Monday, October 19, 2009

Confessions of Bored Women: Everybody Gets Hurt – Stop It from Killing Your Relationship or Marriage!

A woman writes in response to the contest some ladies were having in a previous issue. As she confesses, it’s not just the men that get hurt when women get bored and out of control.

Well Guys, I thought I was going to be able to leave this topic alone for at least a week or two, but when this letter came in, I knew it couldn’t wait. I’ve seen too much of this myself, and I’m sure many of you have seen it, too because it is so common. However, I have to ask how many people ever stop to consider the underlying cause of this scenario or the ultimate impact until it’s pointed out to them. Meet Ursula:

Dear David,

After reading your newsletter from the woman that told you all about the contest her and her friends used to have, I have one of my own. I never thought I would be sharing this with anyone, but I figured if she was able to open up enough to share maybe I should as well.

I had a group of friends that I liked to go out with and we really got crazy at times. We did not call what we did a contest, but we did place bets at the beginning of each night on who would come out on top.

We would go out at night for a few drinks and in the parking lot we would set the rules of the game. The game was to see who at the end of the night had the most phone numbers of the men we met in the clubs.

We’d pick a bar, club or whatever you want to call it and see who could get the attention of the most men in the short time we spent there. We’d have them buy us drinks and pretend to be interested, but in reality we were only after the phone numbers. Once the number was obtained we no longer had any interest in that man and moved on to the next poor sucker.

I know you may be saying “what a terrible thing to do,” but to us it was just something sort of fun to do. Having anything more than watching the kids and cleaning the house or sitting on the couch while our husbands hogged the remote and channel surfed was an improvement. We had no interest in ever using the phone numbers or ever seeing the men again. They were just a tool in the pursuit of attention, relief from the sheer torment of our boredom, and of course winning the bet for the evening. We never gave out our numbers or even fake ones. We would tell them that if they wanted to see us again we would call them and for the most part it worked.

In the beginning I loved the attention and that just fueled the fire to continue, but it was so wrong. The means by which we obtained their number was up to each woman and sometimes it did get into some pretty heavy sex talk. Making them believe that they were going to get something that never was going to happen was common. Men were waiting for a call that was never going to come and the whole time we were laughing and counting the money or whatever the prize was for the night.

When the evening would end we would all meet up and show all the numbers we had collected, laughing the whole time about how stupid most men were to fall for such a trick. The truth is we were the ones that were pathetic, thinking that no one would be getting hurt, it was just a game, right? Wrong. It was people’s lives we were messing with and no one has that right.

The game finally came to an end when my best friend was beaten and raped in a parking lot by man whom she had played earlier. She’d promised him they’d meet later at her place and he waited in the parking lot to follow her home, and got furious when she said she wasn’t going home. She was in the hospital for three days and still isn’t over the trauma. So it’s not just men who get hurt when we get bored and out of control.

As I look back and to tell the truth, not that long ago we were looking for the attention we were not getting from the one that said he loved us. Some had husbands and some boyfriends, but we all had someone. I do not know if any of the other ladies shared this with their loved one or are still living on the thoughts of what we did, but I did come clean with my husband and we have moved on now.

Our relationship is not yet perfect, but we are working on it every day now, thanks to your book, to make it as perfect as it can be, and after just two weeks it’s like I’m living with a different man. I no longer go out with those friends, and we seldom speak except by phone. Now I spend my time with my husband, thankful for each precious moment we share together. With the attention he gives me now I do not have time or desire for games and it was worth everything to me just to have him back and spending time with me and talking to me instead of hiding at work.

Thanks for the ear,
Ursula


Do you see why this couldn’t wait? I’ve been receiving a few letters from some of you guys expressing negative thoughts about the notion of being responsible for a woman’s boredom, but look at what happened here…

One of these women was beaten and raped in a parking lot. She hasn’t yet gotten over it, and may never get over it, and as long as she’s not over it, her family won’t be either. Now think about this: If your wife was mugged in the parking lot of a mall or grocery store and beaten and raped, you’d want to kill the guy who did it, wouldn’t you? And would you not also be thinking, “If I’d only gone with her, this wouldn’t have happened,” right?

So what makes this other scenario any different? You’d still want to kill the guy, and you’d still be saying, “If I’d been there, it wouldn’t have happened.” We’re just talking about a different kind of “being there,” are we not? Being there mentally and emotionally to keep her from feeling abandoned and bored?

For as long as men have walked on Earth, part of our job is to protect our mate and offspring. And sometimes we have to protect them from themselves. There’s no denying it. Kids and adults alike can do really stupid, desperate, pointless things when they get emotionally charged and don’t think about the possible outcomes of what they are doing, or about to do, and when we take on a family, we take on some level of responsibility for helping them to make good decisions and keeping them out of harm’s way.

Some of you might answer that with, “Well, there’s a point where I should be able to expect them to not need my protection.” To that, I must ask you, if you sent your wife, your daughter, your sister, or your mother out the door ahead of you and followed to find her being raped, would you be so cold as to say, “She shouldn’t have done whatever caused the guy to jump on her” or would you jump in and save her? I rest my case.

Living life isn’t about “what should be.” It’s about “what is.” There’s always room for improvement, but you can’t shirk your responsibilities because the improvements aren’t coming as fast as you would like. If you see room for improvement in your marriage or relationship, you have a responsibility to yourself and your partner to make it happen.

If they fail to meet their responsibility, you lead by example in meeting yours and demand that they meet theirs as you have done, and if they still fail, they aren’t worth your time and effort, and you “fire” them, just as swiftly and surely as an employee you catch stealing from you; indeed, such a person would be stealing from you, stealing your life!

I can’t make it any plainer for you, Gentlemen. We’re not the police, and we don’t exist solely to serve and protect, but protection is a part of the job of being a man, a husband, a father, and a friend, whether it’s from a thug or herself, from his fist or her own boredom. (And if you hit that extreme point where “doing your job” as husband makes you miserable, you do have a responsibility to yourself to look at the option of changing “employers,” if you know what I mean.) So is being able to conduct a conversation that actually solves problems instead of just initiates conflict and competition. So is knowing as much about the women in your house as you know about yourself, in terms of needs, feelings, and so forth.

And so is just standing up and being a man, and enjoying it. If you do it well, it’s a job that pays off better than anything you can imagine, especially in terms of benefits! ;-)

So are you ready to do a better job of being a man, and get “paid” for it? I’ll make it easy for you. Just go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and see what I mean. Everybody who is using it is getting results, and so will you. After all, you’re a smart guy, right?

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

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