Saturday, February 27, 2010

Is Your Relationship or Marriage Working FOR You or AGAINST You?

There’s only one way to have a great relationship, and that’s to choose one that works for you instead of against you. Do you know how to do it? I’ll show you…

Often I hear people say things like, “I’m just going to stay single because being in a relationship takes too much work,” or, “I’ve never been in a good relationship, and I don’t think I could find one if it jumped up and bit me.” That’s really sad, and so untrue. I’ll tell you why, but first, Meet Leo:

Dear David,

What can I say, but I am completely different person than I was 3 months ago. A friend of mine told me about your book and how it made such a huge difference in her husband that she feels like she is living with a different person. I thought that was great for her but since I was a single man what could I possibly learn from it? Boy I was wrong!

I started reading your book and using the information I was gaining while dating other women and it was fantastic. Learning to be an Alpha Male is not just limited to guys who are married or who are trying to save their marriage, and not all it takes to find and enjoy a great relationship. Using what I learned from your book I started to date women who I could really have a relationship with instead of just being out there playing the hit and miss game.

Defining myself and what I wanted in a partner and a relationship made it easy to find women who I was attracted to and that I could talk with and share my life. Your “be slow to hire, quick to fire” advice and all the tips on reading and communicating with women enabled me to filter out the poor choices and spend more time looking for and enjoying good choices.

It took a few tries, but I have met some of the most wonderful women, and I really think there is one in particular that could go all the way. The feeling we have for each other or real and the attraction is so strong we have a hard time acting our age sometimes, and we can talk for hours and hours without getting bored. That all-important connection is there, and it’s so strong that we feel as if we’ve known each other since childhood, and it’s only been a few weeks.

Thanks for everything!
Leo


Congratulations, Leo, and thanks for writing. I’m glad you’re getting so much out of my book. There really is some work that needs to be done to have a great relationship, but as you’ve learned, it’s not the “walking on eggshells” routine that so many mismatched couples find themselves living with every day. It’s nearly all best performed on the front-end…

Before you can have a great relationship with a woman, you have to know yourself, and you have to know what kind of person you want and can get along with. If the person you want and the person you can get along with well are two different people, then you will have to go through a little self-improvement to be compatible with the person you want to live and enjoy life with.

For instance, if you want someone who will frequently travel to Italy with you on business and/or pleasure trips, it would be good if she spoke Italian, liked Italian food, and liked to travel, and it would also be good if you spoke the language as well so the two of you could remain fluent in between trips. It gives you common ground, something to do together, etc.

By the same token, if you want someone with an athletic build, you may have to take up a genuine interest in personal fitness and get fit yourself to present an image compatible with what such a person wants, because if they are interested in personal fitness, they may also prefer a partner that is committed to good health, will go to the gym or other activity with them, will have a compatible diet and can enjoy the same foods, etc.

You also have to be able to communicate fluently with women to be able to tell whether you really have that compatibility or if you’re sitting across the table from a lonely desperate person who has a bit of acting talent. I’m not at all implying that all lonely women will try to “hook” or “trap” a man any more than I would imply the same about men; some will, some won’t. When people get lonely, they will stretch themselves a bit to try to fit in with other people, and since being around others feels better than being alone, they may also think that this new thing they’ve picked up, whether an activity, attitude, or whatever, that is totally foreign to them is a good thing because it brought them company that they needed, and they try to keep up something that really isn’t them, and over time, they decide it isn’t working for them and the relationship falls apart.

You need to be able to communicate with women well enough that you can spot this early, and be able to communicate it to them in a way that will let you keep things honest and even break it off if necessary without leaving either of you feeling like you’ve been attacked. There’s a big difference between admitting that “your personalities don’t mesh” and trying to admit that “you’re not good enough.”

As I’ve said many times, the rules for creating attraction are somewhat different in the game of attracting new people than in keeping a good relationship alive and exciting, and there are other gurus, like John Alanis, and Shelley McMurtry, who can give you great advice on meeting new people. My focus is on an exciting and enjoyable long-term relationship, which starts with understanding what those kind of relationships are about and being prepared to find one and keep it alive. I’ll show you what to look for, and they’ll show you how to meet women and filter out the bad candidates quickly so you can focus on the better candidates and really check them out well with what I teach you.

That’s where “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” will serve you well. If you’re not in a relationship it will help you be able to find a great one amongst all the people you meet, and if you’re in one, it will help you either make it better or recognize that it can’t go anywhere because of irreconcilable differences and get out, hopefully without starting World War III and bankrupting yourself in the process. No matter where you are with regard to a satisfying long-term committed relationship or marriage, there is high-quality, tested, proven, guaranteed help for you at http://www.makingherhappy.com. Go get it and get started now, right now, before you do anything else, because life is definitely too short to spend it frustrated, lonely, angry, bored, cheating, and/or celibate, and with this help, you can fix and prevent them all.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, February 26, 2010

Use Natural "Guy Drive" to Improve Your Relationship or Marriage

Guys are naturally tinkerers and tweakers, so why don’t we channel that natural energy into tuning up and dialing in our relationships or our marriage?

Before we get into today’s lesson, I have to tell you that I am excited! As you may or may not know, I’ve been setting up a forum for you folks to hang out on, and it has required several upgrades, new features have been added to the extent that it’s four times bigger than the idea I started with, and I just finished installing and testing live chat features that provide both an open chat room and private live chat. It is going to be a BEAST! Something for everyone, to be sure. So stay tuned, because pretty soon I’m going to run out of ideas for add-ins and open it up and let you tell me what’s missing.

Let’s get into today’s lesson. I thought of this several days ago, and I’ve been stewing over it ever since. There is something that all of us do, one way or another, that is so distinctly masculine that it’s included in any stereotype of men. We just can’t leave well enough alone.

We can buy a perfectly good car, and can’t rest until we’ve customized something or souped it up. We buy a computer, and have to tinker with all the settings to try to squeeze every last ounce of performance out of it, even if it’s already so blazing fast that it’s obscene. We sharpen a knife or tool until it’s sharp, and then keep going until it will shave, and then shave cleanly, and then shave so cleanly that we can’t feel the blade taking the hair off of our forearm. We’ll shoot a 70 at the golf course and spend another thousand dollars on training videos and consultations with a golf pro to shoot a 69 next time. And the list goes on and on…

So why the hell don’t we spend any time or effort trying to “trick out” our relationship or marriage until we’re threatened with losing it??? Does that make even a little sense to you? Frankly, I find it downright embarrassing!

The masculine brain is physically and chemically configured for problem-solving and optimizing, and we’ll flat burn it up trying to squeeze one more mile per gallon or one more tenth of a second in the quarter mile out of our car, or rigging some kind of sharpening jig for a hand tool blade, or a cutting jig to get that cut just a little straighter. We’ll get down on our knees with our ass higher than our head in a public place to check the lay of the ground around the hole we want a golf ball to go into without a second thought. Yet we waste this most amazing of all resources on this planet when it comes to getting along with the woman we love!

Gentlemen, that’s just insane! If you’re going to engineer something, or optimize something, make it something that really counts, and something with unlimited potential for payback, like your marriage! This may come as a shock to you, but “optimizing” a relationship or marriage can be more fun and rewarding than any other pursuit you can name! Just imagine a life that’s filled with love, fun, adventure, sex, and laughter, and devoid of eye-rolling, fit-pitching, being screamed at for something that never happened, etc. You want some of that? Yeah, I thought so. Indeed, having lived with it, I can tell you with authority that you want all of it you can get.

So I’m going to keep this short today, and issue a challenge to every man alive. Use your greatest natural resource, your brain, and that wonderful thing, whatever it is, that makes us push to make things the absolute best they can be, to bring your relationship and/or marriage up to a level where both of you can enjoy it to the exclusion of all else. Once you have that done, and while maintaining it, turn your energy to your children, your career, and any other worthwhile pursuit.

Get your priorities straight, take responsibility for the condition of your relationship or marriage, and channel your natural talents and energy where they can do you the most good. Who cares that you golfed a 69 last weekend if while you were doing it your wife was sitting with a bunch of women bitching about how inattentive you are, or worse, holed up in a hotel room somewhere with another man laughing about what a moron you are? It may not be that bad yet, and if you get on the ball right now, it will get better before it has a chance to get that bad.

And I’ll give you a leg up, too, the relationship tweaker’s encyclopedia. It’s called "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and you can download your copy at http://www.makingherhappy.com right now and be getting your relationship or marriage dialed in within just a few minutes. Or you can go play another nine holes or put new plugs in the hot rod while your wife is fantasizing about (or “doing”) the gardener, pool boy, your best friend – get the picture? It’s your call. Make the right one.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Desperation: the Great Destroyer of Lives, Relationships and Marriage

What’s the old saying? “Desperate times call for desperate measures…”? Well, maybe, but the last thing they call for are desperate people making a bigger mess of things through desperate, irrational acts. How do you handle trouble in your relationship? Do you act desperate and go out of your way to try to please your partner? That kind of wuss behavior makes things worse, not better!

I got the strangest call from a friend in Phoenix, and I have to share some of the details with you. My friend Jake, a man’s man if ever there was one, called and said he and his wife of 22 years were suddenly having a lot of trouble, and he was scared to death he was going to lose her. I was instantly in shock when I heard this, because I’ve known him since we were at the Air Force Academy together in the early 1980’s, and “fear” is one word I could never put in the same sentence with his name, unless it was to say he had none for anything or anyone.

As an example, Jake and his wife met sky-diving. Her chute failed to open, he saw it, chased her and caught her in the air before opening his own, and they had never met before that other than sharing the ride up to jump altitude. He sort of reminds me of the character “Swoop” in the Wesley Snipes movie “Drop Zone,” just a fearless maniac, and his wife is just like him.

Getting back to the call, Jake’s business had started to slow down, and he had some severe personal catastrophes (simultaneous deaths of both parents and a brother in a car accident, robbery at this house, and his wife nearly car-jacked – didn’t happen because she was armed!) within a very short period of time, and the pressure got to him and understandably “rattled” him a bit. He started sticking a little closer to his wife, and she subconsciously started picking up on wuss signals and losing interest in him after 22 years, which REALLY rattled him, and in a weakened state he wussed completely out and said to her, for the first time in 22 years, “I need you,” instead of “I love you.” You can guess what happened next…

She went ballistic! Now remember, these are two of the most fiercely independent and fearless people I’ve ever met, and I’ve been among the cream of the world’s crop. This started a cycle, the same cycle that always sets in when a “scarcity mentality” (as John Alanis puts it) sets in, a cycle of one partner getting insecure and needier and the other partner rejecting them more because of it, which in turn feeds the insecurity and intensifies the neediness, which amplifies the rejection, etc. Jake became desperate and did what desperate men do in a relationship – he wussed out and made it worse!

Desperation is a state of fear, the strongest of emotions, that borders on terror; you’re still able to act where terror would immobilize you entirely, but you’re completely unable to think and proceeding entirely on emotion. Here’s a big, BIG tip: Real-world problems require real-world solutions. Desperate problems and desperate people still require real-world solutions. When you ignore reality, things don’t get better, they get worse!

Jake knew from 22 years of living with his wife how she would react to him being a wuss, and he did it anyway! He lost sight of reality! Needless to say, when I pointed this out to him, he did the typical alpha male thing and spent a minute kicking his own ass, then said, “I gotta do some serious damage control, and yeah, I know what to do. I’ll call ya in a day or two when the smoke clears,” and hung up. I can hear the conversation that followed with his wife:

“Yeah, dammit, I freaking wussed out because everything came at once and the stress just got to me. I haven’t forgotten who I am and I certainly haven’t forgotten who you are, either. I’m going to apologize for the wuss act, for no other reason than because after 22 years of being married to you, I know that wussing out on you was just plain freaking insulting, and you didn’t deserve it. I talked to Dave (I hate it when he calls me that and I swear I think he does it just to yank my chain!) and he told me I’ve had my head up my ass and he’s right, so it’s over and not going to happen again. Now get over here and gimme me some lovin’, you saucy-looking wench, so I can get back to work.”

Obviously, not everyone would or should handle that situation with exactly that language, but that’s Jake and the way he handles things is blunt and head-on, a text-book example of an Alpha Male, and his wife is the same way, at least to the extent that women can be. She’ll know the crisis is past because he’s acting like himself and not seeking her approval anymore, which is what she’s looking for to know that things are back to normal. For them, it took a few seconds to patch things up, as I’m sure he’ll tell me about in a few days when he gets a new handle on business, takes some time to grieve for his lost parents, etc., but for an average couple, it would probably take a few days to a couple of weeks to turn things back around because entering into wuss mode is a pretty serious offense, as is the failure to recognize reality and think before you act.

Speaking of which, I’m going to mention as another example of what desperation can do to you something that happened to one of you. I’m not going to reprint his e-mails because I haven’t asked for his permission to use them, but this is too compelling an example to not use here. He wrote saying his wife had filed for divorce after they had had a wonderful dating period and marriage which suddenly went south when their first child was born because they started behaving differently. He still had the presence of mind to recognize from these newsletters that he had slipped into wuss mode, but failed to notice the significance of several of the details he mentioned in the newsletter.

First, she had filed for divorce, but was telling him that she still cared about him and they still got along well, and had even been out to dinner together alone (without their child). Say it with me, Ladies, loud and clear so the men will hear you: “She testing him and/or trying to provoke him to kick him out of wuss mode!” Also, she said she had just lost her “deep feelings” for him. Ladies??? Yep, ATTRACTION was gone because he was in wuss mode. And the kicker: he said he couldn’t afford a copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage”! I’ve spent a lot more than the cost of that book on LUNCH! Could he then afford the legal fees, alimony, child support, and property settlement coming down the pike from the impending divorce??? A dinner date would cost more than the book, and could make every dinner he had with her for the rest of his life something exciting!

I took the better part of a couple of hours to analyze everything he had said and sent him back a list of significant details and indications that had missed, including the above points, and a short time later I saw an e-mail notification from my merchant account company where he had bought the book and a “thank you” letter from him for helping him get his feet back on the ground, and a few hours after that was another e-mail saying he was half-way through the book, was already recognizing some of the signals in their conversations and a lot of his previous wuss behavior, and extremely excited. Seeing a plan start forming and realizing that there is action you can take to make a difference can eliminate feelings of desperation in the blink of an eye, but none of that can happen if you ignore reality and the lessons it holds for you while in a state of fearful desperation.

Don’t let what happened to these couples happen in your home. Learn how to communicate with your partner on a level that neither of you dared dream of, and learn what it takes to continuously and automatically keep her excited, interested, and attracted to you, and she will return your effort many-fold. For us men, it takes some effort, but for the ladies in our lives, it’s automatic – they are biologically wired to take care of us as long as we take care of them.

They still must expend effort and energy to do so, but they don’t have to make a conscious effort to figure out how like we do, and enjoy doing it when given the opportunity. That’s why I chose the name for my web site, makingherhappy.com, because the key to a happy and harmonious relationship really is in making HER happy by keeping that attraction alive and well, being the alpha male that your “Y” chromosome gives you the infrastructure to be, having fun with her being the naughty boy, tripping her triggers so that all those wonderful and entirely automatic responses we love (nurturing, playfulness, adventurousness, seduction, etc.) happen.

When you think about it, love, attraction, and an appropriate level of respect, commitment, and responsibility are really all women ask of us in return for all the wonderful nurturing, partnership and intimacy they are prepared to give us, and in that light it doesn’t seem like a lot to ask, does it? Don’t ignore reality. You probably already have everything it takes to knock her socks off except the know-how (you knew how at one time or it happened naturally, else you probably wouldn’t be in a long-term relationship or marriage right now, would you?), and the know-how is in my book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy right now and make things right, before you find yourself in that desperate downward spiral.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

How Honey-Do Lists Can Make or Break Your Relationship or Marriage

We all have them. Some of us find them amusing and fun, while others hate them as the bane of their existence, a constant source of stress and a major hurdle to doing anything that they may want to do. Yes, I’m talking about the dreaded “Honey-Do” list. How you handle it has a HUGE impact on your relationship, and it can be good or bad. The good news is it’s YOUR choice, not hers…

I spent almost all of this past weekend in my workshop building cabinets, doors, tool storage racks, etc., turning it into a real man cave for a “do-it-yourselfer” like me. In my life, productive work is a person’s greatest virtue, and I love doing anything that helps me to do more, competently, or do things more efficiently. Next weekend I may well do the exact same thing, and love every minute of it.

You have another weekend coming up. And many more after that, until the end of your life. What are you going to do with each of them? Or even the next one? According to your letters, for many of you Friday is just your last day of rest before another frustrating and laborious weekend spent trying to shorten your “Honey-Do” list.

I want to ask you a really simple and blunt question: WHY???

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself a single question about your honey-do list, let alone all of the pertinent questions? Well brothers, it’s time.

The first question you need to ask yourself is why you have a honey-do list (hereafter referred to as simply “the list”) to start with! To answer that question, we need to consider the various reasons that women construct the list, and then look at what is on YOUR list to verify their intent. Ready?

Some of the reasons women construct this list are logical and productive, others amusing, and still others downright diabolical. Let’s take a look at these.

1. It makes you look and feel important around the house

2. It makes you unavailable to look and feel important around other women

3. It helps distribute the task load so that you each have equal free time

4. It helps distribute the task load so that she has more free time and you have less or none.

5. It gets things done that she is unable to do herself

6. It gets you to do things that she could do herself so that she’s free to have fun while you’re working on the list.

7. It promotes a feeling of cooperation and teamwork

8. It creates an investment in the relationship that you will be reluctant to cash in even if the relationship or marriage goes bad.

9. It makes good use of otherwise idle time

10. It puts her in complete control of your free time and ensures that you won’t be tempted to have any fun of any kind without her, even though she may be having loads of fun without you while you’re working on the list.

11. It’s more affordable for you to do the work instead of hiring it out

12. It frees up money for her to spend on other things that she wants, without regard for what you might want, which will be purchased when she’s out shopping while you’re working on shortening the list.

13. It lets your wife see you acting competently and confidently to get things done.

14. It lets your wife see just how much crap you’ll put up with from her – TESTING!

15. It helps to maintain or even increase the value of your real estate so that you can upgrade later or contribute profits to your retirement.

16. It helps to maintain or even increase the value of your real estate so that she has more to take with her when she leaves you for the gardener, playboy, or biker she noticed recently after you bored her to death.

What’s the first thing you notice about this list? How about that there are an equal number of good and bad reasons for the list and its elements, and that each good reason has a directly opposing bad reason? That means we cannot make snap judgments and say silly stuff like, “My wife would NEVER do that to me,” or “My wife is such a nagging, selfish witch that she’s just making me do everything so she doesn’t have to,” so drop any preconceptions and let’s look at the facts of your relationship through a few other simple questions.

How many of the things on your list are things that:

…your wife is unable to do?

…your wife is unable to help you with?

…you do well and/or enjoy doing?

…you don’t do well and/or despise doing?

…your wife offers to help you with or you will be doing while she is working on something else?

…your wife informs you that you will be doing while she is out shopping or doing something fun?

The answers to those questions will tell the tale. They will also tell you what you need to do about your list!

If there are things on your list that your wife could do, why isn’t she doing them, or helping you to do them?

If there are things on your list that you hate to do or aren’t skilled enough to do competently and safely, why are they not either being done by your wife or being hired out?

If there are things on your list weekend after weekend that you are doing while she is out having fun, when did you hand over your testicles to her?

Yes, I DID say that. Committed relationships and marriages are partnerships, are they not? (If you just answered “no,” take that as a sign that you need to be on the phone with me within the next 24 hours!) That does not mean that you do all the hard stuff while she has all the fun any more than it means that you drink up your paycheck every week and beat the hell out of her to keep her in submission while you spend her paycheck to keep the bills paid. It’s a two-way street, and if you’re not doing your share of traffic control, somebody else in your house is “wearing the pants in the family,” as the saying goes.

So what do you do? That depends on what answers you have to all these questions, but when you have the answers, what you do about it will be self-evident. If your tasks are on your list for the right reasons, have fun with it. Open some negotiations and playfully challenge your wife on her contributions, get her to help you with the items on the list, etc. Tit-for-tat (no pun intended) can be a lot of fun.

If however, your list turns out to be a “massive cargo of bovine fecal matter” (a big load of bulls**t), it’s time to turn the tables. Tell your wife that you’re done spending every free minute you have working on the list while she’s out having a good time, and that she’s going to share responsibilities, to include taking up a part-time job to help pay for things that need to be hired out if your financial situation calls for it. If she threatens to leave over it, let her go; either she’s testing (women do a lot of that, remember?) or you just flushed out a spoiled brat or a toxic gold-digger who was taking a free ride at the expense of your life and hard work, and life’s too short to live like that.

Gentlemen, it’s really just this simple: If you are referring to your wife as your “ball and chain,” you’re either married to the wrong woman, you’re allowing her to take advantage of you, or you’re being punished for not stepping up to the leadership position that you are supposed to be filling, whether it’s intentional or not.

These problems are entirely correctable, and only serious cases of incompatibility or skullduggery require divorce to correct them. Most problems, including honey-do list and others, require only that you stand up and act like a man, taking a leadership role (not a bullying, controlling role, mind you) in the decision-making, resource allocation, etc., and then inviting, listening intently to, and considering your partner’s input if she has any before finalizing decisions. Can you do that?

Certainly, but maybe not in your present condition. To lead you need to know about leadership, and to lead a woman you also need to know about women: how they think and communicate, what they want, need, and expect, and what turns them on and pisses them off. You got all that under control there, Sparky?

If not, go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and get it under control, quickly and effectively, as have the many before you who have done everything from stopping divorces dead in their tracks to making mediocre relationships the envy of the community.

Who am I to make such a claim? The translator for several hundred women who contributed to the content and have watched their husbands become the man of their dreams, and a guy who saved his own marriage with this information. If you’re going to ask for advice, go to the source, somebody who HAD the same problems as you and fixed them, not somebody who HAS the same problems you do and miserable, or worse yet, has never had the problem and has only an opinion as to why you do or what to do about it.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Women's Comments on "Don Juan DeMarco" That Tell You EXACTLY What They Want in Relationships and Marriage

Women respond to my advice for you to watch the movie, “Don Juan DeMarco,” and you should hear – and learn from -- what they have to say!

I received a bunch of comments about the movie, “Don Juan DeMarco,” that I mentioned a few days ago, which you can read here in the archive if you missed it. Some of the guys were saying they really didn’t get it, others complaining that it was a lame movie (it was a chick-flick, and guys, if you want to learn about women, chick-flicks can be a great source of good info), and others saying, “Amen, brother!” because they did as I asked and studied the characters and how they interacted instead of watching for breasts, butts, gunfire, explosions, comedy, loud music and special effects, which is what most guys look for in a movie. However…

What really got my attention were the responses sent in by the women. There was a common thread, and let’s see if you can pick it out. First, meet Tammi:

Dear David,

Whenever my daughter and I have extra time together we like to watch movies together. She is now 16 I find it funny to see how she reacts to some of them. At your suggestion, last night we sat down with our large bowl of popcorn and turned on Don Juan Demarco. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie I was ready to find that man and have my turn with him! As we watched I found myself placing myself in the position of the actress he was with. I have always loved Johnny Depp and that was the original reason I wanted to watch this movie, but as the movie went on I did not even notice him in the movie. All I could think about was how I wish that Don Juan was the man I would be spending the night with.

I also noticed something else going on with my daughter. She had noticed as much of the sexiness of the movie as I did and even at the age of 16 was responding as much as dear old mom, especially to that early scene where he’s holding the woman’s hand in the restaurant and caressing and kissing her fingers and her knuckles are white as she grips the table cloth trying to keep from jumping his bones right there in the restaurant.

If your male readers will watch this movie and to pay close attention they too can have their woman sticking to their seats and just by the soft caresses or the soft kissing of the hand have then upstairs in no time having the time of their lives with their wives or girlfriends.

Tammi


And now, meet Joannne:

Hi David!

GAWD, I hate you! I’m going to be stuck to my couch for the next week after watching that “Don Juan DeMarco” movie you suggested. That first scene was SOOO HOT! I don’t really hate you, but I really didn’t realize what I’ve been missing in a man, and you’ve opened my eyes. I’d give anything to have a man so able to look at life and see the best that could be found like he did. It would be such a joy after living with all the bitching and moaning I live with now. I never really cared for Johnny Depp, but watching him play that character has given me a whole new appreciation for him and for men in general. If a man on the TV screen can make me feel like that, I long to think what a real man can make me feel. Can your book make my husband like this? If so, I want a hundred copies! I still get wet when I think about him kissing her fingers. Damn you! LOL! Just kidding!

Thanks so much for the dream,
Joanne


And this is Devonia:

Dear David:

How did you know something like that could turn me on so much? Was your wife watching the movie with you when you watched it or something? I got so wet watching that scene where Johnny Depp was playing with that woman’s fingers in the restaurant I would have stuck to the chair I was sitting in if it were leather. As it was I left a wet spot on the upholstery. When they showed her white knuckled from grabbing the table cloth I laughed because my knuckles were white were I was gripping the arms of the chair. I’m going to make my husband watch it with me tonight. He’ll see how it affects me and either be really smart and get a clue or be really stupid and ridicule me for getting excited over something on TV, in which case I may just have to start looking for someone who’s a little more attentive, if you know what I mean. In any case, thanks for the thrill!

Devonia


Did you spot the common thread? These women literally got wet watching another man seduce another woman on television! No matter what you may think, women want to be seduced. They want romance. They will live vicariously through others to get it, even on TV, but sooner or later, they want the real thing. They want to enjoy their life, and if they’ve chosen to enter into a committed relationship, they want to enjoy it with him. They want him to take charge and make things happen, to look around and see the good things in the world, especially in them.

If you’ve still not seen this movie, you’re cheating yourself and your partner. Indeed, watch it with her, and when you see her gripping the arm of the couch a little too firmly as he kisses her hand, take her hand and lead her to your bed, or just start something right there on the couch by kissing her fingers and such, then go back and watch the rest of the movie afterward, “snuggled up in the divine afterglow of the pinnacle of passion,” as DeMarco might say… or don't, and don't be surprised when your wife "starts looking for someone a little more attentive," as Devonia says.

For those of you who still don’t get it, women often read romance novels and watch romance movies to get themselves amped up for YOU, especially when you’re not doing a good job of creating attraction and romance and getting them into the kind of mood where they want to seduce you. If you see your wife reading a romance novel in your bed, don’t be an idiot and bitch about the light keeping you awake. Watch for signs of excitement, like darting eyes and elevated breathing, then gently take the book from her as you start making magic!

Guys, this is one small example of the tremendous insight and advice that you will find in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” not just my own, but also that of hundreds of couples who have helped research and test the contents of this book both before and after its writing. Every man alive should read this book if he ever wants to be happy in a long-term relationship with a woman, because no matter how much you think you know, there’s always something valuable that can be learned from the experience of others that can be used to make your life together even better. Indeed, I have multiple unsolicited testimonials declaring that it should be required reading in high school!

Face it, if you already knew everything you wanted and needed to know about getting along and getting it on with women, you’d be writing this newsletter, not reading it, so go for the gusto and become an expert! Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy right now, because life is just too short to spend it doing anything less than enjoying it, especially if you have a woman in your life!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, February 22, 2010

Is the Alpha Male Always Right? Leadership and Cooperation in Relationships and Marriage

Alpha males make decisions and take the lead, and women love them for it, IF they do it the right way. There are a whole lot more ways to do it wrong than right, so let’s talk about the right way…

I’ve had a few letters recently from some women, some on my mailing list, some whose partners are on the list and share their newsletter, who say that their man just isn’t getting this Alpha Male concept. The percentage of readers is small, but this is a critical point, and there may be others who haven’t written to me about it because some people just will not write to ask a question or express a concern no matter what incentive one provides, so let’s straighten this out, once and for all.

Women love and respond to the Alpha Male personality, even when they’d rather not. It’s a biologically-triggered response to the primal image of a good leader, protector, provider, father, etc., in short, an achiever. It doesn’t matter whether or not a woman actually needs any of these things, they are “biologically wired” to respond to this personality and behavior when they see it, period. Just ask them! It’s a HUGE factor in the success of a heterosexual relationship.

Being the Alpha Male means that you have the ability and responsibility to make decisions and lead, not that you are somehow empowered to make all the decisions without anyone else’s – especially your partner’s – input, and then force them on everybody else, unless of course you are in some sort of military or paramilitary service and in the line of fire at the moment. The thought that should NEVER cross your mind is “I’m going to make all the decisions without a word from you because I’m the man and you’re just a woman so I know best.” That’s control, not leadership.

If such words don’t get you bashed in the head with an iron skillet, you have a particularly damaged or intimidated partner. It may not be a skillet, but the punishment options are many, and severe, to include:

-- Beating, maiming (a la Lorena Bobbitt!), and even killing you in your sleep (yes, you have to sleep some time, don’t you?)

-- Sleeping with one of your siblings, your best friend, or that obnoxious jackass you despise at work

-- Padding all household expenditures and hiding the money away for divorce while telling you that inflation is eating your paycheck faster and faster and passing information about your personal life on to people in your office, undermining you there

-- Becoming suddenly quite helpless and needy to show you what it can be like if she really doesn’t participate (passive aggression is a real pain)

-- Giving you enough rope to hang yourself

There’s plenty more, but you get the picture, or at least you’d better. Women may be physically weaker on average than men, but don’t ever be deceived into thinking they are defenseless, or dunces. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, embarrassed, ridiculed, cuckold, or just generally pissed off, for that matter. They’re inclined to make decisions, including those regarding why and how you should be punished, based on emotions, not logic, remember? And once that decision is made, they can self-validate it and then enlist the validation of their entire social circle, all the while prepared to say, “…but I’m a GOOD person.” Yes, I’m speaking from personal experience and that of many others.

So let’s get back on track. We’ve covered what to avoid and why, so what is it you are supposed to do with regard to decision-making as an attractive, desirable Alpha Male? You take the lead in the discussions, and you invite input without asking for permission. She’s your partner, not your servant (or as our British cousins used to call them, “dogsbody,” like Baldrick on the old “Black Adder” comedy series – my favorite, by the way, except possibly for another BBC series called “Coupling”!), your child, or any other subservient peon.

Women don’t want to take the lead in decision-making most of the time, partially because it’s usually more stressful for them (due to their more social nature) and they like seeing us standing tall and taking the lead doing things; it's literally a turn-on if done correctly! They do, however, want a fair hearing, and when a decision is made they need to feel like their input has been considered and somehow involved in the decision, also part of that social nature. (Those of you who have been with me for awhile or have read “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” know that every situation with a woman is a negotiation, and must be handled as such – see the book for details!)

That in turn does not mean that you should compromise a good decision to try to make them feel good about something. That’s wuss behavior, is very likely to be tested for, and if you fail the test you’re a spineless wussy – a.k.a. “toast”. It means that if the two of you disagree, you proceed logically and together to find the discrepancy or contradiction in someone’s thinking, finally agree that you have good information and are looking at the best alternative, and then you make it official by “deciding” to move forward with the best option.

This must be done objectively, looking only for WHAT is right, not WHO is right. Resolution, not revenge. Cooperation, not competition. That kind of competition between partners is the kiss of death, and a sure-fire sign of self-esteem problems and ego hang-ups that can kill not only attraction, but the relationship if not resolved. You are partners. It’s the two of you (and your kids if you have any) against the world. Act appropriately. When you have different ideas of how things work or what should be done, detach yourselves from the “who” issue and look for the facts. Try to prove each point either true or false, without care for which way it goes, as long as in the end, what you are left with is right and best. Then just do it.

This is what attractive, Alpha Male behavior looks like. If you want to make it particularly sexy, after the ideas are on the table have some fun with exploring the options and negotiating the solutions. Pick and verbally spar a little bit. Allow a little bit of EXTRA FRIENDLY competition, always keeping in mind that you’re on the same team. Jump back and forth from naughty and fun to serious and strong, always being careful to not give the impression that you are making light of her ability to contribute.

Being the Alpha Male is about being a real man, not about being a bully or a know-it-all. It’s about leading, not dominating. It’s about being assertive, not mean, aggressive, controlling, manipulative, etc. It’s about being playful at times, when a tension-breaker is needed, not ridiculing your partner and having a laugh entirely at her expense. Brutally aggressive and vicious behavior fits the alpha personalities of four-legged predators, but humans are above that. We can reason and choose according to reason instead of instinctively moving to kill anything that challenges us. Think, as your birthright entitles you and your life requires of you, and you will succeed.

There’s a wealth of details on how to be an attractive Alpha Male in my book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” You need to do it, she certainly wants and needs you to do it, so do it! And get it done now! It really doesn’t matter if your middle-aged or even beyond, overweight, losing your gray hair, etc. – I’m all of the above! It’s about the personality for all but the most incredibly shallow of women. If you have any doubts at all, take a look at me! Download your copy right now at http://www.makingherhappy.com, because women respond to the alpha male by being happy and making you happy, and life is too short to spend it any other way but happy.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

You Might Be Surprised At What Buddha Knew That Could Save Your Relationship or Marriage

I’m not a Buddhist, and I was surprised at how relevant this advice is to modern-day relationships and marriage. Indeed, you may be as surprised as I was!

I subscribe to a lot of newsletters, newsfeeds, advisories, etc., in a lot of different fields to stay on top of various things that are happening in my life. One of them is Michael Masterson’s “Early to Rise” (http://www.earlytorise.com/), which is a free daily with health, wealth, and wisdom tips, a word-of-the-day bit, and a few other interesting things.

I know Michael from years gone by when I was studying copywriting; he runs the American Writers and Artists Institute, and is pretty much a “brainiac” who is an expert marketer, has done very well for himself investing, has a lot of very good contacts in healthcare education (he’s also behind the Health Sciences Institute), and probably a lot that I don’t know about these days. This is not a paid or affiliate recommendation; his stuff is simply good enough for me to find useful information in and I’m sure you will too.

The main reason I mention it is in a recent edition, one of his associates, Robert Ringer, wrote a piece on Buddha’s quote, “All unhappiness is caused by attachment,” and it struck a chord, rung a bell, or however you want to say that it got my attention, because that is more true of relationships than anything else.

People get attached to habits, ideas, people, places, jobs, possessions, etc., and they make bad decisions out of fear of losing those things, instead of good decisions about advancing their life. I’ve addressed that in other newsletters and in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and will be addressing it frequently in the future, because it is so very important in keeping things in perspective. Let’s look at just how those five things I just listed could literally destroy you or your relationship:

Habits. Let’s say you and your wife smoke at the time you get together, and something causes her to quit, maybe a case of pneumonia or flu, adult-onset of asthma, a close call with lung cancer, or whatever, and she gives up the habit and you can’t, or won’t. What if you and your wife enjoyed clubbing before she became pregnant, and you insist on continuing to go several nights a week without her when she cannot go, and she takes exception to you being out drinking and dancing with other women in a place that is pretty much designed for singles to “hook up” in? Or maybe some dangerous hobby that you indulge in every week, that you should consider giving up now that you have children to support?

Ideas. Somebody tells you they think your wife might be cheating, because they saw her somewhere talking to a guy; she tells you it’s her brother, or a coworker, or somebody harmless, but your insecurity keeps you from letting it go and the idea continues to escalate even though there is no evidence. Or you have an idea for a business or product that you think the world will beat a path to your door to buy, and you continuously keep sinking more and more money into it, in spite of marketing data and other real-world facts saying that it was a bad idea, because you think you know more than the world does about what it wants? Henry Ford almost bankrupted the Ford Motor Company doing that…

People. Do we even need to go here? Ex-girlfriends, ex-wives or an ex-employer that you continue to be involved with in spite of the objections of your current partner or employer? So-called “friends” who trash every good idea you come up with because they can never come up with a good one and want you to be as miserable as they are? An employee who is bankrupting you with their incompetence but you don’t want to fire them because you’re concerned about the rest of their family? And biggest of all, a current partner who has declared it’s over and followed up by doing all the things that tell you that it’s not just a wake-up call and is definitely an unsalvageable situation?

Places. The house that you don’t want to move out of because of fond memories that keeps you from advancing your career because of the geographical constraints? The town you don’t want to leave because some ex-partner or friend lives there, in spite of the fact that your partner is going to leave town without you if you don’t go, or your career will dead-end?

Jobs. Don’t get me started! The job that you hate to get out of bed every morning to face but won’t leave because you’re afraid to look for another, or have yourself so over-extended that you can’t afford to leave it, even if the stress ends up killing you or ruining your marriage and alienating your children?

Possessions. Shall we start with the car, boat, or airplane that you can’t afford the payments on but would rather go bankrupt than to admit that you had overspent? What about the clutter of all those hobbies a person can start but never see through, and refuses to get rid of the trappings and clutter from those hobbies because they’re going to get back into it “one of these days…” Or my favorite, the stocks, real estate, collectibles, etc., that people get stuck with and take a bath on by holding onto them believing that they will forever continue to appreciate in value? Dot-com stock, anyone?

You’re quite right in observing that many of the things I listed don’t necessarily have a direct bearing on your relationship with your partner, but indirect relationships can be more than powerful enough to destroy it. Anything negative that is happening in your life stresses you out, makes you edgy, and possibly insecure, and those things do impact your relationship, often hard, and all too often fatally.

Another thing that caught my attention in that article was something that the writer has taken from something written by the Dalai Lama (the Buddhist leader, for those of you who are unfamiliar) about the dividing line between consciousness and unconsciousness being the interest in the alleviation of suffering and the quest for happiness. He supported this by quoting the four “Noble Truths” that Buddha taught in his first sermon:

Noble Truth No. 1: There is suffering.
Noble Truth No. 2: Suffering has an origin.
Noble Truth No. 3: The cessation of suffering is possible.
Noble Truth No. 4: There is a path to the cessation of suffering.

I’m not a Buddhist; my interest here is philosophical and logical, not religious. These four truths are indeed axiomatic, so profoundly factual as to be self-evident. There is suffering everywhere you look, and there is always a cause for it. A remedy for suffering can always be found and end it, even if that remedy is death (there are some political and religious leaders who take strong objection to this statement, because they want you to believe that your purpose of existence is to suffer). And last, due to the law of cause and effect, if suffering can be caused, so can its remedy. What does this mean for you and your relationship?

There are questions you can ask yourself to help you find that path to the cessation of suffering. Among those questions are “What did I do or fail to do to cause this?” and “What can I do or refrain from doing to fix this?” These are the questions a man will ask, a leader will ask, not a wuss who’s looking to blame everyone and everything else for his troubles. Asking these questions and formulating a factual answer is one of the most basic skills that distinguish the alpha male from all others. He takes responsibility for his situation and takes charge of improving it. Women love that, and they’ll tell you so. Just ask them.

What you will also find axiomatic is that your path will never be found in the answer to questions like, “Who did this to me?” or “Why did somebody have to do this to me?” or even “What can I get somebody to do to get me out of this mess?” You get out of problems by identifying them, figuring out how they came to be a problem, and figuring out what you can do (or refrain from doing) that will fix the problem, and then following through. Period.

The more you can let go of ego, blame, insecurity, dependence, fear, anger, etc., and take responsibility for yourself, your actions, and your situation, the more objective and truly “enlightened” you will become. The Buddhists aren’t the only ones for whom “enlightenment” equates to happiness…

If you are having problems in your relationship, your “path to enlightenment” can very likely be found in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” It contains the wisdom and experience of hundreds of people who have had relationship problems and overcome them, and then turned solid relationships into truly great relationships by getting tuned in and turned on to each other. (No, Baby Boomers, you DO NOT drop out – Timothy Leary was a long way from being “enlightened” or happy).

Seriously, it will help you figure out where you are, what got you there, where you need to go, and will give you the tools to lead a happy life whether it’s with your current partner, if she’s the right one, or another if she’s not – sometimes mismatched partners are one of those things you have to detach from to put your life back on track. Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy right now, and get started down your own path to happiness, because life is too short to spend it wandering down any other path.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham