same result, except this time he’s already answered the question, and the repeat comes across as a bit insecure and nagging, and the seeds of frustration are sewn. From this point on, the more you tried to talk with him about it, the more frustrated and defensive he got, until he started insulting you to try to keep you from bringing it up any more.

His frustration isn’t that you want sex, it’s that you “nag” him about it – there is never a discussion that resolves anything and brings achievement and closure to the issue, and to a man, that’s a thorn in his side; we live to resolve problems, not explore them. So you see, the problem is most likely not his libido, but your and his combined communications deficit. Neither of you is hearing what the other is trying to say.

Until you can get him to read a book like "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and learn to talk with you and listen to you closer to your own level, you’re going to have to try to talk with him on his, which is easier because it’s more primal, but is unnatural and may feel very odd to you. You have to be very direct with him, asking questions when you want to know something and making statements when you want to say something, because right now, like 99.9% of the heterosexual men in the world, that’s all he knows and is capable of; it’s what he was born with and has lived with all his life.

And let me be perfectly clear on this point: when I say “very direct” I do not mean stern or in any way belligerent. I simply mean exactly what I said earlier, use questions to ask questions and statements to make statements, speaking even what you may think is the obvious, just as you would with a preschool child, but do not treat him like a preschool child, nor adopt any kind of motherly tone as you talk. He’s not a child; his communication infrastructure and protocols are simply similar to a child’s, less evolved than your own and he has no frame of reference to understand yours.

Tell him that you want to talk to resolve a problem that you have not been able to communicate adequately, and you think you can do a better job of it now because you have a better understanding of what his needs may be. Men are all about problem solving, and you’ll have his attention, especially if he thinks it will put an end to what he perceives as nagging.

DO NOT dramatize. When speaking to a man, saying something once is enough. Nearly all of us get it the first time through, and find repeats very stressful and annoying; it agitates us in the same way that being bored agitates you. Tell him what you want and need, very bluntly, and listen to what he has to say on the subject.

As far as seduction, men are very much visually stimulated with regard to attraction, but we vary somewhat with regard to seduction. Some of us like to take it very slow, almost like women, savoring anticipation, while others like just to be pounced upon or like to pounce upon our women, playfully and for no apparent reason except intimate fun. What you must find out is what is sexually fun and satisfying to him, and unlike most women, most men will speak very directly about it or very openly and aggressively demonstrate it.

Don’t be afraid to coach him to meet your needs while you’re “in the act,” but don’t do it in a way that makes him feel incompetent or stressed into “performance anxiety.” It’s often easier to do it with gestures than words, guiding his body where you want it. Couples often find that their partner’s excitement makes them excited, so just let it all hang out and see where it takes you. Sex isn’t an act or a destination, but a journey, even a grand epic adventure if you allow it to be so.


Your first step on that adventure is to diffuse your husband’s frustration over your communications problems, because as things are now, he has come to associate sex with nagging and communications frustration instead of the carnal pleasures that your naughty “feline” side wants to give him. Once that is handled, the rest should be easy as long as you can keep the communications lines open and keep your problem-solving in a tone of exploration instead of finger-pointing, because allowing your “sex kitten flirty ways” to come back into the picture will then be exciting for him (and you!) as it once was, although you may have to learn how to present an image of being a little more hard to get to ignite his natural desire to chase you. If you’re too available, you may be taken for granted, just like a man who never gives his wife a chance to rise to the challenge of seducing him.

And incidentally, whatever you do, NEVER ask him why he isn’t erect, or what’s taking so long if he’s having a problem “rising to the occasion.” That is the surest way to create performance anxiety of sufficient degree to ensure that he won’t become erect, and will leave both of you frustrated. If it’s an on-going problem, it may be nothing related to you, his attitude, or any of the obvious causes; it may indeed be declining thyroid or adrenal function resulting in low testosterone levels. Have him see a doctor, and make sure the doctor looks for the cause and tries to cure it instead of just writing him a prescription for a chemical aid for becoming erect.

The hormonal deficiencies that cause that kind of problem have other severe aspects, including weight gain, diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart attack, so it is imperative that at a minimum his serum testosterone levels are checked, and if they are low, push the doctor to find the cause instead of just prescribing supplemental hormone cream, as it’s all inter-related.

Indeed, supplemental testosterone without another drug to prevent the conversion of that testosterone to estrogen (like Arimidex) to prevent effeminizing and a third drug (a gonadotropin) to keep his testicles from atrophying can make a man even worse, and most endocrinologists apparently have no clue about this. I myself have a thyroid problem, and have had to become and expert on the subject of endocrinology because I have yet to find a physician who is or wants to be. I highly recommend starting at http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/ to get the facts, because thanks to the pharmaceutical companies, the physicians of the world don’t have them.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David


So Gentlemen, what could you learn from this lady’s problems?

For starters, how about that women have a lot of the same drives, needs, and desires that we do, and just as much trouble expressing them to us as we have expressing ours to them?

How about that they get frustrated just like we do over the same things that frustrate us?

How about that they know as little about us as we know about them?

How about that our differences can be very complimentary if we learn what they are and how they work and choose to put them to work for our mutual benefit instead of resenting them and competing to see who is going to change to meet the other’s expectations in an all-or-nothing scenario?

How about that your partner may have been trying for years to tell you something that you really want and need to know about her, something that could make your life together truly wonderful, and you never heard it? And because of that, you may have spent years fighting over the same frustrating issues, each of you thinking that the other was just being a nag or an inconsiderate jerk, when in fact you are both “functionally deaf” to each other.

It doesn’t take a lot to fix these problems. Genuine desire, a little patience, and good information will do the trick. If you don’t think so, drop by our forum at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/ and see for yourself just how quickly a man can evolve from a wuss to a man who loves his life and demands the best of himself and the others in his life. It’s utterly amazing to read some of the exchanges between these men and me, not to mention my cadre of gurus and women.

Unlike a lot of problems, once these are fixed they are extremely unlikely to come back, because maintaining the solution is fun, enjoyable, and even intimate, and feels so good that you’ll automatically keep doing what works. It’s one of the few ways in which you can make life simpler yet more exciting and enjoyable at the same time!

You provide the desire and the patience, and I’ll provide the information, in my book "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," which you can download at http://www.makingherhappy.com/. It’s been tested and proven, and coupled with your desire and effort, it will get you where you want to go and beyond, so get started right now, because life’s too short to wait.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Personal Responsibility and Abundance Mentality: Great Tools for Great Relationships and Marriage

One of the cornerstones of creating attraction is leadership, and the hallmark of leadership is personal responsibility. Let’s talk…

I was reading one of
Shelley McMurtry’s newsletters (which you can sign up for here – she talks a lot about dating and provides some great insight into the female point of view and priorities in relationships and may be something you’ll enjoy) and she was talking about something a lot of us refer to as “perceived reality,” which is a phrase used to describe a condition where a person’s outlook on the world is inconsistent with reality because of how they have chosen to construe certain events.

An example she was using was a common one, people who have a few bad dates or bad relationships and give up, presenting the reason for their cowardice as “all men are bad,” or “all women are bad,” or “relationships just suck and aren’t worth the hassle.” She also told of a friend who has been married to a man who just got lazy, started spending all of her income and savings, and she ended up kicking him out, but instead of developing the “all men are lazy bums” mentality or “perceived reality,” she took responsibility for her situation, acknowledged that she had made a bad choice, took corrective action (kicked him out) and went on with her life.

It dawned on me in the course of reading this that what we (several of us newsletter and e-book writers) had been referring to as “perceived reality” was actually the product of a failure to take personal responsibility for one’s life, and I wrote to Shelley about it. I want to share that letter with you, and point out how you can use this to enrich your life and your relationship afterward.

Hi Shelley!

I wanted to thank you again for introducing me and my e-book to your readers, and to lodge a comment on this "perceived reality" concept that I think that you and many of your readers will appreciate.

Like you, I differentiate between "perceived reality" and plain, simple reality. However, we are both being too kind when we refer to it as "perceived reality," because it is indeed not at all perceived, but contrived by people who refuse to accept reality.

Perception is the process of the sensory organs of the body doing what they do, nothing more. The American Heritage Dictionary defines "perceive" as "1. To become aware of directly through any of the senses, especially sight or hearing. 2. To achieve understanding of; apprehend." What we have been referring to as "perceived reality" is actually a fantasy that people manufacture when they interpret their perception and choose to reject what their sensory organs pick up and conduct to their brain.

What's worse, they expect everyone around them to validate their fantasy by buying in! As you've noticed, every time you tell someone something factual and they come back at you with "BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" they're trying to force some fantasy on you to the extent that you either buy in or give them a superficial sanction or validation just to shut them up and get them out of your face.

What differentiates such people (like the prissy butt-nuggets you speak of) from us and your friend the university professor with the ranch is that we acknowledge that reality is what it is and take personal responsibility for functioning within it, where these other morons and losers take no responsibility for anything. They can be spotted from a great distance, or at least heard from a great distance, because they share the same pet phrases, like "Well it looks like it ought to..." "Well people say that..." "Well, it's generally conceded that..." "All men/women are..." and my favorite, "But I'm ONLY human." Such phrases are the leper's bell of an approaching loser butt-nugget who will not get with the program but expects you to get with it for them.

Personal responsibility not only allows, but compels a person to assess their situation and take steps to improve it. Those who take personal responsibility see the world around them and mold it to suit them through action; they don't need to fabricate some fantasy to validate their pathetic excuses.

That's what being human is about, and why we are at the top of the food chain of all life on this planet. Being human is not something for which we should apologize; it's something to which we should aspire! And reality, for all its punishment and rewards, is the court in which our achievements or lack thereof are judged.

Take care,
David Cunningham


Can you see where personal responsibility works in your favor, and failure to take it works against you? No woman will feel love, respect, or attraction for a man who can’t take personal responsibility for his life, at least not for long. A man who doesn’t value his own life enough to take responsibility for it will make it plain that he can be nothing more than a dependent, and never a partner.

A woman’s maternal drive may engage and try to nurture such a man, but she will also be “wearing the pants in the family,” and in her eyes, he will be no more than a weak, grab-asstic adolescent slacker, definitely not a candidate for intimacy or capable of creating attraction for her. Eventually she will get bored and look outside the marriage for relief from that boredom, and it won’t matter if it’s before or after the divorce, because she will feel justified and entitled.

Compare this to a man who does take personal responsibility. Like the butt-nugget (Shelley’s term for a person who doesn’t take personal responsibility), his situation is of his own making, but the man who takes responsibility will use that situation to define his options in achieving his goals and go after them, not just in his relationship, but in all aspects of his life. His bearing will be confident and heroic, where the slacker’s will be victim-like. I’ll give you a guess as to which one creates attraction and which one has the woman secretly (or even overtly) looking at the online personals and smiling at strangers.

(Men, the same applies to women, with a slight twist. If a woman refuses to take personal responsibility for her life, it can engage a man’s “protector mechanism,” and cause him to think he needs to “save” her. Never allow yourself to fall into this trap; any woman worth having doesn’t need saving. Those who need saving can’t be saved, and will only suck you dry like any other parasite and then move on to their next host.)

I’ll also give you a guess as to which one sees opportunity as seizes it and which one sees opportunity and says, “But what if it doesn’t work?” Or even worse, “I wish I could do that.” Which of those two guys is going to go the farthest in his career? Have the most friends? Have the most fun? Have the best marriage? Yep, you guessed it. And BAM! That thought just opened another door!

Do you recall (if you’ve been with me for awhile) me (or maybe John Alanis if you’ve been in the dating world recently, or any one of many motivational speakers) mentioning “scarcity mentality”?

Scarcity mentality is a state of seeing everything in your life as limited and scarce. It makes you hang onto a bad relationship, bad job, etc., because a bad one is better than none at all, where an abundance mentality is a state of seeing everything as a journey to better and better things, knowing that you can create your opportunities and do what is necessary to reach your goals.

Take two people, one with a scarcity mentality and one with an abundance mentality, and give them ten thousand dollars. The one with scarcity mentality will live in fear of losing his money, and will most likely spend it on things that bring him no real value rather than risk losing it, or will never spend it and enjoy it because he’s too busy keeping his options open to ever exercise one of them.

However, the one with the abundance mentality will see the opportunities that cash presents, and use it to make even more money, and will reach financial independence if he is diligent in the conduct of his business, or if someone manages to steal it from him or his market takes an unexpected turn against him, he will say, “Wow! Now I know how to do this right, and can protect myself from it next time. I’m going to raise capital and try it again!”

A lesser man might make it that far, but when faced with failure, have scarcity sneak in on him and cause him to decide, “Well, I’m just not cut out for this, and any business I start is going to fail, so I’m just going to not bother trying again.”

That same thing happens in relationships. People take responsibility, have a great relationship for a while, things go sour for some unexpected reason, and in a fit of emotional weakness, they say, “Well, I had the wool pulled over my eyes, and relationships aren’t worth it after all,” instead of just acknowledging the reality that either they made a mistake or their partner did, or maybe even both of them, and sitting down to discuss it and making repairs to the relationship or exiting to find a better one.

We could explore this subject for hours and still never talk about all of the ramifications of personal responsibility, the lack of it, and the effects of scarcity and abundance mentalities, but instead, I’m going to leave you with this to ponder and search your own life for the answer:

Personal responsibility coincides with abundance mentality, and a lack of personal responsibility coincides with scarcity mentality. It’s consistent, but is there a single cause-and-effect relationship, or does the door swing both ways, meaning, will taking personal responsibility induce an abundance mentality and will an abundance mentality also induce personal responsibility?

Ask the same questions of lack of responsibility and scarcity, and send me your thoughts on all of the above by replying to this newsletter. The point of the exercise is to help you identify ways to improve your life and relationship as well as traps that may cause you to get sucked into a pattern of thought and behavior that could rob you of everything you love before you know what happened. We’ve been having some discussions about this on our forum as well; come join us at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/.

If your own relationship is in anything less than the best condition it could be in, which is highly unlikely or you wouldn’t be reading this, you have an opportunity right now to take personal responsibility for it, regardless of fault, blame, or any of the other tools of the guilt-inducing parasite, and start making your relationship what best suits your life. You can take on the mentality of abundance with a single simple choice to see that things can be better and you can make them so, to see everything you want as an opportunity instead of a deficit.

If you do, the first step you need to take is to jump over to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and get your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," where you will find everything you need to get your attitude in order, your relationship skills assessed and up to par, and get your relationship assessed and fixed (or replaced with one that works, if you’re one of the unfortunate ones in a destructive relationship). Take it now, because life is far too short to spend it doing, living and being anything less than the best and happiest you can, and this is your ticket to success.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, May 24, 2010

More About Getting the Right Mix in Relationships and Marriage: Get Your "Guy" On, and Let's Have Some Fun!

Let’s talk some more about “getting the right mix,” with a great example from a TV advertisement…

Today’s lesson was going to be about the proper use of the telephone in “getting the right mix” to build attraction in a woman instead of destroying it, but, I have to tell you about a television commercial that should have a newsletter dedicated to it, and I’m doing that instead for today.

The Stanley Tool Company has a commercial about it’s “Fat Max” retractable tape measures, and it is not only hilarious, it’s a perfect example of guys just being guys and having fun doing it, one of those very necessary components of creating attraction for a woman.

In the commercial, the scene is on the ground at a high-rise building construction site, everybody in hard hats and tool belts, testosterone so thick you could probably drown in it. Two guys face off, extending their tapes out about ten feet in front of them, and one is leaned back on an appliance cart while the other is scooped up in a wheelbarrow, and their coworkers wheel them toward each other at high speed in a joust! (Turn your speakers on and up!)





You can view it
here if the embedded frame is not playing for you.

Stanley’s point is that their wider tape will stand out under more gravity and stress than the other guy’s, but what struck me the most about that commercial was what the guys were doing. They were having fun, just being guys! Being creative, having a friendly competition, taking full advantage of their environment, tools, etc.

Some women might see a thing like that and “get it” and join in the fun, either actively or as cheerleaders, while others think “Oh, how stupid!” BUT, very few of them could resist the urge to want to somehow join in the fun, because they hate being left out of anything, especially something that is obviously creating an emotional rush. If nothing else, they’d feel compelled to watch, even if they were shaking their heads the entire time. Why? Remember that “boredom” thing we’ve been talking about, their worst enemy of all and definitely the archenemy of your relationship? Living vicariously through our emotions is just as good to them as their own, because it ignites their emotions quickly.

So what exactly can we extract from this hilarious TV commercial that will help you in your quest to light a fire under your wife and get her deeply and aggressively involved in having a great relationship with you? I’ll bet it’s more than you think at first glance…

First, take a lesson from the guys about having fun. Don’t apologize for being a man, CELEBRATE IT! And make sure you don’t fall prey to that ancient maneuver where a woman induces you to give up your guy friends, your favorite hobby items (“boy toys”) like hot rods or motorcycles, etc., because she feels as if she’s competing with them.

BOOM! That was the sound of you or a man somewhere close to you reading that paragraph and stepping on a land mine. I did NOT just say that you have license to be financially irresponsible and go out and buy a bunch of “boy toys” you can’t afford, nor did I say that the only reason a woman might ask you to give up something is because she doesn’t like the competition. We have to keep things in balance, remember?

If you still have your “toys,” and they pose no imminent threat to your family, then by all means you should keep them, but if you’re into drag racing, crash your car once a year, and your wife announces she’s pregnant with your first child and it’s time to limit the dangers in your life for the sake of your child’s future, then you need to talk about finding a new outlet for your drag racing passion, like building the engine and hiring a driver.

If you already gave up your “toys,” you should bring them back into your life if and as you are able to afford them. Creating a financial strain is bad enough when it’s for survival items, and you may induce her to leave by adding a strain just for toys.

And what about her? Using the pregnancy scenario again, if she suggests selling a hot rod to finance the building of a nursery because money will be too tight if you don’t, then you have to look at that idea with due respect and run some honest and accurate numbers, but if she wants you to sell your hot rod to finance her upgrade from a perfectly good, late model Toyota Camry to a Lexus instead of her getting a job or kicking in something of her own, that’s a trap, and a test, and giving in establishes you as a wuss at best and a jugular vein to hang on and suck dry at worst.

As far as your guy friends, I’m talking about real friends, not just people who hang around because they don’t have anything better to do. If somebody you’re calling a friend has a bad attitude, doesn’t respect himself or you, has substance abuse issues, etc., and your wife suggests to you that you fire him and find a better friend to hang out with, you should take the advice, but if he’s really a friend and a positive influence on your life and she’s just jealous of the time you spend with him and the “guy fun” the two of you have together that in no way has a bona fide negative impact on your family, then you should not give in to pressures to cut him out of your life…

…BUT! Don’t let the time you spend with him leave your wife so terminally bored that she starts creating drama to get your attention or resorts to an affair, either! That’s cutting your nose off to spite your face. Invite her to join in the fun, and tell her about all the cool stuff she’ll be missing out on if she doesn’t join in. Women can’t stand to feel left out of anything if they have even a remote chance of facing boredom. Again, they can live vicariously through us and get juiced up on our emotional energy because they have incredible capacity for exploring emotions and using that exploration to invoke their own emotions. But beware…

If you’re going to promise her fun, you have to make good. If you’re promising fun at some gathering where the lot of you is going to sit around stony-faced watching a TV tube, that’s not going to cut it. “Fun” for her is going to have to be something with visible excitement, laughter, and emotional energy, such as yelling and cheering. It also helps if it’s something you can coax her into trying after you get her there. The more involved she is, the less likely she can be bored and the more likely she’ll be glad she’s with you.

You can draw all that, and more that I can’t get into today, from a simple 15-second TV commercial. Good lessons and examples are where you find them. However, as you can see, tuning the mixture and getting everything “dialed in” (I’m not a NASCAR fan, but the National Hot Rod Association and I go WAY back!), can be a little complicated, unless you’re tuned in!

We’re going through a lot of this on our forum right now, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, as one of our men is finding out that a lot of what he thought about his wife is wrong, because he was looking at her through a veil of insecurity. Others are just born blind to women in general, and never have the good fortune to have some female friends to help them figure it out. So they spend their life either wondering what to do or just going for it and doing all the wrong things, and eventually everything blows up in their face, either because their wife gets so angry she wants a divorce (we have several of those on the forum for you to study, too) or she gets bored and either slides into mid-life crisis and goes berserk or has affairs until some guy sweeps her off her feet so completely that she can’t wait to get away.

Either way, you’re walking blind through a mine field. That’s why you need to know how to listen to and read a woman to find your way through this jungle and make these decisions. You need to know which issues are legitimate in your specific circumstances and which ones are tests to check your manhood or ploys to rob you of it.

That’s where a lot of my fellow gurus fall short. They give you great information about the creation of attraction, which when you’re dating and trying to get into a relationship is indeed your primary concern, but many don’t give you what you need with regard to evaluating the relationship or communicating with a woman accurately to make sure you can maintain and escalate the relationship in a pattern of sustainable growth that will make it work for a lifetime.

(A notable exception is Shelley McMurtry, who does get into more than attraction, and while she currently is not married or in a long-term relationship, she does try to keep men focused on more than just getting to their next date or sexual encounter. She is linked elsewhere on this page and I strongly recommend that you at least sign up for her newsletter because she is very emotionally aware and good at describing female issues and emotions to men without getting lost in the drama as some do.)

A man can walk through a mine field with a smile on his face if he knows where the mines are; otherwise, you pick your way through, step on one, and pay the price for a long time, if not for the rest of your life. If you’re in a relationship, you are in the mine field. It’s just that simple. What you need is the map!

Your map to a great relationship is in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," which you can download at http://www.makingherhappy.com/ with just a few mouse clicks. Get yours right now, and put it to work. Make your life fun again, and put an end to your daily routine of walking around on eggshells because you know the mines are there but don’t know where they are.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Girls and Their Toys! Those Toys Are NOT a Threat to Your Relationship or Marriage

Some men get terribly insecure about women’s “toys,” responding with such nonsense as “How am I supposed to compete with THAT?” You’re not, and you should be glad that it’s a toy and not another man. Why not “grow a pair” and join in the fun?

Sometimes I get letters from readers that are truly upsetting. I’ll spare you the details of those emotions, but eventually I have to look past the gross insecurity and ignorance expressed in the letter and remember that my job is to help people learn to be smarter and better, and that they think the way they do (or FAIL to think at all) because that’s what they have been taught, and my beef is with the teacher, not the student. Meet Brent:

Hey David,

Man, I’ve got a problem. My wife has discovered “toys,” (the adult kind) and I can’t get her to leave them alone. Every time I come home when she’s been here alone, they are laying out and it drives me nuts. I mean, how am I supposed to compete with that? I’ve got to get her to stop, but I don’t know how. I’ve tried everything I can think of, and she just gets madder and madder at me when I try to tell her that she doesn’t need them. What can I do?

Thanks,
Brent


My response:

Yes, Brent, you have a problem, and it’s not your wife’s toys. It’s your attitude. What makes you think you are “competing” with her toys? And what makes you think that she needs to stop using them? Or that you are fit to judge what she needs and doesn’t need? If there’s something lacking in the bedroom, would you not prefer that it was her toys taking up the slack instead of another man, or had that occurred to you?

I obviously don’t know your wife, but every woman that knows me, including your fellow readers, will tell you that I know women well enough to say this: Whether she’s using toys because there is something lacking in your performance or because she just likes toys is irrelevant, and you’re showing a sickening level of insecurity by feeling you have to compete with them and an equally sickening level of arrogance or stupidity to think that you can decide for her what she needs and doesn’t need. So what’s up?

She’s leaving them out as an invitation for you to join her in using them! She’s mad because you’re being insecure and trying to shut her down instead of listening to her, taking the hint, and letting her share with you something that she enjoys! Get a clue!

Like it or not, that’s reality, and if you think you’re choking on that dose, this one isn’t going to go down very well, either: If you don’t get a grip, grow a pair of testicles worthy of a man, and stop acting threatened by some masses of inanimate plastic, there will be another man involved, either before or after the divorce, and he will likely be chosen partially on the basis of his willingness to share her toy pleasures with her.

It’s like this: your manhood is not a function of how big your “organ” is or how many orgasms you can give her through “traditional” intercourse, or any other kind for that matter. That’s machismo, ego, and chauvinism at its worst. Your manhood is a function of how well you handle the job of being a man! How much you act like the alpha male – smart, confident, witty, able to treat adversity as opportunity and adventure, comfortable being in the lead and making decisions (NOT forcing them on others, as you want to do with her toys), and letting that naughty inner child out from time to time to show her a good time.

How do you think you come off asking her how you’re supposed to compete with a few ounces of plastic or latex?

Like a freaking wuss!

The only way that toy can be used as a lethal weapon is to choke you with it, yet you’re acting scared to death of it. How manly is that? NOT!!!

Now straighten up, think like a man instead of an insecure, grab-asstic adolescent, and next time you come home and find your wife’s toys laying out, put on your best naughty boy grin and tell her that if she’s going to leave her toys lying around where you have to look at them, she’s going to have to let you play with them too, so it’s time to get naked and show you how they work, else she’s going to get a spanking. Yes, I’m serious!

She will be stunned at first because you’ve acted like such a wuss, and then she’ll get a little cocky to test you to see if you mean it. Pick up one of her toys and give her a good-natured swat on the behind with it, and crack wise with something like, “That seems to work, but I’m sure there’s a better use for this than that,” and dial up the naughty level a few notches.

Let her show you, and you pay very close attention to things like speed, pressure, direction, etc., then you take over and allow her to continue to coach you, which she may do with her hands or other body parts instead of spoken words, i.e., raising her hips to press toward you means more pressure, etc. – use your head and keep your cool, and everything will be fine. It’s a learning experience, a damned pleasurable one too, not a contest, so put that competition nonsense away and leave it there before it gets you hurt. This is about cooperation, not competition.

All joking and rib-poking aside, if you have a problem with this because of some kind of childhood sexual trauma, stop hiding from it and get help, because you’re cheating both of you out of a lot of things, including fun, trust, intimacy, etc. – things that no committed relationship can ever get too much of, right?

Take care, and keep in touch,
David

This mess could have been avoided if Brent just knew a little more about communicating with women and was comfortable with himself, two things that a whole lot of men have a huge problem with. If you are one of them, it’s time to give yourself – AND YOUR PARTNER – the gift of a break from all the stress.

Inside every man is an alpha male, and if he’s not in the lead in your life, he’s been suppressed, oppressed, or somehow pressured into the background, but he’s there, waiting to come out. Yes, he is! He’s been there ever since you were given that “Y” chromosome at conception! But…

Unfortunately, there’s not likely to be a hyper-skilled communicator that can rival any woman hiding in there with him unless you are an effeminate gay male that is so girly that every woman wants to go shopping with you, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t learn how to do much better than you are doing – so much better in fact, that she thinks you’re reading her mind at times.

Neither are hard to do, if you just apply a little time and effort to clearing out some bad programming and engaging in a little self-improvement, which is a whole lot easier than trying to put on an act for a creature that has about 100 times the capacity for sensing and interpreting non-verbal communication than you have. You can’t just ACT like a man, you have to BE a man; otherwise the stress of trying to act in contradiction to yourself will backfire on you. But the good news is that you just need to know what works and how to make the parts of what work that appeal to you a real part of your life, which is one of the most enjoyable processes a man can go through at any point in his life.

Just ask any of the guys on our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, who used to be wusses and now rule their universe simply virtue of having made the choice to do so. While you’re there, check out what the women there have been saying what they like, too. Some of it may surprise or even shock you, including their candidness.

Being a man is a LOT easier than trying to act like one, and a lot easier than not being one, too! It’s all laid out for you, step by step, in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and it’s waiting for you at http://www.makingherhappy.com/. Download it and give it a shot, because life is too short to miss out on the good parts, and unless you and your partner are truly enjoying your manhood (literally and figuratively) you are missing out on a LOT of good parts.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham