Saturday, July 26, 2008

A Woman Lives Briefly As a Man, and Here Is the BIG Relationship and Marriage Lesson For All to Learn From Her Experience

Part 2 of 2: EXCLUSIVE MUST READ! A female reader gets an accidental overdose of testosterone and spends a couple of weeks feeling what many men feel every day, and there are lessons for all in her experience! Yesterday we studied the letter, and today I show you what you should have seen…

I’ve waited as long as I can to publish this edition because I was really hoping to hear from someone who saw the most important lesson to be had here, but I’ve not yet. However, I will say that based on the answers to surveys and other questions, many editions, even the ones marked “urgent” or “must read,” don’t get read for several days or until the weekend because we’re all getting too busy for our own good, so I’m not going to construe this to mean anything more than that the majority of people simply haven’t had the time to read and think about it yet.

In case you missed yesterday’s edition, here’s a letter from a reader who, in a nutshell, got an accidental overdose of testosterone in her hormone replacement therapy dosage and got to spend several days being influenced by it as a man does, especially young men, and there is a glaring lesson for all men embedded in her response. If you’ve already read it, skip past it to the commentary that follows to discover one of the most important things you’ll ever learn about women.

Dear David,

All my life I have heard people say if you could walk a mile in someone else’s shoes you would not be so fast to judge them. I have to tell you of such an experience that has proven this to me, and this was so serious I felt like I should share part of it with you. I will be giving you only a small portion of what I went through, but I hope it will be enough that you will understand that I really know what it feels like to be a man.

I’m 40 years old, had a hysterectomy twelve years ago, and a few weeks ago I went to see my gynecologist about a problem I was having with my hormone levels. Every time I was tested my hormones were lower than the doctor felt they should be, and he made such a big deal of it that I became concerned and made the choice to let the doctor give me strong shot to see if this could get me back on the right track. In doing so I was given a very large dose of testosterone, which turned my body totally opposite of what I had ever been before. I started to view life on a whole new level.

It started out with me looking for sex everywhere. I was suddenly looking at every man I saw and some women as possible sex partners, and I had never done this, especially toward women! I thought at first I was going crazy. I would sit and look at them and could play out in my head all the thoughts I was having about them and what I could imagine we could do together.

I was also terribly aggressive and easily angered, wanting to get into fights with people who would piss me off and I never wanted to do that before, ever! For example during all this I was pulled over by a policeman and was given a ticket. Now most of the time I would cry or flirt or do whatever I had to get out of it and for the most part that would work for me, but this time all I wanted to do is punch the cop right in the face for being an ass to me.

There were so many changes in my life I could not possibly describe all of them for you right now. The point I wanted to get across is after I went through days of strange feelings and urges I had never had before I told my best friend about them and he looked at me and smiled and told me that all of what I told him about was what a man went through everyday of his life until he got old enough for his testosterone levels to drop severely, which he said was somewhere between the late twenties and early fifties, depending on the man, and could be even later for some men.

I was blown away. I called my gynecologist and told him what my friend said and he confirmed that the dosage may have been too high and that I could be experiencing such side effects for several days, but not to be alarmed because they would stop when the testosterone was used and it returned to a more tolerable level.

Ladies if what I went through just for those few days is what a man goes through every day there is a lot more to being a man than we as women think. All I can say is I hope I never go through anything like this again. If the feeling of gladly passing up food for sex is a small part of how they feel then I say give them sex, I will never again tell my love that I do not feel like it or I have a headache for during that short period of time I got mad at my boyfriend for not giving me all the sex I wanted, and wanted it I did. With every single breath I took I wanted him, and sometimes not just him. When he did not want to give it to me I would look around and wonder where I could get it from.

Like I said, this is only a small part of what I went through and there is much more I could tell you and I might write it all down and send it to you one day, but I am just now starting to get some of the old me feeling like I should again. The main reason I wanted to write this is so that you woman readers might get a little better understanding of what our men go through all the time. I will promise you this before I ever tell my husband no again I will think about the experience I had and how I felt when he told me that he didn’t feel like it.

Daphne

Okay guys, does anybody see it? It’s staring at you from within the next to last paragraph:

“Ladies if what I went through just for those few days is what a man goes through every day there is a lot more to being a man them we as women think. All I can say is I hope I never go through anything like this again. If the feeling of gladly passing up food for sex is a small part of how they feel then I say give them sex, I will never again tell my love that I do not feel like it or I have a headache for during that short period of time I got mad at my boyfriend for not giving me all the sex I wanted, and wanted it I did. With every single breath I took I wanted him, and sometimes not just him. When he did not want to give it to me I would look around and wonder where I could get it from."

Women have the capacity to understand what it feels like to live with the burning drive of testosterone all day every day, and will respond to that understanding with the same nurturing behavior they exhibit for us regarding any needs or desires we have, IF THEY ARE PRESENTED WITH THE INFORMATION CORRECTLY.

What constitutes correctly? Think about it. What do girls grow up hearing about boys, and women continue to believe about men? That ALL WE THINK ABOUT IS SEX, and will lie, cheat, steal and rape if necessary to get it. But that’s not true, is it? We don’t choose to be driven to think about sex as often as we do, and in fact, we don’t THINK about it often at all. We desire it, and often need it, when something sexual is in front of us. It’s a subconscious eruption or a reaction to a stimulus, not something we contemplate. But that’s not what women grow up and live believing.

They grow up hearing from their parents and each other that “guys just want to get into their pants,” and it’s said as something dirty, demeaning, diabolical, and deceitful. When they grow up, they are surrounded by a bunch of pushy, grab-asstic boys who don’t care who they insult or hurt and by a bunch of socially-inept wusses who never learned that neither women nor sex is scarce and are under the influence of myths like "women don't like sex," “women want a nice guy,” and “a guy has to be considerate and let the woman make all the decisions.” So how would you expect them to react?

The lesson is that if you can really talk with your partner about how things really are in your life, openly, honestly, and in detail, help her to understand how things are, and show her the same courtesy and respect by listening when she tells you how things really are in her life, world, etc., or how she feels about how things are in your life or hers, it comes across far differently than if it is presented as some sort of demand on her (“I’m your husband and it’s your duty to have sex with me”) or as some sort of wussy plea of need (“I just can’t help myself, and if you don’t sleep with me, I’ll feel bad about myself and it will be all your fault,” or the classic wuss-out, “A man has needs, you know…”). Understanding of needs and conditions motivates a woman to nurture to deal with the situation, while bullying, badgering, whining, and sulking motivate her to separate herself from the situation, and YOU!

This doesn’t just apply to sex, or even just to intimacy in general. It applies to everything that goes on between the two of you. If you have goals that you want your wife to help you meet somehow, or even just goals that you don’t want he to resent or resist, explain to her what these goals are, and why they are important to you, and tell her that she can help if she wants and it will be appreciated if she does, instead of demanding that she “get her ass in gear and get with the program,’ telling her to keep her nose out of your business, or whining about how you never got a break and the system is against you and that she owes it to you to pitch in and cover your ass. Invite her to tell you about her goals and interests as well. And listen with interest as she responds with how she feels about what you’ve told her and what she’s told you. That simple act will do more for your trust, respect, and intimacy than you can imagine until you see it in action.

There is no way that two people in a committed relationship can ever know too much about each other’s goals, desires, needs, preferences, etc., and talking openly and honestly about them is by far the best way to make things understood. Aside from the obvious benefits of the building of trust and friendship as these things are discussed, there will also be the building of intimacy and excitement as you come closer together and celebrate your victories together. It’s as automatic as the rising and setting of the sun.

Oops! All that talking and listening requires bridging that inter-gender communications gap that we’re all born into and few of us ever find out way across. What’s the old cliché, “Drat! Foiled again…”? Well, no, not this time…

You guessed it: It’s all in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," which is available for download right now at
http://www.makingherhappy.com, and once you’ve learned what it has to offer, you’ll be having frequent picnics on that inter-gender communications bridge you’re going to quickly build. Could life get any better? Sure, and you’re going to make it so, if you start now…

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Friday, July 25, 2008

A Woman Lives Briefly As a Man, and Learns a BIG Relationship and Marriage Lesson

EXCLUSIVE MUST READ! A female reader gets an accidental overdose of testosterone and spends a couple of weeks feeling what many men feel every day, and there are lessons for all in her experience!

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is HUGE. One of your fellow readers, Daphne, whom we’ve heard from before on a couple of occasions, is 40 years old and using hormone replacement therapy (HRT) after a total hysterectomy. The strangest thing happened!

For those of you who don’t know a lot about endocrinology, after a hysterectomy or menopause, women are often given a cocktail of hormones to try to replace the ones that were produced by the organs that were removed. Many claims are made about preventing osteoporosis and other things, but the only thing that estrogen HRT has been clinically PROVEN to do is curb hot flashes and some forms of it (especially the one derived from horse urine, called “equione,” which is estimated at 1,000 times the cellular reproductive power of human estrogen) have also been proven to raise a woman’s chance of contracting cancer, especially if her HRT regimen includes synthetic estrogen (like equione) or high doses of natural estrogen.

What is not common knowledge is that testosterone, the male hormone, is also needed and used by women to combat fatigue, heighten libido (it’s the only true aphrodisiac known to science), and actually does help with the formation and repair of bone and tissue. Indeed, estrogen is a metabolite (a by-product of the metabolism of) of testosterone; men metabolize more as DHT and other non-estrogen substances, while women metabolize more as estrogen, which is needed by all for cellular reproduction but in higher doses causes the femininization of the body, including the brain, skin, and other non-sexual organs.

When women have significantly too much testosterone for an extended period, it causes their voice to deepen, facial and other body hair to grow, libido is put into overdrive, and they get more aggressive; a lesser overage will cause minor symptoms like being less creative and more analytical, a more masculine communications protocol (speaking more directly and less in tune to non-verbal messages, among other things), less emotionally driven, more aggressive, etc.

This woman was given a dose that was determined to be WAAAAY beyond her natural tolerance in an injection, and she describes an experience that you simply must read for yourself. There are multiple lessons, some not so obvious, for both men and women in this letter, but I’m not going to go into those until tomorrow. In the meantime, I challenge you to read this letter and see what lessons you can derive from it yourself, and if you wish to share your observations, simply reply to this newsletter, and don’t forget to indicate whether you want your observations shared with the other readers.

Without further ado, here again is Daphne, with a tale that you really should study, because she has a unique perspective after this experience, possibly the only woman alive who has lived feeling the male drives and testosterone-driven emotions, and her reaction to them contains the biggest lesson of all:

Dear David,

All my life I have heard people say if you could walk a mile in someone else’s shoes you would not be so fast to judge them. I have to tell you of such an experience that has proven this to me, and this was so serious I felt like I should share part of it with you. I will be giving you only a small portion of what I went through, but I hope it will be enough that you will understand that I really know what it feels like to be a man.

I’m 40 years old, had a hysterectomy twelve years ago, and a few weeks ago I went to see my gynecologist about a problem I was having with my hormone levels. Every time I was tested my hormones were lower than the doctor felt they should be, and he made such a big deal of it that I became concerned and made the choice to let the doctor give me strong shot to see if this could get me back on the right track. In doing so I was given a very large dose of testosterone, which turned my body totally opposite of what I had ever been before. I started to view life on a whole new level.

It started out with me looking for sex everywhere. I was suddenly looking at every man I saw and some women as possible sex partners, and I had never done this, especially toward women! I thought at first I was going crazy. I would sit and look at them and could play out in my head all the thoughts I was having about them and what I could imagine we could do together.

I was also terribly aggressive and easily angered, wanting to get into fights with people who would piss me off and I never wanted to do that before, ever! For example during all this I was pulled over by a policeman and was given a ticket. Now most of the time I would cry or flirt or do whatever I had to get out of it and for the most part that would work for me, but this time all I wanted to do is punch the cop right in the face for being an ass to me.

There were so many changes in my life I could not possibly describe all of them for you right now. The point I wanted to get across is after I went through days of strange feelings and urges I had never had before I told my best friend about them and he looked at me and smiled and told me that all of what I told him about was what a man went through every day of his life until he got old enough for his testosterone levels to drop severely, which he said was somewhere between the late twenties and early fifties, depending on the man, and could be even later for some men.

I was blown away. I called my gynecologist and told him what my friend said and he confirmed that the dosage may have been too high and that I could be experiencing such side effects for several days, but not to be alarmed because they would stop when the testosterone was used and it returned to a more tolerable level.

Ladies if what I went through just for those few days is what a man goes through every day there is a lot more to being a man than we as women think. All I can say is I hope I never go through anything like this again. If the feeling of gladly passing up food for sex is a small part of how they feel then I say give them sex. I will never again tell my love that I do not feel like it or I have a headache for during that short period of time I got mad at my boyfriend for not giving me all the sex I wanted, and want it I did. With every single breath I took I wanted him, and sometimes not just him. When he did not want to give it to me I would look around and wonder where I could get it from.

Like I said, this is only a small part of what I went through and there is much more I could tell you and I might write it all down and send it to you one day, but I am just now starting to get some of the old me feeling like I should again. The main reason I wanted to write this is so that you woman readers might get a little better understanding of what our men go through all the time. I will promise you this before I ever tell my husband no again I will think about the experience I had and how I felt when he told me that he didn’t feel like it.

Daphne

What a story! I sincerely hope that Daphne chooses to share more of this story with us at sometime in the future, but aside from the drama of spending a few days feeling the urges and emotions that many of us men feel every day, there is a HUGE and significant lesson here for men. As I mentioned above, see if you can spot it, write to me at
support@makingherhappy.com about it if you feel like it, and if I get the correct response from five or fewer people, a prize will be awarded, a copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and tomorrow I’ll reveal any winners and the big lesson after you’ve had some time to think about it and possibly win a prize!

Speaking of which, "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" is available for download right now at
http://www.makingherhappy.com/, and if you’ll read it diligently and learn its secrets, you’ll have the same inside-out view of women that Daphne got of men without having to have a large dose of estrogen or experience first-hand any of its side effects – an offer you can’t refuse, right?

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Time Is On Your Side in Fixing Ailing Relationships and Marriage

The rules for creating and maintaining attraction can be slightly to radically different when moving from the “first encounter” scenario (like bumping into a stranger or trying to pick up a stranger in a bar) to a committed relationship. One such rule is the one governing your “window of opportunity,” which is as short as a few seconds when meeting someone new but can be months long when trying to rekindle the fire in a mature but stale or damaged relationship, because the woman would rather have her partner being a “naughty hottie” than being bored or having an affair; she has a vested interest in giving him a chance to enliven the relationship.

I received an interesting letter over the weekend from an achiever who has not yet bought “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” but has subscribed to this newsletter, has bought materials from some of the dating gurus like John Alanis and David DeAngelo, and subscribes to their newsletters, and has noticed a discrepancy between my material and theirs:

Hi David,

I bought books and CD’s from John Alanis, David DeAngelo, and others, and subscribe to everybody’s newsletters trying to find a way to get things back into gear here at home. After 6 years of marriage, things have been in a downhill slide for awhile, and it’s obvious that there is an attraction problem, and they’re all saying that once attraction has died it’s nearly impossible, if not entirely impossible, to rekindle, yet you guarantee I can do it. What am I missing?”

Buddy G.

Well, Buddy, it’s pretty simple. They’re absolutely right, and so is what I’m telling you. The difference is in the context, particularly the timeframe. Remember, they are talking about creating attraction and keeping it going in order to ESTABLISH a relationship. In the dating world, there’s no commitment yet formed and nothing invested; you’re on strict probation before you ever approach her and introduce yourself, and at your first slip-up she’s gone because there are hundreds of other men in her world still left to inspect. She has no motivation to wait around for somebody exhibiting the same nice-guy, loser behavior that every other nice loser exhibits when she could be hooking up with a guy who “gets it” and trips her attraction triggers, giving her that feeling women will kill for.

HOWEVER! As you’ll find in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” the rules of attraction in committed relationships are often quite different from those of attracting someone new. In your case, and the case of anyone in a committed relationship that has survived long enough to get a little stale and boring or damaged, you’ve already made the grade and fallen from grace.

In the meantime, ties have been built, maybe kids, mortgage, and other commitments and/or motivations for further commitment have come into the picture, and it’s to your mutual advantage to put things back together. Nobody likes break-ups or divorces, even when they come out ahead, because they almost always entail fighting, complications, and extreme changes in the way you live. I don’t know about you, but I hate it when that happens. ;-)

Look closely at the two situations, the requirements of the participants, and think with me for a minute. The “chick in the bar” would have no reason to give you a second look or thought if you said the wrong thing because there will be at least a hundred other opportunities for her that same evening, but the woman with whom you’ve been partnered, in whatever capacity, for months or years has a vested interest in the relationship!

She wants you to straighten up because having you “back in true form” (read “that attractive stud muffin you used to be, and even more so if you can do it”) is much more enjoyable and far less scary than dropping back into the dating world and having to go back to defending herself from perverts, stalkers, geeks, losers, liars, philanderers, and others who would either use, hurt, or bore her.

(And if there are kids involved, her drive to protect her children from a destabilized environment will make her want you to work with her to work things out ten times more than if there were no kids!)

Think about that! If you screwed up with the chick in the bar and she would say, “What for?” when you asked if you could try another date and attempt to make up for your transgression, the woman who has been in your life and enjoyed it would usually try to help you get it done! (To wit, the last several times I have checked, one third of my book sales have been to women!) She wants that feeling back, and would do about anything to have it back, and her choices are to:

a) leave you and find somebody else who gives it to her, or
b) don’t leave you, just find a “toy boy” and cheat
c) wait for you to get it done
d) help you get it done so she can have it back faster!

Now, which one do you think she’s most likely to choose if she has a choice of the four options above? Where most men screw up is only offering her “a” and “b,” and a few more will offer her “c”. You have before you the option of buying a book that, according to a while bunch of people, will give you the knowledge you need to get the job done if you’ll just do it, and if your wife knows you’re genuinely trying she’ll help!

Seriously, if you were trying to date this woman, I’d say forget it, but you’re married to her, and she doesn’t want to have a boring marriage any more than you do. Go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and get your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” Read it. Study it. Learn from it. Have a laugh or two along the way, too. And do it NOW, because attraction is a double-edged sword; the only thing that can keep her from responding to you when you straighten up and act like a man is if ANOTHER MAN creates intense attraction for her before you do, in which case attraction still wins, as always, but it wins the fight for the other guy, not you. But you can be certain that where women are concerned, attraction will be the deciding factor the vast majority of the time, no matter who wields it, so proceed in earnest.

If you get through the evaluation section and you know that you’re with the right woman, get her to read it with you. That way she’ll know that you’re trying to make things better for both of you and that the positive changes that she’s about to see in your behavior are because you’re committed to making things better with her, not because you have a new girlfriend making you feel sexy again. (Yes, they really do that!) Get it done, and get on with your new, sexy, exciting life with your wife. Why? Because it’s a whole lot easier and better than being bored or risking getting caught in an affair. You love her, so treat her like you love her! ‘Nuff said…

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Affairs and Cheating in Relationships and Marriage: Women and Affairs in the Real World

A reader shares some shockingly revealing ads from real women looking for real men, as well a man who targets them, and Gentlemen, you really need to understand this…

There are several of you who have moved out of incompatible, irreconcilable marriages who are now dating who send me examples that are useful to those of us who are still married, especially ads by married women looking for thrills and the men who target them. Rick, a very astute reader and now friend, has contributed in the past, and every time he does, it’s an eye-opener, just like today. Check him out:

Hey David, As usual, the above newsletter (“07/22/08 - Why Do Women Have Affairs?") is true to its hard-hitting form. Please allow me to provide (yet more) proof that what you say is the truth. I was on my online site earlier this evening when I saw this married woman had looked at my profile. Check out how she describes herself:


"I am a recently separated, and soon to be divorced, fun lady. I do not have any children and am ready to sew my wild oats (since I never had the chance before). I want to find someone who is only interested in having a good time. I'm not ready for a relationship so if that is what you want, do not reply. Am interested in some physical love. Husband could not satisfy my needs and I need someone who can.”

Now look at what she wants:

“I just need someone who is willing to go out with me and have a good time. I want you to show me what I have been missing all of these years - out on the town and in the bedroom. If this sounds like something for you, please respond.”

Another textbook example of how boredom, left unchecked, can doom a marriage. Gentlemen, please buy David's book so that you don't become another statistic! Do it for YOU.

David, Let me say for the record, that I have not, nor will I ever get involved with a married woman. However, there are plenty of men who will! Take a look at this Personal Trainer's confession:

I'm a lonely wife's dream, and hubby's worst nightmare.

In 30 years in the training business, I've probably had affairs with more than 40 married women. Most of them were in their 30s, married eight to 10 years, with kids, and their husbands weren't paying attention to them. They felt neglected. They didn't feel attractive. Their husbands had become preoccupied with work.

In the beginning, I was scared about having sex with my clients. I was a shy, overweight kid and didn't go to the prom, so I didn't have much confidence at first. Then I got this physique and I discovered that I had this ability to charm women, and I made up for lost time. When I was 17, I put my first ad in a small paper, saying I was looking for clients to train. I had just won Mr. Bodybuilding Teenage New York State, and in my ad I was looking lean and ripped.

The first day a woman called me and said, "Do you really look like this?" She asked what my girlfriend thought of my being a trainer, which I thought was strange. (I now know that when a client starts asking what my girlfriend thinks of my training, she wants to know if I'm available.) She told me she was married, that her husband traveled a lot for work and was never home. She said she found that being so sedentary had made her put on some weight.

The next day I went to her house. I'd spent a lot of my savings and gotten some help from my mom to buy a really nice dark blue warm-up suit and brand-new white Adidas sneakers so I would look like a professional trainer. When the woman opened the door, she was wearing a black negligee. I went home and told my mother and father, and they forbade me to go back. My parents canceled my ad and said, "This will probably be a problem the rest of your life."

It happens all the time now. The wives today feel they have just as much right, and drive, to have a playmate as their husbands do. It's natural to want to have sex with your trainer. Remember that training is very hands-on. I'm touching them, motivating them, encouraging them, listening to them, relieving their stress and channeling their energy in a more positive way. Just as their husbands used to do at the beginning of their marriage. I'm trained to get inside their heads and push the buttons that will motivate them. But I'm also in their heads in other ways. They connect with me emotionally. It's very important for a trainer to be a good listener.

I once had an interior-designer client who was very beautiful. Like every client, she started opening up about her life; women do the same thing with their hairdressers and trainers. "My husband isn't attentive to me, he used to be so passionate," she explained. It was her birthday and her husband had forgotten. I suggested we have lunch, and she said, "How about dinner?" And that's where I went wrong. For a couple of months after that, we would work out, go back to my place and have sex. I would whisper sexy thoughts to her when I was spotting her at the gym. And then it ended. We got caught by the husband. He wound up calling me up and crying like a baby, asking me to stay away from her.

I don't feel bad about having had affairs with married women, because they were feeling neglected and they just wanted to be loved. One woman said to me her husband had never looked into her eyes when they made love. He couldn't have been that smart, because women love the eye contact. I come from a very passionate, Italian family. When I make love to a woman, I like to have spontaneous sex. I like to do it in the elevator, on the beach, underneath the table in the restaurant. I like to make them feel young, mischievous, alive. If they can have a taste of it again, they can realize they haven't lost it.


I'm 47 now, and over the years I've learned to watch out. I realized I couldn't be sleeping with everyone's wife in town. Number one, you start sleeping with them and they want to stop paying, and I make $150 an hour. I was never paid for sex. I would never do it for that. Because for me it would ruin it. I like to make love to please someone. When they say, "I feel like a real woman again," it's the same thing as when I train them and they tell me how terrific they feel because they fit in clothes they haven't worn for 10 years. The high of training is the same high as making love. I've written a screenplay about it all, called "The Trainer." It's "Shampoo" for the 21st century.

That was pretty self-explanatory.


Take care,
Rick

Rick’s right. That is indeed painfully self-explanatory. If you’re not being a good husband, there are others standing in line, or waiting in the wings, or crouched in the bushes waiting to pounce, and once a woman hits a certain level of boredom, she will come unglued with the same lack of inhibition that you feel when you get too aroused to say, “No,” to se’x or to stop when she says, “No,” to you.

Make no mistake. This reaction is primal, biological, and has nothing whatsoever to do with love or the lack thereof, and if you’re not giving your wife a reason to enjoy being with you, somebody else is or soon will be giving her a reason to enjoy being with him. Period.

There is no emotion, logic, or “morality” that will interrupt this process once it has started, and if you knowingly allow it to start, you have nobody to blame for it but yourself when it is complete and at best, your wife is confessing and asking you to work things out with her and get your marriage back on track, or at worst, she’s announcing that she’s leaving you for him, and taking everything you own with her as punishment for putting her through the trouble.

So what do you do to prevent it? Be a man! And be a husband. A real husband, one who makes her feel alive, engaged, challenged, understood, and appreciated, as she tries to make you feel, not some guy who goes to work and sits with a remote control and a beer in front of the television all evening while she tends the kids and spends the rest of the evening in some Internet chat room. Get a clue!

And believe it or not, you’re a lot more likely to need much more than a clue to know what being a man and a husband are really all about. Even if you’re lucky enough to grow up with a good role model, which most of us weren’t because our fathers didn’t grow up with a good role model either, the examples we are barraged with daily – bungling, wussy beta males who somehow trip over themselves and fall into the arms of success by complete accident if at all – are there in your face constantly to confound and corrupt any legitimate concept you may have. But you still have a chance…

There are a few of us around who have not succumbed to all this wussy crap that’s been shoveled at us since the 1970’s, or have succumbed but learned from our mistakes and awakened from that wussy slumber, who can be that role model. A very few of us even have the writing, teaching, and training skills to help. One of us that I know of has even researched what seemed to be the right formula, tested it on hundreds of women and couples, and has made it available for you with little more than a few mouse clicks.

It’s called "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and it’s all that, and more. Go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy and see for yourself. Rick did, as did many others, and now they own their lives; join them.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Affairs and Cheating in Relationships and Marriage: Why Do Men Do It? And How to STOP!

An obviously troubled man writes to ask how he can STOP having affairs and get his life together. Let’s see what we can do for him – and YOU!

Guys and gals, lightning has struck! I have for you today proof that men can recognize and admit that they do not like having affairs, and do indeed want a stable, monogamous relationship, possibly even enough to do what is necessary to make it happen. Only time will tell whether this man has the courage of his convictions, but I’m sensing a very genuine desire and sense of priority in his words, and his language indicates that he’s going to step up and take charge of his life. Meet James:

Good morning,

My name is James and would like to share with you problems in my relationship.
It’s been ten years now with ma girlfriend. The problem is I love her but I’m having affairs.

I’m so insecure, jealous coz I think she’s doing the same thing, I don’t trust her at all.

I would like to overcome my problem and stick to one partner, get married, give ma seven year daughter all the support she can ever get.

I don’t think I’ll cope if she have an affair.

I’m OUTGOING, spend most weekends out with friends, on drinking spree,
Come weekdays, I’m a darling.

The problem has affected our sex intimate life, we get intimate once in a while.
She has feeling and will end up having an affair.

Please help.
James

This is obviously a man who is bottoming out, realizing that he’s at a crossroads, and is deciding that he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life the way he’s spent the last ten years. I call that a damned good choice, based on what he’s written about the last ten years. My response:

Hi James,

I cannot help you while you’re pursuing affairs, but if you’re truly ready to stop and straighten up, listen to reason, and get your life on track I can definitely help. Before you can do anything, you’re going to have to identify the reason you are having affairs and eliminate it.

If you’re doing it because you have no self-esteem and are trying to substitute the acceptance and approval of other women for the genuine self-esteem created by achievement, then you’re going to have to start creating real reasons to feel good about yourself and stop thinking that chasing other women is going to make you feel any better about anything. Approval and acceptance must come from within, not from somebody else.

If it’s because you are bored, or because your wife is bored and the two of you aren’t intimate, then you just need to get back in tune, learn about how to create attraction and communicate effectively, and nature will quickly take its course and get you to where you need to be. That’s not hard to do, but you need to know how and you need to want it to make it happen.

Unfortunately, your weekend “drinking sprees” point toward low self-esteem, because a man who feels good about himself doesn’t spend every weekend poisoning himself and looking for cheap thrills with other self-destructive people; a drink or two is no big deal, but you’re describing a binge, and you know as well as I do that repeated bingeing is self-destructive behavior. A man who feels good about himself spends that time enriching himself with his hobbies and enjoying time with the ones he loves, not abusing himself and potentially those around him.

Low self-esteem makes you very unattractive to any woman who spends any time around you, and causes you to seek approval, acceptance, social confirmation, etc., from women, who may find you charming and witty when both of you are drinking or drunk, which is a huge red flag in itself, but after they sober up and see that you’re swimming in your problems instead of solving them, they quickly move on and the affair ends.

You have some pretty serious work ahead of you, and my book, "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," can help you if you read and apply it. Its primary purpose is to deprogram you from all the wussy crap that the media and other idiots have heaped on us over the last forty years or more and let the real man within you come out and take over, a man who is competent, confident, attracts and understands women, and is the kind of man that every woman wants to live with, a man-caught in a self-amplifying cycle of self-improvement instead of a death-spiral.

I’d suggest you give it a try before you become an alcohol-related death statistic, because all that is really in front of you is a series of choices to live a better life. The decision is the hard part; following through is easy once you’ve committed to change, because you get to see results and feel good about them, which in turn motivates you to achieve better and better results. Self-esteem-building becomes a self-perpetuating cycle that replaces the cycle of approval-seeking and self-destruction you’re caught in now.

Take care, and keep in touch,
David

I saw a purchase notification from James within 24 hours, and I fully expected it. Why? Because he’s not in denial about his situation. When people finally face the fact that what they are doing isn’t working and start asking for help, they usually go through with fixing it. The exception is that group of people who define “help” as having someone do everything for them instead of providing the information and support they need and then getting out of the way and letting them do what needs to be done so they can own their own achievement and feel good about it.

That, Gentlemen, is where I come in. I’ve done the research with hundreds of couples to find out what makes for good and bad relationship and how you can evaluate your own, what women want and what truly makes them tick, and how to easily return to that natural male behavior that flips their attraction switches and turns up the heat, saving them from their primary enemy, boredom. Do you realize what this means to you?

Do you remember the story about the man who found the bottle, rubbed it, and out came a genie, who granted him one wish, and he said he wanted a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii so he could drive his wife, who was afraid of flying, there for a vacation? When the genii said it was too big a request, the man said, “Then I guess I just want to know what makes women tick,” and the genii said, “Hmmm…tell me more about this bridge.”

We were all taught through such jokes and stories growing up that this is something that we would never know, yet here before you is the opportunity to know, once and for all, that most mysterious and seemingly forbidden of all things. Indeed, Sigmund Freud, the renowned psychologist, is famous for saying, “The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, ‘What does a woman want?’” That conundrum being solved, the question now is “Do you have the sense and the guts to reach out and grab this knowledge that evaded even the likes of Sigmund Freud and put it to work in your life?”

Like James, you now have a choice before you. Are you going to continue to sit there in the dark picking up a few crumbs from this newsletter every day, or even worse, in denial about the cause of your problems and looking for someone else to blame? Or are you going to secure for yourself and your family the next best thing to the keys to the universe, the knowledge that will put you on the road to being all that you can be, in your eyes and hers?

That should be the easiest decision you ever made in your life, so jump over to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" right now, before you do another thing, because as they say in The South, “Time’s a wastin!” and life is definitely too short to waste it.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Monday, July 21, 2008

Affairs and Cheating in Relationships and Marriage, Why Do Women Have Them?

Why do women have affairs? For the same reason most men do: because there’s nothing exciting them at home. What excites them may be quite different from what excites us, but they don’t deal with boredom any better than we do (in fact, it’s far worse for them!), so don’t expect them to – do something about it before it happens!

I had a wonderful phone call from an old friend (I’ll call her Dina), and I do mean OLD – we went to grade school together and have kept in touch ever since. We had a mutual “crush” in the third grade, became good friends, and eventually got to be so much like brother and sister that “hooking up” was never a thought, let alone an option, for either of us. She got married in the middle of college, had three kids, and the kids are grown now and she and her husband, Danny, also a long-time friend, are left with a great big empty nest and each other. They’d had a major problem develop a few months prior, and she called to give me the details of how things were back on track and better than they had ever been.

Like so many other couples, they had been so involved in their kids that they had grown apart and while they still love and respect each other, their life together was much more like that of casual roommates than a married couple. They didn’t have much to talk about, didn’t sleep together often – I’m really talking about sleeping here; he fell asleep on the couch most nights watching TV, and had “intimate relations” a couple times a year. OUCH!

That’s a whole bunch of problems for two people to deal with, especially when you bring the causes into the mix. Their intimacy was severely hampered by occasional prostate problems he suffered, lack of personal interaction, different interests and schedules, “empty nest” syndrome – the couple had defined a huge portion of who they were as “parents” so when the kids were gone they had overwhelming feelings of lack of purpose and loneliness from the hole that was left in their lives -- and it finally caught up with them.

Dina had been particularly taken with a new employee in her office, a manager, her new boss (yes, that’s about as cliché as it gets, but remember that things become cliché because they are so common), and was working late both for the extra money and something to do. She enjoyed working for him, because he was a strong leader, good motivator, was genuinely interested in his employees’ welfare, and had a great sense of humor. He was also married and quite bored, being in a similar situation to Dina.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see what came next, does it? Look at the boss. Strong leader, an alpha male characteristic. Good motivator and great sense of humor, both traits indicative of above average communications skills and very ANTI-BORING. Leadership and motivational skills coupled with his position as her boss put him in a position of defining authority for her frequently. Genuine interest in employees’ welfare coupled with good communications skills is intimacy waiting to happen.

He tripped her attraction triggers nine ways from Sunday, and in her mid forties, she’s still quite physically attractive, intelligent, a good conversationalist, and has always been playful and a little flirtatious, so she tripped his, too. They finally succumbed to the temptation and immediately knew they had done something that they shouldn’t have done and couldn’t undo. Dina called a few months ago to tell me about all of this, and I went to visit them.

She disclosed all of this, and we went through all that had happened over the years (the same process described in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” for determining if you are with someone who is a good match for you, a critical step in fixing any major problems in mature relationships – if they’re bad for you, why fight to keep things together???) and she knew beyond any doubt that he was the man for her and that they had slowly and surely grown apart as they focused too much on their kids and careers and not enough on each other.

She knew she had to tell Danny what had happened, for a number of reasons, and asked me for advice. I gave her a copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and told her to go through it with him, to help him prepare for the news he was about to get and be better able to understand what had happened. She was scared, but he was and is pretty level-headed, so she agreed.

When he got home, she showed him the book and told him I had written it and wanted their evaluation of it, which was true (I’m always interested in reader feedback on any of my books), and over the days that followed I got letters and phone calls from him about various things, and when it was obvious that he had a good grasp of what attraction is, and how powerful a force it is in a woman, especially when she is bored and vulnerable, I told Dina it was time to find an opportunity to confess, which she did within a couple of evenings as they were discussing part of the book.

He had read a passage in the book talking about how women get bored and can literally lose their ability to reason and control of their actions when somebody restores that feeling and he said, “Man, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. If you were to get caught up in something like this, I wouldn’t like it, but I don’t think I could blame you, at least not any more than I would have to blame myself.”

Being a bit more direct than most women, and a lot more direct than I was accustomed to her being, she looked him dead in the eye and said, “Danny, it has happened, just once, and I knew the minute it was over that it shouldn’t have. I love you, and I’m taking responsibility for this. I didn’t choose to let you grow away from me, but I didn’t choose to prevent it either. I didn’t know what was happening, and thought it was something that just happened to everyone when they’d been together as long as we have, and didn’t think it would be a problem. I want you, and nobody else. I want to grow very, very old with you. I can’t promise you that I can live long enough to do that, but I can certainly promise you that we can keep this from happening again for as long as we are alive, and you know we can, too. I’m not going to ask for your answer now, because I can see you’re in shock and need time to think things through. You tell me when you’re ready to talk about this.”

He said to her, “I’m ready now. I’m no fool. I know why you did it. We’ve been sitting here talking about it for weeks. I’ll share the responsibility with you, because I’m just as guilty of ignoring both of us as you are. I knew things weren’t right, but didn’t know what to do about it. I love you, we’ve raised three kids and paid off two mortgages together, and frankly, I’m sick to death of the way things have been going. We’re in a rut, and we’ve got a tow-truck here in this book. It may be awhile before I can be with you without thinking of another man being with you, but as long as I know that we’re working on this together, I’ll get over it. I’m going to Randy’s (his brother) for the weekend to do some fishing and get my mind right, and when I get back, we’re going to take back our marriage.”

Dina was weirded completely out. Danny got up, threw some stuff in a bag, kissed her on the cheek as he went out the door, sent her a couple of text messages while he was gone that just said, “Thinking of you…” and came home Sunday night and went to bed. Come Monday morning, he woke her up with a kiss and a smile, and said, “This is it, Kiddo. Time to get back to being us. I’m going to go cook us some breakfast while you shower.”

Danny’s always been pretty much a “take-charge” kind of guy, and he did. He took what was in the book, added it to what he already knew of Dina, and had her swept completely off her feet in about three days. They still have occasional problems; Dina transferred to another department for obvious reasons, and didn’t enjoy the job as much as she did because she was working for her old boss, who was a bit weak and disinterested, and Danny occasionally has a nightmare about her affair, but they’re on track, regularly intimate, and haven’t had any discussions of the affair in several months now. Dina’s now found another job, not to leave the company where the affair happened, but to find something to do she can enjoy. Things are looking up all around.

There was a lot that went into saving their relationship. It took knowing that they were right for each other – highly compatible -- and that their 22 years together was a good investment that they needed to keep. It took knowing exactly what happened and why, so that there were no grudges, feelings of guilt or betrayal, or especially unworthiness. It took knowing how to fix the problem.


These things came from my book, some personal coaching to help them get through the emotional upheaval at times, and their knowledge of each other. The biggest thing that it took was the commitment to do what was necessary to fix the problem, which was much easier to make when they had read "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and therefore knew that it could be done, what would be required, and that it was worth it.

Affairs can be avoided if you’re proactive, and they can be overcome if you’re not, as long as you know what to do and just do it. I can give you all you need to know in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” but learning it and doing it is up to you. I strongly recommend the proactive approach, because the obvious emotional upheaval of an affair can be devastating, and it’s a risk of sustaining permanent damage that you don’t have to take at all. Sometimes, the easy way out is the best possible way, and you should always take advantage of such an opportunity, because it doesn’t come around that often. Your easiest way out of this situation is waiting for you at
http://www.makingherhappy.com, so go get it and get started, because life’s too short to do things the long and hard way (unless of course you’re talking about sex!)

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

Sunday, July 20, 2008

A Funny Example of How Women Negotiate: Good Communications in Relationships and Marriage

A brilliant and very funny example of how women attempt to negotiate what they want instead of just coming out and asking.

In several editions of this newsletter and in the free report, “Break-Up Busting 101” (download your copy by following the link at the bottom of this newsletter!) I gave you a two-page excerpt from “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” that gave an example of an extreme difference in the way men and women converse, entitled “Men State, Women Negotiate.”

If you have read it, you will recall a rather lengthy and detailed description of what ensues when a woman asks a man, “Are you hungry?” (If you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor and go back and do it now, because it’s one of the most important bits of information you will ever see in print about understanding women.) This morning, I got the following joke from Mari-Jo Tyler, a sex-therapist, dating guru, comedienne and professional acquaintance in Austin, Texas (
http://www.laughintolove.com/ – tell her I said “Hi!”), sent in by one of her readers:

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Via'gra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Via'gra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

As you can see, when a woman asks you a question, she’s often not seeking information; she’s giving it to you. This woman isn’t asking if the man is hungry so much as telling him that she is, and you’ll see that a lot in your day-to-day interaction with your partner. Refer to the aforementioned book excerpt for the detailed explanation of how all this works, but due to the advanced level of communication skills almost all women are “wired” for, and their highly social nature, they don’t just blurt out a statement of what they want the way we do, they ask a question to open a negotiation forum in which they can discuss having their need fulfilled. You’ll often find that questions are statements and statements are questions when they come from a woman.

Gentlemen, you REALLY need to understand this if you want to get along well with your female partner. You’ll find that the few women who are aware that we don’t understand because of biological differences don’t expect us to come all the way up to their level because we don’t have the necessary “receptors” to pick up on all the body language and other signals they use, and they do greatly appreciate it when we work to try to develop a better understanding of how things work and recognize basic differences like this so we can work better with them.

You’ll also find that those who have no idea that we really communicate differently (and there are many!) will be thrilled when they see you starting to “tune in” and “get it,” because they’ve been thinking all along that you’ve been insensitive and ignoring them because you don’t care! You’ll see how your newly developed understanding and skill reduce their stress level, which in turn, as you hopefully know by now, ultimately reduces YOURS!

Making her happy is truly the path to ensuring your own happiness in a relationship, and what you need to know to do a supreme job of it is in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” Refer back to that excerpt in the free report mentioned above, see the level of detail and the quality of information – show it to any woman you know and she’ll verify it for you because a large group of women was involved in writing it! – and then go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy so you can start making you both happy today!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham