Lying in Relationships and Marriage, Part 2, A Reader’s Confession About Lying Nearly Ending Her Marriage

A reader tells of her own experience with lying to the one she loves. It’s not pretty, and is a perfect example of what I warned you about in yesterday’s newsletter.

Yesterday’s newsletter on lying to your partner got some pretty predictable responses. If you missed it, see the archived article because it’s one you will definitely want to read. Also, we’re talking about female mid-life crisis, among other things, on our forum, and women in true mid-life crisis are compelled to tell themselves some horrible lies, so you’ll want to keep up with us on that subject too.

Those who don’t lie to their partners wrote in agreement, while the vast majority of those who do wrote in defense of their actions, saying ridiculous things like, “Good relationships are based on lies,” “It’s only a problem if you get caught,” etc. I feel sorry for those people, because they will never experience the wonderful feelings that real love, trust, loyalty and respect generate, which I’m glad to say that many of you, based on your responses, do seem to appreciate.

There was one letter in particular that I wanted to share with you, from a woman who got caught in a lie and almost destroyed her relationship with someone who seems to be a really good man. Meet Darla:

Dear David,

I wanted to share with you what really can happen when you tell a lie to the one you love. My story I guess is simple to many people, but it is hard for me to tell because I have to face something horrible to me. I come from a long line of people with addictive personalities. By addictive I mean to drugs and drinking. My mother was and is addicted to pain medication among other things and my brother has spent time in jail for his addictions. As for me I had started down the same road with prescription medications. Every day I thought I had to have one kind or the other, uppers in the morning and downers at night and had lived this way for awhile. I was in a marriage that was the worst of nightmares and two kids who could care less if I were living or dead.

I met this wonderful man, one that loves me and God only knows how much I love him. He noticed right off I could have a problem if I did not control myself. We have had long talks about it and I really had made the choice to give up the drugs. I wanted to be with him and I wanted to love him and to be sober to enjoy what I had finally been given.

Yesterday morning I awoke with a migraine. I have them from time to time and it was bad enough for me to try a new medication my doctor had given me. I took the pill and a short time later he called me to say good morning and I was spaced out on the pills. He asked me about it and in a panic I lied to him and told him I had not taken any medication. It was the worst choice I have ever made. I should have been honest and told him what was going on, but I lied.

He was so upset by what I had done that he would not hardly talk to me and when he did I felt like the lowest life form on the planet, not because he was abusive or belittled me, but because he pointed out to me that there was nothing in our history that gave me a reason to lie to him, and I was mimicking my mother’s behavior, and we both knew that the idea of me turning into my mother was not going to work for either of us.

He has no problem with me taking a pain medication for pain, and has told me so on several occasions. It is just the issue of me abusing pain killers for things other than pain that he has a problem with. We did talk it over and after many tears on my part we decided that since I had not lied to him in the past that the migraine medication may have been responsible for my choice to lie this time, and he forgave me on the condition that I never lied to him again, especially about drug use.

I will never lie to him again ever, because no matter what you think you are getting away with you are not. If you want to lose the man of your dreams because you want to be a dumb ass then you deserve what happens to you. I’m just thankful that my John loves me enough to work it out with me not throw me and nine years away because I was worried about the truth where if I had just said to him I was not feeling well and had taken the pills and since it was the first time and I was not sure what they would do to me it could have been avoided.

What I am saying is tell the truth not matter what. It hurts worse to lie to the one you love and you are not a good person if you can lie to the one you claim you love in the first place. Thank you so much John for loving me and letting me still love you and you still love me.

Darla

My response:

Hi Darla,

That’s quite a confession; thank you for sharing it with us. I’ve studied people a lot over the years, and I’ve seen a few things that I’d like to point out here. Chemicals notwithstanding (a lot of medications can alter your personality, adherence to your value system, inhibitions, etc.), you would be hard-pressed to prove to me how anyone who truly loves and respects another could lie to them, especially to cover their own ass. That’s an act of cowardice and need, not of love and respect. If your partner is claiming to love you but lying to you frequently (or vice versa), you and they need to take a look at the meaning of love, need, attraction, etc. (see the article in my free “Break-Up Busting 101” report), and get a fix on reality, because you’re not in it.

Another thing I’ve noticed, in my marriage, in the world around me and in the hundreds of couples who have been involved in the development, testing, and tweaking of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," is that there is nothing that two rational people who truly love and respect each other can’t discuss, no matter how bad it is. Of all the things that come together to make a good relationship work, unfettered, respectful, honest, and factual communication is the most important tool in the tool chest, because through it, all the other things are achieved.

Take care,
David

Do you know what kind of a relationship you’re in? Do you know if your partner really loves you, or if they’re just clinging on because they’re afraid to be alone? Do you communicate effectively across the gender gap? Has the honeymoon ended and left you as part of that ugly statistic wherein the average couple who has been together longer than two years has sex once every two months?

If you’ve become part of that statistic, it may seem like a problem, but you’ll soon see that it’s merely a symptom of a MUCH bigger problem. In any case, it’s logical to expect that you have or are anticipating at least one of these problems or you wouldn’t be spending the time to read these newsletters, so why keep putting off the solution?

Yes, what you need to know is in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and it’s not going to get into your head where you can use it until you go to http://www.makingherhappy.com, download it, and then read it. What you need to know is in there, laid out point by point and step by step, and people are using it every day to make their relationships better and better, some even snatching their marriage from the jaws of the divorce monster in as little as a week after receiving it. Do yourself and your partner a favor; get it and get busy, because life’s too short to spend it unhappy, bored, frustrated, scared, cheating, or celibate.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Lying in Relationships and Marriage, Part 1, Faking It Until You Make It

Is lying to your partner ever a good attraction tactic? Is it ever good for anything in your relationship? Only if you’re a predator…

This is the first part of a three-part series on the various aspects of deceit in a relationship, which will include, among other things, lie detection, so don't miss any part of it, even if you think everything is okay in your relationship! Reader comments indicate it is one of the most popular topics we discuss and the second most popular newsletter series I issue, and truth be told, I should probably turn it into a stand-alone report, so even if you’ve seen it before, read carefully and treat it as a “refresher course” if necessary.

By the way, there has been copious and candid discussion of various aspects of lying, such as faking it until you make it and lying to yourself about whether you have marital problems (a truly devastating self-deception) at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, and you should join us and check it out. There’s nothing like seeing the impact a lie can have on you to make you a ruthless seeker of the truth.

I’ve been asked frequently about the tactic of “fake it ‘til you make it” when trying to revive stale relationship or rescue a failing one. We’ve not talked about it in several months (except on the forum, of course), and since many of you have commented (all comments are welcome and read) that you like it much better when we focus on a subject for a few days and thoroughly explore it, we’re going to focus on lying and deceit in general for a few days, such as detecting it, damage it can do that you may not expect, etc. Let’s dig in!

I recently read (for the fourth time) the scariest book I’ve ever found, with the possible exception of Saul Alinsky’s “Rules for Radicals.” It’s entitled “The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right,” by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, in an effort to find out why women do so many things that are bad for them and their relationships with men, and I don’t know if this book is “the root of all evil” in relationships and marriage, but while some of the advice it gives is sound, practical advice, especially on personal security for women, parts of it are pure poison, and there’s much for both genders to learn from it if you can filter the good advice from the bad.

Frankly, I’d recommend that every man read it to see what kind of tricks and ploys are used to pull a man into a bad relationship to help him know that either his partner is a great woman who didn’t prey upon his insecurities or that he got sucked in and is being manipulated so he can take appropriate action to safely exit with confidence. Make no mistake, there are good relationships with fixable problems, and there are bad relationships that need to be dissolved, and no matter which you’re in, you need to know EXACTLY what you’re in to take appropriate action. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your own happiness, and until you’ve met that responsibility, you might contribute to someone else’s needs or cause, but not their happiness.

“The Rules,” according to its authors, is based on advice that a woman gave her daughter a hundred years ago or more on how to catch and marry a man. At that time, marrying well was a survival skill because many women could not make it on their own due to social prejudices, etc. Being “in love” was a luxury; “finding support” was a prime motivator in finding a husband; being “cared about” took a back seat to being “provided for.” Hence, much of the advice given under “The Rules” is how to prey upon a man’s insecurities to make him jealous and over-react to her scarcity, marrying her in order to control her availability.

This will get the job done, if simply getting married and being kept is a woman’s goal, but at what cost? In short, turning him into an insecure, jealous wuss that no woman could possibly be attracted to because a woman won’t respect and can’t feel attraction (that “swept off her feet” feeling that is an integral part of female sexual arousal) for a man she can control. This is a sure-fire recipe for disaster (especially if you have a healthy libido!), as it is what creates that marriage in which the woman spends everything the man makes but has sex with the proverbial gardener or pool boy instead of her husband.

I’ll get into more of this in a future newsletter, but what I want to talk about today, and the reason I bring this up, is that a “scary big” portion of the advice given in this book entails lying to men to attract them, in spite of the authors’ assertion that they don’t advise lying. I’m going to address that issue for the women in my upcoming book written for them, but it begs the more general question: “Is lying ever a good way to handle anything in a relationship, especially the building of attraction?”

The short answer, for both genders, is “Not just no, but HELL NO!” unless you are indeed some kind of predator or a total loser. Among other things, it leaves you feeling that you had to lie to attract the partner and therefore aren’t good enough to have him or her, even if you are! Indeed, feeling a lack of self-esteem can also make you feel that you have to lie to be worthy of someone else’s attention. And once you’ve done that, you have the stress of worrying about your lie being exposed to dampen any pleasure you might otherwise enjoy.

It also labels you as needy and weak, and is a tactic for losers and predators who cannot be attractive in their own right. That alone is devastating to self-esteem, if you have any (death spiral, anyone?), and when you look at the bigger picture, how can you feel or express love or respect for a person you lied to in order to have them involved in your life? Or for yourself? Can you love and respect yourself after lying to trick somebody into a relationship with you? Even without getting into what happens when you get caught, it’s a losing proposition for both sides.

What should you do? Work your attraction magic with things that are really part of you, incorporating new things that fit well into yourself if necessary. Start by emphasizing – NOT exaggerating -- your best behavior and avoiding and ultimately reforming – NOT disguising -- your worst. Then, take on a bit of self-improvement in areas that are appealing to you. If you’re not naturally funny, learn to be. You’ll find that as you pay attention to people looking for something entertaining, you’ll often find something that entertains everyone, and the more you do it, the more you develop the nerve pathways required for a genuine sense of humor.

Don’t just try to fake it, and stress over it. Study it, understand how it can brighten your life and your outlook on life, as well as make you more attractive to your partner, and treat it as a self-improvement exercise because it is. Don’t try to act funny, BECOME funny. Join Toastmaster’s or something and learn how to tell a good story and see the humor in things. Take dancing lessons if you’ve always thought about it but never got around to it. Learn how to have real fun and adventure yourself and you will be fun and interesting to a woman. Learn how to enjoy your life and just do it, and you will be irresistible.

Another example? Don’t try to act romantic, BE romantic. Develop a genuine appreciation for the great, the beautiful, the larger than life, by exposing yourself to it, and be able to spot it and point it out to others as you do in a way which helps them to get excited over it and appreciate it, as you see in the movie “Don Juan DeMarco.” Take a music appreciation, ballroom dancing or art appreciation class to get you started, or take up some kind of hobby where appreciation for greatness will be an inherent part of it as you delve deeper into the hobby, and gain self-esteem from your achievements as you progress.

Like to make sawdust? Study people like Sam Maloof. Like cooking? Read not only the cookbooks written by the world’s greatest chefs, but their stories; see how they became great chefs, and you will be impressed. And just as I said about developing a sense of humor, you can also develop a sense of romance, adventure, etc., by looking at it and for it.

And make no mistake, this isn’t changing yourself for her, it’s changing yourself for YOU, to have what YOU want, which is a strong, positive, attractive personality that you enjoy living with, people enjoy being around and which will attract viable candidates for a great relationship. And all you have to do to make it happen is actively explore and enjoy your life and the things that interest you.

Or, you could just try to “fake it ‘til you make it,” and be stressed out over having your cover blown and somebody seeing the real you and not liking what they see, kicking you to the curb while yelling “Fraud!” and walking away without another thought. No? I thought not.

This process is not difficult; indeed, it’s most enjoyable. Most people who don’t engage in self-improvement avoid it because of fear of failure, not because there’s really any reason for them to fail, while most people who do engage in it (and I do mean ENGAGE, not just buy the materials and set them on the shelf or skim them instead of using them) succeed, because they look forward to success and enjoying their life more.

By the same token, if you don’t have any exciting stories to tell, don’t make them up – get off your butt and get out and do something exciting! If you’re not an expert at something, don’t fake it and make an ass of yourself, pick something interesting and useful to you (and hopefully fun for you as well) and BECOME an expert. It is far better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt! Besides, a man needs a hobby. ;-)

Never, ever, lie to your partner. Even without regard for moral or ethical issues; it’s just too stressful for both of you, and too damaging to your self-esteem, whether you get caught or spend years trying to maintain a lie, not to mention damaging to the relationship. It’s far easier to actually become attractive than to try to just put on the act, and once you do become attractive, BEING attractive isn’t just stress-free, it’s fun! And then, if the potential for love is there, it can develop and make for a truly great relationship that stands the test of time.

There’s a wealth of solid, tested information in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” on what women find attractive, and just as important, what will kill it in a heartbeat, not to mention how to communicate with her in a way that has her talking with you instead of spending hours every day complaining about you to all her girlfriends, or the guy she’s having an affair with! It can even help you figure out if you’re in a relationship that has a good foundation and can make it or if you’ve been pulled in by a “Rules Girl” and are truly too mismatched for there to be any hope.

This is it, your best shot at getting things back on the right track no matter how far astray they’ve gone, so download your copy today at http://www.makingherhappy.com, because the information works, the price is right, the guarantee is unconditional, and life is too short to miss living it to the fullest. (There has been some discussion about that on our forum recently, too!)

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

"Let Justice Be Done, Though the Heavens Fall," THE REAL Alpha Male Attitude, NOT This "Bad Boy" Crap

Every great man I’ve ever known lived by the ancient code, “Let justice be done, though the heavens fall.” Women flocked to them, and their own wives worshipped them. Why?

Today has been a day filled with interesting e-mails from readers. One of these e-mails described a conversation that a man was having misgivings about having had with his wife.

They’ve been having compatibility problems – he’s extremely mature and she’s extremely immature, even though they are both within a year or two of 40 – and her immaturity has caused her to have no achievement in her life and hence, no self-esteem, and had become dependent on her marriage and her child for her feelings of achievement and independence, which cannot work because it makes the source of one’s self-esteem something other than one’s self.

This man is quite brilliant and a strong leader, recognized the problem, and loved her enough that when she left to go “find herself,” he didn’t beg her to come home or try to force her to come home, he told her that she needed to grow up and have a life before she was going to be able to share one with him, and that reconciliation wasn’t an option until she had grown enough to feel good about herself and be able to enjoy his company instead of being dependent on it.

Months have gone by, during which she has descended to an embarrassing level of immaturity and arguing with pure fabrication and fantasy to back her up, but suddenly, over the last few weeks, it’s like she’s emerging from the fog, realizing that he was right, that all her machinations and fantasies have brought her nothing but trouble and hard feelings, and has become rational and responsible to a degree that neither of us would have expected for a long time. This is not uncommon when somebody bottoms out hard and realizes that the people who were thought to be their enemies and oppressors were actually the only people left who cared.

She has now set reasonable goals and laid very rational plans to achieve these goals, and has been dropping hints of repentance and testing the waters to see how much damage she’s done and if it can be repaired sufficiently to ultimately allow her to return home. Hence the conversation…

He wants her to tell him in full detail of her desires, goals, plans and whether she currently wants to come back home, and when that might be, but is concerned about whether he could live with the answer. My advice: have the conversation. Let justice be done, though the heavens fall.

That was first said by Julius Caesar’s father-in-law, a Roman statesman by name of Lucius Calpurnius Piso Caesoninus. Let’s take a quick look at its true meaning, and you’ll see why great men live by it and women find it irresistible.

“Justice” isn’t about law, or necessarily even about punishment. It’s about getting what one deserves – what he or she has earned by virtue of their choices and actions, good, bad or indifferent. What Caesoninus was saying was that they should do what was just, even if it upset and destroyed the natural order of things, in his case, the unseating of some powerful people, in our reader’s case, hearing something that was other than what he wanted to hear. Why is this so important? And attractive?

A real man knows that no matter what happens, if it is realistic and just, he can build upon it and make improvement and progress, even if he has to rebuild from ruins. He doesn’t like or try to create mayhem, but if that’s the only way that he and those around them can get what they deserve, good, bad, or indifferent, he’s prepared to go that route, because his word, his character, and his self-respect are important to him. This is how he sleeps well at night, and why he wakes up each morning looking forward to the day, no matter what the previous day held or this day holds. It is the guardian of his self-esteem, and the polish on the tools of his achievement: reason, character, and confidence.

Having read those last few words, is there any question as to why women would find this wildly attractive? A man with a strong sense of justice who consistently applies it defines and exerts authority in a way that inferior men can never hope to do. This is one of those places where the rules for dating differ from those for committed relationships; a woman looking for a night of fun and excitement may seldom look deep enough into a man to see this kind and strength of character, but a woman who is looking for or is in a committed relationship will home in on it from miles away. Such a man walks into a room and everybody knows without question that he owns it, and to a degree, owns them, because he will be the strongest man in the room in terms of reason, character, and confidence.

It may sound like this is a difficult way to live at first glance, but think about it, and you’ll find that it’s actually easier. There is no deceit to try to cover up, any messes you make are made up of facts that can be sorted through and worked with instead of having to struggle against everything to solve a problem, and women adore you, including your partner, for who and what you are instead of secretly wishing you were something else – and something better.

Strong character and a sense of justice, contrary to popular belief, is a choice, one of the most important choices a man can make, because it in turn is the foundation for most, if not all, of the rest of the choices he makes in his life. It is also one of the very few things about a man that can create both love (a sense of value) and attraction (a sense of excited desire) in a woman.

Add justice, in its true sense, to your personal code of values and watch what happens to the rest of your life, and the reactions you get from women. Those of bad character will run from you, while those of good character – and who will make good wives and mothers, or at least low-maintenance girlfriends, for those of you not looking for a committed relationship at the moment but like keeping good candidates around for when that time comes – will flock to you, and if you’re already with a good woman you’ll find that she’ll whip a running saw mill to protect her relationship with you. If you have any doubt of the truth or profoundness of what I’m telling you here, there are plenty of women at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com/, who will be more than happy to verify it for you if they haven’t already, as they have already spoken at length of much of what they look for, are attracted to, and enjoy in a man.

You’ll also find that other people – friends, employers, employees, vendors, customers, etc. – will flock to you. The old bromide “opposites attract” is only true all of the time when speaking of magnetism; otherwise it’s infrequent, fickle, and counter-productive most of the time, as it is most often the result of boredom, not effective matchmaking. Good relationships require compatibility; hence, “birds of a feather flock together” is something you can depend upon.

So you didn’t see that coming, huh? You would have if you knew as much about women as you should to be trying to live happily with one. Do you know what she’s really saying when she says, “Fine!” and nothing else? Do you know what she’s TELLING you when she’s ASKING you a question? Do you know what question she’s asking you any time she’s telling you something? If you’ve been reading these newsletters for several months, I’m sure you can be right at least part of the time, but you’ll find that only part of the time isn’t good enough…

A partial fix to your relationship problems doesn’t fix your relationship. It merely slows down the inevitable break-up. No, that’s not a good thing; it gives you more time to make more mistakes, become more heavily invested in the relationship, and harbor more ill feelings when it does finally blow up in your face. Think that can’t happen? It is a common thing for me to be working with couples who are on the brink of divorce or who have already decided to divorce when the wife ends up pregnant – with the husband’s child. When you’re in trouble and emotions are high, just about anything can happen, especially if it’s bad, because emotionally-driven decisions are only good ones by coincidence.

The only time that delaying the inevitable break-up is a good thing is if you have all the information you need to fix all your shortcomings in your hands and are working on learning it. So let me help you with that…

Everything you need to know to become the real man that you were truly born to be, will thoroughly enjoy living as, and can very easily become is in my book, "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," along with everything you need to know to fix your shortcomings in your relationship, such as your ability to evaluate your relationship and the people in it, and to communicate with a woman to such a degree that she tells her friends that you’re one of those extra rare guys who “just knows” what she wants, and understands her without being one of those crying wusses they tried to turn us all into in the 1980’s. Download your copy at http://www.makingherhappy.com/ right now, and get started; never put off until tomorrow the success and happiness you can have today.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Being the Protector in Relationships and Marriage: When Should You? Part 2, Reader Observations and Lessons

Readers respond to yesterday’s edition about knowing when to be a protector and when to let someone learn their lesson the hard way. I found their insight fascinating and adept, and you should find it useful.

In yesterday’s edition, I shared with you part of a discussion I had with a student/client/friend, who has correctly identified himself as too mismatched with his wife to be able to salvage a failing marriage. If you missed it, please read it now before continuing so you can be up to speed as we discuss these reader responses, because this is really important!

The gist of the lesson was that we as men are biologically wired for behavior that in some ways differs significantly from that of women, and that a tendency to be over-protective of everyone around us (as opposed to the natural female focus on protecting their children) and that there are times when we would be serving those we care about better by letting them make their own mistakes so they can learn from them, and make their own decisions in general so that we don’t communicate a lack of confidence to someone who needs our support as they try to mature and evolve, or to demonstrate to us that they have ALREADY matured and evolved.

What follows are the more interesting letters I received regarding that issue, and I must admit I’m rather proud of those who wrote them, because they are good questions that show analytical minds at work looking for answers, tools and opportunities for improvement. Meet Terry:

David,

You mentioned “a pretty typical story of an extremely intelligent and analytical male hooked up with a not-so-intelligent and overly creative female.” Could you elaborate on what is typical? My wife read that and said you were saying that it was typical for men to be smart and women to be stupid, and I didn’t take it that way at all.

Thanks,
Terry

My reply:

Hi Terry! You’re quite right. I meant nothing remotely resembling what your wife thought she read. It’s common for men to be more analytical and women to be more creative because of the neuron density in the left and right hemispheres of the brain that you find common to gender. There are exceptions, and there are also cases where you see things like a highly analytical man or woman who is also quite creative. The “norm” is for men to be more analytical and women more creative, but that does not mean that predominately analytical men have no creative ability or that predominately creative women cannot solve a problem.

I also did not imply that it was common for the man to be more intelligent than the woman; it is common for one partner to be a little more intelligent than the other, but if that gap is very wide, it creates a pretty serious incompatibility. What I was saying was typical was that when there is any kind of big compatibility problem, intelligence or the analytical vs. creative mismatch, problems are significant and difficult to handle without a lot of competent help, if they can be handled at all. Sometimes that compatibility problem is a marriage-killer.

In short, I was speaking of general tendencies in partner dynamics, not certainty in gender dynamics. I’ve met some incredibly smart and incredibly moronic members of both genders, as I’m sure everyone else has.

Thanks for writing, and keep in touch,
David

Margot’s insight here is impeccable. I’ve written on “red flags” before and neediness being one of them, but she pulled it out of this lesson as well. Check her out:

Hello David,

I couldn’t help but wonder how long this man had been trying to save this woman if he was trying to fight the urge to save her now. I should think that both a person’s need to be saved and an overwhelming urge to save someone are indeed both big red flags in a relationship. It’s one thing to want to love someone and engage in mutual nurturing, but it’s quite another to be driven to spend your life bailing someone out of one tough spot after another. If my husband were to get in a jam I’d certainly want to be there for him, but a pattern of choices that kept him in a jam would make me at least question how much importance he placed on his life and mine. I’ve found, as you may have, that people who make consistently bad choices aren’t stupid, but rather don’t care enough about themselves or the people around them to exercise the discipline to think and make good choices, which in my mind is a gigantic sign saying “DANGER!”

Cheers,
Margot

My reply:

Hi Margot, and you’ve hit the nail squarely on the head. Finding yourself drawn to people in trouble is not a sign that you love them, but that you are for some reason attracted to their frailty – codependence is a very destructive basis for a relationship to say the least. Lasting relationships are built on love and attraction, which in turn creates friendship, trust, loyalty, fun, excitement, and sex, not on the guilt or need that causes you to want someone to bail you out or be obligated to you after you’ve bailed them out.

Good to hear from you again, and do keep in touch,
David

And this from Daphne, one of the women in the test group that helped with the research for "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” and a regular contributor:

Hey David,

As usual, I have stories about things my girlfriends have done to capture a man that would make your hair stand up on the back of your neck. One they all talk about is the lengths they’ll go to in trying to make a man feel dependent on them to keep him home, and how they’ll create a crisis from time to time to make him feel good about having saved them. Three of my friends got married to men who fell for fake emergencies. They were looking for someone to give them a house and children, and somebody who would run to the rescue was an easy mark. Tell your guys to watch themselves!

Daphne

No, neither Daphne nor I are saying that every woman does that, or even the majority. Indeed, there are a bunch of really great women at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, who are happy to help you spot problems like predatory women and get rid of them. However, women, especially young ones who haven’t learned they can take care of themselves and developed the means to do so, and who want to get away from an abusive home or who are enamored with the idea of making a baby and too impatient to go about it the right way, may go to extraordinary lengths to make it happen, to include ensnaring and marrying a man who will be tolerable to live with and a good provider in order to facilitate her desires of escape (possibly from oppressive parents or an abusive parent) and/or motherhood.

Such relationships can last for years, but they are not happy ones, and are usually focused on the children instead of the whole family. When the children start leaving the nest (if not sooner – often MUCH sooner), one or both parents will start succumbing to the pressure of trying to suppress and work around their incompatibility, and then the frequent fighting, frustration, disrespect, distrust, affairs, etc., start happening. Could this – OR DID THIS -- happen to you?

People unfortunately see these emotions and fights as the cause of their marital problems, but they’re merely a symptom of a much bigger problem. The cause was a bad decision to get together in the first place. That’s why I stress so vehemently in "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" that before a man starts working on fixing a broken relationship he thoroughly evaluate the relationship, check for compatibility and other markers of a strong foundation for the relationship, and make an informed choice before proceeding with anything else. Trying to put off the inevitable is a fool’s errand; if it has to end, end it quickly, and with dignity for all involved if possible, instead of escalating the pain until everybody is too engaged in fighting a war to clean up a mess that never should have been made, and children and other innocent bystanders end up suffering for it.

"THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage" is truly THE man’s guide to any kind of great relationship with any woman, and it’s become the new title of this book because it’s so fitting and reflects its true scope. Do yourself a favor and go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy today, and start getting things squared away in your life. Even if you’re in your 70’s or 80’s, there’s still time left in your life to be happy; don’t waste it trying to delay the inevitable when you could be enjoying the time of your life.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Being the Protector in Relationships and Marriage: When Should You?

Men are often over-protective of women. It’s in our biological “wiring” in our brains; we’re compelled to do it. However, there are times when that urge must be fought off…

I’ve been working closely with one of my top “students” as he makes a dignified exit from a situation in which he and his soon-to-be-ex are grossly mismatched and have determined that there is just not enough common ground upon which to try to hold it together and be able to treat their differences as complimentary tools.

It’s a pretty typical story of an extremely intelligent and analytical male hooked up with a not-quite-as-intelligent and overly-creative, emotionally-driven female. And before anybody starts sending hate mail, I’m saying it is the mismatch that is typical, not the female being not quite as intelligent as the male. During good times they get along fairly well, but when trouble comes, she grossly over-reacts, and then gets caught up in that emotional validation thing that women fall prey to, wanting to believe that an emotion justifies itself and demands repentance, atonement, and a permanent change in behavior on the part of the man when it was her choice and behavior that was the problem.

She becomes very morally ambiguous and even hypocritical in trying to defend the bad choices she makes because she over-reacts instead of either thinking things through or relying on his analytical skills to cut through the emotional madness and restore order. She went too far, then painted herself into a corner, and exposed a weak and deceitful character that he has chosen to stop supporting and enabling.

She continues to make very bad decisions and is digging herself a deeper and deeper hole, and he’s having a hard time not stepping in front of the train to try to save her. She’s about 40 years old with the emotional maturity of a 15-year old spoiled brat, and her biggest problem is that she needs to grow up and take responsibility for her life and achieve a thing or two to have some sense of self-esteem, so bailing her out of problems would work against her in the long run.

Now that you have the situation, let’s dig into our correspondence a little for a lesson for you to ponder, one which applies to not only to ex’s and soon-to-be ex’s, but often to a partner in a good relationship, children, other family, and friends:

Him: “I wouldn't dream of sacrificing my future in a doomed attempt to relieve HER heartbreak, but through all of this, I have never wanted one bad thing to happen to her. She may well deserve it, but I'm not that guy - revenge only interests me for fleeting moments. Part of being rational, I suppose.”

Me: “If she's earned a bad time, stepping in front of it to save her from it is just as bad an idea as giving her an unjust punishment in the name of revenge."

Him: “Thanks for mentioning that - I needed to hear it. There may be a newsletter in there somewhere, because I see men doing that almost as often as parents do it for their kids. It's going to continue to be difficult, particularly since she's [the mother of my son] and I'm reasonably generous, to let her wallow in her own mess. But I'll manage.”

Do you see the point? It’s part of a man’s make-up to be a protector, and sometimes we work too hard at that part of the job of being a man, so much so that we undermine the development of those around us, or weaken their self-confidence by inadvertently making them think that we’re trying to “save them” because they’re not up to doing it themselves.

There are times when we want to help, and try to help, that our help really isn’t wanted or needed, and is in fact offensive, as our wives and girlfriends, our children, our other family, extended family, friends, coworkers, etc., try to meet challenges and grow. Think about that…

If I could teach you only one thing in the rest of my life about relationships, it would be this: Self-esteem and independence come from only ONE source, and that is ACHIEVEMENT. Meeting challenges and coming out on top builds the confidence to stand alone and have a life, allowing a person to enjoy your company and share a life. Anything you do that impedes others’ ability to rise to meet the challenges of their life puts them one step farther from independence and one step closer to being a dependent, not to mention resenting your involvement in deterring their independence and self-esteem.

So what do you do?

No, you don’t just say “screw the world” and become a hermit so you don’t impede anyone’s ability to grow. Don’t’ be silly. What you must do is be patient enough to let others ask you for help before you go jumping in. If you can tell that somebody is in a bind, but don’t think they will ask because they are too proud, you can subtly offer: “Man, that looks tough (or “fun” if you think you can get away with it). Can I do something here?”

Asking in that way doesn’t force them to say they “need” your help; it allows them to say that you can be included, which isn’t demeaning at all, or could be of help, which is far less demeaning if they are trying to remain independent. It also allows them to say something like, “I think I can cover it, but if you’ve been through this and have any tips or tricks to make it easier, I’m interested,” or something like that. Whatever they say, they mean it, so if they refuse, just acknowledge their choice by saying something like “very well,” and DON’T add something that expresses a lack of confidence like, “You know you can call me if you change your mind.” If they change their mind, you’ll be the first person they call because you offered to help.

The hardest part about being a protector isn’t the protection, it’s knowing WHEN to protect and when to let somebody take their lumps and learn their lessons so they can grow. As far as your relationship with your girlfriend or wife goes, unless you are indeed with a dependent, they will appreciate you not smothering them and allowing them to give things a try before jumping in. It’s a vote of confidence in both their ability to perform and their ability to assess a situation and be adult enough and responsible enough to ask for help if they need it.

You have likely been told all your life that charity is a good thing, along with self-sacrifice. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you sacrifice justice, the principle of giving someone or receiving exactly what is deserved, no more and no less, to charity, the principle of giving the unearned to those who did not earn it, everybody loses. You lose the life that went into creating whatever you gave away, and they lose the opportunity to feel better about themselves by having attained something of value by their own mind and effort. It is a strong sense of justice, not charity or punishment, that makes for the most effective and respected leader.

By and large, women are neither weak nor stupid, and they resent the hell out of us when we treat them as if they are. They may not do things the same way we would, and at times may not even come close to doing them the best way if it’s something mechanical, but they usually can get it done, and being social in nature, they have no problem with asking for help because it turns it into a social event. However, when we let them see just how far they can get on their own and they make something work, they feel better about themselves, and they have not only a boost in their security and self-esteem as a result, they also have BRAGGING RIGHTS, which is not something we men have a monopoly on by any means. And bragging is by nature a social activity, right?

And what are bragging rights to a woman? RELIEF FROM BOREDOM THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO PROVIDE! So wise up and take advantage of one of those rare and wonderful things that makes something good happen without you having to work your ass off to make it happen. Speaking of rare and wonderful things for you to take advantage of, about a third of the members at our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, are women who are there both to learn about us and to help us learn about them.

They’ll answer any question; all you have to do is man up enough to ask, and you’ll find out that in some ways, women aren’t that different from us; in others, they seem like they’re from another planet at times. (An old friend of mine used to say that there’s something on that extra leg of that second “X” chromosome that really messes women up!) Understanding our similarities and our differences are equally important in the quest for a happy and lasting relationship and/or marriage.

There are some things that are very masculine, some that are very feminine, and some that are simply and supremely human, and knowing these differences can make the difference in you being with a great woman for a lifetime and you being alone and strapped with alimony and child support payments while everybody in your former family except you enjoys the house that you worked (and are still working) to provide, so I strongly suggest you get wise, and fast!

The fastest path to such wisdom is "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," waiting for you in an instant download at http://www.makingherhappy.com. Get it while you can, because you never know what tomorrow may bring…but you can always hedge your bet with good information, if you can find it, and this is it!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Desperation: the Great Destroyer of Lives, Relationships and Marriage

What’s the old saying? “Desperate times call for desperate measures…”? Well, maybe, but the last thing they call for are desperate people making a bigger mess of things through desperate, irrational acts. How do you handle trouble in your relationship? Do you act desperate and go out of your way to try to please your partner? Not if you want them back!

I got the strangest call from a friend in Phoenix, and I have to share some of the details with you. My friend Jake, a man’s man if ever there was one, called and said he and his wife of 22 years were suddenly having a lot of trouble, and he was scared to death he was going to lose her. I was instantly in shock when I heard this, because I’ve known him since we were at the Air Force Academy together in the early 1980’s, and “fear” is one word I could never put in the same sentence with his name, unless it was to say he had none for anything or anyone.

As an example, Jake and his wife met sky-diving. Her chute failed to open, he saw it, chased her and caught her in the air before opening his own, and they had never met before that, other than sharing the ride up to jump altitude. He sort of reminds me of the character “Swoop” in the Wesley Snipes movie “Drop Zone,” just a fearless maniac, and his wife is just like him.

Getting back to the call, Jake’s business had started to slow down, and he had some severe personal catastrophes (simultaneous deaths of both parents and a brother in a car accident, robbery at this house, and his wife nearly car-jacked – didn’t happen because she was armed!) within a very short period of time, and the pressure got to him and understandably “rattled” him a bit. He started sticking a little closer to his wife, and she subconsciously started picking up on wuss signals and losing interest in him after 22 years, which REALLY rattled him, and in a weakened state he wussed completely out and said to her, for the first time in 22 years, “I need you,” instead of “I love you.” You can guess what happened next…

She went ballistic! Now remember, these are two of the most fiercely independent and fearless people I’ve ever met, and I’ve been among the cream of the world’s crop. This started a cycle, the same cycle that always sets in when a “scarcity mentality” (as John Alanis puts it) sets in, a cycle of one partner getting insecure and needier and the other partner rejecting them more because of it, which in turn feeds the insecurity and intensifies the neediness, which amplifies the rejection, etc. Jake became desperate and did what desperate men do in a relationship – he wussed out and made it worse!

Desperation is a state of fear, the strongest of emotions, that borders on terror; you’re still able to act where terror would immobilize you entirely, but you’re completely unable to think and proceeding entirely on emotion. Here’s a big, BIG tip: Real-world problems require real-world solutions. Desperate problems and desperate people still require real-world solutions. When you ignore reality, things don’t get better, they get worse!

Jake knew from 22 years of living with his wife how she would react to him being a wuss, and he did it anyway! He lost sight of reality! Needless to say, when I pointed this out to him, he did the typical alpha male thing and spent a minute kicking his own ass, then said, “I gotta do some serious damage control, and yeah, I know what to do. I’ll call ya in a day or two when the smoke clears,” and hung up. I can hear the conversation that followed with his wife, as he related it later:

“Yeah, dammit, I freaking wussed out because everything came at once and the stress just got to me. I haven’t forgotten who I am and I certainly haven’t forgotten who you are, either. I’m going to apologize for the wuss act, for no other reason than because after 22 years of being married to you, I know that wussing out on you was just plain freaking insulting, and you didn’t deserve it. I talked to Dave (I hate it when he calls me that and I swear I think he does it just to yank my chain!) and he told me I’ve had my head up my ass and he’s right, so it’s over and not going to happen again. Now get over here and gimme me some lovin’, you saucy-looking wench, so I can get back to work.”

Obviously, not everyone would or should handle that situation with exactly that language, but that’s Jake and the way he handles things is blunt and head-on, a text-book example of an Alpha Male, and his wife is the same way, at least to the extent that women can be. She’ll know the crisis is past because he’s acting like himself and not seeking her approval anymore, which is what she’s looking for to know that things are back to normal. For them, it took a few seconds to patch things up, as I’m sure he’ll tell me about in a few days when he gets a new handle on business, takes some time to grieve for his lost parents, etc., but for an average couple, it would probably take a few days to a couple of weeks to turn things back around because entering into wuss mode is a pretty serious offense, as is the failure to recognize reality and think before you act.

Speaking of which, I’m going to mention as another example of what desperation can do to you something that happened to one of you. I’m not going to reprint his e-mails because I haven’t obtained his permission to use them, but this is too compelling an example to not use here. He wrote saying his wife had filed for divorce after they had a wonderful dating period and marriage which suddenly went south when their first child was born because they started behaving differently. He still had the presence of mind to recognize from these newsletters that he had slipped into wuss mode, but failed to notice the significance of several of the details he mentioned in the newsletter.

First, she had filed for divorce, but was telling him that she still cared about him and they still got along well, and had even been out to dinner together alone (without their child). Say it with me, Ladies, loud and clear so the men will hear you: “She testing him and/or trying to provoke him to kick him out of wuss mode!” Also, she said she had just lost her “deep feelings” for him. Ladies??? Yep, ATTRACTION was gone because he was in wuss mode. And the kicker: he said he couldn’t afford a copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage”! I’ve spent a lot more than the cost of that book on LUNCH! Could he then afford the legal fees, alimony, child support, and property settlement coming down the pike from the impending divorce??? His dinner dates each cost more than the book, and could make every dinner he had with her for the rest of his life something exciting!

I took the better part of a couple of hours to analyze everything he had said and sent him back a list of significant details and indications that had missed, including the above points, and a short time later I saw an e-mail notification from my merchant account company where he had purchased my book and a “thank you” letter from him for helping him get his feet back on the ground. A few hours after that came another e-mail saying he was half-way through the book, was already recognizing some of the signals in their conversations and a lot of his previous wuss behavior, and extremely excited. Seeing a plan start forming and realizing that there is action you can take to make a difference can eliminate feelings of desperation in the blink of an eye, but none of that can happen if you ignore reality and the lessons it holds for you while in a state of fearful desperation.

Don’t let what happened to these couples happen in your home. Learn how to communicate with your partner on a level that neither of you dared dream of, and learn what it takes to continuously and automatically keep her excited, interested, and attracted to you, and she will return your effort many-fold. For us men, it takes some effort, but for the ladies in our lives, it’s automatic – they are biologically wired to take care of us as long as we take care of them.

They still must expend effort and energy to do so, but they don’t have to make a conscious effort to figure out how like we do, and enjoy doing it when given the opportunity. That’s why I chose the name for my web site, makingherhappy.com, because the key to a happy and harmonious relationship really is in making HER happy by keeping that attraction alive and well, being the alpha male that your “Y” chromosome gives you the infrastructure to be, having fun with her being the naughty boy, tripping her triggers so that all those wonderful and entirely automatic responses we love (nurturing, playfulness, adventurousness, seduction, etc.) happen.

The really cool part is that all those things that you are supposed to do are as automatic for you as hers are to her, and you just have to strip away decades of disinformation and programming. That’s why it works; there is nothing unnatural, nothing made up or put on, nothing that could even be called “faking it until you make it” about it. And don’t take my word for it, either. Come to our forum, http://forum.makingherhappy.com, and ask the members there, about a third of whom are women.

When you think about it, love, attraction, and an appropriate level of respect, commitment, and responsibility are really all women ask of us in return for all the wonderful nurturing, partnership and intimacy they are prepared to give us, and in that light it doesn’t seem like a lot to ask, does it? Don’t ignore reality. You probably already have everything it takes to knock her socks off except the know-how (you knew how at one time or it happened naturally, else you probably wouldn’t be in a long-term relationship or marriage right now, would you?), and the know-how is in my book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy right now and make things right, before you find yourself in that desperate downward spiral.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Banter: A Girl's Best Friend and a Key to a Great Relationship or Marriage

MUST READ: A key ingredient in any fun, sexy relationship is the fun, flirtatious, innuendo-filled, anticipation-building ritual of “banter.” Women refer to it by name, while most guys have no clue. If you want to kick things up a notch, read and learn…

I had a revelation this morning, or an epiphany if you prefer. I was milling some new cabinet doors and drawers for my kitchen, which makes my wife nuts because my power tools both excite and scare the hell out of her, not to mention the anticipation of seeing the kitchen redecoration complete, and started going over the week’s conversations and events looking for another good lesson to give you guys. And sure enough, I found one.

I received eight e-mails this week from women mentioning the word “banter.” Do you know what it is? You can bet the women in your life do, and they’re looking to you for it, especially the one you’re living with, so you’d better learn quickly.

American Heritage Dictionary defines “banter” as n. 1. Good-humored, playful conversation. v. ban•tered ban•ter•ing ban•ters v. tr. 1. To speak to in a playful or teasing way. v. intr. 1. To exchange mildly teasing remarks.

What is all that? Yup! Naughty, teasing, playful building of anticipation, a.k.a., “verbal foreplay!”

One of the better kept secrets about women that shouldn’t be a secret at all is that where we are easily stimulated visually, they are easily stimulated through engaging their imagination and letting it run wild, which can be started by anything verbal, whether it is spoken, sung, or in print. That’s why I keep telling you guys that foreplay starts in the morning before you leave for work, a naughty word here and a naughty gesture there will have her thinking naughty, sexy thoughts about you all day, in anticipation of her reward later in the evening for being so patient.

For women, it is the anticipation that is the thrill of the chase, and they enjoy the chase far more than the “kill.” This seems to be a very difficult concept for men to embrace, but where for us orgasm is the highlight and purpose of sex, for women, it is simply the end of sex, no matter whose orgasm you speak of, ultimately, even for a woman who has multiples, because one of them is going to end it. That’s why every sex therapist, marriage counselor and relationship expert that has ever spoken or written about sexual relations has stressed the importance of foreplay, and that advice being ignored by the vast majority of men is the reason so many women are sexually frustrated and ripe for an affair.

Stoking her up once this anticipation is started is most easily accomplished with banter. Let me give you an example. When I’ve visited Texas, I’ve frequently ran across this really interesting concoction the Texans call “Jalapeño ketchup” or in some places, “Texas ketchup.” (In other parts of the country and world, it’s spelled “catsup,” but it’s the same thing.) This stuff isn’t just plain bottled catsup with some pepper juice added for heat. It has some extra onion, some cumin, and bits of jalapeno swimming in it and tastes like a good, spicy taco sauce or salsa picante, and sometimes it’s pretty hot, too.

Now, imagine you’ve been to Texas and you’re coming home, and you’re passing text messages or one-liner e-mails back and forth with your wife.

You: I’m on the way home!
Her: Can’t wait to see you!
You: I’m bringing you a surprise…
Her: Am I going to like it?
You: I’ll bet it makes your cheeks get flushed
Her: How cum?
You: It’s pretty hot…
Her: Yeah?
You: Might make you wet, too…
Her: I’ll bet I know what it is ;-)
You: I’ll betcha don’t!
Her: I’ve had it before!
You: Nope, not like this!

Do you see what’s going on here? You’re talking about the pepper in spicy catsup making her cheeks get flushed and making her break out in a sweat, she’s thinking you’re talking about body parts and getting her to lubricate, or at least wondering if that’s going to be involved, then you set the hook by making her guess what it is and claiming that what you’re talking about is not sexual and that she’s never had it. All the innuendo has her mind on sex, and she’s going to be thinking all those thoughts as she tries to figure out what you’re talking about, which just adds to the tension.

Now, remember the “two-steps-forward-one-step-back” dance I’ve mentioned in the past, ramping up and then easing back a bit before taking her even higher? You break contact for awhile, whether you’re traveling, working at the office or whatever, and give her a couple of hours to stew in her own juices, then another message goes out:

You: Figured it out yet?
Her: Of course!
You: Nope. I’ll guarantee you’ve never had it like this or even thought about it.
Her: You sound mighty sure of yourself!
You: That’s because I am!
Her: So you’re really gonna give me something like I’ve never had it before, huh?
You: Yep, and it’s guaranteed to make you wet even if I’m in another room…
Her: You are so bad!
You: Maybe, but you’re the one that’s going to get the spanking… ;-)

You’re still talking about catsup, she’s still on the sex channel…

Now, banter doesn’t have to contain all that innuendo. It can be just for the fun of it, picking at each other in a very good-natured way.

You: Watcha doing?
Her: Laundry
You: You got a license?
Her: What license?
You: One that shows you can run all that heavy equipment.
Her: What heavy equipment?
You: Whatever you’re using to wash my underwear. It must be pretty heavy to handle it!

Her: Did you mow the lawn yet?
You: Nope
Her: Are you going to?
You: Nope
Her: Why not?
You: It needs seeded next month, so if I don’t mow it until then, it will seed itself right on time!

Her: Can you hand me my black sandals with the straps? (She has very tiny feet.)
You: No, I’m sorry
Her: What’s wrong
You: I’m not breaking my back lifting those things!

A note on playing with a woman: NEVER say something like this last example if she has big feet and is sensitive about them. Only talk about her feet being big and ugly if they are small and pretty. The idea is to make fun of an exaggeration or absurdity, not to make fun of her. If she’s gorgeous and confident about it, hand her a bag to put over her head (but don’t put it over her head when she’s spent two hours getting ready to go out and her hair is perfect!) If she’s thin and fit and confident in her looks, tell her she needs to go on a diet and work out, again if she knows she’s hot, not if she’s insecure or anorexic, no matter how good she might look. You’re looking for comedy, not control via brow-beating, and making such a remark when she’s insecure is a direct attack on her self-esteem.

Get it yet? Something that is obviously satire, exaggerated to the point of total ridiculousness, not something that she is sensitive about, and always delivered with that naughty grin, or at least followed pretty quickly with the naughty grin before she has a chance to realize that what you just said could be taken more than one way and she does what women naturally do, which is to take anything ambiguous that you say in the worst possible way instead of the best.

If she has spent a couple of hours getting ready to go out with you, when she says, “How do I look?” you can crack a naughty grin and say something like, “I guess you’ll do…” or if you’re really brave and there are no security or fidelity issues, “almost as good as my girlfriend,” and give her a few seconds to respond before slipping an arm around her waist and pulling her up close and saying, “yes, you look great, and you will most certainly do,” or “Nah, my girlfriend never looks THIS good.”

You MUST MUST MUST understand that playing with a woman isn’t like playing with a man in some respects. We tend to pick at each other and make remarks about each other’s beer bellies, big ears, receding hair line and getting gray as a sort of bonding ritual in which we help each other stay thick-skinned and able to laugh at ourselves, but women don’t do this, and they don’t take it well when we do it to them. Indeed, you’re quite likely to be on her bad side for quite awhile if she’s feeling insecure about her hair turning gray and you make a remark about it.

I’m not saying that women are so fragile that they need to be coddled, but they do tend to take things like that a lot harder than we do because they’ve spent generations being purposely made to feel insecure by oppressive men, the health and beauty industry, the fashion industry, their own competitiveness, etc., so know your partner’s hot buttons before you start getting into this kind of play and don’t press them. The whole idea is to have fun together, not for you to have fun at her expense. Making her laugh keeps her from being bored, and anything that keeps her from being bored makes her happy, and anything that makes her happy makes your world a much better place to live in.

Yes, parts of this are a little complicated. They require knowing your partner, knowing her hot buttons, knowing what she’s confident about and what she’s insecure about, knowing what makes her laugh and what ticks her off. Some of that comes from careful observation, some from conversation. Both require knowing how to read a woman, and listen to her, and what makes her tick, all of which are required to lead her in a way she finds fun and exciting instead of scary and controlling, or worse yet, BORING.

You need an edge, a thorough course in understanding all these things. Something that not only answers all these questions and needs, but trains you to be that guy that every woman wants and yours is proud to call her own, the guy who keeps her on her toes and on fire with anticipation and enjoys doing so because all the has to do is be himself. Does such a course exist?

Of course it does! Why else would I tell you that you need it??? ;-)

It’s called "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and you should go right now to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy so you can get started. You think not? How long has it been since your wife gave you a dirty look for no apparent reason, or you heard the words, “You never listen to me?” I rest my case. And if you’re a little unsure of how to get this play and banter thing going, about a third of the members at our forum, http://forum.makingherhapy.com/, are women, and many of them have said they’d be glad to help you figure it out, because they like to banter, too!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham