Thursday, March 26, 2009

Knowing a Woman's Heart: The Man Who Does It Can Have the Greatest of Relationships and Marriage!

A female reader wants to know if I’m really a man because I can “speak from a woman’s heart.” So can you, if you learn what you need to know about women to live happily with them.

I had a wonderful surprise in my Inbox this morning, a letter from one of the female readers who motivated me to explain some things to the men in a way that I hope will help them finally wake up and see just how difficult it can be to try to live with a woman when you’re unprepared, no matter how much you love each other, and how that little bit of preparation can make the difference between a rocky road and a perpetual honeymoon. Meet Irene:

Dear David,

Thanks for talking from women's heart! Are you not a MAN? I mean what’s the difference between you and other men that they don’t even think, see or know these things!?!?! I envy your wife!!! Thanks for the good things you write, and hope men can learn!


My reply:

Hi Irene,

Yes, I'm a man, but I've had the help of a lot of women in learning about women, including what they want, how they communicate, and how to make life fun and exciting for them. I think the biggest lessons I've ever learned were two things about women: The first is that they abhor boredom more than about anything on the planet (it truly threatens their life and sanity,) and that they want their man to be the kind of man who can protect them from that boredom for the long haul. The second is that affairs are a weapon of last resort in that battle.

The next hardest lesson I had to learn was that attraction and love are totally separate and independent emotions (See my free “Break-Up Busting 101” report for an excerpt from my book that explains all of the relationship emotions), that women can love their husbands to the exclusion of all else and still be driven to engage in an affair if he doesn't keep her from getting bored, and that in a woman's life, a man's primary function is not to give her children, protect her from the outside world, provide for her every need, or any of the common myths that have developed over the centuries. It is to protect her from her primary enemy, boredom, the thing above all others that threatens her life and well-being by screwing up her body chemistry to the point that she is nearly incapable of making good decisions due to the level of desperation it creates within her.

I say these lessons were hard to learn, but I must clarify. They were not difficult to uncover; that only took trying to talk to women about what they liked and disliked in their lives. They were hard to learn because they were hard to accept in the face of a lifetime of being programmed by media and tradition with erroneous ideas. Another huge lesson: when you want to know something, go to the source, or at least a bona fide spokesman for the source (like me!).

The most difficult lesson to uncover was the difference in our communications methods and the mechanics behind them. There have been volumes upon volumes written on the subject, and even with a strong background (including post-graduate work) in psychology, I had a hard time understanding most of it, because it was mostly theory that proved inconsistent with the real world. Again, the information finally came from asking a large number of women (188 women including 118 that were coupled with men in the research group plus family and friends before the first release of the book, and many more since) who were motivated to get involved a lot of very direct questions about things they said, why they said them, the emotions behind things they said, and the motivations for saying things, like the female tendency to tell a friend what they think they want to hear instead of the truth when they are upset, and why they ask questions to make statements and why they made statements to ask questions.

In the end, we "broke the code," and found that men and women can communicate accurately and effectively the first time around if we fully understand each other's tendencies and the brain structure that makes those tendencies automatic and therefore predictable. Indeed, the women also learned something that shocked them that men really aren't as mean and insensitive as they thought, and that in fact we just didn't understand what we were being told and were all too happy to try to cooperate and get along better. They really thought that men and women communicate the same way, and finding out that men speak predominately to report while women speak predominately to negotiate was one of the biggest revelations that the group members had.

So there you have it, the difference between me and other men is not that I’m secretly a woman, but that I have learned what I need to know about women FROM WOMEN, I tested it all by using it in my own life and teaching their husbands what they taught me, and I don't make apologies for being a man. I'm glad you asked, because from time to time I find myself forgetting how hard it was to put aside what I thought I knew, go to the source, and accept what those women had to say, regardless of whether it initially made sense or made life easier for me.

It helps me to remember from time to time that after spending several decades following what I had been taught by friends, family, media and tradition, it was very difficult at times to break those chains and accept reality, possibly as hard as it was for people to initially accept that the Earth revolved around the Sun and that it was spherical and one could sail in one direction and eventually come back to his origin without dropping off the edge of the Earth and falling into the mouth of a monster. Men were burned alive as heretics at first for trying to tell those truths because everybody “knew” they were wrong, heretical, and inherently dangerous. Have you stopped to examine what you “know” lately?

Take care,

Gentlemen, there you have it. "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" is filled with lessons hard-earned but well-learned, and is put together in such a way as to not only teach you all those things you need to know about women, but to help you teach your partner what she needs to know about you. It’s a seminar in book form, one in which you can both grow together to make your relationship more than you ever dared dream it could be, full of life, happiness, fun, love, and yes, intimacy and sex. Go to and download your copy today, right now, before you do another thing, because your life – and your life together – deserves better than fumbling around from day to day trying to reinvent the wheel or following time-honored but totally absurd traditions and just plain bad advice from people whose motives are questionable at best.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

No comments: