Monday, July 20, 2009

A Funny Example of How Women Negotiate: Good Communications in Relationships and Marriage

A brilliant and very funny example of how women attempt to negotiate what they want instead of just saying it outright.

In several editions of this newsletter and in my free report, “Break-Up Busting 101,” I gave you a two-page excerpt from “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” that gave an example of an extreme difference in the way men and women converse, entitled “Men State, Women Negotiate.”

If you have read it, you will recall a rather lengthy and detailed description of what ensues when a woman asks a man, “Are you hungry?” (If you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor and go back and do it now, because it’s one of the most important bits of information you will ever see in print about understanding women.) This morning, I got the following joke from Mari-Jo Tyler, a sex-therapist, dating guru, comedienne and professional acquaintance in Austin, Texas ( – tell her I said “Hi!”), sent in by one of her readers:

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Via’gra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "It’s the pills, I’m tellin’ ya," he says, "they really trash my desire for food.

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

As you can see, when a woman asks you a question, she’s often not seeking information; she’s giving it to you, or seeking a channel through which to give it to you. This woman isn’t asking if the man is hungry so much as telling him that she is, and you’ll see that a lot in your day-to-day interaction with your partner.

Refer to the aforementioned book excerpt for the detailed explanation of how all this works, but due to the advanced level of communication skills almost all women are “wired” for, and their highly social nature (also hard-wired into the vast majority of them), they don’t just blurt out a statement of what they want the way we do, they ask a question to open a negotiation forum in which they can discuss having their need fulfilled. You’ll often find that questions are statements and statements are questions when they come from a woman.

Gentlemen, you REALLY need to understand this if you want to get along well with your female partner. You’ll find that the few women who are aware that we don’t understand because of biological differences don’t expect us to come all the way up to their level because we don’t have the necessary “receptors” to pick up on all the body language and other signals they use, and they do greatly appreciate it when we work to try to develop a better understanding of how things work and recognize basic differences like this so we can work better with them.

You’ll also find that those who have no idea that we really communicate differently (and there are many!) will be thrilled when they see you starting to “tune in” and “get it,” because they’ve been thinking all along that you’ve been insensitive and ignoring them because you don’t care! You’ll see how your newly developed understanding and skill reduce their stress level, which in turn, as you hopefully know by now, ultimately reduces YOURS!

Speaking of stress, it may not be obvious to you that while having an argument or any other kind of stressful discussion, people tend to revert to their natural behavior; any learned behavior becomes obscured as the energy to keep employed learned behavior is diverted to handle the stress. When a woman is agitated, her communications style will become more and more feminine, even if she has recognized your differences and tries to be more blunt with you, and any ability to interpret her when under stress that you might develop could help you to diffuse her agitation and get her back down to a level where rational problem-solving is possible. That alone would be worth the effort: DRAMA-FREE problem resolution!

Making her happy is truly the path to ensuring your own happiness in a relationship, and what you need to know to do a supreme job of it is in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” Refer back to that excerpt in the free report mentioned above, see the level of detail and the quality of information – show it to any woman you know and she’ll verify it for you because a large group of women was involved in writing it! – and then go to and download your copy so you can start making you both happy today!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

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