Saturday, February 28, 2009

Understanding Our Emotional Scales: Another Key to a Great Relationship and Marriage

MUST READ: Men’s and Women’s emotional scales are calibrated very differently, and understanding how can literally make the difference in being happy and being divorced.

If you’ve been following me for long, you know how seldom I put the words “MUST READ” in a title or summary, and I promise it will be worth your time to read this time, too.

If I could teach everyone on Earth only one thing above all others to help them get along better, not just in intimate, committed relationships, but in ALL inter-gender relationships, it would be a hard choice between compatibility, our difference in communication skills and protocols, and the difference in the structure of our emotional scales. All are critical to getting along well, and if I had to choose one, I’d feel like I was being asked by King Solomon to cleave and split a child between three mothers, because the three are so indispensable; the absence of any of them spells disaster.

I discuss communication protocols and compatibility frequently, and today I want to focus on these emotional scales. One you your fellow readers contacted me in crisis a few weeks ago and now has his situation under control, thanks mainly to the understanding of these two points. (His attraction skills were already fairly strong and needed only minimal improvement once he realized he had let them slide.) He’s agreed to allow me to share excerpts from our discussions to help explain both the concept and how important it is to any relationship.

Here’s an excerpt from one of his status reports:

“...It quickly rolled into the ‘emotional scale’ speech, which she seemed to really listen to - I think it's starting to sink in, and makes sense to her. Taking it slow has allowed her to process that and buy-in piece by piece. Honestly, David, if that were your sole contribution to the world, you should be famous for it. I'm not sure of its origins, but it's absolutely brilliant. Applies to all men and women, and the only trick to applying it is to understand that each woman has different levels of tolerance and varying coping abilities. I was able to give her an awesome example for evidence - a fight we had years ago - that also included a basic communication problem as well, and one where she's always ‘fought to win,’ [instead of ‘fighting to get what’s right’] and never admitted her role in the thing. Tonight, her silence told me she's seeing it, or admitting it to herself. There were a few instances of her processing those things and allowing that she was partially at fault. Big step for her lately - she used to do it, but hasn't at all lately.”

An excerpt from my response, just for clarity:

“As for the emotional scale thing, that was my own, something I've noticed in working with all these women. I looked for weeks on Google and everywhere else for any mention of it, and never found it. I find it utterly absurd that the psychological community has either missed or ignored it, but the psych community is academian and mostly liberal by nature, and it's been a long time since pointing out any differences in men and women was ‘politically correct.’”

(That’s not a political slam against liberals, just a statistical view of relevant environmental conditions, so if you feel your buttons being pressed, stop; the comment is entirely benign.)

And here’s “the emotional scale speech,” as he called it, a suggestion I made to him for explaining to his wife why she had done some things that she was feeling very guilty for and why he had failed to recognize her problem and do something about it:

"I just read a thing about the difference between how men and women build, process, and prioritize emotions, and it sounded weird at first, but after looking back it makes a lot of sense. Our emotional scales are different, at least with regard to what we need to feel to be comfortable. My emotional scale or range runs from extreme negative to extreme positive, with neutral being in the middle of the scale.

“The female scale or range runs from neutral, or emotionless, to extremely emotionally charged, overwhelmed even, with little to no discrimination between positive and negative emotion. Both of us are most comfortable when we are just slightly 'to the right' of the middle of the scale, me feeling a little positive (too much positive makes a man irrational and silly) and you being just a little more emotionally charged than the center of your emotional range (too much emotion, positive or negative, with no way to vent it overloads you as well.)

“What's really interesting is that we act similar when we are at the same place on our scale. Being bored to you feels the same as being scared or angry feels to me: agitated, desperate, ready to do anything, even if it's wrong, to change the situation, and potentially irrational. We’re both very comfortable just a little to the opposite side of the center of the scale, and at the far right, we get irrational, overwhelmed, and don't know what to do next, and have a strong tendency to do the wrong thing because our inhibitions and discipline go right out the window.

“One of the points it brought out of that is that men are naturally a bit comfortable with emotional neutrality, at least for a short time, while it is downright torturous for a woman. I never realized it was such an issue until I read that, and now that I know, I'll never let a woman be bored in my presence again, because I won't see someone tortured like that."

A couple of weeks have passed since that discussion, and it has apparently really produced understanding, some forgiveness, and cooperation where none was possible before. His last comment follows:

“You've really, really got to get that ‘emotional scale’ idea out there - everyone will steal it, but if you put some marketing behind it, you can retain credit as the source. Maybe there's a visual you could create so it instantly made sense to those who see it.”

That’s quite an accolade, having a reader see something as so important as to want to protect the author’s ownership of a concept that he paid to learn. Think about that for a minute…it would take some pretty significant results to convert a “reader” into a “disciple” in any case, would it not?

By the way, the graphic is pretty easy (comfort zone is at the “+” symbol):




Learn this concept and keep it in the front of your mind at all times. Recognize when the women in your life are bored, and try to do something about it whenever and however it’s appropriate. You’ll find yourself attaining a sort of hero status among them, and triggering a lot of appreciation, cooperation, and nurturing. A coworker will watch your back and try to help you out, a friend will be more attentive and supportive, and your partner will reward you with the relationship of your dreams, as long as you don’t blow it by engaging in wussy, deceitful, or abusive behavior.

How do you do something about it? Sometimes a kind or funny word or two will do it, sometimes a smile, sometimes a surprise or even an adventure. It varies from woman to woman, mood to mood, and setting to setting, and there is no laundry list that will get you through. If you need a rule of thumb that will fit all situations, here it is:

“Attraction is any and every woman's ultimate salvation from boredom.”

There is nothing bad that can come from just being a confident, fun leader at any time and many great things that can come from it, so if you’re doing what you should be doing as a man, no woman will ever be able to be bored while you’re around. But your partner deserves more, right? She’s the one you share everything with, and the one you’re trying to fix things for so you can spend the rest of your life with her. For her, you must learn more about women: what they want, what makes them tick, how to listen to and understand them, how to speak to them, and what flips their attraction switches, among other things.

Are you a guy who likes a single source to fill in a whole lot of gaps? I certainly do; the older I get, the more I try to find ways of simplifying everything. If simplifying your life sounds good to you – and you won’t believe how much having a great relationship with your partner will simplify your life until you actually experience it – then you need to jump over to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and get up to speed, fast and easy, and start clearing some of the relationship clutter, nuisances, and even disasters out of your life.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Friday, February 27, 2009

Can You Do What Works to Fix YOUR Relationship and Marriage? Sure You Can, and It's FUN!

A great example from an average guy of how to turn an uncomfortable situation into an instant attraction builder, the kind of thing that can stop a divorce cold in its tracks.

I hope your week is going well. Mine is going great. I’ve received some truly wonderful success stories over the last few days, and I’d like to share one with you today. These stories always make my day, because they confirm not only that the information in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” will make a positive impact on any relationship in which it is employed, but also that any man can put it to good use and turn his life and relationship around, regardless of history, personality, etc.

Meet Jay:

Hi David,

I just had to tell someone about an incredible response I had from my wife's best friend. This woman has never liked me, she even told my wife not to marry me. I have not told my wife or anyone else that I have your book, but I have been using it to slowly change my attitude back to they way I was before I became "whipped".

Anyway, back to the best friend story. My wife and I were at a community event when she started to tell her friend that we had enrolled in ballroom dance lessons. I was very self-conscious about everyone knowing this. But to shift the attention from me I began to tease her friend and bust on her for not really being able to dance herself. After a few minutes of quick verbal jabs between us, she grabbed my arm and said, "I've never seen this side of you before, you’re a bad boy."

During the entire exchange I had my arm around my wife holding her while she was holding onto me. When we got home we barely got our children to bed before she jumped me right in the kitchen. It was of the most intense sexual encounters of our life. The attraction between us seems to grow stronger every day. I just had to tell someone! I never knew how good I could have it, until I started acting like a man, and not apologize for it.

Thanks,
Jay


Jay’s been married over ten years, and in the last year they were talking about divorce, before Jay read “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” As you can see, he’s not only turned things around on the home front, he’s reaping the benefits of understanding inter-gender communications and attraction all around him. Think about what’s happened in this scenario for a minute…

Jay was uncomfortable about having something private like those dance lessons disclosed publicly, but he knew from reading "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" that women talk about everything and that she may have even been talking about it in front of him to put him on the spot and test his mettle. He knew that jumping down her throat for putting him on the spot was the wrong thing to do because it telegraphs insecurity. He also knew that leadership is attractive and exciting to women and bullying or throwing a tantrum repels them, and he took charge of the conversation and led it in a different direction, using what he knew of creating attraction to not only shift the focus of the discussion, but make it fun and interesting for the women. But that’s not all…

He knew that the approval of his partner’s best friend is a huge benefit in his own relationship because of the reinforcement or damage she can provide with his partner, and he knew that approval-seeking behavior is a great way to instantly become disgusting and repulsive to any woman, so instead of seeking her approval, he did something that left her no choice but to approve: he expressed his approval of her by joking and flirting with her! That could have blown up in his face, but…

With his new understanding of how women think and what they want, he understood that it was critical that while he was flirting with his partner’s best friend that he define the bonds and boundaries in the situation by remaining in physical and visual contact with his wife, which he did by keeping his arm around her waist (and probably frequently looking at her as they laughed together while he picked on her friend). Do you understand what happened here?

In flirting with the best friend and invoking attraction in her, he created an air of “social validation” for his partner. She didn’t just enjoy seeing him acting like a man, she saw that her friend also enjoyed it and saw her involuntary signals as she responded to the attraction he created, heightening her own attraction for him.


The end result? Short-term, a mind-blowing experience in the kitchen that exceeded anything he had known previously, and in the long-term, their bond is now stronger because she is more attracted to him and enjoys him more. As long as Jay continues to just act naturally, based on what he has learned, and just let himself act like the charming, witty leader that he is, his wife’s pleasure in having him around will continue to escalate in a slow, sustainable manner for the rest of their life together.

Something that Jay may not yet realize, but will soon, is that now that he is attracting her friends as well, every time she talks with her friends about him, all these memories she is building of his attractive behavior will wash over her like a flood, and be amplified by the envy of her friends – he now has the help of her entire network of friends to bring her even closer to him.

When Jay first wrote to me, he sounded like about every other guy who writes; he knew there were some shortcomings, knew he needed to fix them, and knew he needed some good information to do so. He got the information, and put it to use instead of sitting around like a wuss saying, “Can I do this?”

Don’t bother asking if you can do it. You can! Take Nike’s lead and “Just do it!” All you need is the same good information that Jay had.

So it’s your choice. Do you sit on the fence or do you finally hop off the fence and step up to the plate? The people who are hopping off the fence are hitting, and you’re up. Your options are to pass the bat, and eventually let your family be broken up and lose half or more of everything you own, or step up, download your copy at
http://www.makingherhappy.com, and swing for the fence, keeping your family together and all that stuff you’ve worked half your life or more to earn and save. Quitters never win, and winners never quit, so go for it, right now, because life’s too short to spend it sitting on the fence watching everybody else enjoy their life.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Is Your Relationship or Marriage Working FOR You or AGAINST You?

There’s only one way to have a great relationship, and that’s to choose one that works for you instead of against you. Do you know how to do it? I’ll show you…

Often I hear people say things like, “I’m just going to stay single because being in a relationship takes too much work,” or, “I’ve never been in a good relationship, and I don’t think I could find one if it jumped up and bit me.” That’s really sad, and so untrue. I’ll tell you why, but first, Meet Leo:

Dear David,

What can I say, but I am completely different person than I was 3 months ago. A friend of mine told me about your book and how it made such a huge difference in her husband that she feels like she is living with a different person. I thought that was great for her but since I was a single man what could I possibly learn from it? Boy I was wrong!

I started reading your book and using the information I was gaining while dating other women and it was fantastic. Learning to be an Alpha Male is not just limited to guys who are married or who are trying to save their marriage, and not all it takes to find and enjoy a great relationship. Using what I learned from your book I started to date women who I could really have a relationship with instead of just being out there playing the hit and miss game.

Defining myself and what I wanted in a partner and a relationship made it easy to find women who I was attracted to and that I could talk with and share my life. Your “be slow to hire, quick to fire” advice and all the tips on reading and communicating with women enabled me to filter out the poor choices and spend more time looking for and enjoying good choices.

It took a few tries, but I have met some of the most wonderful women, and I really think there is one in particular that could go all the way. The feeling we have for each other or real and the attraction is so strong we have a hard time acting our age sometimes, and we can talk for hours and hours without getting bored. That all-important connection is there, and it’s so strong that we feel as if we’ve known each other since childhood, and it’s only been a few weeks.

Thanks for everything!
Leo


Congratulations, Leo, and thanks for writing. I’m glad you’re getting so much out of my book. There really is some work that needs to be done to have a great relationship, but as you’ve learned, it’s not the “walking on eggshells” routine that so many mismatched couples find themselves living with every day. It’s nearly all best performed on the front-end…

Before you can have a great relationship with a woman, you have to know yourself, and you have to know what kind of person you want and can get along with. If the person you want and the person you can get along with well are two different people, then you will have to go through a little self-improvement to be compatible with the person you want to live and enjoy life with.

For instance, if you want someone who will frequently travel to Italy with you on business and/or pleasure trips, it would be good if she spoke Italian, liked Italian food, and liked to travel, and it would also be good if you spoke the language as well so the two of you could remain fluent in between trips. It gives you common ground, something to do together, etc.

By the same token, if you want someone with an athletic build, you may have to take up a genuine interest in personal fitness and get fit yourself to present an image compatible with what such a person wants, because if they are interested in personal fitness, they may also prefer a partner that is committed to good health, will go to the gym or other activity with them, will have a compatible diet and can enjoy the same foods, etc.

You also have to be able to communicate fluently with women to be able to tell whether you really have that compatibility or if you’re sitting across the table from a lonely desperate person who has a bit of acting talent. I’m not at all implying that all lonely women will try to “hook” or “trap” a man any more than I would imply the same about men; some will, some won’t. When people get lonely, they will stretch themselves a bit to try to fit in with other people, and since being around others feels better than being alone, they may also think that this new thing they’ve picked up, whether an activity, attitude, or whatever, that is totally foreign to them is a good thing because it brought them company that they needed, and they try to keep up something that really isn’t them, and over time, they decide it isn’t working for them and the relationship falls apart.

You need to be able to communicate with women well enough that you can spot this early, and be able to communicate it to them in a way that will let you keep things honest and even break it off if necessary without leaving either of you feeling like you’ve been attacked. There’s a big difference between admitting that “your personalities don’t mesh” and trying to admit that “you’re not good enough.”

As I’ve said many times, the rules for creating attraction are somewhat different in the game of attracting new people than in keeping a good relationship alive and exciting, and there are other gurus, like John Alanis
and Shelley McMurtry, who can give you great advice on meeting new people. My focus is on an exciting and enjoyable long-term relationship, which starts with understanding what those kind of relationships are about and being prepared to find one and keep it alive. I’ll show you what to look for, and they’ll show you how to meet women and filter out the bad candidates quickly so you can focus on the better candidates and really check them out well with what I teach you.

That’s where “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” will serve you well. If you’re not in a relationship it will help you be able to find a great one amongst all the people you meet, and if you’re in one, it will help you either make it better or recognize that it can’t go anywhere because of irreconcilable differences and get out, hopefully without starting World War III and bankrupting yourself in the process. No matter where you are with regard to a satisfying long-term committed relationship or marriage, there is high-quality, tested, proven, guaranteed help for you at
http://www.makingherhappy.com. Go get it and get started now, right now, before you do anything else, because life is definitely too short to spend it frustrated, lonely, angry, bored, cheating, and/or celibate, and with this help, you can fix and prevent them all.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Limited International Sales Support Now Available

Good morning!

I received an e-mail from GoDaddy announcing support for international sales. Upon investigation, it only includes Europe, which in this day and age, may technically qualify as "international," but it's certainly a far cry from "world-wide." I called them and pointed out to them that China and India are both larger English-speaking countries than the United States and that Australia and other countries are also predominantly English-speaking yet omitted, and that for those of us in the information business and those seeking information, they are ignoring our needs and the needs of our customers.

They apologized, filled out a feedback form and had me fill one out as well, and also pointed me to GoDaddy's announcement blog where I could leave a personal comment about their shortfall, so I'm doing all that I know is currently possible to get them to open up to support all of you, and will continue to keep pressure on them until your needs are addressed.

In the meantime, I do have customers in countries not directly supported by GoDaddy successfully using my shopping cart by ignoring the state and country fields; the numeric part of the street address and postal code are all that the credit card processors validate, and since all products are downloadable or telephone-based, most of you will be able to use that method successfully. For any who cannot, the old stand-by "Plan B" remains to use PayPal to submit payment independent of the shopping cart, which generates a notification e-mail from PayPal; I or a member of my staff will respond to those notifications as soon as they arrive by e-mailing products to the sender. It's not quite as fast as directly downloading a product, but we are all frequently checking e-mail and it seldom takes more than an hour to fulfill a request.

The world is getting smaller every day thanks to the Internet, and sometime soon technology will catch up with the desire of people to trade in information on a truly global scale. In the meantime, we'll just have to do it the way people have done it since the dawn of communication: by communicating our needs and desires openly and working it out case by case, day by day. Pretty much the way things are worked out in relationships and marriages, huh?

Live well, be well, and have a wonderful day,
David Cunningham

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Use Natural "Guy Drive" to Improve Your Relationship or Marriage

Guys are naturally tinkerers and tweakers, so why don’t we channel that natural energy into tuning up and dialing in our relationships or our marriage?

I thought of this several days ago, and I’ve been stewing over it ever since. There is something that all of us do, one way or another, that is so distinctly masculine that it’s included in any stereotype of men. We just can’t leave well enough alone.

We can buy a perfectly good car, and can’t rest until we’ve customized something or souped it up. We buy a computer, and have to tinker with all the settings to try to squeeze every last ounce of performance out of it, even if it’s already so blazing fast that it’s obscene. We sharpen a knife or tool until it’s sharp, and then keep going until it will shave, and then shave cleanly, and then shave so cleanly that we can’t feel the blade taking the hair off of our forearm. We’ll shoot a 70 at the golf course and spend another thousand dollars on training videos and consultations with a golf pro to shoot a 69 next time. And the list goes on and on…

So why the hell don’t we spend any time or effort trying to “trick out” our relationship or marriage until we’re threatened with losing it??? Does that make even a little sense to you? Frankly, I find it downright embarrassing!

The masculine brain is physically and chemically configured for problem-solving and optimizing, and we’ll flat burn it up trying to squeeze one more mile per gallon or one more tenth of a second in the quarter mile out of our car, or rigging some kind of sharpening jig for a hand tool blade, or a cutting jig to get that line just a little straighter, and we’ll get down on our knees with our ass higher than our head in a public place to check the lay of the ground around the hole we want a golf ball to go into without a second thought, yet we waste this most amazing of all resources on this planet when it comes to getting along with the woman we love!

Gentlemen, that’s just insane! If you’re going to engineer something, or optimize something, make it something that really counts, and something with unlimited potential for payback, like your marriage! This may come as a shock to you, but “optimizing” a relationship or marriage can be more fun and rewarding than any other pursuit you can name! Just imagine a life that’s filled with love, fun, adventure, sex, and laughter, and devoid of eye-rolling, fit-pitching, being screamed at for something that never happened, etc. You want some of that? Yeah, I though so. Indeed, having lived with it, I can tell you with authority that you want all of it you can get.

So I’m going to keep this short today, and issue a challenge to every man alive. Use your greatest natural resource, your brain, and that wonderful thing, whatever it is, that makes us push to make things the absolute best they can be, to bring your relationship and/or marriage up to a level where both of you can enjoy it to the exclusion of all else. Once you have that done, and while maintaining it, turn your energy to your children, and your career, and any other worthwhile pursuit.

Get your priorities straight, take responsibility for the condition of your relationship or marriage, and channel your natural talents and energy where they can do you the most good. Who cares that you golfed a 69 last weekend if while you were doing it your wife was sitting with a bunch of women bitching about how inattentive you are, or worse, holed up in a hotel room somewhere with another man laughing about what a moron you are? It may not be that bad yet, and if you get on the ball right now, it will get better before it has a chance to get that bad.

And I’ll give you a leg up, too, the relationship tweaker’s encyclopedia. It’s called "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and you can download your copy at
http://www.makingherhappy.com/ right now and be getting your relationship or marriage dialed in within just a few minutes. Or you can go play another nine holes or put new plugs in the hot rod while your wife is fantasizing about (or “doing”) the gardener, pool boy, your best friend – get the picture? It’s your call. Make the right one.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Desperation: the Great Destroyer of Lives, Relationships and Marriage

What’s the old saying? “Desperate times call for desperate measures…”? Well, maybe, but the last thing they call for are desperate people making a bigger mess of things. How do you handle trouble in your relationship? Do you act desperate and go out of your way to try to please your partner? That kind of wuss behavior makes things worse, not better!

I got the strangest call from a friend in Phoenix, and I have to share some of the details with you. My friend Jake, a man’s man if ever there was one, called and said he and his wife of 22 years were suddenly having a lot of trouble, and he was scared to death he was going to lose her. I was instantly in shock when I heard this, because I’ve known him since we were at the Air Force Academy together in the early 1980’s, and “fear” is one word I could never put in the same sentence with his name, unless it was to say he had none for anything or anyone.

As an example, Jake and his wife met sky-diving. Her chute failed to open, he saw it, chased her and caught her in the air before opening his own, and they had never met before that other than sharing the ride up to jump altitude. He sort of reminds me of the character “Swoop” in the Wesley Snipes movie “Drop Zone,” just a fearless maniac, and his wife is just like him.

Getting back to the call, Jake’s business had started to slow down, and he had some severe personal catastrophes (simultaneous deaths of both parents and a brother in a car accident, robbery at this house, and his wife nearly car-jacked – didn’t happen because she was armed!) within a very short period of time, and the pressure got to him and understandably “rattled” him a bit. He started sticking a little closer to his wife, and she subconsciously started picking up on wuss signals and losing interest in him after 22 years, which REALLY rattled him, and in a weakened state he wussed completely out and said to her, for the first time in 22 years, “I need you,” instead of “I love you.” You can guess what happened next…

She went ballistic! Now remember, these are two of the most fiercely independent and fearless people I’ve ever met, and I’ve been among the cream of the world’s crop. This started a cycle, the same cycle that always sets in when a “scarcity mentality” (as John Alanis puts it) sets in, a cycle of one partner getting insecure and needier and the other partner rejecting them more because of it, which in turn feeds the insecurity and intensifies the neediness, which amplifies the rejection, etc. Jake became desperate and did what desperate men do in a relationship – he wussed out and made it worse!

Desperation is a state of fear, the strongest of emotions, that borders on terror; you’re still able to act where terror would immobilize you entirely, but you’re completely unable to think and proceeding entirely on emotion. Here’s a big, BIG tip: Real-world problems require real-world solutions. Desperate problems and desperate people still require real-world solutions. When you ignore reality, things don’t get better, they get worse!

Jake knew from 22 years of living with his wife how she would react to him being a wuss, and he did it anyway! He lost sight of reality! Needless to say, when I pointed this out to him, he did the typical alpha male thing and spent a minute kicking his own ass, then said, “I gotta do some serious damage control, and yeah, I know what to do. I’ll call ya in a day or two when the smoke clears,” and hung up. I can hear the conversation that followed with his wife:

“Yeah, dammit, I freaking wussed out because everything came at once and the stress just got to me. I haven’t forgotten who I am and I certainly haven’t forgotten who you are, either. I’m going to apologize for the wuss act, for no other reason than because after 22 years of being married to you, I know that wussing out on you was just plain freaking insulting, and you didn’t deserve it. I talked to Dave (I hate it when he calls me that and I swear I think he does it just to yank my chain!) and he told me I’ve had my head up my ass and he’s right, so it’s over and not going to happen again. Now get over here and gimme me some lovin’, you saucy-looking wench, so I can get back to work.”

Obviously, not everyone would or should handle that situation exactly that way, but that’s Jake and the way he handles things is blunt and head-on, a text-book example of an Alpha Male, and his wife is the same way, at least to the extent that women can be. She’ll know the crisis is past because he’s acting like himself and not seeking her approval anymore, which is what she’s looking for to know that things are back to normal. For them, it took a few seconds to patch things up, as I’m sure he’ll tell me about in a few days when he gets a new handle on business, takes some time to grieve for his lost parents, etc., but for an average couple, it would probably take a few days to a couple of weeks to turn things back around because entering into wuss mode is a pretty serious offense, as is the failure to recognize reality and think before you act.

Speaking of which, I’m going to mention as another example of what desperation can do to you something that happened to one of you. I’m not going to reprint his e-mails because I haven’t asked for his permission to use them, but this is too compelling an example to not use here. He wrote saying his wife had filed for divorce after they had had a wonderful dating period and marriage which suddenly went south when their first child was born because they started behaving differently. He still had the presence of mind to recognize from these newsletters that he had slipped into wuss mode, but failed to notice the significance of several of the details he mentioned in the newsletter.

First, she had filed for divorce, but was telling him that she still cared about him and they still got along well, and had even been out to dinner together alone (without their child). Say it with me, Ladies, loud and clear so the men will hear you: “She testing him and/or trying to provoke him to kick him out of wuss mode!” Also, she said she had just lost her “deep feelings” for him. Ladies??? Yep, ATTRACTION was gone because he was in wuss mode. And the kicker: he said he couldn’t afford a copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage”! Could he then afford the legal fees, alimony, child support, and property settlement coming down the pike from the impending divorce??? The dinner date cost more than the book, and could make every dinner he had with her for the rest of his life something exciting!

I took the better part of a couple of hours to analyze everything he had said and sent him back a list of significant details and indications that had missed, including the above points, and a short time later I saw an e-mail notification from my merchant account company where he had bought the book and a “thank you” letter from him for helping him get his feet back on the ground, and a few hours after that was another e-mail saying he was half-way through the book, was already recognizing some of the signals in their conversations and a lot of his previous wuss behavior, and extremely excited. Seeing a plan start forming and realizing that there is action you can take to make a difference can eliminate feelings of desperation in the blink of an eye, but none of that can happen if you ignore reality and the lessons it holds for you while in a state of fearful desperation.

Don’t let what happened to these couples happen in your home. Learn how to communicate with your partner on a level that neither of you dared dream of, and learn what it takes to continuously and automatically keep her excited, interested, and attracted to you, and she will return your effort many-fold. For us men, it takes some effort, but for the ladies in our lives, it’s automatic – they are biologically wired to take care of us as long as we take care of them.

They still must expend effort and energy to do so, but they don’t have to make a conscious effort to figure out how like we do, and enjoy doing it when given the opportunity. That’s why I chose the name for my web site, makingherhappy.com, because the key to a happy and harmonious relationship really is in making HER happy by keeping that attraction alive and well, being the alpha male that your “Y” chromosome gives you the infrastructure to be, having fun with her being the naughty boy, tripping her triggers so that all those wonderful and entirely automatic responses we love happen.

When you think about it, love, attraction, and an appropriate level of respect, commitment, and responsibility are really all women ask of us in return for all the wonderful nurturing, partnership and intimacy they are prepared to give us, and in that light it doesn’t seem like a lot to ask, does it? Don’t ignore reality. You probably already have everything it takes to knock her socks off except the know-how (you knew how at one time or it happened naturally, else you probably wouldn’t be in a long-term relationship or marriage right now, would you?), and the know-how is in my book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” Go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy right now and make things right, before you find yourself in that desperate downward spiral.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Monday, February 23, 2009

How Honey-Do Lists Affect Your Relationship and Marriage

We all have them. Some of us find them amusing and fun, while others hate them as the bane of their existence, a constant source of stress and a major hurdle to doing anything that they may want to do. Yes, I’m talking about the dreaded “Honey-Do” list. How you handle it has a HUGE impact on your relationship, and it can be good or bad. The good news is it’s YOUR choice, not hers…

I spent almost all of this weekend in my workshop building cabinets, doors, tool storage racks, etc., turning it into a real man cave for a “do-it-yourselfer” like me. In my life, productive work is a person’s greatest virtue, and I love doing anything that helps me to do more or do things more efficiently. Next weekend I may well do the exact same thing, and love every minute of it.

You have a weekend coming up in a few days, too. What are you going to do with it? According to your letters, for many of you Friday is just your last day of rest before another frustrating and laborious weekend spent trying to shorten your “Honey-Do” list.

I want to ask you a really simple and blunt question: WHY???

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself a single question about your honey-do list, let alone all of the pertinent questions? Well brothers, it’s time.

The first question you need to ask yourself is why you have a honey-do list (hereafter referred to as simply “the list”) to start with! To answer that question, we need to consider the various reasons that women construct the list, and then look at what is on YOUR list to verify their intent. Ready?

Some of the reasons women construct this list are logical and productive, others amusing, and still others downright diabolical. Let’s take a look at these.

1. It makes you look and feel important around the house

2. It makes you unavailable to look and feel important around other women

3. It helps distribute the task load so that you each have equal free time

4. It helps distribute the task load so that she has more free time and you have less or none.

5. It gets things done that she is unable to do herself

6. It gets you to do things that she could do herself so that she’s free to have fun while you’re working on the list.

7. It promotes a feeling of cooperation and teamwork

8. It creates an investment in the relationship that you will be reluctant to cash in

9. It makes good use of otherwise idle time

10. It puts her in complete control of your free time and ensures that you won’t be tempted to have any fun of any kind without her, even though she may be having loads of fun without you while you’re working on the list.

11. It’s more affordable for you to do the work instead of hiring it out

12. It frees up money for her to spend on other things that she wants, without regard for what you might want, which will be purchased when she’s out shopping while you’re working on the list.

13. It lets your wife see you acting competently and confidently to get things done.

14. It lets your wife see just how much crap you’ll put up with from her – TESTING!

What’s the first thing you notice about this list? How about that there are an equal number of good and bad reasons for the list and its elements, and that each good reason has a directly opposing bad reason? That means we cannot make snap judgments and say silly stuff like, “My wife would NEVER do that to me,” or “My wife is such a nagging, selfish witch that she’s just making me do everything so she doesn’t have to,” so drop any preconceptions and let’s look at the facts of your relationship through a few other simple questions.

How many of the things on your list are things that:

…your wife is unable to do?

…your wife is unable to help you with?

…you do well and/or enjoy doing?

…you don’t do well and/or despise doing?

…your wife offers to help you with or you will be doing while she is working on something else?

…your wife informs you that you will be doing while she is out shopping or doing something fun?

The answers to those questions will tell the tale. They will also tell you what you need to do about your list!

If there are things on your list that your wife could do, why isn’t she doing them, or helping you to do them?

If there are things on your list that you hate to do or aren’t skilled enough at to do competently and safely, why are they not either being done by your wife or being hired out?

If there are things on your list weekend after weekend that you are doing while she is out having fun, when did you hand over your testicles to her?

Yes, I DID say that. Committed relationships and marriages are partnerships, are they not? That doesn’t mean that you do all the hard stuff while she has all the fun any more than it means that you drink up your paycheck every week and beat the hell out of her to keep her in submission while you spend her paycheck to keep the bills paid. It’s a two-way street, and if you’re not doing your share of traffic control, somebody else in your house is “wearing the pants in the family,” as the saying goes.

So what do you do? That depends on what answers you have to all these questions, but when you have the answers, what you do about it will be self-evident. If your tasks are on your list for the right reasons, have fun with it. Open some negotiations and playfully challenge your wife on her contributions, get her to help you with the items on the list, etc. Tit-for-tat (no pun intended) can be a lot of fun.

If however, your list turns out to be a “massive cargo of bovine fecal matter” (a big load of bulls**t), it’s time to turn the tables. Tell your wife that you’re done spending every free minute you have working on the list while she’s out having a good time, and that she’s going to share responsibilities, to include taking up a part time job to help pay for things that need to be hired out if your financial situation calls for it. If she threatens to leave over it, let her go; either she’s testing (women do a lot of that, remember?) or you just flushed out a spoiled brat or a gold-digger who was taking a free ride at the expense of your life and hard work, and life’s too short to live like that.

Gentlemen, it’s really just this simple: If you are referring to your wife as your “ball and chain,” you’re either married to the wrong woman, you’re allowing her to take advantage of you, or you’re being punished for not stepping up to the leadership position that you are supposed to be filling, whether it’s intentional or not.

These problems are entirely correctable, and only serious cases of incompatibility or skullduggery require divorce to correct them. Most problems, honey-do list and others, require only that you stand up and act like a man, taking a leadership role (not a bullying, controlling role, mind you) in the decision-making, resource allocation, etc., and then inviting, listening intently to, and considering your partner’s input if she has any before finalizing decisions. Can you do that?

Certainly, but maybe not in your present condition. To lead you need to know about leadership, and to lead a woman you need to know about women: how they think and communicate, what they want, need and expect, what turns them on and pisses them off. You got all that under control there, Sparky?

If not, go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and get it under control, quickly and effectively, as have the many before you who have done everything from stopping divorces dead in their tracks to making mediocre relationships the envy of the community.

Who am I to make such a claim? The translator for several hundred women who contributed to the content and have watched their husbands become the man of their dreams. If you’re going to ask for advice, go to the source, somebody who HAD the same problems as you and fixed them, not somebody who HAS the same problems you do and miserable, or worse yet, has never had the problem and has only an opinion as to why you do or what to do about it.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Women's Comments on "Don Juan DeMarco" That Tell You EXACTLY What They Want in Relationships and Marriage

Women respond to my advice for you to watch the movie, “Don Juan DeMarco,” in my St. Valentine’s Day edition, and you should hear – and learn from -- what they have to say!

I received a bunch of comments about the movie, “Don Juan DeMarco,” that I mentioned in
my St. Valentine’s Day edition, and you should read it if you missed it. Some of the guys were saying they really didn’t get it, others complaining that it was a lame movie (it was a chick-flick, and guys, if you want to learn about women, chick-flicks can be a great source of good info), and others saying, “Amen, brother!” because they did as I asked and studied the characters and how they interacted instead of watching for breasts, butts, gunfire, explosions, comedy, loud music and special effects, which is what most guys look for in a movie. However…

What really got my attention were the responses sent in by the women. There was a common thread, and let’s see if you can pick it out. First, meet Tammi:

Dear David,

Whenever my daughter and I have extra time together we like to watch movies together. She is now 16 I find it funny to see how she reacts to some of them. At your suggestion, last night we sat down with our large bowl of popcorn and turned on Don Juan Demarco. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie I was ready to find that man and have my turn with him! As we watched I found myself placing myself in the position of the actress he was with. I have always loved Johnny Depp and that was the original reason I wanted to watch this movie, but as the movie went on I did not even notice him in the movie. All I could think about was how I wish that Don Juan was the man I would be spending the night with.

I also noticed something else going on with my daughter. She had noticed as much of the sexiness of the movie as I did and even at the age of 16 was responding as much as dear old mom, especially to that early scene where he’s holding the woman’s hand in the restaurant and caressing and kissing her fingers and her knuckles are white as she grips the table cloth trying to keep from jumping his bones right there in the restaurant.

If your male readers will watch this movie and to pay close attention they to can have their woman sticking to their seats and just by the soft caresses or the soft kissing of the hand have then upstairs in no time having the time of their lives with their wives or girlfriends.

Tammi


And now, meet Joannne:

Hi David!

GAWD, I hate you! I’m going to be stuck to my couch for the next week after watching that “Don Juan DeMarco” movie you suggested. That first scene was SOOO HOT! I don’t really hate you, but I really didn’t realize what I’ve been missing in a man, and you’ve opened my eyes. I’d give anything to have a man so able to look at life and see the best that could be found like he did. It would be such a joy after living with all the bitching and moaning I live with now. I never really cared for Johnny Depp, but watching him play that character has given me a whole new appreciation for him and for men in general. If a man on the TV screen can make me feel like that, I long to think what a real man can make me feel. Can your book make my husband like this? If so, I want a hundred copies! I still get wet when I think about him kissing her fingers. Damn you! LOL! Just kidding!

Thanks so much for the dream,
Joanne


And this is Devonia:

Dear David:

How did you know something like that could turn me on so much? Was your wife watching the movie with you when you watched it or something? I got so wet watching that scene where Johnny Depp was playing with that woman’s fingers in the restaurant I would have stuck to the chair I was sitting in if it were leather. As it was I left a wet spot on the upholstery. When they showed her white knuckled from grabbing the table cloth I laughed because my knuckles were white were I was gripping the arms of the chair. I’m going to make my husband watch it with me tonight. He’ll see how it affects me and either be really smart and get a clue or be really stupid and ridicule me for getting excited over something on TV, in which case I may just have to start looking for someone who’s a little more attentive, if you know what I mean. In any case, thanks for the thrill!

Devonia

Did you spot the common thread? These women literally got wet watching another man seduce another woman on television! No matter what you may think, women want to be seduced. They want romance. They will live vicariously through others to get it, even on TV, but sooner or later, they want the real thing. They want to enjoy their life, and if they’ve chosen to enter into a committed relationship, they want to enjoy it with him. They want him to take charge and make things happen, to look around and see the good things in the world, especially in them.

If you’ve still not seen this movie, you’re cheating yourself and your partner. Indeed, watch it with her, and when you see her gripping the arm of the couch a little too firmly as he kisses her hand, take her hand and lead her to your bed, or just start something right there on the couch by kissing her fingers and such, then go back and watch the rest of the movie afterward, “snuggled up in the divine afterglow of the pinnacle of passion,” as DeMarco might say… or don't, and don't be surprised when your wife "starts looking for someone a little more attentive," as Devonia says.

For those of you who still don’t get it, women often read romance novels and watch romance movies to get themselves amped up for YOU, especially when you’re not doing a good job of creating attraction and romance and getting them into the kind of mood where they want to seduce you. If you see your wife reading a romance novel in your bed, don’t be an idiot and bitch about the light keeping you awake. Watch for signs of excitement, like darting eyes and elevated breathing, then gently take the book from her as you start making magic!

Guys, this is one small example of the tremendous insight and advice that you will find in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” not just my own, but also that of hundreds of couples who have helped research and test the contents of this book both before and after its writing. Every man alive should read this book if he ever wants to be happy in a long-term relationship with a woman, because no matter how much you think you know, there’s always something valuable that can be learned from the experience of others that can be used to make your life together even better. Indeed, I have multiple unsolicited testimonials declaring that it should be required reading in high school!

Face it, if you already knew everything you wanted and needed to know about getting along and getting it on with women, you’d be writing this newsletter, not reading it, so go for the gusto and become an expert! Go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy right now, because life is just too short to spend it doing anything less than enjoying it, especially if you have a woman in your life!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham