Saturday, March 20, 2010

Time Is On YOUR Side When Saving a Relationship or Marriage

The rules for creating and maintaining attraction can be slightly to radically different when moving from the “first encounter” scenario (like bumping into a stranger or trying to pick up a stranger in a bar) to a committed relationship. One such rule is the one governing your “window of opportunity,” which is as short as a few seconds when meeting someone new but can be months long when trying to rekindle the fire in a mature but stale or damaged relationship, because the woman would rather have her partner being a “naughty hottie” than being bored or having an affair; she has a vested interest in giving him a chance to enliven the relationship.

Don’t forget the new forum is open at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/ and you’re going to miss out on something special unless you participate. There are nearly 100 members already, and while most are still a bit shy about posting, there are some really great things already coming out, well worth your time to spend a few minutes a day reading. And if you are shy about posting, don’t forget that everybody there has a problem that is either the same as your or related to yours, or one that you could easily have in the future, so it’s not like a bunch of people with perfect lives are going to be laughing at your problems if you speak of them.

One other possibly VERY important note: to the best of my knowledge, judging by the number of times I see the Google spiders receiving “no permission” error messages as they attempt to read the forums that may contain problem information, I think I have configured everything so that you don’t have to worry about what you say showing up in a Google search. The fun forums, like Hobbies and Welcome are open to the spiders and bots, but I’m trying to keep everything else completely inaccessible to anyone who is not human and not a member. This will cost me dearly in search engine rankings, but it is your lives and problems there, and I do take your privacy seriously, and I make my living from helping you with your problems, not pasting them all over the Internet for the whole world to see.

I received an interesting letter over the weekend from an achiever who has not yet read “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” but has subscribed to this newsletter, has bought materials from some of the dating gurus like John Alanis and David DeAngelo, and subscribes to their newsletters, and has noticed an obvious and significant discrepancy between my material and theirs:

Hi David,

I bought books and CD’s from John Alanis, David DeAngelo, and others, and subscribe to everybody’s newsletters trying to find a way to get things back into gear here at home. After 6 years of marriage, things have been in a downhill slide for awhile, and it’s obvious that there is an attraction problem, and they’re all saying that once attraction has died it’s nearly impossible, if not entirely impossible, to rekindle, yet you guarantee I can do it. What am I missing?”

Buddy G.


Well, Buddy, it’s pretty simple. They’re absolutely right, and so is what I’m telling you. The difference is in the context, particularly the timeframe. Remember, they are talking about creating attraction and keeping it going in order to ESTABLISH a relationship. In the dating world, there’s no commitment yet formed and nothing invested; you’re on strict probation before you ever approach her and introduce yourself, and at your first slip-up she’s gone because there are hundreds of other men in her world still left to inspect. She has no motivation to wait around for somebody exhibiting the same nice-guy, loser behavior that every other nice loser exhibits when she could be hooking up with a guy who “gets it” and trips her attraction triggers, giving her that swept-off-her-feet feeling women will kill for.

HOWEVER! As you’ll find in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” the rules of attraction in committed relationships are often quite different from those of attracting someone new. In your case, and the case of anyone in a committed relationship that has survived long enough to get a little stale and boring or damaged, you’ve already made the grade and fallen from grace.

In the meantime, ties have been built, maybe kids, mortgage, and other commitments and/or motivations for further commitment have come into the picture, and it’s to your mutual advantage to put things back together. Nobody likes break-ups or divorces, even when they come out ahead, because they almost always entail fighting, complications, and extreme changes in the way you live. I don’t know about you, but I hate it when that happens. ;-)

Look closely at the two situations, the requirements of the participants, and think with me for a minute. The “chick in the bar” would have no reason to give you a second look or thought if you said the wrong thing because there will be at least a hundred other opportunities for her that same evening, but the woman with whom you’ve been partnered, in whatever capacity, for months or years has a vested interest in the relationship!

She wants you to straighten up because having you “back in true form” (read “that attractive stud muffin you used to be, and even more so if you can do it”) is much more enjoyable and far less scary than dropping back into the dating world and having to go back to defending herself from perverts, stalkers, geeks, losers, liars, philanderers, and others who would either use, hurt, or bore her.

(And if there are kids involved, her drive to protect her children from a destabilized environment will make her want you to work with her to work things out ten times more than if there were no kids!)

Think about that! If you screwed up with the chick in the bar and she would say, “What for?” when you asked if you could try another date and attempt to make up for your transgression, the woman who has been in your life and enjoyed it would usually try to help you get it done! (To wit, one third of my book sales have consistently been to women!) She wants that feeling back, and would do about anything to have it back, and her choices are to:

a) leave you and find somebody else who gives it to her, or
b) don’t leave you, just find a “toy boy” and cheat
c) wait for you to get it done
d) help you get it done so she can have it back faster!

Now, which one do you think she’s most likely to choose if she has a choice of the four options above? Where most men screw up is only offering her “a” and “b,” and a few more will offer her “c”. You have before you the option of a book that, according to a great many people, will give you the knowledge you need to get the job done if you’ll just do it, and if your wife knows you’re genuinely trying she’ll help!

Seriously, if you were trying to date this woman, your chances of success would be pretty slim at best, but you’re married to her, and she doesn’t want to have a boring marriage any more than you do, nor does she want her whole world turned upside-down by a divorce unless that’s her only option. Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and get your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” Read it. Study it. Learn from it. Have a laugh or two along the way, too!

And do it NOW, because attraction is a double-edged sword; the only thing that can keep her from responding to you when you straighten up and act like a man is if ANOTHER MAN creates intense attraction for her before you do, in which case attraction still wins, as always, but it wins the fight for the other guy, not you. But you can be certain that where women are concerned, attraction will be the deciding factor the vast majority of the time, no matter who wields it, so proceed in earnest.

If you get through the evaluation section and you know that you’re with the right woman, get her to read it with you. That way she’ll know that you’re trying to make things better for both of you and that the positive changes that she’s about to see in your behavior are because you’re committed to making things better with her, not because you have a new girlfriend making you feel sexy again. (Yes, they really do that!) Get it done, and get on with your new, sexy, exciting life with your wife. Why? Because it’s a whole lot easier and better than being bored or risking getting caught in an affair. You love her, so treat her like you love her! ‘Nuff said…

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, March 19, 2010

What Women REALLY Want, Sharing the Drama of Your Day

To help you understand what women want from a man, this issue is another must-read. It addresses a specific issue and scenario that is addressed more generally in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," the issue of “How was your day, Dear?” and how women want to share in the bad as well as the good like they do with their girlfriends, while men don’t want to relive a bad day by going through it, and prefer to skip it and move on to something positive. A real eye-opener!

I hope you’re having a great week. I’m having a blast with reader e-mail. Lots of good questions with good lessons for all to learn, so keep them coming. I’ve had some questions about women wanting to share drama with their men, a topic from my free “What Women REALLY Want” report, and since many of you have apparently assumed that free report was worthless because it was free and chose not to download it, we’re going to go through that chapter today and then handle the reader questions and comments concerning it tomorrow. It’s good, so hang with me and stay tuned.

I’ve promised you statements directly from women about what they want, and here you go: This one, which demonstrates the difference in the emotional make-up of men and women, that being that a woman’s emotional scale goes from zero to infinity, without much regard for positive and negative, where a man’s scale goes from negative to none to positive, and the emotional upheaval that can come as a result of not understanding those differences and that both scales tend to run in the middle.

What exactly does that mean? What’s in the middle of a woman’s scale? A significant amount of emotional energy being absorbed and expended. What’s in the middle of a man’s emotional scale? Neutrality! Women need to have something going on pretty much all the time or they get bored stiff (their “emotionometer” goes to the far left, at zero emotion), where men don’t mind deviating from the middle a bit on an on-going basis, but the farther we stray and the longer, the more we’ll try to push things back toward that calm and simple state somewhere near the middle, where everyone is fed and protected.

Note that on the “left” side of our emotionometer is the most negative, and to a large degree, both men and women exhibit a lot of the same symptoms when the needle moves to the left; extreme boredom makes a woman as agitated and physically uncomfortable as fear, anger, and pain to a man. See my “Emotional Scales” article at http://www.aweber.com/archive/mhh_tips/1QTO9/h/03_02_10_Understanding_Our.htm to see a graphic representation of the scale and a lot more information about it and how it works.

Without further ado, meet Alyson:

Dear David:

AAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I need some help. I am totally frustrated! My husband and I have been married for a year now. We are happy and communicate wonderfully except in one area. When we sit down to dinner, that is our time to talk. I ask him how his day was and get the standard [one-word] answers, fine, ok, good, rotten...etc. That's it, except when he is having an incredible day and tells me of the rewards. I want to know the good and the bad, but he won't talk about them. If he did tell me it would be great, I would continue to get to know him and how he functions and solves problems.

All other aspects of our marriage are great, he is kind, courteous and an incredible Alpha male but that one area drives me nuts. I have tried to prod and probe and he just says "leave it alone, I don't want to talk about it". What can I do to make him talk or am I going about it the wrong way, the nagging wife syndrome?

Can you help me?

Alyson


My response:

Hi Alyson!

I’m going to give you the answer that you need to hear, probably won’t like too much, but will have to accept because this is just how it is in the real world.

Men of action, achievers, the strong alpha male that women respond to with overwhelming and magical-feeling attraction, don’t like to dwell on problems, they like to fix them and get them out of the way. We learn whatever lessons these problems and solutions present and put the events behind us, taking only the lessons forward with us. This is part of what makes us who and what we are, because it is a huge influence on self-esteem and self-confidence, things which you and all women admire and want in a man.

We don’t like living through these events the first time, and to discuss them as women do, as an accounting of the day and exploration of the emotions, as you no-doubt go through with your female friends, is like living through the problem a second time, dwelling on it, and having that negative influence of that frustration and aggravation eating at us all over again.

It’s not that we don’t want you to know about the day or how we handle problems or anything else. We simply don’t want to relive a bad day and unnecessarily expose ourselves to those negative influences all over again, which can erode confidence and expends time and effort that could be spent in spending quality time with you or doing something else we enjoy, building achievements that we can celebrate with you, etc.

You’ll also notice that your husband does share his triumphs with you. This isn’t to brag and pound his chest; it’s an act of intimacy. When a man of action relives a victory with you, he’s inviting you to share in and celebrate something that is special to him: ACHIEVEMENT.

This celebration reinforces his feelings of strength and independence, and makes him better prepared to face the next day’s challenges. Bear in mind that being an alpha male and loner by nature, a genuine male achiever doesn’t need anyone else’s recognition or approval of his achievements; telling you about it is purely an act of sharing, of trust, and of intimacy, and not to be confused with the bragging of a man who one-upped someone by some trick of cunning or stroke of luck instead of through competently performing whatever tasks were at hand.

All of this is in stark contrast to the female social practice of sharing and even dramatizing everything that happens, indiscriminately reliving everything that has happened and trying to milk every last drop of emotional energy from it, regardless of whether it was a positive or negative event, and hence, whether they are bombarding themselves with positive or negative emotions.

(Gentlemen, you need to understand that they are not being nosey or trying to rub your nose in a bad day; this sharing is a reaching out for intimacy and when you just stomp on them for asking it’s a severe rejection, which we’ll discuss further in a minute, and it’s just as natural and automatic a drive as your own drive to bury negative things once they’ve been resolved and move forward.)

Women are frighteningly effective and efficient at this, and I must wonder how damaging this practice must be to women, and how much better their lives could be if they didn’t spend so much time and energy digging into negative emotions and drama and milking the emotion from it the way they do.

Take care,
David


I’ve never seen this in print, or heard anyone discuss it in any venue or forum, but it is statistically ridiculous that nobody in the 10,000 years of recent history has ever noticed this, so I can’t help but also wonder if it’s never been mentioned in public because those who noticed feared the outrage that women might voice at the mere suggestion that negative emotions and negative drama could be bad for their psyche, self-esteem, and by virtue of the chemical impact of stress on the body, their health in general.

Nonetheless, you heard it here first; I wonder if women acted as men do in filtering out negative influences like those encountered in the ritual sharing of problems, especially those marathon drama-fests where the same problem is iterated over and over until everyone in the conversation gets bored with the repetition and moves on, this would leave them with time and energy to spend planning, achieving, celebrating and reaping the benefits of much more positive energy and influence on their psyche, emotional balance, and physical well-being, not to mention the boost in self-esteem and confidence and proportional drop in insecurities this would create.

This hypothesis is based on observation of a limited number of women, under 300, and of those, the ones who do not get bogged down in negative emotion are indeed much more happy, motivated, and successful than those who do. The evidence says that negative emotion creates physical stress in both males and females. I’m still looking for a way to test this hypothesis on a very wide scale, and if anyone hears of an existing study, I’d like to know about it immediately.

A word for the ladies reading this: Please think about this, Ladies. I realize that the concept sounds like suggesting you cut off your arm, more accurately, like you cut out a piece of your heart, emotionally speaking, but look at your own life and assess how much time you have spent in the last day, week, month, year, etc., indulging in negative emotions to milk the rush from them before setting to the task of solving and eliminating the problem. Then try to get some feel for how much time you spent that you could have spent doing other more positive and productive things, and what your life might be like right now if you had spared yourself all that negative influence and had those extra achievements and decreased stress from less time pressure. If you feel comfortable talking about it, I’d love to hear from you, and would love to eventually do a formal study of a group of women, but this is strictly for your benefit, and I’m sure that if you are objective in your assessment, you’ll find that you could have done a lot with that time and positive energy.

Now that everyone hopefully understands where everyone else stands on the issue, and the origin and nature of the behavior, let’s talk about what can be done to bring everybody closer together. Ladies, don’t feel like a man is being closed off or rejecting you when he doesn’t want to relive a bad day. Be glad that you have a partner who is an achiever and is strong enough to do this instead of doing what many men do: whining and acting weak and pissy, and sometimes getting caught up in the frustration and abusing you to release the frustration that something or somebody else caused. That makes him look like a girlfriend instead of a man, and kills your attraction for him.

Gentlemen, be aware that any time a woman is asking you questions about yourself in any non-accusatory, non-confrontational context, she’s trying to learn about you, trying to be closer to you and connect with you, so don’t just stomp on her if she’s asking about something you don’t want to talk about. Give her the gift of a little understanding and dignity by telling her that it was one of those days that was bad enough the first time you lived through it, and rather than going through it all over again and reliving all that negative emotion, you would rather put that part of the day behind you and give her the best part of your day, the enjoyable part, and rather than rehash bad memories it would be far better for both of you to use the time to make some new, positive memories.

When you do tell her about things, tell her as much as you can about the emotional aspects of it, the details that let her feel what you felt, and while it is still not good to rehash the really bad stuff, you could share the neutral to positive things with her to give her some part of the day. It may not have been something you thought worth celebrating, but it’s still something that she can examine to get to know you better, and it helps eliminate that illusion that you are trying to shut her out.

This was the best solution found by our test group, but is by no means the only possible solution. If you can find something that works better for you, write about it, and we can possibly discuss it here. If readers were more active, it might inspire me to set up some blog or discussion forum software on the website to allow you interact and exchange ideas and success stories directly, but I won’t be going through that trouble and expense without seeing that those resources, if provided, would be used for the benefit of a significant group of people, so if you want it, get involved by e-mail and let’s see where it goes.

There you have it, the answer to one of the toughest problems in any good relationship. In my men’s book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” men are instructed about women’s social mechanisms and their need to share, and encouraged to be sensitive to those needs to whatever degree possible, as well as many other critical topics and skills in the areas of relationship evaluation and understanding, communications with women, and a wealth of knowledge about attraction, that magical feeling poets refer to as “being in love,” including how it works, how to create it, and how to kill it (like making your partner feel shut out!), which is the beginning of trouble of paradise and the end of more relationships than you can imagine. In case it’s not obvious, these are all the very things that women REALLY want from a man!

Relationships can survive without a lot of things, even without love to a large degree, but they seldom survive without effective communication and attraction, so don’t let it happen to you. Jump on over to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and get your copy today, because life is too short to spend it bored, fighting, or worst of all, lonely.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Know the Right Time and Place for Naughty Play to Have a Great Relationship and Marriage

There are times and places for the naughty play that gets a woman into that excited state that eventually leads to sex, and there is are times and places where it’s counter-productive to say the least. You must learn them if you want to create attraction instead of killing it.

There are two very old sayings that a man needs to keep in mind when creating attraction for the woman he loves, or any woman for that matter: “Moderation is the key to all things,” and that old real estate and business charm, “Location, location, location.” Meet Thad:

Hello David,

I’ve been reading your newsletter for awhile, and I’ve picked up on what you say about building sexual tension throughout the day with doing naughty things and picking at her, and sometimes it makes her look at me like I’m dinner and other times she gets mad and won’t talk to me until the next day. Like a few days ago, she was standing in the kitchen and I snuck up behind her and made a slightly lewd remark about her getting my dinner ready or I was going to have her behind, and gave her a playful spank to reinforce the sexuality of the comment, and she grinned and picked right back at me with something to the effect of if I messed with her I wouldn’t get any dinner because I’d be doing her in the kitchen.

But today I picked her up for lunch and she wanted to go to a fast food place because she was in a hurry, and we were standing in line about to order and she asked if I knew what I wanted. I squeezed her butt and said, “Yeah, some more of this,” and she gave me a drop dead look, walked out of the place, and jumped in a cab. I tried calling her twice at work and she wouldn’t take my calls, and when she came home I asked what was wrong, and she said if she had to tell me we had a bigger problem than she was willing to continue to live with, and would be leaving, so I’d better be figuring it out. I’m lost. Do you have any idea what I did to tick her off and what I can do to fix it?

Thanks in advance,
Thad


My reply:

Well, Thad, I can tell you what you did wrong, and what to do to fix it, but I’m not going to make any promises about how well you like the answer. What you did wrong was arm yourself with just enough information to get yourself in big trouble instead of getting the all the information you need plus how to use it, and you humiliated your wife or girlfriend (we’ll talk about that issue momentarily, by the way – you don’t even mention which she is, or her name, which smells a bit of disrespect for her), bad enough that I’m frankly surprised she’s giving you a chance to correct the problem.

First of all, you were apparently insensitive to the fact that wanting to go to a fast food joint because she was in a hurry might have meant that she didn’t really have time to go out with you for lunch at all, and was either trying to be polite or you didn’t give her a way of negotiating her way out of lunch by asking her if she still had time to do it. That tension alone can put a woman on edge enough to make her react badly to a small thing, and this was no small thing by any stretch of the imagination. Grabbing a woman’s behind in public, especially using the language you did, and double-especially if anybody overheard you, is just about as disrespectful and demeaning as you can get; indeed, your average prostitute might even have more self-respect than to tolerate what you did.

Naughty attitude and sexy playfulness is an integral part of intimacy, which by definition, means deeply personal and private. Imagine if you were being goofy, and did that idiotic thing guys do by hanging a towel or piece of clothing on your erect organ, or maybe a sock puppet, something that was meant for nobody in the world but her to see, and she posted a video of the whole act on a web page for everyone on the Internet, including some people who knew and respected you (there may have been one or more of her coworkers, including her supervisor, eating in that restaurant!) to see. Do you think you might want to crawl under something and hide for about 20 years until everybody forgot about it? That’s how she felt when you did that.

The only time that this kind of behavior is okay in public is when it is done covertly, so that it is a shared naughty secret between you and her. It’s the child-like and naughty “getting away with something” element that makes it fun, and the covert nature of the act keeps it intimate.

You took something intimate out of context, and that made it cheap and disrespectful, and now that you’ve done that, touching her behind in any context is liable to fire off a mental anchor and bring back that memory and feeling of humiliation for her, at least for awhile. You’re standing on your toes in a cesspool, the sewage is over your mouth and about to go up your nose and drown you. Count your blessings. Men have died for less.

I don’t know if your problem is entirely ignorance, or if it is also born of general disrespect for women. You don’t provide enough information to deduce that, but do you realize that nowhere in your letter do you disclose whether this woman is your wife or your girlfriend? Or her name?

It sounds as if she’s just really not important to you; indeed, you not only omit her status in your life, but her name as well, referring to her only as “her” and “she.” If “she” were to read that, you might find yourself living alone very quickly. Relationship status is EXTREMELY important to women, and they are constantly evaluating and actively managing their relationships, which is what gives rise to the vast majority of the testing they do. And make no mistake; you will NEVER have a satisfying relationship with a woman if you don't respect her, because respect is part of love. And I’ve noticed that men who write to me who love and respect their wives or girlfriends consistently refer to them as either “my wife/girlfriend” or by name, and sometimes both, in their letters, only using “she” and “her” after having identified the woman.

The first thing you need to do in attempting to rectify this situation, which I don’t know is even possible at this point, is to apologize to her and explain that you’ve been trying to learn to do things to improve your relationship and acted on something you read but apparently took out of context, that you now realize how grossly disrespectful it was and that it will never happen again. If you still don’t see that it was disrespectful, you’ve got a lot of personal growth to accomplish (read “growing up to do”) before I will be able to help you further.

The other thing you can do is what a great many people reading this newsletter need to do: Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” and read it, follow the instructions and examples, and incorporate everything it describes into your true self so that relationship assessment, effective inter-gender communications, and creating (instead of killing) attraction aren’t just second nature, they are FIRST nature to you, things that you do so easily and naturally that you no longer have to think about them, and which make the woman you love know beyond any doubt that no matter how many men there are in the world, you are the one for her. Do this, and you will find that she will richly reward you with all the nurturing, support, and intimacy that she can muster, automatically! “Making Her Happy” is the key to making you both happy. Try it and see.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Nice Guys, Naughty Boys, and Bad Boys: Which Makes for a Great Relationship and Marriage?

A reader letter sparks a discussion of the differences between “naughty boy,” and “bad boy.” He was a nice guy and lost his wife to a bad boy while he was learning to be a real man with a naughty boy side that comes out to play when appropriate.

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Letters like the one I’m about to show you are a bittersweet challenge; bitter because they attest to someone being in real pain, but sweet because they show someone taking responsibility for their life and making improvements, even in the face of hardship. Meet Todd:

David,

Six months ago my wife and I separated because it was just to the point I could not live with her and all the fights we were having every day of our lives. We agreed to part company and get lives of our own. So I decided to work on improving myself in hopes that I could find out once and for all if I was the cause of our breakup as she claimed I was.

The fist step I took was reading up on relationships and other vital parts of a good marriage. I read all lot of crap before I found your book and I have to tell you it made the most sense of anything I’ve read. The problems you describe seemed like a roadmap to how my life fell apart, and the solutions were certainly doable. After making some changes in my life I realized just how much I loved my wife and that our marriage fell apart because I had become the "NICE GUY" so I put a big stop to that at once.

I wanted to try and work things out with my wife and to become a family again, but to my surprise she has gone off the deep end. She has been going out with a real "BAD BOY". He is unshaven, unclean looking, and every word out of his mouth is “the f-word” or some variation of it. He treats her like his very own slave, always ordering her around and telling her what to wear or not to wear and acting like he is her lord and master. I know she is a grown woman, but I truly think it has gone on for so long now she is scared to break it off.

What I am saying is I want my wife and family back and I am not afraid to fight for them, I am just not sure how to make the first step to let her see I am still responsible and take my family obligations serious, but I am no longer that nice guy pushover I use to be. Have any suggestions as to how I can get her out and show her the new man I am now without causing this bastard to either hurt her or cause me to have to hurt him?

Todd (x nice guy, and yes, you can print this)


My reply:

Damn, Todd! That’s a mess, and my heart goes out to you, really. I’m at a bit of a loss here because of a few missing details, so I’m going to take a stab at it based on some deductions and inferences and if I miss the mark somewhere you’ll just have to write back and clear up a detail or two.

First of all, you say “separated,” not “divorced,” and you say “family” as if it were a separate entity from “wife,” implying that there are kids, so it would seem that you should have frequent opportunities to see each other under the guise of visitation. Believe me, if you are indeed the new man you feel that you’ve become, she’ll notice. The big question is…

…do you really want her back? I understand that you have my book and have read it, but have you been brutally honest with yourself in the relationship evaluation and found that the two of you are indeed a great match, or have you been caught up in some idea of “proving yourself,” “winning her back,” etc., and haven’t inserted the new data into the equation?

If my wife had left and I found that she had taken up with such a man as you describe (and she wouldn’t because she does demand both respect and self-respect of a man), I’m pretty sure that I would not want her back, because even in spite of the power of attraction, a woman of any quality should be able to at least insist on decent personal hygiene (because it’s a sign of self-respect) and being able to form a sentence without a sexual vulgarity before getting close enough to a man to allow the other, more driving factors of attraction, such as his defining authority and exerting authority over her, to come into play. Attraction doesn’t happen for a woman without interaction; she must first experience curiosity and then intrigue before true attraction takes hold at a level strong enough to cloud her thinking severely, and she had plenty of time to make a choice.

Also, if you do “win her back,” will you want her back? Will you be able to live with the idea that she chose this scumbag, slept with him, and allowed herself to be treated in this way? And that she exposed your children to him? Indeed, at this point, your best option might be to renegotiate your custody agreement or whatever to try to protect your children from this seemingly controlling predator.

People make mistakes, and can be forgiven, but forgiving and forgetting are as unrelated as love and attraction, and you have to try to determine how often the thought of the two of them together is going to weigh on YOU. You must decide whether you can live with that without feeling like YOU are settling.

Your choice should be about what is BEST FOR YOU, not proving something. Wusses do things to prove things; real men do things to get them done and enjoy the benefit of their completion. Check your motivation, and if you can be honest with yourself, your next move should be self-evident. Write to me if it’s not.

Take care,
David


Gentlemen, before you make the mistake of thinking you wish a woman would respond to you the way this woman responded to this bad boy, think again. You could not possibly respect a woman behaving in this manner, and without respect, there can be no love. The personality you are after is not that of a “bad boy,” as described above. He’s insecure and has no self-respect, which is what causes him to be dominating, constantly vulgar and abusive. And believe it or not, he’s only a temporary play-toy, an oddity, a subject of her curiosity, not an object of her desire or certainly not her love. Who wants to live like that??? Do you want a woman, especially one you love and therefore value, to fear you or to love you in return, to serve you or to enjoy you? This “bad boy” character is an alpha dog at best, and definitely NOT an alpha male.

The alpha male is confident. People follow him because the projects confidence and competence, and they respect him because he respects himself. He defines authority and exercises it through leadership, not despotism or dictatorship. And when he’s not being a “great guy,” he’s being “naughty,” not “criminal.” He’s being adventurous, not a “rebel without a clue.” People want to be around him and want to follow his example; they don’t fear leaving his presence or his disappointment. He’s fun to be around when the naughty side shows up, not simply tolerable when things are going his way like the bad boy is.

You’re smart (else you wouldn’t still be reading this!), so I’m sure you get the picture, but do you know how to become and live as – not just act like – the alpha male? Do you know how to know if you’re paired up with a good partner who will appreciate you being all that you can be? Do you know how to effectively communicate with your partner so that you don’t end up in a mess like Todd did when his wife tried to tell him what was happening and he didn’t speak “feminese” well enough to understand that she was trying to tell him something that would help? Logic dictates that if you did, at least to an effective degree, it’s unlikely that you would be reading this, so do what a real man would do:

Take responsibility for your life, and act to improve it, for your own sake and for that of your whole family if you and your partner have built one. Start by jumping over to http://www.makingherhappy.com and getting your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” because it works, and life’s too short to mess around guessing, wondering and experimenting when a group of intelligent people have already come together, figured it out, tested, proven it, and a guy with a knack for telling it like it is has put it in an instantly downloadable electronic document that you can read on any device that will display or print a PDF file. C’mon! I dare ya… ;-) And for you Southerners, I double-dog-dare ya…

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Retail Therapy, a Sure Sign of a Much Bigger Problem in Your Relationship or Marriage, One That You Can Fix!

If you’ve noticed your wife (or yourself!) buying things not for the benefit of ownership, but for the thrill of making the purchase, you have a problem on your hands. Yes, you are responsible, but it’s something you can easily fix…

Happy St. Patrick’s Day to those of you who celebrate it, and I’m happy to report that things are starting to heat up at the new forum site (
http://forum.makingherhappy.com) as people are starting to get comfortable with the system and each other and are opening up. Come on over and check it out. I know almost everyone who has registered so far from coaching and e-mails, and I can assure you it will be interesting.

I wish every one of you could know how much fun it is at times to be me and do what I do with and for all of you. Yes, there’s a lot of stress and frustration at times, but the success stories are exhilarating and some of the questions I get are just downright hilarious, like this one. Meet Kent:

David,

My wife and I have been married for 18 years, and we love each other deeply. However, we’ve fallen into that rut that everybody seems to fall into. We do things together and talk, but we just don’t seem to have real fun or real intimacy anymore. We’ve done nothing but sleep in our bedroom every night this year but three, and I know exactly which three they were.

If it weren’t for our hobbies, I don’t know what we’d do. I spend much of my evenings in my workshop making jewelry boxes, turning pens, and doing other small woodworking projects, and my wife watches mystery and cop shows on TV. Every few days, she’ll get particularly antsy and fidgety and announce that she’s “going out for retail therapy” and come home with a bunch of stuff that she never wears or uses and it just ends up cluttering up the house, and then she complains about it and gives it away.

I keep telling her that she’s giving away our retirement when she does this, and that she should keep receipts and return items that she’s not going to use, but she claims that’s too embarrassing for her. I’m at the end of my rope. Can you tell me how to explain to her why she needs to stop this?

Thanks,
Kent


My response:

Hi Kent!

There’s no amount of explaining that you can do that will help the situation, and that’s not because you’re wife is stupid, impetuous, or enjoys trying to put you into the poor house. It’s because she’s bored. The thrill of the purchase gives her a temporary rush of adrenaline that relieves her boredom for about long enough for her to get home, then she’s over it, and the purchases go into storage where she doesn’t have to look at them and admit that the purchase was a mistake and face her embarrassment.

I don’t see your name on my customer list and you’ve only been on this newsletter list for a little over a week, so I’m going to bet that you have no idea just what a destructive emotion boredom is for women. In a nutshell, it has much of the same impact on them that sheer terror has on us. Yes, it’s really that bad. I’ve proven it 100% consistently with several hundred women. They have feelings and thoughts of desperation, are almost entirely incapable of logic, and in extreme cases even have physical manifestations like trembling hands and nausea. The good news is that this is something you can fix.

Boredom is one of the things for which a woman looks to a man to for protection; it’s the price you pay for her nurturing, and it’s a biological mechanism, not a logical one. It’s the result of chemical reactions natural to the female brain, and denying it or trying to find a way around it just doesn’t work. The good news is that acting like a man and using a few well-timed surprises and other little things can give her the small but frequent doses of excitement she needs (something so small as finding a Post-It note with a few well-chosen and heart-felt words on it will more than suffice, as an example).

You’ll find all of that and more explained in my book, should you choose to pursue it. Do the math, and I’m sure you’ll quickly realize that your wife does more damage to your checkbook in each outing than my book will do to it once, and the results are not just guaranteed, they’re a foregone conclusion if you use it. My customers have proven that consistently, time and again.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David


So how about it, Gents? Is something like this going on in your household? Wives aren’t the only ones that engage in retail therapy; men can be just as guilty of it as women. But where men can fix their boredom with a new hobby, women have the need to see a man, preferably their man, acting like a man, and to be entertained by him to some degree as well. They look to us for leadership (NOT control), and when we fail to provide it, boredom quickly ensues. Mark down the following as one of the most profound and useful things you will ever learn:

Boredom really makes women crazy. And it makes them incredibly vulnerable to attraction.

That’s a double-edged sword, as some of you have found out a little too late in life. If you realize your mistake and create attraction for her to relieve her boredom, she’s swept off her feet and good to go for as long as you keep it up, but if somebody else creates it for her, it is possible for her to turn her back on you completely, especially if she has tried over the years to tell you that the problem exists and your inter-gender communications skills have been lacking enough that you didn’t understand what she was saying, because when that happens, a woman takes it that you don’t care to hear her, not that you can’t do it. Why?

Because she thinks that you speak and listen the same way she does, just as you think that she speaks and listens the same way you do, and no matter how much you want it to be that way, it just isn’t so. Both of you can easily learn the other’s natural communication style and quickly come to terms (you can easily communicate accurately with a woman by following three simple rules), but you do have to learn and then use what you have learned.

That doesn’t take a staggering intellect; just a genuine desire. It’s not rocket science, Gentlemen. It’s women. They make up a little more than half the world’s population, and if it were that difficult, our species would have been extinct long ago. But the knowledge you need has been ignored and even buried for so long that you never got the opportunity to learn it.

Instead, you had a bunch of idiots telling you that to impress a woman you take her to a chick flick and cry with her, and you spend more on clothing and skin care products than she does. And you’re supposed to be nice and let her make all the decisions, like Mom said, right? Oh, and let’s not forget that absurd business about buying their love with expensive jewelry and other gifts, or impressing them with big money and expensive cars. A bunch of pure, unadulterated B.S., or “bovine fecal matter” as we used to say in the service.

So what’s going on at your house? Maybe your wife’s not indulging in senseless shopping sprees, but is she happy? Fun? Engaged in your life and happiness? Or is she acting as bored, frustrated, and confused as you may be right now as you read this? Or would you even know?

Why take the chance? If you were hit with a divorce right now, what do you think it would cost you, in both financial and non-financial terms? Most of the men who write to me to say that they desperately need help because their wife just filed for divorce also say that they didn’t know that there was even a problem, so yes, that’s a fair question that you really need to answer.

Now, for a bigger question: If you could read a book that could mitigate some or all of that cost, putting you back into a happy relationship, or getting you out of one that you never should have entered with some dignity and finesse, not to mention having a friend for an ex-wife instead of someone waiting around every corner to stick a knife in your back, would you read it?

When I had to answer that question, there wasn’t even a book to read. I had to write one! But you can read it; indeed, you can start reading it in the next few minutes. Just go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." You’ll see what I mean, and you can thank me for it when you’re done. For now, just get started! The longest journey ever completed started with a single step, and for you, this is the one.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, March 15, 2010

Flirting: Dying Art and Key Ingredient to a Great Relationship and Marriage

Do you flirt with your partner? If not, it’s no wonder she’s bored! Flirting is the gateway to attraction, fun and excitement, and in a woman’s eyes, a mark of a real man!

Before we start, I’d like to remind everyone that the forum I’ve been talking about for months (
http://forum.makingherhappy.com) is finally open, and I noticed something very, VERY odd. A lot of people have joined, but almost NOBODY has posted anything. So far two people have posted introductions and articles. Now I don’t have to tell you that it’s going to be a pretty boring forum if everybody waits for somebody else to go first. Need I remind you that it is this very kind of timid, wait-for-somebody-else-to-lead attitude that has gotten most of you into your relationship problems and the very reason you are here is to overcome it?

Yes, it takes a few days, or even a few weeks, to get a forum populated and have a lot of people butting heads and having fun, but why wait for everyone else to do it before you join in? Why not distinguish yourself as a leader by being among the first? I hear a lot of people using the term “baby steps,” and it makes me a little nutty because I’m a “grab it and growl” kind of guy, but THIS is a perfect “baby steps” type of opportunity to start turning a new page and taking a little initiative. Now get in there and get on the stick. I spent about four months putting it together, so you can at least spend five minutes introducing yourself and exploring, right?

I also want to remind everybody that my free Break-up Busting 101 course is still available, so get it and pass it around before I remove the link at the bottom of this newsletter. If you haven’t read it, I strongly suggest you do so, because the primary causes of break-ups are not affairs and other problems; those are merely symptoms of other underlying problems, like boredom and gross incompatibility.

Knowing how these root causes of problems work and how to cure them can keep you out of trouble even easier than they can get you out of trouble, and spending a half-hour or so to read that report is definitely worth everyone’s while. And my free and highly-informative “What Women REALLY Want” report is still available, too! Use the link at the bottom of this newsletter to download it as well.

Today, we’re going to talk about a dying (and for the vast majority of you reading this, DEAD) art, flirting. In a world seemingly bent on instant gratification, speed dating and speed seduction techniques appear to have supplanted good old fashioned flirting in the dating world, and believe it or not, that’s a bad thing, and losing the knack of flirting in a committed relationship or marriage is even worse, an invitation to absolute disaster! Why?

Flirting is a series of steps before seduction. It ranges from general poking and chiding a woman to get her smiling to a playful way of ambiguously using naughty but nebulous innuendo to ease into seduction later. Joking about “floppy drives and hard drives” in a way that can be construed as talking about arousing a man instead of speaking directly of the arousal is a good example. But why is it so important and why would you want to do it with your wife or girlfriend of many years?

For the same reason you would want to do it if you were single! First, flirting is extremely complimentary without being a wussy, kiss-ass kind of maneuver. It says, “I noticed you, and want to have fun with you.” Women live for stuff like that to break up or escape the boredom of their lives, and appreciate it when ANYBODY does it for them. So if you’re not the top flirt in her life, you can bet that somebody else will be applying for the position whether she awards it to somebody else or not.

Do you want to take that chance, especially when neutralizing that risk requires you only to do something that’s totally fun and leads to a “heated exchange” (damned spam filters! LOL!) in the bedroom? I should think not!

(You will see me mentioning female boredom until you’re sick of hearing it, but it is a HUGE problem. It’s one that we were never told about growing up and one that some women think we already know about while others don’t realize it themselves, so you need to be an expert in identifying and fixing it if you want to get along well with women, let alone live happily with one or more of them.)

Second, it can be used to transition from almost any mental state to a playful mood, which is extremely beneficial in everything from diffusing a fight to waking up your partner’s “urges,” since the leap from flirting to seduction is a simple transition from ambiguously naughty to directly naughty.

If you’re not flirting with your girlfriend or wife, you’re causing both of you to miss out on a whole lot of fun, both inside and outside the bedroom. It is truly the gateway to fun and excitement, and one of the easiest ways in the world to stir up attraction if done correctly, and in case you haven’t heard, it’s attraction, not love, that keeps the sheets warm, worn and wrinkled; love is what keeps you sleeping on the same sheets and talking the next morning. (And again, the relationship emotions are often very misunderstood, thanks to programming and poetic liberties, and you can get the facts and truth concerning them in that free “Break-Up Busting 101” report I mentioned earlier.)

Relationships start going stale and sour when things like flirting and naughty play start to wane. Maybe you got lazy, maybe you got stressed out, maybe you forgot how, or maybe you just did it naturally at that time and really didn’t understand how important it was and what it was that you were doing that really flipped her switches. In any case, it’s fixable…

All you need to know is waiting for you in my e-book, "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," which you can easily download right now at http://www.makingherhappy.com/, and start reawakening fun and excitement that neither of you have felt in too long. Or maybe you’d like to waste a few more years of your life waiting for things to get better on their own? They don’t just get better; you have to DO SOMETHING about them to MAKE THEM BETTER, and this is your best shot, so take it.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, March 14, 2010

The New makingherhappy.com Forum is OPEN!

Well folks, as promised, it’s here. The makingherhappy.com forum is open, and as I said earlier, it’s in beta. Everything APPEARS to be working, but you can never really tell until you turn a bunch of people loose with something, you know?

Many of you have used online forums in the past, and may even be familiar with the engine behind this one, vBulletin. It’s big, powerful, and gives a lot of options for what you see, what you say, how you say it, who gets to see it, etc. You can say as much or as little about yourself as you want, including how to contact you, unlike a lot of other forums, so your privacy and ability to connect with other members is entirely in your hands, since we won’t share personal info with anyone for any reason except either by court order or in voluntary cooperation with law enforcement in tracking a stalker, sex offender, etc.

There are some features new to vBulletin forums, such as a Front Page, personal blogging, Facebook-style personal profile pages, and photo albums and sharing. There are also some things that are NOT standard forum fare, such as live chat, both in a chat room and one-on-one, mobile access (through Tapatalk, which lets you browse, search and post in vBulletin forums from your Blackberry, iPhone, or Nokia with Symbian 60 version 3 or 5, free for some phones and very cheap for others; I think it was $2.99 for my Nokia), social networking, and more.

And of course, there are forums. LOTS of forums. For both men and women, married/committed and single. And as the need arises there will be even MORE forums added. Some are free, some require a subscription (and if you check around the Internet, you’ll find these subscription fees to be almost too good to be true, because I want this thing to get HUGE, and FAST!), but for as long as we are in beta mode, all content will be free to all who register. More about registration in a minute.

What are all these forums for?

Good question, if I do say so myself. Following is a roster of all of the currently active forums and their intended purposes. This list will be kept current, and hence new forums may appear from time to time as members voice an interest or I want to offer something new, and if a forum goes inactive for a month or two it may be removed, at my sole discretion, just to keep things tidy.

And lurkers, be advised, most forum content, even the free, public content, requires registration. Registration is free and we’re not requiring registration so that we can spam you. We don’t send out e-mail offers nor share your e-mail address with anyone except by court order, and you do not have to expose your e-mail address or any other personally identifiable information to other members. We do however try to protect our users from stalkers and sex offenders, harassment, etc., and we will, if possible and at our sole discretion, prosecute anyone abusing or harassing our members in any way. Registration is for the protection of all, and facilitates IP address logging, so offenders may be prosecuted if they have the bad sense to walk among us.







Welcome (Public)

Everything a new users needs or wants to know. If there is something you think would be useful to a new user and it's not here, by all means suggest it in the Suggestion Box forum. All users should read all content in the welcome forum before proceeding to the rest of the site.

Testimonials (Registered Members)

I have accumulated a lot of testimonials over the years and have never made most of them public. I will make some of them public in this forum, and members are also invited to write their own to post here. The hardest thing in this entire endeavor has not been helping people to find happiness, but to help people understand that THEY CAN find happiness. Relationship/marital problems cause a lot of frustration and anxiety, and as any of you who have read my bio know, there is much more bad information available than good (the reason I had to conduct this research and ended up publishing it in my book), and the only way that some people can know that anyone, including myself, can help them and that they can in fact live a happy life, even if it means starting completely over, is to hear someone who has already done it say so. And yeah, it’s advertising in part as well, but I sell all the books and coaching I need to sell and then some just on word-of-mouth referrals. Your testimonials, more than anything else, are for the sheer empowerment of people who may be looking at the biggest, scariest problem they have ever faced in their life, empowerment to try to make things better instead of wallowing in the squalor of comfortable unhappiness.

Newsletters (Registered Members)

I've produced many newsletters over the years that have been broadcast and appeared in blogs on Blogger, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, and my own site. As time permits, I will be placing current copies of the entire library in this forum, categorized. There will be more valuable information in this forum free of charge to all who want to read it than you will get out of most authors' premium products, so don't turn your nose up at it because it's free. It's good information, and if you have read THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage it's even more valuable as continuing education.

At some point I will be combining all this material with the current e-book to create a master book, if I can get somebody to publish something that big in paper. It will really be THE book then!

Guest Book (Registered Members)

Stop in here and introduce yourself, leaving as much or as little biographical information as you like, what you'd like to learn or do here, or anything else you'd like to say about yourself or situation. This is a place to learn, but it's also a place to make friends.

Hobbies (Registered Members)

This is the place for guys to be guys. Ladies, you're welcome to join in too, of course. There are already some sub-forums created for specific hobbies, such as sports, and if you want a specific forum for your own hobby leave a note in the Suggestion Box forum. If I see a lot of threads starting on a particular area of interest I'll make a forum for them and move the threads. All users are allowed room for a picture album and posting pictures.

Also, I don't want this site spammed to death with the latest MLM get rich scheme, but if you have a hobby that allows you to sell what you produce, want to buy or sell supplies or tools for a hobby or know of a good place to do so, have sporting event or other hobby-related event tickets you need to sell, etc., I encourage you to do so. That includes whole cars, hot rod parts, and even firearms, as long as it is related to YOUR hobby. Warning: porn videos, ED and other drugs, insurance, real estate, mortgages and credit rebuilding services are NOT hobbies, so don't go there. Spammers will be banned, and prosecuted if possible; your IP address is recorded every time you sign on, so don't push your luck.

Stories (Registered Members)

Any story you want to tell, as long as it has a happy ending or a useful lesson, preferably about successes. This is not a forum for validation-seekers to air their idiocy or chronic whiners to chronically whine. If it's not educational or somehow uplifting, keep it to yourself. Stories of enjoyable dates are welcome; stories of sexual conquests are not. This is a place for men and women to enjoy each others' company and learn from each other, not a place approval-seekers, braggarts, predators, or parasites to feed their demon.

Suggestions (Registered Members)

Anything you would like to see, post a thread in this forum after making sure that nobody else already has. If a thread has already been posted about your idea, post a comment in that thread that you also like the idea and note any changes or enhancements that you would like to see. I'll make every effort to accommodate all reasonable requests as long as there are sufficient resources to maintain and support them.

Group Problem-Solving (VIP Bronze)

This is the place for talking about your relationship issues with those who have been before you, the step before intensive training or personal coaching with David Cunningham. It is NOT a place for the blind to lead the blind, nor is it a place for validation-seekers. If you want somebody to tell you that you were right and your spouse was wrong regardless of the facts, you won’t find it here. We’re here to help you improve your life, not blame someone else for your troubles. This is a place for achievers, not wannabes and whiners. And that’s part of the reason that the Group Problem-Solving forum is in the premium area. Whiners have plenty of free places to vent and seek approval. ;-)

The Lounge (VIP Bronze)

A place for those in committed relationships to hang out and have fun. Anything goes, but please, no politics or religion. This is a place to have fun, not recruit people to a cause or argue. And for those of you seeking “a little civil discourse to discuss your ideals,” seek it elsewhere. It’s a “lounge,” not a “lecture hall” or “debate table.” Another reason this forum is in the premium area, to be honest, is to keep those looking for a soapbox out, same idea as the whiners and validation-seekers.

VIP Suggestion Box (VIP Bronze)

Suggestions for the VIP areas. Make suggestions and comment on others’ suggestions. Popular suggestions may end up getting implemented even if I don’t particularly like them if they’re reasonable, so don’t worry about rejection. This is a place to learn and grow, but I also want it to be a place to make and enjoy friends. And it’s in the premium area for the same reason as the Lounge, to filter out the whiners and other ne’er-do-wells that tend to spoil the party.

Boot Camp (VIP Silver)

Remedial training for men who are so without a frame of reference for real manhood that they have a hard time shedding their old wuss programming and getting with us. Men of Oak, this is your chance to mentor those who aspire to be like you, and Ladies, this is your chance to help to mold a man. I will be taking an active part in this forum as well, as the world is running a little short on real men and this forum needs all the legitimate input it can get, as well as any politically correct or otherwise false ideas kyboshed before they can do any damage. I will be the final authority on what men-in-training are taught and on this site, my word is law, so those of you who take issue with the concept of a man actually acting like a man, seek like elsewhere, because in here you will be a flea on a dog’s back, occasionally irritating and usually ignored.

Hot Tips (VIP Silver)

You’re going to love this one. I’ll be posting tips in this forum that do NOT appear in newsletters and possibly not even in the current release of my book. It could be anything from a simple recipe that allows a man who has never cooked to wow his wife with a candlelight dinner to a sudden revelation about anything in the world, including things that don’t directly pertain to your relationship, but more to just living a happy life as a man, such as career, philosophy, or a great place to buy guy stuff; Ladies, you can bet that some of this will be relevant and useful to you, too. Members who have accumulated sufficient reputation points will also be allowed to post in this forum, but all VIP Silver members may read all content.

Singles Lounge (VIP Silver)

Yes, it happens. Sometimes married people get divorced. And then they eventually want to get back into the dating world, possibly for the first time in decades. One of the most frequent requests I get is for a singles matching service, especially from women wanting to meet men who have been through my program. So while I have historically avoided dating issues for the most part because there were too many in need of help with long-term committed relationships and marriages, through the magic of vBulletin (the software that drives this forum), I can finally offer help. I won’t be doing any matchmaking, but this is the place for singles to meet up, discuss what’s happening in the dating world now, protocols (“It was a great date. How long should I wait before I call them to say so? Should I send flowers? How long should I wait before going out with them again? Something seems off; is she taking me for a ride?”), etc. If you had a great date and want to talk about it, do so, but spare us the sexual conquest stories.

If you need to talk about that with somebody, do so by private messaging, but keep in mind that kissing and telling is disrespectful to your partner and to a large degree also projects approval-seeking and a lack of self-respect, and conquest itself speaks to the same problems. It’s supposed to be fun that you share with someone else, not a competition between the two of you with you trying to get in and her trying to keep you out.

Personal Ads Workshop (VIP Gold)

Ladies, this one is for your benefit, too. For those who are interested in posting a personal ad online or in a personals section somewhere, you may have already heard that most ads get no response. It’s not because personal ads are a bad idea, but because most people don’t know how to write a personal ad that is interesting to the opposite gender. Start a thread in this section with your personal ad and moderators, other members and I will help you by reviewing, commenting, and coaching. Men, tell the women how you respond to their ads, and Ladies, tell the men how you respond to their ads. NOT to each other, mind you, but to the ads, specifically whether the ad, not the person behind it, intrigues you, presents well, makes you want to read more. When ads are fully developed, they may be posted in the Personal Ads forum here in addition to wherever else you might care to deploy them. And again, Gentlemen, one of the most common requests I get from women, even more commonly than wanting to understand men, is wanting to meet men who have mastered what I teach, so don’t pass up that opportunity.

Personal Ads (VIP Gold)

Singles, if I have to explain the purpose of this forum, I think I can give you a really good guess as to why you’re still single. ;-) Just kidding, of course. This forum is for single men and women to post their personal ads after they have been fully developed. Exchange contact and other info at your own risk, of course. It is not my intent to train predators or parasites here, and I actively try to weed them out, but there is always the possibility of one slipping through, so vet your prospects carefully and follow common sense rules for meetings, such as meeting for a first date in a public place. I just
searched Google for “dating safety tips” and came up with 16,400,000 hits at places like Match.com, so there is no excuse for you not knowing how to conduct yourself. Personal happiness, personal liberty, and all other personal pleasures and privileges come at the price of personal responsibility, and you have only one life, so treat it with the honor and respect that such a rare and precious resource deserves.

Ladies’ Book Club (VIP Gold)

Ladies, this forum is for you to make friends and discuss whatever you like, as long as it’s not politics or religion, openly and honestly amongst friends. Men, this forum is for you to observe, first and foremost, that your communications problems with your significant other are not because she’s weird or hard to get along with by observing how women interact with each other. Do NOT post; if you have a question for one of the women posting here about something that is going on and you want to understand why she asked or said something, use private messaging. The value of this forum will be diminished if men start posting in it and interfering with the discussions, so don’t do it. If there’s something happening in here that you want to discuss openly, do so in The Lounge. If it proves more useful, we’ll set up a separate forum for such discussions aside from The Lounge. The software that drives this site is very versatile and feature-rich, and I’ll be doing everything I can to improve the overall usability of everything here for you folks.

Ask David (VIP Gold)

This is the last step before private coaching, and it differs from the Group Problem-Solving Forum in that I and I alone will be answering questions. If you have a relationship or marriage issue that you don’t mind disclosing in front of others, I will answer specific questions about specific situations in this forum. This is not a group discussion forum; questions and answers are recorded here for others to learn from, not to comment on. At this level, things are tense and potentially volatile, so we really do not want to risk a “blind leading the blind” situation causing you problems.

And be advised, I am a consultant and professional troubleshooter, not a traditional “counselor” or “therapist.” I go over the details of your situation with you and point out specific cause-and-effect relationships, just as I do in telephone coaching consultations. There will be no asking of nebulous, non-descript questions to help you brainstorm and eventually trip over an answer that causes a light bulb to come on. We will get down to the crucial details by eliminating all non-factual elements, including assumptions, emotional influences, etc., and the details will speak for themselves in terms of cause and effect relationships and actions to be taken.

This forum is partially taking the place of the coaching I used to do by e-mail, addressing specific issues, not hypotheticals, and if problems become too complex or otherwise difficult to address in this manner, I will suggest personal coaching to you, but I’m willing to try this first if you are. It saves you money and gives others something to learn from. Content from this forum will NOT appear in daily newsletter lessons without the express (that’s legalese for “written”) consent of the person who started the thread. I respect the privacy of all members and I insist that members respect each other’s privacy as well; don’t be posting things you see here on other blogs without the consent of the person who started the thread. Blogging is great, but like any tool it can cause just as much damage as it can fix, and sometimes more.

Private Coaching (VIP Platinum)

VIP Platinum members will have virtually unlimited direct access to me for addressing specific relationship and marriage issues (and at my discretion, possibly others as well), including my personal cell phone number. This forum is where I will post my current telephone number, any relevant scheduling information, etc., that might help to facilitate access for coaching purposes. It will not contain coaching transcripts or anything for members to learn from unless members who receive coaching post it, as coaching at this level is very personal and private and I will not disclose it.





That’s it for now, folks. It’s been a long time coming, but it’s here. And it will be constantly evolving as members and I discover new uses, needs, and functionality. Come on in, register, and make yourself at home. It’s brand new and there are very few posts, so come on in and make history by being among the first. It’s the new center of the makingherhappy.com community, your community. Respect it, protect it, learn from it – and each other – and enjoy it.

David Cunningham

The Right Attitude To Be a Happy Man In a Great Relationship or Marriage

My favorite motivational poem, which projects the true spirit of the unconquerable alpha male, who does takes both action and full responsibility for his actions, and how the confident attitude it projects will make you absolutely ooze attraction. AND! An announcement about the makingherhappy.com forum: IT’S OPEN!

First, the big announcement: The makingherhappy.com forum is open, at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/. I’ve been working on it for a few months, and after a couple of false starts requiring starting over with more feature-rich software and eventually still having to generate a lot of custom code, it’s up in beta mode, meaning that it’s open and functional, but may need some tweaking for usability, and there are still things I want to add to it, so I’m looking for feedback on how things work, features you would like to see that aren’t there yet, etc.

All access to all areas is free to all registered members (registration is free and for your protection, and your privacy is both respected and guarded, as you will see when you reach the site) for as long as we’re still in beta mode, which should be a month to six weeks. After that, you’ll find the subscription prices lower than you could imagine for what you’ll be receiving, for reasons also explained when you get there.

There’s something there for everyone, including women and singles. That’s right, singles. Women and have been writing to me asking to meet men who have been through my program, and divorced men have been asking for help in easing back into the dating world, and it’s there, waiting for you, along with live chat in both a chat room and person-to-person chat, personal blogging, Facebook-style profile pages, photo albums to share, and a lot more. I’ll be following this newsletter with a detailed announcement of what’s available, what’s intended, etc., so stay tuned.

I also have another special treat for you, my favorite motivational poem of all time. Many of you may have read it, but I’ve met few who ever gave it serious study and consideration. And that’s a shame, when you see what it holds for you that could help a man, relationship and marriage.

Most people remember and even quote that last line or two, but few remember their origin and have never really studied the poem, trying to live the part of the main character, and exploring and adopting the attitude expressed. Read it carefully, once for understanding of what the character is saying, and then a second time to try to feel what they are feeling, and we'll discuss it and how it relates to your relationship and building attraction afterward.

Invictus
By W.E. Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods there be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced or cried aloud;
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this vale of doubt and fear
Looms but the terror of the Shade
And, yet, the passing of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the Master of my Fate,
I am the Captain of my Soul.

So let’s dig into this, deeply, and see what Henley knew about being a man and how that might help you get your life and relationship or marriage back on track. To make sure you get the context, “Invictus” is "soliloquy," defined in "The American Heritage Dictionary" as “A dramatic or literary form of discourse in which a character reveals his or her thoughts when alone or unaware of the presence of other characters." He’s not trying to impress anyone; he’s alone and thinking or speaking only to himself.

Speaking of gender, we don't know whether the character is a man or woman, but everyone assumes it is a man when they read it, because the feeling generated is that typical of an alpha male - independent, strong, railing against the storm so to speak. He is in complete darkness, according to the first paragraph, possibly in a prison or dungeon cell, or in an apartment or bedroom, utterly alone and celebrating his own sense of self and character. In the second stanza, he says that no matter what has happened to him, he's taken it and moved on.

He's been beaten up, but not beaten down, and certainly not beaten into submission. In the third stanza, rather reminiscent of Psalm 23 of the Christian Bible ("vale of doubt and fear" is identical allegory to "valley of the shadow of death," "the terror of the Shade" being the angel of death or god of the underworld, as in the first stanza we see that Henley's character is religious, but not Christian, as his “gods” are unidentified and existence questioned – “whatever gods there be”), he says that life is uncertain, and the afterlife possibly more so, yet he has no concern for that.

He goes on in the fourth saying that it matters not how he is judged ("how straight the gate" is an allusion to several different versions of Heaven and Hell, and “the scroll” is the judgment of his life) because he lived his life making his own choices, and is perfectly prepared to accept the consequences of those choices. His world and his choices are simply, utterly, and relentlessly, his own.

Why? Is it ego? Conceit? Hardly. Ego and conceit are not signs of confidence, but of a lack thereof, the leper's bell of someone lacking self-esteem and trying to fake it. This character has simply chosen to command his own life, to do with it the best he can, to accept all challenges to his life and well-being, and if he is to lose a battle, he will regroup, re-engage, and ultimately win the war.

What image does this paint for you? A sniveling, craven little wuss huddled in a corner of a dark room? I should say, "not just no, but hell no!" A man standing straight, tall, shoulders back, feet at shoulder width, head held high, ready for action; he may not own the world, but he certainly commands what part of it is around him. So blatantly heroic an image that it's not hard for a cape whipping in the breeze to enter the picture if you're not careful.

Why do I bother going through all of this about a poem? Wake up, gentlemen! This is the guy every woman wants her partner to be! At the very least, it is the image of him that she wants to hold, strong, confident, moving through the world with a purpose that is his own, in command (not CONTROL, mind you!) and in demand. Do you want to know one of the best-kept secrets in all of existence? Every one of us is born this way!

Really! Look at small children. They try to do things assuming that they will succeed. They don’t jump off the back of the couch and land face-first on the floor because they’re stupid; it’s because they’ve not yet learned that there are things that are impossible. Unfortunately, as they grow older, they learn a lot more than the simple physics of gravity, inertia, and motion that would keep them from jumping off the couch and busting their face again.

It is failure that they (we!) learn, and which plagues us all for the rest of our lives if we let it. The operational phrase there is "if we let it." It's a choice. Failure of any kind is a choice, a choice to be defeated instead of a choice to learn all we can, give something our best effort, and if it doesn't work out, to acknowledge that it required more resources - whether time, money, energy, relationships, or whatever - than we were able to muster, and to make course corrections so that we continue the journey toward something desirable. No matter what the outcome of any endeavor, it is only a failure if we choose to declare it so, and choose to be a loser or victim instead of a contender and survivor. And as long as a man truly gives something his best effort, he cannot fail; the only failure is to fail to rationally address an issue and meet it with whatever he can reasonably muster.

Do you realize that humans are the only species on Earth with the power of volitional choice - the power to think and choose everything, instead of simply growing to the point of being able to survive and then having all development stop? Intellect allows us to reach a point of being able to survive, then surpass that point and flourish, improving our standard of living, and possibly that of others around us and in generations to come. We are the top of the food chain for that reason and none other. Contrary to popular belief, being human isn't something for which one should apologize (..."I can't help it. I'm only human..."), it's something to which one should aspire! (Be a REAL man! Or be a REAL Woman! I think, therefore I succeed!)

Those whom women find the most attractive are those who have aspired to be and finally became supremely human men, the alpha male - the strong, confident male, able to make logical decisions, formulate successful plans, and carry them out with all the confidence in the world that he can do just that, who looks not at his feet, but at the horizon, and onward to the next world he is to master. Be that man; it's your choice, and her dream. Make both of you happy. If you have to, print this poem and put it where you can read it while you shave every morning. (Yes, EVERY morning! Real men have more self-respect than to run around with two-day old stubble on their face and “bed hair” trying to look like a thug or a flake, no matter what might be “in style”!) Memorize it, and recite it several times throughout the day. Get it done.

It’s time to take charge, and make the world your own. She'll notice. It’s not an act. It’s a matter of first learning how things work and what the best behavior is, then toning down your bad behavior while enhancing the good behavior, and then adding to the good behavior with other traits that you can enjoy having and she will enjoy seeing. There’s a full explanation of all of this and an effective training seminar to help you put it all to work in a natural, stress-free manner, in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” so download it now at http://www.makingherhappy.com/. Go ahead, do it now, and start living the “unconquered” life, because life is too short to live it otherwise.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham