Tuesday, October 07, 2008

The Good, the Bad, and the Naughty: What Women REALLY Want When They Say "Bad Boy"

There seems to be a lot of confusion concerning how women relate to “nice guys” and “bad boys.” Let’s clarify…

The word is finally getting out that when it comes to getting along with women, nice guys finish last – or are finished before they get started! – but as usual, the language being used to discuss what’s happening is inaccurate and misleading because there are too many “artistic liberties” being taken with the facts and their expression.

In the 1980’s we thought we were being told that women wanted a “nice guy.” What we were really being told was that women wanted a guy who was a manly man, and who wouldn’t do things like verbally and physically abuse them, lay around drunk while they brought home the bacon, etc., and would be at least marginally aware and considerate of their feelings. Hence, we ended up hearing “experts” tell us that we should do really stupid things like cry in front of our women while watching their tear-jerking movies, defer all decisions to them to compensate for chauvinism, etc.

That didn’t work too well, did it? If it had, you wouldn’t be reading this!

Now it’s happening again, only this time, the phrase that is being bandied about like a cheap bromide is “bad boy.” Every woman wants a bad boy. Well, I have news for you: NO, SHE DOESN’T! At least not the real deal…

A bad boy is that abusive, worthless parasite or predator who lets her support him and beats the hell out of her in return; a psychopath or sociopath. Women are not looking for a man to abuse them, at least not if they are mentally and emotionally healthy.

When a woman says she wants a bad boy, what is she really wanting? You’ll find clues posted all over the Internet. To wit, consider these answers to the question, “Why do good girls love bad boys?”:

“They add spice to our good girl lives. They make us feel wild and sexy.”

“They excite us because they are so different from us. They’re the guys our parents warned us about.”

“They put passion into our sometimes boring, structured lifestyle.”

“They aren’t afraid to argue with us, and they usually win. We know they won’t come crawling back.”

“They represent rebellion, excitement, and steamy sex all at once. We’re under their spell.”

“They are hungry, unpredictable and a little bit dangerous”

“They make us feel sexy merely by the fact that they want us. You’ve got to be hot to catch a bad boy.”

“They have mastered that sly come-hither stare. “

“They can sweep us off our feet before we even know what hit us, and we love that rush.”

“They are irresistible because they know they’re hot.”

“They know what they want, and they usually get it.”

“With them there’s never a dull moment. You never know what they’ll do next”

“They don’t feel tied down to any one woman, and we love the challenge”

“They’re not afraid to break out of dating norms. Actually, most dates are just hooking up.”

“The word insecurity is not in their vocabulary. They don’t care what others think.”

“They are usually strong-willed and sexually aggressive.”

“They make us feel safe because they’re not intimated by anyone else.”

“They usually can’t be negotiated with, but when you get your way, it’s way exciting.”

“They are unpredictable. They keep you on your toes. (Duplicate! “Never a dull moment”).”

“They are untouchable for most women (depending on where you want to touch!).”

“They bring out the sexual animal in us because we don’t feel the need to be ladylike.”

“They take charge in all the right ways whether we admit we like it or not.”

“They live life on their own terms. “

“Because they can be extremely charming and unquestionably passionate. We love the challenge of reaching them.”

“They act with authority even when they have no right to.”

“They flirt with other women. It drives us crazy and makes us want them more.”

“They can’t be tested (or trusted most of the time!)”

“They are independent and throw caution to the wind.”

“Because they exude confidence at all times, making even the most secure women try harder.”

“They seduce us without even trying. And we feel like we’ve got to work hard to seduce them at times.”

“They are the right mix of mysterious and elusive. We never feel smothered but sort of wish we could.”

“They carry on as if women aren’t important to them. We want to be the one that matters.”

“They encourage us to be a little bit bad. They love it when we’re a lot bad!”

“We can be as obnoxious as we want, and we know they will always act worse. (Women need to be lead into being bad when a man is around!)”

“They show us a better time than responsible, upstanding guys. We try to fight this gut reaction, but we can’t. (Attraction is biological, not logical!)”

“They make us feel incredible when they do pay attention to us. The little things matter so much more.”

“They love their lives and aren’t bound by the rules of society. We want to let loose with them. (Again, needing to be lead to being bad.)”

“They have a lot of energy, and we can’t wait to see just how they plan to use it.”

“They are always a challenge. Who can resist a challenge?”

“They keep us on our toes and make us less selfish. They won’t put up with it.”

“They are our little “projects” to nurture and change, but if they do, we eventually dump them for another bad boy! (Challenge to see if they can make us a wuss and destroy our manhood, and toss us if they succeed! Diabolical!)”

“They have devilishly playful personalities and a twinkle in their eyes. We never know what they’re really thinking.”

What do these things tell you? Do you see any mention of a woman wanting a criminal, a loser, a bum, an abuser, a parasite, or a predator? No, you don’t.

So what DO you see?

You see attributes of a NAUGHTY BOY! A guy who is self-confident, self-respectful, self-directed, marches to the beat of his own drum, and isn’t caught up in being prim, proper, and polite at all times. BUT…

This must be kept in context! The context of these statements is concerning what a woman finds fun and exciting in, predominately in her DATING life! The rules are different when you are in a committed, long-term relationship, married or not, but especially when the two of you are sharing a mortgage, kids, etc., or can you see that?

Total unpredictability is fun and exciting for a woman to see in a man on the street, or in one she’s having a “fling” with, but in a long-term relationship, unpredictability must be balanced with responsibility, fatherhood, and a lot of other things. Your wife enjoys not knowing what you are going to do next insomuch that it entertains her, not that it scares the living hell out of her.

Hence, coming home and announcing that you’re taking her on a surprise picnic or day trip that the family can afford or have taken on a new, non-life-threatening hobby tickles her to death, where coming home and announcing that you quit your job for no apparent reason or have decided to leave and go to Japan to study nin jitsu so you can enter a career as a bodyguard or something equally outlandish is not going to go over well at all. Indeed, you’ll be lucky if you live through it with your marriage and dignity intact.

It’s a difficult balance, much more difficult than in the dating world. In the dating world, a “rebel without a clue” can go for years, bouncing from woman to woman and never allowing any of them to get close enough to see what a loser he really is and have all kinds of fun, but when you live with her, it’s another story entirely. One of the keys to success is to remember that when a woman is single, she only sees a “bad boy” infrequently, and spends the rest of her time dreaming about it. What does this tell you?

That you need to engage in this naughty boy behavior erratically, not all the time. Turning it on and off so that you can still competently fulfill the role of breadwinner (whether solo or with your partner), husband, father, homeowner, groundskeeper, investor, etc., is not only important, it makes it more effective, because it provides both contrast and the opportunity for her to see you doing other very attractive things, like being a confident and competent leader, craftsman, protector, and whatever else you can be confident and competent doing.

It’s about shaking her up a bit to break the boredom, not taking on a full-time role.

It’s about shocking the mortal life out of her once in awhile, but doing so in a non-threatening manner.

It’s about creating tension by jumping back and forth from fun to serious and back.

Yeah, it’s about a lot of things, but being a true “bad boy” who is mean-spirited, abusive, parasitic and/or predatory is not among them.

It’s a tough act to put on, but there’s no reason at all for it to be an act, because being a guy who does these things naturally is quite easy and fun! Most of it requires nothing more than shedding all your New Age, politically correct programming and simply getting back to being a man, a manly man who does manly things and leaves the girly things to the girls. There’s one secret ingredient that takes that dating version of the naughty boy to a new level, the level where a life-long relationship can be sustained…

SELF-RESPECT! Somebody like Johnny Knoxville, star of that idiotic show “Jackass,” who would sit on a display toilet in the middle of a hardware store sales floor and take a crap just for shock value might be a riot in the dating world, but few women would accept such behavior from her husband, nor from any man they were sizing up for his potential to be a husband. Self-respect makes the difference in having the right kind of attention without desiring any attention at all and getting all the attention you can, even if it’s the wrong kind.

It also requires knowing your partner more intimately than you ever thought possible, but that’s easy too, once you learn how she communicates and how to communicate with her and simply pay attention for awhile. Sounds like a pretty tall order, doesn’t it?

Well, it’s not, at least not of you read and apply "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," my 118-page (single-spaced type, unlike most, who double- and even tripe-space e-books and online reports to make them look longer!) seminar-in-a-book that teaches you everything mentioned here and more, in great detail, after having tested and proven it in the relationships of literally hundreds of couples coached and surveyed.

It’s time to make a choice. Do you want your life and relationship to just continue on the way it is now, or do you want to be the only guy you know who really knows what makes women tick, knows what they want, and can turn them on and off at will? That’s a pretty easy decision, isn’t it? So make it, right now, and then go to
http://www.makingherhappy.com, download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" and follow through. It’s really just that easy.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!

David Cunningham

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