Saturday, April 11, 2009

Words, Deeds, Emotions, Reality, and How They Can Work For and Against Your Relationship or Marriage

A very disturbing example of how women’s emotions, left unchecked, cause them to ignore and even reject reality. (For the record, men fall prey to this, too, but usually to a lesser degree because it’s at least partially biologically-influenced by the same gender-specific differences in brain structure responsible for gender-specific differences in our communication skill levels and styles.)

My heart goes out to this reader, Dawn. She appears to have the man of her dreams, and knows it, but is apparently suffering the same fate as all men and women who refuse to look at their partners’ actions as evidence of the status of their relationship. She presents symptoms of a bit of a self-esteem deficit, and this causes her to question whether she deserves this man she enjoys so much, which in turn is creating a trust issue. She thinks it is him that she doesn’t trust, but if you read between the lines, it’s actually her ability to hold him that she questions. And make no mistake, this can quickly destroy an otherwise very solid relationship. More discussion after the letter. Meet Dawn:

Dear David,

I am writing you to tell you I think your book is one of the best I have read in my life time. I bought your book not with my boyfriend in mind, but for me so I could get a better handle on what has been bothering me about our relationship. This wonderful man in my life could have been the role model for your book and I love every part of him. In fact, sometimes I think I love him to the point of wishing he and I were the only people on the planet. Meeting him eight years ago was the best thing that ever happened to me and even though he was married and so was I at the time we fell in love with each other. I know there are going to be people who think our relationship is wrong, but I could care less what they think. After all these years he has never given me any reason to be jealous and most all the time I am not. I am very proud of him. My reason for writing you is that sometimes though I am very jealous. It is embarrassing me and making me nuts. I can not eat, sleep or stop my mind from thinking up all kinds of things.

It has come up at times and he always tells me things like “in the past eight years have I ever given you any reason to even think that?” To be honest he has never given me any reason to think he would even look at another woman, but still sometimes it comes up. The most recent worry is he has joined a small network of professionals who get together weekly and trade contacts, tips and such and I think about the women in the group. Not that he is going out with one of them just that they might spark something in him that I do not anymore. I want to make sure I am the spark that lights his fire if you know what I mean. He needs to be around people who get things done because that is how he is and that is one of the things I so love about him.

I need your help and I am desperate because I hate feeling this way and I would never let him know how I feel about this because it might just drive a wedge between us. I have never been the jealous type and am not sure why I have these feelings now. I would give my life for this man, but now I am not so sure I could give him up. I want to be with this man till the day I die and I need to handle this before I go crazy. I know actions speak louder then words and his actions tell me how much he loves me and I feel that every time we are together, but is it wrong to want to be told you are the only one from time to time? I know according to things I have read that wanting to be told is some sort of insecurity, but I do not feel like that is the case here.

Please David can you help me? I have never loved anyone like I do now and the way he makes me feel I want to be with him making love, talking and just enjoying our time together. He is the ultimate manly man and any woman who can see just how great he is I am sure would want him as much as I do. I am just lucky enough to love him and have him love me back.

Please forgive me if this letter sounds childish, I started writing and it just all came out not in the way I had it in my mind, but it stills says it all. I do not want to make a mistake and take a chance on loosing the one thing I have done in my life that finally makes me happy. I appreciate your time in reading this letter and I hope to hear from you soon.

Dawn


My reply:

Dawn, my dear, thank you for writing and trusting me to help you, because you do have a problem. It’s pretty bad, and one that’s not going to go away until you make it go away. I can see from what you wrote that you did pick up from my book and these newsletters that his actions tell all, and you say you can see in stark reality that you are all he wants. The problem is two-fold…

First, you’re having a self-esteem problem. It’s not him that you are not trusting, it’s your own ability to keep him interested. Read carefully what you wrote and you’ll see what I mean. All your fears are focused on you losing him to people who are different from you because you perceive them to be different, and therefore potentially BETTER than you. You have got to stop that, and now. Accept what you know of your husband and your relationship, and then dealing with the second problem will provide the remainder of the solution for this problem.

The second problem is that you seem to be comparing people in his professional life to yourself, but you are his PERSONAL life. Notice that your husband didn’t say he needs to be around OTHER people; he said he needs to be around “people who get things done.” In anyone’s professional life, if surrounded with losers, they will drag you down with them. If you surround yourself with achievers, they help you to stay motivated to succeed in your own endeavors. It’s like soldiers telling war stories, a self-confirming camaraderie that encourages good professional behavior.

Since your husband is an achiever and seeks the company of achievers in his professional life, he probably sees you as an achiever on some acceptable level in personal ways and maybe in a professional way as well (you didn’t mention your professional life so I can’t comment), but he doesn’t want his personal and professional lives to mingle; otherwise he may have tried to involve you in his business, which logic would dictate you would have mentioned if he had done so. That’s how achievers become over-achievers and then get burned out. They need the insulation and separation of their personal and professional lives.

You’re not necessarily wrong to want to know that you are the only one, but you admit that you already know it. Does hearing it, when anyone could say it to you, really prove anything? I could tell you that you were the only one for me even though we’ve never met! Would that mean anything to you? Of course not. For that matter, a man could tell you that he loves you right before beating you senseless, raping you, or even killing you. Words mean nothing without action backing them up, and when the action is there, the words are redundant, so in all cases, they’re functionally moot, other than to give you and emotional rush from time to time.

Do this: Let yourself feel the impact of his actions, full force. Don’t just play with romance, be a true romantic: look for the best, the beautiful, the heroic, the poetic, in everything around you, especially what your husband does. Don’t exaggerate or try to create something that isn’t there; simply look for what is, appreciate it, and allow yourself to feel that you deserve it – you obviously do or he wouldn’t have been with you for EIGHT YEARS!

Next, have your husband read “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” It’s obvious that he’s already attractive, and you can use that to your advantage to get him to read the communications and attraction sections to help him better understand your needs and what makes you the way you are. If you’re not comfortable just showing him the book and saying that you have read it, found it interesting and think that he should read it as well, tell him that you’ve read it and you’re thrilled by how much of the things in the book describe things that he does, and that he should read it himself because he would enjoy it and will learn some things about what makes women, especially you, “tick” in the process – things that you would like for him to know but the book does a better job of explaining than you can. No achiever ever turns down the opportunity to check out good information, even if they think they may already know all of it. Achievers are always on the lookout for more knowledge, a new angle on old knowledge, a new way to use old knowledge, etc.

He’ll learn about your needs for knowing that he thinks of you from time to time and how to appropriately communicate that, how to “read” you and tell when you’re needing a little extra attention, and learn to appreciate the complex system of things that you do for him every day that he may “feel” around him but has never been able to put his finger on and thereby be able to fully appreciate.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David


Gentlemen (and Ladies), I keep saying it, and will continue to say it until I can no longer speak. The best way for both of you to be happy is for everyone to know what it takes to keep making HER happy, because that in turn ignites the nurturing, playfulness, and sexiness that every woman is born with and literally DRIVE her to make those around her happy. It takes a little understanding and effort for us men to do what is so automatic for women, and once we begin, we start a self-perpetuating cycle that doesn’t end until we get stupid or lazy and end it – not even after our deaths do women stop feeling attraction for us if we keep it going for them, because once turned on, it has to be turned off for it to stop.

Learn what it is, how it works, and how to do it better than ever in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” by downloading your copy at
http://www.makingherhappy.com today!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, April 10, 2009

The Truth About Testing and Why Being a Nice Guy Will Destroy Your Relationship and Marriage

It’s not such a big secret anymore that being a "nice guy” is bad for your relationship, and men are finally waking up to the fact that much of the bratty behavior they see from women is in fact nothing more than a “wuss test.” Here’s why, and a few other things you really ought to know…

During an interesting discussion with a new student today, we got on the subject of women testing men’s level of wussitude and why being a nice guy doesn’t work for either of you, and since I’ve not spoken about it for awhile, I’d like to share briefly with you the high points of that conversation. Even if you think you already know all of this, read it anyway, because you can never tell when the spark of inspiration or revelation will light you up!

To get you newbies caught up, women often push bad positions in arguments, insist on unreasonable concessions, pout, pitch fits, and engage in a lot of other seemingly absurd behavior with a very logical and targeted purpose, and it’s not to get what they want. You heard me; it’s not to get what they want. It’s to get you to say, “NO.” Why?

It’s one of the elements of that “men are hunters, women are gatherers” thing that anthropologists talk about. I’ll spare you most of the boring details, but suffice it to say that as we evolved (and I’m talking about improving and becoming more sophisticated as humans, not about the age-old debate about evolution vs. creation as an explanation as to how we got here, so save the anti-evolution hate mail for somebody who will read it), we developed different skills and physical characteristics that made each gender better suited to handle specific tasks.

Over time, men who had larger lungs, bigger skeletons and musculature, and spatial skills (navigation, being able to mentally gauge proximity to guess the arc of a spear as he threw it, developing tools, etc.) to help provide food and protect themselves and others survived better and reproduced more. Women who had wider hips (to aid in childbirth), advanced language skills (to cooperate with others in building huts, processing skins and sinew to build weapons, and other tasks that were best conducted in cooperative enterprises), sharper sense of smell (to sense danger approaching the dwelling and identify edible or poisonous plants), etc., also survived and reproduced more.

As with everything biological in every species of life, those who were the best-developed reproduced the most – survival of the fittest in its purest form. Some men were better protectors and providers than others. Some women were better at tuning in to a man’s traits and determining how much of a hunter and leader he could be. Through the generations, they became biologically “wired” through this process of natural selection (by locking in those genes that created successful traits) to possess skills that helped in finding a good mate.

While chasing down and killing a deer with bare hands or a bear with a spear is no longer required for a woman and child to eat, and indeed, in most parts of the world women routinely provide for themselves quite adequately without the help of a man, these mechanisms are still present and active in the female brain, and they automatically engage to size a man up from time to time – indeed, virtually every time they encounter a man, familiar or not. Much has changed, but one thing hasn’t: the nature of the test…

…which, in a nutshell, is to provoke you in some way to see if you will say “NO” to her when she is being unreasonable. Most of the time it is not at all deliberate, and you would laugh yourself silly as you read transcripts of conversations and e-mails in which women said, “I NEVER test a man. That’s silly!” and then confessed to it within just a few seconds as their testing actions were called to their attention, after which many of them said, “Oh my God! He must hate me!”

No, he doesn’t hate you, Ladies. Your testing is a pain in our collective ass, but it doesn’t make us hate you. It makes us think you’re nuts until we understand what it is and why you do it. Then it’s usually somewhere between mildly annoying and amusing. So on that note, guys, here it is, in a nutshell:

A woman knows, instinctively, without ever being told, as a result of biological development through the ages, that if a man can’t stand up TO her (when appropriate), he cannot stand up FOR her. “When appropriate” is a big deal, too, because when it is inappropriate to stand against her, you must also be able to stand with her.

Write that down, and recite it mentally every time you start to enter a conversation with a woman until it becomes second nature, because you will eventually need it with every women you ever meet if you talk to her more than a few minutes, maybe even a few seconds. They have to know, and are biologically-driven to find out, whether it’s in a casual or formal situation, public or intimate context, and regardless of the nature or longevity of your relationship.

You WILL be tested, and if you can say “NO” to a woman she will feel safe in letting you get to know her better, safe in letting you hold sway over her emotions, safe in letting you negotiate on her behalf or as her adversary (because you’ll say “NO” directly instead of saying “YES” and then trying to trick her or cheat her in some other way). No matter what you may think, there is no possible downside to saying “NO” when it’s appropriate and the logical thing to do.

But when is that? We’ll get to that in a minute, but before we do, let me clue you in on a HUGE difference in the way we communicate: nearly all communication you ever have with a woman, and ALL communication that carries the potential for conflict, will start as a negotiation.


It is EXPECTED that you enter a discussion with either a position or a statement that you require more information. So when saying “NO,” unless you are abusive about it, in a woman’s mind and according to the protocol she will naturally follow, that “NO” is not final; it is merely your opening negotiating position, and she expects a chance to give you input that will persuade you. An inappropriate “NO” will only anger a woman if you deliver the “NO” and deny her the opportunity of negotiation. That’s why they get so ticked off when we act like we’re afraid to say “NO;” it’s just too wussy for words in their world.

But it does make things easier if you try to say “NO” only when appropriate, because it shows that you are reading her, which in turn means that you are paying attention to her, a big compliment in the women’s playbook. The easiest way to draw the line between an appropriate and inappropriate “NO” is to ask one simple question, “Has she earned a ‘yes’?”


If your wife says she wants new furniture for a room, and has contributed to the smooth and secure operation of the household, whether through a job or “domestic efforts,” been loyal and trustworthy, given you love and respect, etc., then she’s earned a “yes,” as long as what she’s asking for is within or can be worked into your budget, obviously. If she’s laid around on her lazy or drunken butt while you and the kids have done everything and complained because you didn’t do it fast enough, abused herself and you, and exhibited a general lack of respect for herself and everyone around her, no, she hasn’t. It’s really that plain and simple.

Or, put another way, if you think she deserves it and want to agree because of that, she’s earned a “yes,” but if you’re thinking about giving in to earn some favor from her that really isn’t a favor, but something a wife should be doing, you’re about to get busted for being a wuss, and getting the furniture without gaining whatever favor you were after is just the beginning of your punishment, so don’t go there. You can reward good behavior and punish the bad behavior, and you can exhibit good behavior by acting like a man of self-respect, but you cannot “buy off” a woman. That is in essence saying to her that you think she’s a prostitute, and they don’t take kindly to such things.

As I said to this new reader today, I have searched extensively to find any rational downside to a man having genuine self-esteem and engaging in attractive behavior like being strong for his wife or girlfriend, and I have failed utterly to identify even an iota’s worth of a good reason to do anything less. If a woman says she wants something, even if you think it’s the right thing to do, invite her to make her case, thereby opening the negotiation that she expects and WANTS to engage in.

Women naturally engage in negotiation to communicate nearly everything, and if she’s testing, you’ve made the right move, and if she’s not, she’ll be happy to build the emotion of making her case instead of just having you give in. The same thing if you think you should say “no” – yes, really! If you think it’s a bad idea, say so, and immediately invite her to make her case so that she doesn’t feel shut down and retaliate.


It would sound something like:

Her: “Honey, what do you think about our living room furniture?” (Implied statement: “Honey, I want new living room furniture, and it’s time to negotiate.”)

You: “I like it fine, why?” (The “why” is needed for her to continue; if you don’t say it, she will most likely take it that you shut down the discussion!)

Her: “Well I think it needs replaced.” (Or in the long version, “Don’t you think it looks old and worn out, or the color is wrong, or it’s uncomfortable, etc.?” meaning “I want to change it.” Some women will continually ask questions to repeat the statement they are trying to make until you make it for them.)

You: “Well, like I said, I don’t see any problem with it, but you live her too, so tell me what makes you want to replace it.”

From there, she’ll either give you good reasons to do so, like pointing out that it’s stained, uncomfortable worn, or she’s so bored with it she doesn’t feel comfortable in the room anymore (yes, that is a legitimate reason, as you would know if you knew everything you need to know about women), or she’ll stammer around talking about where you can buy it on sale, or giving you the old “you’d just buy it for me without asking questions if you loved me,” routine if she doesn’t have a good reason and is either testing you or showing her true colors as a gold-digger (and maybe it’s time to test her a bit, too!)

Living with a woman is easy if you are fairly well-matched in terms of values, tastes and interests and you understand what you need to know about women, which is how they are both like us and different from us, and how to communicate well enough to recognize negotiations, questions that are statements, etc. Now, you have a decision to make…

Are you going to spend a lifetime trying to learn on your own and reach the end of your life lonely and still not knowing?

Or worse, assume that I’m full of crap and you don’t need to learn anything?

Or are you one of us guys who see a problem, seek out a viable solution, preferably one that has already worked for somebody else in similar circumstances, and fix it?

If you’re that first guy, I commend your can-do attitude, but isn’t reinventing the wheel a gross waste of time? Not to mention a HUGE risk of having life – family life – as you know it, come to a sudden halt if you don’t figure it out, or don’t figure it out fast enough?

If you’re that second guy, why are you reading my newsletter? If you’re looking for validation of your past actions instead of a solution to your self-inflicted problems, you’re looking in the wrong place.

If you’re that third guy, let me hook you up with what you need, and yes, it has already been tested and proven by thousands of couples. Go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." Read it. Study it. Learn from it the answer to that oldest of man’s questions: “What makes a woman tick?” and that next oldest: “What do women REALLY want?” Then go sweep your woman off her feet…I dare you! (And for those of you in the southern United States, “I double-dog dare you!”)

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Thursday, April 09, 2009

The Fool, the Smart, and the Wise -- Which One Wins in Relationships and Marriage?

There are three kinds of people, the foolish, the smart, and the wise. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to become wise, learning from the mistakes and successes of others and thereby avoid the mistakes that others have made, especially in regards to your relationship and marriage. Here’s how…

This week is almost gone! Time to buckle down and learn something useful to put to work this coming week, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’ve got plenty of time for beer and sports, so give me a few minutes here to teach you something productive, albeit in one of the longer pieces I’ve given you (just a few extra paragraphs, so don’t panic), and then you can go out and play with your friends.

I had a pretty tough childhood because I was precocious and insisted on knowing everything. That in itself isn’t too tough, but I was also independent, and wanted to know everything by learning it the hard way. I learned a lot, too.

On the day my military career started, I was labeled a “mustang” or “maverick,” a guy who has a hard time getting with the program because he has a knack for finding a better way to do things and doesn’t toe the line when he should. I got through basic training, and then got into some sticky situations.

Nobody got hurt or killed because of my choices or actions, but hellfire did rain down on my head a few times, because for every few “atta-boy’s” I’d get for going above and beyond the call, there would be an “oh sh*t” to negate them in one fell stroke. My commanding officer was constantly running interference for me with the big brass, and finally everything came to a head and I was ordered to report to my CO’s CO, a two-star general who shall remain nameless for a variety of reasons, for an “operational competency review.”

After introductions and the traditional reading of my file (I still don’t know why they go through that little ritual, and I’m not sure they do), the general said to me, “Cunningham, you’re smart, too damned smart for your own good. I need you to wise up before you compromise an op and get yourself or one of my other men killed. Do you know the difference?”

Everybody in my unit, including myself, was young, full of piss and vinegar, drawing hazardous duty pay, and got off on all the gung ho ritual language; in true gung-ho form I replied, “Sir, I do not know. If the general would explain the difference I will deploy that knowledge in a swift, proficient, and distinctly military manner.” I had no idea what he meant by, “The difference,” let alone what “the difference was, so it seemed like a good time to let him to all the talking.

He got a glint in his eye and said, “Very well. There are three kinds of people in the world, the foolish, the smart, and the wise. The foolish are those grab-asstic pieces of crap who waste time and life by never learning from their mistakes. The smart do learn from their mistakes, even if they are like you and make a lot of them because they want to be smarter. The wise move through life with patience and purpose, paying attention to what’s going on around them and learning from the mistakes and successes of others so that they don’t waste time and life making the same mistakes that others have made before them.

“I need you and every man under my command to be a wise man. We have a system here that is based on the mistakes and successes of those who came before you. It is not perfect, but it does work. You may be able to improve upon it, but you will do so by following the system during operations and providing any feedback you have during the post-operation debriefing. We want anything you can offer that will help to achieve objectives and save the lives of well-trained fighting men, but the time to deviate from the program is not when you are taking fire. That is your CO’s job, and my job, not yours. Do you get me?”

I never forgot that bit about the foolish, the smart and the wise. My mission changed that minute, from trying to do it all on my own to trying to learn everything I could the most efficient way that I could, which for the most part has been to watch and learn from the behavior of others. To that end, we’re going to have an exercise right now to show you just how much you can learn from somebody else, even someone you don’t expect to have anything to teach you.

The following letter is one of the many success stories I’ve received. I chose it for this exercise because it explodes a myth and because on the surface it doesn’t even appear to be relevant to saving a stale or failing marriage or other committed relationship, yet it holds some of the best lessons you’ll ever learn. Meet Tom:

David,

I wanted to take a moment to give you some feedback. My wife and I were recently divorced after 15 years of marriage. We are both in our early 50's. I worked really hard to save my marriage using logic.

I lost her to a bad boy. He is a real bum, without a job and still lives with his mother even though he is in his 50's. What a real mooch.

For the longest time I tried to apply logic to what was happening to my marriage and I failed to understand just what was going wrong. I guess I was too ingrained into my habitual patterns. It was only after the divorce that I started to get your material and receive your newsletters. WOW. Boy, was I ever wrong in my approach to women. I did all the nice guy stuff and provided a good home, clothes, jewelry, cars etc. I worked my ass off to provide for her.

As I started to read your material I came to realize what a bad relationship I had been in and what really went wrong.

I came to realize that I had failed to create attraction in her although I had her affection. That was my fault. The dishonesty (for many years), the deceit, the cheating, the character defects, etc., are all her fault. In many ways our divorce is a blessing in disguise.

I have followed your advice and that of David DeAngelo's program of Sexual Communication. Man what a difference it has made in my life and my approach to dating. I am now not trying to be the nice guy and "win" her favors. I am more confident in myself and out to have fun. I have played with and am learning the real way to create attraction and it is working. My successes with the new me are just outstanding and I am enjoying my life and playing a lot more. I don't have to call for dates...they are calling me. Really attractive and quality women.

So I wanted to thank you for putting out the information that you do, in such a professional manner that us nice guys can see where we went wrong and how to fix it. Keep up the good work.

Sincerely
Tom

PS: Oh and by the way. The ex has noticed and wants back into my life. NO way in hell will I ever get back into her games again. She has lost the house, cars, clothes, her reputation, is in debt up to her eyebrows, etc. I could go on and on with what she has done to herself. Life is funny sometimes, but I have the ultimate revenge and it does taste good. Thanks.


So what can you learn from this story that will make you a wise man?

For starters, Tom didn’t just automatically blame everything on somebody else and assume no responsibility for what happened that led to his divorce. He buckled down and found information that gave him answers as to what happened and what he could change to make sure it didn’t happen again.

Lesson: Take personal responsibility when things don’t go as planned, figure out what happened, and learn how to make it go the right way.

Also note I didn’t write one word of advice targeted at those who are dating in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," yet Tom found all kinds of advice in it that helped him to be more successful in his dating life, BECAUSE HE WAS LOOKING FOR IT. Good information isn’t always where you EXPECT to find it, but it is always WHERE YOU FIND IT, if you know what I mean.

Lesson: be ever-vigilant in looking for things that can make your life better; you may not find a pearl in every oyster, but finding a gold nugget lying in a pile of animal manure or a trash can doesn’t make it any less valuable than if it was found in a creek or a mine.

Tom also didn’t limit his options in solving his problems, and took advice to broaden his search. In "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," I teach readers how to evaluate their relationship or marriage to determine if they should try to salvage it, because if you are grossly mismatched in areas like your personal value system or personal tastes, it’s never going to work, and your time and effort is far better applied to make a dignified and peaceful exit instead of beating a dead horse only to fail in the end and exit under fire after war is declared.

Included in the advice for those making such an exit are people to contact to help protect your assets in the event that a property settlement war does break out, and advice to seek out advice specific to succeeding in the dating game by Shelley McMurtry, F.J. Shark, John Alanis, Tiffany Taylor, David D’Angelo, etc., because jumping back into the dating game blind is one of the scariest things a person can do, and I’ve found their material to be very logical and rooted in real-world cause-and-effect relationships.

Instead of saying, “I’m tired of reading. I’ve done this before, I’m just going to jump in and it will be better this time,” Tom recognized that a recommendation from one good source of information about another source of information was likely a good call because no information seller will risk trashing his reputation by steering a customer in the wrong direction for an affiliate sale and blow any possibility of future direct sales.

Lesson: Know your limitations, and do everything you reasonably can to obtain help in overcoming them by seeking the advice of those who have succeeded before you.

And as big as they are, those are the small lessons. Look in Tom’s post script (the paragraph that follows the “P.S.,” which stands for “post script,” for those of you who skipped that class in high school). His ex has noticed the changes in him and wants back into his life! The dating gurus will often say that this can’t happen, but you must remember that in the dating world, that’s most often correct. When you meet a stranger, your window of opportunity for creating attraction can be measured in minutes, maybe even a few seconds. But…

When you’ve been together for awhile and your interest is fully vested, that window could be measured in YEARS in some cases, and months in almost all cases. Women like the protective feeling of stability, and will give you ample opportunity to make things right IF they see that you’re trying to do so.

Lesson: Even if the divorce is final, as long as she hasn’t filed for restraining orders (which indicate that all hope is indeed lost in nearly all cases in the long term, and in ALL cases in the short term), or some other man hasn’t created intense attraction within her (which usually results in a restraining order anyway) ,it’s NEVER too late to fix it as long as the compatibility is there to support it.

Also note he held her accountable for her mistakes, and that ultimately being held accountable and having to live the life that she chose was the worst punishment that could be heaped upon her.

Lesson: Justice is sweet, while revenge is a dish that simply should never be served, unless it’s “self-served.” War isn’t just “the most spectacular of all human endeavors” (General George S. Patton), it’s the most costly and utterly destructive, on any scale.

Here endeth the lessons. Right now, some of you are saying, “Geesh, that guy is long-winded. That’s annoying!” while others are thinking, “Wow! That guy must really care about this stuff, because it must have taken him a long time to put that together to share it with me.” I do, and it did, several hours in fact. Several hours that I could have spent with family and friends, building something in my beloved workshop or enjoying another hobby, cooking an elaborate gourmet dinner, or numerous other things for myself instead of for you. If you don’t need this much help from me, I’m happy for you, really, but I’m doing this to help people in crisis make their lives better just as much as I’m doing it to help other people keep their relationships from falling into crisis.

Lesson: Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist that last one. Seriously, I have a lot to teach you and everybody else who needs it so that you can be wise and keep from making the mistakes that others have made before you. We hit the high spots here in this newsletter and in my blog posts, but dig deep into the tangled and dark nitty-gritty in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and no matter what shape your relationship is in, there are many valuable lessons in there for you, lessons that will help you make your relationship better than it has ever been if you should be in it or help you get out of it with your dignity and a few dollars in your pocket and move on to find happiness elsewhere if you’re in the wrong relationship.

Your next move is to
http://www.makingherhappy.com/ to download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and get started, because life is too short to wait. Never put off until tomorrow the success and happiness you can have today!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Do Her Chores Include YOU? Curing the Doldrums of a Stale Relationship or Marriage

There’s a word for forced intimacy born of duty or guilt instead of passion: CHORE. Make your sex life – and HERS – a treat, not a chore! Here’s how…

It’s another happy day, Ladies and Gentlemen! I was concerned briefly that I might not be able to find something for you that is as interesting as what my buddy David has been sharing with you for the last four days, but something always shows up to share with you. Here’s another couple who have used "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" to make their relationship one of passion and excitement instead of a torturous, miserable, boring coexistence, and you can learn a lot from them. Meet Marti:

Dear David,

Due to changes in our marriage and the feeling my husband and I had for each other, a few months ago we decided that we either had to make major improvements or call it quits. In doing research for help and talking to friends your book was recommended to us. The couple that told us about you is one of the happiest couples we know, and they said that it is because they have simply used what they learned in your book. So we decided to dive right in and see what you could do for us.

My biggest problem was that I felt as if sex with him was a chore, not something to enjoy or even want. Please close your mouth, yes I said I felt like sex with my husband was a chore. I had even compared it to mopping the floor one time while talking to a friend and she was in shock. Is that not one of the worst things you have ever heard? I guess maybe you have heard it all by now, but I felt like maybe I was not the only woman that had ever had these feelings and in writing you maybe you could share this with other women.

What made it worse was that I tried and tried to tell my husband that the passion was gone and that we were in a rut, but I couldn’t get through to him. I asked him countless times how he felt about our relationship and our intimate life, and he would just say that he didn’t have or see a problem, and that was the end of the discussion, never giving me the chance to tell him what I needed to tell him. I just laid there, thinking about other things, sometimes other people, waiting for him to finish so I could go to sleep.

Since we have now completed your book and have put into our everyday life what we learned in it I can say I shocked myself. Everything in our relationship is better than it’s ever been! There is nothing about sharing myself with him that even comes close to a chore now. In fact is just the opposite. He listens to me, and we really talk now, not just about our sex life, but about everything! When we started tuning into each other it was like our dating and marriage up to that point had just been a practice run. We finally REALLY know each other, all the time, and it’s wonderful!

As for the bedroom, now all he has to do it give me “that look” or touch me in the small of my back or just on my arm and I find myself wanting him as close to me as possible. And when he teases me and cracks that naughty grin I just want to eat him up! Sometimes he starts in on me before we even get out of bed in the morning, caressing and teasing, and then laughs and jumps out of bed and tells me if I’m good I’ll get more when he gets home. I daydream about him touching me, kissing me, enjoying my body as I enjoy his throughout the day every time he does that. Oh God right now just thinking about it I feel like calling him to come home for lunch!

WOW how different our lives are now! Now I am always looking forward to bedtime instead of looking for excuses not to have to go to bed until he is asleep. I do things to get his attention instead of avoiding him, because he is fun and exciting to be around. My friends even comment on how much they enjoy being around him now, and they used to tell me that it was time to move on because he was such a stick in the mud and I could do better. You have saved our marriage in more ways than one and I just wanted to say “Thank you” for all your hard work and for making it easy for us to save what we had and get back what brought us together in the first place - and then some!

Love ya,
Marti


My reply:

Thank you for that, Marti! It always makes my day when I get a success story like this, one in which the couple has followed my recommendation to use my book together, and learned from each other as the process continued. "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" was written for men partially because they have the most to learn, but also because it is the man’s job to take the lead, because taking the lead, even in the pursuit of enhancing attraction, is attractive to his female partner. You’re on the right track; just stay on it!

Take care, and keep in touch,
David

Notice that Marti doesn’t just talk about their sex-life reaching new levels. Their improved communication skills have brought them closer together, making their emotional intimacy more intense in addition to their physical intimacy; you may have noticed that she said she “asked him countless times how he felt about their relationship” and he would say it was fine and end the discussion without her getting to tell him what she needed to say. That’s the “asking questions to make a statement” mechanism at work as I’ve been describing it to you, a statement that she has a problem that she needs to discuss and that she wants the discussion to open NOW. A horribly common problem these days, but one that they will never again make, and one that you don’t have to make now that you know about it.

Being attractive to the woman you love obviously enhances your sex-life, but it also enhances the rest of your life together as well, often being the catalyst in escalating relationships between married couples (being pulled together by attraction makes couples want to explore other aspects of each other) who were functionally just roommates and/or business partners to true LIFE PARTNERS, friends, playmates, adventure partners – even better parents!

Or had it not occurred to you that it would be much easier to be better parents if you could communicate with each other more effectively and prepare a more unified front to present to the kids? And guess what else there, DAD…your daughters are “women-in-training,” and what you learn to communicate better with their mother will also help you to keep from drowning in that estrogen ocean when their hormones start surging and “Daddy’s little girl” turns into “Daddy’s little drama queen”!!! Daughters in their teens grow away from fathers for the same reason wives grow away from husbands, because he doesn’t understand them when they try to talk and they just get frustrated and give up. Don’t let them give up on you!

Gents, there is no downside here, and an unlimited upside. Opportunities like this don’t come along often, so take advantage of this one while you can. Go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and get your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" for less than the cost of a good meal for two, and start reading, right now, before you waste another minute of your life, because life’s too short to be regarded as a chore, and if your wife regards you as a chore for long, she’s likely to tender her resignation, and take half or more of “the company” with her!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

The Path to REAL Manhood and a Great Relationship and Marriage, Part 4

My buddy David got everything out that he wanted to say to those of you who are to follow him, and now he’s followed up with a guiding principle to help you in your quest. Listen up, as the student once again becomes the teacher.

I live several times zones to the east of my buddy David, who has been swelling your brains for the last few days with vital lessons and examples of what and who a man needs to be, why he should do it, why he will ENJOY IT, and how to get there. When I woke up this morning he had dropped something else in the mail that all of you will find useful when you decide to get off the fence and get in the game, observations and explanations of what he’s already been through that doesn’t work, and further guidance in what does. Your undivided attention for about five minutes, please:

Good Morning!

I didn't really get to the sickening parts of all the crap out there about being an Alpha Male. I was having several brainstorms at once while writing it and lost track a few times. Pointing out examples was one way of highlighting some of the behavior in an obvious way.

However, we come to the White Knight Syndrome of delusion. While many men mired in the BS of what they think are romantic ideals picture themselves being the White Knight coming to rescue their princess in the dark castle of the evil king, she's dreaming of the stable boy. She knows a codependent and an approval-seeker when she sees one.

While men may picture themselves as the Macho Man proving his manhood on the weak and less fortunate by being the bully, she's having fantasies of the mail clerk teasing the secretary. She knows if he’s bullying everyone else, he’ll want to bully her, too, and she wants a leader, not a bully.

While he's cruising the streets proving his success in his new Escalade, BMW, Mercedes, or Corvette, she's fantasizing about the guy driving his girl down the street on his Moped, weaving around just enough to get her laughing and screaming in delight. She knows that a man who thinks he needs devices to impress people has nothing within him that will do the job, and only those who don’t have to try to impress anyone and don’t care to are the only ones who can.

While he's checking himself out in the glass as they walk by the stores to make sure his clothes and hair are just so, she's checking out the guy in t-shirt and jeans who just dropped an ice cube down his girlfriends blouse when she thought he was putting his arm around her. She knows that a while a man needs to be well-groomed to project respect, a man who’s that worried about his looks isn’t going to have time to have fun with her.

While he's proving his sensitivity by tearing up at the sad scene in the movie, she's tearing up over the desire for the guy rolling his eyes, throwing out his lower lip in mock pout and teasing his lady about it. She knows that she needs a man who can bring her out of an emotional quagmire, not sit and drown in it with her.

An Alpha Male lives by the KISS principle. Keep It Simple Stupid. That's why it's such a relief to free yourself to be the man you were meant to be. Sure, you'll be fighting the urge to habitually commit further atrocities of wimpdom until you learn to recognize that they are not part of your natural behavior and stop them before they happen, but now you'll be equipped with a vigilant eye to root them out.

When you stop trying to figure out what you should do and do what your instincts and understanding tell you is right, confidence begins to soar. When you stop trying to act the part and live it, stress goes further and further away. It doesn't mean things don't happen that try any man’s soul. It means you now have the means to act freely, decisively, vigorously and with gusto, and move on.

In your relationship you respond in a natural way. You don't have to figure out what you should be doing, you know. Like the man in your favorite poem, “Invictus,” wherever he is, he is free. Like the bird who fell from the tree without feeling sorry for itself, he is not whining about his present circumstances but relishing the freedom with which he lives. He will not apologize for himself. Feel sorry about it. Or rail against the circumstances that brought him there. He responds to the world from a heart and mind free of complication. No matter how hard others may try to cage him, he will always be free.

He will be open to learning new skills and new talents, and accepting and learning from mistakes he has made. And will triumph over them all. He will always understand this does not give him a license to bully, belittle or demean others. Far from it. While he may have little patience for a wimp, he will gladly work with anyone willing to discover for himself how he too can be who he was meant to be. And he’ll just as quickly take the bully off at the knees if need be, because he has the goods that the bully wants everyone to THINK he has.

From fear to freedom. The journey of any man willing to KISS his old life goodbye and be reborn as the man he was intended to be. The man he is right now. Shedding his old dried skin and walking fresh and clean, hungry for new challenges. Instead of whining and bemoaning his present state, he seeks answers. If your relationship is heading south, resentment, boredom and confusion the rule of the day, stop making it worse by floundering around. KISS it. Believe me, she'll love and respect you for it in ways you would not have believed. When you simplify your life by being true to yourself, leading and taking charge, her life becomes simpler as well. Her stress goes down. She is now free to KISS you as well. Like Ripley with the Alien dragon, she will fight any and all comers to protect her Man. She will be at your side in full power, glory and beauty to support, nurture and delight you as you journey together.

Forget fantasy. It can’t even come close to what you can have in real life. One KISSed by freedom, fun and happiness. Like Occam's razor, the simplest answer is the best. Adding complications only moves you away from the sharp edge of truth. That sharp edge is not there to cut you. It's there to cut away the crap weighing you down. Remove the burden of trying, pretending and acting and live free to move, run and laugh at the rain.

Off to work,

David

Folks, I don’t think there’s much I can add to that. I’ve been saying exactly the same thing for years: You can live a life of complication, fear, deceit, and discomfort, or you can be yourself and enjoy your life. Unless you have been severely deprived of testosterone during childhood and developed without its masculizing influence, what David and I have been describing is your natural state, not the act you’ve been putting on, or more accurately, the world that has been pulled over your eyes to hide from you your true identity – and birthright.

No, I’m not going to start into “red pill or blue pill” metaphors from The Matrix...


But I will tell you that the only regrets in life are the things you didn’t try, the risks you never took.

So what happens when you can no longer hide from your life by working late, or having an affair, or when you find that your wife is tired of hiding from her life and serves you the divorce papers because she’s finally met the stable boy, or the mail clerk, the guy on the moped, or the Harley? Or that “bad boy” that convinces her that she needs to take everything you have so he can enjoy it with her? That’s when regret sets in, and that’s when you’ll remember that you had the chance to fix it while it was still easy, but stayed on the fence instead of getting in the game.

Sitting on the fence will get you nothing more than a splinter in your ass. Period. If you’re moving, even if you’re moving in the wrong direction, you can make a course correction; if you’re not moving, your dying, rotting away. So unless your relationship or marriage is everything you – and she – want it to be (and we both know it’s not or you wouldn’t be reading this!), it’s time for you to go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and get in the game while it’s still fun to play.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Monday, April 06, 2009

The Path to REAL Manhood and a Great Relationship and Marriage, Part 3

Well, here we go again! Today my buddy David is wrapping up his observations on the Path to Real Manhood, or so he thinks, and you really must read this!

I hope you’ve been enjoying David’s insights. He was as lost as every other man when we met, but as you can see, he has indeed become a true master. He sent me a journal of sorts, describing a lot of what was going on at his place of business, which he entitled “Confessions of a Convenience Store Manager,” and I’m seriously considering letting all of you read it as well, because he writes well and makes excellent points.

I thought David was done enlightening us yesterday, but not so; indeed, he may not be done today! I sent him a quick note letting him know that he was featured in yesterday’s newsletter, in which I said that he was being so astute and explaining so well that a lot of the smarter readers would be able to home in on the attraction issue and thereby buy themselves some time to deal with the other big issues, like compatibility and communications. He replied:

It's true. If they can't see how this is the absolute foundation of what attraction REALLY is, they'll never get it.

Since before even Aristotle's time, it was considered a fact, indisputable by any rational means, in order to be true to others, you first have to be true to yourself. You first have to be a man or not one single thing you do to try and square anything in your relationship will work PERIOD. You cannot fake this.

It won't be taught in school, in seminars, or discovered from watching a movie. While I was married, I invested more than a thousand dollars in seminars, lectures, classes, and books. Then still more in counseling. Very expensive band-aids. Yet not a single one got me anywhere but more confused, more frustrated and both of us fighting all the time. When it was already too late, over by a few years, I finally discovered your book. More than 15 years invested, the pain, the doubts only to face an empty house, resentful ex and seeing my kids when she felt like it.

Now my ex wants me to teach her husband! She has hinted on more than one occasion she could very easily be persuaded to start over. It's too late for that now for other reasons I won’t get into, but you see my point: it’s reversible, even after the divorce, as long as you’re still talking in any way and as long as no other alpha male has presented himself in your absence, which dampens your chances considerably because he’s a sure thing and she may not want to risk having you mess up what she’s found.

Anyway, it's no wonder so many men get overwhelmed with all the crap out there about this new program, those new skills or doing exercises to learn how to get along with your partner. And in my mind, this is where all the absurdity surrounding what makes an Alpha Male gets sickening.

A woman hates to be bored, and yes it's your responsibility to see neither of you are. That does not mean you have to be Robin Williams for laughs, Donald Trump for money or Don Juan for romance. If you insist on measuring yourself by other people’s standards, you will never measure up because YOU ARE NOT THEM! YOU ARE YOU and should be proud of it!

When you free yourself of all the crap, you will amaze yourself at what you are capable of. When you stop trying to be funny and let it come from within, you'll surprise everyone, most of all yourself! Making excuses about not being funny, interesting or strong doesn't cut it. An Alpha Male realizes there are no excuses. What is it Yoda said? " Do or do not. There is no try."

Yes, all that fancy crap sounds very romantic. But have you stopped and thought why a woman in a mansion will have a fling with the pool man? The gardener? The mechanic? The Chauffeur? It's not his money, it's not about his body. Good grief! Take a look at a plumber sometime, and how many jokes there are about his cheeks showing from under the sink and puttying his crack shut, yet he will inspire more offers than you think. I know. I used to be one.

Why is that? It's not their clothes, their car, or their money. It's because many of them are simply men being men. “No excuses to anyone, thank you, and you know what you can do with it if you want me to be something else.” That attitude of meeting life on his own terms and no others, head on, straight up, do or die. Get it done and do it right.

Read a good Romance novel recently? Many of the characters the women end up with in a hot affair are precisely the antithesis of what supposedly passes for a man these days! See when you finally stop thinking it's something OUTSIDE of yourself that makes a woman want you, you're finally starting to get it.

In the sappy movie Titanic, the lady snuck away from her rich suitor to experience life with a man – a REAL man. The passion in the back seat. Posing nude for drawings. Dancing and drinking with the "lower class." The thrill, the excitement, the tension of maybe getting caught. Boring? Not in this lifetime! She was almost resigned to a life of correctness, appropriate behavior, and boredom. Then she began to live when she met a man who showed her what life could be like with someone not afraid to live it. She smelled adventure, and that was it. Game over.

Or Ripley in the movie "Aliens." She was bitter, hard and cold until she met a man, a mere corporal mind you, who freed her to be a woman again. Someone she could trust to take charge and lead. Then she could relax, rest and finally begin to unwind. If you watch their interaction when he's showing her how to use the rifle, then with the locater beacon wrist band. This is a woman who was not afraid to tell the vice president of a corporation to go screw himself yet she's giggling and getting all shy and playful with him. You can see the tension slowing moving away from her shoulders, her neck and her face. The rest of the movie she defers to HIM and no one else.

While there are other issues that make these movies less than ideal, the picture it paints is unmistakable. Can you even count the times men went ga-ga over Ripley? Wanted her? Yet were afraid of her at the same time. Why? All the clues were right there as well for what she wanted in a man. Did any of them even see them? NOT! He was not the leader until forced to. He was not the clown. He was not the loudest or put himself forward in any way. He quietly did his job. When asked to step up, he made no excuses; he just did it. He did not have to be in front to lead, he did not have to take charge of the room, he already owned it. He did not have to shout to be heard, they listened. While the others before him had to threaten and demand, when he told them what needed to be done, they did it.

And if you think I'm telling you that's how ALL Alpha Males behave, you're not paying attention. You will be different. If you've ever watched a comedy program where Robin Williams was on with others, do you notice how they all defer to him? How he can take over the whole show at any moment with never a second thought? He's not aggressive about it; he's simply being who he is. Others try and are sneered at while he is rewarded for it. He is a leader within his area of expertise, an authority. Chicks dig that, and men follow it.

None of these men were perfect, rich or even considered the top of the food chain. Yet they showed enough of what being a man is for the women to enjoy being a woman. Any man can be an Alpha Male right now. This minute. Not when he gets a better job, a better house or a better car. Right now. No more excuses. The cage door is open. It's up to you whether you close it again and live in its shallow confinement or choose to live free as you were meant to be. No one or no thing makes that choice for you. You cannot blame anyone else, dodge the responsibility or worm your way out of it. Step up or step down. Your decision.

Think about it. I see from 40 to 50 women every single day I work. Young, old, skinny, fat, you name it. They all respond the same. I see teenagers, college girls, young professionals, stay at home moms, and corporate leaders walk through my doors every day. I talk to them all and while we may only talk for a grand total of 1- 5 minutes, it's surprising what an impact those moments have on their day.

Over time there are quite a few I get to know much better. And they bring in their friends as well. Many of them ask when I'm off for a few days where I am and tell me how much they miss me when I'm not there. I've detailed the other offers I get many times to you in private and I won't go into them here. What I had dreamed of being was all inside me. It took your book to unlock it. I'll never be able to thank you enough.

Later,
David

Wow. Can this guy preach or what? LOL! Seriously, if you’ll notice, he’s just doing what alpha males do: grabbing the bull by the horns, shooting straight, and taking charge of the situation. He has something to teach, something of great value gained through personal experience, and he’s stepping up in front of the crowd and saying, “Brothers! Lend me your ears and let’s fix your problems.” And make no mistake; this is natural behavior for him. I’ve watched it develop.

As I mentioned earlier, David won a contest, the prize for which was a copy of my book, "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." He mentioned that he was interested in learning to write advertising copy, and I offered to help him learn. So we discussed my book quite a bit over the course of the next week or two as he was going through it trying to take command of the material to write a sales letter – self-improvement outside of learning to write advertising copy was not even his goal! But it soaked in, and took over. Watching the change in him, even though I was expecting it from having seen it in too many other men to count, was a delight to witness, and you see how he turned out.

The world of women is his oyster, as is the rest of his world. He is where he is because he chooses to be there, and I know enough about his resume to know he could be in a lot of other places if he chose to do so. And he’s having so much fun studying women and watching for that special someone that he’s feeling no pressure whatsoever to commit to any of them, holding out for “the one” is an enjoyable experience for him. And all because he read a book, the very same one I am offering YOU.

It’s a book full of blindingly self-evident facts and truth, and it will do the same to and for you if you give it a chance. Download your copy today at
http://www.makingherhappy.com and give it a try!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Sunday, April 05, 2009

The Path to Real Manhood and a Great Relationship and Marriage, Part 2

My buddy David saw his letter in yesterday’s episode, and erupted with a continuation of his epiphany, which has even more valuable insights that you won’t want to miss, so read on!

If you missed yesterday’s episode, you really missed a treat, so go back and catch up. Today’s is even more insightful and significant than yesterday, as the floodgates appear to have been opened. Without further ado, more from my friend David:

THANK YOU!!!

I could tell it had all the earmarks and thanks for further clarifying some of the points, which inspired me further:

Stress basically comes from what? Doing things we don't want to do, feel compelled to do or don't enjoy doing. Being an Alpha Male is who we are meant to be and nature gears us up for it from the moment of conception according to all scientific evidence. We are genetically programmed for it and are hence born to be precisely and elegantly an Alpha Male, nothing less.

So when you throw in the BS of trying to get us to be anything other than MALE, our stress levels rise accordingly because we are doing something AGAINST OUR NATURE! As you pointed out, it is not a question of gearing ourselves up for more stress to save our relationships; it's a question of how much relief we want in our lives, our relationships and our minds.

How popular was the song "Take This Job and Shove It!" because it echoed so many peoples despair over their jobs? When it finally clicks in men’s minds how HUGE a stress it is for a woman to be bored, is it any surprise she's ready to sing "Take This Relationship And Shove It?" because it has all the earmarks of being a JOB now and not a source of pleasure, safety, trust, fun and excitement, or anything positive at all?

We all fantasize about being free. How magic a honeymoon is because you have PERMISSION to enjoy yourselves with no restraints. Run on the beach naked? No Problem! Tickle and tease? Go for it! Get frisky wherever and whenever? Hoo Yah!

What restrains this behavior at home? It's not the kids, it's not the job, it's not her. YOU have stopped giving yourself PERMISSION to be YOURSELF. You have now become locked up behind the cell door of "expected behavior" and the constant stress that goes with it. Your creativity goes by the doormat, your fun hangs on the coat rack by the door, and your stress amps up as you walk in. You now have two jobs. Work and home. Is it any wonder things go south? Now your relationship and marriage has turned into a job, a bad job, for both of you! And at this point, could life together such any worse? Not much!

Why do we lose patience with those who are not men any longer? Because nobody tolerates a fake. Someone who lives a lie in an attempt to please. Our natures scream against it. We are following our nature when we seek to open the eyes of those in lock down. Yet they - like a caged bird - have grown so used to it being "normal," they no longer see the bars. It has become safe, and they have become your “comfortably unhappy.” Our frustration grows because we are trying to free them and they don't want it. It's too hard. It's too much work. They’re safe. The constant bombardment of whining wears anyone down. You can hear so much of it before it becomes sickening. It becomes so clear, so obvious you stare in disbelief how obvious it is and they can't see it!

And just how safe is it if she's out the door after trying, fighting and begging you to step up and you keep closing the door every time she tries to open it? She wants her man back and he only wants his safety. It is a fact lions, tigers and most any large animal in a zoo will fight to keep its territory in that little cage even when offered a larger open space in front of it. They have to poke and prod it into freedom. What size prod will it take for men to learn?

D.H. Lawrence wrote a lot of poetry, and some of it sounds strange until you find the context, such as one that was featured in “G.I. Jane” (another shining example of women acting more like a man than men do):


“I never saw a wild thing feeling sorry for itself. A bird will fall, frozen dead, from a bough, without ever having felt sorry for itself.”

I never saw the significance of that until we started discussing this, and the lion analogy reminded me that we were once wild, but now, like the lion, we can’t tell the difference between what we have and something better, and feel sorry for ourselves because “she just doesn’t understand,” and “we do everything for them and they just don’t care.” Yeah, right.

The question would then simplify to - "Do you give yourself permission to be a man or do you enjoy your cage too much?" Asking someone else's permission does not free you of responsibility. It adds to it. It now makes YOU responsible for your and her decisions because you didn't make them. You may see the responsibility as being hers because she made it. What you have done in fact is make her FEEL responsible for not only her issues, but now she has to take care of yours as well. Now she is feeling more caged by the minute. Trapped behind bars she does not want, did not build and YOU put her there. Any wonder she starts to resent you?

So if any man ever asks a woman for permission as an attempt to be sensitive, what he is asking her in her mind is, consciously or not, for her to join him in his cell, in his enslavement, in his BOREDOM. What woman in her right mind would agree to any such thing? Is it any wonder every instinct in her is screaming 'LEAVE RIGHT NOW!" Or that eventually, if he doesn’t straighten up, she listens to the voices inside and either leaves or puts him out?

Think about what being true to our nature means. One aspect is being able to sense the falseness in others. It becomes easier to tell from the smallest of hints. Women cultivate their true nature as a part of growing up. It builds and enhances their nature to more effectively deal with life and their relationships. Because they are strengthening their true nature, anyone being false hasn't a chance of fooling them. It's also why when they are not being true to their nature but fighting against it as most feminists do, it's harder for them to tell when someone is false.

Understanding body language helps, but when you sense it as a part of your nature, it takes minimal education to its nuances for the recognition to expand.

Is the light of truth harsh reality or a beacon of freedom?

Harsh reality slaps you in the face with papers, storming out the door in anger, or affairs.

The beacon of freedom frees you from the need to put on an act, to pretend, to lie to yourself or her any longer.

And if you don't have to pretend any more, think what freedom that gives you to have some fun again! There is no longer any pressure to "perform!" No longer wondering what will set her off or make her happy. It's now simply a matter of who you are that makes her wet just thinking about what is to come.

Her tests are easy to pass because you simply react as a man. You don't have to learn how to handle each situation in detail. You don't need examples. You simply call it what it is, make it clear you know what's up and she'll love you for it.

Maybe that's why there's such a negative reaction by women growing stronger and more outraged at all the dating and attraction "skills" being taught. They find out about them, check to see if you're using them and make it clear in no uncertain terms what they think of you. I even saw a CSI Miami episode where the women were having great fun making fun of and embarrassing men "caught in the act" of “running game” on them.

To my mind it also taints the image of what men perceive about fixing relationships. It's learning another set of skills to deal better with their women when in fact it's nothing of the kind. Like you said. It's about being reborn as the man you were intended to be. Stop looking at it as a skill, an act, a set of learned behaviors you need to practice. It's learning to forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made and realizing nothing would please her more than to see you making mistakes and having successes on your way to being the man she wants. The mistakes she'll forgive, and help you learn from when she sees you actually doing something. The successes she'll reward you with in ways you had no clue she was ready to give you to make sure they keep coming!

Finally it will begin to sink in that she REALLY DOES want you to succeed. It's in her best interest, her long term sanity and safety. She can relax and be your woman when you relax and BE her man. The nagging and carping stop when you begin. Then maybe you'll realize the picking at you is not her trying to drive you nuts, it's her trying to wake you up! Once she knows you are back among the living again and not hiding behind "expected behaviors" anymore, the rewards won't cease.

Oops! Gotta get ready for work. I've been thinking the logical conclusion to this is how misunderstood the picture of an Alpha Male is in most men's minds. It's gotten so idealized it seems unapproachable, when indeed it is our natural state.

Later!
David


Are you getting all of this? Could it be made any clearer for you? This is the way of the world, and if you don’t “believe” it, ask a woman! Ask her what it feels like to be with a man who bores her, a man who doesn’t listen to her, a man who won’t step up and act like a man, a man who won’t lead, and either whines about having to make decisions or even worse, is so insecure that in lieu of leading, he attempts to control everything, including her. I did…

Indeed, I asked a great many, and learned from them. And I taught their boyfriends and husbands, and we then refined everything and once it was all proven, I began teaching other men, including David, and they in turn are teaching thousands more as they live in relationships and marriages that most would think impossible, when indeed if a foundation of compatibility is there, true happiness that lasts is easily attainable.

Care to join us? Go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and get started. Or stay in your cage. It’s your choice, so make a good one.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham