Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Long and Short of Saving Your Relationship and Marriage

One of my readers is a research hound, a very skilled one, and he’s gathered proof that what I’ve been telling you folks is true and accurate on a global scale. There’s much here to learn and use in what he’s dug up, so tune in and turn on!

I hope you’re having a great day! I sure am. I am yet again reminded of how sharp my readers are. Many of you will remember “Rick,” one of my more avid and astute readers and contributors.

Rick read my book and turned himself around a couple of years ago, and has since been on a crusade to help other men discover that what I teach works, especially that being a man, and indeed human, may not be popular or politically correct, but it is nonetheless something to which one should aspire, not apologize for, and that relationships worth saving can be saved if we will but spend a little effort to be what we were born to be instead of what certain sorry elements of society would have us be. Prepare to have your mind expanded and filled (I’ll be injecting some parenthetical commentary:

Hey David,

Reading that email
[The July 24 edition speaking about women and affairs in the real world] brought back some fond memories. It also inspired me to email you and show you how much things have evolved on this topic.

As you're probably aware, I'm an avid researcher, like yourself. I've found more evidence to support that what you tell your readers hits the bullseye for accuracy.

Look - over 50% of women surveyed have confessed to having submissive fantasies. Why do you think Anne Rice novels are so popular? Or why so many women wear clothing that hints at a BDSM lifestyle? Many women fantasize about these things but have never found someone to help them live the fantasy. If you become that man, you become her living dream! It is what it is.


Women LOVE being led by a man with the confidence to lead! And the lifestyle Rick mentions is not about perversion, control, and demeaning behavior; it’s about leadership and trust. Ask some of the participants and they will tell you the same thing they’ve told me. While it may seem extreme and even “sick” to the uninitiated, there is a thrill in being led through a potentially intense and dangerous situation finding time and again that you can trust your partner to lead without being abusive. And for you skeptics, no, I don’t participate; it’s “not my bag” as they say. I’m simply reporting what the participants have said, so I’m not defending my own predilections here.

With regards to romance novels, here's the best way I explain it to men so they understand: Romance novels are to women what adult videos are to men. Again statistics bear this out. 95% of all romance novels sold are purchased by women, and 95% of all adult videos sold are purchased by men.

It’s interesting that sales of both romance novels and adult videos tend to increase at the same time and at the same rate as the economy slows; men and women both turn to their preferred flavor of fantasy to relieve tension. I strongly recommend to men that they read a popular romance novel or two to help understand what gives women the rush of attraction, even if they have to enlist the help of a female friend to help them understand the important parts.

The following are examples that some women really do have these thoughts running in their heads:

"Mary", 26 year old wife and mother of 2: Mary's husband was a typical, boring man, which is a poor match for a woman with an incredible sexual imagination. Mary got online and started searching for a "Master", someone that would control her mind, body, and soul. She finally found one - and this "Master" told her when, where, and how she was allowed to have sex with her own husband! The husband eventually filed for divorce, but was humiliated for months before finally waking up.

As I’ve told you many, MANY times, Gentlemen, stand up, take the lead in your household, and make sure that your wife has no reason to be bored, or someone else will! It’s as sure as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west, biological, not logical.

"Amy", 19 years old: Amy was a fresh young girl that was into older men. Through some local searching she found one - a 51-year old that she has wild times with! This older man is now enjoying some teenage lovin', all because he knew how to trigger and sustain her attraction to him. As a side note, when Heidi Fleiss was 19, she had a fling with a 61 year old man, so these encounters are NOT uncommon!

In case you’re not familiar, Heidi Lynne Fleiss, born December 30, 1965 and known as the "Hollywood Madam", is a former American madam. She was convicted in connection with her prostitution ring with charges including pandering and tax evasion. Her ring had numerous famous and wealthy clients. She was sentenced to 37 months in prison for tax evasion -- pandering charges were dropped -- but served just 21. Her original three-year sentence prompted wide outrage at her harsh punishment, while her customers had not been punished.

I have a great many reader letters and have read excerpts from letters in other authors’ newsletters bearing this out: Attraction is seldom bound by age, looks – other than the appearance of self-respect – wealth, or anything else that men have mistakenly thought came to bear on their attractiveness, whether to new dates, their girlfriends, or wives.

"Paula", 35 years old: Years of suppressing fantasies of submission led Paula to really go wild when she finally started acting on these thoughts - she enjoyed being used by several men at once. Not what you would expect from a highly-paid executive with a husband and child at home.

Are you listening? A highly-paid executive with a family, risking losing it all, not because she is immoral, but because she denied her own needs and desires too long and was finally overwhelmed by them after she entered circumstances at home and at work where her whole world was at risk. Don’t wait for your wife to try to tell you about her secret wishes and wants, ask her about them, and listen carefully. Try to oblige them, too, because if you don’t, somebody else may end up doing it for you, especially if they find out about them before you do!

Now I realize these examples are on the extreme side, but it was necessary to share them so that men can realize what can happen to them if they don't make the effort to maintain their relationship or marriage. In the cases of the two married women, they're the results of boredom unchecked by an inattentive husband who wasn't flipping his wife's attraction triggers.

And based on what I’ve been told by readers, their wives, and women who have responded to surveys, these examples are not so extreme. Indeed, they’re almost common, and the circumstances that give rise to them are entirely common. They only seem extreme because nobody talks about them. Fantasies always seem to be the 800-pound gorilla in the room; everyone knows they’re there, and that they are dangerous if not attended, but wants to pretend they’re not there in the hope that something will happen to relieve them of having to deal with them. Make sure that you protect your relationship, marriage, and family from these conditions at all costs!

The solution is what you said in that email:

“Be a man! And be a husband. A real husband, one who makes her feel alive, engaged, challenged, understood, and appreciated, as she tries to make you feel, not some guy who goes to work and sits with a remote control and a beer in front of the television all evening while she tends the kids and spends the rest of the evening in some Internet chat room. Get a clue!”

A direct quote from that same newsletter. According to letters from women, the advice of “making her feel alive, engaged, challenged, understood, and appreciated” were the most commonly occurring women’s needs that went unmet. The reference to the channel surfing couch potato whose wife spends her time with kids and Internet interlopers in chat rooms was taken directly from those same letters from women as a huge mistake men make that leave women feeling ignored, unappreciated, bored, and somewhere between vulnerable to and overwhelmingly desirous of an affair.

Otherwise the future is grim. A study in the 1980's revealed that 90% of the relationships were ended by women. Currently, almost three quarters of all divorces in the US are filed by women.

Yikes! Do we – the women and I -- have your attention now?

Gentlemen the choice is yours, make the right one.

Hope you're well,
Rick.

Thank you Rick, as always. Seeing guys like you take this stuff and run with it like this is what keeps me going sometimes.

Gents, I don’t know what else to say here. Some of you are in or just out of relationships and marriages that you never should have entered, and entered because you thought need, attraction, or lust was love. You need to get out, and learn what a good woman and good relationship looks like before you try again.

The rest of you are in good relationships and marriages, but while your compatibility has remained intact, attraction is waning, she’s getting bored, and your inter-gender communications skills are too poor to be able to figure out what’s going on and fix it. What’s interesting, and indeed, ironic, is that you need the exact same things that the other group of guys need.

All of you need to shrug off all of the crap you’ve been fed for the last 20-40 years and get back to being a real man. A man who leads, who creates and knows his own value, who understands and communicates well with women, who entertains himself and others with competence and authority, not as a court jester, but a man, a mentor, a hero and adventurer, a flirt, a prankster, and a respected figure in his social circle, no matter where on the ladder that happens to be. In short, a guy who enjoys being a guy instead of hiding from his desires and apologizing for them when they surface.

For that, you need to know what it really means to be a man. You need to know the one and only way to build genuine self-esteem so that you have the confidence to be a man and a leader, especially in the presence of women. You need to know how women communicate, and try to match their methods and protocols while you help them to understand the much more basic and direct male methods. And you need to know how to evaluate the relationships in your life, all of them, but especially those with the people close to you, so that you can encourage the good ones and terminate the bad ones that suck the life out of you instead of enriching your life.

And all of that, and more, is contained in the pages of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," which you can download at
http://www.makingherhappy.com with little more than a few mouse-clicks. You now have the choice to continue screwing up or to know that which not even Sigmund Freud, the renowned psychologist, knew when he said, “The Great Question, which I have not been able to answer, is ‘What does a woman want?’”

As Rick said, make the right choice. And make it now, while you still have time to fix your problems the easy way; it gets much harder as time goes on.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

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