Thursday, February 19, 2009

What Is Your Body Language Saying About You, Especially to Your Partner in a Relationship or Marriage?

Experts say over 90% of all communication is non-verbal, much of that through body language. Women are generally far better at reading body language than men; what is your body language saying to her, especially about you?

I was watching the news once and a politician was talking about how a new project was going to do so much for the area’s economy, and his body language said he was lying his ever-loving ass off! His eye-blink rate changed radically when he talked about benefits to local taxpayers and local businesses, and kept touching his nose and blinking even faster as he talked about how critical the project was and how everyone would see its worth in the very near term.

He also looked away from the interviewer when this aberrant behavior started, kept shifting his body posture into a guarding position or a selling position, etc. He’s new, and apparently he can’t yet afford the really good handlers that train politicians to lie with a straight face and keep their body language from giving away their unspoken thoughts.

No matter what is coming out of your mouth, your body language tells what’s on your mind. What is your body language saying about YOU, especially to the woman in your life? I’ll guarantee you that if you’re feeling bad about yourself, it’s telling the tale without you saying a word, and even if you and your guy friends don’t pick up on it, the women around you, especially the one you love, certainly will, even if only subconsciously (they’re wired for it, but we’re not). It can be an attraction maker or an attraction breaker, and you need to choose carefully…

For instance, if you’ve been having a hard time at work and are letting it get to you, there’s a good chance that you are no longer standing straight and tall. Your shoulders are slumping and you’re looking at your feet as you walk, among other things. How does the woman you love react to this? (Or the people around you?)

From an attraction stand-point, she will react badly. There’s no other way to describe it. Even if she kicks into nurturing mode to try to be supportive, nurturing mode can easily and quickly evolve into a mothering mode, especially if you’re not acting strong and decisive, and that kills attraction, for a number of reasons.

It puts you in an inferior position, it changes the framing of the relationship from you being the alpha male to being a child not feeling well, etc. If it persists a bit, which it can, as depression sets in and moping around becomes a comfortable habit, she becomes even more the mother as she gets bored with your bad attitude and either gets depressed herself or starts looking elsewhere.

Or even worse, she can become ticked off about it, and assume a leadership role, wherein she is defining authority for you and exercising it over you, which is the end of attraction until you have straightened up and resumed the leadership role with gusto and held it until she’s comfortable that you’re willing to keep it by virtue of putting you through numerous annoying tests. That’s a pretty crappy outcome, wouldn’t you say?

Want to peg the “crappy-o-meter”? How about if your depression is brought about by your perception that she is no longer as attracted to you as she once was, and as you get more depressed, you get less and less attractive -- spiraling downward, swirling the drain, or however you want to put it, locked into a self-amplifying feedback loop that kills not only attraction, but your relationship. Is that crappy enough to make you want to do something positive? I hope so. Once again, think with me here for a minute or two:

There are things that you do when you’re happy, sad, excited, bored, strong, scared, please, ticked off, truthful, lying, and everything else that you feel, and the chances are very high that you are unaware while she is totally aware of them, even if it’s only subconsciously, and reacting to them. You need to be aware of these things, and watch for them. Why?

First, because she is, and you need to know what you are telling her. Second, and more useful to you, is that you can watch your own body language for clues to your own emotional well-being. If you catch yourself slumping or looking at your shoes as you walk, that’s a strong signal that you need a reality check – there’s a problem somewhere that you need to be addressing, because you’re body language has already alerted her to the fact that there’s a problem, so the clock is running. She needs to see you taking action or you suddenly become a slacker who can’t keep himself on track or a wuss who won’t. How attractive does that sound?

At this point, we must discuss the “faking it” element. I don’t recommend faking anything, at any time, for any reason, because it’s just too easy to trip up, especially when she’s balancing less than 10% of your communication, the verbal part that you deliberately say, against the 90%+ that you involuntarily say through non-verbal means, as well as checking the body language to make sure it’s consistent. Any inconsistency brings about testing, and the testing escalates until she either sees her suspicion confirmed or sees a behavioral change that removes the suspicion completely. You know how we men hate testing…right? So don’t do that to yourself.

Besides, with a lot of women, it doesn’t take but one lie to start an onslaught of testing and punishment that will end up driving you away, and their take on the outcome will be that you were worthless and left, and you’ll have to be punished for that, too, won’t you? Honesty, while sometimes tempered with a touch of diplomacy, is always the best policy.

The flip side? If you’re walking tall, eyes forward, and acting like you own the world and can handle everything that happens in it, you’re too sexy for your shirt. If your body language is confirming what you are verbally telling her, it builds trust quickly and firmly. If your body language is saying you’re all that while you’re not saying a word, you’re exactly where you should be and she can’t get enough of you. I don’t know about you, but I’ll definitely have some of that!!!

If you don’t feel that good about yourself, it’s time for a change, Brother, because as a human being and as a man, you can make it happen, and such feelings are your birthright once you do. Everything you need to know to live a life that makes you walk tall and be the attractive “alpha male” is in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” I’ve been doing consulting and personal coaching for years, and the only people I’ve seen fail to take their life back and make it everything they want it to be are those who didn’t know what they wanted, so if you’re a really tough case, we can make arrangements for that, too.

So download your copy at and get started immediately, call or write me if you have to, but get on the stick and get it done, because life is too short to spend it depressed, alone (especially alone in a crowd), and celibate, and the choice is in your hands. Choose wisely…

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

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