Saturday, March 28, 2009

Verbal Ping Pong: Clear and Effective Conversation in Relationships and Marriage

MUST READ: You’ll be shocked to find out how much your partner has tried to tell you when you thought she had nothing to say, and how much she thinks you’re not listening when you don’t drag it out of her.

This is going to be one of those articles that you probably should forward to your friends, because very few of them are going to have any clue that the world works this way and will thank you for sharing this with them. So, grab a cup of coffee or whatever your favorite libation happens to be and settle in for an awakening like none you’ve ever had (unless of course you’ve read "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage").

I probably have more female friends than most guys because of the nature of the kinds of work I’ve been attracted to in my life, especially this work, and it gives me a chance to observe female behavior on a fairly large scale without the potential emotional stress that can interfere with communication when you catch your partner having a bad day or in a foul mood. The things I notice I eventually put to the test with my wife and pass along to the support team to verify in their own lives, and once in a while, I stumble upon something that is just about Earth-shattering.

One such thing is the difference in how men and women convey information, especially historical information (“How was your day, Dear?” or “Tell me about your trip,”) to each other. Hopefully by now, you’ve read in my free “Break-Up Busting 101” report the excerpt from "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" titled “Men State, Women Negotiate,” but if not I encourage you to do so before continuing, because what you are about to read takes that understanding up to an even higher level, one that could save you half or more of the ill feelings that your wife might ever feel toward you – yes, it’s really that big.

When a man has something to report, that’s what he does. He just spits it out and moves on. Women want to go through somewhat of a ping-pong exchange to convey the same message.


Consider the following scenario: A man comes home from an overnight business trip and his wife says, “Hi Honey! Welcome home! I missed you. How was your trip?”

He replies, “
It was good. The hotel was nice, the food was good, the meeting with the client went well and we got an even bigger order than I’d hoped for. I’m tired and hungry, so I’m going to unpack real quick and grab a shower and then I’m taking you out to dinner to celebrate.” And he leaves the room.

The odds are that at this moment, his wife is somewhere between feeling left out, angry, and hurt, all to varying degrees. Why? We’ll get to that in a minute. Let’s turn the tables and see how the conversation would have gone if it were her who had just come home from the exact same trip, with the same experiences to relate to the husband, and he reacts as most men do:

She hits the door and says, “Hi Honey, I’m home!”

He comes strolling in and says, “I see you made it back in one piece. How was your trip?”

She says, “It was good. Really good.”

He says, “Well that’s great. Look, I’m hungry, so how about I take your luggage to the bedroom and we go get something to eat?”

What just happened? That depends on whose point of view you are considering. From his point of view, because he doesn’t realize that he needed to invite her to share more information, she had a good trip and is tired and not feeling talkative. WRONG ANSWER! In her mind, he just completely blew off her activities and accomplishments and was more interested in stuffing his face, and she’s even more upset than she was in the previous scenario. If this has happened much in the past, it’s just one more nail in the coffin of their relationship.

Because of the same brain structure issues disclosed in the “Men State, Women Negotiate” chapter of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," women also handle reporting in that same back-and-forth manner. Hence, when she starts to speak, she pauses to have you acknowledge what she has said and invite her to continue. Their stated reasons vary from wanting to test to see if you’re interested to being polite to “I don’t know, that’s just the way it is,” but it’s really that same biological, brain structure-dependent mechanism, and you’ll find that the “girlier” she is, the more prevalent the behavior.

How would this conversation have played out if it would have happened in her perfect world? Let’s look. First he comes home from the trip, she welcomes him as before, and he begins to answer her:

He says, “It was really good. I’m glad I went.”

She says, “How was the hotel?”

He says, “It was good. I enjoyed it.”

She says, “Was the bed comfortable?”

He says, “Yes, I slept well and had a great breakfast the next morning.”

She says, “And you meeting went well?”

He says, “Yes, very well. The client was pleased and placed a big order.”

She says, “Pleased with you or the proposal?”

He says, “Both, and so much so that this is worth celebrating!”

She says, “Oh my! Dinner out then?”

He says, “Yes, I’m starved, so I’m going to clean up and whisk you away to Scalini’s for Italian. How about that?”

She says, “That will be wonderful. I’ll be ready in a minute.”

As you can see, there really wasn’t much more information conveyed, but she feels good about it because it was more interactive. There was that social element of sharing so prevalent in the female communication style. The conversation would have been near-identical, again in her idea of a perfect world, if she had been the one on a trip, but there would have been a lot more information conveyed if he had dragged it out of her with the right questions:

He says, “How was the hotel?”

She says, “It was wonderful. The place was clean and the people were so nice.”

He says, “Really?”

She says, “Yes! And the sheets smelled so good I didn’t want to get out of bed. I meant to ask them what that scent was.

He says, “Was the bed comfortable?”

She says, “Yes, I slept well and felt great when I woke up.”

He says, “How was the food?”

She says, “Wonderful! I had a great breakfast of a Florentine omelet with juice and coffee. It was fabulous.”

He says, “That’s great. I didn’t know you liked spinach in an omelet.”

She says, “Oh yes, and the coffee was just the way I like it and the orange juice was fresh-squeezed for me at the table. I’ll definitely go back.”

He says, “And your meeting went well?”

She says, “Yes, very well. The client was pleased.”

He says, “Pleased with you or the proposal?”

She says, “Both, and placed a big order. He’s a very nice man too. He was very respectful and didn’t interrupt me once.

He says, “Well, that sounds like cause for celebration. Do you feel like going out?”

She says, “Yes, I’m starved!”

He says, “Well then, I’m going to clean up and whisk you away to Scalini’s for Italian. How about that?”

She says, “That would be wonderful, but it takes so long to get served there. Can we do Martin’s Steakhouse instead?”

He says, “Sure, I’ll be ready in a minute.”

So you see, any invitation to continue brings greater and greater levels of detail. At first, it may feel like you’re trying to pull dragon’s teeth to get her to spit it all out, but eventually you’ll both understand each other’s needs and tendencies and it will get easier for both of you. Also notice even though it’s her celebration, she makes no suggestion as to the venue, even though she obviously has an idea of where she wants to go. This gets back to the negotiation lesson that you should have learned in the excerpt from "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage."

One other thing that you will notice as you get used to this sort of parley is that she drops subtle clues for him to help him lead the conversation, such as mentioning that the sheets smelled good before addressing the most common of all issues with bedding and sleep, which is comfort. A woman will tend to hold off on the most important things until last and work their way up to them, where we tend to spit them out first and drop less-significant, parenthetical details after we’ve established the main point. Remember that women can go through a lot of tests to make sure you’re interested in the subject before they give you the real meat of the conversation.

So do you now see why she would have been upset with him in the first two examples? In the first, he left her no way to interact and indeed, cut her off by announcing that he was leaving the room when he was done speaking, and in the second, he appeared to her to assume that there was nothing more important than his appetite left to deal with, when in fact he just didn’t realize that he needed to invite her to tell him the rest of the story.

Now, think back over your life together to all the times that something like this might have happened, and then go tell your wife that you had no idea that it worked this way. Then tell her that you will be trying to make it more interactive for her and that she in turn needs to realize that especially when under stress, your natural tendency will be to be as brief as possible to make more time for either handling the situation or returning to normal after it’s passed, and that if she wants more information than what you provide, that she has a standing invitation to ask questions until the two of you get more in tune with each other’s tendencies and needs and can anticipate and get along better.

Gentlemen, as usual, it’s not rocket science; it’s just different from what you are accustomed to. She won’t expect you to do everything her way, but she’ll greatly appreciate you trying to meet her in the middle and you’ll find that your conversational skills and appeal to both sexes will improve as you do this, because you’ll learn how to better read people and know whether they have more to say before you change subjects or make them feel like they need to. Being liked is purely a function of giving people a reason to enjoy your company, and being a good conversationalist is one of the surest ways in the world to be wildly popular, especially with women.

There you have it. It’s long, and the examples may have even been a little boring because you’re not used to going through so much “ping-pong” to get a message across, but as you progress, you’ll also find that you learn things about your partner from those extra little details she provides that are indeed valuable, because they provide useful hints about her likes and dislikes, which in turn help in another of the most difficult of all human endeavors, choosing the perfect gift for your wife or girlfriend.

All of this and more, including the full scoop on how to communicate effectively with the women in your life, how to buy the perfect gift, and how to easily make her life so fun and exciting that she’s breaking fingernails trying to get you out of your clothes are some of what you’ll learn in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," if and only if you go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com, download your copy, and read and apply it. If I publish another thousand newsletters you still won’t see all the proven, critical information in this book that will allow you to make your relationship as good as it can get, so go ahead, do it now, because life is too short to waste it waiting for something good to happen when you can quickly, easily, and cheaply MAKE IT HAPPEN!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Friday, March 27, 2009

Personal Authority Creates Instant Attraction In Your Relationship and Marriage

Letting the women in your life, especially your wife or girlfriend, see you in a position of authority and leadership can generate INSTANT attraction. And you know what attraction generates, right? ;-)

I love days like today. Aside from springtime weather that really resembles summer and accomplishing a lot of things so far today (I’m writing this Friday evening), I received a success story and testimonial that has a PERFECT example of how a man can quickly set his wife on fire without doing anything different: Just let her see him in action, doing anything he does competently. Meet Steve:

David,

After reading your book and all the daily reports, I have become much more aware of the things that before were totally missed and seemed to be unimportant. I wanted to share with you an experience I had last weekend that illustrated how attraction works.

One of my wife's younger co-workers asked if we would be willing to be interviewed by her husband for a project he is working on for a college class he is taking. He is doing post-graduate work to become a professional counselor. We agreed and met them for dinner and then went to their house for the interview.

I don't want to seem insensitive, but in order to give you a complete picture of the situation, I must say that the young woman's husband is not what you would call a studly, manly type of guy, however she is quite attractive and, at first glance, you might think them to be somewhat mismatched. As we sat and answered his questions, he was taking notes and appeared to be comfortable and confident and was in control of the situation.

About halfway through, his wife, who was sitting next to me, blurted out "Wow, I have never seen you like this, in action. You are hot, Honey!" My wife even agreed with her and commented on how he was going to be a good counselor!

Before, I would have totally missed what had just happened, but since I have become aware, I immediately smiled at what I recognized as attraction created by alpha male behavior. We have always been told that men are much more receptive to seeing how something works as opposed to being told about how it works, and this was a perfect example. It has nothing to do with looks or money.

Thanks again, David, for helping to open our eyes to what our women want, and how to give it to them.

Steve


Steve’s right, too! And I want every one of you, male and female, to take a close look at something he mentioned: “alpha male behavior.” This phrase has been bandied about like a cheap bromide for a decade or more, and in mainstream literature is often grossly misused to denote a man of promiscuous, violent sort who intimidates men and seduces women. Not so, not by a long shot.

The alpha male in any situation is simply the leader, or one of several leaders. The guy that other guys go to for instruction, sanction, permission, validation, support, etc. He’s the “go-to guy” in his area, and he makes decisions, directs people, and takes action when he’s the best one to do so. And those traits that you find in such a leader, like confidence, expert status, the ability to deviate from the subject at hand to have a little fun and go back to it to break monotony or tension, etc., are the real alpha male traits that any man can own and project.

Every single one of us is good at something, maybe several things, and for a few of us, maybe even many things, and when the women in our lives see us in that competent, confident role, or that easy-going “center of the social circle” role at a party, or barking orders to get people through a crisis, etc., it makes them feel like they have better than the average guy, a prize, and there are biological responses to that behavior as well, including attraction, and even seduction.

There are a lot of ways that a man can become and live as an alpha male, and enjoy that status for a long time, if he doesn’t blow it with gross insensitivity, poor inter-gender communications skills, etc., and there’s no excuse for blowing it because there’s really not that much to know and nothing difficult to do, once you’ve learned what’s expected, what’s best, and how to have fun with it.

And that part is really easy. It’s in "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," which you can have in an easy download at
http://www.makingherhappy.com. So tell me, what’s your wife saying about you? Or are you REALLY in trouble because she’s saying nothing at all? Make it better now, because it gets harder with every day that you let pass without your problems being addressed.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Knowing a Woman's Heart: The Man Who Does It Can Have the Greatest of Relationships and Marriage!

A female reader wants to know if I’m really a man because I can “speak from a woman’s heart.” So can you, if you learn what you need to know about women to live happily with them.

I had a wonderful surprise in my Inbox this morning, a letter from one of the female readers who motivated me to explain some things to the men in a way that I hope will help them finally wake up and see just how difficult it can be to try to live with a woman when you’re unprepared, no matter how much you love each other, and how that little bit of preparation can make the difference between a rocky road and a perpetual honeymoon. Meet Irene:

Dear David,

Thanks for talking from women's heart! Are you not a MAN? I mean what’s the difference between you and other men that they don’t even think, see or know these things!?!?! I envy your wife!!! Thanks for the good things you write, and hope men can learn!

Regards,
Irene

My reply:

Hi Irene,

Yes, I'm a man, but I've had the help of a lot of women in learning about women, including what they want, how they communicate, and how to make life fun and exciting for them. I think the biggest lessons I've ever learned were two things about women: The first is that they abhor boredom more than about anything on the planet (it truly threatens their life and sanity,) and that they want their man to be the kind of man who can protect them from that boredom for the long haul. The second is that affairs are a weapon of last resort in that battle.

The next hardest lesson I had to learn was that attraction and love are totally separate and independent emotions (See my free “Break-Up Busting 101” report for an excerpt from my book that explains all of the relationship emotions), that women can love their husbands to the exclusion of all else and still be driven to engage in an affair if he doesn't keep her from getting bored, and that in a woman's life, a man's primary function is not to give her children, protect her from the outside world, provide for her every need, or any of the common myths that have developed over the centuries. It is to protect her from her primary enemy, boredom, the thing above all others that threatens her life and well-being by screwing up her body chemistry to the point that she is nearly incapable of making good decisions due to the level of desperation it creates within her.

I say these lessons were hard to learn, but I must clarify. They were not difficult to uncover; that only took trying to talk to women about what they liked and disliked in their lives. They were hard to learn because they were hard to accept in the face of a lifetime of being programmed by media and tradition with erroneous ideas. Another huge lesson: when you want to know something, go to the source, or at least a bona fide spokesman for the source (like me!).

The most difficult lesson to uncover was the difference in our communications methods and the mechanics behind them. There have been volumes upon volumes written on the subject, and even with a strong background (including post-graduate work) in psychology, I had a hard time understanding most of it, because it was mostly theory that proved inconsistent with the real world. Again, the information finally came from asking a large number of women (188 women including 118 that were coupled with men in the research group plus family and friends before the first release of the book, and many more since) who were motivated to get involved a lot of very direct questions about things they said, why they said them, the emotions behind things they said, and the motivations for saying things, like the female tendency to tell a friend what they think they want to hear instead of the truth when they are upset, and why they ask questions to make statements and why they made statements to ask questions.

In the end, we "broke the code," and found that men and women can communicate accurately and effectively the first time around if we fully understand each other's tendencies and the brain structure that makes those tendencies automatic and therefore predictable. Indeed, the women also learned something that shocked them that men really aren't as mean and insensitive as they thought, and that in fact we just didn't understand what we were being told and were all too happy to try to cooperate and get along better. They really thought that men and women communicate the same way, and finding out that men speak predominately to report while women speak predominately to negotiate was one of the biggest revelations that the group members had.

So there you have it, the difference between me and other men is not that I’m secretly a woman, but that I have learned what I need to know about women FROM WOMEN, I tested it all by using it in my own life and teaching their husbands what they taught me, and I don't make apologies for being a man. I'm glad you asked, because from time to time I find myself forgetting how hard it was to put aside what I thought I knew, go to the source, and accept what those women had to say, regardless of whether it initially made sense or made life easier for me.

It helps me to remember from time to time that after spending several decades following what I had been taught by friends, family, media and tradition, it was very difficult at times to break those chains and accept reality, possibly as hard as it was for people to initially accept that the Earth revolved around the Sun and that it was spherical and one could sail in one direction and eventually come back to his origin without dropping off the edge of the Earth and falling into the mouth of a monster. Men were burned alive as heretics at first for trying to tell those truths because everybody “knew” they were wrong, heretical, and inherently dangerous. Have you stopped to examine what you “know” lately?

Take care,
David


Gentlemen, there you have it. "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" is filled with lessons hard-earned but well-learned, and is put together in such a way as to not only teach you all those things you need to know about women, but to help you teach your partner what she needs to know about you. It’s a seminar in book form, one in which you can both grow together to make your relationship more than you ever dared dream it could be, full of life, happiness, fun, love, and yes, intimacy and sex. Go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy today, right now, before you do another thing, because your life – and your life together – deserves better than fumbling around from day to day trying to reinvent the wheel or following time-honored but totally absurd traditions and just plain bad advice from people whose motives are questionable at best.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Don't ACT Attractive, BE Attractive to Have a Great Life, Relationship and Marriage

Simply trying to act attractive won’t work; you can’t live a lie for very long before you get caught. The good news is that you can quickly change yourself, your self-perception, and BE attractive, so that it’s effortless and fun because it’s natural.

I’m going to break tradition here this morning, and address something that is really bothering me badly, speaking to both the men and women of this list. I’m going to ask everyone to read it in its entirety, although it may appear briefly to be impertinent; the conclusion and advice will bring everything into clear focus and you will absolutely find it worth reading.

I mentioned a while back that I was reading a notorious book for women on how to “capture a husband” called “The Rules” and I’ve finished it, several times. It is the most disturbing book I have ever read. Why?

First, I want to say up front that I’m not setting out to trash another author’s work. There is some very good advice in that book on issues of security and a few other things, but the authors, like most men and women, apparently knew little to nothing about female attraction. (Guys, again, stay with me here…)

Their focus was on getting married, using tactics that one of their grandmothers imparted to them, tactics that were developed and used well over a hundred years ago when marrying well was a survival skill and marrying for love was a very low priority. If getting married, without regard to the quality of man you marry or whether he is a good match for you, is your only concern, what’s in it will work, however…

Many of the tactics they tout involve preying on a man’s insecurities to manipulate his emotions and control his reactions; they openly state this at more than one point in the book, and then try to rationalize it. Any woman will tell you that she cannot respect or be attracted to a man she can easily manipulate or control. So while this may get a woman married, it would not be to the man of her dreams, it would be to a scared, needy wuss. These tactics would never work on an alpha male. Even more disturbing, and the bigger issue was…

Much of the advice was worded and in a context that implied not being attractive, but putting on an attractive act. They also kept alluding to people who didn’t follow the program because putting on an act was too hard. Part of what was so disturbing was that they saw the problem as it being too hard to keep up an act and advising women not to discuss what they were doing so that nobody would talk them out of it – read “verify that it was a bad idea” – instead of realizing that the fix for being unattractive was to BECOME attractive, not to just try to ACT attractive.

Gentlemen (and Ladies!) I cannot overstress how bad a strategy this is. At best, when you try to act attractive instead of just becoming attractive, you’re only replacing one kind of stress with another, one source of frustration with another, and one fear with another. The things that you should do to be attractive and exciting to the kind of person you want to attract and excite, especially as your partner – independent, confident, caring, etc. – are fun things, not stressful things. They are things that have a positive impact in your entire life, not just your relationship with your partner, such as personal achievements, great and small.

So it behooves you to step up to some fun and adventure, and take that extra step or two and make whatever changes to yourself real and permanent. Life’s too short to spend it afraid of discovery and stressed out!

I usually try to focus on only one point at a time, but these were all so inter-related that it seemed logical to address them together. I’ll sum it up for you to make sure we are on the same page:

1. Always look at the motivation behind and purpose for any advice anyone gives you, and make sure they are competent to give it by virtue of having succeeded at (and by!) doing whatever they’re advising you to do.

2. Any attraction tactic that preys on a man’s or a woman’s insecurities is bad; indeed, if they respond strongly to such a tactic, consider it a red flag that there is a self-esteem issue there to deal with, and if this person is already your partner, try to help them build self-esteem, don’t continue to tear it down by gouging it with scarcity. Preying on insecurity or anything else is a manipulative act of a predator, by definition, right? This is not rocket science.

3. Any attraction tactic that requires that you lie to your partner (or prospect, if you are in or end up in the dating world) or put on an act will ultimately just add to your problems, not fix them. The key to happiness is to simplify it, not add more complexity and potential for mishap and disappointment.

4. Your goal in any relationship should be to have a good match, so that you can be yourself as much as possible and through compatibility find shared values and the love that it brings. Your personal goal should be to make yourself all that you can be so that you can live the life, not just look like it. As the saying goes, “Don’t just talk the talk, walk the walk.”

5. Any time you approach a relationship or situation in fear of it not working out instead of looking forward to enjoying it when it does work out, you’re setting yourself up for stress and ultimately failure. If you can’t be confident in what you are pursuing, seek knowledge and training, and make the self-improvements that are necessary to achieve and deserve the success you desire. See those who have done what you want to do as mentors to be sought out, not competitors to beat down. The difference in success and failure is very often just the difference in starting with proper preparation and just trying to “wing it.”

There is a lot of tested and proven information in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” that will get you to that level of relationship quality and competence that will let you enjoy it instead of being bored with it or fearing losing it. I’ve used it, my support staff has used it, and the many folks who have bought the book have used it, and the most negative comment I’ve received to date has been “Great stuff!” so I’m guaranteeing that it will work for you, too – you won’t risk a thing except a few hours to read it. Download your copy today at
http://www.makingherhappy.com, because life is too short to spend it stressed out, scared, bored, frustrated, and celibate.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Trick Question: How Do You Ask for Intimacy in Your Relationship and Marriage?

A reader asks about the proper way to ask for physical intimacy. The short answer is, you don’t!

I hope this day is going as well for you as it is for me. The air is thick with the smell of testosterone as project after project, the kind that require a quick mind, strong back, and power tools, has been completed and celebrated with a satisfied grunt and a wipe of the brow before changing tools to start the next project.

Being a guy is easy for me, because I’ve learned that it’s something to aspire to, not something to apologize for, just like being human. There is very little that annoys me any more than to hear someone try to cover a mistake by saying, “But I’m ONLY human.”

We are the most highly-evolved species on the planet, the only one capable of sophisticated engineering, fabrication, and decision-making, not to mention art, cooking, music and dance, etc. We have the power of volitional choice, and hence can develop and raise our standard of living well beyond what is required for mere survival, unlike any other species on Earth.

In spite of this status, some of us just don’t get it. We shy away from doing what comes natural, as if there’s something wrong with being human, or with being a man or a woman. Meet Marcus:

Hi David,

I’ve been following your newsletters for several months now, and haven’t yet seen you speak of the proper way to ask a woman for intimacy (sex). Is this something that you cover in your book and just don’t want to discuss in your newsletter or what?

Regards,
Marcus


Marcus, Buddy, if the truth were a snake it would have bitten you. You’ve not seen me speak of it because YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO IT! If you were to ask any woman – WOMAN, mind you, not some high school girl who still has a head full of poetic mush from reading too many fairy tales – how she liked to be asked for sex, she’d most likely laugh at you and walk off without an answer. The question is truly that pathetic to women, as it marks you as an “un-man,” a loser.

You should have noticed that what I DO talk about, frequently, is how to flip a woman’s attraction switches on by acting like a man, the alpha male who, instead of being wussy and boring and hiding from the world in his easy chair channel surfing with a beer all evening and then asking for sex at bed time, projects an image of confidence because he’s good at the things he does and enjoys being a man leading an active life, who has a fun, playful, flirtatious sense of humor, and can put a smile on a woman’s face by jumping in and out of “leadership” mode to crack a naughty grin and playfully tease and create enjoyable sexual tension for her.

This is what women want (Pay attention here, Sigmund Freud -- he's famous for saying, "The great question, which I have not answered, is ‘What does a woman want?'"): They want to be excited. They want to be surprised from time to time. They want to have fun. They want to dance that “two steps forward, one step back” dance with you as the naughty fun and flirting ramps up tension, eases a bit momentarily, and then shoots to new highs, until such a high is reached that they pounce on you, wanting to be “taken.” THAT’S why you’ve never heard me describing the proper way to ASK for sex. It doesn’t exist.

And before somebody jumps to a really stupid conclusion and sends me a nasty-gram saying I’m promoting rape, no, I absolutely am not. “No” means “no.” What I’m telling you is that if you do what you should do in flipping the biological switches to create attraction and excitement, you’ll never hear “no” because she will be coming after you, or waiting with bated breath and quickened pulse to be taken by you and making it plain that she wants you. “No” is only an issue when you’re either not creating attraction for her or being insensitive and pushing her for sex when she has other problems.

Whether or not she wants to have sex with you is her right to choose, but if you do what you should be doing as a man, which is creating attraction for her and knowing how to communicate with her, she will be consistently choosing to unless she’s in pretty bad shape, because she’ll be biologically driven to it and you will in fact be holding her off a bit to heighten the tension and excitement!

Attraction is biological, not logical, and there is no request or argument that you can make that will excite her enough to do anything more than tolerate you. Flip those switches off, and you will hear “No” every time. Flip them on, and you’ll not hear “yes;” you’ll see it, as she pounces on you.

And how do you go about learning and evolving into a man who does this naturally, without the stress of trying to “fake it until you make it?” Come to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and find out, like many before you have!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Monday, March 23, 2009

Why Do Men Have Affairs, and How Do You Stop? More On Protecting Your Relationship and Marriage

An obviously troubled man writes to ask how he can STOP having affairs and get his life together. Let’s see what we can do for him – and YOU!

Guys and gals, lightning has struck! I have for you today proof that men can recognize and admit that they do not like having affairs, and do indeed want a stable, monogamous relationship, possibly even enough to do what is necessary to make it happen. Only time will tell whether this man has the courage of his convictions, but I’m sensing a very genuine desire and sense of priority in his words, and his language indicates that he’s going to step up and take charge of his life. Meet James:

Good morning,

My name is James and would like to share with you problems in my relationship.
It’s been ten years now with ma girlfriend. The problem is I love her but I’m having affairs.

I’m so insecure, jealous coz I think she’s doing the same thing, I don’t trust her at all.

I would like to overcome my problem and stick to one partner, get married, give ma seven year daughter all the support she can ever get.

I don’t think I’ll cope if she have an affair.

I’m OUTGOING, spend most weekends out with friends, on drinking spree,
Come weekdays, I’m a darling.

The problem has affected our sex intimate life, we get intimate once in a while.
She has feeling and will end up having an affair.

Please help.
James


This is obviously a man who is bottoming out, realizing that he’s at a crossroads, and is deciding that he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life the way he’s spent the last ten years. I call that a damned good choice, based on what he’s written about the last ten years. My response:

Hi James,

I cannot help you while you’re pursuing affairs, but if you’re truly ready to stop and straighten up, listen to reason, and get your life on track I can definitely help. Before you can do anything, you’re going to have to identify the reason you are having affairs and eliminate it.

If you’re doing it because you have no self-esteem and are trying to substitute the acceptance and approval of other women for the genuine self-esteem created by achievement, then you’re going to have to start creating real reasons to feel good about yourself and stop thinking that chasing other women is going to make you feel any better about anything. Approval and acceptance must come from within, not from somebody else.

If it’s because you are bored, or because your wife is bored and the two of you aren’t intimate, then you just need to get back in tune, learn about how to create attraction and communicate effectively, and nature will quickly take its course and get you to where you need to be. That’s not hard to do, but you need to know how and you need to want it to make it happen.

Unfortunately, your weekend “drinking sprees” point toward low self-esteem, because a man who feels good about himself doesn’t spend every weekend poisoning himself and looking for cheap thrills with other self-destructive people; a drink or two is no big deal, but you’re describing a binge, and you know as well as I do that repeated bingeing is self-destructive behavior. A man who feels good about himself spends that time enriching himself with his hobbies and enjoying time with the ones he loves, not abusing himself and, potentially, those around him.

Low self-esteem makes you very unattractive to any woman who spends any time around you, and causes you to seek approval, acceptance, social confirmation, etc., from women, who may find you charming and witty when both of you are drinking or drunk, which is a huge red flag in itself, but after they sober up and see that you’re swimming in your problems instead of solving them, they quickly move on and the affair ends.

You have some pretty serious work ahead of you, and my book, "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," can help you if you read and apply it. Its primary purpose is to deprogram you from all the wussy crap that the media and other idiots have heaped on us over the last forty years or more and let the real man within you come out and take over, a man who is competent, confident, attracts and understands women, and is the kind of man that every woman wants to live with, a man-caught in a self-amplifying cycle of self-improvement instead of a death-spiral.

I’d suggest you give it a try before you become an alcohol-related death statistic, because all that is really in front of you is a series of choices to live a better life. The decision is the hard part; following through is easy once you’ve committed to change, because you get to see results and feel good about them, which in turn motivates you to achieve better and better results. Self-esteem-building becomes a self-perpetuating cycle that replaces the cycle of approval-seeking and self-destruction you’re caught in now.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David


I saw a purchase notification from James within 24 hours, and I fully expected it. Why? Because he’s not in denial about his situation; he’s accepted it and admitted that he is the cause of his own problems. When people finally face the fact that what they are doing isn’t working and start asking for help, they usually go through with fixing it.

There are two exceptions. The first is that group of people who define “help” as having someone do everything for them instead of providing the information and support they need and then getting out of the way and letting them do what needs to be done so they can own their own achievement and feel good about it.

The second is that group who are looking for validation of their mistakes instead of solutions to their problems, and they will engage you in conversation on the premise of wanting help, but they don’t want to talk about a solution; instead, they want to talk about what they did and why they did it and how you must understand such-and-such. If you hear the words, “But you don’t understand…” the next thing out of their mouth will be some kind of plea to ignore the reality of their bad choices and tell them that they were justified for screwing up, they’re still a “good person,” etc. Don’t waste your time with them.

So if you’re ready to admit that things aren’t the way they should be and that you are ready to take an active part in the solution, that, Gentlemen, is where I come in. I’ve done the research with hundreds of couples to find out what makes for good and bad relationship and how you can evaluate your own, what women want and what truly makes them tick, and how to easily return to that natural male behavior that flips their attraction switches and turns up the heat, saving them from their primary enemy, boredom. Do you realize what this means to you?

Do you remember the story about the man who found the bottle, rubbed it, and out came a genie, who granted him one wish, and he said he wanted a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii so he could drive his wife, who was afraid of flying, there for a vacation? When the genii said it was too big a request, the man said, “Then I guess I just want to know what makes women tick,” and the genii said, “Hmmm…tell me more about this bridge.”

We were all taught through such jokes and stories growing up that this is something that we would never know, yet here before you is the opportunity to know, once and for all, that most mysterious and seemingly forbidden of all things. Indeed, Sigmund Freud, the renowned psychologist, is famous for saying, “The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, ‘What does a woman want?’” That conundrum being solved, the question now is “Do you have the sense and the guts to reach out and grab this knowledge that evaded even the likes of Sigmund Freud and put it to work in your life?”

Like James, you now have a choice before you. Are you going to continue to sit there in the dark picking up a few crumbs from this newsletter every day, or even worse, in denial about the cause of your problems and looking for someone else to blame? Or are you going to secure for yourself and your family the next best thing to the keys to the universe, the knowledge that will put you on the road to being all that you can be, in your eyes and hers?

That should be the easiest decision you ever made in your life, so jump over to
http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" right now, before you do another thing, because as they say in The South, “Time’s a wastin!” and life is definitely too short to waste it.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Women and Affairs in the Real World, and How to Protect Your Relationship and Marriage

A reader shares some shockingly revealing ads from real women looking for real men, as well a man who targets them, and Gentlemen, you really need to understand this…

There are several of you who have moved out of incompatible, irreconcilable marriages who are now dating who send me examples that are useful to those of us who are still married, especially ads by married women looking for thrills and the men who target them. Rick, a very astute reader and now friend, has contributed in the past, and every time he does, it’s an eye-opener, just like today. Check him out:

Hey David,

As usual, the above newsletter (“03/22/09 - Why Do Women Have Affairs? Knowledge is Powerful Preventive Medicine In Protecting Your Relationship and Marriage”,) is true to its hard-hitting form. Please allow me to provide (yet more) proof that what you say is the truth. I was on my online site earlier this evening when I saw this married woman had looked at my profile. Check out how she describes herself:

"I am a recently separated, and soon to be divorced, fun lady. I do not have any children and am ready to sew my wild oats (since I never had the chance before). I want to find someone who is only interested in having a good time. I'm not ready for a relationship so if that is what you want, do not reply. Am interested in some physical love. Husband could not satisfy my needs and I need someone who can.”

Now look at what she wants:

“I just need someone who is willing to go out with me and have a good time. I want you to show me what I have been missing all of these years - out on the town and in the bedroom. If this sounds like something for you, please respond.”

Another textbook example of how boredom, left unchecked, can doom a marriage. Gentlemen, please buy David's book so that you don't become another statistic! Do it for YOU.

David, Let me say for the record, that I have not, nor will I ever get involved with a married woman. However, there are plenty of men who will! Take a look at this Personal Trainer's confession:

I'm a lonely wife's dream, and hubby's worst nightmare.

In 30 years in the training business, I've probably had affairs with more than 40 married women. Most of them were in their 30s, married eight to 10 years, with kids, and their husbands weren't paying attention to them. They felt neglected. They didn't feel attractive. Their husbands had become preoccupied with work.

In the beginning, I was scared about having sex with my clients. I was a shy, overweight kid and didn't go to the prom, so I didn't have much confidence at first. Then I got this physique and I discovered that I had this ability to charm women, and I made up for lost time. When I was 17, I put my first ad in a small paper, saying I was looking for clients to train. I had just won Mr. Bodybuilding Teenage New York State, and in my ad I was looking lean and ripped.

The first day a woman called me and said, "Do you really look like this?" She asked what my girlfriend thought of my being a trainer, which I thought was strange. (I now know that when a client starts asking what my girlfriend thinks of my training, she wants to know if I'm available.) She told me she was married, that her husband traveled a lot for work and was never home. She said she found that being so sedentary had made her put on some weight.

The next day I went to her house. I'd spent a lot of my savings and gotten some help from my mom to buy a really nice dark blue warm-up suit and brand-new white Adidas sneakers so I would look like a professional trainer. When the woman opened the door, she was wearing a black negligee. I went home and told my mother and father, and they forbade me to go back. My parents canceled my ad and said, "This will probably be a problem the rest of your life."

It happens all the time now. The wives today feel they have just as much right, and drive, to have a playmate as their husbands do. It's natural to want to have sex with your trainer. Remember that training is very hands-on. I'm touching them, motivating them, encouraging them, listening to them, relieving their stress and channeling their energy in a more positive way. Just as their husbands used to do at the beginning of their marriage. I'm trained to get inside their heads and push the buttons that will motivate them. But I'm also in their heads in other ways. They connect with me emotionally. It's very important for a trainer to be a good listener.

I once had an interior-designer client who was very beautiful. Like every client, she started opening up about her life; women do the same thing with their hairdressers and trainers. "My husband isn't attentive to me, he used to be so passionate," she explained. It was her birthday and her husband had forgotten. I suggested we have lunch, and she said, "How about dinner?" And that's where I went wrong. For a couple of months after that, we would work out, go back to my place and have sex. I would whisper sexy thoughts to her when I was spotting her at the gym. And then it ended. We got caught by the husband. He wound up calling me up and crying like a baby, asking me to stay away from her.

I don't feel bad about having had affairs with married women, because they were feeling neglected and they just wanted to be loved. One woman said to me her husband had never looked into her eyes when they made love. He couldn't have been that smart, because women love the eye contact. I come from a very passionate, Italian family. When I make love to a woman, I like to have spontaneous sex. I like to do it in the elevator, on the beach, underneath the table in the restaurant. I like to make them feel young, mischievous, alive. If they can have a taste of it again, they can realize they haven't lost it.

I'm 47 now, and over the years I've learned to watch out. I realized I couldn't be sleeping with everyone's wife in town. Number one, you start sleeping with them and they want to stop paying, and I make $150 an hour. I was never paid for sex. I would never do it for that. Because for me it would ruin it. I like to make love to please someone. When they say, "I feel like a real woman again," it's the same thing as when I train them and they tell me how terrific they feel because they fit in clothes they haven't worn for 10 years. The high of training is the same high as making love. I've written a screenplay about it all, called "The Trainer." It's "Shampoo" for the 21st century.

That was pretty self-explanatory.

Take care,
Rick

Rick’s right. That is indeed painfully self-explanatory. If you’re not being a good husband, there are others standing in line, or waiting in the wings, or crouched in the bushes waiting to pounce, and once a woman hits a certain level of boredom, she will come unglued with the same lack of inhibition that you feel when you get too aroused to say, “No,” to sex or to stop when she says, “No,” to you.

Make no mistake. This reaction is primal, biological, and has nothing whatsoever to do with love or the lack thereof, and if you’re not giving your wife a reason to enjoy being with you, somebody else is or soon will be giving her a reason to enjoy being with him. Period.

There is no emotion, logic, or “morality” that will interrupt this process once it has started, and if you knowingly allow it to start, you have nobody to blame for it but yourself when it is complete and at best, your wife is confessing and asking you to work things out with her and get your marriage back on track, or at worst, she’s announcing that she’s leaving you for him, and taking everything you own with her as punishment for putting her through the trouble. It doesn't matter who's right, who's wrong, or who or what is at fault; this is what is.

So what do you do to prevent it? Be a man! And be a husband. A real husband, one who makes her feel alive, engaged, challenged, understood, and appreciated, as she tries to make you feel, not some guy who goes to work and sits with a remote control and a beer in front of the television all evening while she tends the kids and spends the rest of the evening in some Internet chat room. Get a clue!

And believe it or not, you’re a lot more likely to need much more than a clue to know what being a man and a husband are really all about. Even if you’re lucky enough to grow up with a good role model, which most of us weren’t because our fathers didn’t grow up with a good role model either, the examples we are barraged with daily – bungling, wussy beta pseudomales who somehow trip over themselves and fall into the arms of success by complete accident if at all – are there in your face constantly to confound and corrupt any legitimate concept you may have. But you still have a chance…

There are a few of us around who have not succumbed to all this wussy crap that’s been shoveled at us since the 1970’s, or have succumbed but learned from our mistakes and awakened from that wussy slumber, who can be that role model for you. A very few of us even have the writing, teaching, and training skills to help. One of us that I know of has even researched what seemed to be the right formula, tested it on hundreds of women and couples, and has made it available for you with little more than a few mouse clicks.

It’s called "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and it’s all that, and more. Go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy and see for yourself. Rick did, as did many others, and now they own their lives; join them.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham