Monday, February 22, 2010

Is the Alpha Male Always Right? Leadership and Cooperation in Relationships and Marriage

Alpha males make decisions and take the lead, and women love them for it, IF they do it the right way. There are a whole lot more ways to do it wrong than right, so let’s talk about the right way…

I’ve had a few letters recently from some women, some on my mailing list, some whose partners are on the list and share their newsletter, who say that their man just isn’t getting this Alpha Male concept. The percentage of readers is small, but this is a critical point, and there may be others who haven’t written to me about it because some people just will not write to ask a question or express a concern no matter what incentive one provides, so let’s straighten this out, once and for all.

Women love and respond to the Alpha Male personality, even when they’d rather not. It’s a biologically-triggered response to the primal image of a good leader, protector, provider, father, etc., in short, an achiever. It doesn’t matter whether or not a woman actually needs any of these things, they are “biologically wired” to respond to this personality and behavior when they see it, period. Just ask them! It’s a HUGE factor in the success of a heterosexual relationship.

Being the Alpha Male means that you have the ability and responsibility to make decisions and lead, not that you are somehow empowered to make all the decisions without anyone else’s – especially your partner’s – input, and then force them on everybody else, unless of course you are in some sort of military or paramilitary service and in the line of fire at the moment. The thought that should NEVER cross your mind is “I’m going to make all the decisions without a word from you because I’m the man and you’re just a woman so I know best.” That’s control, not leadership.

If such words don’t get you bashed in the head with an iron skillet, you have a particularly damaged or intimidated partner. It may not be a skillet, but the punishment options are many, and severe, to include:

-- Beating, maiming (a la Lorena Bobbitt!), and even killing you in your sleep (yes, you have to sleep some time, don’t you?)

-- Sleeping with one of your siblings, your best friend, or that obnoxious jackass you despise at work

-- Padding all household expenditures and hiding the money away for divorce while telling you that inflation is eating your paycheck faster and faster and passing information about your personal life on to people in your office, undermining you there

-- Becoming suddenly quite helpless and needy to show you what it can be like if she really doesn’t participate (passive aggression is a real pain)

-- Giving you enough rope to hang yourself

There’s plenty more, but you get the picture, or at least you’d better. Women may be physically weaker on average than men, but don’t ever be deceived into thinking they are defenseless, or dunces. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, embarrassed, ridiculed, cuckold, or just generally pissed off, for that matter. They’re inclined to make decisions, including those regarding why and how you should be punished, based on emotions, not logic, remember? And once that decision is made, they can self-validate it and then enlist the validation of their entire social circle, all the while prepared to say, “…but I’m a GOOD person.” Yes, I’m speaking from personal experience and that of many others.

So let’s get back on track. We’ve covered what to avoid and why, so what is it you are supposed to do with regard to decision-making as an attractive, desirable Alpha Male? You take the lead in the discussions, and you invite input without asking for permission. She’s your partner, not your servant (or as our British cousins used to call them, “dogsbody,” like Baldrick on the old “Black Adder” comedy series – my favorite, by the way, except possibly for another BBC series called “Coupling”!), your child, or any other subservient peon.

Women don’t want to take the lead in decision-making most of the time, partially because it’s usually more stressful for them (due to their more social nature) and they like seeing us standing tall and taking the lead doing things; it's literally a turn-on if done correctly! They do, however, want a fair hearing, and when a decision is made they need to feel like their input has been considered and somehow involved in the decision, also part of that social nature. (Those of you who have been with me for awhile or have read “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” know that every situation with a woman is a negotiation, and must be handled as such – see the book for details!)

That in turn does not mean that you should compromise a good decision to try to make them feel good about something. That’s wuss behavior, is very likely to be tested for, and if you fail the test you’re a spineless wussy – a.k.a. “toast”. It means that if the two of you disagree, you proceed logically and together to find the discrepancy or contradiction in someone’s thinking, finally agree that you have good information and are looking at the best alternative, and then you make it official by “deciding” to move forward with the best option.

This must be done objectively, looking only for WHAT is right, not WHO is right. Resolution, not revenge. Cooperation, not competition. That kind of competition between partners is the kiss of death, and a sure-fire sign of self-esteem problems and ego hang-ups that can kill not only attraction, but the relationship if not resolved. You are partners. It’s the two of you (and your kids if you have any) against the world. Act appropriately. When you have different ideas of how things work or what should be done, detach yourselves from the “who” issue and look for the facts. Try to prove each point either true or false, without care for which way it goes, as long as in the end, what you are left with is right and best. Then just do it.

This is what attractive, Alpha Male behavior looks like. If you want to make it particularly sexy, after the ideas are on the table have some fun with exploring the options and negotiating the solutions. Pick and verbally spar a little bit. Allow a little bit of EXTRA FRIENDLY competition, always keeping in mind that you’re on the same team. Jump back and forth from naughty and fun to serious and strong, always being careful to not give the impression that you are making light of her ability to contribute.

Being the Alpha Male is about being a real man, not about being a bully or a know-it-all. It’s about leading, not dominating. It’s about being assertive, not mean, aggressive, controlling, manipulative, etc. It’s about being playful at times, when a tension-breaker is needed, not ridiculing your partner and having a laugh entirely at her expense. Brutally aggressive and vicious behavior fits the alpha personalities of four-legged predators, but humans are above that. We can reason and choose according to reason instead of instinctively moving to kill anything that challenges us. Think, as your birthright entitles you and your life requires of you, and you will succeed.

There’s a wealth of details on how to be an attractive Alpha Male in my book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” You need to do it, she certainly wants and needs you to do it, so do it! And get it done now! It really doesn’t matter if your middle-aged or even beyond, overweight, losing your gray hair, etc. – I’m all of the above! It’s about the personality for all but the most incredibly shallow of women. If you have any doubts at all, take a look at me! Download your copy right now at, because women respond to the alpha male by being happy and making you happy, and life is too short to spend it any other way but happy.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

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