Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A Reader's Concerns About Lie Detection Spoiling His Relationship and Marriage

A reader questions whether I may be over-emphasizing lie detection in relationship evaluation and improvement efforts. Not at all. Read and see why…

Have you ever met a true optimist? Somebody so intent on seeing the positive that they refuse to see the negative even when it’s there? I got a letter from one today that brings up an interesting point. Meet Karl:

Hello David,

I read your article about lie detection techniques a few days ago and it’s been on my mind frequently ever since. I’m a trusting person by nature, and while I’ve been hurt several times by people who have lied to me, I still prefer to try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I just can’t live my life going from minute to minute being paranoid about whether everyone is lying to me. If I did, I would surely lose my mind.


(Karl is referring to the article on Lie Detection in my free 45-page “Break-Up Busting 101” report, which you can download
along with my free 50-page “What Women REALLY Want" report. Both are streamlined and printer-friendly in PDF format, and feel free to share both of them with your friends!)

My reply:

Me too, Karl. But because I know how to tell with near-100% accuracy when someone is telling me a lie, I also know how to tell with near-100% accuracy when someone is telling me the truth! Hence, I’m never paranoid or even concerned about whether anyone is lying to me.

If you know and practice lie detection, it becomes second-nature, very automatic. Lie detection is also, by definition, truth detection, as one cannot exist except in contrast to the other; there is no state in between “true” and “not true,” although some politicians would love to have you believe otherwise. Can you see the very positive ramifications of this?

If you’re feeling a bit stressed about how things are going at work, and someone says to you, “Well, I know you’ll pull through,” what do you do? Most of the time, nothing, because you don’t know if that person is just being polite, really has that much confidence in you, or knows something bad is about to happen and wants to see you fall on your face or doesn’t feel comfortable sharing it with you. But…

If you are a competent lie detector, and hence a competent truth detector, you can take their statement as a vote of confidence or as a sign that they know something you don’t and that things are going to work out. If you knew that they were lying, you’ve identified either an enemy or somebody who knows what your enemy knows.

What about at home, where the stakes are even higher? Forget the petty suspicions about infidelity for a minute and let’s focus on common, every day practical issues, like you’re unsure that what you are wearing is attractive or appropriate and you ask for your partner’s input. If they say you look nice and you can tell they are telling the truth, it helps your self-image and makes you more confident, which in turn makes you more fun and attractive. If you detect that they don’t like it and they are lying to try to protect your feelings, you can try something else instead of continuing to be guarded and uncomfortable for the remainder of the evening, constantly wondering if everyone who sees you is mentally laughing at your bad taste.

There is absolutely no downside to being able to know when anyone is telling you the truth or a lie, and the upside is virtually boundless, especially if you look at the more positive aspects of acting with more confidence when you know that you can act upon what others tell you.

Take care, and keep in touch,

Trust, confidence and accurate communication are indescribably critical to a long-lasting, fun and exciting relationship – indeed, ANY relationship of any kind. Without them, you can continue on auto-pilot for awhile, pretty much as long as the attraction or the novelty hold out, but if you don’t know how attraction is made or destroyed, you can bet you’ll end up inadvertently destroying it, and then you’re in a pickle to say the least – no fun, lots of trouble, and insufficient communications skills to discuss everything and work out a happy ending.

They’re also critical to getting out of a bad relationship with your dignity and at least a fair share of your accumulated wealth intact. Yes, it is possible to trust someone you’re splitting up with, if your communications skills and lie (truth) detection skills are such that you can come to an agreement about leaving a bad relationship instead of making someone feel crappy about it and want to punish you for it. So no matter what you do, what relationships you have, or what relationships you need to end, you need to develop these skills.

And, there’s great news! In my book, "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," you will learn all of that and more. There’s no need for your relationship to ever fall into crisis due to boredom, lack of attraction, poor communications, or fights that never seem to accomplish anything except driving you farther apart. Get over to and get what you need to get your relationship on track and then kick it up to notches previously unknown, because fighting for your relationship is infinitely more rewarding than fighting over your relationship!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

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