Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Temptation Is All Around, So Don't Push Your Luck If You Value Your Relationship or Marriage

Men often forget that there are just as many temptations laying in wait for women as there are for us. If you let them get bored, they’re vulnerable, so don’t push your luck – or your limits…

I hope you’re having a great week. I’m having a busy one, between counseling/coaching appointments and putting the final touches on some new content for the MakingHerHappy web site, but it’s rewarding to do a good job in helping people through their problems and to close in on goal achievement, so I’m pumped, not complaining.

You may remember
this recent edition in which a woman who left me a note while changing her subscription address saying that she had told her husband she was having a problem with marital boredom and had passed on newsletters for him to read saying that they directly addressed their problem, and he ignored them. It was quite a story, and you should read it if you missed it.

You may also remember this article in which a group of women were so bored they were holding an on-going contest to see who could manipulate their husband into buying the biggest gifts (and I’ve been told that there has been a recent development in that story, where somebody got busted, and I’ll be getting you details of that soon, when the story has unfolded and the lessons are obvious!). If you missed that one, you should catch it, too, because it’s a one-of-a-kind learning opportunity.

I mention these because the woman who left the note about her husband ignoring her prompting has written about
the follow-up article to the contest, another article you should go back and read if you missed it, because it details a bunch of married women getting bored and hustling drinks and collecting phone numbers in a bar in a different contest that ended up putting one of them in the hospital due to a rape and beating, and her marriage and life are now irreparably damaged. Once again, meet “P.”:

Good Grief......here we go again.......

2 weekends ago I spent a weekend away in a big city with an old neighbor of mine (yes...female). We spent 2 nights there. One of the nights we went to a bar and had a blast. Guys buying us drinks, showing interest, and paying attention. I was really enjoying the attention part of it, particularly since the 2 men who asked me to leave with them were 24 and 32 -- more than 10 years younger than me. That's an ego boost. They knew I was married, I had on my ring and was not out to get laid. But I did have fun and enjoyed the company.

I can see how lonely women can get wrapped up in this kind of thing...it was fun! It made me feel good about myself, knowing SOMEONE was interested. Our husbands need to be that someone though. One thought that went through my mind that night was "maybe I should give this guy my cell phone so he can talk to my husband and tell HIM what he wanted to do to me....."

I do think this is dangerous, and could be playing with fire, just like that lady's friend.


She makes an excellent point, in that men often mistake a woman’s expression of having fun as a “green light” that isn’t there, and things get out of hand and she gets hurt. It’s also not uncommon for a woman to go out for a drink with friends and get swept off her feet by some stranger, and in the throes of attraction does things that both she and you will have a hard time living with once she wakes up and realizes what she’s done (or even the thoughts she has while she is resisting the temptation), and there is no amount of blaming and finger-pointing that can fix such a problem.

She also points out that she (and in truth, every woman) wants her husband to be the one she has fun with and who makes her feel pretty, sexy, appreciated, and special. Think about this, guys…

We marry for life, they marry for life. We are afraid of sexually-transmitted diseases, they are afraid of sexually-transmitted diseases. We are afraid of meeting a psycho on a date, they are afraid of meeting a psycho on a date, not to mention being beaten and raped. The majority of us are uncomfortable meeting and trying to date strangers, and so are they, most of them even more than us. When it comes to fidelity, we may not be identical, but we’re a lot more alike than we are different. And something else you need to realize…

Attraction is a biological drive, not a logical one. It’s difficult to mentally override it, and there is a point where it becomes impossible, where a cascade of neurotransmitters in the brain, your brain and her brain, cause inhibition to fail and logic to be faulty, and hence, rational, responsible choice to be impossible and self-validation, no matter how self-destructive the behavior, to become standard operating procedure.

And again, all the finger-pointing and blaming in the world will not fix what happens if either of you get to this point. It is not a matter of morality, but of chemistry.

Whether you think it’s fair, moral, or anything else is irrelevant. The simple fact is that when you’re in a committed relationship, if you expect fidelity you have to do what is necessary to facilitate it. So does she. If you’re bored, it’s because she’s letting you down, and if she’s bored, it’s because you are letting her down. You can argue about that until you’re blue in the face, but it won’t change the simple fact that that’s how the world – and the human mind – works, so you’re only choice is to deal with it or try to survive the aftermath.

Would you care to wager on which choice is easier and has the greatest chance of success? I thought not…

And to those of you who are sitting there saying, “He talks too much about boredom, it’s just not that big a deal,” let me be quite blunt: boredom kills. Do you think for one second that people who do things that significantly endanger their life do so because they really enjoy it? Does the man who jumps out of a perfectly good airplane do so because he knows there’s no chance of parachute failure? Does the guy who drives a minivan or a station wagon as fast as it will go do so because he really needs to get somewhere that fast? Does the social drinker who always ends up drunk and in trouble at parties do so because they like the taste of the booze and like waking up in strange places, or in jail?

No, they do it because they’re bored and looking for something, anything, that will give them even a moment’s relief. Just as the man or woman who gets too little attention at home takes a chance on wrecking their marriage and their life by carrying on an affair. Nobody gets away with it. Even those few who don’t get caught still have to deal with the guilt and the fear of getting caught – psychopaths and sociopaths notwithstanding, of course. (People with no moral compass have no fear of getting caught at anything because whatever they got caught at would be somebody else’s fault by default.) So before you’re too quick to say, “It can’t happen to me,” bear in mind that everybody else who has ever been on either end of an affair “knew” that it couldn’t happen to them, too.

So what do you say? Are you ready to step up and make things better? Or are you going to keep your head in the sand and keep telling yourself that what I’m talking about is something OTHER men and women do, and something OTHER men and women have to deal with. Do you realize that you are implying with such nonsense that neither you nor your wife is human?

You are human, the top of the food chain on this entire planet, and that’s something to aspire to, not apologize for. You’re the top of the food chain because you have the power of volitional choice, the ability to think and make a decision that improves your life, making us the only species of life that continues to develop past the point required for bare survival. We don’t have to wait for evolution to raise our standard of living. We can do it ourselves, simply by making good choices and acting upon them!

And more to the point, you can do it yourself.

So start here. Go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage." Read it, put it to use, and make the success that those before you are enjoying now your own. Then you’ll know, beyond any doubt, that if your wife leaves the house, she’s going to be in a hurry to get back to you, and you’re going to enjoy having her there.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

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