Thursday, April 27, 2006

Cheating Is a SYMPTOM, Not a PROBLEM!

Many people think that cheating in a relationship is a major problem. It is in fact NOT a problem at all, but a SYMPTOM of a real problem. Fix the problem and the cheating goes away, at least as long as the problem doesn’t come back. The question is “What’s the problem?”

I have some readers who really, really make me proud to have them on board. I’m proud to have anyone on board who has the sense to realize they have a problem and the guts to look for an answer, but in addition to that, there are a few of you who don’t just blindly grab whatever is said and follow instructions like some sort of automaton. Instead these special people take my lessons and advice and think about them, and abstract from them other lessons, some which are parallel, other which are advanced concepts from the basic points I provide, and it’s always delightful when I receive one of them.

For example, ponder this question that came in response to the “What Do You Do When You Know She’s Cheating?” article from a couple of days ago:

“Is it cheating when she spends hours talking to people on the Internet rather than talking to her husband? It sure feels like it.”

This guy gets a big “high five” for seeing past the end of his nose and making the connection. Why?

It is a form of emotional abandonment, and that’s why it feels like cheating. She’s spending a disproportionate amount of time with other people and unavailable to you. However, this isn’t the problem; it’s only a symptom of the same problem that causes what we think of first when we think of “cheating,” an affair.

She’s bored because you are no longer tripping those biological triggers that make her feel attraction for you and make her want to spend that time with you getting that “swept off her feet” feeling. The only difference is that for some reason, whether her value system, opportunity, or whatever, she’s seeking intimacy and/or adrenaline rushes in a chat room, or on the telephone, or being absorbed in some form of hobby or volunteer work that gives her a reason to be around other people where she thinks she has a better chance of escaping he boredom instead of being caught up in a sexual affair.

This doesn’t mean that she is or is not looking for an affair, but it does mean that she is vulnerable to one, whether she wants it or not. And make no mistake, the answer is NOT to start hammering on her trying to control her time like a dictator or to start whining like a wuss that she spends time with everybody but you. The dictatorial route might be VERY TEMPORARILY effective, but if it is, it will be short-lived. The correct answer?

You need to trip her attraction triggers and get on the same wavelength with her in communications so that she’ll be focused on talking to you and having fun with you instead of chat room companions or phone buddies. Of all the women in my test panel, every one of them admitted to spending too much time on the phone and in chat rooms before their husbands started applying what they learned from my book, and all found themselves not even being tempted when their husbands got back on track.

Her primary reason for being in the chat rooms is to combat that terrible boredom that grips women when their man isn’t creating enough attraction for them, which is good news for you, because it means you can fix it. And as I’ve told you before if you’ve been with me for a while, because the chat rooms, excessive phone use, and affairs are all symptoms of the same problem, solving that problem eliminates ALL of the symptoms that are or may become present.

And yes, she probably did try to tell you about it at some time in the past, but you couldn’t hear her. When she said, “Do you think everything’s okay with us?” you had no idea that she was in fact making the statement, “I have a problem with what’s going on between us.” You probably just said, “Yes, it’s fine,” and she thought, “Well you insensitive jerk! Well, if you don’t want to talk to me, I can sure find somebody who does!” Questions are statements and statements are questions; men state, while women negotiate.

Most women are not hard to live with, but it can sure seem like they are when you don’t understand them and can’t comprehend their needs, which in turn seem complex, but are in fact extremely simple, no matter how dramatic or complex they make it seem. What’s more, when you start understanding them better and communicating better with them, they respond with nurturing, loyalty, and intimacy on a level you cannot imagine until you’ve seen it, because of a biological drive to respond on an unconscious level and because they consciously know they’ve got a “one-in-a-million man,” one that every woman dreams of having and few ever find. So…

If you want to be the happiest man alive, learn the simple things you need to know about her and communicating with her, put that knowledge to use, and nature will take its course; making her happy will make you happy every time. This seemingly “forbidden” knowledge awaits you at http://www.makingherhappy.com/ in an instantly-downloadable and easy-to-read e-book called “How to Be Attractive to the Woman You Love,” and it’s fully guaranteed to work for you, so now you have a choice: you can let things ride and continue to gradually decay, or you can choose to take charge and make things better than you’d ever hoped they could be. Choose well, because she’s watching…

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

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