Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Know the Right Time and Place for Naughty Play to Have a Great Relationship and Marriage

There are times and places for the naughty play that gets a woman into that excited state that eventually leads to sex, and there is are times and places where it’s counter-productive to say the least. You’d best learn them if you want to create attraction instead of killing it.

There are two very old sayings that a man needs to keep in mind when creating attraction for the woman he loves, or any woman for that matter: “Moderation is the key to all things,” and that old real estate and business charm, “Location, location, location.” Meet Thad:

Hello David,

I’ve been reading your newsletter for awhile, and I’ve picked up on what you say about building sexual tension throughout the day with doing naughty things and picking at her, and sometimes it makes her look at me like I’m dinner and other times she gets mad and won’t talk to me until the next day. Like a few days ago, she was standing in the kitchen and I snuck up behind her and made a slightly lewd remark about her getting my dinner ready or I was going to have her behind, and gave her a playful spank to reinforce the sexuality of the comment, and she grinned and picked right back at me with something to the effect of if I messed with her I wouldn’t get any dinner because I’d be doing her in the kitchen.

But today I picked her up for lunch and she wanted to go to a fast food place because she was in a hurry, and we were standing in line about to order and she asked if I knew what I wanted. I squeezed her butt and said, “Yeah, some more of this,” and she gave me a drop dead look, walked out of the place, and jumped in a cab. I tried calling her twice at work and she wouldn’t take my calls, and when she came home I asked what was wrong, and she said if she had to tell me we had a bigger problem than she was willing to continue to live with, and would be leaving, so I’d better be figuring it out. I’m lost. Do you have any idea what I did to tick her off and what I can do to fix it?

Thanks in advance,


My reply:

Well, Thad, I can tell you what you did wrong, and what to do to fix it, but I’m not going to make any promises about how well you like the answer. What you did wrong was arm yourself with just enough information to get yourself in big trouble instead of getting the all the information you need plus how to use it, and you humiliated your wife or girlfriend (we’ll talk about that issue momentarily, by the way – you don’t even mention which she is, or her name, which smells a bit of disrespect for her), bad enough that I’m frankly surprised she’s giving you a chance to correct the problem.

First of all, you were apparently insensitive to the fact that wanting to go to a fast food joint because she was in a hurry might have meant that she didn’t really have time to go out with you for lunch at all, and was either trying to be polite or you didn’t give her a way of negotiating her way out of lunch by asking her if she still had time to do it. That tension alone can put a woman on edge enough to make her react badly to a small thing, and this was no small thing by any stretch of the imagination. Grabbing a woman’s behind in public, especially using the language you did, and double-especially if anybody overheard you, is just about as disrespectful and demeaning as you can get; indeed, your average prostitute might even have more self-respect than to tolerate what you did.

Naughty attitude and sexy playfulness is an integral part of intimacy, which by definition, means deeply personal and private. Imagine if you were being goofy, and did that idiotic thing guys do by hanging a towel or piece of clothing on your erect organ, or maybe a sock puppet, something that was meant for nobody in the world but her to see, and she posted a video of the whole act on a web page for everyone on the Internet, including some people who knew and respected you (there may have been one or more of her coworkers eating in that restaurant!!!) to see. Do you think you might want to crawl under something and hide for about 20 years until everybody forgot about it? That’s how she felt when you did that.

The only time that this kind of behavior is okay in public is when it is done covertly, so that it is a shared naughty secret between you and her. It’s the child-like and naughty “getting way with something” element that makes it fun, and the covert nature of the act keeps it intimate.

You took something intimate out of context, and that made it cheap and disrespectful, and now that you’ve done that, touching her behind in any context is liable to fire off a mental anchor and bring back that memory and feeling of humiliation for her. You’re standing on your toes in a cesspool, the sewage is over your mouth and about to go up your nose and drown you. Count your blessings. Men have died for less.

I don’t know if your problem is entirely ignorance, or if it is also born of general disrespect for women. You don’t provide enough information to deduce that, but do you realize that nowhere in your letter do you disclose whether this woman is your wife or your girlfriend? Or her name?

It sounds as if she’s just really not important to you; indeed, you not only omit her status in your life, but her name as well, referring to her only as “her” and “she.” If “she” were to read that, you might find yourself living alone very quickly. Relationship status is EXTREMELY important to women, and they are constantly evaluating them, which is what gives rise to the vast majority of the testing they do. And make no mistake; you will NEVER have a satisfying relationship with a woman if you don't respect her, because respect is part of love. And I’ve noticed that men who write to me who love and respect their wives or girlfriends consistently refer to them as either “my wife/girlfriend” or by name, and sometimes both, in their letters, only using “she” and “her” after having identified the woman.

The first thing you need to do in attempting to rectify this situation, which I don’t know is even possible at this point, is to apologize to her and explain that you’ve been trying to learn to do things to improve your relationship and acted on something you read but apparently took out of context, that you now realize how grossly disrespectful it was and that it will never happen again. If you still don’t see that it was disrespectful, you’ve got a lot of personal growth to accomplish (read “growing up to do”) before I will be able to help you further.

The other thing you can do is what a great many people reading my newsletter need to do: Go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” and read it, follow the instructions and examples, and incorporate everything it describes into your true self so that relationship assessment, effective inter-gender communications, and creating (instead of killing) attraction aren’t just second nature, they are FIRST nature to you, things that you do so easily and naturally that you no longer have to think about them, and which make the woman you love know beyond any doubt that no matter how many men there are in the world, you are the one for her. Do this, and you will find that she will richly reward you with all the nurturing, support, and intimacy that she can muster, automatically! “Making Her Happy” is the key to making you both happy. Try it and see.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

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