Saturday, March 01, 2008

Speaking of Alpha Buffoons, How Do You Handle Them? Keeping Attraction and Respect Intact in Relationships and Marriage

I told you not to be the “alpha buffoon” yesterday, but we didn’t talk about what to do when you meet one. Failure to handle him properly can cost you dearly in terms of how your wife or girlfriend sees you, no matter how “alpha” you may be yourself.

Before I get into today’s lesson, I want to note that we are slowly but surely winning the war against male wussitude at the grass roots level. While Hollywood and others seems hell-bent on turning us all into bumbling, sniveling, beta males and worse, there are those among the masses who are noticing that this is the wrong way to go and are joining in the fight. Please take a minute to read the following article by David Von Drehle of Time Magazine as posted on Yahoo! News, Entitled “
The Boys Are All Right.” It is encouraging, enlightening, and for most, entertaining as well.

To get into our lesson today, I got a letter that we need to take a good look at together. One my top guys, Dee, wrote me about an encounter with an alpha buffoon, and he learned a lesson after the encounter that he wanted to share with all of you. (I so love it when my students become teachers! That’s when I know that the lessons have really hit home and they “own” the material.) Check it out:

Hello David,

I want to tell you something I found out only two days ago that was making withdrawals from the "attraction bank." Perhaps some of your readers can benefit from my experience.

There is a man (let's call him Bill), that works for the same company as my wife and I, who is, let’s say an alpha buffoon.

A few days ago we happened to be in the office at the same time he was. There was a box a pecans which looked to be “wild” as I called them, which to me meant not from trees which are trained, pruned, etc.

He couldn't resist telling me there is no such thing as wild, only native or paper shell and proceeded to tell my wife she was married to me (like she’d made a bad decision). I popped off a few comments to him which were so far over his head he didn't even know they were insults.

Later one of the secretaries’ son was in and had been swapping punches with kids at school. For the fun of it I told the boy to go ahead and let me see what he had. I wouldn't hit him back.

Well, Bill heard and couldn't resist, said he "wanted in on it" when I told him “Let's go,” he backs out.

Bill then starts a long monologue how it's been too long since he hit someone without trying to hurt them that he better not. He bounced for so long and had been around so many top martial artists who taught him so much.

Although it was all I could do to keep from laughing in his face, I let him ramble and basically say in all his actions that I was a moron who new nothing. No one but my wife knows that I used to be an instructor of martial arts years ago, and I prefer to keep it that way. I don't brag about it.

NEVER EVER EVER let any one put you down in front of your wife no matter what.

Here's why.

When we left my wife acted like she was mad at me. Wouldn't hardly talk. (Sometimes I'm a little hard headed and my mind has been focused on business I am trying to start)

When asked, she said no, she was not mad at me. Finally, after much silence I told her to tell me. "I WISH, SOMETIMES, YOU TWO WOULD JUST FIGHT AND GET IT OVER WITH! I'M TIRED OF THE MACHO BULLS**T. You’re always at each others throats."

My response was “What did I do?”

"You didn't do anything," she said.

(I was still in not using my head yet.) And asked, “Then what is the problem? I never attacked him, he started it, I ignored it, so what did I do?”

She said that whenever he popped off "well you’re the one married to him" that she just wanted to rip him to shreds, and it was all she could do to keep her mouth shut.

David, let me tell you, it sank in then.

"Do you know why he was always that way," I asked?

"Yes, because he is afraid of you, but you eat it up, you just have such an air of confidence that people either want to be like you, or are intimidated and afraid of you," she said.

That helped her calm a little and seemed to make her feel better.

As much as I hate to I guess I am going to have to put a stop to it. With his kind usually physical is the only way to go. The bad thing, he is the owner’s nephew.

If I had told him I was at one time a teacher of self defense, it would have only shown him how pitiful he was and made it worse, for it would have shown him he was not the expert he thought he was. He would have looked the fool.

He is one of those who always know more than anyone else about everything no matter what.

I told my wife these things, and also why I refuse to let things get physical with people. All this has helped with the damage a little.

The point is, even if a woman knows some one is a buffoon she expects her man to be able to handle it in a quick, efficient manner. NOT TO IGNORE IT as has always been my custom, no matter if you don't want to waste your time and energy with such nuts.
Watch yourself around men like this if your wife is with you don't let them "seem" to be getting the upper hand.

You will be losing many attraction points.

Maybe you can use this lesson learned by me to help some one else.

Sincerely,
Dee

Dee wrote back in response to some advice I gave him about how to put a stop to it without getting physical (which I’ll get to in a minute):

Lessons learned:

It would not have bothered my wife so much, I do not believe, if there had been no one else around.

I should have put a stop to it. I allowed the protective or motherly instinct to kick in which was a no, no.

Plus, I allowed some one to seem to get the better of me. I realize it embarrassed her as there were others around.

My confidence is enough it did not bother me. As much as I hate to waste my time and energy on some one such as he, I now realize it is imperative to handle such situations quickly, not to ignore people such as he. Especially in the presence of my wife.

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. I will use that or something similar. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Dee


Those are some pretty powerful lessons, are they not? And what pleases me the most is that now that Dee’s eyes are open, he’s able to spot these things without having to be prompted – or punished by his wife! Thanks to Dee for sharing all of this, too!

The advice he thanked me for was something I picked up back in my corporate consulting days. Diffusing situations is a matter of leadership, which, by the way is an attraction-builder.

This “Bill” character is not in the chain of command, so there’s no apparent risk to anybody’s job by stomping on him a little bit. The advice was to take him aside next time he started this nonsense (by telling him, “Let’s talk over here for a minute,” instead of asking, “Can I talk to you a minute?” which establishes him as the “big dog”) and adopting a tone that is somewhere between friendly and fatherly and saying something like:

“Do you realize that you may be the only person in this company who doesn’t know that what you were doing over there is approval-seeking behavior and instead of making you look like an expert, makes you look like an ass? If you want these people’s respect, show them some. Just be yourself, and when you talk with them, ask about them, their families, and the things that interest them. They don’t care what you know or think you know about something until they ask you.

“The more you know about them, the more you’ll find that you enjoy talking with them, and the more they’ll like about you and the less you’ll embarrass yourself. For instance, I was a martial arts instructor for a lot of years, and I know you wouldn’t have said a whole lot of things you said to try to impress me about being a bouncer if you had known that. Now just lighten up and enjoy everybody’s company and you’ll see them start enjoying yours.”

That’s how you take a guy off at the knees and make him thank you for it. But the simple act of cutting his tirade short and pulling him aside shows your partner that you can take the lead and fix the problem in that situation just as well as any other, and makes her proud to be there with you instead of embarrassed because you let the buffoon get away with boring and insulting her. It doesn’t take “fisticuffs,” as they used to say, but it does take action, and action is all she needs to see.

So now the question of what to do when you meet up with the alpha buffoon has been answered, but there’s a bigger question here for you: do you want to continue to wait for these lessons to come trickling in through this newsletter or my blog posts, or do you want to grab the bull by the horns and bring yourself up to speed and be able to spot things like this yourself?

When you know what you need to know about women and how to communicate with them, it’s really pretty easy. In spite of what we were all taught growing up about how impossible a task that’s supposed to be, that knowledge does exist, has been compiled for you, and wonder of wonders, it’s easy to learn and use.

Indeed, we’re not talking about some grueling academic exercise requiring that you rearrange your schedule, take classes, and conduct all manner of experiments that stand a good chance of royally pissing off your partner. Just a few hours of light, entertaining reading and thinking.

Desperate for help? Intrigued? Or think I’m full of crap? Put it to the test! Go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and see for yourself. But a word of advice: don’t bet against success. There’s a reason these men and women write me these letters and all those testimonials on my web site… ;-)

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Friday, February 29, 2008

Be an Alpha Male, Not An Alpha Buffoon, If You Want a Great Relationship and Marriage. Do YOU Know the Difference?

There’s a fine line between being an alpha male and being a bully, buffoon, or a show-off. Know where it is, and don’t cross it!

Have you ever had a “textbook moment”? One of those occasions that provide a textbook example of exactly what to do or avoid doing in a certain situation? I have a lot of them because I look for them, and I had one over the weekend that I really need to pass along to you.

There’s a wonderful Mexican restaurant a couple of miles from my home, one of those little “hole in the wall” places that you’d probably never go into if you didn’t know how to read a parking lot to find a great restaurant (look for cars of all makes models and ages, meaning that everybody eats there, regardless of income, indicating the food is good, it’s priced affordably, and is crowded because it’s good and affordable, not because it’s trendy, in which case you usually see only late-model high-end cars – an old pick-up truck parked next to a new BMW is a great clue, especially for Mexican cuisine and barbecue!).

The place is in the middle of nowhere and is packed all day and all evening, every day of the week, and it’s a great place to watch people. As you’ve noticed if you’ve ever done much of it, people-watching in a restaurant comes with its risks, such as the risk of having to endure an insufferable drunken buffoon at the table next to you while you’re trying to enjoy a good meal and your partner’s company. Such was the case Saturday night.

We walked in, and this really pretentious jackass was standing up at his table, trying to order the serving staff around in Spanish, and changing the dinner and drink orders of those at the table with him because he thought he knew what they wanted better than they did; every other sentence ended with, “Trust me, I come here all the time.”

My Spanish is poor at best, but I heard this guy order a fence for one of his friends and a bathtub for another; the waiters kept having to question his selections in English and he was being abusive to them because of it. Even worse, he had had too much to drink, and was trying to justify his own inebriation (at 6:30PM) by forcing alcohol on the other guests, including one woman who was obviously about to give birth and another man whom I know to be a reformed alcoholic. Are you getting the picture?

What this man either didn’t know and apparently didn’t care enough to learn (he was in his late fifties) was that what he was doing was not alpha male behavior, and did not remotely resemble leadership. He was loud, obnoxious, over-bearing, and generally annoying to everyone within earshot, and I’m sure from the expressions on their faces that he was downright offensive to the majority of people sitting at the table with him after trying to force an alcoholic beverage on a pregnant woman and an alcoholic. Nobody was having a good time, and would you care to guess how his wife was reacting to this?

You could see the storm building, and lightning struck when he stood and yelled at a waiter across the room, got his name wrong for the fourth time, and tried to get him to bring “Maggie-ritas” to the pregnant woman and alcoholic for the second time. She grabbed the tail of his sport coat, yanked him down in his seat very hard, and said, “You have embarrassed our guests more than enough, and me for the last time,” with such venom that it was clear that she was either going to kill him or divorce him when they got home.

True leadership, that thing that excites women to no end when they see it, is about initiating action, not dominating it against others’ will. It’s about being decisive, not dictatorial. It’s about being authoritative, not autocratic. For example, if when they arrived he had said, “I come here often, and I strongly recommend their Fajitas Supremo and Enchiladas Especial, as well as their Margaritas,” that would have been great, but trying to impress everyone by barking bogus orders in a language he couldn’t speak and changing people’s food and drink orders (not to mention ordering alcohol for a pregnant woman and a reformed alcoholic who had ordered iced tea) was beyond bad; his wife was mortified, and rightfully so! As you can guess, mortifying your wife with obnoxious behavior is not the way to entice her to join you in the bedroom for dessert.

You can’t command respect as long as you are seeking approval. Is it obvious to you that this is the underlying reason for this man’s behavior? He’s not a leader, not knowledgeable of a foreign language, doesn’t hold his liquor as well as he should to be drinking in public, and plainly sucks as a host. He’s a “wannabe,” not the real deal, and knows it. His efforts to try to impress everyone around him are in fact an attempt to gain their approval, and is indeed subordinating himself, not elevating himself to the post of a leader. Bad move. “Nuff said.

Not everyone is a born leader, but anyone who steps up can lead if they know what leadership is about. People will naturally follow anyone who steps up to lead if they do nothing more than project self-respect, a noticeable level of confidence, and appear to be acting out of common sense instead of hysterical frenzy. It doesn’t have to be in a critical situation; making a decision to go to the beach and getting everybody and everything together to do it and enjoy it creates just as much excitement for a woman to watch as you ordering a work crew around, which is considerable if you do it like a leader and not a wannabe or a dictator.

For those who don’t quite grasp the concept, the bully or control freak barks out orders, like “Everybody drop what you’re doing and grab your stuff. We’re going to the beach, and don’t aggravate me by making us late, or else!” Participants are threatened with punishment if they don’t go along with the bossy person in his quest to have a good time.

The social approval-seeker is on the opposite end of the scale. He lobbies, almost apologetically, to get his way: “Wouldn’t you like to go to the beach today? I mean, it seems like everybody has fun there when we go. Can’t we all just get our stuff and head out there and try to have a good time?” Note all the negativity, telegraphing the expectation of a bad time, not a good one.

The leader’s approach is irresistible: “Hey everybody! Let’s jump in the car and head for the beach! The weather’s great, and we’ve all earned some fun. C’mon!” Not irrationally exuberant, but visibly excited about the prospect of having some quality time and expecting to do so.

Learning and doing little things like this can make you an entirely new person, in your eyes and hers. It makes you feel better about yourself, and anything that makes you feel better about yourself will get your partner’s attention. The strangest divorce-stopping story I’ve ever heard was told by one of your fellow readers (congratulations again, Dale!), who was promoted to a managerial position near the end of the divorce negotiations.

His pay increase was so marginal that it had no bearing on the situation. The promotion put a different image of him in her head, one of a man leading a group of people, where she had formerly regarded him as “a prairie dog in a cube farm” (a guy who sits in an office cubicle day after day, raising his head to watch other people come and go while he is going nowhere), and her response was, “I didn’t know you had it in you, so I’m sticking around to see what else you might surprise me with.” That was her way of expressing new-found respect. I wasn’t surprised when he told me about it, and after he finished reading “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” he wasn’t surprised either. Why?

Because he then knew about attraction, both how to create it and how to kill it. He also understood communicating with women well enough to understand that when his wife said she was sticking around to see what else he might surprise her with that she was giving him instructions and success criteria. She liked seeing him succeed, liked seeing what it had done to him, liked being surprised, and expected him to understand and continue instead of falling into another rut and leaving her bored to death. Would you have understood that from what she said?

If not, go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your own copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” right now, before you do another thing, because you need to know what makes women tick, what they want, and how to correctly interpret and act upon what they tell you. That knowledge will stop a divorce from ever starting, and stops one cold that’s already happening in many circumstances, because most divorces are initiated by women, and most are initiated because a woman gets bored after attraction is lost and the man can’t understand her when she tries to tell him what’s happening and how to fix it.

Protect yourself and your family by becoming one of us guys who know what most men don’t, what women want and how to listen to them, because life’s too short to have to start it over in the middle if you don’t have to.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Understanding Emotional Scales: Key to Great Relationships and Marriage

MUST READ: Men’s and Women’s emotional scales are calibrated very differently, and understanding how can literally make the difference in being happy and being divorced.

You know how seldom I put the words “MUST READ” in a title or summary, and I promise it will be worth your time to read this time, too.

If I could teach everyone on this planet only one thing above all others to help them get along better, not just in intimate, committed relationships, but in ALL inter-gender relationships, it would be a hard choice between our difference in communication skills and protocols and the difference in the structure our emotional scales. Both are critical to getting along well, and if I had to choose one, I’d feel like I was being asked by King Solomon to cleave and split a child between two mothers, because the two are so indispensable; the absence of either spells disaster.

I’ll discuss communication protocols again sometime this week, but today I want to focus on these emotional scales. One you your fellow readers contacted me in crisis a few weeks ago and now has his situation under control, thanks mainly to the understanding of these two points. (His attraction skills were already fairly strong and needed only minimal improvement once he realized he had let them slide.) He’s agreed to allow me to share excerpts from our discussions to help explain both the concept and how important it is to any relationship.

Here’s an excerpt from one of his status reports:

...It quickly rolled into the "emotional scale" speech, which she seemed to really listen to - I think it's starting to sink in, and makes sense to her. Taking it slow has allowed her to process that and buy-in piece by piece. Honestly, David, if that were your sole contribution to the world, you should be famous for it. I'm not sure of its origins, but it's absolutely brilliant. Applies to all men and women, and the only trick to applying it is to understand that each woman has different levels of tolerance and varying coping abilities. I was able to give her an awesome example for evidence - a fight we had years ago - that also included a basic communication problem as well, and one where she's always ‘fought to win,’ and never admitted her role in the thing. Tonight, her silence told me she's seeing it, or admitting it to herself. There were a few instances of her processing those things and allowing that she was partially at fault. Big step for her lately - she used to do it, but hasn't at all lately.

An excerpt from my response, just for clarity:

As for the emotional scale thing, that was my own, something I've noticed in working with all these women. I looked for weeks on Google and everywhere else for any mention of it, and never found it. I find it utterly absurd that the psychological community has either missed or ignored it, but the psych community is academian and mostly liberal by nature, and it's been a long time since pointing out any differences in men and women was "politically correct.”

(That’s not a political slam against liberals, just a statistical view of relevant environmental conditions, so if you feel your buttons being pressed, stop; the comment is entirely benign.)

And here’s “the emotional scale speech,” as he called it, a suggestion for explaining to his wife why she had done some things that she was feeling very guilty for and why he had failed to recognize her problem and do something about it:

I just read a thing about the difference between how men and women build, process, and prioritize emotions, and it sounded weird at first, but after looking back it makes a lot of sense. Our emotional scales are different, at least with regard to what we need to feel to be comfortable. My emotional scale or range runs from extreme negative to extreme positive, with neutral being in the middle of the scale.

The female scale or range runs from neutral, or emotionless, to extremely emotionally charged, overwhelmed even, with little to no discrimination between positive and negative emotion. Both of us are most comfortable when we are just slightly 'to the right' of the middle of the scale, me feeling a little positive (too much positive makes a man irrational and silly) and you being just a little more emotionally charged than the center of your emotional range (too much emotion, positive or negative, with no way to vent it overloads you as well.)

What's really interesting is that we act similar when we are at the same place on our scale. Being bored to you feels the same as being scared or angry feels to me: agitated, desperate, ready to do anything, even if it's wrong, to change the situation, and potentially irrational. We’re both very comfortable just a little to the opposite side of the center of the scale, and at the far right, we get irrational, overwhelmed, and don't know what to do next, and have a strong tendency to do the wrong thing because our inhibitions and discipline go right out the window.

One of the points it brought out of that is that men are naturally a bit comfortable with emotional neutrality, at least for a short time, while it is downright torturous for a woman. I never realized it was such an issue until I read that, and now that I know, I'll never let a woman be bored in my presence again, because I won't see someone tortured like that.


A couple of weeks have passed since that discussion, and it has apparently really produced understanding, some forgiveness, and cooperation where none was possible before. His last comment follows:

You've really, really got to get that "emotional scale" idea out there - everyone will steal it, but if you put some marketing behind it, you can retain credit as the source. Maybe there's a visual you could create so it instantly made sense to those who see it.

That’s quite an accolade, having a reader see something as so important as to want to protect the author’s ownership of a concept that he paid to learn. Think about that for a minute…it would take some pretty significant results to convert a “reader” into a “disciple” in any case, would it not?

Learn this concept and keep it in the front of your mind at all times. Recognize when the women in your life are bored, and try to do something about it whenever and however it’s appropriate. You’ll find yourself attaining a sort of hero status among them, and triggering a lot of appreciation, cooperation, and nurturing. A coworker will watch your back and try to help you out, a friend will be more attentive and supportive, and your partner will reward you with the relationship of your dreams, as long as you don’t blow it by engaging in wussy, deceitful, or abusive behavior.

How do you do something about it? Sometimes a kind or funny word or two will do it, sometimes a smile, sometimes a surprise or even an adventure. It varies from woman to woman, mood to mood, and setting to setting, and there is no laundry list that will get you through. If you need a rule of thumb that will fit all situations, here it is:

“Attraction is any and every woman's ultimate salvation from boredom.”

There is nothing bad that can come from just being a confident, fun leader at any time and many great things that can come from it, so if you’re doing what you should be doing as a man, no woman will ever be able to be bored while you’re around. But your partner deserves more, right? She’s the one you share everything with, and the one you’re trying to fix things for so you can spend the rest of your life with her. For her, you must learn more about women: what they want, what makes them tick, how to listen to and understand them, how to speak to them, and what flips their attraction switches, among other things.

Are you a guy who likes a single source to fill in a whole lot of gaps? I certainly do; the older I get, the more I try to find ways of simplifying everything. If simplifying your life sounds good to you – and you won’t believe how much having a great relationship with your partner will simplify your life until you actually experience it – then you need to jump over to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and get up to speed, fast and easy, and start clearing some of the relationship clutter, nuisances, and even disasters out of your life.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Can You Do What Works to Fix YOUR Relationship and Marriage? Sure You Can, and It's FUN!

A great example from an average guy of how to turn an uncomfortable situation into an instant attraction builder, the kind of thing that can stop a divorce cold in its tracks.

I hope your week is going well. Mine is going great. I’ve received some truly wonderful success stories over the last few days, and I’d like to share one with you today. These stories always make my day, because they confirm not only that the information in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” will make a positive impact on any relationship in which it is employed, but also that any man can put it to good use and turn his life and relationship around, regardless of history, personality, etc.

Meet Jay:

Hi David,

I just had to tell someone about an incredible response I had from my wife's best friend. This woman has never liked me, she even told my wife not to marry me. I have not told my wife or anyone else that I have your book, but I have been using it to slowly change my attitude back to they way I was before I became "whipped".

Anyway, back to the best friend story. My wife and I were at a community event when she started to tell her friend that we had enrolled in ballroom dance lessons. I was very self-conscious about everyone knowing this. But to shift the attention from me I began to tease her friend and bust on her for not really being able to dance herself. After a few minutes of quick verbal jabs between us, she grabbed my arm and said, "I've never seen this side of you before, you’re a bad boy."

During the entire exchange I had my arm around my wife holding her while she was holding onto me. When we got home we barely got our children to bed before she jumped me right in the kitchen. It was of the most intense sexual encounters of our life. The attraction between us seems to grow stronger every day. I just had to tell someone! I never knew how good I could have it, until I started acting like a man, and not apologize for it.

Thanks,
Jay

Jay’s been married over ten years, and in the last year they were talking about divorce, before Jay read “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” As you can see, he’s not only turned things around on the home front, he’s reaping the benefits of understanding inter-gender communications and attraction all around him. Think about what’s happened in this scenario for a minute…

Jay was uncomfortable about having something private like those dance lessons disclosed publicly, but he knew from reading "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" that women talk about everything and that she may have even been talking about it in front of him to put him on the spot and test his mettle. He knew that jumping down her throat for putting him on the spot was the wrong thing to do because it telegraphs insecurity. He also knew that leadership is attractive and exciting to women and bullying or throwing a tantrum repels them, and he took charge of the conversation and led it in a different direction, using what he knew of creating attraction to not only shift the focus of the discussion, but make it fun and interesting for the women. But that’s not all…

He knew that the approval of his partner’s best friend is a huge benefit in his own relationship because of the reinforcement or damage she can provide with his partner, and he knew that approval-seeking behavior is a great way to instantly become disgusting and repulsive to any woman, so instead of seeking her approval, he did something that left her no choice but to approve: he expressed his approval of her by joking and flirting with her! That could have blown up in his face, but…

With his new understanding of how women think and what they want, he understood that it was critical that while he was flirting with his partner’s best friend that he define the bonds and boundaries in the situation by remaining in physical and visual contact with his wife, which he did by keeping his arm around her waist (and probably frequently looking at her as they laughed together while he picked on her friend). Do you understand what happened here?

In flirting with the best friend and invoking attraction in her, he created an air of “social validation” for his partner. She didn’t just enjoy seeing him acting like a man, she saw that her friend also enjoyed it and saw her involuntary signals as she responded to the attraction he created, heightening her own attraction for him. The end result?

Short-term, a mind-blowing experience in the kitchen that exceeded anything he had known previously, and in the long-term, their bond is now stronger because she is more attracted to him and enjoys him more. As long as Jay continues to just act naturally, based on what he has learned, and just let himself act like the charming, witty leader that he is, his wife’s pleasure in having him around will continue to escalate in a slow, sustainable manner for the rest of their life together.

Something that Jay may not yet realize, but will soon, is that now that he is attracting her friends as well, every time she talks with her friends about him, all these memories she is building of his attractive behavior will wash over her like a flood, and be amplified by the envy of her friends – he now has the help of her entire network of friends to bring her even closer to him.

When Jay first wrote to me, he sounded like about every other guy who writes; he knew there were some shortcomings, knew he needed to fix them, and knew he needed some good information to do so. He got the information, and put it to use instead of sitting around like a wuss saying, “Can I do this?”

Don’t bother asking if you can do it. You can! Take Nike’s lead and “Just do it!” All you need is the same good information that Jay had.

So it’s your choice. Do you sit on the fence or do you finally hop off the fence and step up to the plate? The people who are hopping off the fence are hitting, and you’re up. Your options are to pass the bat, and eventually let your family be broken up and lose half or more of everything you own, or step up, download your copy at
http://www.makingherhappy.com, and swing for the fence, keeping your family together and all that stuff you’ve worked half your life or more to earn and save. Quitters never win, and winners never quit, so go for it, right now, because life’s too short to spend it sitting on the fence watching everybody else enjoy their life.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Is Your Relationship or Marriage Working FOR You or AGAINST You?

There’s only one way to have a great relationship, and that’s to choose one that works for you instead of against you. Do you know how to do it? I’ll show you…

Often I hear people say things like, “I’m just going to stay single because being in a relationship takes too much work,” or, “I’ve never been in a good relationship, and I don’t think I could find one if it jumped up and bit me.” That’s really sad, and so untrue. I’ll tell you why, but first, Meet Leo:

Dear David,

What can I say, but I am completely different person than I was 3 months ago. A friend of mine told me about your book and how it made such a huge difference in her husband that she feels like she is living with a different person. I thought that was great for her but since I was a single man what could I possibly learn from it? Boy I was wrong!

I started reading your book and using the information I was gaining while dating other women and it was fantastic. Learning to be an Alpha Male is not just limited to guys who are married or who are trying to save their marriage, and not all it takes to find and enjoy a great relationship. Using what I learned from your book I started to date women who I could really have a relationship with instead of just being out there playing the hit and miss game.

Defining myself and what I wanted in a partner and a relationship made it easy to find women who I was attracted to and that I could talk with and share my life. Your “be slow to hire, quick to fire” advice and all the tips on reading and communicating with women enabled me to filter out the poor choices and spend more time looking for and enjoying good choices.

It took a few tries, but I have met some of the most wonderful women, and I really think there is one in particular that could go all the way. The feeling we have for each other or real and the attraction is so strong we have a hard time acting our age sometimes, and we can talk for hours and hours without getting bored. That all-important connection is there, and it’s so strong that we feel as if we’ve known each other since childhood, and it’s only been a few weeks.

Thanks for everything!
Leo

Congratulations, Leo, and thanks for writing. I’m glad you’re getting so much out of my book. There really is some work that needs to be done to have a great relationship, but as you’ve learned, it’s not the “walking on eggshells” routine that so many mismatched couples find themselves living with every day. It’s nearly all best performed on the front-end…

Before you can have a great relationship with a woman, you have to know yourself, and you have to know what kind of person you want and can get along with. If the person you want and the person you can get along with well are two different people, then you will have to go through a little self-improvement to be compatible with the person you want to live and enjoy life with.

For instance, if you want someone who will frequently travel to Italy with you on business and/or pleasure trips, it would be good if she spoke Italian, liked Italian food, and liked to travel, and it would also be good if you spoke the language as well so the two of you could remain fluent in between trips. It gives you common ground, something to do together, etc.

By the same token, if you want someone with an athletic build, you may have to take up a genuine interest in personal fitness and get fit yourself to present an image compatible with what such a person wants, because if they are interested in personal fitness, they may also prefer a partner that is committed to good health, will go to the gym or other activity with them, will have a compatible diet and can enjoy the same foods, etc.

You also have to be able to communicate fluently with women to be able to tell whether you really have that compatibility or if you’re sitting across the table from a lonely desperate person who has a bit of acting talent. I’m not at all implying that all lonely women will try to “hook” or “trap” a man any more than I would imply the same about men. When people get lonely, they will stretch themselves a bit to try to fit in with other people, and since being around others feels better than being alone, they may also think that this new thing they’ve picked up, whether an activity, attitude, or whatever, that is totally foreign to them is a good thing because it brought them company that they needed, and they try to keep up something that really isn’t them, and over time, they decide it isn’t working for them and the relationship falls apart.

You need to be able to communicate with women well enough that you can spot this early, and be able to communicate it to them in a way that will let you keep things honest and even break it off if necessary without leaving either of you feeling like you’ve been attacked. There’s a big difference between admitting that “your personalities don’t mesh” and trying to admit that “you’re not good enough.”

As I’ve said many times, the rules for creating attraction are somewhat different in the game of attracting new people than in keeping a good relationship alive and exciting, and there are other gurus, like John Alanis
and Shelley McMurtry, who can give you great advice on meeting new people. My focus is on an exciting and enjoyable long-term relationship, which starts with understanding what those kind of relationships are about and being prepared to find one and keep it alive. I’ll show you what to look for, and they’ll show you how to meet women and filter out the bad candidates quickly so you can focus on the better candidates and really check them out well with what I teach you.

That’s where “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” will serve you well. If you’re not in a relationship it will help you be able to find a great one, and if you’re in one, it will help you either make it better or recognize that it can’t go anywhere because of irreconcilable differences and get out, hopefully without starting World War III and bankrupting yourself in the process. No matter where you are with regard to a satisfying long-term committed relationship, there’s high-quality, tested, proven, guaranteed help for you at
http://www.makingherhappy.com. Go get it and get started now, right now, before you do anything else, because life is definitely too short to spend it frustrated, lonely, angry, bored, cheating, and/or celibate, and with this help, you can fix and prevent them all.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Use Natural "Guy Drive" to Improve Your Relationship and Marriage

Guys are naturally tinkerers and tweakers, so why don’t we channel that natural energy into tuning up and dialing in our relationships or our marriage?

I thought of this several days ago, and I’ve been stewing over it ever since. There is something that all of us do, one way or another, that is so distinctly masculine that it’s included in any stereotype of men. We just can’t leave well enough alone.

We can buy a perfectly good car, and can’t rest until we’ve customized something, or souped something up. We buy a computer, and have to tinker with all the settings to try to squeeze every last ounce of performance out of it, even if it’s already so blazing fast that it’s obscene. We sharpen a knife or tool until it’s sharp, and then keep going until it will shave, and then shave cleanly, and then shave so cleanly that we can’t feel the blade taking the hair off of our forearm. We’ll shoot a 70 at the golf course and spend another thousand dollars on training videos and consultations with a golf pro to shoot a 69 next time. And the list goes on and on…

So why the hell don’t we spend any time or effort trying to trick out our relationship or marriage until we’re threatened with losing it??? Does that make even a little sense to you? Frankly, I find it downright embarrassing!

The masculine brain is physically and chemically configured for problem-solving and optimizing, and we’ll flat burn it up trying to squeeze one more mile per gallon or one more tenth of a second in the quarter mile out of our car, or rigging some kind of sharpening jig for a hand tool blade, or a cutting jig to get that line just a little straighter, and we’ll get down on our knees with our ass higher than our head in a public place to check the lay of the ground around the hole we want a golf ball to go into without a second thought, yet we waste this most amazing of all resources on this planet when it comes to getting along with the woman we love!

Gentlemen, that’s just insane! If you’re going to engineer something, or optimize something, make it something that really counts, and something with unlimited potential for payback, like your marriage! This may come as a shock to you, but “optimizing” a relationship or marriage can be more fun and rewarding than any other pursuit you can name! Just imagine a life that’s filled with love, fun, adventure, sex, and laughter, and devoid of eye-rolling, fit-pitching, being screamed at for something that never happened, etc. You want some of that? Yeah, I though so.

So I’m going to keep this short today, and issue a challenge to every man on the planet. Use your greatest natural resource, your brain, and that wonderful thing, whatever it is, that makes us push to make things the absolute best they can be, to bring your relationship and/or marriage up to a level where you can both enjoy it to the exclusion of all else. Once you have that done, and while maintaining it, turn your energy to your children, and your career, and any other worthwhile pursuit.

Get your priorities straight, take responsibility for the condition of your relationship or marriage, and channel your natural talents and energy where they can do you the most good. Who cares that you golfed a 69 last weekend if while you were doing it your wife was sitting with a bunch of women bitching about how inattentive you are, or worse, holed up in a hotel room somewhere with another man laughing about what a moron you are? It may not be that bad yet, and if you get on the ball right now, it will get better before it has a chance to get that bad.

And I’ll give you a leg up, too, the relationship tweaker’s encyclopedia. It’s called "THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and you can download your copy at
http://www.makingherhappy.com right now and be getting your relationship or marriage dialed in within just a few minutes. Or you can go play another nine holes or put new plugs in the hot rod while your wife is fantasizing about the gardener. It’s your call. Make the right one.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Sunday, February 24, 2008

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Desperation: The Great Destroyer of Relationships and Marriage

What’s the old saying? “Desperate times call for desperate measures…”? Well, maybe, but the last thing they call for are desperate people making a bigger mess of things. How do you handle trouble in your relationship? Do you act desperate and go out of your way to try to please your partner? That kind of wuss behavior makes things worse, not better!

I got the strangest call from a friend in Phoenix, and I have to share some of the details with you. My friend Jake, a man’s man if ever there was one, called and said he and his wife of 22 years were suddenly having a lot of trouble, and he was scared to death he was going to lose her. I was instantly in shock when I heard this, because I’ve known him since we were at the Air Force Academy together in the early 1980’s, and “fear” is one word I could never put in the same sentence with his name, unless it was to say he had none for anything or anyone.

As an example, Jake and his wife met sky-diving. Her chute failed to open, he saw it, chased her and caught her in the air before opening his own, and they had never met before that other than sharing the ride up to jump altitude. He sort of reminds me of the character “Swoop” in the Wesley Snipes movie “Drop Zone,” just a fearless maniac, and his wife is just like him.

Getting back to the call, Jake’s business had started to slow down, and he had some severe personal catastrophes (simultaneous deaths of both parents and a brother in a car accident, robbery at this house, and his wife nearly car-jacked – didn’t happen because she was armed!) within a very short period of time, and the pressure got to him and understandably “rattled” him a bit. He started sticking a little closer to his wife, and she subconsciously started picking up on wuss signals and losing interest in him after 22 years, which REALLY rattled him, and in a weakened state he wussed completely out and said to her, for the first time in 22 years, “I need you,” instead of “I love you.” You can guess what happened next…

She went ballistic! Now remember, these are two of the most fiercely independent and fearless people I’ve ever met, and I’ve been among the cream of the world’s crop. This started a cycle, the same cycle that always sets in when a “scarcity mentality” (as John Alanis puts it) sets in, a cycle of one partner getting insecure and needier and the other partner rejecting them more because of it, which in turn feeds the insecurity and intensifies the neediness, which amplifies the rejection, etc. Jake became desperate and did what desperate men do in a relationship – he wussed out and made it worse!

Desperation is a state of fear, the strongest of emotions, that borders on terror; you’re still able to act where terror would immobilize you entirely, but you’re completely unable to think and proceeding entirely on emotion. Here’s a big, BIG tip: Real-world problems require real-world solutions. Desperate problems and desperate people still require real-world solutions. When you ignore reality, things don’t get better, they get worse! Jake knew from 22 years of living with his wife how she would react to him being a wuss, and he did it anyway! He lost sight of reality! Needless to say, when I pointed this out to him, he did the typical alpha male thing and spent a minute kicking his own ass, then said, “I gotta do some serious damage control, and yeah, I know what to do. I’ll call ya in a day or two when the smoke clears,” and hung up. I can hear the conversation that followed with his wife:

“Yeah, dammit, I freaking wussed out because everything came at once and the stress just got to me. I haven’t forgotten who I am and I certainly haven’t forgotten who you are, either. I’m going to apologize for the wuss act, for no other reason than because after 22 years of being married to you, I know that wussing out on you was just plain freaking insulting, and you didn’t deserve it. I talked to Dave (I hate it when he calls me that and I swear I think he does it just to yank my chain!) and he told me I’ve had my head up my ass and he’s right, so it’s over and not going to happen again. Now get over here and gimme me some lovin’, you saucy-looking wench, so I can get back to work.”

Obviously, not everyone would or should handle that situation exactly that way, but that’s Jake and the way he handles things is blunt and head-on, a text-book example of an Alpha Male, and his wife is the same way, at least to the extent that women can be. She’ll know the crisis is past because he’s acting like himself and not seeking her approval anymore, which is what she’s looking for to know that things are back to normal. For them, it took a few seconds to patch things up, as I’m sure he’ll tell me about in a few days when he gets a new handle on business, takes some time to grieve for his lost parents, etc., but for an average couple, it would probably take a few days to a couple of weeks to turn things back around because entering into wuss mode is a pretty serious offense, as is the failure to recognize reality and think before you act.

Speaking of which, I’m going to mention as another example of what desperation can do to you something that happened to one of you. I’m not going to reprint his e-mails because I haven’t asked for his permission to use them, but this is too compelling an example to not use here. He wrote saying his wife had filed for divorce after they had had a wonderful dating period and marriage which suddenly went south when their first child was born because they started behaving differently. He still had the presence of mind to recognize from these newsletters that he had slipped into wuss mode, but failed to notice the significance of several of the details he mentioned in the newsletter.

First, she had filed for divorce, but was telling him that she still cared about him and they still got along well, and had even been out to dinner together alone (without their child). Say it with me, Ladies, loud and clear so the men will hear you: “She testing him and/or trying to provoke him to kick him out of wuss mode!” Also, she said she had just lost her “deep feelings” for him. Ladies??? Yep, ATTRACTION was gone because he was in wuss mode. And the kicker: he said he couldn’t afford a copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage”! Could he then afford the legal fees, alimony, child support, and property settlement coming down the pike from the impending divorce??? The dinner date probably cost more than the book, and could make every dinner he had with her for the rest of his life something exciting!

I took the better part of a couple of hours to analyze everything he had said and sent him back a list of significant details and indications that had missed, including the above points, and a short time later I saw an e-mail notification from my merchant account company where he had bought the book and a “thank you” letter from him for helping him get his feet back on the ground, and a few hours after that was another e-mail saying he was half-way through the book, was already recognizing some of the signals in their conversations and a lot of his previous wuss behavior, and extremely excited. Seeing a plan start forming and realizing that there is action you can take to make a difference can eliminate feelings of desperation in the blink of an eye, but none of that can happen if you ignore reality and the lessons it holds for you while in a state of fearful desperation.

Don’t let what happened to these couples happen in your home. Learn how to communicate with your partner on a level that neither of you dared dream of, and learn what it takes to continuously and automatically keep her excited, interested, and attracted to you, and she will return your effort many-fold. For us men, it takes some effort, but for the ladies in our lives, it’s automatic – they are biologically wired to take care of us as long as we take care of them. They still must expend effort and energy to do so, but they don’t have to make a conscious effort to figure out how like we do, and enjoy doing it when given the opportunity. That’s why I chose the name for my web site, makingherhappy.com, because the key to a happy and harmonious relationship really is in making HER happy, keeping that attraction alive and well, being the alpha male that your “Y” chromosome gives you the infrastructure to be, having fun with her being the naughty boy, tripping her triggers so that all those wonderful and entirely automatic responses we love happen.

When you think about it, love, attraction, and an appropriate level of respect, commitment, and responsibility are really all women ask of us in return for all the wonderful nurturing, partnership and intimacy they are prepared to give us, and in that light it doesn’t seem like a lot to ask, does it? Don’t ignore reality. You probably already have everything it takes to knock her socks off except the know-how (you knew how at one time or it happened naturally, else you probably wouldn’t be in a long-term relationship or marriage, would you?), and the know-how is in my book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” Go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy right now and make things right, before you find yourself in that desperate downward spiral.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham