Saturday, August 01, 2009

What Rudyard Kipling Knew About Being a Man and Having a Great Relationship and Marriage

The great poet Rudyard Kipling knew a lot about being a man, the kind man that every woman wants, and unlike most poets, his poetic liberties were taken only with his choice of words, not with the image of a man as he is born and should live. Check this out…

As a general rule, I don’t have a lot of use for most poets. I enjoy good poetry as much as anyone else, but I’m told I’m a picky bastard when it comes to what constitutes good poetry. Indeed, I just avoid anything that would argue against being human, being a man, being happy being a man, or being attractive as a result of being happy being a man, and enjoy art and poetry that celebrates life, reality, and all of the above. You should, too. Think with me for a minute or two:

For me, and any Objectivist, fact and reality are the keys to the universe, and humans are acknowledged as being the top of the food chain because we are the only species that has the power of reason, granting us the ability to use facts to improve our lives and standard of living beyond the bare minimum requirements for survival; we are the only species of life on the planet able to do this. This makes us at least somewhat heroic, as we go beyond what all other life forms do in the pursuit and achievement of excellence.

For us, art, in all its forms must imitate and enhance life, not mock it, distort it, disparage or discourage it. It should be uplifting and inspiring or it serves no productive purpose. Hence, poetry, prose, music, plays, and films that reject or distort reality, or attempt to socially engineer our actions to go against that which we are born to be, is offensive, and there’s a lot of so-called “art” that falls into that category. Pretty direct and pretty simple.

I’ve published
W.E. Henley’s “Invictus” in more than one newsletter because it is such an uplifting work, along with some translator’s notes based upon Henley’s own comments because his choice of language and the period in which he wrote it made parts of it a little difficult to decipher enough see the picture that Henley was trying to paint with his words, but that won’t be necessary with Kipling…

He describes the man women want to know and love in great detail, calling out characteristics of leadership, confidence, character, courage, sense of humor, and everything else women want with example after example of the behaviors that flow from having an attitude proper to a man. Study and learn from him.

Without further ado, Rudyard Kipling’s “If”:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

This was passed on to me by one of my star students, a top executive in a very large company who is about as much a real guy as you’ll ever meet; despite a six-figure income he eats mostly game he kills himself and builds furniture in his workshop when he needs something. It’s not a matter of what he can afford, it’s the satisfaction and pride that a man feels in being competent, self-sufficient, and entirely independent that motivates him. (After reading "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," he’s a recruiting poster for ultimate males who know exactly what women want, say, and think and know how to respond!) Here’s what he had to say when he passed this poem on to me:

“I've had this posted in my office for years - one of only two things of the sort - I'm sure you've read it, but it's a newsletter in itself, I think. Men were better in those days.“

He’s right. Men were better in those days, before we all fell under the spell of bad programming that made us believe – in spite of generations of evidence to the contrary – that women want a nice guy who cries in public – and in her presence -- and leaves all the decisions up to her. But men are getting better…

They’re reading "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and their partners are responding as they shed this old programming and learn things that most men never knew about understanding and communicating with women to boot! Break-ups and divorces are being stopped, sometimes in as little as a week, as men find out that the root of their problem was some combination of being a wuss, not understanding what their wife was telling them, and allowing their wife (or girlfriend) to become bored and recognizing neither their part nor their responsibility in that mistake.

The causes were simple but mysterious, yet the cure is simple, not mysterious at all, and no longer has to elude you. Simply go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," right now, and get your relationship back on track, quickly, or just go right ahead and keep thinking that those conversations and romantic interludes in the bedroom that are growing shorter and less frequent don’t really mean anything, and then come see me when she says she’s leaving and it’s ten times harder to stop and reverse the damage. The hard way, or the easy way – what’s your choice? Choose well, because your relationship and a good chunk of your life is riding on it.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, July 31, 2009

Don't Win the Battle Just to Lose the War: Conflict Resolution in Relationships and Marriage

E-mails and blog posts gave more coverage to Darren Sherman’s stalking behavior after a date didn’t go his way than about the problems of the world. Could it be that’s because this kind of behavior is a far bigger problem than crooked politicians and (alleged) oil shortages? Look at what you can learn from this poor idiot’s behavior concerning your marriage or committed relationship.

If you didn’t see one of the e-mails floating around about Darren Sherman’s post bad date behavior a couple of years ago, you’ve missed one of the most pathetic yet funny incidents I’ve ever heard. Here’s
a hugely entertaining rendition of it at Peter Shankman’s “PR Differently” blog and there’s a lot you can learn from reading it and listening to the voice mail message that isn’t so obvious at first glance. Jump over there and check it out before continuing here…

Pathetic just doesn’t really scratch the surface, does it? But since we’re talking about committed relationships and marriages here, let’s move past the idiotic, crass, and utterly uncouth bit of demanding a refund on her half of the check (because she was out of town and didn’t get his messages, leading him to believe there would be no second date, which, from his behavior, seems to have been a reasonable expectation on his part anyway!) and look at his behavior in from a broader perspective.

First, according to the girl’s letter, he apparently assumed that she didn’t want to see him again in spite of no facts supporting such a conclusion. Since it may have been awhile since you were in the dating world and possibly out of touch with current practices, if you’re going to call somebody you’ve been out with to acknowledge a good time and chat them up for another date, you call one time, and then you go about your business, and if they haven’t called by the time you need to make another date for the weekend, you simply call somebody else. A lot of people are subject to go out of town suddenly, especially in a town of movers and shakers like NYC, and you have to give them a bit of time to “clear out the clutter” and get their schedule stabilized before calling you back.

He apparently jumped into wuss mode, assumed that since she didn’t immediately call back that she didn’t want to see him again and was just snubbing him, and his ego jumped into the driver’s seat. And then what does he do?

He starts very childishly trying to punish her for the assumed rejection, and continues to escalate it, apparently without any regard for the risk he’s taking under today’s stalking laws, or for the mathematics of the situation; the guy is the CEO of a compliance consulting firm, and that’s “big bucks” anywhere you go, and double in NYC, and there is no way in the world that $50 came close to covering the value of his time in pursuing it. Got the picture? Okay, now let’s bring this closer to home…

How many times have you made or seen these mistakes made in your own or other relationships?

1. Letting an incorrect assumption motivate an act of reprisal against someone

2. Continuing to escalate a situation after finding out that your assumption was incorrect and that there’s really nothing to be pissed off about (but possibly something to be terribly embarrassed about, such as the original absurd assumption!)

3. Getting so hung up on “who’s right” and “winning” that you lose track of “what’s right” and “the risks and cost of fighting the battle.”

Silly things like assuming that somebody didn’t pick up something you wanted at the store while they were out when in fact the store was out of stock on the item can spur an incident that follows this path of escalation and destruction to the point that it causes a break-up or a divorce, and if you haven’t seen it happen at least once in your lifetime, I’d like to hear from you just to know that you exist. I’ve watched it all my life, and frankly, well over half a lifetime ago (I was 17), I did it myself, and ended up screwing up a very good relationship that could have easily turned into a life-long partnership. Now for the big question…

What can you do to stop this from happening?

I’ve preached enough on the law of cause and effect and when trying to fix a problem you should seek to treat the cause and not the symptom, so I’ll spare you the justification for that approach and say that the cause of Darren’s problem and all occurrences of this kind of mess is low self-esteem. That’s right! If you feel good about yourself, you have no reason to be anxious and jumping to negative conclusions with nothing but fear of the unknown as the basis for that conclusion.

Nor do you have the need to get competitive and try to punish somebody for a disagreement and force yourself or your opinion on them or make them regret having disagreed with you. Right?

And most of all, when you feel good about yourself, you’re much more interested in what’s right than who’s right, so you focus on finding the truth instead of securing an empty victory. People who feel good about themselves also avoid putting themselves at risk unless the possible benefit justifies that risk.

Assuming for the sake of discussion that a man has a six-figure or even seven-figure salary and will lose it if he goes to jail for stalking, is that in any way justified in the recovery of fifty bucks for a meal check? Or is the risk of a divorce and having your family torn apart, life turned upside down, and losing half or more of everything you have justified by getting your partner to admit that to doing something that they haven’t really done, or say that they agree with you when they really don’t, just to placate you and shut you up?

It’s intriguing to see how many of the laws of physics apply to relationships; for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Granted, in the case of a relationship the reaction may indeed be disproportionate, and it’s likely to be an over-reaction if you make somebody fairly angry or hurt them. Monitor your emotions carefully, and next time you catch yourself feeling like you want to “uncork on your partner,” stop and think, “What am I going to gain by going through this, and what am I going to risk losing?” Then answer!

The easiest rule of thumb to follow is if you’re going to gain or maintain your self-respect, then you should continue (although you should try to keep your anger in check and ask questions and discuss rather than just jumping down your partner’s throat), and if you are going to risk losing your self-respect (through embarrassment over assumptions, etc.), it’s very likely going to be a bad idea and you definitely have some more thinking and fact-finding to do.

Another of my favorite laws of physics is the Law of Inertia. It states that an object in motion tends to remain in motion and an object at rest tends to remain at rest, until acted upon by an equal or superior force. This can be universally applied by merely simplifying the language:

If you always do
What you’ve always done
You’ll always get
What you’ve always got.

The limerick format just makes it easier to remember. So now think about this. If you’ve always had problems and do nothing to change the underlying cause, is there any reason to expect them to just fix themselves? Of course not, and you there, in the back, nodding your head “yes” with a dumbfounded expression on your face, will stay after class for remedial training and possible scheduling for a brain transplant. Where problems are concerned, a continuation of the problem without escalation is your best-case scenario if you don’t do something to fix it, and continuance with escalation and disaster is the most likely course if it’s causing any kind of ill feelings.

No ill feelings? Are you sure? Are you hearing things like, “You never listen to me?” Or are you hearing nothing at all? Have things slowed down at the dinner table discussions, or in the bedroom? Are you getting short or even monosyllable answers to questions that you’d think would invite a more verbose answer? Are you going separate directions when you go places that you used to explore together? An answer of “yes” to any of these questions is a highly-reliable indicator that there are indeed problems, either unresolved issues or boredom at least.

Didn’t know boredom was a major problem? You don’t know much about women, do you? Ask one how she feels when she gets bored. You and I aren’t that uncomfortable with it, indeed, it’s often a good excuse for a nap, but in women you’ll find that they are so stricken by it that they start exhibiting some of the same symptoms we do when we feel anger or fear: trembling, inability to focus, sensation of desperation, willingness to do anything, even if it’s wrong, just to cause some change in the situation, just to name a few. The greatest gift you can give any woman is to love her enough to remain vigilant and protect her from boredom.

That sounds like a pretty tall order, but if you talk to people who have been married fifty years and are still happy together (especially those who still have “the heat” for each other, and yes, there are plenty of them), you’ll find that the secret to their success is that they have learned, usually the hard way, how to cope with these problems or they are so well-matched that they never experience them enough to notice.

Whether subconsciously or consciously, they keep an eye on the status of their relationship, and they fix things when they break. They recognize that men and women have different needs and ways of doing things, especially communicating and dealing with problems and emotions, and they consider and accommodate these differences to reduce stress and build trust. They know what each other likes and values, and they share common values. They also know what turns each other on and off, and reserve their bedroom for sleep, sex and intimacy instead of taking their problems in there.

I’ve worked with hundreds of such couples, and imparted the knowledge that worked for some to the rest of the group to see what was universally true and what was more appropriate for only some participants. Everything that worked for 90% or more of the couples is in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and you should download it at
http://www.makingherhappy.com right now, and have the benefit of all those who succeeded before you to do wonderful things in your own relationship…

…or, you can keep doing what you’ve always done, and keep getting what you’ve always been getting, like frustration, confusion, fear, celibacy, affairs, fights, questions with no answers, dirty looks, spousal abuse and sabotage – I really don’t need to give you the whole list, because you’re living with it. By the way, I’m not living with it anymore, and from the testimonials I’m receiving from readers, they’re not either. So how about joining us?

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Long and Short of Saving Your Relationship and Marriage

One of my readers is a research hound, a very skilled one, and he’s gathered proof that what I’ve been telling you folks is true and accurate on a global scale. There’s much here to learn and use in what he’s dug up, so tune in and turn on!

I hope you’re having a great day! I sure am. I am yet again reminded of how sharp my readers are. Many of you will remember “Rick,” one of my more avid and astute readers and contributors.

Rick read my book and turned himself around a couple of years ago, and has since been on a crusade to help other men discover that what I teach works, especially that being a man, and indeed human, may not be popular or politically correct, but it is nonetheless something to which one should aspire, not apologize for, and that relationships worth saving can be saved if we will but spend a little effort to be what we were born to be instead of what certain sorry elements of society would have us be. Prepare to have your mind expanded and filled (I’ll be injecting some parenthetical commentary:

Hey David,

Reading that email
[The July 24 edition speaking about women and affairs in the real world] brought back some fond memories. It also inspired me to email you and show you how much things have evolved on this topic.

As you're probably aware, I'm an avid researcher, like yourself. I've found more evidence to support that what you tell your readers hits the bullseye for accuracy.

Look - over 50% of women surveyed have confessed to having submissive fantasies. Why do you think Anne Rice novels are so popular? Or why so many women wear clothing that hints at a BDSM lifestyle? Many women fantasize about these things but have never found someone to help them live the fantasy. If you become that man, you become her living dream! It is what it is.


Women LOVE being led by a man with the confidence to lead! And the lifestyle Rick mentions is not about perversion, control, and demeaning behavior; it’s about leadership and trust. Ask some of the participants and they will tell you the same thing they’ve told me. While it may seem extreme and even “sick” to the uninitiated, there is a thrill in being led through a potentially intense and dangerous situation finding time and again that you can trust your partner to lead without being abusive. And for you skeptics, no, I don’t participate; it’s “not my bag” as they say. I’m simply reporting what the participants have said, so I’m not defending my own predilections here.

With regards to romance novels, here's the best way I explain it to men so they understand: Romance novels are to women what adult videos are to men. Again statistics bear this out. 95% of all romance novels sold are purchased by women, and 95% of all adult videos sold are purchased by men.

It’s interesting that sales of both romance novels and adult videos tend to increase at the same time and at the same rate as the economy slows; men and women both turn to their preferred flavor of fantasy to relieve tension. I strongly recommend to men that they read a popular romance novel or two to help understand what gives women the rush of attraction, even if they have to enlist the help of a female friend to help them understand the important parts.

The following are examples that some women really do have these thoughts running in their heads:

"Mary", 26 year old wife and mother of 2: Mary's husband was a typical, boring man, which is a poor match for a woman with an incredible sexual imagination. Mary got online and started searching for a "Master", someone that would control her mind, body, and soul. She finally found one - and this "Master" told her when, where, and how she was allowed to have sex with her own husband! The husband eventually filed for divorce, but was humiliated for months before finally waking up.

As I’ve told you many, MANY times, Gentlemen, stand up, take the lead in your household, and make sure that your wife has no reason to be bored, or someone else will! It’s as sure as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west, biological, not logical.

"Amy", 19 years old: Amy was a fresh young girl that was into older men. Through some local searching she found one - a 51-year old that she has wild times with! This older man is now enjoying some teenage lovin', all because he knew how to trigger and sustain her attraction to him. As a side note, when Heidi Fleiss was 19, she had a fling with a 61 year old man, so these encounters are NOT uncommon!

In case you’re not familiar, Heidi Lynne Fleiss, born December 30, 1965 and known as the "Hollywood Madam", is a former American madam. She was convicted in connection with her prostitution ring with charges including pandering and tax evasion. Her ring had numerous famous and wealthy clients. She was sentenced to 37 months in prison for tax evasion -- pandering charges were dropped -- but served just 21. Her original three-year sentence prompted wide outrage at her harsh punishment, while her customers had not been punished.

I have a great many reader letters and have read excerpts from letters in other authors’ newsletters bearing this out: Attraction is seldom bound by age, looks – other than the appearance of self-respect – wealth, or anything else that men have mistakenly thought came to bear on their attractiveness, whether to new dates, their girlfriends, or wives.

"Paula", 35 years old: Years of suppressing fantasies of submission led Paula to really go wild when she finally started acting on these thoughts - she enjoyed being used by several men at once. Not what you would expect from a highly-paid executive with a husband and child at home.

Are you listening? A highly-paid executive with a family, risking losing it all, not because she is immoral, but because she denied her own needs and desires too long and was finally overwhelmed by them after she entered circumstances at home and at work where her whole world was at risk. Don’t wait for your wife to try to tell you about her secret wishes and wants, ask her about them, and listen carefully. Try to oblige them, too, because if you don’t, somebody else may end up doing it for you, especially if they find out about them before you do!

Now I realize these examples are on the extreme side, but it was necessary to share them so that men can realize what can happen to them if they don't make the effort to maintain their relationship or marriage. In the cases of the two married women, they're the results of boredom unchecked by an inattentive husband who wasn't flipping his wife's attraction triggers.

And based on what I’ve been told by readers, their wives, and women who have responded to surveys, these examples are not so extreme. Indeed, they’re almost common, and the circumstances that give rise to them are entirely common. They only seem extreme because nobody talks about them. Fantasies always seem to be the 800-pound gorilla in the room; everyone knows they’re there, and that they are dangerous if not attended, but wants to pretend they’re not there in the hope that something will happen to relieve them of having to deal with them. Make sure that you protect your relationship, marriage, and family from these conditions at all costs!

The solution is what you said in that email:

“Be a man! And be a husband. A real husband, one who makes her feel alive, engaged, challenged, understood, and appreciated, as she tries to make you feel, not some guy who goes to work and sits with a remote control and a beer in front of the television all evening while she tends the kids and spends the rest of the evening in some Internet chat room. Get a clue!”

A direct quote from that same newsletter. According to letters from women, the advice of “making her feel alive, engaged, challenged, understood, and appreciated” were the most commonly occurring women’s needs that went unmet. The reference to the channel surfing couch potato whose wife spends her time with kids and Internet interlopers in chat rooms was taken directly from those same letters from women as a huge mistake men make that leave women feeling ignored, unappreciated, bored, and somewhere between vulnerable to and overwhelmingly desirous of an affair.

Otherwise the future is grim. A study in the 1980's revealed that 90% of the relationships were ended by women. Currently, almost three quarters of all divorces in the US are filed by women.

Yikes! Do we – the women and I -- have your attention now?

Gentlemen the choice is yours, make the right one.

Hope you're well,
Rick.

Thank you Rick, as always. Seeing guys like you take this stuff and run with it like this is what keeps me going sometimes.

Gents, I don’t know what else to say here. Some of you are in or just out of relationships and marriages that you never should have entered, and entered because you thought need, attraction, or lust was love. You need to get out, and learn what a good woman and good relationship looks like before you try again.

The rest of you are in good relationships and marriages, but while your compatibility has remained intact, attraction is waning, she’s getting bored, and your inter-gender communications skills are too poor to be able to figure out what’s going on and fix it. What’s interesting, and indeed, ironic, is that you need the exact same things that the other group of guys need.

All of you need to shrug off all of the crap you’ve been fed for the last 20-40 years and get back to being a real man. A man who leads, who creates and knows his own value, who understands and communicates well with women, who entertains himself and others with competence and authority, not as a court jester, but a man, a mentor, a hero and adventurer, a flirt, a prankster, and a respected figure in his social circle, no matter where on the ladder that happens to be. In short, a guy who enjoys being a guy instead of hiding from his desires and apologizing for them when they surface.

For that, you need to know what it really means to be a man. You need to know the one and only way to build genuine self-esteem so that you have the confidence to be a man and a leader, especially in the presence of women. You need to know how women communicate, and try to match their methods and protocols while you help them to understand the much more basic and direct male methods. And you need to know how to evaluate the relationships in your life, all of them, but especially those with the people close to you, so that you can encourage the good ones and terminate the bad ones that suck the life out of you instead of enriching your life.

And all of that, and more, is contained in the pages of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," which you can download at
http://www.makingherhappy.com with little more than a few mouse-clicks. You now have the choice to continue screwing up or to know that which not even Sigmund Freud, the renowned psychologist, knew when he said, “The Great Question, which I have not been able to answer, is ‘What does a woman want?’”

As Rick said, make the right choice. And make it now, while you still have time to fix your problems the easy way; it gets much harder as time goes on.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Reader Responses Confirm: Your Diet Can Kill Your Relationship and Marriage

A reader comments about his experience after eliminating soy and the feminizing effects of the estrogen it contains from his diet. In short, he’s feeling like a man again! And other readers confirm that they're feeling better without it.

On
July 17, I wrote to you about how soy estrogens have a feminizing effect on men because they tie up testosterone receptors and keep the male sex hormone from making you masculine while enhancing any potential feminine appearance and personality factors. I received the expected ranting and raving from people who feel (but don’t have one iota of scientific evidence) that soy is the ultimate healthful food, and prevents all sorts of diseases, including cancer (which incidentally, numerous scientific studies have proven can be CAUSED by soy estrogens, not prevented by it). However…

I also got several letters in the last two days from men and a woman who have had the good sense to try removing soy from their diet for themselves and see if they notice any difference in their demeanor, appearance, etc., to confirm or contradict what I reported. Here are a few of their notes:

Hi David,

I did as you suggested and stopped drinking the two glasses of soy milk my wife had me drinking every day, and I’m already feeling a lot more like my old self, and specifically, a lot more like the MAN I used to be. I thought getting cloudy-headed and having trouble focusing on tasks, and getting frustrated and fussy over things that didn’t bother me in the past was just old age setting in, even though I’m only 46. My wife has noticed the difference, too, and now she’s beginning to question her vegetarian diet and its effect on our kids. Thanks for the heads-up!

John T.


Hey Dave, [For future reference, I really prefer people don’t call me “Dave” – it’s not all that offensive, it’s just not “me,” if you know what I mean.]

My wife and I have been trying to have another baby, and not having much luck. In fact, we were getting pretty frustrated. After reading your article on soy, we started researching and found that soy has been linked to fertility problems. We’re vegetarians and eat a lot of soy-substitutes for meat products and drink a lot of soy milk, and this has us questioning our choice. However, I want to thank you for the information and to let you know that in following your advice and taking the lead in the research and discussion on the subject and doing the naughty play things you mention, my wife’s acting differently toward me, like sex isn’t just a chore to have the baby. My guess is we owe you a lot, so thanks!

Gary


(Note: birth control pills contain estrogen and progesterone, and estrogen interferes with thyroid and adrenal function that is crucial to fertility in women and lowers sperm count, so soy estrogen interfering with fertility in either gender is not a surprise.)

Hi David,

I was skeptical of your newsletter and of the book you mentioned [“The Whole Soy Story” by Dr. Kaayla Daniel], so I got a copy of the book and in trying to debunk what she says, ended up finding proof of most of what she said before giving up and accepting it as truth. My doctor has been harping at me over elevated homocysteine levels and estrogen levels, and I expect that when I see him next month I’ll see improvement. You may have saved me a heart attack, and I thank you.

Janelle


(It may have saved her from some form of cancer, too, as estrogen is a cellular reproduction hormone and elevated estrogen levels have been causally – not casually -- linked to several types of cancer, especially of the breasts and female reproductive organs.)

So guys, here’s the scoop: Nothing that makes you feminine or unhealthy is going to make you attractive, and soy has proven and is continuing to prove to be a major cause of wussification and feminization of men, along with a whole collection of health problems that studies have linked to soy (while my work is entirely related to relationships, it’s still very valuable information, and I urge you to read it):

1. Elevated homocysteine levels, a crystalline amino acid that erodes blood vessels and causes them to hemorrhage, which is then filled with LDL cholesterol, which acts like radiator “stop-leak” and seals the fissure, but continues to collect and forms plaque as it picks up minerals like calcium from the blood and ultimately, if unchecked, causes a blockage, which can result in heart disease, heart attack, stroke, pulmonary embolus (if the plaque breaks loose and lodges in the lungs, which is often deadly), etc.

2. Cancer, especially of the breasts and reproductive organs

3. Allergies and reduced immunity

4. Thyroid dysfunction (caused by genistein, a major constituent of soy products, which is known to depress the thyroid gland, causing stunted growth, lower intelligence and heart disease, any of which can indeed cause relationship-impeding problems)

5. Malnutrition and digestive problems (many people are allergic to soy, especially soybean oil, which is why potato chips cooked in “Olean” and other modified soy bean oils that supposedly lower fat content causes some people digestive upset.)

6. Nutrient deficiencies, including calcium (vital for bone health and the prevention of osteoporosis, and doctors blindly parrot the propaganda that estrogen-containing HRT helps prevent bone loss when it in fact contributes to it!)

7. Reproductive disorders (another relationship-straining possibility) and infertility (also caused by ingestion of genistein)

8. Cognitive and mental decline (care to bet on whether this could put a damper on a relationship?)

9. Psychosexual problems (high estrogen levels make concentration difficult, and make one “edgy” enough to interfere with libido, as you’ve seen in women who tend to drift to the shopping list and chore lists while in the middle of sex)

I want to be perfectly clear about this: I am not “attacking” soy, and have no agenda, except to report to you things that bona fide scientists and doctors have discovered, proven and reported about something that can have a severe impact on both your relationship and your life together. I’m not in this just to help people light things back up in the bedroom; it takes a healthy sex-life to have a healthy and long-lasting relationship, but it also takes communication, intimacy, love, trust, respect, etc., and good health certainly facilitates all of the above, does it not?

In case anybody is wondering, this whole apparent myth about soy being healthy started in 1995 when a character by name of Dr. James W. Anderson did what is called a “meta-analysis” of soy. Meta-analysis is where someone who can’t conduct their own study and doesn’t know enough about a subject to get a grant or involvement in a bona fide study gathers data from a collection of other studies and renders an opinion based on nothing more than statistical analysis and their interpretation of the findings.

Since those who use meta-analysis don’t know enough about the subject to independently study it directly, they have no way of knowing if the studies they throw into the mix were conducted correctly, are scientifically sound, etc., and bad results often follow as things are either taken out of context or based upon studies that are flawed, merely “suggest” something instead of “proving” it, turn out to be another meta-analysis of other studies, or turn out to be biased by virtue of who paid for the study.

Anderson’s meta-analysis was funded by Protein Technologies International, a major promoter of soy products – a pretty big red flag – but everybody jumped on the band wagon. Since then, Anderson himself has admitted that other studies conducted since 2005 have proven the inaccuracy of his initial study and findings by stating that these other studies have “reported less impressive results.” The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has also received warnings from its own staff experts about supporting the claims of a statistician, but they were ignored.

Consequently, governments of Israel, France, the United Kingdom, and New Zealand, among others, are issuing warnings against the use of soy formula for infants, especially regarding the effects of genistein. They’re slow to act, as any government is, but hopefully they’ll get around to noticing that it’s bad for adults, too.

In a nutshell, POSSIBLE benefits of soy use are clearly outweighed by PROVEN risks.

And, by the way, have you yet asked yourself whether the soy in your diet might be the reason for those expensive little blue pills you need to perform? Let’s see, raises estrogen, lowers testosterone uptake, interferes with thyroid, which lowers metabolism and available nitric oxide, which those pills are used to increase so that certain muscles are able to contract and hold blood in a particular area…are you getting the picture here?

So there it is, folks. It’s a long, complex story, and I may have provided more detail than many of you care to stomach, but I’ll not apologize for trying to take good care of you and providing facts instead of unsupported opinion and theory. I sell books on improving long-term relationships and counsel individuals and couples to make my living, but I’m here to help you live long and happy lives together, and I’m going to report to you any factual information I encounter that will help you to do that.

Speaking of selling books (big wink!), I’ve got a winner for you. It’s called "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and it covers so much more than attraction; it teaches the thorough evaluation of your relationship and its constituents, what you need to know to truly understand women, their needs, their habits and methods, and how to communicate with them, and how to build attraction for them to spice up your intimate life and protect them from their greatest enemy of all, BOREDOM.

Yes, I said boredom, and if you don’t believe me, just ask one of them! Then
download your copy and get started on kicking your relationship up to notches unknown!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Blind-Sided: Failure to Talk Is Just As Bad As Failure to Act in Any Relationship or Marriage

A profound demonstration of an attitude that can kill a relationship in a heartbeat, from a man who will likely never be able to fix his relationship or anything else. Don’t make his mistake…

I get a lot of material for lessons from readers’ letters because most ask really good questions, but every now and then, somebody’s comment on the “unsubscribe” (how I hate what computers are causing to evolve in this language!) Would anyone care to discuss the use of the word “input” as a verb? Try conjugating it, and let me know what you think when you get to the past tense, “inputted”! LOL!) form opens the door for a great one as well. Observe the comment at the bottom of this form:

-----Original Message-----
From: XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com [mailto:XXXXXXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 26, 2006 2:28 AM
To: David
Subject: AWeber mhh_tips: This Lead Unsubscribed: XXXXXX@hotmail.com

This lead has unsubscribed by following the link at the bottom of one of your AWeber messages, and decided to provide comments. Why did I receive this email? http://www.aweber.com/faq_messages.htm#messages6b

Name: XXX
Email: XXXXX@hotmail.com
Signup Date: 05/05/07 05:06 AM EST

Comments:
your wasting my time


We’ll ignore the poor spelling (“you are” is “you’re,” not “your” which is possessive), lack of capitalization and punctuation, and the ridiculous assertion that I’m wasting his time when the choice of how to spend his time is his own, not mine, and look at the communication issue, which is relevant to all kinds of relationships. I sent him the following reply, and after you read it, we’ll draw parallels into committed and other relationships:

Hi Wes,

Really? How so? What would make this worth your time, and why did it take you almost three months to come to this realization? Has there been something change recently that you dislike? Tell me what's making this a waste and I'll try to address it, or are you one of those people who sits and waits for validation of the bad choices they've made and when they don't find it, move on to another source? People who want information ask for it; they don't just turn their back on it and walk away. So tell me, what is it that you want to see and know?

David


Yes, I goaded him a bit, hoping to wake him up and make him realize that he did have an input channel (he’s never written once in nearly three months to ask a question or make a suggestion as to how I could better serve his needs), and to possibly provoke him into taking a hard look at himself and determining if he was indeed looking for validation instead of information.

(Yes, Ladies, we guys can do stuff like that. We also jab each other with mild insults about our weight, signs of aging, etc., to help us thicken our skin a bit and be a bit better at handling criticism, and at least some of us know that it doesn’t work the same way with you, especially after I did that “What to Do When She Gains a Few Pounds” newsletter earlier this month.)

He never responded, but look at what we have here, because there’s plenty to learn from it:

How many times have you seen relationships end like this? Everything seems to be cruising along for months, no questions, no discussions, seeming like everything is on a pretty even keel, and suddenly, BOOM! A huge fight, or worse, a break-up or divorce, without there ever having been a word of discussion about a problem?

How many times have you found yourself being irritated or confused and wanting to say something, but didn’t? Or found yourself not understanding something and frustrated and wanting to ask something, but didn’t? We get pissed off at women for appearing to expect us to read their mind, but how many times have you been guilty of doing the same thing? Expecting her to “just know” that you need to say something or ask something, need her to do something, need se’x, or whatever is just as ridiculous, if not more so, than her expecting you to, because as a man, your job is to initiate and lead discussions and actions, remember? Demonstrating strength and leadership skills is one of those attraction-building activities we’re constantly discussing.

Your lesson for today? If you have an issue that involves your partner, don’t walk away from it, and don’t expect them to “just know” that there’s an issue. Talk to them about it – don’t whine about it, yell about it, or act needy or controlling because of it. Just put it out there and talk about it, and invite her to remain engaged and to discuss it with you, otherwise you’ll come across as just lodging a complaint and nothing more will happen.

Yes, I’m serious! If you need an answer, keep her talking until you have it. If you need her commitment to a goal or behavioral change, negotiate it. And if something comes up that you really do need to work on, suck it up like a man and fix it if you expect her to ever engage in any other discussion with you. Problem-solving is a double-edged sword; sometimes you find out that YOU are the problem, and that YOU are the only one who can act to fix something. Sometimes it’s going to be her.

Sometimes it’s something both of you have to work on. Even on occasions where neither of you really did anything to contribute to the problem, both of you may need to contribute to the solution. Speaking of which, enter into problem-solving seeking the best solution for the problem, not the best solution for your convenience, or validation for your mistakes.

Women love to talk, as long as somebody is listening, and they love to listen as long as they will also be able to speak. They are, after all, far and away the more social gender of the two, and also far and away the most active and aggressive when it comes to managing relationships, so as long as you are talking and listening, you can usually expect her to do the same as long as you conduct yourself with respect, for yourself and for her.

You may be surprised at how adept many women can be at solving problems, especially if you can stay focused on the problem and stay away from discussing the people involved and the drama that comes from that. Focus on WHAT the problem is and WHAT can be done about it, not WHO caused and WHO needs to act. And if you see a pattern of one-sided solutions, examine the pattern; is it because one partner or the other is contributing more to the problem, or because one partner or the other refuses to acknowledge their contribution to the problem?

If it's the latter, you need to be examining whether you should even be in the relationship or marriage, because living with someone with that short of entitlement mentality will rob you of life or cause you to spend much of your fighting to defend against it. Either way, it’s no way to live, and there are a LOT of good women around looking for a good man; I hear from them daily wanting to meet the single men on my mailing list because they’re tired of wusses who are threatened by their independence and want a man who appreciates a loving, low-maintenance woman.

“But how do I talk and listen to her?” you say? “How do I know whether I should be here or not?” Good question! And thanks to the cooperative and combined efforts of several hundred women, it’s all laid out for you in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," which you can download at
http://www.makingherhappy.com right now with little more than a couple of mouse clicks. Hop on over and get yours and start having answers and resolution instead of confusion and frustration.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, July 27, 2009

Long-Term Effects of Health and Hormones on Your Relationship and Marriage

One of your fellow readers, a very sharp physician and personal friend, has an extremely important observation to share on the subject of hormones and female behavior.

Hopefully you read the last couple of newsletters describing the experience of a woman over-dosed on testosterone and her reaction to feeling male drives and experiencing male brain activity. If not, you can read
Part 1 and Part 2 to get caught up before moving to the advanced lesson provided by Dr. Frank:

David....the problem goes beyond injections as you know. As young men, our hormones are high and many of us are sexually out of control. However, as we get older, our testosterone wanes and we become more like women. We become less aggressive. We settle down. We look more towards family life. We probably drop our guard in the boudoir.

Women, on the other hand, as their female hormones wane later in life, are faced with increasing testosterone levels relative to their estrogen. Women become more aggressive, more independent, more logical and less emotional to a degree, and, of course, their sexual appetite increases as you can see from your other reader’s letter. Hence, our bodies’ hormone levels and associated behavior are not in sync for most of our lives. This obviously lends credence to the 'seven-year itch (actually, 4-7 year itch). It also supports what we men fear most....that women can actually be just as sexually aggressive as we are...maybe even more as they get older.

It behooves your men to stay with your book so they can navigate this “reversal of fortune,” lest they find that their wives are satisfying their urges elsewhere.

Frank


Frank has thought this through quite logically and thoroughly (I’ve spoken with him several times and his personality is such that irrationality or shoddiness just isn’t within him), and you Gentlemen, and Ladies, should pay attention, and continue thinking, because now that the door is open, I might as well tell you that it goes even farther than this.

Male menopause is no myth; our hormones slow down at mid-life just as women’s. We don’t stop manufacturing sperm cells, but our growth hormones (pituitary and thyroid) and adrenal hormones (testosterone, epinephrine, cortisol – a.k.a., hydrocortisone, androsterone, and others – basically metabolic and gender-influencing) slow more rapidly as we age. Our brain structure does not change, so we do not pick up the female benefits of heightened communications skills and creativity, but we do slowly become more susceptible to the vulnerabilities estrogen creates in women, those of over-driven emotions, irrationality, insecurity, fussiness (even to the extent of drama), and lack of aggressiveness, even when it’s needed.

And as we lose some of the benefits of our masculinity, women gain them without losing some of the benefits of femininity; their communications skills and creativity are due to brain structure caused by estrogen early in life, not by on-going exposure to estrogen. Declining estrogen does not decrease their left-brain density, which facilitates their creativity, nor does it shrink their corpus callosum, the bridge between the hemispheres of the brain that gives them heightened communications skills and other things. BUT…

The change in their balance of estrogen to testosterone does do exactly as Frank described, making them more aggressive and less erratic, more rational, and often MUCH lower-maintenance with regard to drama, so much so that they may get tired of YOUR drama if your testosterone levels fall too far.

And the kicker, their libido will be climbing as your declines. And as they become more aggressive and their libido increases, they will be needing more from you in the bedroom, not less. Diet and exercise can do a lot to help in this regard, as can getting off of statin drugs and soy-ridden foods that raise your estrogen levels. Pregnenolone (the master adrenal hormone that is broken down into all the others), DHEA (the precursor to testosterone, and is a metabolite of pregnenolone), and testosterone itself can also be safely substituted with bio-identical hormone supplements, if required.

For those of you on statin drugs and concerned about stopping them, there is no medical proof whatsoever that statin drugs reduce blockages or heart attacks. Furthermore, high cholesterol is a symptom of low thyroid and/or adrenal output, not heart disease; cholesterol is the root of all the “sterol” (basically the hormones ending in “rone” or “sone”) hormones; too much of it means it is not being converted to the hormones we need, which in turn cause a lot of other health problems in addition to demasculinization.

The blockages associated with high cholesterol are in fact the result of either too little vitamin C in the body causing malformed collagen chains that weaken blood vessels or too much of the amino acid homocysteine eroding the wall of vessels at bends and junctions; each of these problems result in small fissures that hemorrhage and are clogged by LDL cholesterol, just like radiator “stop-leak,” and the bit of cholesterol that protrudes into the vessel collects more cholesterol and minerals that eventually build up to a blockage.

If you stop the hemorrhaging with proper diet that provides sufficient vitamin C and the B vitamins that keep homocysteine levels down and get even a modicum of exercise, high cholesterol is not an issue, let alone a threat, except as an indication of pituitary, thyroid, or adrenal issues, which can be life-threatening, as they DO lead to insulin resistance, and then diabetes, which brings high blood pressure (high blood glucose inflames the lining of blood vessels which decreases their diameter and raises pressure), severely impaired immune system, kidney failure, neuropathy, blood clots, amputations, and blindness, to name a few things. And yes, demasculinization, too.

So what do you do about all of this? We’ll talk about women in a minute, but for your health, I STRONGLY suggest you do not rely on mainstream medicine. Doctors don’t have the time, resources and energy to do their own research, and have to rely on the information provided by the drug companies. The information from the drug companies is SALES information. The studies they conduct on their drugs are to see if they can get it approved, and if it will make enough money to offset the lawsuits. Most doctors realize this to some degree and are willing to discuss treatment if you can bring them better information.

I am about to list the resources I personally use, and I do not have any affiliate or other arrangement with these resources and receive no benefit of any kind for recommending them. First is
www.stopthethyroidmadness.com. Read their book even if you think you are the picture of health, because if the symptoms of thyroid problems start showing up, the overwhelming evidence is that your present doctor will NOT be able to treat you; they rely on lab tests that don’t indicate the effectiveness of the treatment and a treatment that provides only one of five thyroid hormones, a storage chemical that is supposed to be converted to the other forms and in many people, is not converted because of any one of many possible problems.

Long-story-short, as goes your pituitary-thyroid-adrenal functions, so goes your health in general, and mainstream medicine is not up to speed, while the doctors, researchers and patients that contribute at
www.stopthethyroidmadness.com are compiling real-world results from real-world treatments and sharing the facts of their unsuccessful and successful treatment attempts. I recommend them because they very probably saved my life after spending years using mainstream treatments for an inactive thyroid and gaining weight, becoming diabetic, and watching my blood pressure go to 285/140.

In addition, I subscribe to several relatively inexpensive medical newsletters written by doctors who have dedicated a significant portion of their careers to research and have patient results to watch and report on. First is David Williams, MD, a globe-trotting pioneer and whistle-blower. He sells a lot of supplements to help fund his research, but his newsletter is highly informative and 100% factual. He’s at
www.drdavidwilliams.com. I’ve subscribed almost non-stop for 20 years; breaks were mainly caused by being out of the country.

Another is David Brownstein, MD, possibly the world’s single top authority on the thyroid and one of the advisors at
www.stopthethyroidmadness.com. His newsletter is excellent, factual, and easy to read. He’s at http://www.drbrownstein.com and has a great blog, newsletter, and several excellent books.

Russell L. Blaylock is another I highly recommend. I have over 60 editions of his newsletters on hand and expect I’ll be continuing this subscription for a long time. Another that is factual, thorough, and easy to read. He’s at
http://www.blaylockreport.com.

There are some rather ridiculous blog posts that show up on Google searches of these sources, claiming they are frauds and fakes, but when you dig into them, you find that the people decrying them take issue with them selling supplements, or the fact that they are owned by a politically-leaning magazine, or just about anything else except that they quote and use verifiable studies to come to logical conclusions that make people healthy. In other words, if you’re going to fire a doctor, do so because he’s hurting you or can hurt you, not because you don’t like his politics or the way he dresses. And the same thing goes for keeping one; don’t just keep one because he gives you plenty of prescription drugs; keep him because he makes you healthy, and treats disease as a disease, with a cause to be cured, instead of a deficiency of medication.

One other resource I recently discovered and highly recommend is Jon Gabriel’s book, “The Gabriel Method.” It’s working wonderfully for me and several others whom I know. Even the guy’s story of what brought him to write his book is fascinating, from over 400 pounds to a trim 182, and unlike dieting methods, the longer you follow his program, the FASTER the weight falls off and you get in shape. Catch him at
http://www.jongabriel.com.au, where he has a free newsletter, and you can buy his book on Amazon.com for about $11.00, but I bought his whole audio series and a copy of his book and the audio CD’s are great.

Giving total responsibility for your health to a doctor is like giving total responsibility for your safety to a police officer; it’s not their job to accept such responsibility. It’s your body, you live with it, and if you don’t take care of it, you will die. Period. Your health and personal safety are responsibilities that you should never, ever delegate. Be knowledgeable and prepared to handle whatever comes up. That’s what men do, right? And if you hesitated for even a second before an emphatic “YES!” came to mind, you and I really need to talk, because you’re farther gone than you realize.

As for what to do about women as they become older, first, look forward to it. They are far more enjoyable as they mature; indeed, I would not be surprised to find out that is why a lot of men prefer to date and marry women who are older than them. Second, learn all you can about typical male and female behavior. This will allow you to watch yourself for signs that your masculinity is waning so that you can do whatever is required to safely and effectively address the problem, and it will also allow you to be prepared for the evolution of your partner to a more secure and even aggressive woman.

Dr. Frank points out that a lot of men fear sexually-aggressive women. Why? Don’t we spend most of our lives WISHING women were more sexually aggressive? I can tell you from your letters that most of you are WISHING your wives were at least more sexually active and would be thrilled if they were indeed more sexually aggressive. Exciting your wife to the point that she becomes sexually aggressive is one of the cornerstones of what I teach, so if you’re afraid of it, you’d better wake up and get busy, because whether you want it or not, at some point, it’s coming, no matter what.

The good news is that as I’ve been explaining, it is indeed something to look forward to, not something to fear. The worst thing for most of you is performance anxiety, which is treatable with either some knowledge (write to me at
tips@makingherhappy.com if you are the least bit dissatisfied or uncomfortable in the bedroom and I’ll point you toward some great resources), some testosterone, or getting your diet and exercise overhauled into something fit for a man instead of a couch potato who lives on deep-fried starch.

The rest of it requires simply knowing yourself, knowing your partner, being sensitive to changes in either, and knowing what to do. All of that is moot if you’re not getting along well enough today to stay together. You can learn about handling all of that from my newsletters, but you’ll find that you can learn A LOT MORE A LOT FASTER if you read MY book, "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," as those who have read it have already found out. And you can see how much I share in these newsletters, so imagine how much is in my book! It’s waiting for you at
http://www.makingherhappy.com and every minute you spend without reading it is a minute spent at your own peril, without resolution for everything that has brought you here, so read it today. The clock – analog, digital, biological, or whatever – is ticking, and you can stay ahead of the game or spend ten times the effort playing catch-up. It’s your call, so make it a good one.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, July 26, 2009

A Woman Lives Briefly As a Man, and Here Is the BIG Relationship and Marriage Lesson For All to Learn From Her Experience

Part 2 of 2: EXCLUSIVE MUST READ! A female reader gets an accidental overdose of testosterone and spends a couple of weeks feeling what many men feel every day, and there are lessons for all in her experience! Yesterday we studied the letter, and today I show you what you should have seen…

I’ve waited as long as I can to publish this edition because I was really hoping to hear from someone who saw the most important lesson to be had here, but I’ve not yet. However, I will say that based on the answers to surveys and other questions, many editions, even the ones marked “urgent” or “must read,” don’t get read for several days or until the weekend because we’re all getting too busy for our own good, so I’m not going to construe this to mean anything more than that the majority of people simply haven’t had the time to read and think about it yet.

In case you missed yesterday’s edition, here’s a letter from a reader who, in a nutshell, got an accidental overdose of testosterone in her hormone replacement therapy dosage and got to spend several days being influenced by it as a man does, especially young men, and there is a glaring lesson for all men embedded in her response. If you’ve already read it, skip past it to the commentary that follows to discover one of the most important things you’ll ever learn about women.

Dear David,

All my life I have heard people say if you could walk a mile in someone else’s shoes you would not be so fast to judge them. I have to tell you of such an experience that has proven this to me, and this was so serious I felt like I should share part of it with you. I will be giving you only a small portion of what I went through, but I hope it will be enough that you will understand that I really know what it feels like to be a man.

I’m 40 years old, had a hysterectomy twelve years ago, and a few weeks ago I went to see my gynecologist about a problem I was having with my hormone levels. Every time I was tested my hormones were lower than the doctor felt they should be, and he made such a big deal of it that I became concerned and made the choice to let the doctor give me strong shot to see if this could get me back on the right track. In doing so I was given a very large dose of testosterone, which turned my body totally opposite of what I had ever been before. I started to view life on a whole new level.

It started out with me looking for sex everywhere. I was suddenly looking at every man I saw and some women as possible sex partners, and I had never done this, especially toward women! I thought at first I was going crazy. I would sit and look at them and could play out in my head all the thoughts I was having about them and what I could imagine we could do together.

I was also terribly aggressive and easily angered, wanting to get into fights with people who would piss me off and I never wanted to do that before, ever! For example during all this I was pulled over by a policeman and was given a ticket. Now most of the time I would cry or flirt or do whatever I had to get out of it and for the most part that would work for me, but this time all I wanted to do is punch the cop right in the face for being an ass to me.

There were so many changes in my life I could not possibly describe all of them for you right now. The point I wanted to get across is after I went through days of strange feelings and urges I had never had before I told my best friend about them and he looked at me and smiled and told me that all of what I told him about was what a man went through everyday of his life until he got old enough for his testosterone levels to drop severely, which he said was somewhere between the late twenties and early fifties, depending on the man, and could be even later for some men.

I was blown away. I called my gynecologist and told him what my friend said and he confirmed that the dosage may have been too high and that I could be experiencing such side effects for several days, but not to be alarmed because they would stop when the testosterone was used and it returned to a more tolerable level.

Ladies if what I went through just for those few days is what a man goes through every day there is a lot more to being a man than we as women think. All I can say is I hope I never go through anything like this again. If the feeling of gladly passing up food for sex is a small part of how they feel then I say give them sex, I will never again tell my love that I do not feel like it or I have a headache for during that short period of time I got mad at my boyfriend for not giving me all the sex I wanted, and wanted it I did. With every single breath I took I wanted him, and sometimes not just him. When he did not want to give it to me I would look around and wonder where I could get it from.

Like I said, this is only a small part of what I went through and there is much more I could tell you and I might write it all down and send it to you one day, but I am just now starting to get some of the old me feeling like I should again. The main reason I wanted to write this is so that you woman readers might get a little better understanding of what our men go through all the time. I will promise you this before I ever tell my husband no again I will think about the experience I had and how I felt when he told me that he didn’t feel like it.

Daphne


Okay guys, does anybody see it? It’s staring at you from within the next to last paragraph:

“Ladies if what I went through just for those few days is what a man goes through every day there is a lot more to being a man them we as women think. All I can say is I hope I never go through anything like this again. If the feeling of gladly passing up food for sex is a small part of how they feel then I say give them sex. I will never again tell my love that I do not feel like it or I have a headache for during that short period of time I got mad at my boyfriend for not giving me all the sex I wanted, and wanted it I did. With every single breath I took I wanted him, and sometimes not just him. When he did not want to give it to me I would look around and wonder where I could get it from."

Women have the capacity to understand what it feels like to live with the burning drive of testosterone all day every day, and will respond to that understanding with the same nurturing behavior they exhibit for us regarding any needs or desires we have, IF THEY ARE PRESENTED WITH THE INFORMATION CORRECTLY.

What constitutes correctly? Think about it. What do girls grow up hearing about boys, and women continue to believe about men? That ALL WE THINK ABOUT IS SEX, and will lie, cheat, steal and rape if necessary to get it. But that’s not true, is it? We don’t choose to be driven to think about sex as often as we do, and in fact, we don’t THINK about it often at all. We desire it, and often crave it, when something sexual is in front of us. It’s a subconscious eruption or a reaction to a stimulus, not something we contemplate. But that’s not what women grow up and live believing.

They grow up hearing from their parents and each other that “guys just want to get into their pants,” and it’s said as something dirty, demeaning, diabolical, and deceitful. When they grow up, they are surrounded by a bunch of pushy, grab-asstic boys who don’t care who they insult or hurt and by a bunch of socially-inept wusses who never learned that neither women nor sex is scarce and are under the influence of myths like “women don’t like sex,” “women want a nice guy,” and “a guy has to be considerate and let the woman make all the decisions.”

They also have people driving them to remain “pure” or they’ll be “dirty and no man will want them,” (yeah, right!), and that men don’t care if they dirty them and ruin their lives forever, as long as they get what they want. It’s true that teens need to be warned of the complications and dangers of marrying too early and to the wrong person and getting pregnant out of wedlock, but such ignorance and short-sightedness in telling girls such lies does long-term damage by making them paranoid about men and thinking they’re in some sort of competition or battle to preserve their virtue (which unfortunately for a lot of them evolves into some sort of gender power struggle). So how would you expect them to react?

The lesson is that if you can really talk with your partner about how things really are in your life, openly, honestly, and in detail, help her to understand how things are, and show her the same receptiveness, courtesy and respect by listening when she tells you how things really are in her life, world, etc., or how she feels about how things are in your life or hers, it comes across far differently than if it is presented as some sort of demand on her (“I’m your husband and it’s your duty to have sex with me”) or as some sort of wussy plea of need (“I just can’t help myself, and if you don’t sleep with me, I’ll feel bad about myself and it will be all your fault,” or the classic wuss-out, “A man has needs, you know…”). Understanding of needs and conditions motivates a woman to nurture to deal with the situation, while bullying, badgering, whining, and sulking motivate her to separate herself from the situation, and YOU!

This doesn’t just apply to sex, or even just to intimacy in general. It applies to everything that goes on between the two of you. If you have goals that you want your wife to help you meet somehow, or even just goals that you don’t want her to resent or resist, explain to her what these goals are, and why they are important to you, and tell her that she can help if she wants and it will be appreciated if she does, instead of demanding that she “get her ass in gear and get with the program,’ telling her to keep her nose out of your business, or whining about how you never got a break and the system is against you and that she owes it to you to pitch in and cover your ass. Invite her to tell you about her goals and interests as well. And listen with interest as she responds with how she feels about what you’ve told her and what she’s told you. That simple act will do more for your trust, respect, and intimacy than you can imagine until you see it in action.

There is no way that two people in a committed relationship can ever know too much about each other’s goals, desires, needs, preferences, etc., and talking openly and honestly about them is by far the best way to make things understood. Aside from the obvious benefits of the building of trust and friendship as these things are discussed, there will also be the building of intimacy and excitement as you come closer together and celebrate your victories together. It’s as automatic as the rising and setting of the sun.

Oops! All that talking and listening requires bridging that inter-gender communications gap that we’re all born into and few of us ever find out way across. What’s the old cliché, “Drat! Foiled again…”? Well, no, not this time…

You guessed it: It’s all in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," which is available for download right now at
http://www.makingherhappy.com, and once you’ve learned what it has to offer, you’ll be having frequent picnics on that inter-gender communications bridge you’re going to quickly build. Could life get any better? Sure, and you’re going to make it so, if you start now…

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham