The New makingherhappy.com Forum is OPEN!

Well folks, as promised, it’s here. The makingherhappy.com forum is open, and as I said earlier, it’s in beta. Everything APPEARS to be working, but you can never really tell until you turn a bunch of people loose with something, you know?

Many of you have used online forums in the past, and may even be familiar with the engine behind this one, vBulletin. It’s big, powerful, and gives a lot of options for what you see, what you say, how you say it, who gets to see it, etc. You can say as much or as little about yourself as you want, including how to contact you, unlike a lot of other forums, so your privacy and ability to connect with other members is entirely in your hands, since we won’t share personal info with anyone for any reason except either by court order or in voluntary cooperation with law enforcement in tracking a stalker, sex offender, etc.

There are some features new to vBulletin forums, such as a Front Page, personal blogging, Facebook-style personal profile pages, and photo albums and sharing. There are also some things that are NOT standard forum fare, such as live chat, both in a chat room and one-on-one, mobile access (through Tapatalk, which lets you browse, search and post in vBulletin forums from your Blackberry, iPhone, or Nokia with Symbian 60 version 3 or 5, free for some phones and very cheap for others; I think it was $2.99 for my Nokia), social networking, and more.

And of course, there are forums. LOTS of forums. For both men and women, married/committed and single. And as the need arises there will be even MORE forums added. Some are free, some require a subscription (and if you check around the Internet, you’ll find these subscription fees to be almost too good to be true, because I want this thing to get HUGE, and FAST!), but for as long as we are in beta mode, all content will be free to all who register. More about registration in a minute.

What are all these forums for?

Good question, if I do say so myself. Following is a roster of all of the currently active forums and their intended purposes. This list will be kept current, and hence new forums may appear from time to time as members voice an interest or I want to offer something new, and if a forum goes inactive for a month or two it may be removed, at my sole discretion, just to keep things tidy.

And lurkers, be advised, most forum content, even the free, public content, requires registration. Registration is free and we’re not requiring registration so that we can spam you. We don’t send out e-mail offers nor share your e-mail address with anyone except by court order, and you do not have to expose your e-mail address or any other personally identifiable information to other members. We do however try to protect our users from stalkers and sex offenders, harassment, etc., and we will, if possible and at our sole discretion, prosecute anyone abusing or harassing our members in any way. Registration is for the protection of all, and facilitates IP address logging, so offenders may be prosecuted if they have the bad sense to walk among us.

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Welcome (Public)

Everything a new users needs or wants to know. If there is something you think would be useful to a new user and it's not here, by all means suggest it in the Suggestion Box forum. All users should read all content in the welcome forum before proceeding to the rest of the site.

Testimonials (Registered Members)

I have accumulated a lot of testimonials over the years and have never made most of them public. I will make some of them public in this forum, and members are also invited to write their own to post here. The hardest thing in this entire endeavor has not been helping people to find happiness, but to help people understand that THEY CAN find happiness. Relationship/marital problems cause a lot of frustration and anxiety, and as any of you who have read my bio know, there is much more bad information available than good (the reason I had to conduct this research and ended up publishing it in my book), and the only way that some people can know that anyone, including myself, can help them and that they can in fact live a happy life, even if it means starting completely over, is to hear someone who has already done it say so. And yeah, it’s advertising in part as well, but I sell all the books and coaching I need to sell and then some just on word-of-mouth referrals. Your testimonials, more than anything else, are for the sheer empowerment of people who may be looking at the biggest, scariest problem they have ever faced in their life, empowerment to try to make things better instead of wallowing in the squalor of comfortable unhappiness.

Newsletters (Registered Members)

I've produced many newsletters over the years that have been broadcast and appeared in blogs on Blogger, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, and my own site. As time permits, I will be placing current copies of the entire library in this forum, categorized. There will be more valuable information in this forum free of charge to all who want to read it than you will get out of most authors' premium products, so don't turn your nose up at it because it's free. It's good information, and if you have read THE Man's Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage it's even more valuable as continuing education.

At some point I will be combining all this material with the current e-book to create a master book, if I can get somebody to publish something that big in paper. It will really be THE book then!

Guest Book (Registered Members)

Stop in here and introduce yourself, leaving as much or as little biographical information as you like, what you'd like to learn or do here, or anything else you'd like to say about yourself or situation. This is a place to learn, but it's also a place to make friends.

Hobbies (Registered Members)

This is the place for guys to be guys. Ladies, you're welcome to join in too, of course. There are already some sub-forums created for specific hobbies, such as sports, and if you want a specific forum for your own hobby leave a note in the Suggestion Box forum. If I see a lot of threads starting on a particular area of interest I'll make a forum for them and move the threads. All users are allowed room for a picture album and posting pictures.

Also, I don't want this site spammed to death with the latest MLM get rich scheme, but if you have a hobby that allows you to sell what you produce, want to buy or sell supplies or tools for a hobby or know of a good place to do so, have sporting event or other hobby-related event tickets you need to sell, etc., I encourage you to do so. That includes whole cars, hot rod parts, and even firearms, as long as it is related to YOUR hobby. Warning: porn videos, ED and other drugs, insurance, real estate, mortgages and credit rebuilding services are NOT hobbies, so don't go there. Spammers will be banned, and prosecuted if possible; your IP address is recorded every time you sign on, so don't push your luck.

Stories (Registered Members)

Any story you want to tell, as long as it has a happy ending or a useful lesson, preferably about successes. This is not a forum for validation-seekers to air their idiocy or chronic whiners to chronically whine. If it's not educational or somehow uplifting, keep it to yourself. Stories of enjoyable dates are welcome; stories of sexual conquests are not. This is a place for men and women to enjoy each others' company and learn from each other, not a place approval-seekers, braggarts, predators, or parasites to feed their demon.

Suggestions (Registered Members)

Anything you would like to see, post a thread in this forum after making sure that nobody else already has. If a thread has already been posted about your idea, post a comment in that thread that you also like the idea and note any changes or enhancements that you would like to see. I'll make every effort to accommodate all reasonable requests as long as there are sufficient resources to maintain and support them.

Group Problem-Solving (VIP Bronze)

This is the place for talking about your relationship issues with those who have been before you, the step before intensive training or personal coaching with David Cunningham. It is NOT a place for the blind to lead the blind, nor is it a place for validation-seekers. If you want somebody to tell you that you were right and your spouse was wrong regardless of the facts, you won’t find it here. We’re here to help you improve your life, not blame someone else for your troubles. This is a place for achievers, not wannabes and whiners. And that’s part of the reason that the Group Problem-Solving forum is in the premium area. Whiners have plenty of free places to vent and seek approval. ;-)

The Lounge (VIP Bronze)

A place for those in committed relationships to hang out and have fun. Anything goes, but please, no politics or religion. This is a place to have fun, not recruit people to a cause or argue. And for those of you seeking “a little civil discourse to discuss your ideals,” seek it elsewhere. It’s a “lounge,” not a “lecture hall” or “debate table.” Another reason this forum is in the premium area, to be honest, is to keep those looking for a soapbox out, same idea as the whiners and validation-seekers.

VIP Suggestion Box (VIP Bronze)

Suggestions for the VIP areas. Make suggestions and comment on others’ suggestions. Popular suggestions may end up getting implemented even if I don’t particularly like them if they’re reasonable, so don’t worry about rejection. This is a place to learn and grow, but I also want it to be a place to make and enjoy friends. And it’s in the premium area for the same reason as the Lounge, to filter out the whiners and other ne’er-do-wells that tend to spoil the party.

Boot Camp (VIP Silver)

Remedial training for men who are so without a frame of reference for real manhood that they have a hard time shedding their old wuss programming and getting with us. Men of Oak, this is your chance to mentor those who aspire to be like you, and Ladies, this is your chance to help to mold a man. I will be taking an active part in this forum as well, as the world is running a little short on real men and this forum needs all the legitimate input it can get, as well as any politically correct or otherwise false ideas kyboshed before they can do any damage. I will be the final authority on what men-in-training are taught and on this site, my word is law, so those of you who take issue with the concept of a man actually acting like a man, seek like elsewhere, because in here you will be a flea on a dog’s back, occasionally irritating and usually ignored.

Hot Tips (VIP Silver)

You’re going to love this one. I’ll be posting tips in this forum that do NOT appear in newsletters and possibly not even in the current release of my book. It could be anything from a simple recipe that allows a man who has never cooked to wow his wife with a candlelight dinner to a sudden revelation about anything in the world, including things that don’t directly pertain to your relationship, but more to just living a happy life as a man, such as career, philosophy, or a great place to buy guy stuff; Ladies, you can bet that some of this will be relevant and useful to you, too. Members who have accumulated sufficient reputation points will also be allowed to post in this forum, but all VIP Silver members may read all content.

Singles Lounge (VIP Silver)

Yes, it happens. Sometimes married people get divorced. And then they eventually want to get back into the dating world, possibly for the first time in decades. One of the most frequent requests I get is for a singles matching service, especially from women wanting to meet men who have been through my program. So while I have historically avoided dating issues for the most part because there were too many in need of help with long-term committed relationships and marriages, through the magic of vBulletin (the software that drives this forum), I can finally offer help. I won’t be doing any matchmaking, but this is the place for singles to meet up, discuss what’s happening in the dating world now, protocols (“It was a great date. How long should I wait before I call them to say so? Should I send flowers? How long should I wait before going out with them again? Something seems off; is she taking me for a ride?”), etc. If you had a great date and want to talk about it, do so, but spare us the sexual conquest stories.

If you need to talk about that with somebody, do so by private messaging, but keep in mind that kissing and telling is disrespectful to your partner and to a large degree also projects approval-seeking and a lack of self-respect, and conquest itself speaks to the same problems. It’s supposed to be fun that you share with someone else, not a competition between the two of you with you trying to get in and her trying to keep you out.

Personal Ads Workshop (VIP Gold)

Ladies, this one is for your benefit, too. For those who are interested in posting a personal ad online or in a personals section somewhere, you may have already heard that most ads get no response. It’s not because personal ads are a bad idea, but because most people don’t know how to write a personal ad that is interesting to the opposite gender. Start a thread in this section with your personal ad and moderators, other members and I will help you by reviewing, commenting, and coaching. Men, tell the women how you respond to their ads, and Ladies, tell the men how you respond to their ads. NOT to each other, mind you, but to the ads, specifically whether the ad, not the person behind it, intrigues you, presents well, makes you want to read more. When ads are fully developed, they may be posted in the Personal Ads forum here in addition to wherever else you might care to deploy them. And again, Gentlemen, one of the most common requests I get from women, even more commonly than wanting to understand men, is wanting to meet men who have mastered what I teach, so don’t pass up that opportunity.

Personal Ads (VIP Gold)

Singles, if I have to explain the purpose of this forum, I think I can give you a really good guess as to why you’re still single. ;-) Just kidding, of course. This forum is for single men and women to post their personal ads after they have been fully developed. Exchange contact and other info at your own risk, of course. It is not my intent to train predators or parasites here, and I actively try to weed them out, but there is always the possibility of one slipping through, so vet your prospects carefully and follow common sense rules for meetings, such as meeting for a first date in a public place. I just searched Google for “dating safety tips” and came up with 16,400,000 hits at places like Match.com, so there is no excuse for you not knowing how to conduct yourself. Personal happiness, personal liberty, and all other personal pleasures and privileges come at the price of personal responsibility, and you have only one life, so treat it with the honor and respect that such a rare and precious resource deserves.

Ladies’ Book Club (VIP Gold)

Ladies, this forum is for you to make friends and discuss whatever you like, as long as it’s not politics or religion, openly and honestly amongst friends. Men, this forum is for you to observe, first and foremost, that your communications problems with your significant other are not because she’s weird or hard to get along with by observing how women interact with each other. Do NOT post; if you have a question for one of the women posting here about something that is going on and you want to understand why she asked or said something, use private messaging. The value of this forum will be diminished if men start posting in it and interfering with the discussions, so don’t do it. If there’s something happening in here that you want to discuss openly, do so in The Lounge. If it proves more useful, we’ll set up a separate forum for such discussions aside from The Lounge. The software that drives this site is very versatile and feature-rich, and I’ll be doing everything I can to improve the overall usability of everything here for you folks.

Ask David (VIP Gold)

This is the last step before private coaching, and it differs from the Group Problem-Solving Forum in that I and I alone will be answering questions. If you have a relationship or marriage issue that you don’t mind disclosing in front of others, I will answer specific questions about specific situations in this forum. This is not a group discussion forum; questions and answers are recorded here for others to learn from, not to comment on. At this level, things are tense and potentially volatile, so we really do not want to risk a “blind leading the blind” situation causing you problems.

And be advised, I am a consultant and professional troubleshooter, not a traditional “counselor” or “therapist.” I go over the details of your situation with you and point out specific cause-and-effect relationships, just as I do in telephone coaching consultations. There will be no asking of nebulous, non-descript questions to help you brainstorm and eventually trip over an answer that causes a light bulb to come on. We will get down to the crucial details by eliminating all non-factual elements, including assumptions, emotional influences, etc., and the details will speak for themselves in terms of cause and effect relationships and actions to be taken.

This forum is partially taking the place of the coaching I used to do by e-mail, addressing specific issues, not hypotheticals, and if problems become too complex or otherwise difficult to address in this manner, I will suggest personal coaching to you, but I’m willing to try this first if you are. It saves you money and gives others something to learn from. Content from this forum will NOT appear in daily newsletter lessons without the express (that’s legalese for “written”) consent of the person who started the thread. I respect the privacy of all members and I insist that members respect each other’s privacy as well; don’t be posting things you see here on other blogs without the consent of the person who started the thread. Blogging is great, but like any tool it can cause just as much damage as it can fix, and sometimes more.

Private Coaching (VIP Platinum)

VIP Platinum members will have virtually unlimited direct access to me for addressing specific relationship and marriage issues (and at my discretion, possibly others as well), including my personal cell phone number. This forum is where I will post my current telephone number, any relevant scheduling information, etc., that might help to facilitate access for coaching purposes. It will not contain coaching transcripts or anything for members to learn from unless members who receive coaching post it, as coaching at this level is very personal and private and I will not disclose it.

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That’s it for now, folks. It’s been a long time coming, but it’s here. And it will be constantly evolving as members and I discover new uses, needs, and functionality. Come on in, register, and make yourself at home. It’s brand new and there are very few posts, so come on in and make history by being among the first. It’s the new center of the makingherhappy.com community, your community. Respect it, protect it, learn from it – and each other – and enjoy it.

David Cunningham

The Right Attitude To Be a Happy Man In a Great Relationship or Marriage

My favorite motivational poem, which projects the true spirit of the unconquerable alpha male, who does takes both action and full responsibility for his actions, and how the confident attitude it projects will make you absolutely ooze attraction. AND! An announcement about the makingherhappy.com forum: IT’S OPEN!

First, the big announcement: The makingherhappy.com forum is open, at http://forum.makingherhappy.com/. I’ve been working on it for a few months, and after a couple of false starts requiring starting over with more feature-rich software and eventually still having to generate a lot of custom code, it’s up in beta mode, meaning that it’s open and functional, but may need some tweaking for usability, and there are still things I want to add to it, so I’m looking for feedback on how things work, features you would like to see that aren’t there yet, etc.

All access to all areas is free to all registered members (registration is free and for your protection, and your privacy is both respected and guarded, as you will see when you reach the site) for as long as we’re still in beta mode, which should be a month to six weeks. After that, you’ll find the subscription prices lower than you could imagine for what you’ll be receiving, for reasons also explained when you get there.

There’s something there for everyone, including women and singles. That’s right, singles. Women and have been writing to me asking to meet men who have been through my program, and divorced men have been asking for help in easing back into the dating world, and it’s there, waiting for you, along with live chat in both a chat room and person-to-person chat, personal blogging, Facebook-style profile pages, photo albums to share, and a lot more. I’ll be following this newsletter with a detailed announcement of what’s available, what’s intended, etc., so stay tuned.

I also have another special treat for you, my favorite motivational poem of all time. Many of you may have read it, but I’ve met few who ever gave it serious study and consideration. And that’s a shame, when you see what it holds for you that could help a man, relationship and marriage.

Most people remember and even quote that last line or two, but few remember their origin and have never really studied the poem, trying to live the part of the main character, and exploring and adopting the attitude expressed. Read it carefully, once for understanding of what the character is saying, and then a second time to try to feel what they are feeling, and we'll discuss it and how it relates to your relationship and building attraction afterward.

Invictus
By W.E. Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods there be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced or cried aloud;
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this vale of doubt and fear
Looms but the terror of the Shade
And, yet, the passing of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the Master of my Fate,
I am the Captain of my Soul.

So let’s dig into this, deeply, and see what Henley knew about being a man and how that might help you get your life and relationship or marriage back on track. To make sure you get the context, “Invictus” is "soliloquy," defined in "The American Heritage Dictionary" as “A dramatic or literary form of discourse in which a character reveals his or her thoughts when alone or unaware of the presence of other characters." He’s not trying to impress anyone; he’s alone and thinking or speaking only to himself.

Speaking of gender, we don't know whether the character is a man or woman, but everyone assumes it is a man when they read it, because the feeling generated is that typical of an alpha male - independent, strong, railing against the storm so to speak. He is in complete darkness, according to the first paragraph, possibly in a prison or dungeon cell, or in an apartment or bedroom, utterly alone and celebrating his own sense of self and character. In the second stanza, he says that no matter what has happened to him, he's taken it and moved on.

He's been beaten up, but not beaten down, and certainly not beaten into submission. In the third stanza, rather reminiscent of Psalm 23 of the Christian Bible ("vale of doubt and fear" is identical allegory to "valley of the shadow of death," "the terror of the Shade" being the angel of death or god of the underworld, as in the first stanza we see that Henley's character is religious, but not Christian, as his “gods” are unidentified and existence questioned – “whatever gods there be”), he says that life is uncertain, and the afterlife possibly more so, yet he has no concern for that.

He goes on in the fourth saying that it matters not how he is judged ("how straight the gate" is an allusion to several different versions of Heaven and Hell, and “the scroll” is the judgment of his life) because he lived his life making his own choices, and is perfectly prepared to accept the consequences of those choices. His world and his choices are simply, utterly, and relentlessly, his own.

Why? Is it ego? Conceit? Hardly. Ego and conceit are not signs of confidence, but of a lack thereof, the leper's bell of someone lacking self-esteem and trying to fake it. This character has simply chosen to command his own life, to do with it the best he can, to accept all challenges to his life and well-being, and if he is to lose a battle, he will regroup, re-engage, and ultimately win the war.

What image does this paint for you? A sniveling, craven little wuss huddled in a corner of a dark room? I should say, "not just no, but hell no!" A man standing straight, tall, shoulders back, feet at shoulder width, head held high, ready for action; he may not own the world, but he certainly commands what part of it is around him. So blatantly heroic an image that it's not hard for a cape whipping in the breeze to enter the picture if you're not careful.

Why do I bother going through all of this about a poem? Wake up, gentlemen! This is the guy every woman wants her partner to be! At the very least, it is the image of him that she wants to hold, strong, confident, moving through the world with a purpose that is his own, in command (not CONTROL, mind you!) and in demand. Do you want to know one of the best-kept secrets in all of existence? Every one of us is born this way!

Really! Look at small children. They try to do things assuming that they will succeed. They don’t jump off the back of the couch and land face-first on the floor because they’re stupid; it’s because they’ve not yet learned that there are things that are impossible. Unfortunately, as they grow older, they learn a lot more than the simple physics of gravity, inertia, and motion that would keep them from jumping off the couch and busting their face again.

It is failure that they (we!) learn, and which plagues us all for the rest of our lives if we let it. The operational phrase there is "if we let it." It's a choice. Failure of any kind is a choice, a choice to be defeated instead of a choice to learn all we can, give something our best effort, and if it doesn't work out, to acknowledge that it required more resources - whether time, money, energy, relationships, or whatever - than we were able to muster, and to make course corrections so that we continue the journey toward something desirable. No matter what the outcome of any endeavor, it is only a failure if we choose to declare it so, and choose to be a loser or victim instead of a contender and survivor. And as long as a man truly gives something his best effort, he cannot fail; the only failure is to fail to rationally address an issue and meet it with whatever he can reasonably muster.

Do you realize that humans are the only species on Earth with the power of volitional choice - the power to think and choose everything, instead of simply growing to the point of being able to survive and then having all development stop? Intellect allows us to reach a point of being able to survive, then surpass that point and flourish, improving our standard of living, and possibly that of others around us and in generations to come. We are the top of the food chain for that reason and none other. Contrary to popular belief, being human isn't something for which one should apologize (..."I can't help it. I'm only human..."), it's something to which one should aspire! (Be a REAL man! Or be a REAL Woman! I think, therefore I succeed!)

Those whom women find the most attractive are those who have aspired to be and finally became supremely human men, the alpha male - the strong, confident male, able to make logical decisions, formulate successful plans, and carry them out with all the confidence in the world that he can do just that, who looks not at his feet, but at the horizon, and onward to the next world he is to master. Be that man; it's your choice, and her dream. Make both of you happy. If you have to, print this poem and put it where you can read it while you shave every morning. (Yes, EVERY morning! Real men have more self-respect than to run around with two-day old stubble on their face and “bed hair” trying to look like a thug or a flake, no matter what might be “in style”!) Memorize it, and recite it several times throughout the day. Get it done.

It’s time to take charge, and make the world your own. She'll notice. It’s not an act. It’s a matter of first learning how things work and what the best behavior is, then toning down your bad behavior while enhancing the good behavior, and then adding to the good behavior with other traits that you can enjoy having and she will enjoy seeing. There’s a full explanation of all of this and an effective training seminar to help you put it all to work in a natural, stress-free manner, in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” so download it now at http://www.makingherhappy.com/. Go ahead, do it now, and start living the “unconquered” life, because life is too short to live it otherwise.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Wusses Are Boring and Non-Wusses Are Mean? Untangling Conflicting Signals in Relationships and Marriage

The Great Female Contradiction (being a wuss is boring, but being a non-wuss is mean), and how to deal with it to have a happy relationship and marriage.

It’s always an interesting morning when the “mailbag” (my e-mail inbox) contains several concerns over accusations of sounding “mean.” This is a point that every man and woman who is going through a relationship makeover needs to understand. It’s covered in detail in “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” but I’m going to give you a crash course this morning so you’ll know what it’s about and that it can be handled without bloodshed and is actually an incredibly good sign that you are doing the right things and your efforts are paying off.

Meet Scott D., who seems to do the best job of succinctly stating the problem:

Hi David,

I bought your book and signed up for your newsletters almost a month ago, and I must tell you that I am pretty impressed with both the writing and the results I am seeing. I am not accustomed to someone writing to me in the same style and tone as if we were just sitting and talking, and it has made it both an enjoyable read (my wife calls you “her favorite smart-ass”) and a huge help in recognizing past mistakes and correcting them. The change in my wife is noticeable. As I get more ballsy and playful, she gets more sexy and playful. But, there is something I have to ask you about.

Sometimes when she is “being a brat” (I would have never thought of her pouty, whining, demanding behavior that way before reading your book) and I bust on her to let her know that she needs to grow up and lighten up she says that I am “just mean.” She says it kind of sheepishly with a hint of both a pout and a smile, like she has been caught off-guard (or with her hand in the cookie jar) and a bit embarrassed, but I can not help but wonder if she is hinting at something that I am not picking up on and if I am setting myself up to be punished for something if I do not catch on soon, so I am asking you, straight up, what is going on? Please respond, because things are going so well that I would hate to blow it over missing a signal.

Take care, and thanks!
Scott D.

My reply:

Well, Scott, congratulations on taking control of your life and working for the results and the life you want! You’re not missing anything. You’ve caught her in a somewhat juvenile attention-getting ploy, and she’s a little embarrassed because she’s not used to you (or any man) “getting it” – knowing that she’s being a brat and not wussing out and surrendering control to her. It sometimes makes them a bit uncomfortable until they get used to the new, “alpha male” you. It’s no big deal, and don’t dwell on it and make it one. [She sees it, is surprised, tests to see if it’s real, finds out that it is, sexes up and lives happily ever after. One of my favorite stories.] And whatever you do, don’t “explain it to her.” That makes it seem like an act and steals the magic away.

We’re all a bit resistant to change, even when it’s for the better. She doesn’t want you to be a wuss, and she doesn’t want to be in total control (at least not if she’s not emotionally damaged from some prior trauma). Women want to know if we are real men, ready and able to lead and protect, or really are just wusses pretending to be real men until we have them hooked into some kind of complicated commitment like marriage or a mortgage. They’re not trying to take control, and not trying to make us wusses, but all the testing can eventually perpetuate the result she doesn’t want, because we can get either tired of the testing or insecure about it and wuss out if we don’t know what’s going on or aren’t pure in our desire to be a man and live happily as such.

This is really important for both sexes to understand, and I will probably die preaching this sermon. The tests make it look like they want us to wuss out, and since the testing stops when we finally do, it appears that we get rewarded with a discontinuation of the minor abuse that constitutes the test, so we somewhat logically but incorrectly deduce that we gave them what they wanted. It’s incorrect because we didn’t know some things that needed to go into the equation before logic could work, starting with “no woman wants to live with (again, unless she’s severely damaged) a wuss that gives into her every whim.”

In the end, years of testing and having you and other men wuss out on her have created a habit of feeling in control. She just needs to break the habit so she can fully enjoy the rush she gets from being attracted to you again. You will never, EVER chase a woman off by making her feel attraction, unless she’s so insecure or emotionally scarred that she equates attraction with abuse or some other trauma and runs from it.

While we are on the subject, if she hooked up with you while in this damaged state, there are several things you can be sure of: she was never attracted to you, doesn’t want to be attracted to you, was and is probably using you as a safe haven from men she would be attracted to, and most likely will run like hell if she starts feeling attraction for you. Logic leaves no alternatives. You can let her run, or try to hang with her while she fixes it; be advised that people who are damaged that badly seldom fix it, even with love and lots of therapy, so if you decide to hang with it, establish some sort of time table and performance criteria so that you don’t waste your whole life waiting for the impossible.

Take care,
David

Make no mistake, attraction is biological, not logical, so virtually all women seek it and respond to it. Indeed, a woman’s first criteria in evaluating a man is this rule: “If you can’t stand up TO me, you can’t stand up WITH me or FOR me.” But don’t sweat it. If you do what men are born to do, it happens quite naturally, and once it happens, many women will literally kill to protect that feeling, so you can imagine what an effect it has on a committed relationship, and how destructive its loss can be as well.

To know all you need to know about attraction, communication, compatibility, evaluation, and many other things that are crucial to a life-long happy relationship, go to http://www.makingherhappy.com and download your copy of “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage” and see how you can kick your relationship up to notches unknown to humankind!

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Are You Looking for Success or Attention? Proper Motivation for a Happy Life and a Great Relationship or Marriage

Do you do what you do to enjoy doing it well, or to be seen doing it? Attractive behavior isn’t just an act to try to mimic an alpha male. It’s the result of BEING the alpha male, a real man of competence and confidence, which virtually any man can be. It’s both his birthright and responsibility, and for the vast majority of men requires only shedding some programming and attitudes that are oppressive, stressful, and lead to gross insecurity and stagnation in all parts of a man’s life. Read on and learn why and how!

I’ve mentioned in the past that I don’t watch much television, and the little I watch is either informative (news, how-to, or self-improvement) or mentally challenging, and when I find an on-screen example of something readers can watch for an example or explanation of attraction and attractive behavior, I write about it, because a picture is truly worth a thousand words.

Having been deeply involved in alternative medicine for all of my adult life and more, the NBC series “House” (about a doctor who’s supposed to be the world’s best diagnostician and determines what’s wrong with people when nobody else can – and this season’s premier didn’t disappoint) is challenging (the writers rarely make a medical mistake, but when they do, it’s hilarious, such as when Dr. House had a sinus allergy and claimed to take 1,000 mg of diphenhydramine, the little pink pills that most of the rest of us know as “Benadryl,” and are dosed out at 25 mg per tablet, meaning that he took a dose of 40 of those little pink pills, which would likely ruin an elephant’s day and knock a human out for a month), and the governing dynamics of the personalities of the characters on the show are diverse, well-conceived and fascinating.

Dr. House is an alpha male, but with a twist. He’s brilliant, strong, funny, cocky, etc., but somebody on the writing staff apparently is intimidated by alpha males because they gave him a permanently damaged right leg and chronic pain to go with it, and a hydrocodone bitartrate (Vicodin, et al, regarded as “morphine-like in all respects” according to http://www.streetdrugs.org/hydrocodone.htm) addiction to go with the pain, which I find somewhat perverse, but it does make for some interesting twists in the plots.

One episode featured a doctor who spent his entire career treating tuberculosis in remote parts of Africa, contracted the disease himself, but with a pancreatic tumor that caused life-threatening symptoms unrelated to the tuberculosis. What was interesting about the character, and what both the character of Dr. House and I took exception to, was that this doctor didn’t present the appearance of doing the job to do it well, but to be seen doing it; he was constantly courting the media, even to the extent of refusing treatment for his own tuberculosis and calling a press conference to call attention to it.

The script writers did a good job of keeping it unclear as to whether the character’s main motivation was altruism or a need for attention, but it made me think about some of the letters I’ve received from readers of this newsletter and my blogs, complaining that it was hard to keep up the image of an alpha male and call sufficient attention to themselves without being too obvious. That’s an understatement if ever there was one; one that makes me want to pull my hair out, because DOING IT IS INFINITELY EASIER THAN FAKING IT.

First, putting on an act for a woman, especially in the long term, is a practical impossibility. The sheer fear of being caught putting on the act creates insecurity that gives it away, and no matter how many times I state that to some people, they still don’t get it. Attractive behavior is not the result of some theatrical effort or following some script; it’s the result of BEING attractive, having the confidence, attitude, wit, and competence to naturally be in this attractive state. You can fake it a little and for a short time in an emergency, but the successful on-going presentation of alpha male behavior depends entirely on the successful attainment of alpha male characteristics, which is not difficult at all, and a lot of fun.

So you see, the “trick” is NOT to act attractive and find a way to call attention to it that doesn’t give away the fact that you are trying to call attention to yourself. Seeking attention (or approval) is the opposite of alpha male behavior, regardless of why you’re doing it. That’s why the PUA’s and their peacocking (“Styles,” “Mystery,” etc., a la Neil Strauss’s “The Game”) is so bloody annoying to the rest of us.

(In one of John Alanis’s newsletters, he talked about getting almost mad enough to deck one of them. A PUA cut in on John while he was talking to a woman and the “wingman” running block for him kept putting his arm around John like he was some sort of buddy. All I can say is that John is probably a little more patient than I could have been with either one of them, and the PUA’s still lost in the end because he got the girl. John tells some very interesting stories and I highly recommend his newsletter as both entertaining and, if you are divorced and dating or wanting to start dating again, educational, as is Shelley McMurtry’s.)

Indeed, there is no trick, and the solution is far easier to pull off. You must simply understand what it is that women respond to with attraction, which turns out to be confident, fun, intelligent, “cock of the walk” behavior that any man who enjoys his life with exhibit naturally, realize that there are some things in your life that you can take pride in, develop them so that you can fully enjoy that pride, see yourself as worthy of having fun and enjoying your life, and let nature take its course. While nature is taking its course, you learn all you can about women, especially what they enjoy and how they communicate, so you can recognize the feedback that they’ve been giving you for years. Feedback that you were never able to interpret because you didn’t realize it was feedback. What???

Yes, they really have been giving you feedback for years, but most of it is non-verbal, and the verbal part is very indirect. For instance, when a woman says she wants a man “who just knows what she wants,” she isn’t speaking of a psychic (unless she’s a complete idiot just “parroting” something she’s heard other women say). She’s saying, “I want a manly man who does manly things, and pays enough attention to me to learn how to communicate with me so I don’t have to explain everything to him like I would a three-year old.” She saying that she wants a guy who is a guy, but who knows to communicate with guys like guys and be more perceptive and attentive when communicating with a woman, recognizing her social nature and her need to negotiate and be a social conduit instead of stating, reporting, and dictating as men do. Where’d that come from?

You’re right. Most women would never come out and explain that to a man, but a few of the very smart ones are always on the lookout for men who want to communicate effectively with them, and I had 118 of them who were in long-term committed relationships or marriage plus nearly a hundred more who were single respond to a survey I conducted before researching “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” They taught me everything they could think of about how women communicate with each other and how that affects the way the communicate with men, and when we finished that training, we talked – in “girly-speak,” or “feminese” as one of my readers is fond of saying – about what they thought they wanted in men and what they actually respond to, and exploded many, many myths, especially about the “nice guy.” (You’ll be shocked when you find out about the one version of the “nice guy” that women do respond well to, and you’ll do so when you read my book!)

As we made lists upon lists of good and bad behavior and what caused it, we got their male partners (husbands and boyfriends, for future reference) involved, and tested everything we’d found. Some we fine tuned and improved, some wasn’t as consistent as I wanted because it was affected by culture or personal taste and was culled; everything that made it into the book worked for 90% or more of the couples, and in the end, everybody’s relationship was improved to the point of being fun and exciting again, not because the men learned how to act, but because they learned how to be and live NATURALLY as “real men,” which creates – BY DEFAULT – the very behavior that women respond to best, because it’s genuine, stress-free, fun and exciting for everyone involved.

There were even unexpected benefits of improved sleep, motivation to diet and exercise, children doing better in school, and a closer-knit family because the parents were feeling better about themselves, setting better examples for the kids and creating a more nurturing environment for them. (How nurturing an environment is it when parents are bored, frustrated, avoiding home and yet scared of their family coming apart at the seams, or worse, so frustrated by an unhappy marriage that they no longer care if it comes apart at the seams?)

The bottom line is that there are no tricks, no magic bullet, no cute lines or secret potions (or positions!) that will save a stale relationship, but the solution to the problem is far easier and more enjoyable than employing any deception could ever be. It’s in my book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and it’s waiting for you at http://www.makingherhappy.com/, fully tested, proven and ready to deploy. Go get it and get busy, because life is too short to spend it enjoying your relationship even a little less than the most it can be enjoyed. Don’t settle; SUCCEED! (And you’d be doing yourself a favor to make that your personal motto, too!)

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Why Women Read Romance Novels and How They Can Help Your Relationship and Marriage

A female reader tells all about why women read romance novels, especially in bed, what men can learn from this, and how men can actually benefit from this. Gentlemen, I strongly urge you to pay attention to this…

I hope you’re having a really great day today, and if you’re not, there’s no better time to start than now.

Before I understood attraction and how important it is to women to experience it because their brain structure and chemistry can make them need (often to the point of addiction) frequent (and sometimes intense) emotional indulgences, I thought romance novels were the biggest waste of time, energy, and effort on the planet next to trying to make soy products resemble real meat. A girlfriend had dared me to read one when I was in high school, betting me that I couldn’t even finish it, let alone understand it.

Well, I finished it, but she was right, I didn’t understand it. The plot was absurd, the characters ridiculous, and everything seemed to center around some guy who had just got out of prison, wore tight jeans with no underwear, and was a total bad boy hooligan. I wish I had received the following letter about 30 years ago, because things would have sure been a lot different from high school forward. Meet Karen:

Dear David,

I have something I would like to share with your male readers. Have you ever wondered why your wife or girlfriend reads romance novels? What do we find so great about reading about people who do not even exist in real life? Well I am here to tell you what the real truth is on this subject. We get our thrills feeling attraction for the men in these books when we are reading them.

Has your woman ever been reading in bed and then suddenly put down the book and wanted to have sex with you? I am sure it has happened because most of us women do that. Why? Because the book we have been reading is so hot we want the same thing. I have sit in my bed and skipped boring parts of books just to get to a hot steamy sex scene and then wanted to jump my husband while the other man was still fresh in my mind.

Now I know some of you men are saying “well why would I want to have sex with her if she is thinking of someone else?” Think about it. You could be that man for her if you wanted to. IF you were that man why would she need the books? Is that not the question you should ask yourself? As a woman I think most men should think about that. If you are not sure what she is reading let her read to you a small section of the book and get the idea of what she is attracted to in a man. Even if you are only pretending to listen to it all at least listen to the part that is what she finds so hot and exciting. I know not everyone is going to have the bearskin rug in front of the fire place, but you can at least learn how she wants to be touched and caressed with your hands if nothing else. Instead of being jealous of her fantasies, live them with her, and learn from them.

We read because we are missing that attraction element in our own lives, not to read about others having sex. Any man can learn new things so what are you waiting for? Why not be that man in the book instead of her reading about someone else and having sex with you while her eyes are closed and dreaming you are the lover in the book she just laid down? It IS possible and with David's book you can be that man and just watch her throw away those romance novels.

You become her romance novel and see if she does not want you before she ever picks up a book.

Thank you so much David I have not read a romance novel in over two months now. I do not have to. I gave your book to my husband and he has learned enough from it and me after reading it that I am walking on clouds or swimming in fire most of the time now. Maybe I should start writing romance novels.

Karen

Wow Karen! Thanks for writing. I’ve tried to get the men to read a romance novel or two, and the ones that have written back say it was weird but enlightening, but maybe your explanation will get through to some of them that didn’t choose to listen to me.

Guys, for the purpose of entertaining a guy, romance novels are probably about as lame as a one-legged horse and therefore as useless as teats on a boar hog (yes, I grew up on a farm). But as an educational tool, they can contain a wealth of knowledge. Like I said, they usually have nothing intriguing in the way of a plot; the storyline’s only purpose is to transition from one emotional scene to the next, which it does by moving some alpha male character with a tendency to either exert or flaunt authority – in either case, “defining” authority by breaking rules or making his own – and usually some naughty, fun thing about him to get the women interested and dreaming. The tension builds, and then they dive into the sex scene with that image of that attractive guy having flipped all their attraction triggers, got their juices flowing, both figuratively and literally.

Truth be told, it’s the literary equivalent of the merger of soft por’n with a “B” movie, but it does the job – it gets her stoked up, and if you’re anywhere near her when it happens, she’s likely to “jump your bones” to relieve all that sexual tension that the book has built up and she might otherwise be prone to relieve herself in private, if you don’t blow it and turn her off by ignoring her or griping at her for reading her book.

And don’t think for a second that because you don’t hear moaning noises coming from the bathroom after she lays her book down that she can’t or won’t relieve herself in private, either, Buster. Women absolutely thrive on anticipation, and may wait days or even weeks to finally scratch that itch, savoring the “slow burn” as they call it for days on end. And when she does finally relieve that tension, she may not do it alone. She may enlist a friend, maybe even one of YOUR friends, to bring all that fantasizing to a thundering climax. So you can see how it’s imperative that YOU be the object and cause of her attraction, because as surely as the sun will rise in the East tomorrow morning, SOMEBODY is going to be the object and cause of her attraction! You’ve been warned…

That’s the short-term, up-close view; what about the long-term and wide-angle view? First, if she’s reading romance novels, it’s to get something that you should be providing for her and you’re not. You may not like the sound of that, but it’s reality. If she’s bored enough to be reading a romance novel, it’s your failure to create attraction that has left this deficit that she is filling with the book, and denying it will not change it. Deal with it, and deal with it quickly, because if the books stop working she may indeed resort to a real live man, one who doesn’t answer to your name, and there’s no amount of love in the universe that can make up for an attraction deficit.

It’s nice to think that love conquers all and is the answer to everything, but in real life, it doesn’t, it isn’t, and if you don’t think so, snoop around a little and get a fix on how many sexual affairs are conducted by men and women who love their partners and will never leave them, but are having affairs because they are so pathetically and desperately bored. You will find that it is most of them. Why?

Attraction and love are two entirely separate emotions and are not in any way dependent on each other or related, and both have to be present in a long-term committed relationship if the relationship is to last, unless you are so open-minded that an “open relationship” might be for you. For women, a day without attraction is literally like a day without sunshine – dull, gloomy, boring, and depressing. If your wife is reading romance novels, you need to brighten things up, fast.

Reading a romance novel might help you get a feel for attraction, but there are much easier ways. To get a glimpse of it, just ask your wife to read to you her favorite passage from her favorite romance novel. Watch her pupils dilate and her breathing intensify as she does. You’ll get the picture, especially if she pounces on you when she finishes. However, there is a much better way, a way that involves reading a book written for men, pointing out everything for you and explaining it in detail with examples of how things work and how to improve your attitude and personality so that attractive behavior occurs naturally, for the long haul, not as part of an act that you nervously fear having her see through at an inopportune time.

It’s called “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage,” and it’s an instantly downloadable e-book in Adobe’s Portable Document Format (PDF file). It’s 118 letter-size pages of proven information on evaluating your relationship, communicating with a woman effectively (yes, you really can do that!), and how attraction works, how to create it, and how to kill it. Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com right now and download your copy, and do a little reading of your own before you find that your partner’s no longer content with reading.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

What Are Outside Influences Doing to YOUR Relationship and Marriage?

Is your environment, especially the part of it you choose and create for yourself, increasing or killing your attractiveness? It’s easy to tell by taking a good look around you, if you know what to look for. Do you?

I get a lot of mail from men who are feeling bad about themselves, complaining that their wives disrespect them, don’t like their job, feel like they’re alone and have no friends, and generally have a crappy outlook on life. There are a lot of causes for this, but generally when a man is disrespected, disregarded, and/or has nobody around him he would call a friend, it’s the result of bad attitude. And that’s fixable.

Most of the causes of both good and poor attitude are in the things that surround us daily. Let’s take a look at your living and work environments to see what they may be doing for you, or TO you. Much of male attractiveness is the direct result of attitude, self-esteem, and confidence, and your environment can impact those things directly, so it can impact your attractiveness directly, which in turn determines how – and whether – those around you will want to interact with you.

Feeling good about yourself requires that you take action to succeed, which in turn requires that you feel worthy of success and motivated to go after it. How does your environment affect you in this regard? Everything around you can impact you, so let’s look at some of the big ones to give you a feel for what to look for, and you can refine your search from there. Let’s start with music.

Yes, that’s a biggie! Even if you aren’t listening actively, it’s still there, being interpreted and assimilated, and there are subconscious mechanisms that act upon what you hear, so to what influences are you exposing yourself? First, what do you choose to listen to? If it’s depressing, as a lot of alternative rock, death metal, and some country and honky tonk, ballads, and of course, blues can be, it’s working on you. In my own experience, according to pop culture lore Michael Bolton was a great guy, but his music was so depressing that I couldn’t listen to it, and while I like some of the instrumental portions of Iron Maiden and Metallica, the death-oriented lyrics of many of their songs make me want to just shake somebody and tell them to wake up and get a clue. (The same goes for the angry-sounding rap that glorifies rape and cop-killing; fortunately, this isn’t all rap, just the worst of it.)

It’s a shame, too. Whether you like “hard” rock or not, there is no denying, debating, or escaping the fact that Trent Reznor, the heart of Nine Inch Nails, is a modern-day Mozart. Really. The richness and complexity of his composition easily rivals Mozart if you listen to it actively. However active listening also requires that you hear the lyrics, which caused one music critic to describe Reznor as “having taken self-loathing to an art form.” But what do you expect from a guy who just broke his 20-year heroin addiction he was toward the end of when that critic spoke. It’s hard to write happy or uplifting song lyrics when you hate yourself that badly.

I grew up in an area where country, bluegrass, and honky tonk music was popular, and in my childhood, country music was all about trouble. Even if somebody had something good to say in a song, it was in the context of missing it, or somebody else having it and wishing they could have it. I can remember even as a small child wondering why people wanted to listen to songs that spoke of people hurting each other, breaking up, divorcing, being lonely, etc., and I could see that those who listened to depressing music were depressed. That made me wonder which was the cause and which was the effect. I learned later in college that it goes both ways, and once in the rut, it forms a feedback loop that sustains and even amplifies itself.

Even if you’re not choosing what you listen to, as in cases where you have piped-in music in your office that someone else chooses, or have a partner or a child that tends to dominate the household music listening (which luckily isn’t as bad these days since personal computers and personal MP3 players make private listening much easier), you may consciously just ignore it, but your subconscious mind ignores nothing. Hence, the music you expose yourself to, at least with regard for helping you to maintain a positive attitude and good self-image, needs to be fun, uplifting, motivating, etc., providing at least some positive influence; at worst, it should be attitude neutral, like some form of light instrumental or dance music.

What about television? Do you watch informative shows that help you feel better-prepared to achieve? Comedies to help break the tension? Heroic adventures to see the good guys kill the bad guys and go home with the girl for “gratuitous whoopee”? Or do you watch sad stories, a.k.a., “human interest” stories, where the object is to pull you in to feeling sorry for the subject? Or nothing but news, which tends to be negative because disaster gets better ratings that acts of heroism? Being informed is necessary, but you have to be careful of the source, because between sensationalism and bias, it can wreck your outlook and attitude in a cold minute. How can anyone expect to have a good outlook on life if a good portion of what they see every day is negative? There is obviously a lot you can’t choose, but there is also a lot that you can, so choose well.

Speaking of what you see in the workplace, how is your job affecting your outlook on life? Are you well-suited to your chosen profession and advancing through achievement? Are you appreciated and rewarded by your current employer? Do you enjoy getting out of bed in the morning to start your work day or do you leave home at the last possible minute and arrive a few minutes late every day because you just really don’t want to be there?

High self-esteem comes from achievement and no other source, and in everyday life, that means mainly from success at productive work or a productive hobby, one that offers challenge – eating donuts or watching football is not a productive hobby. It’s a “pastime,” and you need to distinguish between them. Pastimes provide no mental challenge. That’s why I cringe when baseball is described as “America’s favorite pastime.” Passively watching the game is a pastime, but playing, coaching, or even scorekeeping is absolutely not. So make sure that in addition to work, you have at least one real hobby and not just a bunch of pastimes sucking up the time and energy you could be using to enjoy achieving and feel better about yourself.

Getting back to work, if your work conditions keep you from feeling like you are accomplishing anything, either in your job or your career, or if it’s swallowing you (as seems to be frequently portrayed on police dramas like “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit,” or any of the various flavors of “Crime Scene Investigation” where the officers are constantly exposed to the worst elements of human behavior and cannot avoid it because their job is to deal with it), depression and unattractive behavior is virtually inevitable.

The statistics available on divorce rates bear it out, too, by the way. Social workers, vice cops, criminal lawyers, and doctors all have higher divorce rates than bakers, telephone operators, etc. If your chosen field is killing your marriage or has killed more than one and marriage is important to you, it’s time to look at a career change, even if it’s a bit of a step backwards. And before you say, “But I can’t afford to make less money!” how long is it going to take you to pay for another divorce? A career change might actually be cheaper in the long run.

Take a hard, objective look at your job and your career, and if it is not satisfying you, talk with a professional headhunter or placement agency, no matter what you do now or think you may be capable of doing. They stay in business by competently matching people with good jobs, and often have aptitude tests and other placement aids they will be glad to offer you on the chance that they may be able to pick up a commission by placing you in a good job. And don’t let the idea of a career change scare you into failing to act. You may be surprised at how radical a career switch you can make but still be able to leverage your experience and be able to make more of a lateral – or UPWARD LATERAL! --move instead of having to start over at the bottom of another career path.

Another huge influence, and the last one I’ll speak about today, are the people around you. Achievers will influence you to achieve, and slackers and miscreants of every flavor, being unwilling to do what is necessary to achieve, will seek justification and validation by spreading their defeatist attitude around like a virus.

You know them, the people to whom you announce good news and they insist that all good fortune is either fleeting or something bad must happen to you to pay for your good fortune, and they’re always blaming their sorry life and lack of achievement on limited opportunities and some oppressive entity or system instead of doing what achievers do to make their own opportunities. You may include these people in your circle of “friends,” but they are not friends. Friends don’t try to impede the happiness of friends by trying to negate every good thing that comes their way.

If you have any of these people around, even if they are blood relatives, get them out of your life before they take you down with them; if they had any interest in climbing out of their funk, they would have done something about it already, so don’t bother trying to “save” them, either. Learn to let people be accountable for their own choices, and be accountable for your own. It’s a lot easier to successfully manage your life and affairs that way, and you’ll never be put in a position of feeling like a failure because of someone else’s failure to act.

Once you find and eliminate all these negative influences from your life, you’ll find it much easier to maintain that confident, “can’t touch this” attitude that women find so irresistible, not to mention finding your life a whole lot simpler and more enjoyable, and you’ll also find you have new-found room in your life for people you enjoy being around as well. Think you can’t do it? Talk to me.

And here’s a big bonus: when you couple that improved attitude with a solid working knowledge of how to evaluate relationships, how to effectively communicate with women, and what they automatically respond to with curiosity, excitement, and desire, a great relationship with a great woman is a foregone conclusion, even if you’re not currently with one!

What you need to know about all of that is waiting for you in a single source, my e-book, “THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage.” It’s an instant download at http://www.makingherhappy.com, fully tested and guaranteed to work -- and for less than the cost of a good meal for two at a nice restaurant! Can you afford to ignore such information? NO! Can you use such information? YES! So get clicking, Bub, because life’s too short to waste it feeling lousy about your life, job, and marriage! ;-)

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Why Nice Guys Finish Last in Relationships and Marriage, Part 4 of 4, Sacrifice

Now for the most destructive of all “Nice Guy” traits, self-sacrifice…

Brace yourself, because I’m about to either open your eyes or piss you off royally. But a little excitement won’t hurt you either way. And it will take a few paragraphs to get there, but you will see how this relates to relationships with women in stark relief, so don’t be put off by the first few paragraphs sounding like an ethics or philosophy lecture. Hang with me. ;-)

The subject of self-sacrifice is always controversial because most people are very confused about the meaning of the word “sacrifice;” they often refer to choices they have made in “trade” as “sacrifice” without realizing it, and then get angry when somebody says, using the word “sacrifice,” that they did something wrong. Let me give you an example or two to make sure we’re on the same page before we move on.

Let’s say you meet a guy on a street corner, and it’s obvious that he’s homeless, penniless, and a drug addict; he’s wearing short sleeves, has visible needle track marks, and is in obvious withdrawal. You give him money, which he uses not for food, clothing, or shelter, but to buy more drugs and bring himself closer to the grave.

Now take that same situation, except instead of it being obvious that the man is a drug addict, it’s obvious that he’s hit tough times and trying to claw his way back up out of the hole. His clothes may be somewhat tattered, but they’re clean. He asks if you’ve heard of any available work. And he looks you in the eye when he speaks. You give him money, which he uses for food and a payphone to try to find a job.

The former is sacrifice, the latter is trade. In the former scenario, you are trading a marker of value, money, which is in turn a marker for some portion of your life that it took to obtain that money, for absolutely nothing. Nobody benefits, and that value is destroyed. In the latter, you are trading that value for the satisfaction of helping someone get back on his feet. There is something in it for you and the other guy. That is trade.

Now, let’s bring the situation closer to home. Some family member has a substance abuse problem (I use the example only because it’s easy to see the impact, not because I have an axe to grind), and you keep pouring money into rehabilitation clinics and medical bills, and in return they act abusively toward you, do not turn away from their substance abuse, and instead steal from you to buy more drugs from some people they met at the rehab clinic as soon as they get out..

Or, same scenario, but the family member actively works to avoid the temptations to return to abuse, gets a job, builds self-esteem, and thanks you for helping them.

Again, the first scenario is sacrifice, the second is trade.

Now, let’s bring it to your relationship, and this time, instead of substance abuse, we’ll talk about love, or what many think is love, but will find out shortly is anything but. You pour all of your time and energy into catering to the wants, whims, needs, and desires of a woman who won’t give you the time of day. She has no respect for you, demonstrates no love for you, and no matter what you do, she complains that it isn’t enough. She is abusive, accusing, bitchy, and maybe even goes so far as to tell you that she’s going to see other men while you go to your job or watch the kids at home.

Yes, that’s sacrifice. And the more you heap upon her, the less she’ll respect you and appreciate it. (And by the way, women are about as likely to encounter this scenario with a man; there is no gender-bias here. I’m writing primarily to men so I use pronouns appropriate for writing to men, but ladies, this lesson applies equally to you.) There’s absolutely nothing positive in it for you.

But you love her, you say? Sorry, Buddy, but no, you don’t. To love is to value, and you cannot value someone who would treat you this way. True sacrifice has one cause: NEED. Even people who don’t know the difference between need and love will not feel compelled to make sacrifices unless they need the approval or acceptance of the other person. (For more on the relationship emotions of love, attraction, need, and lust, see my free “Break-Up Busting 101” report before you really screw yourself up.)

And we all know what comes when your relationship is based on need instead of love, right? Abuse, disappointment, frustration, and demise, because nobody wants to have a needy wuss suckling on their jugular vein.

As an aside, sacrifice is also seen in relationships where you don’t hear the griping, bitching and abuse, but instead there is always a carrot dangling in front of you. Have you heard any of these?

“I’m stressed over the house and what the neighbors think and I can’t sleep, so I have no libido and I’m tired all the time. If you’ll get that addition we talked about fixed, maybe my libido will come back.”

“I just don’t know what to do about a job. I look and look and look and nothing seems like a good fit. I’m getting so depressed. And I know you have needs but I just can’t think about sex when we’re so tight on money. If you could maybe get a raise or a part-time job it might help our sex life.”

“My biological clock is ticking, and every time you talk about sex I can’t think about anything but having (another) baby. Let’s get pregnant again and then maybe I can think about sex.”

And when the addition was built, or the extra income was secured, or the pregnancy achieved, now there was the stress of decorating the addition, feeling guilty and depressed because you’re working two jobs and they’re not able to find a job yet, or she’s too tired and her hormones are too crazy to even think about having sex. Everything is all civil and even sweet sounding, but you’re making all the effort and she’s making none. Got the picture? (And again, Ladies, you can fall prey to this scam too. If you’re doing all the work and he’s getting all the benefit, you have a parasite or predator on your hands, no matter how nice he might sound.)

You may have heard for all your life that good relationships are based on sacrifice, or compromise, and that’s utter crap. Can you imagine basing a relationship on the behavior described above, and enjoying it while you’re doing all the giving and getting nothing but frustration in return? A relationship based on sacrifice destroys life, plain and simple. A relationship based on compromise puts two people who need to be cooperative partners in the position of score-keeping competitors whose satisfaction comes at the expense of the person who should be their partner. Compromise is how people deal with the shortcoming of a lack of compatibility, not how they express love.

And make no mistake, if you are compromising, or asking another to, you and your values are in conflict with the other’s, and this diminishes, not strengthens, love. If you find yourself at odds, you must resolve it with trade, not compromise, to truly resolve the situation, maintain respect and love, and flourish as a couple in the long term.

Good relationships are based on compatibility, cooperation, genuine love and active attraction. Incompatibility creates points of contention and competition, which makes cooperation difficult to impossible. The absence of love means the absence of friendship, loyalty, trust, and respect, among other things, all of which are required for intimacy of any kind, the condition that determines the depth and staying power of the relationship, and the satisfaction of being in it. And the absence of attraction creates boredom, the primary catalyst in dissolving any good relationship that ever was formed.

This isn’t theory or opinion, and isn’t something you can debate or choose to believe or disbelieve. It’s that kind of self-evident, in-your-face reality that you either use to make your life better or ignore at your own peril. Give your love, life, and energy only to someone who gives theirs to you in return, and if you find that you have joined yourself with a parasite, predator, user, abuser, or loser, realize that there is nothing about them to love, that you are seeking their acceptance or approval, validation, or some other such nonsense, or else you are a codependent in need of psychological help. Also realize that someone else’s approval is meaningless. The only approval in the world that matters at all is your own.

That should be a lot easier, should it not? To approve your own life and self instead of depending one someone else, who isn’t qualified to judge and/or can’t be trusted to be honest and accurate, to approve it for you? You might be shocked at how many people I hear from every day who cannot do it. And the nemesis that thwarts them every single time?

Guilt!

Guilt because they had a good childhood. Guilt because they worked their ass off and got a better job than somebody else who didn’t. Guilt because somebody important to them chose to get behind the wheel of a car while drunk and killed himself in a car crash or chose a military career and didn’t make it out alive. Some of it is guilt over things they’ve done and should have worked their way through and forgiven themselves for years ago, but most of it is guilt for things that not only have they not done and weren’t responsible for, they had no control over at all!

If you’re having issues like these, get over them, as fast as possible and at any expense necessary. Guilt will suck the life out of you like nothing else can, not to mention make you somebody that nobody else wants to be around, especially the woman living in your house (unless she’s a parasite or predator). Feeling guilty will never in your life make anyone else’s life better, will not make up for a mistake anyone, including yourself, has made, and will never result in you feeling like you’ve paid sufficient penance to feel good again. Resolve it, or die with it and be miserable until then. There is no other choice.

And by the way, sacrificing your life to your wife isn’t the only way you can destroy yourself. It’s also quite possible that you have a most wonderful wife, and are sacrificing yourself to your job, or some family member or friend. The effect is quite predictable: your wife loses respect for you because you’re a pushover, resents that someone else is getting the benefit of your marriage instead of the two of you, and eventually gets tired of the excuses and wuss behavior when you don’t straighten up and take back your life and marriage. There is no scenario in which you can sacrifice your life or marriage to another and have it work out well for you.

So there it is. Why “nice guys” finish last in relationships isn’t because they’re nice. It’s because they’re either grossly ignorant of the relationship emotions, grossly ignorant of what women perceive as truly “nice,” or get hung up on being nice to someone or something else to the extent that it damages and eventually kills your marriage. I can help you to stop or avoid these problems and a whole lot more…

Start by going to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and downloading your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and getting the real scoop on everything that you, as a man, need to know about women, which will enable you to quickly learn even the finest points to be learned about the woman you love.

And while you’re at it, grab my free “Break-Up Busting 101” report and get a fast head start on managing and preventing crisis in case you’re unwittingly making any major mistakes now, or turning crisis around if you’ve already stepped in crap. My free “What Women Really Want” report will do you a world of good, too.

Together, we can get you on the road to happiness, but you have to take that first step alone; I can open the door, but you have to walk through.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Why Nice Guys Finish Last, Especially in Relationships, Part 3, the Pedestal

Continuing our study, let’s look at the guy who puts a woman on a pedestal, unwittingly setting both of them up for disappointment.

Most of us have made this mistake at one time or another, and all too many make it every time they get into a relationship, or even try to get into one, for that matter. They put women on a pedestal.

(This is something that men have a terrible tendency to do with both their partner and their mother, both of whom are human and don’t want to be “deified,” and after you finish this lesson, I’d strongly suggest you also review this January 6, 2010 article on the subject to gain a more thorough understanding of how failure to recognize any woman’s human qualities inhibits your ability to enjoy their company.)

As cliché as this problem is, it’s all too common. But so is being a wuss and thinking that a woman likes that. So pay close attention and think with me here.

What happens when you put a woman on a pedestal? You create expectations that neither of you can live up to, and set both of you up for failure and disappointment. No woman is any more perfect than any man, yet you foment the idea that she is “pure,” “perfect,” etc. Have you given any thought to what happens in the case that she might actually start believing it?

The first thing that will happen is your social dynamics will change. She will no longer be looking for your leadership; she’ll be ordering you around. After all, you’ve made her into a goddess. She’s always right, you’re always wrong. She’s justified in doing anything, and you nothing. And she will start testing to see where her limits are, too, just like a child, looking for firm ground to stand on, so to speak.

And what happens when this goddess’ demands become unreasonable, then annoying and frustrating, and then downright maddening as she becomes more aggressive with her demands and less accountable for her actions?

How much respect could she have for you at that point? Or you have for yourself?

Then comes the inevitable failure to live up to being on that pedestal. She gets bored because she’s a goddess without a god to entertain and lead her, and then there’s an affair, or she leaves. Your “goddess” has sent you to the self-styled Hell of rejection, betrayal, and loneliness.

Women don’t want to be worshipped, Gentlemen, at least not for long, and not often, if ever. Loved, yes. Respected, yes. Made to feel special from time to time, or even often, absolutely. Shown that your commitment to your relationship with them is real and deep, you bet. But rather than worshipped, they prefer, and most importantly, RESPOND TO, being led, and treated as a partner, not a goddess. They can live up to being a partner, but they can no more live up to being a goddess than a soccer ball can – or you, even if you had the correct “plumbing.”

So again, what we’ve been taught is “nice” isn’t nice at all, for either of you, unless she’s a predator or parasite, in which case it’s nice for her for awhile, until she gets bored with you and sucks you dry, and then moves on.

So think about this, in earnest: What do you want in a woman? (Aside from your genitalia, of course!) Do you want a spoiled, abusive brat who eventually falls from the pedestal you place her on and breaks your heart after sucking the life out of you? Or do you want a loving partner to share your love and life with?

A no-brainer, right?

Then never again shall you put any woman on a pedestal. Here endeth the lesson…

Well, no, not quite. There’s a lot more to having a great relationship and marriage than keeping a woman at your side and off a pedestal. Do you have a solid foundation of compatibility? Do you have love? Do you naturally create attraction? Can you communicate on her level and grow closer together? Can you make your differences complimentary instead of competitive, so that they are life-enhancing instead of an on-going source of conflict and problems?

All of those questions need answers, real answers, not assumptions, and certainly not opinions or theories. After all, your life together depends on them, as does your life as an individual to a great extent for as long as you’re in a relationship or marriage. Or had you thought of that?

There may be a lot you’ve not thought of, and a lot that you have thought of, heard and been told that is complete and utter crap. After all, if everybody had the answers, guys like me who enjoy our life and a great marriage wouldn’t be making a living providing them to you.

And not so obvious, yet more to the point, is that if the other people providing you answers had the answers to fix your problem, I would have never gotten into this project and this business, because I would have been able to use all the answers that I bought when I had problems instead of having to gather a research group together and find them on my own.

But I did, and fortunately for you, turned it into a book, one that you can have in the next minute or two if you go to >http://www.makingherhappy.com and download it. And one thing that is in that book that you’ll never see in these newsletters is probably the most important thing of all: the EASY WAY to make all this happen. So do yourself a huge favor. Click that link and get started on the path to being the man that every woman wants and that you’ll enjoy being.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham

Nice Guys Finish Last, Especially in Relationships and Marriage, Part 2 of 4

In Part 2 of our study of “Nice Guy” mistakes, neediness, which comes in a lot of flavors that you may not even realize are a problem.

I was afraid this topic was going to be met with resentment and denial, and I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how many confessions and turnarounds I’ve read today, so we’re definitely going to stick with it.

It’s pretty easy to spot the needy wuss who constantly sucks up to women trying to gain their favor, that is unless you’re one of those poor lost souls who think that love and need are the same thing, in which case you need to download my free “Break-Up Busting 101” report and study the section on “Love, Need, Attraction, and Lust” before continuing or this isn’t going to make a bit of sense to you. But what about “covert” or hidden neediness?

Oops! Didn’t think about that one, did you? Neediness doesn’t have to be that begging, groveling, in-your-face-whining nonsense to get on somebody’s nerves. Have you ever expected a woman to know your needs and respond to them without you having to say anything, and then been hurt and pissed off when she didn’t?

Since we’re guys, I’ll use the most obvious guy example, lying in the bed at night wanting sex and not initiating it because “she should just know that you’re a man and need it.” If you’ve done this, and then got angry or hurt when she went to sleep because you didn’t act interested enough in her to give her a reason to participate, let alone come on to you, you’re guilty of something I’ve heard called “passive neediness.” And you need help.

The same thing goes for finances, planning for the future, time off for a sporting event, or anything else. If you don’t make your goals, ambitions, needs and desires known, preferably by somehow stating or demonstrating that you want something instead of asking permission for it, you have no right to expect anybody to know or respond to what exists only in your head.

Women are quite good at picking up on signals, body language, etc., but they’re far from psychic, at least most of them are! LOL! Seriously, they’re no more capable of reading our minds than we are of reading theirs. And besides, your job is to take the lead in anything that she doesn’t actively and aggressively take the lead in herself (which most of you will see infrequently, if ever, once you start leading because women are much more social than we are and generally invite participation and cooperation rather than jumping straight into a commanding role if there is a known leader around, but you’ll know it if and when you see it).

The good news is that women are generally more than just comfortable following a leader, they enjoy watching the spectacle of a man being manly. They’re wired to respond to it if they are heterosexual. They enjoy seeing a man act like he has a pair of gonads and going after what he wants (as long as it doesn’t grossly oppose what they want, of course). And as a sort of corollary to yesterday’s rule, “if you can’t stand up TO a woman when appropriate, you can’t stand up WITH her or FOR her,” if you can’t go after what you want, you can’t support her in getting what she wants, either.

And no, what I’m saying isn’t “politically correct,” but it’s reality, and we have to face it and live with it, no matter how badly you may want it to be different; human biology isn’t going to bend to your will any more than it is mine or anybody else’s. One of the women in my family is a staunch feminist, even somewhat of an activist, and even she confesses that when she’s around a strong male personality it excites her, often to the point of “lubrication” and fantasizing.

So the bottom line is that if you don’t expect women to be psychic you won’t have to be disappointed and go through that most annoying passive-aggressive bit that “passively needy” men go through when they try to avoid mentioning their needs to keep from appearing “selfish” and get hurt when nobody reads their mind and responds. Communicate, in a way that is proper to a man, and get either what you want or a good reason why you can’t get it.

And before you think, “Well, that means I have to just ask for sex,” NO, it most certainly doesn’t. That may be communicating, but it’s merely communicating neediness. Nor do you just tell a woman, “It’s time for sex because I need it.” That’s about as absurd as asking for it. You play, tease, withdraw, re-engage, and keep her on the edge of pouncing on you so that when the two of you are finally alone in the evening and you slip an arm around her waist and pull her up close for a kiss, the flood gate opens and she’s all over you.

What you communicate is that you are a man, that you know your place in the grand order of things, as well as hers, and that you know that asking for sex isn’t going to make it happen any more than dropping your pants and blurting, “Ya wanna?” the instant she acts like she might be the least bit interested, as if that constitutes foreplay. You communicate with your actions, not words, that you know what her needs are and that you are going to satisfy her as she satisfies you.

Oops! That takes confidence, huh? And communication skills, too, right? And in a lot of cases it’s also going to take knowing a few things about women’s needs, too, because they can sometimes be at odds with our own, requiring a little finesse to gain their cooperation. Well, so much for that idea… ;-)

I couldn’t even type that with a straight face! I’m glad I didn’t have to say it aloud or I’d have choked on the laughter. Of course you can gain all those things, in abundance, and take the much easier route to getting what you want, the route proper to a man instead of to an addled schoolboy. The reason you’re not doing it now is NOT because you can’t, it’s because you DON’T KNOW ANY BETTER!

But ignorance – not knowing – is an easily treatable condition. It just takes knowledge. It’s apathy – not caring – and stupidity – the failure to think rationally – that kills most men’s ability to live a good life. And if you were stupid or didn’t care, you wouldn’t be here, right?

So here’s what you do: Go to http://www.makingherhappy.com/ and download your copy of "THE Man’s Guide to Great Relationships and Marriage," and learn what you need to know to be nice while still being a man that a woman can love, respect, and be excited to be around. Sweeping a woman off her feet doesn’t require being abusive or a “bad boy” any more than it requires kissing her behind and groveling before her. It just requires that you know what is truly proper to live as a man and a little more about women than you do now.

In the meantime, live well, be well, and have a wonderful day!
David Cunningham