Thursday, August 06, 2009

Speaking of Alpha Buffoons, How Do You Handle Them? Keeping Respect and Attraction Intact in Relationships and Marriage

I told you not to be the “alpha buffoon” yesterday, but we didn’t talk about what to do when you meet one. Failure to handle him properly can cost you dearly in terms of how your wife or girlfriend sees you, no matter how “alpha” you may be yourself.

Before I get into today’s lesson, I want to note that we are slowly but surely winning the war against male wussitude at the grass roots level. While Hollywood and others seem hell-bent on turning us all into bumbling, sniveling, beta males and worse, there are those among the masses who are noticing that this is the wrong way to go and are joining in the fight. Please take a minute to read the following article by David Von Drehle of Time Magazine, entitled “The Boys Are All Right.” It is compelling, encouraging, enlightening, and for most, entertaining as well.


To get into our lesson today, I received a letter that we need to take a good look at together. One my top guys, Dee, wrote me about an encounter with an alpha buffoon, and he learned a lesson after the encounter that he wanted to share with all of you. (I so love it when my students become teachers! That’s when I know that the lessons have really hit home and they “own” the material.) Check it out:

Hello David,

I want to tell you something I found out only two days ago that was making withdrawals from the "attraction bank." Perhaps some of your readers can benefit from my experience.

There is a man (let's call him Bill), that works for the same company as my wife and I, who is, let’s say an alpha buffoon.

A few days ago we happened to be in the office at the same time he was. There was a box a pecans which looked to be “wild” as I called them, which to me meant not from trees which are trained, pruned, etc.

He couldn't resist telling me there is no such thing as wild, only native or paper shell and proceeded to tell my wife she was married to me (like she’d made a bad decision). I popped off a few comments to him which were so far over his head he didn't even know they were insults.

Later one of the secretaries’ son was in and had been swapping punches with kids at school. For the fun of it I told the boy to go ahead and let me see what he had. I wouldn't hit him back.

Well, Bill heard and couldn't resist, said he "wanted in on it" when I told him “Let's go,” he backs out.

Bill then starts a long monologue how it's been too long since he hit someone without trying to hurt them that he better not. He bounced for so long and had been around so many top martial artists who taught him so much.

Although it was all I could do to keep from laughing in his face, I let him ramble and basically say in all his actions that I was a moron who knew nothing. No one but my wife knows that I used to be an instructor of martial arts years ago, and I prefer to keep it that way. I don't brag about it.

NEVER EVER EVER let any one put you down in front of your wife no matter what.

Here's why.

When we left my wife acted like she was mad at me. Wouldn't hardly talk. (Sometimes I'm a little hard-headed and my mind has been focused on business I am trying to start)

When asked, she said no, she was not mad at me. Finally, after much silence I told her to tell me. "I WISH, SOMETIMES, YOU TWO WOULD JUST FIGHT AND GET IT OVER WITH! I'M TIRED OF THE MACHO BULLS**T. You’re always at each others throats."

My response was “What did I do?”

"You didn't do anything," she said.

(I was still not using my head yet.) And asked, “Then what is the problem? I never attacked him, he started it, I ignored it, so what did I do?”

She said that whenever he popped off "well you’re the one married to him" that she just wanted to rip him to shreds, and it was all she could do to keep her mouth shut.

David, let me tell you, it sank in then.

"Do you know why he was always that way," I asked?

"Yes, because he is afraid of you, but you eat it up, you just have such an air of confidence that people either want to be like you, or are intimidated and afraid of you," she said.

That helped her calm a little and seemed to make her feel better.

As much as I hate to I guess I am going to have to put a stop to it. With his kind usually physical is the only way to go. The bad thing, he is the owner’s nephew.

If I had told him I was at one time a teacher of self defense, it would have only shown him how pitiful he was and made it worse, for it would have shown him he was not the expert he thought he was. He would have looked the fool.

He is one of those who always know more than anyone else about everything no matter what.

I told my wife these things, and also why I refuse to let things get physical with people. All this has helped with the damage a little.

The point is, even if a woman knows some one is a buffoon she expects her man to be able to handle it in a quick, efficient manner. NOT TO IGNORE IT as has always been my custom, no matter if you don't want to waste your time and energy with such nuts.

Watch yourself around men like this if your wife is with you don't let them "seem" to be getting the upper hand.

You will be losing many attraction points.

Maybe you can use this lesson learned by me to help some one else.

Sincerely,
Dee


Dee wrote back in response to some advice I gave him about how to put a stop to it without getting physical (which I’ll get to in a minute):

Lessons learned:

It would not have bothered my wife so much, I do not believe, if there had been no one else around.

I should have put a stop to it. I allowed the protective or motherly instinct to kick in which was a no-no.

Plus, I allowed someone to seem to get the better of me. I realize it embarrassed her as there were others around.

My confidence is enough it did not bother me. As much as I hate to waste my time and energy on some one such as he, I now realize it is imperative to handle such situations quickly, not to ignore people such as he. Especially in the presence of my wife.

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. I will use that or something similar. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Dee


Those are some pretty powerful lessons, are they not? And what pleases me the most is that now that Dee’s eyes are open, he’s able to spot these things without having to be prompted – or punished by his wife! Thanks to Dee for sharing all of this, too!

The advice he thanked me for was something I picked up back in my corporate consulting days. Diffusing situations is a matter of leadership, which, by the way is an attraction-builder.

This “Bill” character is not in the chain of command, so there’s no apparent risk to anybody’s job by stomping on him a little bit. The advice was to take him aside next time he started this nonsense (by telling him, “Let’s talk over here for a minute,” instead of asking, “Can I talk to you a minute?” which establishes him as the “big dog”) and adopting a tone that is somewhere between friendly and fatherly and saying something like:

“Do you realize that you may be the only person in this company who doesn’t know that what you were doing over there is approval-seeking behavior and instead of making you look like an expert, makes you look like an ass? If you want these people’s respect, show them some. Just be yourself, and when you talk with them, ask about them, their families, and the things that interest them. They don’t care what you know or think you know about something until they ask you.

“The more you know about them, the more you’ll find that you enjoy talking with them, and the more they’ll like about you and the less you’ll embarrass yourself. For instance, I was a martial arts instructor for a lot of years, and I know you wouldn’t have said a whole lot of things you said to try to impress me about being a bouncer if you had known that. Now just lighten up and enjoy everybody’s company and you’ll see them start enjoying yours.”


That’s how you take a guy off at the knees and make him thank you for it. But the simple act of cutting his tirade short and pulling him aside shows your partner that you can take the lead and fix the problem in that situation just as well as any other, and makes her proud to be there with you instead of embarrassed because you let the buffoon get away with boring and insulting her. It doesn’t take “fisticuffs,” as they used to say, but it does take action, and action is all she needs to see.

So now the question of what to do when you meet up with the alpha buffoon has been answered, but there’s a bigger question here for you: do you want to continue to wait for these lessons to come trickling in through this newsletter or my blog posts, or do you want to grab the bull by the horns and bring yourself up to speed and be able to spot things like this yourself?

When you know what you need to know about women and how to communicate with them, it’s really pretty easy. In spite of what we were all taught growing up about how impossible a task that’s supposed to be, that knowledge does exist, has been compiled for you, and wonder of wonders, it’s easy to learn and use.

Indeed, we’re not talking about some grueling academic exercise requiring that you rearrange your schedule, take classes, and conduct all manner of experiments that stand a good chance of royally pissing off your partner. Just a few hours of light, entertaining reading and thinking.

Desperate for help? Intrigued? Or think I’m full of crap? Put it to the test!
Download your copy of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and see for yourself. But a word of advice: don’t bet against success. There’s a very good reason why these men and women write me these letters and all those testimonials on my web site… ;-)

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

No comments: